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We’ll sniff out these leaks and take action, mark my word. Or my territory

Brand new White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci went on the TV Sunday and capped off “Made In America” week by saying he had an anonymous source telling him that maybe Russia hadn’t really hacked the 2016 presidential election, then moments later revealed that his source was the most American American in America, Donald J. Trump himself. So there you go: Don’t trust anonymous sources, because they could be deranged pathological liars. Guess we won’t have to worry that the departure of Sean Spicer will result in a surrealism deficit in the Trump administration.

Scaramucci pulled his little stunt on CNN’s “State of the Union” Sunday after host Jake Tapper asked him whether the “president” intends to sign a new compromise bill imposing new sanctions on Russia for interfering in last year’s election. Now why would Scaramucci want to go and answer a specific question like that? Besides, he said, he happens to have an anonymous source high in the government who told him you can’t really trust the intelligence community’s consistent assessment that Russia was behind the election hacks and disinformation campaigns. And Scaramucci protected that source’s anonymity for at least 33 seconds:

Scaramucci: There’s a lot of disinformation out there […] Somebody said to me yesterday — I won’t tell you who — that if the Russians actually hacked this situation and spilled out those emails, you would have never seen it, you would have never had any evidence of them, meaning that they’re super-confident in their deception skills and hacking. My point is, all of the information isn’t on the table yet. But here’s what I know about the president —

Tapper: Well, wait, wait, wait — Anthony — Anthony —

Scaramucci: Let me finish, let me finish —

Tapper: Well, you’re making a lot of assertions here. I don’t know who this anonymous person is that said, if the Russians had actually done it, we wouldn’t have been able to detect it, but it is the unanimous —

Scaramucci: How about it was — how about it was the President, Jake? I talked to him yesterday. He called me from Air Force One. And he basically said to me, “Hey, you know, this is — maybe they did it. Maybe they didn’t do it.”

HOW ABOUT IT WAS THE PRESIDENT JAKE! CASE CLOSED! So who are you going to believe, Jake Tapper? Your “unanimous” opinion from the U.S. intelligence agencies, or the semi-anonymous word of the president of the United States, who is actually the boss of them? Scaramucci listened impatiently to Tapper blah-blah-blahing about all these supposed intelligence experts who agreed that Russia alone was responsible for meddling in the election, but he wasn’t about to let Tapper call him a yes-man for heaven’s sake,

Tapper: President Trump is contradicting it, and you’re siding with President Trump?

Scaramucci: Well, I didn’t say that I was siding with President Trump; he hasn’t made the decision yet to sign that bill one way or the other, so when he makes that decision, I will 100 percent side with him, because I’m his communications director and I’m his advocate on a show like this.

Don’t you go calling Anthony Scaramucci a mindless lickspittle who automatically takes the president’s side about the Russian hacking — if it was Russia, which it might not have been, says the president, and Scaramucci agrees. But until Donald Trump decides what to do with the sanctions bill, Scaramucci won’t know whether he’ll be a suck-up toady in favor of signing it or against signing it, so don’t you go saying he’s siding with the president, which of course he will, because that’s his job. But would you please stop jumping to conclusions like that, even when they’re correct?

Immediately after the interview with Scaramucci, a still-incredulous Tapper talked to Senator Al Franken about the “anonymous source” thing. Franken shared Tapper’s palpable disbelief. Feel the palpable disbelief:

Franken: I thought — see, when he brought it up, I thought it was a disinterested intelligence expert. You asked a good question! […]

That’s — What can you say? It’s just bizarre. I mean, it’s clear that — and we’re seeing now that members of his campaign met with Russians even though they would testify before, oh, say, the Judiciary Committee, answering a question from oh, say, me. [laughs]

Tapper: You’re talking about Jeff Sessions?

Franken: Yeah, saying that he had not met with Russians during the campaign; now it turns out, it sounds like that Kislyak said they met in April which is a meeting that we — that he hasn’t said that he had, and in which they talked about subjects regarding the campaign and about Russia, and about sanctions.

Would Franken like to see Sessions come back to the Judiciary Committee and testify again about those meetings? Oh you bet your sweet vegan butt he would! We hoped maybe Franken would have more to say about what a sycophantic douche Scaramucci was, but he and Tapper went on to other things, so the heck with it.

Also, we would like to bring to your attention this additional evidence, from 2012, that Anthony Scaramucci is either A Idiot or a troll. We’ve included a few choice replies, too:

Say what you will about Anthony Scaramucci, at least he’s… Actually, just say what you will about Anthony Scaramucci.

Yr Wonkette is supported by a secretive cabal of anonymous donors. THAT’S YOU! Please click the “Donate” clicky to give us money.

[ThinkProgress / RawStory / Business Insider]

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  • WotsAllThisThen

    I’m glad you brought that up, Jake, because I have an anonymous source – and I won’t say who – that tells me I’m not wearing pants.

  • anwisok

    I’ve never been part of a secretive cabal before. Proud to finally be able to add that to my resume!

    • Only to selective parrts of your resume. Otherwise, it won’t be very secret for long

    • Ill-Advised

      Now all I need is a situation, an obstacle, and an action, to complete this result.

      Lessee. “The site has provocative op-ed-news, a liberal bias, and encourages non-commenting, which I do almost daily, and as a result, I am now part of A [Secretive] Cabal, although not part of the Sekrit Chat Cave. Also you didn’t just read this.”

      If it won’t work for my resume, maybe it works for the bucket list.

  • Komsumverweigerer Ron

    Because it took me the better part of an hour to make this, and it fits the story, dammit! https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/e402dfa3e7eb87dc3ca28ca3248185b72a9e1f84e43f18e15aadcaca81d86265.png

  • Zonath

    Poor Scaramucci has so much to learn still. For instance, you simply don’t blow your anonymous sources like that.

    …At least, not without expecting a little bit of ass play. Hey-O!

    • Rags

      Oh, how should he blow his anonymous sources? Pics, please.

      • Oblios_Cap

        I thought that he was blowing Trump!

  • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

    “Hey, you know, this is — maybe they did it. Maybe they didn’t do it.”

    Our so-called president: The definition of feckless.

  • Nockular cavity

    I’m pretty sure scaramucci is Italian for “Eddie Haskell.”

    • Komsumverweigerer Ron

      ‘You’re looking especially nice today, Mrs President.’

      • Msgr_MΩment

        “Did you come over today to play with the Beaver?”

        • Edith Prickly
          • Querolous

            B-b-b aah, aah!

            Pa pa pa pa, pa pa pa pa, pa pa pa pa, pa pa pa pa
            Pa pa pa pa, pa pa pa pa, pa pa pa pa
            Papa, ooma mow mow
            Papa, ooma mow mow

            Papa ooma mow mow, papa ooma mow mow
            Papa ooma mow mow, papa ooma mow mow
            Ooma mow mow, papa ooma mow mow
            Papa ooma mow mow, papa ooma mow mow

            Papa ooma mow mow, papa ooma mow mow
            Oom oom oom oom, ooma mow mow
            Papa ooma mow mow, papa oom oom oom
            Oom ooma mow mow, papa ooma mow mow

            Ooma mow mow, papa ooma mow mow
            Papa a mow mow, papa ooma mow mow
            Papa ooma mow mow, ooma mow mow
            Papa ooma mow mow, ooma mow mow

            Papa oom oom oom oom, ooma mow mow
            Oom oom oom oom, ooma mow mow
            Ooma mow mow, papa ooma mow mow
            Papa ooma mow mow, ooma mow mow John James Audubon

          • Ill-Advised

            Por supuesto.

    • TJ Barke
    • Oblios_Cap

      “Smarmamucci”

  • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

    Well, I didn’t say that I was siding with President Trump; he hasn’t made the decision yet to sign that bill one way or the other, so when he makes that decision, I will 100 percent side with him

    Jell-O has more backbone than this.

  • Nounverb911

    “Scaramucci Stepping On Donald Trump’s Dick”
    Did he use a microscope to find it?

    • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

      Little Babby Donnie uses a mirror.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      The fandango IS a difficult dance to master.

  • OrG

    Can Melissa McCarthy play moochie?

    • TJ Barke

      How much slime is she willing to be dunked in?

      • theblackdog

        That was more Kristen Wiig’s thing

    • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

      They’ll give it to Kate McKinnon because Lorne Green’s master plan is to have her do everything.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    It’s dirtbags all the way down.

  • Crystalclear12

    So this the straw that broke Spicer’s back.
    I get it.

  • Martini Ambassador 🍸

    While I’m sad about Melissa McCarthy’s Spicy gig drying up like that, this presents a great opportunity for Sarah Silverman.

    Make it happen, SNL!

    • Darkest Timeline Zach Morris

      I’m waiting for the glorious return of Joe Pesci as THE MOOCH.

  • Oblios_Cap

    I’ve read a lot of Twain, but I’ve never seen that quote in any of his work. I know it gets mis-attributed to him, though, so I can’t make too much fun of Moochie for that.

    So Mooch steps on Donnie’s dick? He must have a real hard time finding it. Just like Donald.

    • Jennaratrix

      So Mooch steps on Donnie’s dick? He must have a real hard time finding it. Just like DonaldMelania.

      FTFY.

  • (((fka_donnie_d)))

    “Manafort in” should become a new byword for parvenu

    “We were having a private conversations but then Bob manaforted in like a common Kellyanne”

  • SayItWithWookies

    Scaramucci has a very small window to figure out how to keep his urge to name-drop not get in the way of his desire to pretend he’s got inside information. We know you were talking to the president, Mooch – it’s sorta your job now.

  • JustPixelz (((Ω)))
    • Oblios_Cap

      Man, he was one hell of a vampire hunter.

      • Komsumverweigerer Ron

        Not was, IS.

        • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

          I’m hearing good things about him.

          • Kiri the Unicorn

            Many people don’t know he’s a Republican.

  • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

    I gotta say, that William Carlos Williams rickroll is genius.

    • WomanInThePersistence

      Personally, I liked the Ke$ha “quote” very much.

  • WomanInThePersistence

    Oh, baby, baby its a wild world. Hard to get by just upon a smile.

    -Ludwig Wittgenstein

    • Carpe Vagenda

      Gliddy glup gloopy nibby nabby noopy
      la la la lo lo
      Sabba sibby sabba nooby abba nabba
      le le lo lo
      Tooby ooby walla nooby abba nabba
      Early morning singing song

      —Solomon

      • Querolous

        Ooo eee,ooo ah ah ting tang
        Walla walla, bing bang
        Ooo eee ooo ah ah ting tang
        Walla walla bing bang…
        Ooo eee ,ooo ah ah ting tang
        Walla walla ,bing bang
        Ooo eee ooo ah ah ting tang
        Walla walla bing bangFrançois Duvalier

    • frrolfe

      thank you. Priceless.

  • armed_bears
  • TJ Barke

    It’s been a hard day’s night, and I’ve been workin’ like a dog -Hemingway

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      I thought he was more of a cat person…

  • Spurning Beer

    Wild thing,
    You make my heart sing.
    You make everything groovy.
    -Bashō

  • Aside from the Boneitis guy, Mooch also reminds me of Theon Greyjoy the Dickless

  • Crystalclear12

    There’s a Rubio spine joke here! I just have to find it!

    • Komsumverweigerer Ron

      ISWYDT

  • Mr. Blobfish

    At least trump didn’t have to yell at him to go buy some suits.

  • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

    Some people claim that there’s a woman to blame, but I know it’s my own damn fault.
    – Gary Hart

    • mancityRed6

      sorrow for what could have been.

      • Wild Cat

        Hubristic stupidity by that generation of Dems for reasons too long to yammer about here.

  • Lyly Sirivong

    He follows more than 168 000 accounts. How does someone follow more than 168 000 accounts ?
    I follow like 40 accounts and I already feel overwhelmed.

    • Ghenghis McCann

      He got it wrong. He meant to hire 168000 bots to follow him.

  • Crystalclear12

    Are we sure it was his dick and not a Cheeto?

  • Scooby

    Central casting…I need a toy gangster.

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      Or a prosperity-gospel TV evangelist.

    • Ill-Advised

      From an ambitious but talentless family.

  • Baconzgood

    I heard from an anonymous source close to the case that OJ didn’t kill his wife and her lover.

    Who was the sourse? It was OJ.

    • theblackdog

      Welp! That’s good enough for me! Now we can let him go find the actual killer on the golf course. Maybe Donald Trump can assist him

    • Little Lulu Ω

      I had a dream last night that I’d traveled back in time. I was standing outside OJs Rockingham home when he slipped out with AC or whoever – Cowlings – for their Bronco ride and nobody noticed but me. Priscilla Presley and I drove to the graveyard where we ran into Oj and AC, who escaped us. We followed and ended up at a church, where I had lunch with a woman who’d been cooking this monstrous dish (mushrooms and onions mostly) in a crockpot for fifty years and let me sample a bunch before some of us left to head to the interstate to watch the Bronco being chased by the police. The guy I was with took me into this secret alley and through a secret door where superheroes and a group of furries were living together. A short Superman flew me to the interstate, where we could hear the police sirens but couldn’t see Shit. The End. I’m taking this CBD tincture for sleeping help, and my dreams have turned into movies. Not always interesting, but very, very weird and very long dreams.

  • MynameisBlarney
    • Ghenghis McCann

      “When you’re in a hole, stop digging.” Jared Kushner.

      • Ill-Advised

        The problem here is that Kushner gets the questions a day before his lawyers tell him the answers. Inconvenient, that.

  • Jeffocaster in the West

    “I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears and sweat” Al Kooper.

  • lucidamente

    “If I told you that you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?” —Bertrand Russell

    • Phoenixdoglover

      Hungarian-English Phrasebook libelz!

    • armed_bears

      Bellamy Brothers libulz.

  • Bigby

    Hey, I’m as glad as anyone they finally made a creepy(er) clone of Leland Palmer and all, but they forgot to add even what little soul the original had. And the cheap stunt of swapping soulless dark eyes for original baby blues? Meh.

    4/10. Do not want.

    • lucidamente

      Trump’s next tweet will blame everything on Bob.

  • Mpeg

    All these song/ lyric excerpts yet I still can’t get that Queen song out of my head when we’re talkin bout this guy~

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Trump has a crack intelligence team of his own. They sit on the couch at Fox and Friends.

    • willi0000000

      my crack has more intelligence.

  • Anna Rompage

    “Why is congress questioning Kushner, and not Chelsea Clinton for Benghazi” Jason Chaffetz

    • Bub, the cynical zombie

      Ik’ r? Remember that time Hillary sent Chelsea to the Middle East to broker a peace deal?

    • Jennaratrix

      And also too when Chelsea shilled her clothing line from the Oval Office? C’mon, people, both sides do it!

  • Kiri the Unicorn

    Where all were minds in uni-thought

    Power weird by mystics taught

    No pain, no joy, no power too great

    Colossal strength to grasp a fate

    Where sad-eyed mermen tossed in slumbers

    Nightmare dreams no mortal mind could hold

    A man would tear his brother’s flesh, a chance to die

    To turn to mold.

    -Nietzsche

  • CountryClubJihadi

    Skidmarkamucci will be back to hosting “Dance Fever” in no time.

  • Zonath

    “Sheep go to Heaven. Goats go to Hell.” – Marie Antoinette

  • therblig

    “Get up, (get on up)
    Get up, (get on up)
    Stay on the scene, (get on up), like a sex machine, (get on up)” – Mother Teresa

    • mancityRed6

      that was her early days, you can’t count that.

    • Anna Rompage

      Gotta get up, to get down….

  • IdiokraticDrumpfenResistance
  • Joe Beese

    In fairness, “mindless lickspittle” is the job description.

  • exinkwretch

    Dude is Scott Baio without the (unimpressive) list of acting credits.

  • doktorzoom

    Sorry I didn’t include this one: “My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard” — Jane Austen

  • TJ Barke

    I’m just a love machine, and I won’t work for nobody but you -Henry VIII

  • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

    “Shake your groove thang”
    – Mahatma Gandhi

  • “I want to fuck you like an animal” – Gandhi

  • Anna Rompage

    “I don’t know karate, but I know ca-RAZY…” MLKjr

  • Joe Beese
    • Ghenghis McCann

      Accountability; isn’t that what you hire accountants for?” D J Trump.

  • Bill D. Burger
  • theblackdog

    The good girls go to heaven, but the bad girls go everywhere – Mozart.

  • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

    My anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hon!
    – John F. Kennedy

  • lucidamente
  • Jeffocaster in the West

    “Mars ain’t the knda place to raise your kids.” NASA spokeman

  • Bub, the cynical zombie

    Oh, for fuck’s sake…

    http://www.rawstory.com/2017/07/jason-chaffetz-why-is-congress-questioning-jared-kushner-and-not-chelsea-clinton-for-benghazi/?comments=disqus

    Ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to our running of the American Asshole “Most Punchable Face” Stakes! The competitors are lined up in their starting boxes. The excitement is palpable! Which of these assholes has the most punchable face? They are under starter’s orders…and they’re off! Shkreli jumps out to an early lead, followed closely by Roosh V, Todd Starnes and Ted Cruz. Cernovich, Richard Spencer and Louie Gohmert are back in the pack, with late entrant “Mooch” Scaramucci and Jason Chaffetz bringing up the rear! As they head into the first turn, Shkreli is holding on, with Cruz right behind. But what’s this? Chaffetz is making a move on the outside! As they head down the back stretch, Chaffetz is coming hard! He was just on “Fox & Friends” and is ROCKETING through the field! Rounding the final turn, It’s Shkreli in the lead, with Chaffetz coming hard! Chaffetz is ahead by a nose! Shkreli edges ahead! Chaffetz! Shkreli! Shkreli! Chaffetz! WHO WILL WIN!?? We may never know!

    But we do know who loses…the American people.

    • TJ Barke

      False equivalence is their specialty.

      • Bub, the cynical zombie

        I know, but holy crap – that’s really taking it to the next level.

    • WomanInThePersistence

      Backpfeifengesicht is the best German word!

    • TJ Barke
    • shivaskeeper

      Why not indeed? It’s got all the right elements. GOPer bullshit, A Jones CT’s, Clintons galore, and fraud, waste, and abuse at the Congressional level,

      It’s a perfect storm of derp.

      Also, too Spencer has the most punchable face because Nazi.

      • Bub, the cynical zombie

        In order to make that determination, I’d have to punch all of them.

        With votes, of course.

        • shivaskeeper

          Don’t need votes for Spencer, because Nazi.

      • I think he wins simply because people keep actually punching him. So hey, for once in his pathetic little life, he’s actually a winner!

    • I mean, usually they’re a bit more subtle with their IT’S ALWAYS PROJECTION, but… this is just right on the motherfucking nose, ain’tit?

  • Bill D. Burger
  • Zonath

    “I am just a worthless liar
    I am just an imbecile.
    I will only complicate you
    Trust in me and fall as well
    I will find a center in you
    I will chew it up and leave
    I will work to elevate you
    Just enough to bring you down.”

    -Anthony Scaramucci

  • FlemmishSpy

    “I’m all ’bout that bass, ’bout that bass, no treble”
    – Ron Popeil

  • Anna Rompage

    “Girl, I got you so wet, it’slike a rainforest. Like Jurassic Park except I’m your sex-a-saurus baby.” Bill Clinton

  • Bill D. Burger

    http://www.kappit.com/img/pics/21060480ifbga_sm.jpg

    (*I believe this one actually insults at least 4 groups of geeks.)

    • MrTusks

      Five, since Sir Patrick counts for two!

      • Christopher Story

        Good eye!

  • Komsumverweigerer Ron

    Who put the bomp In the bomp bah bomp bah bomp?
    Who put the ram In the rama lama ding dong?
    Who put the bop In the bop shoo bop shoo bop?
    Who put the dip In the dip da dip da dip?
    – René Descartes

    • Jeffocaster in the West

      I think not. POOF!

    • MrTusks

      I twist, therefore I shout.

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      A-ow, shoobee-doowa
      A-ow, shoobee-doowa

      -Hildegard of Bingen

    • Little Lulu Ω

      Who was that man? I’d like to shake his hand. Oh, it was Descartes – never mind.

  • JMP

    Mark Twain is probably one of the biggest false sources of fake quotes on the internet, and even before it, right after Albert Einstein and Thomas Jefferson.
    -Martin Luther King, Jr.

  • Vincent Ricola

    Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose – Paul Ryan

    Oh wait. I’m not doing this right, am I?

    • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

      Yes.
      -Thomas Jefferson.

  • Oblios_Cap

    “Now you’re messing with a son of a bitch”
    Robert Mueller

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    I’ve got you under my skin

    Itchy and Scratchy

  • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

    the hungry and the hunted
    explode into rock n roll bands
    that face off against each other out in the street
    down in jungleland

    – e.e. cummings

  • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

    She had a corpse under her bed
    She had her fun but now he’s dead
    Her momma said ‘hey feed desire’
    Her brother said ‘hey, put him on the fire’.

    -Richard Adams

  • Jeffocaster in the West

    “Won’t you be my neighbor.” Vlad Putin

    • Bub, the cynical zombie

      Not until you put a sweater on, sicko…

      • Ricky Gay

        Here, have some “tea” Mr. Mcfeely!

  • Bill D. Burger
  • Bub, the cynical zombie

    “Billy, don’t be a hero, don’t be a fool with your life
    Billy, don’t be a hero, come back and make me your wife
    And as he started to go she said, Billy, keep your head low
    Billy, don’t be a hero, come back to me

    I heard his fiancee got a letter
    That told how Billy died that day
    The letter said that he was a hero
    She should be proud he died that way
    I heard she threw that letter away …”

    Bob Dylan

  • MynameisBlarney
  • Anna Rompage

    “The other thing with the terrorists is you have to take out their
    families, when you get these terrorists, you have to take out their
    families” Buddha

  • Msgr_MΩment

    “…I was a Flower of the mountain yes when I put the rose in my hair like the Andalusian girls used or shall I wear a red yes and how he kissed me under the Moorish wall and I thought well as well him as another and then I asked him with my eyes to ask again yes and then he asked me would I yes to say yes my mountain flower and first I put my arms around him yes and drew him down to me so he could feel my breasts all perfume yes and his heart was going like mad and yes I said yes I will Yes.”

    — Mike Pence

    • laughingnome

      You beat me to it!!

    • PubOption

      Does Pence have enough consciousness to stream?

