Oh, Chuck Todd. You are precious. You make eleventy-million dollars a fortnight to sit around on Sunday mornings and tell everybody how Both Sides Do It on “Meet The Press.” You make extra dollars doing an unnecessary TV show called “Meet The Press Daily,” which is really pretty good when Katy Tur guest hosts it. You spent all of last year yelling “BUT HER EMAILS,” while those of us in the actual journalism community (the triumvirate is Mother Jones, Washington Post and the Wonkette Times obviously) were like “Russia? Trump? Trump Russia? Russia Trump? Stop on the Hillary emails investigation, it’s bullshit. Stop obsessing over the WikiLeaks John Podesta emails, it’s mostly risotto recipes. STOP IT. GODDAMMIT YOU ARE THE WORST, WHY ARE YOU EMPLOYED?”
You are Mark Halperin with face hair. For you everything is brand new, at all times. You are a goldfish. (With face hair.)
But now that Donald Trump is president you are like “OMG THERE IS A TRUMP-RUSSIA SCANDAL OMG BREAKING NEWS!” Golly what a weird story! And you’re mighty disturbed by how Trump treats the news media, as he calls your network and all other normal journalism outlets FAKE NEWS. It’s not nice, and it threatens to keep you from doing your finest work, which is opening your hairy-faced goldfish mouth and telling all your viewers about how Both Sides Do It.
And now, you are realizing something, and you’re frightened:
You will be unable to sleep tonight, Chuck Todd, gripped by a sudden fear that there’s a method to Donald Trump’s madness, that maybe he uses the media as a foil to keep his sibling-fucking base firmly ensconced in an Us vs. Them mindset, where Trump is good and smart and kind and truthful, and the dishonest fake news media is the enemy, and journalists should be berated repeatedly and confined in pens, perhaps at Trump rallies in 2015 and 2016.
Is this some sort of Trump strategy? You wonder. Perhaps you will recall that time in early November 2016, when Trump screamed at Katy Tur (talented frequent guest host of “Meet The Press Daily,” like for when Chuck Todd gets his neckbeard stuck in a revolving door and has to go to the Urgent Care, to get his face hair repaired) that “We have massive crowds! There’s something happening! They’re not reporting it! KATY, YOU’RE NOT REPORTING IT, KATY! BUT THERE’S SOMETHING HAPPENING, KATY. THERE’S SOMETHING HAPPENING, KATY!” And the crowd booed and booed, because that asshole fake news lady wasn’t reporting that there was something happening, Katy.
This question will keep you up most of the night tonight, Chuck Todd, and many nights after that, as you try to wrap your head around this thing everyone else figured out two years ago.
When you finally fall asleep, you will probably poop the bed.
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