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Hello there, Wonketariat! We have MANY NEWSES this morning, and here’s some of the things we may be talking about today!

Zombie TrumpCare/McConnellCare has collapsed after Sen. Mike Lee and Jerry Moran pulled out late last night, making the GOP look like “dopes,” according to Trump.

While Lee and Moran were crafting their escape route, Trump was strategizing on how to strong-arm wobbly Republicans during a fancy dinner at the White House.

Mike Pence has been lying through his surgically perfected teeth about healthcare, suggesting he either never read about zombie TrumpCare/McConnellCare, or he’s just A Idiot.

House Republicans unveiled their budget plan early this morning and it outlines massive spending cuts to financial regulations, federal workers’ benefits, and the social safety net. Here’s a surprise: they’re hoping to skip Democratic opposition by using reconciliation…again.

A House panel wants to make massive cuts to the Department of Transportation, rejecting a $200 billion spending bill to upgrade roads, rails, airports, ports, and public transit. Guess “MAGA” is more a metaphor.

REXXON will close the State Department’s Office of Global Criminal Justice because the US no longer gives a damn about Not American leaders committing war crimes. God forbid we should get out hands dirty and stand up for human rights in some fuggo mud hole.

The FBI can keep secretly spying on US citizens, for better or worse, according to a ruling the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals. Content distributors and phone operators had been suing for the ability to notify customers.

US Cyber Command will split from the NSA and become a separate, independent military command instead of an investigative tool by the NSA.

Jeff Sessions wants to steal all your shit if you’re arrested and says he will issue new directives on asset forfeiture.

The Kansas Supreme Court’s disciplinary office is investigating Kris Kobach over a complaint about Kobach’s ethics as an attorney in the state. Wonder if this will hurt Trump’s chances of finding all those illegal Mexican voters? Nahhh.

Texas Republican Rep. Lamar Smith joined House members for a SUPER SECRET trip to the Arctic Circle to learn about climate change back in May. No word on whether he brought back any snowballs for James Inhofe.

Last week, acting head of the Office of Civil Rights Candice Jackson said “90 percent” of campus sexual assault complaints “fall into the category of ‘we were both drunk,’ ‘we broke up, and six months later I found myself under a Title IX investigation because she just decided that our last sleeping together was not quite right.’” She’s since offered an apology, disclosed very personal information, and even made Betsy DeVos defend her, but a number of people still think she’s got to go.

Trump’s pick for the Export-Import bank, former Rep. Scott Garret, is being pressured to withdraw by lobbyists and Congress over previous statements about how much he hates the Export-Import Bank.

Republicans don’t know how they’re going to raise the debt ceiling, and that has forced Steve Mnuchin to “brush up on options in the ‘crazy drawer.'”

Trump’s White House has declared this Made In America Week, and we’ve been treated to silly photos of Trump playing in fire trucks. BEEP! BEEP!

The legislative civil war raging in Texas is about to get serious as Republican lawmakers in the statehouse are set to enact more preemptive laws to stop cities and counties from enacting liberal polices, like transgender bathrooms, or making the governor replace a pecan tree he cut down, possibly because he suspected it was wearing a boy tree’s leaves.

Alabama is having a fuck-tussle trying to fill Jeff Sessions’s seat, with the top three super-conservative candidates trying snipe each other with Nancy Pelosi associations, being Trump’s doormat, and threatening to read the King James Bible on the Senate floor until someone builds the Tortilla Curtain.

Illinois Republican Governor Bruce Rauner “You’re Fired” his new body man on his first day after Politico found explicit sexist, racist, and homophobic tweets on his twitter account. #ThisFuckinGuy

Trump is fighting a request to testify in a suit over violence at his rallies during the election. His lawyers say he didn’t mean to hurt people, despite all the times he threatened the press, threatened protesters, and told people to “Get’em out of here.”

Trump will certify the Iranian nuclear deal that he spent a year railing against. Good thing they have their talking points. Thanks, Obama!

The creator of a darkweb black market has been found dead of an apparent suicide in a Thai jail. Alexandre Cazes, 26, had been targeted by cops from around the world for ALLEGEDLY selling drugs on one of the largest darkweb marketplaces.

The Daily Mail has a copy of a new book that describes all the ways Trump is a potty-mouth a huge dick to Chris Christie and Paul Manafort. My favorite part was how everyone ignored Trump and started saluting Pence when the election was called, but the stuff about Chris Christie’s gross phone is good too.

Chris Christie thinks it’s “probably against the law” to use oppo from a foreign country, but he doesn’t want to jump to conclusions. Then again, with the weight of Christie’s poll numbers bearing down on him I can’t imagine Christie is jumping on anything.

The porn site for rich men trying to cheat on their spouse, Ashley Madison, is offering (at best) $3,500 to users whose lives were shattered after the company was hacked and its users were exposed back in 2015.

