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Holy frack holes, Wonketariat, it’s Friday! Pour yourself a cup of whatever floats your boat and take a peek at ALL THE MANY NEWSES we might be talking about today.

Trump is trying to figure out how to pardon himself and his family now that Robert Mueller is dredging up Trump’s finances. One lawyer involved is quoted as saying, “This is Ken Starr times 1,000… Of course it’s going to go into his finances.” [MORNING MADDOW]

Trump’s Legion of Doomed lawyers and liars are trying to “You’re Fired” Robert Mueller and his team for taking a gander at Trump’s tax returns. They’re hoping to find “conflicts of interest,” like when Mueller stopped attending a Trump trash palace in 2011.

Robert Mueller and his league of extraordinary investigators are wondering if Paul Manafort MIGHT have been laundering some money from Russians through his business’s fake businesses. [Archive]

The New York Times will not retract a story about Paul Manafort’s $17 million debt to pro-Russian groups in Not America, stating that they have “no basis” to correct a complex story about Paul Manafort’s ALLEGED money laundering.

SURPRISE! Zombie TrumpCare/McConnellCare is getting beaten back into the grave now that more and more Republicans are trying to disassociate themselves from killing their most reliable voter base.

Senate Republicans are blaming Mike Lee for screwing up their chance to finally kick all the poors off Dr. Uncle Sam’s back.

Ajit Pai is not going to release 200 pages of documents related to an alleged cyberattack on the FCC shortly after John Oliver aired this story urging people to send pro-net neutrality comments because (apparently) there aren’t any documents to release, and if there were any documents, they’d be covered under the Trade Secrets Act. So there!

The FCC is refusing to comply with a FOIA request to release 47,000 net neutrality complaints against the ISPs who have paid FCC Chairman Ajit Pai many Ameros to severely fuck up the Internet.

Deep inside a dark room on the Hill House Republicans are secretly trying to revive the ban on paying for military members to undergo gender reassignment, but don’t bother asking them about the bill, they won’t tell. Trigger warning, this story is full of ignorant quotes.

GOOD NEWS, EVERYONE! The House has decided to fund the National Endowments for Arts and Humanities. I say we use the money for more Trump pee pee statues, flying pig balloons, NSFW Tweet memorials, and other stuff.

Rep. Scott Garret might get dumped for consideration to lead the Export-Import Bank due to his history of gay bashing Republican candidates and his years of shit-talking the EIB.

Sen. Dick Durbin and Lindsey Graham have introduced the “Dream Act,” which would grant legal status to Not American youths who entered the US before the age of 18, and met specific stipulations, like living here for four years, going to college, enlisting in the military or holding down a steady job.

Trump’s people are killing hundreds of Wall Street regulations. So that’s good.

The House Budget Committee has given the green light to a $163.5 billion spending bill that skull-fucks retirement plans of federal workers, AND allows them to fire federal workers for no reason. THIS IS NOT OK.

The Senate Judiciary Committee approved Christopher Wray for FBI Director. His nomination now moves to the Senate floor; the Majority Leader expects to hold a vote before the August recess. Meh.

It looks like years of kissing ass may finally pay off for Anthony “The Mooch” Scaramucci, who is being considered for the White House Director of Communications.

The spokesman for Trump’s legal team, Mark Corallo, has “You’re Fired” himself presumably because he didn’t feel like bitching out Bob Mueller on Fox News twelve times a day.

Trump’s brilliant lawyer Marc Kasowitz has been sidelined now that Ty Cobb and John Dowd have taken over. Sounds like someone could use a drink.

It appears that Prince Kushner is still trying to trade visas for Ameros according to Chinese advertising campaigns working in conjunction with Kushner Companies. Grifters still grifting!

Mar-a-Lago applied to hire 70 foreign workers during “Made in America Week.” I guess they’re making the American Dream?

Somebody(s) made damn sure that Mark Zuckerberg never talked to any climate scientists during his trip to Glacier National Park. At least he met Gracie the Bark Ranger.

Betsy DeVos was speaking to an awful rightwing policy company NPO and revealed that she feels she’s earned a “badge of honor” from all her protesters. Those aren’t gold stars and participation trophies, they’re shattered dreams and middle fingers.

Trump is pissed at Jeff Sessions for not having his back in the Trump-Russia scandal, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg that’s frozen their bromance.

Paul Behrends, CA Republican Rep. Dana Rohrabacher’s creepy pro-Russia aide, was “You’re Fired” after people started poking into his sketchy past.

A federal judge is upholding an injunction on Trump’s plan to defund sanctuary cities. Looks like Food Truck Friday rides again!

If New Jersey Dem. Senator Bob Menendez is convicted of corruption charges, that means Chris Christie could appoint a temp Senator to fill the seat. If he gets off, Senate Democrats have to decide whether or not to support his reelection campaign.

CIA Director Mike Pompeo had a sit-down talky time with a think tank and said Russia is definitely screwing with our elections (plural!), and talked some shit about North Korea.

Exxon-Mobil is suing the Treasury Department over fines it levied after Exxon violated sanctions imposed on Russia in 2014….when it was being run by REXXON.

Qatar is blaming SOMEONE or something in the UAE for hacking its state-run media, but they’re not necessarily blaming the UAE itself.