  • Jeffocaster in the West

    “A boy is born in hard times Mississippi, surrounded by 4 walls that ain’t so pretty” Jeff Sessions

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Franken never used to do the shows. Does he now have bigger aspirations?

    • doktorzoom

      He has a book out. And has given himself permission to be more publicly funny.

    • Vincent Ricola

      I sure hope so.

      • Carpe Vagenda

        God, me too. I’m looking for some combination of Franken/Harris to be a big noise three years from now.

        • Penny Dreadful Says Cats

          It really is a shame Jill S. is so loathsome…

  • laughingnome

    I was a Flower of the mountain yes when I put the rose in my hair like the Andalusian girls used or shall I wear a red yes and how he kissed me under the Moorish wall and I thought well as well him as another and then I asked him with my eyes to ask again yes and then he asked me would I yes to say yes my mountain flower and first I put my arms around him yes and drew him down to me so he could feel my breasts all perfume yes and his heart was going like mad and yes I said yes I will Yes.

    – Lindsey Graham

  • Ricky Gay

    This was the high point of his career, so far:
    .https://youtu.be/My5d7i5SMAE

  • MynameisBlarney
  • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

    Drowning deep in my sea of loathing
    Broken your servant I kneel
    (Will you give in to me?)
    It seems what’s left of my human side
    Is slowly changing in me
    (Will you give in to me?)

    -Emily Post

  • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

    “She was a fast machine,
    She kept her motor clean
    We didn’t start the fire
    It was always burning
    since the world was turning”

    -Guy Fawkes

  • Jeffocaster in the West

    “Imagine all the people, living life in Peace” Trump

  • Msgr_MΩment

    “God grant me the serenity
    to accept the things I cannot change;
    courage to change the things I can;
    and wisdom to know the difference.” — Chairman Mao

  • Anna Rompage

    “Blinded by the light, Revved up like a douche, and running through the night” Donad Jr

    • Jeffocaster in the West

      Blinded by the Spite?

    • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

      Go-cart Mozart
      Checking out the weather chart
      To see if it was safe outside
      And little early birdie
      Came by in his curly whirly
      And asked him if he needed a ride

      -Ghandi

    • Revved up like the Mooch!

    • PubOption

      Some silicone sister and her father Mister, who told her she’d got what it takes…

  • SayItWithWookies

    On a morning from a Bogart movie
    In a country where they turned back time
    You go strolling through the crowd like Peter Lorre
    Contemplating a crime.
    – Martin Buber

  • SnarkON

    If this guy remains in his position for long, I will need to be committed simply from singing that stupid Queen song to myself every time I see his name.

    • Zyxomma

      Never a Queen fan, but that’s one of the few songs on earth for which I have a visceral hate. I feel the same way about most modern music, but that’s actually from my era.

  • Jeffocaster in the West

    “This misquote thing is more addictive than crack” Jeffo

  • SheltonTodd

    “Groove is in the heart.”
    – Aristotle

    • Bill D. Burger

      Socrates said it first, but he just didn’t write it down.

      • SheltonTodd

        Ha!

  • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

    “I’ve got two chickens to paralyze.”
    – Gen. George Patton 1972

  • Jeffocaster in the West

    “Zen and the Art of Twitter Analysis” Dok Zoom

  • SnarkON

    “I like big butts, and I cannot lie.”
    —Shakespeare

  • therblig

    “I wanna sex you up
    Makin’ love until we drown
    I wanna sex you up”
    – Margaret Thatcher

    • theblackdog

      *shudders* Creepiest speech ever from the Iron Lady.

      • Ghenghis McCann

        I’m lucky, because I can get my brain bleach provided by the National Health Service.

  • laughingnome

    Hope is the thing with feathers –
    Frank Perdue

    • starfanglednut

      Hahahaha

    • SnarkON

      Cluck cluck cluck

    • Roadstergal

      Keep on fuckin’ that hope.

  • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

    Her Majesty’s a pretty nice girl
    But she doesn’t have a lot to say
    Her Majesty’s a pretty nice girl
    But she changes from day to day
    I wanna tell her that I love her a lot
    But I gotta have a belly full of wine
    Her majesty’s a pretty nice girl
    Some day, I’m gonna make her mine.

    -Karl Marx

  • Jeffocaster in the West

    “How to Win Friends and Influence People” Donald Trump

  • Jennaratrix

    Watching every motion
    In my foolish lover’s game
    On this endless ocean
    Finally lovers know no shame
    Turning and returning
    To some secret place inside
    Watching in slow motion
    As you turn around and say
    Take my breath away

    — Marilyn Monroe

    • Roadstergal

      I thought that was David Carradine?

      • Jennaratrix

        No, David Carradine was:

        Set me free why don’t ya babe
        Get out my life why don’t ya babe (ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh)
        ‘Cause you don’t really love me
        You just keep me hangin’ on
        No, you don’t really need me
        You just keep me hangin’ on

  • MynameisBlarney

    “My anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun!”

    ~Shakespeare

  • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

    Go ahead and hate your neighbor,
    Go ahead and cheat a friend.
    Do it in the name of Heaven,
    You can justify it in the end.
    – Republican Jesus

    • anwisok

      FAIL! Not a fake quote.

  • Anna Rompage

    “Liquor in the front, poker in the rear” Phyllis Schlaffley

  • Vincent Ricola

    They say they’re gonna fix my brain
    Alleviate my suffering and my pain
    But by the time they fix my head
    Mentally, I’ll be dead

    – Tony Robbins

  • SheltonTodd

    “I’ve got two turntables and a microphone.”
    – Jean Paul Sarte

  • Nockular cavity

    “Whether you’re a brother or whether you’re a mother
    You’re stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive
    Feel the city breakin’ and everybody shakin’
    And we’re stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive”

    -Rasputin

  • WotsAllThisThen

    Shirley the President wouldn’t lie to you, Serious.

    • Ghenghis McCann

      Shirley 2020!

    • theblackdog

      I miss Leslie Nielsen

  • Skwerl the Taco Hunter
  • Michael R

    ” Because you know I’m all about that bass,
    ‘Bout that bass, no treble ” – Rumi

  • laughingnome

    Once upon a time you dressed so fine threw the bums a dime in your prime now didn’t you?

    Amelia Earhardt

  • Bill D. Burger
    • bupkus231

      That was the Einstein quote that Ivanka was first going to post, but she changed her mind at the last second….

  • Bub, the cynical zombie

    I’ve had people say, ‘Hey, you know, there’s nothing wrong with gays in the military. Look at the Greeks. Well, you know, they did have people come along who they loved that was the same sex and would give them massages before they went into battle. But you know what, it’s a different kind of fighting, it’s a different kind of war and if you’re sitting around getting massages all day ready to go into a big, planned battle, then you’re not going to last very long. It’s guerrilla fighting. You are going to be ultimately vulnerable to terrorism and if that’s what you start doing in the military like the Greeks did … as people have said, ‘Winston, you have got to understand, you don’t even know your history.’ Oh yes I do. I know exactly. It’s not a good idea.

    –Sir Winston Churchill

  • Tokays_don’t_blink

    We will, we will rock you!

    -Boudicca

    • Jeffocaster in the West

      Nope. Kim Jong-un

    • Rags

      You don’t seem to understand that I-I-I’m ready for ya.
      I-I-I’m ready for ya.
      I-I-I’m ready for ya.
      So keep thinkin’ you the man,
      ‘Cause it’s all part of my plan.
      I-I-I’m ready for ya.

      – Ethelred the Unready

  • Msgr_MΩment

    “Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way”

    — Tiffany

  • Zonath

    “If you having girl problems I feel bad for you son / I got ninety nine problems but a bitch ain’t one”

    -Actaeon

  • SnarkON

    “Never gonna give you up
    Never gonna let you down
    Never gonna run around
    And desert you.”

    —JFK

  • UnsaltedSinner
    • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

      “Is he welcoming us in, or showing us the way out?”
      – John Adams (really, at least in the HBO miniseries)

  • Jeffocaster in the West

    “Follow the Money” Linda Lovelace

  • Bill D. Burger
    • proudgrampa

      “What is important is not what you hear said, it’s what you observe.”

    • PubOption

      She sure played a mean pinball.

  • laughingnome

    Ask not what your country can do for you – ask what you can do for your country.

    Pol Pot

  • Spurning Beer

    how do you like your blue eyed boy
    Mister Death?
    -Silvio Berlusconi

    • Humanity i love you
      because you would rather black the boots of
      success than enquire whose soul dangles from his
      watch-chain which would be embarrassing for both.

      eric estlin trump

  • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

    Harry Truman, Doris Day, Red China, Johnnie Ray
    South Pacific, Walter Winchell, Joe DiMaggio
    Joe McCarthy, Richard Nixon, Studebaker, Television
    North Korea, South Korea, Marilyn Monroe

    – Doris Kearns Goodwin

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      That’s great, it starts with an earthquake
      Birds and snakes, and aeroplanes
      And Lenny Bruce is not afraid

      -Marcus Tullius Cicero

    • armed_bears

      This is great. And I miss R.E.M.

  • WotsAllThisThen

    “Suckin’ on a chili dog outside the Tasty Freeze. I’m sitting on daddy’s lap got his hands between my knees.”

    -Ivanka Trump

    • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

      just sprayed my coffee across the room.

    • Christopher Story

      That’s not fake

    • armed_bears

      More ick.

    • Cucker “Dick” Tarlson

      You win.

  • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

    “It’s full of stars.”
    -Helen Keller

  • Bub, the cynical zombie

    “Religion is the opiate of the masses.”

    Pope John Paul II

  • MynameisBlarney

    “Get down and boogie and play that funky music til ya die…til ya die!”

    ~Lawrence Welk

  • willi0000000

    “shoot for the Moon . . . if you hit the streetlight at least you got off the ground”
    – my father

  • Moochie might be even more entertaining than Spicy. I can’t wait until Kate McKinnon portrays him on SNL.

  • Jeffocaster in the West

    “We do these things not because they are easy, We do these things because they are hard.” JFK on Marilyn Monroe.

    • WotsAllThisThen

      He went to her moon and did these other things.

    • Rags

      – Marilyn Monroe on JFK

  • Bill D. Burger
    • WotsAllThisThen

      TOO SOON!!!

      • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

        I can believe they let him out of prison. HE MURDERED LADY DI!

        • Rags

          -OJ

    • Lieberal promotion of violence against the right!

    • blarg

      Is it just me, or is he a dead ringer for Jared Kushner?

      • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

        It’s Jared with a porn stache.

      • proudgrampa

        It’s the dead eyes.

  • Toomush_Inferesistance
  • Bub, the cynical zombie

    “It puts the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again.”

    Steve Bannon
    (No, really. He’s actually said that)

    • That man has NEVER put lotion on his skin, c’mon :P

      • Christopher Story

        Well, not his face. But, with a face like that, I’m sure he lotions other parts of himself rather frequently.

        • Cucker “Dick” Tarlson

          Ew.

        • Gah, thank you SO much for THAT mental image…

          • Christopher Story

            Now you have an excuse to switch from coffee to hard liquor.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    Never gonna give you up
    Never gonna let you down
    Never gonna run around and desert you
    Never gonna make you cry
    Never gonna say goodbye
    Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

    Matt. 4:19

    • MynameisBlarney

      Damn you!