Megyn Kelly’s new show drew fewer eyeballs than reruns of “America’s Funniest Home Videos.” Again. Just let that sentence sink in for a moment.

People are screaming about this WSJ op-ed that hopes Trump’s new lawyer will convince President Pussgrab be more transparent, and it’s funny when you consider that an entire board of crusty old white man has to tell another crusty old white man how to clean up his act. [Archive]

Sinclair Broadcasting, the conservative media company gobbling up local news outlets, is defending itself from rumors of miserable working conditions brought by “biased” media coverage about the “poor quality” of its “must run” commentary by blowhards and former Trump spox.

Just a reminder, Wonkers: Don’t be like this mean RNC lady who wished John McCain would “just fucking die already.” We’re better than that. It’s mandatory.

And here’s your late night wrap-up! Stephen Colbert kicked off his Russia week; Seth Meyers took A Closer Look at Little Donnie’s emails; and The Daily Show wondered why Republicans hate zombie TrumpCare.

And here’s your morning Nice Time! Lemurs!

Help us help you! Give us Ameros and we’ll keep giving you all the newses!

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  • Nounverb911
    • Villago Delenda Est

      But I was having this great dream about brandy…

      • PubOption

        Was she a fine girl?

  • Nounverb911
  • Nounverb911
  • Nounverb911
  • memzilla Ω
    • Mystery_Poster

      I love Clay Bennett.

    • bupkus231

      Unfortunately, that’s likely to come true…

  • UnsaltedSinner
  • Nounverb911
  • Nounverb911
  • alwayspunkindrublic

    Saved by a Moran. You can’t make this shit up.

    • ariel_gee_398

      Well, since we were relying on a Republican to save us, that was sort of inevitable.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        “Today, we are all Morans.”

    • Robbertjan Brandenburg

      The Moran grew a brain.

      • Skeptical_thinker

        You misspelled “brian”.

  • Ricky Gay

    Poor little guy
    https//youtu.be/TfRieg1p81o

    • Gayer Than Thou

      I think we’ve all been there…

      • Ricky Gay

        Ya mean, Looking for a solemate?

        • Komsumverweigerer Ron

          Bite your tongue!

          • Ricky Gay

            His wound will heel, in time.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      That’s one hell of a Voight-Kampff test…

    • Major_Major_Major

      Meanwhile, Elaine Chao is just glad she dodged that bullet.

      • Ricky Gay

        Ha!

    • Mr. Blobfish

      Love, unrequited. I’ve had horseshoe crabs try that to my waders.

  • Nounverb911
    • Villago Delenda Est

      The snark is strong with this one

    • Opalescent Riddles

      I would like them to run with ‘hoosegow’.

    • elviouslyqueer

      What? Was “shitshow” too obvious?

  • Villago Delenda Est

    1. McConnell is a dope
    2. So is Mike Dense, also a idiot.
    3. Moran is a moran, but like a stopped clock…

  • Gayer Than Thou

    Well, but they call it America’s Funniest Home Videos for a reason. How is a serious journalist supposed to compete with that?

  • MynameisBlarney
  • Nounverb911
    • Komsumverweigerer Ron

      Nah, just cheating, Jesse. Just cheating.

  • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

    So people would rather watch the 4,536,231st iteration of “man gets hit in the junk with flying object” than Megyn Kelly.

    Way to go, NBC.

  • GreenGoldSharpie

    Haha, The Atlantic says $200 billion cuts to Medicare and SS.

    MAGA for my older relatives, eh? Jesus, they voted for this fuck.

  • Jgb979

    If only for the potential for future crime capers

    MINT THE TRILLION DOLLAR COIN

  • Robbertjan Brandenburg

    ALL HAIL KING JULIAN!

    • grindstone

      Don’t touch the feet.

  • Nounverb911
    • Robbertjan Brandenburg

      Isn’t that Jared?

    • Bill D. Burger

      Puttie’s opponent is going for the Trump Move…aka: Grabem’ By The Pussy.

  • Crystalclear12

    So. . . healthcare. . . it could have gone better?

    • Mystery_Poster

      Is he tired of winning yet?

    • GreenGoldSharpie

      Need more Russian collides in the legislature to pass some Trump bills that he can sign.

    • From Russia with Love

      Actually, no.

    • Les Appentis De la résistance

      Who knew it was so complicated?

  • Mystery_Poster

    What scares me is that Lee and Moran came out against it because it wasn’t mean enough.

    • BigCSouthside

      Hence why we have to ram through single payer when we are back in charge

    • MynameisBlarney

      “This doesn’t put nearly enough people in danger of imminent death! How could I possibly vote for something that weak!?!?!”

    • Jgb979

      Would not surprise me if they actually succeed in repealing the whole thing without a replacement.

      They’re probably confident that they’re base is stupid enough to blame Dems for the fallout.

      • Keith Taylor

        They are probably right at that.