Israeli police have banned Muslim men under 50 from the al-Aqsa mosque/Temple Mount following a series clashes with police. Mass protests are expected later today to coincide with a Muslim religious week.

The Israeli military is stepping up humanitarian efforts in Syria now that Trump has decided to say “Fuck all ya’ll” to the Syrian people.

Russia is experiencing its annual plague of locusts, which is either proof that God exists and has a sense of humor, or that Russia really is kind of a shithole.

Microsoft has been knocking out Russian hackers by building a back door into the Russian back doors, and then suing the people who own their websites. LOL, fancy that!

No, NPR was not trying to silence Milo Yiano-whatever, he’s just being an attention whore since nobody wants his book.

One of the Pizzagate jerkoffs went to Auschwitz to threaten the ADL about making “lists” of “undesirable” people. You know who else had a list of undesirable people?

Rupert Murdoch told DEAD Roger Ailes to skew Fox News coverage “to anyone but Trump…even Hillary” but Ailes chose to ignore it, thus giving us yet another reason to spit on his grave. Side Note: the author of this story is a shitheel.

Dame Peggington Noonington hath emerged an ink stained wretch to opine that one, Donald J. Trump, is no Ronald Reagan. Nay, none in the miserable Swamp have the legislative capabilities, nor successful career as an act-toir (having appeared in such films of pure Americana as “Mr. Cowboy Goes to the Water Hole”) as her former love. Barf. [Archive]

And here’s your late night wrap-up! Stephen Colbert went to Russia and found Trump’s pee pee bed; Jimmy Kimmel wondered if people on the street know Jeff Sessions; Seth Meyers took A Closer Look at Jeff Sessions’s bromance with Trump; and The Daily Show knows why Macron wouldn’t let go of Trump’s hand.

And here’s your morning Nice Time! A chihuahua puppy and baby goats!!

WOAH! That’s a lot of newses for one day! Maybe gives us some Ameros for booze? Please?

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  • memzilla Ω
    • arglebargle

      beep beep

    • Mr. Blobfish

      Needz moar Acme.

      • Gayer Than Thou

        Not sure if this is an Acme product, but it does depict how I think things are going for the Republicans on secret tax cuts for the ultra-rich healthcare.
        https://media.giphy.com/media/4qANoeI3g45a0/giphy.gif

        • laughingnome

          Needz moar Mitch McConnell

  • schmannity

    Will somebody please flip Flynn and/or Manafort on threat of 20 years in a Supermax so this Felini Presidency can end?

    • As Maddow pointed out last night, it took 18 months to get to this point under Nixon, and we just got here in six (to the day). Plus, we know all of this because of hardcore reporting from journalists that give ZERO fucks about the consequences, as opposed to letting this all play out behind smoke-filled rooms.

      • cmd resistor

        And Mueller has been on the job for, what, about half that time?

    • Opalescent Riddles

      Feels a bit like a Peckinpah Presidency to me.

      • LesBontemps

        Really? ‘Cause I’m really getting a David Lynch vibe off this.

        • Opalescent Riddles

          Would you believe Peckinpah Parody Presidency?

        • bupkus231

          I’m anticipating Guillermo Del Toro

      • Tarantino without the humor

  • YayConspiracy

    It’s Mueller time!

  • Joe Beese

    So much news…

  • mardam422

    Really? LEAUGE? What are you some kind of common moran?

  • Stulexington

    Mar-a Lago, making hypocrisy great again.

  • schmannity

    I always wondered what it was like to live in 1930s Germany.

    • Gayer Than Thou

      Oh em gee, lately I literally have been thinking, while at lunch or brunch or whatever, “this is the scene in the movie where we’re showing the good times before it got bad, and we’re all joking about how it’s bad but it can’t get that bad in a way that the audience will feel is poignant because they know how bad it’s going to get.”

      • bupkus231

        STAHP! Yer scaring me!!!

  • Vincent Ricola

    There’s no place on Earth or the internet to hide from the long arm of Microsoft lawyers.

  • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

    A federal judge is upholding an injunction on Trump’s plan to defund sanctuary cities.

    You know who else provides sanctuary? Churches, particularly Catholic Churches. Why does Little Babby Donnie hate Jesus?

    http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/ct-sanctuary-churches-met-20170221-story.html

    • Bobathonic

      Why does he hate Quasimodo?

      • Komsumverweigerer Ron

        Quasimodo had better hair and posture.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Trump’s people are killing hundreds of Wall Street regulations. So that’s good.

    Since the GOP is running things, it’s time for another financial meltdown!

    • Longstreet63

      You can’t make more disaffected Trump voters without crashing the economy, you know.
      Anyway, that last little stutter in 2008 didn’t hurt the big banks a bit, so why change a good thing?

    • From Russia with Love

      Good. When the Dow gets back below 8K, jump in.

  • Stulexington

    Am I the only one a little concerned that Microsoft now has access to the stolen files carefully collected by Russian malware?

    • Best Advice: Assume that nothing is private anymore. :(

      • Opalescent Riddles

        Hey, I told you that in confidence!

    • Opalescent Riddles

      All of better “hope” they use their powers only for good.

  • Jeffery Campbell

    Paul freaking Manafort: I was millions in debt to the Russians and now, Presto! I’m not. Why is that even considered noteworthy or unusual? Go to Jail, Go Directly to Jail. Do not Pass Go, Do Not Collect $200.