  • Edith Prickly
  • Toomush_Inferesistance
    • The Wanderer

      Scaramouche! Punch, get out the slapsticks!

  • WiscoJoe

    Clearly theres no evidence that Russia ratfucked our election because if they did it there wouldn’t be any clear evidence.

    Makes sense to me! Thanks, Trump!

  • Bill D. Burger
  • laughingnome

    The only real power comes out of a long rifle.
    – John Holmes

  • William

    I hope everyone enjoyed their “made in America” week. I hope you all went out and bought something made in America. …just like Vlad did. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/531530515d005922803c00f0fe9864419c970ddae38b67bb50c7734ec6a6724c.jpg

  • Opiwan

    Omg the RickRoll at the end got me… I was doing fine until that one

  • Anna Rompage

    “I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti.” Rudy Ghouliani

    • Flag on the play- not a fake quote!

      • Christopher Story

        jinx

    • Christopher Story

      I thought the joke was fake quotes

  • canes_pugnaces

    OT: Schumer / Pelosi’s ‘A Better Deal’ ™ is one of the worst branding bumbles I’ve ever heard. Having spent years (on and off) in the hallowed halls of message crafting, this sounds like a reject from a late night bs session at a shitty third tier ad agency.

    • msanthropesmr
      • canes_pugnaces

        Excellent!

    • It lacks the pith of my recommendation of “Vote for us if you want to live-Dems 2018”

    • Anna Rompage

      You’d think that with the 143 years on this planet between them, they could have come up with something better than that…

      Now here’s a nickle, go out and buy yourself and ice cream…

  • William
  • Mr. Blobfish

    Jason Chaffetz is off to a good start at Fox. How come we aren’t investing Chelsea Clinton about Benghazi?

  • Oblios_Cap
    • blarg

      Please say that’s a joke?

  • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

    I told the priest
    ‘Don’t count on any second coming,
    God got his ass kicked
    The first time he came down here slumming
    He had the balls to come
    The gall to die and then forgive us
    No I don’t wonder why
    I wonder what he thought it would get us?

    – Cotton Mather

  • coozledad
  • Bill D. Burger
  • WotsAllThisThen

    “I shouted out who killed the Kennedys when after all it was you and me.”

    -The Warren Commission

  • Anna Rompage

    “I get older, they stay the same age.” Donald Trump

  • Kiri the Unicorn

    If you can just get your mind together
    Then come on across to me
    We’ll hold hands an’ then we’ll watch the sun rise
    from the bottom of the sea

    -Anne Morrow Lindbergh

  • Opiwan

    I think, therefore, I am.

    – Justin Bieber

  • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

    Hush little baby, don’t say a word
    And never mind that noise you heard
    It’s just the beast under your bed
    In your closet, in your head

    -Carl Jung

    • P’jama Pahnts

      My favorite lullaby:

      The Shankill Butchers ride tonight
      You better shut your windows tight
      They’re sharpening their cleavers and their knives
      And taking all their whiskey by the pint

      ‘Cause everybody knows
      If you don’t mind your mother’s words
      A wicked wind will blow
      Your ribbons from your curls

      Everybody moan
      Everybody shake
      The Shankill Butchers wanna catch you awake

      • Ghenghis McCann

        Ahh, Northern Ireland; where they still hate the other people because of things that happened in the 17th century.

      • Cucker “Dick” Tarlson

        Thank you for mentioning this.

        I now have the Mariner’s Revenge Song stuck in my head.

  • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

    Ob-la-di, ob-la-dah
    Life goes on, brah!

    – Soren Kierkegaard

    • The Wanderer

      Was he the guy who kept biting the heads off whippets?

      • Invisible Bunyip

        No, no, no! Yes.

  • Bill D. Burger
    • Ghenghis McCann

      That is re-volt-ing.

    • WotsAllThisThen

      +1 for keeping the topic current.

      • proudgrampa

        That was electrifying.

        • Ghenghis McCann

          Watt’s that you’re saying?

          • proudgrampa

            I’m shocked I tells ya!

            – Thanks to Bill D. Burger for the idea

          • Anna Rompage

            Keep it up and you’re gonna end up grounded for life!

        • Bill D. Burger

          Shocking, in fact.

          • 🛶🗣️ Mr Canoehead 🛶🗣️

            Watt?

        • Anna Rompage

          Trying to amp it up I see…

        • Msgr_MΩment

          This resistance movement is transformertive.

      • Bill D. Burger

        Can’t think of a pun. My head hertz.

        • Querolous

          Tried to write a poem. Could only come up with anode.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      “With great power comes great current squared times resistance.” — Ohm’s dying uncle.
      https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/6f/74/95/6f7495defbd702e5df3e323f58461e6f–funny-science-science-humor.jpg

      • OutOfOrbit

        I thought there were Rools against exposing us to mathy stuff.

        • Ghenghis McCann

          This is Current Affairs.

          • OutOfOrbit

            But it must be rectified in the ROOLz!

          • H0mer0

            I know this is Wonkette but must you bring up buttsechs every time? (rhetorical–of course you must!)

          • OutOfOrbit

            You got it.

      • Bill D. Burger

        He was so well grounded.

    • Anna Rompage

      If this is the current state of affairs, I’m going back to bed…

    • TJ Barke

      Watts all this then?

      • Bill D. Burger

        Everybody’s all amped up. It’s re-volting.

        • Ghenghis McCann

          Power to the People!

          • Bill D. Burger

            “I’ve seen the light.”

        • PubOption

          It’s just a phase they’re going through.

      • Anna Rompage

        A little short on content, but fun all the same…

        • Bill D. Burger

          Just wait til’ they’re all fully charged.

        • Bill D. Burger

          People here are well grounded.

    • georgiaburning

      Drop that voltage! Now!

      • Bill D. Burger

        Conduct yourself properly or you’ll be grounded young man.

    • Jeffocaster in the West

      Resistance is feudal – Marie Antoinette

    • Rags

      Induction into the Hall of Fame fer sure!

      • Opalescent Riddles

        I sense a certain reluctance from those in the field who have been saturated.

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      I approve of this meme!

  • Edith Prickly

    Beans, beans, good for the heart
    The more you eat, the more you fart

    – Rene Descartes

    • 🛶🗣️ Mr Canoehead 🛶🗣️

      That wasn’t Aquinas, that was Gregor Mendel.

      • Querolous

        All we are saying is give peas a chance – G. Mendel.

  • Bub, the cynical zombie

    “I have walked that long road to freedom. I have tried not to falter; I have made missteps along the way. But I have discovered the secret that after climbing a great hill, one only finds that there are many more hills to climb. I have taken a moment here to rest, to steal a view of the glorious vista that surrounds me, to look back on the distance I have come. But I can only rest for a moment, for with freedom come responsibilities, and I dare not linger, for my long walk is not ended.”

    Donald J. Trump

  • Jeffocaster in the West

    Sic Semper Tyrannosaurus Rex – Bible Thumping Gun Toting RWNJ

  • laughingnome

    Be peaceful, be courteous, obey the law, respect everyone; but if someone puts his hand on you, send him to the cemetery.
    – Mother Theresa

    • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

      They pull a knife, you pull a gun. He sends one of yours to the hospital, you send one of his to the morgue.
      – Gandhi

      • Antonin Dvorak

        That is the Mumbai way!

  • OrG

    Fuck this shit!

    -OrG

  • The Wanderer

    As a Mouth of Sauron, he’s . . . really not very good, is he?

  • Jeffocaster in the West

    “I have a Dream” Mitch McConnell

  • Vincent Ricola

    A book is a dream that you hold in your hand.

    – Donald Trump

    • Msgr_MΩment

      A book is the best frigate. — Popeye

      • Villago Delenda Est

        A book makes for an excellent doorstop – Montesquieu.

    • P’jama Pahnts

      Trump knows that one can only read so many words throughout one’s lifetime, so he’s very very selective about what he reads.

  • Jenny

    These motherfuckers have ruined Veep for me. The daily “scandals” on the show look like child’s play compared to this shit show.

  • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

    Black boys are delicious

    Chocolate flavored love

    Licorice lips like candy

    Keep my cocoa handy

    I have such a sweet tooth

    When it comes to love

    -Richard Spencer

    • Edith Prickly

      Meeting Mr. Right, the man of my dreams
      The one who shows me true love or at least it seems
      With brown cocoa skin and curly black hair
      It’s just the way he looks at me that gentle loving stare

      Finally you’ve come along
      The way I feel about you it just can’t be wrong
      If you only knew, the way I feel about you
      I just can’t describe it, oh no no

      – Milo Yappadolopadis

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      No no, that was that Milo fella.

    • Jenny
      • Edith Prickly

        TITUS!!

  • laughingnome

    I was raised a Christian and was a stone-faced acid head.
    – Kellyanne Conway

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      Okay, but too believable.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    Oh I’ve been to Nice and the isle of Greece
    While I sipped champagne on a yacht
    I moved like Harlow in Monte Carlo and showed ’em what I’ve got
    I’ve been undressed by kings and I’ve seen some things
    That a woman ain’t s’posed to see
    I’ve been to paradise, but I’ve never been to me

    — Jack Kerouac

  • proudgrampa

    SO. It appears to me that Scaramucci is really nothing knew. At least Sean Spicer felt some guilt about the lying.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      He has some remnant of pre-mendacious thinking, maybe some would call it a scrap of conscience, that could tell him after the “I’ve been told” comment that:

      “whoa, Tony, thst sounded utterly fucking lame, almost like you’re quoting a leaker, especially in the context of firing leakers, so you should say something different. How about include Air Force One in your next try. Everyone respects Air Force One, even if it doesn’t actually talk.”

  • Bub, the cynical zombie

    “I want to rip out his heart and feed it to Lennox Lewis. I want to kill people. I want to rip their stomachs out and eat their children.”

    –Mahatma Ghandi

  • This thread could definitely use this site:

    http://www.definitelyrealquotes.com/

  • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

    “Never Gonna Give You Up” – SATAN

  • Villago Delenda Est

    “Oh my! At Waterloo Napoleon did surrender!” – John Paul Sartre

  • The Wanderer

    “One toke over the line, Sweet Jesus.”
    – Jeff Sessions

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Somebody said to me yesterday — I won’t tell you who — that if the Russians actually hacked this situation and spilled out those emails, you would have never seen it, you would have never had any evidence of them, meaning that they’re super-confident in their deception skills and hacking.

    So, they are saying the absence of evidence is evidence now?

    • Ghenghis McCann

      “I didn’t do it. No one saw me do it. You can’t prove anything.” Bart Donald J Simpson Trump

    • goingohm

      Come to think of it, I’ve never seen them both at the same time.

  • jaspersdad

    “Eclairs are named after Napoleon.”

    – DJT

  • Anna Rompage

    “If it’s gonna be that kind of party, I’m gonna stick my dick in the mashed potatoes”
    Pope Francis

  • Pat_Pending

    “I like big butts and I cannot lie.”
    – S.A. Kierkegaard

  • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

    On the day I went away
    Goodbye ey ey ey
    Was all I had to say
    Now I I I
    I want to come again and stay
    All my life
    Smile and that will mean I’m there
    Cuz I’ve seen blue skies
    Through the tears
    In my eyes
    And I realize
    I’m going home.

    -Sean Spicer

  • Bebecca

    Umm, Anthony. You haven’t been around these parts but most of the American people know the president lies every time he opens his mouth so using him as a source will just not cut it.