      • From Russia with Love

        They’re probably confident that they’re base is stupid enough to blame Dems for the fallout.

        The president already has.

      • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

        Well, if Obama hadn’t passed it they wouldn’t have to repeal it, would they? Thanks Obama!

    • Les Appentis De la résistance

      A number of these ultra conservatives represent states that benefitted from the ACA. If they can stop it from being repealed, its a win-win for them. Health care has become like abortion – you can’t remove the issue because then they have nothing to bitch about.

    • Ω cynmac will never surrender

      Actually, that is Lee. Moran has stated that it was concern about losing Medicaid money and rural hospitals having to close. Moran actually also had town halls.

  • Komsumverweigerer Ron

    I’m getting the sense that the GOP is accelerating its Wreck America agenda because they know they’re toast in the mid-terms, and that Two Scoops isn’t even going to make it that far.

  • MynameisBlarney
    • Jgb979

      In a game of “fuck marry kill”

      I forefit

      • Gayer Than Thou

        Is suicide an option here?

      • The Wanderer

        Fuck Ryan, marry McConnell, kill myself.

      • Les Appentis De la résistance

        Ryan can fuck McConnell, gay marry Trump, and who cares what else.

    • Bill D. Burger
      • elviouslyqueer

        You misspelled “Douches,” darling.

      • Pretty sure Trump would be Curly or Larry. It’s the hair.

      • Robbertjan Brandenburg

        You beat me to it.

      • Kateaux

        Obligatory “Three Stooges Libulz!!!”

    • elviouslyqueer

      That picture just smells of mothballs, flopsweat, and desperation. Not necessarily in that order.

    • Komsumverweigerer Ron

      Dammit, I have painting to do this morning, and I can’t do it when my hands involuntarily curl into fists!

    • Robbertjan Brandenburg
      • Komsumverweigerer Ron

        Stooge libel!

      • Rags

        sorry,, this is so unfair to these hardworking, talented but badly exploited actors.

    • Keith Taylor

      Did you have to do that? Did you really have to do that? And did you, did any of you out there, ever set eyes on three more lamentable excuses for alleged human beings?

    • From Russia with Love

      This year’s most difficult Asshole of the Month Challenge?

  • coozledad
    • MynameisBlarney

      They let him fucking go FREE!?!?!

      What in the actual fu…..oh…yeah…white privilege…never mind.

      • From Russia with Love

        I do believe I’d let Denny have his way with me for $3.5 million.

  • Ωbjectifier

    McCain has been my senator for 30 fucking years. Already.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      You must be new to AZ. He’s been my senator for 135 years.

      • Major_Major_Major

        He let his fame from his war service carry him to office. He was a POW in Andersonville after what, 1st Bull Run?

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          It was Shiloh actually, but no need to quibble.

  • Hey lawyer types–why can’t sitting presidents be indicted?

    • From Russia with Love

      That’s what that impeachment thingie is all about. Impeached in the House for high crimes and misdemeanors, and tried it the Senate. And found not guilty.

    • Rags

      Too lazy to fact check, but I read yesterday that they can’t be indicted for Federal crimes, but state crimes are a different matter. Relevant to 4-5’s NYC monkey business. Apologies in advance to monkeys.

  • anon_the_great

    Americans: WE WANT HEALTHCARE
    House Rethugs: No healthcare for 24 million of you
    Americans: WE WANT HEALTHCARE
    Senate Rethugs: OK, no healthcare for anyone

    It has been said Democracy is the worst form of government except for all others. In the hands of Republicans I’m no longer sure the caveat applies.

    • ariel_gee_398

      In the hands of Republicans, I don’t think this counts as democracy.

      • From Russia with Love

        You’ve lost that lovin’ feeling, also too?

    • La forza del resistino

      Americans Will Always Do the Right Thing — After Exhausting All the Alternatives
      – Sir Winston

      • Komsumverweigerer Ron

        I hope he was right.

  • Scooby

    It seems awfully hard to repeal the worst law ever written that destroyed America and took all the freedoms and killed all the grandmas.

    • Ωbjectifier

      Turned me into a newt.

      • Kiri the Unicorn

        But you got better, right?

      • Scooby

        Hopefully not a Gingrich type!

        • From Russia with Love

          Never go full Newt.

      • grindstone

        But did you get better?

      • House0fTheBlueLights

        Gregor? Is that you?

        • PubOption

          Is he shopping at Samsa’s Club?

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    Scrolling through the Daily Mail article about the new Trump book, he REALLY sounds like Joey Pesci’s psychopath character in “Goodfellas”. “I’m funny? I amuse you?” etc.

  • Michael Smith
  • Joe Beese

    So what’s the deal with “democracy” anyway? Am I right, people?

    https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/887302632687251456

    • BigCSouthside

      The president of the United States will knowingly kill Americans and subvert US democracy just to score a win against a black guy who made fun of him

      • Nounverb911

        Yes!