    • Mr. Blobfish

      His wife found out how many millions he was being paid by watching the news.

      • Marceline

        Seriously? I hope someone from Mueller’s team contacts her. I’m sure that many mobsters have been taken down by pissed off wives and girlfriends.

    • Gayer Than Thou

      My assumption all along is that a similar transaction took place between the Twitler dynasty and the Russian mob and now, to avoid polonium plated toilets, Trumpy is somewhat incompetently trying to hand over the country to the Russkies.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    I want to pinch Lola’s fluffy little behind.

  • Bill D. Burger

    Captain America knows what time it is:

    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DFOdHjUUwAEz_V2.jpg

  • Oblios_Cap

    It looks like years of kissing ass may finally pay off for Anthony “The Mooch” Scaramucci, who is being considered for the White House Director of Communications.

    Hannity will be pissed that all of knob gobbling didn’t get him the job.

    • Komsumverweigerer Ron

      Not that that will stop him from gobbling said knob.

      • Gayer Than Thou

        I will enjoy the day when President Cheeto gets mad at Hannity and throws him under the bus in the pages of the New York Times.

        • Komsumverweigerer Ron

          ‘Insufficiently fawning.’

      • Opalescent Riddles

        Spewed Hannity’s lumpy head, bobbling:
        I’m due, after all the knob gobbling,
        A place beside Don
        To preen and to fawn
        But now I’m just simp’ring and sobbling.

        • Komsumverweigerer Ron

          Extra upvote for the G&S/Tom Lehrer-ish ‘sobbling’!

    • From Russia with Love

      That job pays about 10% of what it would take to make me interested. And I don’t even know what it pays.

  • Rep. Scott Garret might get dumped for consideration to lead the Export-Import Bank due to his history of gay bashing Republican candidates and his years of shit-talking the EIB

    Odd since we just let THIS gay-basher in:

    http://www.slate.com/blogs/outward/2017/07/20/senate_confirms_john_k_bush_anti_gay_blogger_to_the_6th_circuit.html

    • Garret’s getting pushback from big money backers who don’t want to deal with his bullshit. You can apparently hate the LGBQT, but you can’t hate the big international banks.

    • bupkus231

      The Ex-Im bank is just bureaucracy – the 6th Circuit Court of Appeals has some real power – so, of course, Republicans won’t derail ANY nominee, no matter how offensive his views.

  • Bill D. Burger
    • Pax Americana Per Ars Smith

      You never disappoint, meme-wise.

  • Martini Ambassador 🍸

    Weeks are like years under the bloated shadow of the orange traitor, honestly
    https://twitter.com/tonyposnanski/status/888238587434684416

  • Oblios_Cap

    If he gets off, Senate Democrats have to decide whether or not to support his reelection campaign.

    It should be a pretty easy decision. He’s a douchebag crook, so don’t.

    • Gayer Than Thou

      As long as we have a viable Democrat alternative to replace him. And by “viable Democrat alternative,” I mean a cabbage, if it can be elected instead of a Republican.

      • bupkus231

        New Jersey. Lotsa cabbage heads….

        I kid….

  • Mr. Blobfish

    What’s trump gonna screw up today? Let’s watch.

    • Bill D. Burger

      3…..2…..

    • cmd resistor

      Here’s his published schedule for the day. Not sure if he’s going off to play golf this weekend or not. He probably didn’t get to actually PLAY last weekend because those wimmins were all over the golf course having their tournament.
      Daily intelligence briefing
      Credentials ceremony for newly appointed Ambassadors to Washington, D.C.
      Visits with survivors from the USS Arizona

      • kareemachan

        So… he gives a fuck about the Arizona tragedy and not about the USS Fitzgerald?

  • Villago Delenda Est

    We are approaching a Constitutional Crisis.

    Donald knows Mueller can nail him to the wall. Donald thinks he’s above the law. Mueller is going to expose everything under Donald’s rock.

    The solution is Impeachment. The problem is Congress refuses to act.

    I don’t know how this ends. This is without precedent. The bottom line is Donald and his entire family need to wind up in jail.

    • Les Appentis De la résistance

      It hopefully ends with a wave election in 2018 that sweeps the GOP out of power.

      • ExecutorElassus

        You mean the election of the historically gerrymandered-to-fuck House, and the Senate that would need a supermajority to convict? While That Keebler Fucker and That Kansas Fucker are doing everything in their power to purge minorities and Poors and other Not-Real-Americans from the voter rolls? *That’s* the election you’re predicting is going to produce a Congress capable of impeaching This Asshole?
        It won’t happen. Mueller is going to be fired, the investigation is going to be quashed, and our only remaining solace will be the NYAG nailing everybody *but* That Asshole to the wall on state RICO/laundering charges. But it won’t matter, because by that point the US will be an authoritarian vassal state of Russia in all but name.

    • Mr. Blobfish

      The moment Orange Don fires Mueller, Mueller goes on the TV and tells everything he knows.

    • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

      They need to, but they won’t. He’ll resign and there will be pardons all around.

      Anybody but Pence, 2020 (except for that shit-hat Cruz).

      • kareemachan

        Or Ryan. Or Mittens. Or any other repug.

  • therblig

    “I would rather die than be in the United States Senate,” Christie said in 2014. A year later, he said he would “rather jump off the Brooklyn Bridge than be in Congress.