  • TJ Barke

    Magnets, how the fuck do they work? -Pliny the Elder.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      The tide goes in, the tide goes out. No one can explain it! – Sir Isaac Newton.

      • Rags

        Fucking magnets, how do they work!

        – James Clerk Maxwell

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      Put the lime in the coconut and drink ’em both together
      Put the lime in the coconut, and you’ll feel better
      Put the lime in the coconut, drink ’em bot’ up
      Put the lime in the coconut and call me in the morning

      -James Clerk Maxwell

      • Rags

        And there’s certain things that I adore
        And there’s certain things that I ignore
        But I’m certain that I’m yours
        Certain that I’m yours
        Certain that I’m yours

        – Werner Heisenberg

      • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

        “LOL! I almost peed!”

        — Leonid Brezhnev

  • Bill D. Burger
  • Michael R

    ” When he fuck me good I take his ass to Red Lobster ” – Walt Whitman

  • Chyron HR

    “I’ll travel through time and kill your parents.” – Albert Einstein https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/01c3853ae1448457a6eecc5028221c360d433ca80616abea84ceeea72c913b65.jpg

  • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

    Mother Superior jumped the gun
    Mother Superior jumped the gun
    Mother Superior jumped the gun
    Mother Superior jumped the gun

    – Maria von Trapp

  • The Wanderer

    “I am the Walrus. Goo goo ga job.”
    – Otto, Prince von Bismarck

  • Vincent Ricola

    “That’s their game, their rules. I’m not going to fight them, I’m going to fuck them. That’s what I know, that’s what I am, and only by admitting what we are can we get what we want.”

    Eleanor of Aquitaine

  • canes_pugnaces

    Wini. Widi. Wiki. Sad.

    DJT

  • lowenufc

    “Hallelujah! It’s Raining Men!”
    Bryan Fischer, AFA.

    • Bub, the cynical zombie

      Actually, that could be real.

  • Thorn Spike

    The Mooch must have tiny, tiny feet.

  • TJ Barke

    I’m just a hunka hunka burnin’ love! -Mao Zedong

  • Blackest Noobs

    O/T: President Trump plans to take an 18 day vacation.

    well…so much for that campaign promise about not taking any vacations…which i am sure the rubes will be like but he deserves a day off…he is so exhausted from all this fake news about collusion with Russia….it can get VERY TIRING when you’re guilty as fuck.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Also, he won’t be golfing like that slacker Obama…

      Oh, wait…

      • Ghenghis McCann

        No, Trump will be golfing like a fat guy who doesn’t take any exercise.

    • Blackest Noobs

      p.s. i as an average american do not remember the last time i took an 18 day vacation…shit i don’t think i even taken a week one off since 2008.

    • Jesus.

      Though perhaps it’s better he’s gone?

      • Blackest Noobs

        for Congressional Republicans, it’s no different if he is here or not…you get the same Trump….betcha my bottom Trump dollar he would be tweeting the whole vakay….now he onto how mean the Republicans are….and those assholes keep sticking with him….white people, what the fuck is wrong with you?

      • Ω cynmac will never surrender

        He’ll still have Twitter and he’ll still watch “the shows”.

  • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

    You say po-tay-to, I say po-tah-to
    You say to-may-to, I say to-mah-to
    Let’s call the whole thing off.

    – Helen Keller

    • grindstone

      That is funny on so many levels.

  • Major_Major_Major

    “I like big butts and I can not lie
    You other brothers can’t deny
    That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist
    And a round thing in your face”
    -St. Frances of Assissi

  • Edith Prickly

    Got to know how to pony
    Like Bony Maronie
    Mashed potato
    Do the alligator
    Put your hand on your hips, yeah
    Let your backbone slip
    Do the watusi
    Like my little Lucy
    Hey!

    – St Augustine

  • Villago Delenda Est

    “I’ve made a huge mistake” – Napoleon Bonaparte

    • lowenufc

      “There’s always money in the Banana Stand”-
      Leon Trotsky

      • Villago Delenda Est

        “I never cared for Gob” – King David

  • The Wanderer

    “I feel pretty
    Oh so pretty . . . ”
    – Alex Jones

  • Saxo the Grammarian

    Birds do it,
    Bees do it,
    All the flowers in the trees do it,
    Let’s do it,
    Let’s fall in love!
    — Martin Luther

  • TJ Barke

    Money money money, must be funny, in a rich man’s world. -Ernesto “Che” Guevara

  • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

    Come with me
    And you’ll be
    In a world of pure imagination

    – Tim Burton

  • TJ Barke

    Man, I feel like a woman! -J. Edgar Hoover

    • Villago Delenda Est

      If you were a woman, and I were a man
      Would it be so hard to understand

      J. Edgar Hoover.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      ‘Cause you make me feel,
      You make me feel,
      You make me feel like
      A natural woman

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Rudy Ghoulliani

      • Rags

        -all MGTOWS

    • PubOption

      Girl, gonna be a woman soon – Clyde Tolson

  • lowenufc

    “Bass! How low can you go? Deathrow, what a brother know….”
    Elizabeth the Virgin Queen

  • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

    It’s just a jump to the left.
    And then a step to the right.
    With your hands on your hips.
    You bring you knees in tight.
    But it’s the pelvic thrust…
    That really drives you insane
    Let’s do the Time Warp again.
    Let’s do the Time Warp again.
    Let’s do the Time Warp again!

    – Neil deGrasse Tyson

  • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

    Have you seen the little piggies
    In their starched white shirts?

    – George Orwell

    (Can you tell I’m listening to the White Album?)

    • Jeffocaster in the West

      how racist of you………..

    • goingohm

      No one will be watching us
      Why don’t we do it in the road?

      –Donald Trump

  • Cucker “Dick” Tarlson

    “My milk shake brings all the boys to the yard,
    And they’re like,
    Its better than yours,
    Damn right its better than yours,
    I can teach you,
    But I have to charge…”

    — Rumi

  • Villago Delenda Est

    And then I saw her face
    Now I’m a believer!

    Prince Paris of Troy

  • Saxo the Grammarian

    Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose,
    Nothing don’t mean nothing if it ain’t free,
    And, feeling good was easy, Lord, when he sang the blues,
    You know, feeling good was good enough for me,
    Good enough for me and my Leon Trotsky.
    — Joseph Stalin

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Oh Lord, won’t you buy me a Mercedes-Benz
      My friends all drive Porsches I must make amends

      — Saul of Tarsus

  • TJ Barke

    I kissed a girl, and I liked it, the taste of her cherry chapstick! -Martha Washington.

  • MynameisBlarney
    • TJ Barke

      LMFAO!

  • La forza del resistino

    So, the Mooch, worth something North of $1b takes on a $150k guvmint job. So appreciative of his new found sense of duty to serve the republic.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    Feelings, for all my life I’ll feel it.
    I wish I’ve never met you, girl; you’ll never come again.

    Feelings, wo-o-o feelings,
    Wo-o-o, feel you again in my arms.

    — MItch McConnell

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Shitty song, shitty senator

      It’s two mints in one!

      • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

        “Shitty Shitty Bang! Bang!”
        –Queen Victoria

  • Edith Prickly

    For the last fucking time, I don’t hate gay people.

    – Jesus H. Christ

  • Pat_Pending

    “Jesus died for somebody’s sins, but not mine.”
    — Reverend Billy Graham

  • TJ Barke

    May the Force be with you, always. -Moses

  • Bill D. Burger
  • ImGoingBacon

    Oooh are you trying to put up a front for me? I’m a spy, but on your side, you see – Kislyak

    Slip on into any disguise, I still know you look into my private eyes. They’re watching you. They see your every move – Vlad Putin

  • Bill D. Burger
    • Villago Delenda Est

      Rock’s greatest douche. Bigger than even Ted Nugent!

  • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

    ‘Cause I love my daughter, but not in a creepy way
    Though I realize father/daughter love comes off that way
    I just love my daughter—but again, not in a creepy way

    – Lord Dampnut (I really was tempted to copy/paste the entire song, but…I’ll embed instead)
    https://youtu.be/M8jU2oQTy5Y

  • MynameisBlarney

    “Sit on my face and tell me you love me!”
    ~Harry S. Truman

    • Jeffocaster in the West

      “the fuck stops here”

  • The Wanderer

    I got nipples on my titties
    Big as the end of my thumb
    I got somethin between my legs
    That’ll make a dead-man come

    Baby won’t you shave ’em dry
    Want you to grind me baby
    Grind me until I cry

    – Melania Trump

    • Smelling like a brewery,
      looking like a tramp
      I ain’t got a quarter
      got a postage stamp

      Megyn Kelly

  • Bill D. Burger
    • Bub, the cynical zombie

      Well, shit – it worked, right?

      • Bill D. Burger

        “Ya, ya…you betcha.”
        _____ Mahatma Cicero Palin

  • Bub, the cynical zombie

    “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I’ve watched c-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate. All those … moments will be lost in time, like tears…in rain. Time to die.”

    –PeeWee Herman

  • TJ Barke

    This thread is so much fun.

  • Bill D. Burger

    “Russia is a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma.”
    ___Donald J. Trump

    https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Ulw3rLXT9ns/WIoXusB0HgI/AAAAAAAAWs4/cOGQho7b0s4SGpihvo9Q4iZV6MLh2fqRACLcB/s1600/gpocoibneeyceral50b5.gif

    *Keepin’ it current.

    • Tokays_don’t_blink

      Oh, gods…that talking orange.

      • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

        I thank doG for that talking orange, it keeps me from looking at the anus mouth to the left of it.

        • Tokays_don’t_blink

          I get that. Really they’re both nightmare fuel.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Orange fool.

      NO, you Trumpster idiots, it was the name of a popular dessert in colonial times!

  • MynameisBlarney
    • The Wanderer

      I will admit to a guilty pleasure. I liked Hudson Hawk.

      • MynameisBlarney

        It was pretty entertaining when it came out.

      • Roadstergal

        I liked it when it came out. Then I re-watched it recently. Did Not Age Well.

      • eggs ackly-wright

        Anything with Sandra Bernhard can’t be all bad.

  • Jeffocaster in the West

    “ain’t no woman like the one I got (today)” Trump

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Misheard lyrics alert! Everyone knows there ain’t no woman like the one-eyed Gott.

      • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

        I thought what you said was the actual lyrics!!!111 Waaaaaahh!!! No fair!!!1

  • Edith Prickly

    You’re a rich girl, and you’ve gone too far
    ‘Cause you know it don’t matter anyway
    You can rely on the old man’s money
    You can rely on the old man’s money
    It’s a bitch girl and it’s gone too far
    ‘Cause you know it don’t matter anyway
    Say money but it won’t get you too far,
    Get you too far

    – Betsy DeVos

  • La forza del resistino

    Mooch says what anonymous source, I just got a call from John Miller who happened to be on AF1.

  • Jeffocaster in the West

    “It ain’t over ’til it’s over” Donald J. Trump 45th Preznit of the USA

  • Bill D. Burger
    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      “Anthony Wiener has an ugly wiener to go with his ugly face. I don’t know, but people are saying, believe me!”

      –Anthony Dick, who works for Donald Dick

  • goonemeritus

    Jake didn’t even have to ask the question three times.