      • You sound…surprised?

        • BigCSouthside

          I just wish more media types would say what I just said. That is exactly what’s going on. He knows nothing of what’s in his bill, will cheat to win, and this is 100% about obama. It has nothing to do with healthcare. It’s racism and vindictiveness from a failed old man with a dysfunctional brain and that’s it.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            I’m not good with links, but read the Leonard Pitts column from the Miami Herald from this past Sunday. He’s out of fucks to give and says exactly that, with the addition that Trumpsters knew exactly who they were voting for, and are pleased with the results.

          • BigCSouthside

            That was awesome

        • Komsumverweigerer Ron

          It’s so insane that one has to repeat it now and again, just to remember it’s real.

    • ariel_gee_398

      “I made you a beautiful shit sandwich, why do you refuse to eat it?”

    • Nounverb911
    • alwayspunkindrublic

      “My party controls all three branches of government, but I’m the real victim here.”

    • La forza del resistino

      To Donald, a parliamentarian is some wimpy Brit.

    • Komsumverweigerer Ron

      Thomas Jefferson: ‘Well, gentlemen, there we have it. It’s taken many years of discussion and argument and study, but I believe we have crafted a set of procedures that will allow our new government to operate efficiently and fairly, a system of checks and balances that will truly make all Americans equal, and prevent a future despot from aggregating too much power to himself.’

      Donnie: ‘I’M NOT GETTING WHAT I WANT! CHANGE THE RULES NOW!

      • WIDTAP

        Well, more like Woodrow Wilson in 1917, but yes, Thomas Hart Benton approves this message.

        • Komsumverweigerer Ron

          Ah, TYK. I had always assumed this was an OLD rule, not a relatively new one.

          • WIDTAP

            To be fair, there was no end of debate closure rule before then, so fie! on you Wilson for starting this trend (getting anything done be damned).

  • La forza del resistino

    The GOP is much more comfortable speaking to a homeless person about the advantages of buying an annuity rather than the ickiness of disease.

    • HooverVilles

      SAD!

  • Michael R

    Boycott Mnuchin Donuts !!!

  • Joe Beese
  • Nounverb911

    I love the smell of republican snowflakery in the morning.
    https://twitter.com/JesseInOH/status/887023841939161090

    • Ghenghis McCann

      Why does she have dyed sheep behind her picture? We demand answers!

      • Nockular cavity

        They’re Democratic and Republican sheeple, and she’s an all-American…lion?

        • Ghenghis McCann

          “Curse that autocorrect, I wanted pictures of a liar.”

    • Nockular cavity

      Obligatory: she seems nice.

    • Persistent Demme

      What an awful person.
      I hope this costs her, big time.

  • Joe Beese
  • Me not sure
  • House0fTheBlueLights

    And just like in all zombie stories, I’m terrified and don’t know how to protect myself. Don’t have a cricket bat.

  • calliecallie

    Wait, the Republicans don’t know how to raise the debt ceiling? I think you just vote yes, fellas. I think it’s that simple.

    • Komsumverweigerer Ron

      You forgot stage one: blame the Democrats.

      • Panika MCD

        what about the part where they ensure a few million poor people die in doing so.

    • SomeBigRedDog

      Yes but its no fun when they can’t take the entire functioning government hostage before they do it!

    • The Wanderer

      Trump did blather something last year about letting the country default, until someone told him that it would destroy the world’s economy.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        If he could make a few bucks by shorting it, he wouldn’t give a fuck.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        But how else can he appy his bidness smrts to running the country?

    • BigCSouthside

      As I recall it’s like one of the easiest things congress can do

    • Mr. Blobfish

      The problem is many of them don’t understand what a debt ceiling is.

  • William

    Poor Turtleman. The GOP controls both Houses, the White house as well as a majority in the supreme court and STILL can’t erase the legacy of the black man who had the audacity to be president. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/ab745b1a4f0a4b002e847cb4739e982ea55b8615f410cef4c6ee485554be8135.png

  • Joe Beese

    “Remarkably, when I interview families at camps who have just fled the fighting, the first thing they complain about is not the three horrific years they spent under ISIS, or the last months of no food or clean water, but the American airstrikes,” said Belkis Wille, Iraq researcher for Human Rights Watch. “Many told me that they survived such hardship, and almost made it out with the families, only to lose all their loved ones in a strike before they had time to flee.”

    http://www.thedailybeast.com/president-trumps-air-war-kills-12-civilians-per-day

    • Komsumverweigerer Ron

      ‘Hearts and minds.’
      Fuck…

    • Vagenda and Pee-ara

      You’re welcome!