    “I need a fucking job.” – Chris Christie 2017

  • Bill D. Burger

    Your word for the day is:

    Exhaustipated: Too tired to give a shit

    As in: I’m exhaustipated at the moment and need to take a break.

    _____ ~Resist! ~

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Chester Bennington Is a totally rock and roll name. Poor kid.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Pardon me?
    tRump2020!

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Happy National Junk Food Day, everybody! Now, that’s a cause I can get behind.

    • Martini Ambassador 🍸
      • Nockular cavity

        We. Are. Fucking. Doomed.

      • Left Coast Tom

        He sounds like Grandpa Simpson talking about wearing onions in his belt, as was the style at the time.

      • Canned Covfefe

        Joke, right?

      • kareemachan

        Holy effing shit. What was this?

        • Martini Ambassador 🍸

          Parody, although not out of the realm of possibility

    • That includes beer, right? I’m going to go ahead and just answer “yes” to my own question on that one.

      • Mr. Blobfish

        Gotta wash those Ding-Dongs and Ho-Hos down with something.

      • kareemachan

        Drink!

  • Martini Ambassador 🍸

    Shoot, I can’t find it now, but I read one of Dumbass’ apologists last night claiming that his question about a self-pardon is not incriminating; it’s simply interest in how the process works. Suuuure, because Donny and Intellectual Curiosity go together like catsup and a well-done steak, eh?

    • Since the fuck when is he interested in anything?

      • Martini Ambassador 🍸

        Well, to be fair, he’s always interested in any shady shortcut that enables him to make an extra buck.

        • ariel_gee_398

          Also, Ivanka’s cleavage. He’s always been interested in that.

          • From Russia with Love

            Perhaps the only interest of his that I share.

          • PubOption

            He paid for most of it.

    • miss_grundy

      Nixon’s lawyers had the same discussion with him. He said it would be the dishonorable to pardon himself. And that was Nixon. Trump has never allowed honor to get in the way of enriching himself by scamming others.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      “Hmmm, just wondering…If I invade and conquer Australia, do I get to keep all their shit for myself?”

      • From Russia with Love

        Here Donald, have a wallaby.

        • LucindathePook

          And several thousand poisonous insects and snakes.

          • kareemachan

            Not to mention the other reptiles….

            PS – I’d love to visit Australia, if for no other reason than the geology is gobsmacking and the Aussies I’ve met have been nice.

        • aureolaborealis

          Koalas are way more fuckable, except for the claws.

          https://youtu.be/e9vCDXPOXP8?t=5m

  • Mary Theresa

    Trumps lawyer Marc Kasowitz resigned his post due to personal reasons, he wants to spend more time with his liquor cabinet.

    • From Russia with Love

      Who doesn’t?

      *checks watch, notes that it is one hour and eight minutes until happy hour…

      • SweetDeeKat

        I’m still searching for something for breakfast. Gin and Cheerios are looking good.

        • kareemachan

          Beer and bananas.

          (If anybody knows what this refers to, I’ll kowtow to them.)

          • SweetDeeKat

            Either killing slugs or the happiest IBS diet ever.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        Like you have something to “do” that makes you wait until happy hour?

        • From Russia with Love

          It’s known as “living a few more years.”

  • Vincent Ricola

    Colbert has the biggest balls out of all the nighttime comedian type people. I thought blasting GWB for all those uncomfortably hilarious minutes at the WHC dinner took nerve, but going to Russia, making jokes to oligarchs faces, and making noise about the peepee tape goes way beyond a few shrub jokes. He’s an American treasure.

    • This bit today had me rolling during my exercise routine!

  • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

    I’m thinking the way this ends is Trumpy resigns and Pence pardons him and his family. It almost has to, right? Everybody know Trump is up to his eyeballs in money laundering, the Russian mob, etc.

    • Vincent Ricola

      Trump and his grifting family might get pardoned, but there’s no way to undo the investigations into all his criminal friends who aren’t POTUS and won’t get pardoned. If I were Donald, that’s what would be keeping me up at night.

      • From Russia with Love

        Those Ruskies do get a bit testy when they don’t get their vig.

      • puredog

        If you were Donald you wouldn’t give a shit what happened to your non-family “friends.”

        • Robbertjan Brandenburg

          My experience is that everybody starts to care as soon as they are on the receiving end of the barrel of a shotgun.

    • From Russia with Love

      The only limits mentioned in the Constitution are that pardons are limited to offenses against the United States (i.e., not civil or state cases), and that they cannot affect an impeachment process.

      • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

        Did not know there’s no way out of state cases. Sweet!

        • From Russia with Love

          That and he can’t pardon himself once he is impeached. So giddyup!

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        I’m beginning to think our hopes lie in state and federal district courts that are beginning to sniff around Trump’s financial crimes.

        • From Russia with Love

          Me too, brother. And you just know that there are a few judges in say, New York, who would love to take a shot.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            Right? I mean, some judge has gotta have a cousin or brother-in-law who’s a contractor that Trump bilked.

          • Claire

            The NYAG has declared fatwah on Trump. Everyone in New York hates him and now the AG has an excuse to dig into RICO statutes and start confiscating properties.

          • From Russia with Love

            See also: list of treason convictions in the US. Some of them have been in state courts.