  • Jeffocaster in the West

    “You can’t handle the truth” Fox “News”

  • Papoon, Papoon for President!
    There is no one to Blame!
    Papoon for our chief President!
    You Know He’s not Insane!

    Spiro Agnew

    • John Thorstensen

      All the monsters have been lulled to sleep by drugs and loud music, except the great Klutamoto!

      • Rags

        – Nancy Reagan

  • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

    (Still listening to the Beatles…)

    Why don’t we do it in the road?

    -Henry Ford

    • John Thorstensen

      Well, don’t we do it in the road, here at Ralph Spoilsport’s Spoilsport motors, here in the city of em-physema.

  • Bill D. Burger
    • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

      A boy’s best friend is his mother.
      – also Freud

      • Doug Langley

        I thought that was Oedipus.

        • Randy Riddle

          I thought that was Norman Bates.

          • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

            Come on, that was Byron “Buster” Bluth.

  • Run2Live
    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      What in the actual fuck is this? Somebody actually twote that?

      That dude is not right!

      • Carpe Vagenda

        Classic white Long Island suburban dude trying to be street.

        • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

          Well, I hope he doesn’t quit his day job. Oh wait….!!

      • HogeyeGrex

        Sounds about right for a Trump administration Communications Director.

    • HogeyeGrex

      Servant/masked henchman.

      Mask please.

  • Jeffocaster in the West

    “Alternate facts are the scientific method” KAC

  • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

    Tapper’s facial expressions while interviewing scaramushi inspired a meme. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/1a251efa9a1384cfffc7d21776feb62a22fb0f12f71d4619ed3c4363d275b255.png

    • eggs ackly-wright

      I wish for some enterprising techie to splice in a laugh track during these interviews.

  • Ranina

    And Trump got it from his friend “Jim”…

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      I have an invisible friend named “Jim”, as well. Sort of like Jim Kirk of Star Trek with super powers. However, I learned at an early age that talking about Jim and quoting Jim as a source of authority put a major damper on my credibility and people looked at me funny. You see, I was able to read people well enough to make that connection when I was nine or ten years old. Trump seems to have problems with that sort of skill. Anyway, as a consequence, I avoid mentioning my Jim very much since then. I can mention him on Wonkette because most of the regulars here will understand and not think less of me. Not too much, anyway.

      • Kiri the Unicorn

        Is Jim doing anything next weekend? I have tickets to a show.

        • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

          I can ask. Jim has been locked in the can all morning. Again.

          And I have to go.

      • Ranina

        If only Trump had experienced some “logical consequences” (as did most of us) for his childhood mendacity, what a different world this could be. Sigh.

  • Bill D. Burger
  • Bill D. Burger
  • Bill D. Burger
    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      LOL, but I’m not sure why!

  • La forza del resistino

    The Mooch commends Sarah Huckter’s new hair and makeup team.
    Dead Pierre Salinger says ‘Wut’?
    Now, tell us how you feel about Kellyanne, Mooch.

  • Doug Langley

    “I’m not siding with Trump! I’m just going to agree with everything he says.”

    • Rick Hill

      “…Or is likely to say.”

  • Bill D. Burger
  • Shall we begin?

    – Robert Mueller

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      He has more of John Snow than Khaleesi about him.

  • foreign agitator Captain Kraut

    “Had I a man’s fair form, then might my sighs
    Be echoed swiftly through that ivory shell
    Thine ear, and find thy gentle heart; so well
    Would passion arm me for the enterprise:”

    -Klaus Kinski

  • Bill D. Burger
    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      I thought Mahatma Llama said that!

  • Bill D. Burger
  • Weird Fishes

    All these NY Trumpistes are giving New Yorkers a bad name.

  • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

    “I am not a rutabaga.”

    –Richard M. Nixon

    • Randy Riddle

      There’s a melting clock on the Presidency.

      • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

        Apropos:

        “Our long national nightmare is over.”

        –Salvador Dali

      • eggs ackly-wright

        Hello Dali.

        • WomanInThePersistence

          Well played. Well played indeed.

    • John Thorstensen

      Call any vegetable!

      • eggs ackly-wright

        Rhubarb!

  • Weird Fishes

    Jeepers. ScaryMooch is a scary mooch.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      “Jeepers creepers,
      Where’d you get those peepers?
      Jeepers creepers,
      Where’d you get those eyes.”

      – Thomas H. Gallaudet

      • Notreelyhelping

        I thought it was Oedipus Rex.

  • Ricardo Santos

    It’s not another butt crack; it’s a toilet paper cut.
    Mr. Whipple

  • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

    Three quarks for Muster Mark!
    Sure he hasn’t got much of a bark
    And sure any he has it’s all beside the mark.
    But O, Wreneagle Almighty, wouldn’t un be a sky of a lark
    To see that old buzzard whooping about for uns shirt in the dark
    And he hunting round for uns speckled trousers around by Palmer-
    stown Park?
    Hohohoho, moulty Mark!
    You’re the rummest old rooster ever flopped out of a Noah’s ark
    And you think you’re cock of the wark.
    Fowls, up! Tristy’s the spry young spark
    That’ll tread her and wed her and bed her and red her
    Without ever winking the tail of a feather
    And that’s how that chap’s going to make his money and mark!

    –Stephen Hawking

  • Johnny Appleseed

    Trump needs more Moochers around him.

  • Serai 1

    That Williams riff made me LOL. Holy shit, this guy is even WORSE than Spicer!

  • HogeyeGrex

    It’s a small world after all.
    -Gallileo

  • Jgb979

    So mooch gets what 2 weeks?

    Probably less if Donnie finds his old pro Hillary tweets.

    • Ω cynmac will never surrender

      Less if he fires Sarah Fuckabee and the RWNJ mob howls.

      • H0mer0

        She needs a new eyebrow stylist. I know, I’m shallow…

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    I’m not siding with the Predisent! He only has one side and that side is all his. He doesn’t share it with anyone! If anything I’m disagreeing with the Predisent because anything I say that he doesn’t agree with means that I was wrong, so I don’t KNOW if I’m agreeing with him until he tells me if I am or not. So don’t jump to conclusions until the Predisent tells us to jump.
    -Scary Mooch, Do you do the fandango

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Donaldbolt and lightning very very frightning!

  • Serai 1

    As long as I have love to give
    I know I’ll stay alive

    — Susan B. Anthony

  • Serai 1

    Call me Ishmael.

    — Marky Mark

    • PubOption

      I thought that it was Carly Rae Jepsen.

      • eggs ackly-wright

        Nah…Tawny Kitaen.

  • armed_bears
  • eggs ackly-wright

    Prithee, a delicate subject handled with good taste.
    – Foghorn Leghorn

  • gedjcj

    Trump: You know, a lot of people are saying you hacked our elections. I don’t know if it’s true, but a lot of people are saying it. Maybe you did.
    Putin: Donnie, trust me. If we had hacked you, you would never know.

  • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

    “Since brass, nor stone, nor earth, nor boundless sea
    But sad mortality o’er-sways their power,
    How with this rage shall beauty hold a plea,
    Whose action is no stronger than a flower?
    O, how shall summer’s honey breath hold out
    Against the wrackful siege of batt’ring days,
    When rocks impregnable are not so stout,
    Nor gates of steel so strong, but time decays?
    O fearful meditation! where, alack,
    Shall time’s best jewel from time’s chest lie hid?
    Or what strong hand can hold his swift foot back?
    Or who his spoil of beauty can forbid?
    O, none, unless this miracle have might,
    That in black ink my love may still shine bright.”

    –Genghis Khan

  • calliecallie

    So THIS is the quote thread everyone is talking about. Did Ivanka’s fake Einstein quote come up somewhere? Something like “if the facts don’t fit the theory, change the facts?” I hope so. I will post here what I posted there yesterday.
    “Let them eat cake.” – Dolly Madison.

  • Jeffery Campbell

    All this leaking! Where did you get this from:
    https://youtu.be/R6qFG0uop9k

  • calliecallie

    We really have to get Scary Moocher out of the news cycle, or I will be signing Queen in my head until he is gone.

  • Serai 1

    The secret to life is sincerity. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

    — Mother Teresa

  • Muskrat Suzie, Muskrat Sam
    Do the jitterbug out in Muskrat Land
    And they shimmy… Sam is so skinny.

    ~ Jesus of Nazareth

  • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

    Number 9. Number 9.
    (The Watusi. The Twist.)

    – Charles Dickens

    • Serai 1

      Where’re the white women at?

      — Charles Dikkens (the well-known Dutch author)

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Extra point for At Last the 1948 Show reference.

        • Serai 1

          I was referencing Python, myself. But you’re right – Feldman did it first.

          • Mehmeisterjr

            And I don’t think the Pythons ever did it, though perhaps it popped up in a stage show.

            The Feldman & Cleese original was providentially recovered and it is absolutely hilarious. (And on Youtube) Feldman re-did it without another actor as the straightman and, though I prefer the original, Feldman remains the classic pest.

            His comic timing was perfect. And remember that he was a writer, not a performer at all, until Cleese dragged him against everybody’s better judgment into the “1948” series.

            I don’t even want to think about how many more helpless belly-laughs I might have enjoyed if Marty Feldman hadn’t died so soon.

            Well, OK, Sean Spicer is gone but it isn’t quite the same thing, is it?

          • Serai 1

            No, they did it. It was on the Contractual Obligation Album, I think. My best friend and I memorized it when the album came out, and we kept saying we were going to do it in a bookstore one day, but never did.

          • Serai 1

            I was right, it was that album:

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eCM2nEBE0RY

            That’s the version I knew. I only found out about the original a couple of years ago, when I came across it on YT.

          • Mehmeisterjr

            That sounds like Cleese and Palin as The Pest. And Palin was a great pest.

            I had that album back in the day and had completely forgotten the sketch.

          • Serai 1

            I loved that curly little voice Palin put on for the skit. It’s so deeply annoying.

  • roberteye

    First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win. – Morey Amsterdam

  • fawkedifiknow

    “That’s me in the corner
    That’s me in the spotlight
    Losing my religion
    Trying to keep up with you
    And I don’t know if I can do it
    Oh no I’ve said too much
    I haven’t said enough”

    –Pope Francis

  • Serai 1

    You are in a room with two doors. There is a bird singing in a cage.

    — Thomas Edison

    • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

      No, I wouldn’t pull the switch to make the train go on the other track.

  • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

    ’Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
    Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
    All mimsy were the borogoves,
    And the mome raths outgrabe.

    – Adele (and she could pull it off!)

  • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

    This is my rifle. There are many like it, but this one is mine…”
    –Moses

    • H0mer0

      D’Onofrio libelz

  • Serai 1

    No soup for you!

    — Julia Child

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      “‘Want some of my stew? It tastes like shit!”

      — Julia Child

  • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

    “Istanbul was Constantinople. Now it’s Istanbul, not Constantinople.
    Why did Constantinople get the works? That’s nobody’s business but the Turks.”
    –President John Adams

  • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

    “a date which will live in infamy”
    –Jim Lange

    • eggs ackly-wright

      Nice jacket, Jim. Who shot the couch?
      – John Paragon

  • Mehmeisterjr

    It looks like Scaramucci has a bad case of Selbstfußschießen to go with his already-noted Backpfeifengesicht.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      –Goebbels

  • Me not sure

    “This is not “Cesi nest pas une pipe”. This is “This is not to be reproduced.”
    Me not Rene Magritte https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/0033a822550ac7343923be07373d1f317fa88c2fb19d785636fb72e91a6b5a47.jpg

    • Rags

      ignore this non-comment

      • House0fTheBlueLights

        Ceci n’est pas une commentaire. Il n’y a pas des commentaires ici.