  • Panika MCD

    on my way to the Pink Dome. a little apprehensive because special sessions always bring out the special crazies–especially given the foiled plot of that one dude to shoot up the place for his 50th birthday back in April (Stephen Boehle wasn’t apprehended until the day before he planned to unleash holy hell on us).

    we did get a message over night that the feds are going to reimburse us for our “border security” efforts that started in 2015–we’re getting $2M when we invested $811M in the last budget and there is another $788M in the next budget cycle. gee whiz! thanks, assholes!

  • Digby shows how people who dismiss Russian collusion as a “nothing burger” are sure willing to pile on the secret sauce

    http://digbysblog.blogspot.com/2017/07/all-those-nothingburgers.html

    • William

      Can we go back to talking about coal jobs? Wasn’t that nice when we talked about coal? Lets talk about coal again…..and the wall. Everyone loves the wall right? ….and…and crooked Hillary. Weren’t we all having a good time when we all chanted “crooked Hillary and Lock her up”? Lets all go back to the good times. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/81aa55647a2b5578d810118ffd09522aaa27022ef97c530cdad9c2bedf9b2616.jpg

      • Weird Fishes

        Jesus, what cow patty did they find those two under.

      • Glenn Greenwald is way ahead of you on the last part (read below for more details)

  • Joe Beese

    There are even bigger losers here than McConnell. The House Republicans now alone own their votes for a series of deeply unpopular bills. (Happy 2018, folks!) Senator Dean Heller, Republican of Nevada, futzed around long enough that, once Moran and Lee defected, he was the guy standing when the music stopped. His re-election just got a little tougher. Meanwhile, they’ve all got the staff of Camp Runamuck at the other end of Pennsylvania Avenue heckling them to pass some deeply unpopular bill so the president* can cock-a-doodle-doo a victory on the electric Twitter machine.

    http://www.esquire.com/news-politics/politics/news/a56385/senate-healthcare-defeat/

  • arglebargle
  • Nounverb911
    • HorseChestnut

      🎶One of these things is not like the others
      One of these things just doesn’t belong🎶

    • From Russia with Love

      Serious question. How many votes does it take to repeal a bill? It would seem that it can’t be done under reconciliation if there is no budget impact.

      • Doug Langley

        Well, darn. How can they possibly work a health care bill so it impacts the budget?

        • From Russia with Love

          It’s not a health care “bill.” It’s the repeal of one, and shouldn’t add anything to the budget.

          Maybe I’m FOS, dunno.

          • WIDTAP

            In the USA, we don’t repeal bills. We can repeal laws, but bills have no force until they are passed into law. You can stop a bill, but there is no such thing as repealing a bill.

            The repeal of a law takes the form of a bill which get’s passed into a new law. Since the original PPACA is a tax law (so sayeth the Supreme Court under Justice Roberts), and a lot of it’s important parts are about funding Medicaid, it is hard to argue that a bill to repeal PPACA is not a budget bill.

          • From Russia with Love

            Thanks, that’s a really good explanation. Unfortunately, it makes it easier on the Republicans. I’m hoping enough of them fear for their political lives…

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            The tax on the rich (the one and only thing the GOPtards actually care about) is part of the ACA, so the impact on the budged is pretty well baked-in.

      • WIDTAP

        How many votes does it take to stop a bill?

        Either 218 votes in the House or 51 votes in the Senate (assuming the VP would vote for the bill ).

        Under normal Senate rules, you could not bring the bill too a vote without 60 votes to “end debate”, however, you can get around that limit by either putting the bill in a form that it is a budget bill (under reconciliation rules), or you simply change the Senate rules to only require 50 (+1 VP) votes to end debate (“the nuclear option”). The rule change itself would only require 50 +1 votes.

        The Senate already did the rule change thing this year for Supreme Court nominees. There is talk now that McConnell would change the rules for healthcare bills as well, but he doesn’t have the 50 votes to do that rule change or the 50 votes for a healthcare bill.

        So bottom line: 218 votes in the House or 51 votes in the Senate.

    • chortlingdingo

      I like how Fox News is trying to make the Clintons seem like the Russian colluders. Think this is part of a desperate “both sides do it” claim?

      • SeeTrain65

        Nope, in their minds, only one side. Ours. Their guy is unimpeachable.

        Or so they think …

  • William

    Why are you people still beating this silly Russia horse to death? Don’t you know it’s day two of the “made in America” week. Focus people..FOCUS! https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/fbde2be91a13fd44dc0386aed338901d61be72f2e39c0957d942cd3ca5fb50f9.jpg

    • Skwerl the Taco Hunter
      • 🛶🗣️ Mr Canoehead 🛶🗣️

        American Maid always made me wanna spoon, IYKWIM

        • SeeTrain65

          “They call that ‘spooning.’ Women love to ‘spoon.’ Guys would rather ‘fork.'” – Greg Fitzsimmons

  • Doug Langley

    So I phoned the school and chatted with the H.R. lady. After convincing her I was serious about the job, she will have the boss give me a call. Step one has been completed. To be continued . . .