    • therblig

      Pence might not pardon if he thinks it will hurt his POTUS election or the GOP agenda. Not saying he wouldn’t say he’ll pardon, just to get trumpy out – after all, who’s going to believe a disgraced felon?

      • kareemachan

        Pence is not popular with anybody, from what I hear. I really don’t think he has a chance at the next presidency.

        • BeachBum

          Needs moar hate mongering for the “economically anxious.”

        • BeachBum

          I think so too. Ford was IMO a decent guy, not part of the Nixon admin and he couldn’t get elected as sitting pres. Pence is a slimy, lying acolyte very much a part of this pile of poop.
          Also the break in was nothing compared to what Trump and the Russians did. And that s just what we know about.

  • Panika MCD

    the TX Senate is holding hearings on a slew of hot button issues:

    the HHS Committee has already gaveled in. they just finished hearing a thing on DNR, will be talking about abortion complications reporting for about 20 minutes and then will get to other abortion restrictions. luckily for the Pink Dome, they are in a hearing room, rather than on the Senate Floor, so State Sen. Charles Schwertner, the committee’s chair, doesn’t have a glass table top to break when he gets GRRR MAD this time. http://tlcsenate.granicus.com/MediaPlayer.php?view_id=5&event_id=2642

    in 20 minutes, the State Affairs Committee will begin its hearing on the bathroom OUR WIVES AND DAUGHTERS! bill. I’m covering that one. IBM has filled the hotels with employees so I’ll likely be here for about 22 hours. if they’re still going, a co-worker will take over for the Saturday shift.

    at 10 am CDT, the Senate Education Committee will be talking about school vouchers and school finance reform–which the chair of the committee thinks is code for…school vouchers.

    of the subjects, the abortion measures are most likely to get any traction at all in the House because they have to do something.

    • Hot messes all over the place this week!

    • Keep me posted, and I’ll see if we can’t hit it this weekend or Monday.

      • Panika MCD

        they’re doing hot button hearings on Saturday and Sunday as well.

      • Panika MCD

        also too: granicus is terrible. it works best on Explorer–it’s true, it’s the one thing that works better on Explorer. and you need to download the Silverlight extension. it’s dumb, but it’s true. all hearings will be posted here:
        http://www.senate.texas.gov/av-live.php

  • Robbertjan Brandenburg

    Trump has not tweeted today yet. That must mean his lawyers finally tied him up.

    • Martini Ambassador 🍸

      God, I hope they are using the ball gag too.

      • Robbertjan Brandenburg

        He might actually enjoy that.

      • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

        Good move. He can’t shout the safeword like that.

    • From Russia with Love

      Index finger got stuck in his nose.

    • janecita

      Maybe he is riding the dementia wave high today, and he forgot how to tweet.

      • Gayer Than Thou

        Given his track record, maybe he’s just stiffed Verizon one month too many.

      • kareemachan

        Nah, they just over-tranquilized him.

  • MynameisBlarney
  • From Russia with Love

    “The House Budget Committee has given the green light to a $163.5 billion spending bill that skull-fucks retirement plans of federal workers…”

    Are we allowed to skull-fuck again, or is it just the skull-fucking of retirement plans of federal workers that is allowed?

  • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

    OT: China has banned any mention or pictures of Winnie the Pooh because apparently the resemblance to Chinese President Xi Jinping has annoyed the regime.

    In a similar vein, do not be surprised if Trump tries to ban troll dolls:

    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CcKmqThUUAAq817.jpg

  • therblig
    • The Wanderer

      “MEIN FUEHRER! I CAN WALK!”

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    Is chubby golfing this weekend? Our does he have a hot date with his Russian beau? Maybe phone sex? It’s so hard to keep up.

    • Jeffocaster in the West

      Who’s “chubby”? You mean fat-ass motherfucker shit bag slimeball low life treasonous scam artist orange faced butt hole?

      • OutOfOrbit

        “–tRumphster.”

      • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

        Yes, that one. The odds are good that he’s visiting one of his trash palaces, just wanted confirmation.

  • laineypc

    “Zombie TrumpCare/McConnellCare is getting beaten back into the grave now that more and more Republicans are trying to disassociate themselves from killing their most reliable voter base.”

    Now the voter fraud commission makes sense! The repubs are going to be just fine even if they literally kill their reliable voter base because clearly they will still be able to vote. The commission is actually exploring: how does one use a deceased person’s registration to do voter fraud? Zombie voters for Zombie Trumpcare!

    • Stulexington

      Simpson’s quote time: “The dead are rising from the grave and voting Republican.”

  • Mr. Blobfish

    I’m off to Trader Joe’s. Anyone need anything?

    • therblig

      a couple of those shirts the employees wear.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Beer, obvs. And some trail mix. It’s going to be a long day.

    • Do they have those cakes we like? If so, lots of those

    • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

      I need some more fucks. I have none left to give. Pick me up a few? Also, maybe, if you see any, some dignity?

    • oblivias

      A case of two buck Chuck, please.

    • NastyBossetti

      Anything alcoholic, as I had a call with my company’s CEO earlier this morning that leads me to believe he is going to ruin my entire day today by being a condescending asshole.

    • Cheap wine, please!

    • Shibusa
    • puredog

      One a those small 99-cent bags of dark chocolate peanut butter cups, please.

    • Doug Langley

      A job application, please.