      • Me not sure

        ..at your own peril.

  • notanncoulter

    to have ambition was my ambition
    – Soren Kierkegaard

  • data_ninja

    Good morning. In less than an hour, aircraft from here will join others from around the world, and you will be launching the largest aerial battle in the history of mankind. Mankind, that word should have new meaning for all of us today. We can’t be consumed by our petty differences any more. We will be united in our common interest. Perhaps it’s fate that today is the 4th of July, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom. Not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution, but from annihilation. We’re fighting for our right to live, to exist and should we win the day, the 4th of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day when the world declared in one voice, ‘We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight! We’re going to live on, we’re going to survive.’ Today we celebrate our independence day!”

    –Napoleon Boneparte

  • notanncoulter

    i’m hot blooded
    check it and see
    i’ve got a fever of 103
    come on baby
    do you do more than dance?
    i’m hot blooded
    i’m hot blooded
    did i mention that i’m hot blooded?
    – Siddhartha

  • notanncoulter

    glad that the rest of the office is out right now because i am laughing like an idiot reading this thread… just the thing for a case of the mondays.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      You forgot the attribution. Wasn’t that Mandela that said that?

  • Geoff Richmond

    “Is this the real life? Or is it fantasy? Caught in a landslide, no escape from reality.”
    -Queen Elizabeth II

  • Pax Americana Per Ars Smith

    “There once was a man front Nantucket…”

    – Pope Paul

  • SisterArtemis

    Day 20: Vegan ButtHoleGate lives!

    • H0mer0

      but do they matter?

      • SisterArtemis

        All that matters is that we perpetuate this word-combo/meme-material phenomenon into the infinite future!

  • Zyxomma

    This thread is the very best. Thanks, Dok.

    ”To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” ~Anna Wintour

  • Mehmeisterjr

    “Oh oh oh oh
    I got a girl named Rama Lama, Rama Lama Ding Dong
    She’s everything to me
    Rama Lama, Rama Lama Ding Dong.”

    – Sir Galahad

  • notanncoulter

    baseball been berry berry good to me
    -chico escuela

  • Mehmeisterjr

    “What we have here is a failure to communicate.”

    – Samuel F. B. Morse

  • Ginnie Sack

    “And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep.” Tom Bodett

  • Mehmeisterjr

    “Those who write on restroom walls,
    Roll their shit in little balls.
    Those who read these words of wit,
    Eat those little balls of shit.”

    – Charles-Louis de Secondat, Baron de La Brède et de Montesquieu

    • alpacapunchbowl

      Oh, that’s who wrote that. I could’ve sworn it was deSade.

  • eggs ackly-wright

    Ellafitzgerald, my dear Whopper.
    Shamrock Wolmbs

  • Mehmeisterjr

    “Whales tales, Prince of Wales.”

    – The Venerable Bede

  • Raan

    Shake for me girl
    I wanna be your backdoor man
    – President Richard Milhaus Nixon

  • Mehmeisterjr

    “Mairzy doats and dozy doats and liddle lamzy divey
    A kiddley divey too, wouldn’t you?”

    Arthur Schopenhauer

  • Raan

    Don’t worry ’bout your laundry
    Forget​ about your job
    Just crank up the volume
    And yank off the knob
    We got it all (we got it all)
    On UHF
    – Philo Farnsworth

  • Mehmeisterjr

    “Every little breeze seems to whisper ‘Louise.’
    Birds in the trees seem to twitter ‘Louise.’
    Each little rose
    Tells me it knows I love you, love you.”

    – Vlad the Impaler

    • Duke

      And the wind cries “Mary.”

      – Hubert Humphrey

      • Mehmeisterjr

        “I talk to the trees.”

        – Sir Herbert Beerbohm Tree

  • Raan

    The word is out
    Better treat me right
    ‘Cause I’m the king
    Of cellulite

    – William Howard Taft

    I could do this shit all day.

  • Hemp Dogbane

    “How about it is the President, Jake?” Isn’t that a line from Chinatown?

  • Hemp Dogbane

    Animals strike curious poses…

    Charles Darwin

    • H0mer0

      [I wondered what he was saying.]

  • Mehmeisterjr

    “I’m a Ramblin’ Wreck from Georgia Tech and a hell of an engineer,
    A helluva, helluva, helluva, hell of an engineer,
    Like all the jolly good fellows, I drink my whiskey clear,
    I’m a Ramblin’ Wreck from Georgia Tech and a hell of an engineer.”

    – Joseph Stalin

    • Ω cynmac will never surrender

      Buzz Libelz!1!1!
      ETA: To HELL with GEORGIA

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    Listen…
    Do you want to know a secret?

    –Anthony Scaramucci

  • pussygrabber in chief

    Giuchie, Giuchie, ya ya dada
    Giuchie, Giuchie, ya ya here
    Mocha Chocalata ya ya

    — Code of Hammurabi

  • Raan

    Can’t you see what I’m trying to say darlin’, I’d
    Rather have my blood sucked out by leeches (leeches)
    Shove an ice pick under a toenail or two
    I’d rather clean all the bathrooms in Grand Central Station with my tongue
    Than spend one more minute with you
    – America to Donald Trump

    • Bill Diaz

      A have a strange craving for an accordion right now…

      Have a great day!

      • theCryptofishist

        That’s not strange, that’s rational and life-affirming.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    “These boots are made for walking
    And that’s just what they’ll do
    One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you.”

    – Florence Nightingale

  • Relativicus

    On the other hand, he has a cute nickname so we can all laugh and say “Ohhhhh that’s just Mooch being Mooch!”

    My favorite part is, Obama was the president who hated America sooooo much. Yet Trump, who loves America as much as Obama hated it, plus a gajillion, is the guy who has such a low opinion of our own intelligence community that he bought Putin’s “If we did it you’d have never known” without a second thought. Or first, probably. Because that’s what it means to love America, not any of that “common cause” bullshit.

    • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

      He has such a low INTELLIGENCE, that HE bought it, and thought it was clever without realizing how heinous it is, or what it implies about his own guilt by association. “Listen, if my buddy here murdered someone, you wouldn’t even KNOW it was him.” A pure bully’s mentality, sucking up to a much bigger bully without even slightly realizing that he’s being completely played for the fool he is.

  • pussygrabber in chief

    Damn, I wish comments were allowed. If they were, this would be Best Thread Ever.

  • Radardude

    Sitting on a park bench
    eyeing little girls with bad intent.
    Snot running down his nose
    greasy fingers smearing shabby clothes.
    Drying in the cold sun
    Grabbing as the frilly panties run.
    Feeling like a dead duck
    spitting out pieces of his broken luck.

    — El Presidente Trumpissimo del Grande
    (non-commenter: My apology for lyric alteration and if I’m duplicating)

    • SprinklemagicResistancebuns

      Are you sure he said that himself? Wasn’t that said *about* him?

      AOT, K?

  • pussygrabber in chief

    It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

    — Erwin Schroedinger

  • Kooolest G
  • Mehmeisterjr

    “Don’t you remember you told me you loved me, baby?
    You said you’d be coming back this way again, baby
    Baby, baby, baby, baby, oh, baby
    I love you, I really do.”

    – Livia Drusilla

  • 3FingerPete

    “Gonna find my baby.
    Gonna hold her tight.”
    – Oliver Wendell Holmes

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Senior or Junior?

  • chimpevil

    Donald J Trump is the kindest, warmest, bravest, most wonderful human being I’ve ever known in my life.

    –No One. Ever.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Update: No One. Ever. Until Scaramucci.

  • Celtic_Gnome

    When they first announced Da Mooch, I said, “Who?”

    Now, I know. Just another grifter who doesn’t know nothin’ about anything except making money without working for it.

  • ahughes798

    Out here in the fields
    I fight for my meals
    I get my back into my livin’
    I don’t need to fight
    To prove I’m right
    I don’t need to be forgiven
    -Mark Twain-

    • SprinklemagicResistancebuns

      That at least sounds a little more like something he’d say.

      • H0mer0

        “they’re ALL wasted!”

        Spiccoli

    • pussygrabber in chief

      Nope. That’s Walt Whitman.

      • ahughes798

        Damn! I knew I’d get it wrong.

  • ZangoCrudmonger

    “Come on baby, light my fire!”

    David Koresh.

    • Yr. Gma

      Too soon?

    • Raan

      How do you get 80 Branch Davidians in a Beetle?
      Two in the front, two in the back, the rest in the ashtray.

  • Bill Diaz

    Let the bodies hit the floor,
    Let the bodies hit the floor,
    Let the bodies hit the floor,
    Let the bodies hit the …
    FLOOR! -Gandhi

    Have a great day!

  • Notreelyhelping

    Bring back that lovin’ feelin’
    Whoa, that lovin’ feelin’
    Bring back that lovin’ feelin’
    ‘Cause it’s gone, gone, gone
    And I can’t go on, woh
    –Mitch McConnell

  • BeachBum

    See, now, this is why I come here. I learn something everyday.

  • Poly_Ester

    To paraphrase Bill, “It depends on what your definition of meeting is.”

  • theCryptofishist

    Trump Jr really has a ratty face.

    • theCryptofishist

      Rodent LieBulllZZZZZ!!!!!!!11

      • H0mer0

        “Please, Ratty! I want to row now!”

        Winston Churchill

    • Mehmeisterjr

      To be fair…. Ah, hell, I got nothin’.

  • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

    My contribution to that email chain was “Whasssssssup”-Abraham Lincoln

  • Mehmeisterjr

    “No one will be watching us
    Why don’t we do it in the road?”

    – Henry Ford

    • SprinklemagicResistancebuns

      Well played!

  • Mehmeisterjr

    “My mommy said not to put beans in my ears
    Beans in my ears, beans in my ears
    My mommy said not to put beans in my ears
    Beans in my ears.”

    – Gregor Mendel

  • Yr. Gma

    At the risk of my friend Woman stamping her foot on me, I am going to body shame this arrogant little cunt, Scarethemoochies. (Hey, he’s not a girl. That we know of.) He is one of those short, in stature and elsewhere, pricks who makes up for his lack of inches by being loud and obnoxious and EVERYWHERE. I’m sure we all know one like this. I’m reminded of a bobble-head doll, head too large for the body, missing neck, painted-on hair and glass eyes, just sitting there on the dashboard doing nothing useful but still always THERE. I’m gonna go out and look in the bushes for Spicey.

    • Persistent Demme

      My little (15 lb.) dogs love to bark like they are sooo tough.
      They especially love to yap at big dogs.
      This is the doggy version of a “Napoleon Complex.”

  • Mehmeisterjr

    “Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-ay
    My, oh, my, what a wonderful day
    Plenty of sunshine headin’ my way
    Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-ay!”

    – Lynette “Squeaky”Fromme

  • kareemachan

    No one else can make me feel the colors that he brings
    I’ll stay with trump while we grow old and we will live each day in springtime

    Scarydouche

  • Mehmeisterjr

    “Little Boy kneels at the foot of the bed,
    Droops on the little hands little gold head.
    Hush! Hush! Whisper who dares!
    Christopher Robin is saying his prayers.”