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Lotsa luck!

      • Doug Langley

        Thanks! Turns out the job description was accurate, no surprises. She also wanted a salary. I quoted the figure in the description and she said that was dead center of what they wanted. So far, so good.

        • Weird Fishes

          good luck!

    • SeeTrain65

      You go, girl! I mean, DOUG!

      Keep that attitude and you’re gonna get this.

      • Doug Langley

        Thanks!

  • laughingnome

    What a genius that Mitch McConnell is!

  • Nounverb911
  • La forza del resistino

    Mitch pushes ACA repeal only – minutes after liquidating his healthcare stock positions.

    • From Russia with Love

      No doubt in my mind.

  • Paul Dietzel

    Donald sitting in the fire twuck “You know what I’ve never understood? Why did they change the siren noise? When I was a kid, it was always ‘WAAAAAH WAAAAAH’ and now it’s ‘WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO’. Why’d they do that? I mean, did they do some research? Did they find out that WOO-WOO was a more effective siren than WAAAH?”

    “Hey, and what about those English sirens? ‘EEE YAAAH, EEE YAAAH, EEE YAAAH, EEE YAAAH’…”

  • MynameisBlarney

    And now these assholes are fucking whining that we’re harshly ridiculing them instead of consoling their stupid asses now that trumps incompetence, fraud are affecting them personally.

    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CusBWVpVMAADOqy.jpg

    • dslindc

      I maintain that stupidity should be ridiculed.

      • MynameisBlarney

        Aye. Harshly and often.

        • Blackest Noobs

          VERY harshly.VERY!

        • LesBontemps

          And then mocked mercilessly, for good measure.

          • MynameisBlarney

            Yeah! And then made fun of relentlessly1 !

      • Ω cynmac will never surrender

        Some stupidity can’t be helped but willful ignorance cannot be ignored. Should not be allowed to stand without mocking.

      • Persistent Demme

        In some ways, even worse than stupidity, are the highly educated members of my extended family, (one’s a doctor) that are greedhead Trump supporters.
        Their greed outweighs everything, because they think that Trump will protect their wealth, and to hell with everybody else. They just don’t care.
        I hope I never see them again.

    • Vagenda and Pee-ara

      Eighty percent of Republicans think Trump is doing a great job. Yeah, that’s how dumb these idiots are.

      • cmd resistor

        Seems like in the last couple of days I have seen MORE Trump bumperstickers, and one huge thing that took up half of someone’s back truck window.

        • MynameisBlarney

          I have seen a few more, but most are tourists.

          • cmd resistor

            These could be, I suppose, as I am in Florida. Then again, I work in a pretty republican county so it just could be bad luck where I have happened to drive or park.

        • Vagenda and Pee-ara

          I’ve been thinking of making a “Putin / Pence 2020” bumper sticker, and covering up the Trump / Pence bumper stickers on wingnut’s cars.

          • BearGHAZI

            That’s a wicked idea

    • Blackest Noobs

      well these honkeys are all about saying fuck our feelings…i say sure…but yours first because that’s what this all REALLY about….whitey’s feelings of incompetence, their feelings of insecurities, etc etc.

      so yep fuck their feelings….i say let the Repub do all the dumb stuff they want…these fucking assholes deserve it.

      • MynameisBlarney

        That particular strain of cracker is absolutely terrified that once they become the minority, they be treated as they are treating minorities now and in the past. They truly believe that losing their ability to oppress others is oppression.

        • TakingAmes

          Well, would you want to be treated the way these crackers have been treating minorities? I’d be terrified too. Of course, I would hope that the country’s new demographic majority would, you know, know better.

          • MynameisBlarney

            Of course not. But they’re doubling down on the hate instead of trying to yanno, not be assholes.

  • Les Appentis De la résistance

    Don’t spend all that $3500 in one place, Josh Duggar.

    • Courser_Resistance

      I had exactly the same thought when I read that!

  • Vagenda and Pee-ara

    I’d love to know which idiot thought everyone was dying to watch Megyn Kelly anywhere outside of Fox News. She’d probably do well as an Entertainment Tonight correspondent.

    • Courser_Resistance

      From what I’ve read, Andy Lack is a conservative who has been burdened with a very successful Progressive news network. He keeps trying to jam WingNuts into the schedule for more ‘Balance’. Lack-wit is more like it.

      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        Typical Republican – “something, somewhere is working, so I better meddle in it to make it far worse.”

        • 🛶🗣️ Mr Canoehead 🛶🗣️

          I call it the Potatoe Principle. Dan Quayle didn’t just misspell potato. He was at a spelling bee where a kid spelled potato correctly, and Quayle stepped in to tell him that, well actually, it was spelled “potatoe”.