    • paxpax

      A bag of gummi “Scandinavian Swimmers” and a container of Italian Roast coffee it’s not too much trouble.

    • SeeTrain65

      From the voice of Comedy Central, Kyle Kinane, who once floated a Trader Joe’s “conspiracy” saying, “I think Trader’s Joe’s parking lots are so small because they want you to think they’re more popular than they actually are.”

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vaW2VuJvCf4

  • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

    Thanks for the morning reading list. Much appreciated!

  • Jeffocaster in the West

    Good morning wonks. The good news: It is not my $1300 well pump that failed, just a breaker. The bad news: The well remote system is on the fritz. First world problems, I can live with it. Got hot coffee……Oh and yeah, Trump is a fuckface…..carry on.

    • The Wanderer

      Hot coffee = a good solvent for many worries.

    • kareemachan

      Our coffeemaker broke. My SO has the sadz. (Me, not so much, seeing that my body doesn’t handle coffee very well any more)

    • BeachBum

      I keep 1-2 gal of water stored cause the area’s pipes are 3rd world and when they fix them they never tell us. We just wake up with no water. I can live with it.

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    Mueller follows the money.
    http://i.imgur.com/7981ABx.gif

    • Persistent Demme

      Damn!
      People are creative and clever!
      Thanks!

      • Robbertjan Brandenburg

        And have a LOT of spare time on their hands.

    • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

      Well that cheered us the fuck up this morning!

    • janecita

      Why did you post this? Now I have to go get another dog! Thanks Obama!

    • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

      So the 40th time we watched it we noticed the car has flashing lights on top, snappy!

    • BeachBum

      Good one ! Thanks !

  • Persistent Demme

    Can anyone but Rosenstein(sp) fire Mueller?

    • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

      No. Hence Trump’s whine about Sessions’ lack of precog abilities and following protocol and recusing himself from the investigation except when he fired Comey.

    • No, but Trump could fire Sessions, Rosenstein, (like Nixon and the Saturday Night Massacre) just work his way down the line of succession until someone agrees to fire Mueller. People are speculating that this would be the trigger mechanism to start impeachment proceedings.

    • puredog

      Trump could fire Sessions and then appoint someone who is NOT recused from the Russia matter(s), and that person would outrank Rosenstein and could fire Mueller.

  • Jenny

    Skull fucking the federal workforce is going to work out poorly for everyone, but especially the house reps. So weird how all their tax returns were posted on the dark net. How did that happen?!! Also the term going postal exists for a reason.

  • cmd resistor

    OT, but I got an email from my GOP Florida congressman (Brian Mast) who usually reliably votes party line about how he voted against an amendment to the defense budget that would have stripped out funding for a study of how climate change affects the military. He is ex-Army and said changing climate was routinely considered as a factor in future threat analysis. 42 other republicans voted against the amendment and it was defeated. Baby steps, but I’ll take anything positive.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      I’ve been saying this for years now: Think climate change is a hoax? Ask the U.S. Navy. They’ve been making plans to deal with it for decades.

      • Shibusa

        It must be hard for GOP snowflakes to reconcile their mindless worship of all things military with the fact that the DoD knows climate change is real and is actively preparing for the potential fallout.

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          Yeah…if they were capable of that level of self-awareness, we wouldn’t be in this pickle right now.

        • Dutchman

          You don’t know cognitive dissonance
          Like I know cognitive dissonance

          With chorus’ of LALALALALA I’ve got my fingers in my ears…..

    • aureolaborealis

      We must give moderate conservatives room to be moderate conservatives again. It’s about fucking time for them to start coming back out of the woodwork.

  • MynameisBlarney

    So….does Mueller kinda look like Agent Coulson to anyone else or is it just me?

    • Shibusa

      I’m not seeing it!

      • MynameisBlarney

        Ok…fine…try leaning back and squinting a bit.

        • Ghenghis McCann

          If that doesn’t work, take a drink. Then repeat until you see the resemblance.

          • MynameisBlarney

            That’s the spirit!

    • Dutchman

      Okay fine, but no spoilers please. I’m currently binging the show and only in the early 2nd season.

      • MynameisBlarney

        Oh man, you’re in for some good tv watchins!

    • Zyxomma

      If Director Coulson/Agent Coulson were a little older, sure.

  • Panika MCD

    ladies and gents, start your engines. here comes the potty police.

    http://tlcsenate.granicus.com/MediaPlayer.php?view_id=5&event_id=2633

  • Jeffocaster in the West

    So Trump is looking into pardoning his treasonous sons, colleagues and himself. Prior to being charged with anything. Is it not time for congress to convene impeachment hearings?

    “I am not a crook” – Richard Milhous Trump

    • Ghenghis McCann

      Pardoning them before they’ve even been charged? Is there a name for that, like Get Out of Jail Free card?

      • Carpe Vagenda

        Pre-emptive pardon, like the one Ford gave Nixon? Only I don’t know if that was ever challenged in court.

  • Ricky Gay

    Ah, but will Scaramucci do the Fandango?

    • SeeTrain65

      He is very very frightening.

  • Jenny

    https://youtu.be/EhnBSkIKQwQ

    Dammit! I want one!

  • Randy Riddle

    Well, all Trump has to do is pardon himself, Pence, his cabinet, and his family, then shoot someone on 5th Avenue, and then the GOPers in Congress will be ready to glare at him sternly.