    – Bugsy Siegel

  • Mehmeisterjr

    “Why can’t they be like we were,
    Perfect in every way?
    What’s the matter with kids today?”

    – Leopold and Loeb

    • H0mer0

      [That’s just so wrong]

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Too soon?

  • AnnieGetYerFun

    “My ding-a-ling,
    My ding-a-ling.
    I want you to play
    with my ding-a-ling.”

    -Sun Tzu

  • MynameisBlarney
  • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

    interesting how what the Mooch first said, then what he said the president said, aren’t hte same thing.

  • SprinklemagicResistancebuns

    That stupid quote, besides the fact that it’s not Mark Twain, anyone who’s taken half a high school lit class knows that doesn’t sound like something he’d say at all. It’s also been attributed to Satchel Paige, which is nearly as ludicrous.

  • handyhippie65

    “haiku, fuck you. eat shit and die.” sum ting wong.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    “My name is Raymond J. Johnson Jr. Now you can call me Ray, or you can call me J, or you can call me Johnny, or you can call me Sonny, or you can call me Junie, or you can call me Junior; now you can call me Ray J, or you can call me RJ, or you can call me RJJ, or you can call me RJJ Jr. but you doesn’t hasta call me Johnson!”

    – Demosthenes

  • I would go out tonight, but I haven’t got a stitch to wear.

    -Naked Vegan Butthole Baby

  • “The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents. We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far. The sciences, each straining in its own direction, have hitherto harmed us little; but some day the piecing together of dissociated knowledge will open up such terrifying vistas of reality, and of our frightful position therein, that we shall either go mad from the revelation or flee from the deadly light into the peace and safety of a new dark age.”

    Ronald Reagan

    Ya know, this one doesn’t seem fake, since it’s been the GOP platform for the past forty years…

  • SprinklemagicResistancebuns

    Dearly beloved, we are here today to get through this thing called life.
    Electric word life, it means forever, and that’s a mighty long time.
    But I’m here to tell you, there’s something else…

    ~ Pat Robertson

  • Mehmeisterjr

    “Oh, the flat foot floogie with a floy, floy,
    Flat foot floogie with a floy, floy,
    Flat foot floogie with a floy, floy,
    Floy doy, floy doy, floy doy.”

    – W. H. Auden

  • Mehmeisterjr

    “Our Country! In her intercourse with foreign nations may she always be in the right; but right or wrong, our country!”

    Kid Rock (R-MI)

  • Jesse

    Let me take you down, because I’m going to Strawberry Fields
    Nothing is real and nothing to get hung about
    Strawberry Fields forever

    Darth Vader

  • Mehmeisterjr

    “It’s the oldest established, real estate floating crap game in New York!”

    – Charles Kushner and the Kushner Tabernacle Choir (Jared and Ivanka Kusher, soprano soloists)

  • antipode

    You walked in
    And my life began again
    Just when I’d spent the last piaster
    I could borrow

    Ben Bernanke

  • Mehmeisterjr

    I could not love thee (Dear) so much,
    Lov’d I not Honour more.

    – Doug Piranha

  • Ωbjectifier

    Knew there had to be a Rick Roll in there somewhere.

  • Ωbjectifier

    Be bop a lu-la
    She’s my baby
    Be bop a lu-la
    I don’t mean maybe
    – Marquis de Sade

  • Mehmeisterjr

    What a piece of work is a man! how noble in reason! how infinite in faculty! in form and moving how express and admirable! in action how like an angel! in apprehension how like a god! the beauty of the world! the paragon of animals!

    – Blake Farenthold

    • Zyxomma

      A ducky pajama bridge too far.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Cat scratch fever
    Cat scratch fever
    Cat scratch fever
    Cat scratch fever

    Cat scratch fever
    Cat scratch fever

    – Itchy

    • Lordpnut

      Ted Nugget is a prophet. (See Dog v. Dog.)

      Sigh

      I’ll show myself out…

  • Sekhmet1

    “I may have the body if a weak and feeble woman, but I have the heart and stomach of a king, and a king of England too, and I think foul scorn that Parma or Spain or any prince of Europe should dare invade the borders of my realm” – Taylor Swift

    Also too, Melania Trump’s next speech.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      National Enquirer headline: “Weak and Feeble Hillary Colludes with Spain and Parma. Spics Stream Across Border.”

      Sidebar: “No End in Sight. Trump Rallies Resistance, Kushner Assumes Viceroyship of Pentagon.”

      Sub-sidebar: “His squeaky-toy voice inspires us,” say not-at-all-intimidated troops.

    • James Yakura

      “…and the wingspan of an albatross. And the left hook of a heavyweight champ!”
      “Well, this may not be a great thing for Spain.”

  • pussygrabber in chief

    My anaconda don’t, my anaconda don’t
    My anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun

    –Mike Pence

    • H0mer0

      I thought he just liked to watch.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        That’s The Donald.

      • thixotropic jerk

        Only if Mommy says it’s okay.

  • SeeTrain65

    “Bawitdaba, da bang, da dang diggy diggy
    Diggy, said the boogie, said up jump the boogie”

    – John Donne

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Deep River,
    My home is over Jordan.
    Deep River, Lord.
    I want to cross over into campground.

    – Jared Kushner

  • Slamtundra

    Abraham Lincoln was a good old man
    He hopped out the window with his dick in his hand
    Said ‘excuse me lady, I’m doing my duty
    So pull down your pants and give me some booty’

    – David Herbert Donald

  • Ginnie Sack

    “Oh, The Places You’ll Go!” – Natasha P. Hooker

  • Invisible Bunyip

    “No, Luke. I am your father.”

    Joseph.

  • BreakingDeadMen

    “This place is nothing like I expected it to be”
    Hieronymus Bosch

  • Sala-gadoola-menchicka-boo-la bibbidi-bobbidi-boo

    Put ’em together and what have you got?

    Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo

    – Leviticus 12:6 -7

  • Mehmeisterjr

    “Look at me,
    I’m as helpless as a kitten up a tree;
    And I feel like I’m clingin’ to a cloud,
    I can’ t understand
    I get misty, just holding your hand.”

    – John Dillinger

  • goingohm

    “You see that fish? If that fish’d kept his fuckin’ mouth shut, he wouldn’t a got caught.”

    –Socrates

  • Mehmeisterjr

    The square of the hypoteneuse is equal to the sum of the square of the other sides.

    – Kellyanne Conway

  • Mehmeisterjr

    “I’m gonna wash that man right outa my hair,
    I’m gonna wash that man right outa my hair,
    I’m gonna wash that man right outa my hair,
    And send him on his way.”

    – Lorena Bobbitt

    • BeachBum

      Or Lyin’ Ted/

  • Mehmeisterjr

    “Oh, that this too, too sullied flesh would melt,
    Thaw, and resolve itself into a dew.”

    – Anybody named Huckabee

    • thixotropic jerk

      “The squirrel that you kill in jest, dies in earnest.”
      ~Ex-Goobernoor Hucknberry

  • Mehmeisterjr

    “It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.”

    – O. J. Simpson

    • Incoming Ham

      That’s awful.

      I salute you, Jr.

  • Incoming Ham

    “Twenty-twenty-twenty four hours to go I wanna be sedated
    Nothin’ to do and no where to go-o-oh I wanna be sedated
    Just get me to the airport put me on a plane
    Hurry hurry hurry before I go insane”

    – Thomas Edison

  • Mehmeisterjr

    “When I have a brand new hairdo
    With my eyelashes all in curl,
    I float as the clouds on air do,
    I enjoy being a girl!

    I’m strictly a female female
    And my future I hope will be
    In the home of a brave and free male
    Who’ll enjoy being a guy having a girl… like… me.”

    – Ted Cruz

  • Mehmeisterjr

    “Knock three times on the ceiling if you want me
    Twice on the pipe if the answer is no.

    Oh my sweetness,
    [Knock, knock, knock] Means you’ll meet me in the hallway
    Twice on the pipe means you ain’t gonna show.”

    – Emily Dickinson

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Damn, this game of misquotations is so easy and so fun. And yet, I am not the Director of Communications for the Putin Administration or for any corrupt régime. How is this possible?

    • mfp, all 6s&7s&9s

      because you’re too dam good at what you do, jr

  • Somecallmetim

    If the Russians are so good at hacking that you won’t know you are being hacked by them, then hacking is so easy that we are definitely being hacked. But Donald wonders – how we can stop them from doing that shit they for sure didn’t do? Hmm. I got the best idea that ever dribbled out of my spinal column, let’s turn our elections over to them for cyber security. They know exactly how they could keep themeselves from hacking the election. Putin will gladly protect us from his army of hackers because we are friends. Or at least I know he’ll do it if I give him a hand job.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      This is exactly the plan that The Donald is proposing.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    “When the moon hits your eye,
    Like a big pizza pie,
    That’s amore.”

    – Alex Jones

  • redblack

    There’s a feeling I get when I look to the west,
    And my spirit is crying for leaving.
    In my thoughts I have seen rings of smoke through the trees,
    And the voices of those who standing looking.
    Ooh, it makes me wonder,
    Ooh, it really makes me wonder.

    – johnny mathis (riffing on shakespeare)

  • BeachBum

    ” See, every morning I get a cup of black coffee here. This morning Annie puts in cream and enough sugar to choke a horse. I just came back here to complain about my coffee and I see you assholes trying to rob the place. And me and my friends don’t appreciate that. ‘ Friends ? You ain’t got no fucking friends ! ‘ Oh yeah I do, me, Smith and Wesson.” —– Mother Theresa.

  • BeachBum

    “Any of you dumbasses know who killed Kennedy ”
    ‘Sir, it was Lee Harvey Oswald from the book supository’
    Depository. With a WW II Eyetalian bolt action, Oswald got off 6 shots, including 3 hits and a head shot. Any of you fuckers know where he learned to shoot ? ”
    —- Florence Nightingale.

  • mfp, all 6s&7s&9s

    “scaramucci, scaramucci, can you do the wang-tango?”–ted nugent

  • BeachBum

    ” Don’t you know Trix are for kids ?” —Archibald Cox.

  • BeachBum

    Supercalifragilisticexpealidocious. —-Talia Veselnitskaya

  • JCfromNC

    “I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.”
    —Mahatma Gandhi

  • phoenix00

    “Let it go. Let it go. Turn away and slam the door.”
    – Anonymous source. May or may not be “President” Trump.

  • phoenix00

    “Five days you work
    One whole day to play
    Come on everybody, wear your rollerskates today
    It’s Saturday, Saturday
    Saturday, it’s Saturday
    Saturday, it’s Saturday
    Saturday, it’s Saturday-ay”
    – Paul Ryan

  • Sorry folks, wrong thread.

  • I see a red door and I want to paint it black. 🚪

    No colours anymore i want them to turn black.

    I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes.

  • katahdin

    I don’t care too much for money, money can’t buy me love
    Can’t buy me love, everybody tells me so
    Can’t buy me love, no no no, no

    Donald J. Trump

  • Ill-Advised

    Set a thief to catch a thief. — Charles IX, “The Spider”

  • Maybe

    I’m currently re-reading The Order of the Phoenix.

    I wonder when Scaramucci will get his High Inquisitor title:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OYge3liC2sk

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