  • thewalkindude
  • Blackest Noobs

    so now Trump is saying they ought to repeal the ACA and then come back to it in two years….uh what the fuck? You fucking assholes had 7 goddamn years to craft this perfect healthcare bill to the likings of hard-right and moderate conservatives.

    wasn’t Trump the dick that told all the rubes he would repeal the ACA and replace it something better….and i don’t recall him saying any shit about needing more time either….wasn’t this shit to done day one, hour one???

    • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

      Yes, day one. And we have defeated ISIS in only 30 days.

      I am sick of winning.

      • Blackest Noobs

        hilariously the the victories in Mosul is not due to fucking Trump….it’s all the ground work done by the black guy before him that made that success possible.

    • CafeenMan

      Not only that they claimed they already had a better bill. They’ve yet to produce it.

    • Rags

      If they do this they will need 60 votes in the Senate. Which is why 4-5 is bleating about Senate majorities today. Turtle McTurtleface would have changed the 60 vote rule (only requires a majority vote) weeks ago if he thought he could get a majority to do so; but he can’t. This is all R pissing in the wind.

  • Ryan Denniston

    Moran got a brain!

  • CafeenMan

    Pro tip – Pence can be both an idiot and a liar and not have read the bill.

  • Marceline

    “REXXON will close the State Department’s Office of Global Criminal Justice because the US no longer gives a damn about Not American leaders committing war crimes.”

    Honestly this country has no moral authority anymore so it’s probably for the best.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Why, yes, you do look like dopes.

    • Bub, Zombie in mourning

      A naked mole rat might wish to look like a chinchilla, but it ain’t gonna happen.

  • Jeffery Campbell

    I couldn’t even get through it. You can’t be drunk all day if you don’t start first thing in the morning. I’ll be over here in the corner with the cartoon X’s over my eyes.

  • Skwerl the Taco Hunter
    • Bub, Zombie in mourning

      There is something I find particularly offputting about Mr. Garrison’s rancid oeuvre. I can’t put my finger on it, but I get to feeling rather stabby when I see his shit.

      • MrTusks

        All the sound and fury signifying nothing? Who are the carbon tax slaves? Why is it a train and where it is going and who is supposed to be getting aboard? Does he appreciate the irony of picturing climate change lies as a giant cloud of black coal smoke?

        He’s fucking inscrutable. I’d be less mad if I at least knew what he was trying to say.

        • Bitter Scribe

          He’s basically a right-wing version of those old National Lampoon political cartoons that crammed in umpteen characters and symbols (Uncle Sam, the Russian bear, John Q. Public, Lady Liberty, the Bomb, etc.) to the point where they were utterly incoherent. The difference is, that was parody and this guy means it. (Apparently.)

      • Persistent Demme

        It’s a hateful and ignorant facebook post in cartoon form.

      • SeeTrain65

        And Ward Sutton does a masterful job parodying schmucks like him with his “Stan Kelly” cartoons in The Onion.

        http://www.newyorker.com/culture/sarah-larson/brilliantly-terrible-the-political-cartoons-of-the-onions-stan-kelly

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      What’s depressing is the thought that there are people so stupid that even this juvenile, incoherent crap amuses them.

  • Weird Fishes

    He likes fire trucks.

    He likes to think he’s heroically driving one but arriving just too late to save a burning building. He overcomes his disappointment by kicking everyone out, collecting all the insurance money, and building a “classier, a real palace, the world has never seen this before!” one to replace it.

    And that’s when his tiny orange hands swell to the size of tangerines.

  • LesBontemps

    Just a reminder, Wonkers: Don’t be like this mean RNC lady who wished John McCain would “just fucking die already.” We’re better than that. It’s mandatory.

    Also mandatory: “This is good news for John McCain.”

    • WIDTAP

      Here at Wonkette we always wish such a sudden revelation of moral clarity, followed by a long life of crippling regret.

      • BeachBum

        Westley: Wrong! Your ears you keep and I’ll tell you why. So that every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness will be yours to cherish. Every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman who cries out, “Dear God! What is that thing,” will echo in your perfect ears. That is what to the pain means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever.

  • Marceline

    That death wish for McCain was way more hardcore than just a tweet.

    “The article’s author made clear it was a literal call for McCain’s death, saying at one point, “If you’re waiting for the part where I say I’m just kidding and would never wish death on anybody, please allow me to make myself clear: I sincerely, genuinely hope that Arizona Senator John McCain’s heart stops beating, and that he is subsequently declared dead by qualified medical professionals very soon.”

    How’s that for the party of life?

    “http://www.cnn.com/2017/07/17/politics/diana-orrock-john-mccain/index.html

    • Courser_Resistance

      Holy shit, that’s horrible! Disgusting, actually.

    • Ω cynmac will never surrender

      Thanks for the link. That Orrock is walking it back is telling. Also, too – party of personal responsibility.

    • SDGeoff3

      Typical, I’d say.

    • VirginiaWackelpudding

      The party of pro life.