    • bupkus231

      I’m beginning to think Rump will literally have to shoot someone to get the Republican Congress to act.

      • Egghh…

        Trump claimed that he could shoot someone in the middle of Fifth Ave.

        http://www.snopes.com/donald-trump-fifth-avenue-comment/

        • bupkus231

          Yeah, but that’s all metaphor. The GOP Congress is both so spinelessly afraid of the Trumpanzees AND so eager to have a rubber stamp in the WH that Rump would have to actially fulfill that metaphor – with John Roberts, the Pope, and Dead Breitbart as witnesses willing to testify.

          IOW – The GOP Congress is altogether complicit in anything and everything that Rump will blunder into.

      • Yellerduck

        Only if it was one of them.

      • House0fTheBlueLights

        Only after the enact their hateful agenda. Seriously, if they were going to act beforehand, they’d have done so by now.

  • Yeesh

    Look out, Bob Mueller and the LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY LAWYERS!!! You and your crew have awoken a supreme team of intellectually impotent men ready to DUHHHH and Drool all over you in order to distract you from seeing their underlings clumsily attempt to destroy evidence before it is discovered!! There is still time to catch TRUMPS idiots before they destroy anything as the shredder refuses to work. The masked evil doers furiously punch in launch codes hoping the right numbers will turn the machine on while the smarter ones yell commands at the shredder. All the while nobody notices that the machine is unplugged.. hurry and catch them bob, for they have begun plan b: eat the evidence!!! The time has come for you and your team, BOB, to battle your greatest foes—-The D.C. DUMMIES… Beware, for these bizarro HARLEM GLOBETROTTERS can spin lies with their fingers and hit LIE-UPS like no others while never dribbling the ball as they institute TRAVEL BANS…

  • Red Bird

    Maximum squeeeeeeeeeee! Babby Chihuahua!!!

  • Claire

    Huh, so Murdoch was Anyone But Trump. I wonder how that’s going to play out now that Ailes is burning in Hell and Murdoch’s sons are taking over. I suspect that when the baby boomers start their mass die-off, Fox News will die with them because there aren’t enough fearful, angry GenXers to sustain it.

    • AJ Milne

      Sadly, I do know one or two fearful, angry GenXers like their Faux and their RWNJ FaceBork swill…

      … and man, but there’s just something incredibly pathetic about that. Geez. Can’t even plead senility or something.

      Anyway, yeah, doubt they add up to much in viewership.

      • Claire

        Sure, there are Trumper GenXers, but we were a baby bust. There are fewer of us by millions than there are in the baby boom or millennial generations. Combine population loss with the cord-cutters and Fox’s cable-TV revenues will probably drop pretty precipitously.

    • aureolaborealis

      Shit. Some of the worst, racist, shitstain Fox/Breitbart/Infowars zombies in my family are millennials.

      • Claire

        I’m not talking about generational differences in racism. I’m talking about generational changes in viewership of cable news in general and Fox news in particular. Those are two different things.

        • aureolaborealis

          And I just pointed out that from where I’m sitting there appears to be no shortage of millennial shitheads watching Fox News for their daily/hourly propaganda update. I mean, I hope you’re right, but …

    • Yr. Gma

      Are we doing to do the generational crap again? Let’s not. (By the way, as a boomer, I’m sorry to disappoint that I haven’t yet taken part in the “mass die-off” you anticipate, and neither have many of your fellow Wonkers who are also not Fox news devotees. Over generalization is not useful, Claire, my dear.)

      • Claire

        Sorry, I missed the part where talking about actual, data-based Fox News viewership demographics was “doing the generational crap again.” Should I make up some numbers to make baby boomers feel better about themselves and talk about those instead? Here, the average age of the Fox news viewer is 24, is that better? (It’s not, it’s 65, and the median is 68, but that’s “generational crap” so let’s just stick with alternative facts. Also let’s pretend there’s no generational difference in cable subscription rates, time spent watching TV, life spans, or people ceasing to watch Fox News or anything else after they die.)

        The baby boomers are going to die. Generation X, my generation, is going to die, most of us over the same time period, in what is colloquially known as a die-off. Eventually the same thing will happen to the millennials. Everyone dies, and generational cohorts tend to die around the same time, in bulk. But that’s probably “generational crap” too, so fuck it, since we hate data today let’s just say we’re all immortal.

        • Yr. Gma

          I’ll see if I can hurry up and die for you so you can have the earth to yourself. I’ll be sure to notify anyone else in the Boomer generation that you say it’s time we go. You are a snotty little shit. Blocked.

    • Gina Bousquet

      The US has one very big mass of stupid right-wingers, Trump’s victory allowed their head count. The world is sorry for the sane ones among you. Let me just remind you baby boomers demonstrated for civil rights, created the women’s liberation movement, invented NGOs, thus, the organized grassroots movement in political participation, produced the best in pop music and filmaking, to mention just a few accomplishments your generation inherited. Baby boomers are not all right-winger hillbillies, most of the lefties on the liberal sites are retired baby boomers.

      • Claire

        Thank you for that information. What does it have to do with the fact that Fox News’ viewers are mostly elderly?

        Once again, the topic of my post was the long-term viability of Fox News after its largest viewer demographic is gone, not whether literally every baby boomer who was ever boomed is a right-wing asshole. If you can explain to me how your post relates to viewing numbers or the possible cultural effects of the decline of cable news, I will be glad to listen.