      • Ill-Advised

        Well, he’s not a fetus, so there’s that.

    • SeeTrain65

      “People are going to read things into things,” Orrock said of her sharing the article calling for the senator’s death.

      “I mean, how could anyone read anything sinister into that?”

      Life in the Comic Sans party …

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    So now that the xtian’s are in charge, we’re sure to be more influential in the world, right? It’s not like the US has become a laughing stock around the world, a moral quagmire that is pointed to more often as a bad example, and with a humiliating, squirrel chasing flat-head for a president. Yeah, “…shining city on a hill…”, not so much anymore.

    • Jack

      More of a stinking sewer in a swamp, now.

  • thewalkindude


    Tropical Storm Don approached the Windward Islands on Tuesday as it moved toward the eastern Caribbean after forming in the Atlantic Ocean.

    “This is going to be the best tropical storm-many people are saying it. You’re going to get tired of so much tropical storming-it’s going to be a very, very good storm.”

    • Ill-Advised

      Save this. If the storm makes landfall, you can license it! To say nothing of what will happen when there are no FEMA responders because the government’s not staffed…or funded.

  • SheltonTodd

    A senator by the name of Mitch
    Found that irony can be so rich
    If he passed his plan
    He might be The Man
    But the payback would be quite a bitch

  • BeachBum

    MAGA ! Unless you’re a homebuilder. Or in any industry dependent on homebuilding. Or wanna buy a home. Or live in a home. http://www.cnbc.com/2017/07/18/trumps-trade-policies-tank-homebuilder-confidence-in-july.html

  • Wow. That’s an amazingly terrible list of terrible news, and every bit of it inflicted by the GOP.

  • BeachBum

    WSJ not happy with Der Trlsseldip. Odd. Reveals that Roman Legions were Dems.
    Not too many people know that. http://thehill.com/homenews/administration/342460-wsj-editorial-trump-and-family-repeating-mistakes-that-doomed-clinton

  • SDGeoff3

    Don’t you love it that there is an actual Moran in the middle of this! Let’s hear about Representative Libety and Senator Tranny next.

    • cats530

      Yeah, but is he a Looser Moran?

      • SDGeoff3

        You know it!

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    “A years-long state investigation into Kris Kobach’s ethics has found nothing.”

  • rocktonsam

    Hey Mitch why do you keep hitting yourself in the face with Obamas dick? Hey Mitch why do you keep hitting yourself in the face with Obama’s dick?Hey Mitch why do you keep hitting yourself in the face with Obamas dick?

    • cats530

      It’s the only thing that puts a creepy smile on his face.

  • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

    dominic!

    sorry to do this, but in the Rexxon graf, i think you meant “our” not “out”

    “should get out hands”

    • SeeTrain65

      Also, the Sinclair Broadcasting link goes to the Bruce Rauner/Ben Tracy homophobic tweets story.

  • cats530

    “Jeff Sessions wants to steal all your shit if you’re arrested and says he will issue new directives on asset forfeiture.”

    That ought to make him real popular with the libertarians. lol.

  • Bitter Scribe

    Then again, with the weight of Christie’s poll numbers bearing down on him I can’t imagine Christie is jumping on anything.

    FTFY

  • Lefty Wright

    It seems like the main stream media still has lessons to learn. Hiring someone from Fox, even if they are labelled moderate, does not mean they will bring their viewers with them, or that main stream viewers will watch either. Many Democratic politicians learned the same thing in 2012 and 2014. Distancing yourself from Obama and the ACA, then twisting your views to the right will not get you any Republican votes and will lose some Democratic votes. Virtually every one who tried that lost.

    Just think where we would be now if the party members had stood up for the ACA and other Obama initiatives over the last three elections and got off their lazy butts and voted instead of waiting for their perfect, inspiring candidate. The same thing applies to elections as applies to armies. As Rumsfeld said, probably gleaned from elsewhere, you fight with the army you have, not the one you wish you had. In politics, you vote for the best candidate with a chance of winning, not the one you think was cheated out of the nomination. By almost 4 million votes.

    • HooverVilles

      ^^^^THIS^^^^

      People not voting is the biggest problem.
      1) ~90,000,000 People did not vote in the presidential election
      2) Trump won the electoral vote through ~ a mere 70,000 votes in 3 “swing” states.
      3) voter turn out in mid term elections is pathetic, think about effects on redistricting etc.

      The biggest part of the problem is purity pony non-voters and apathetic non-voters.

      People who did not vote own/built this!

  • SeeTrain65

    A House panel wants to make massive cuts to the Department of Transportation, rejecting a $200 billion spending bill to upgrade roads, rails, airports, ports, and public transit. Guess “MAGA” is more a metaphor.

    Make America Gravel Again!

    • Ill-Advised

      I first read that as Make American Grovel Again.

      • SeeTrain65

        Works either way.

        • HooverVilles

          Also Make America Grate Again.

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