  • UnsaltedSinner

    Someone just learned that he won’t be receiving the William F. Buckley award after all.
    https://twitter.com/seanhannity/status/888398132328968196

    • Ghenghis McCann

      Well he did get one thing right, “Awards” have nothing to do with the quality of your work, or your contribution to the Human Race. They’re just there to help raise money.

    • TundraGrifter

      Well, that certainly explains why he politely declined the award when it was first announced.

      Meanwhile, the twit Tweeted: “Hannity’s response, in part, was to tweet to Stephens: ‘I’ll say to you and the @nytimes (Fake News) I do not care what u think.'”

      That makes perfect sense. Mature adults, such as InSannity and President Trump, spend a lot of time telling people what they don’t care about! You betcha!

      PS: Christopher Buckley is a very, very funny writer!

    • miss_grundy

      Yeah, bite me Hannity!

  • Ben Shapiro isn’t the only one who learned A Very Important (and freakin’ obvious) Lesson about the perils of doing things out of abject cruelty and stubborn ignorance.

    https://www.nytimes.com/2017/07/20/health/affordable-care-act-repeal-popularity-doylestown-pennsylvania.html

    It never fails how many people always think they are the “special elite” (hey look at that! It’s that terminology this selfsame people keep accusing other people of being!) And will be immune from the toxic policies and hardships they want to foster unto others.

    I wasn’t kidding about the stupefying ignorance, by the way. Check out this chouce quote:

    “I can’t even remember why I opposed it,” said Patrick Murphy

    😑

    Because an “elistist” Black man (with his “foreign” Muslim-y name) enacted it, perhaps?

    • Doug Langley

      “the negative ads on TV” And just who was cranking those out?

      • SDGeoff3

        It wasn’t Proctor and Gamble.

  • Doug Langley

    Time for this week’s installment of . . . The Fountainhead!

    http://www.patheos.com/blogs/daylightatheism/2017/07/fountainhead-work-hire/

  • Dominic, these newz roundupz each morning are amazing. Thanks! And for the nice times at the end!

  • Alexander Stallwitz

    I fail to see how deregulation of Wall Street could go wrong, its not like deregulating caused a massive economy depression/recession and nearly crashed the world economy. Oh wait…

    • phoenix00

      No big!

  • Zyxomma

    So, the chihuahua is Lola but the baby goats are just The Kids? Okay.
    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DFOh8pbV0AAajhl.jpg

    • President in Exile Firefly

      I sense a swiftboating campaign: “But he wounded himself!”

      • Ω cynmac will never surrender

        At this point in time, that may work with only 25% of the population. Unfortunately 47% of the voters.

      • miss_grundy

        That is what Dolt wants to do. But will the Republicans let him get away with it?

    • miss_grundy

      And he is also a Republican so you can’t accuse him of bias. At least he can help clean up his own political party.

  • TundraGrifter

    “Tailgunner” Joe McCarthy tried to discredit those investigating him during the Army-McCarthy Hearings. It didn’t turn out well for him. At all. Also.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      see also: Nixon

  • BeachBum

    Re: Can Trump pardon himself. “When a man knows he is to be hanged…it concentrates his mind wonderfully.” Sam Johnson.

  • Angela Ruzzo

    Do these plans to “skull-fuck” the retirement of federal employees include Members of Congress? I suspect not. Of course not, what am I thinking!!

    • Ω cynmac will never surrender

      My newest sign is going to say “Why isn’t YOUR healthcare MY heathcare?”.

  • guppy06

    Chris Christie could appoint a temp Senator to fill the seat.

    What has Former Senator Roland Burris been up to lately?

    • President in Exile Firefly

      Another fine member of the Daley machine who couldn’t stop grifting once he got to national office. See also: Rostenkowski, Dan.

  • The Librarian

    With all this firing going around Somebodies needs to “You’re Fired” Dana Rohrabacher. Hopefully, next election

    • thixotropic jerk

      Amen!

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    Rupert Murdoch told DEAD Roger Ailes to skew Fox News coverage…

    So the lede here is not that Murdoch would have taken even Hillary over Drumpf, or that Ailes refused, but that the owner of a media conglomerate is directing the content of his news division.

    • Ω cynmac will never surrender

      Hearst Libelz!!11!1

    • Bitter Scribe

      Fox News, HotBL. Fox News is to a real news division as processed cheese is to real cheese.

  • Paperless Tiger

    You know who else had a list of undesirable people?

    The GOP membership list?

    • Ω cynmac will never surrender

      NRA, for sure.

    • SeeTrain65

      Every Republican still holding town halls?

  • miss_grundy

    Spicey resigned as WH press secretary. There goes Melissa McCarthy’s gig on SNL.

    • Petunia Cat

      ☹️

  • HAHAHAHAA poor Dominic! He has the world’s longest list of daily news stories and fucking spicer goes and resigns.

    ;(

  • SeeTrain65

    Betsy DeVos was speaking to an awful rightwing policy company NPO and revealed that she feels she’s earned a “badge of honor” from all her protesters. Those aren’t gold stars and participation trophies, they’re shattered dreams and middle fingers.

    So, Betsy, if I shit in your mouth, will you call that a chocolate sundae? (h/t David Cross)

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