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Morning Wonketariat! First up, Becca says to tell you thanks for sending all the Ameros and meeting this month’s bounty a few days early. She says you are “good” or some shit. Now here’s some of the things we may be talking about today.

Paul Manafort says he got $17 million over two years while working for Ukraine’s pro-Putin regime run by Viktor Yanukovych in a new retroactive admission that he was, in fact, working for a foreign government. It’s an honest mistake; when you try to launder your blood money, sometimes a few bucks go missing.

TrumpCare has been delayed to after the July 4th Recess after more and more Republicans began to run away, and now Mitch McConnell is just standing there holding his dick while pissing in the wind.

Mitch McConnell doesn’t give one frosty fuck about Trump, his tweets, or the pee hookers. As long as Mitch gets his big, fat tax cuts and trashes Uncle Sam’s rule book he could care less if any you filthy casuals die.

Jason Chaffetz doesn’t want to sleep with Republicans anymore so he’s asking people to give him an extra $2,500 a month so he doesn’t have to sleep in some shitty basement apartment in Georgetown like the rest of the proles.

The EPA and the Army Corps of Engineers are pulling the Waters of the United States rules because they seem to think that the definition of “water body” is too broad, making it impossible to build McMansions and graze cattle on soil that’s fertile just because of the dumb Clean Water Act.

Rick Perry put on his smart glasses to say some thoughts on energy, and they are good thoughts, except for the ones that are bad, but we need those thoughts, unless they are bad thoughts. Indeed.

The people Trump wants to reward with ambassadorships aren’t going anywhere, and Not America is getting pissed at the incompetence, infighting and ignorance from Trump’s White House.

A new Politico/Morning Consult poll says that Democrats aren’t shitting all over Nancy Pelosi, just remember be civil when you all start arguing, otherwise I’ll go get the hose!

A GOP SuperPAC is trying to tie every Democrat to Nancy Pelosi in 2018 because clearly she’s the devil and using her evil uterus of doom to suffocate all of middle ‘Merica.

New York Republican Rep. Chris Collins has lost $17 million in bio tech stocks, which is bad for multiple sclerosis patients, but great for people who think sketchy politicians who violate their responsibility as civil servants deserve to be taken down a peg or two.

Thirty employees suddenly quit a fancy Baltimore restaurant after an ICE agent delivered a letter demanding the papers of all employees for two years, even though all the employees are reportedly legal citizens. There’s no joke here, this Gestapo bullshit is wrong.

A new nasty strain of ransomware is floating around the web that utilizes the same compromised NSA software as WannaCry, but this one looks like it may come from Ukraine (which means it’s probably Russian), not North Korea.

CONGRATULATIONS, CHINA! You’re back on the State Department’s list of worst human trafficking offenders, and you’ve graduated to the illustrious “Tier 3,” with states like Syria, Iran, Russia and North Korea. It’s a dirty job, but you did it!

The Pentagon is saying it’s noticed “active preparations” by the Syrian military to engage in another chemical weapons attack but, of course, Russians are denying it, saying that those chemical weapons could literally belong to anyone.

On the last day of the Montana special election campaign, after Greg Gianforte had already beaten up a reporter, the VP of Sinclair Broadcasting Group, the conservative media company gobbling up small town news outlets, personally gave a $1,000 to Greg Gianforte, and did it again after Ginforte won. Neat.

Prince Jared has another new lawyer, Abbe Lowell, the same guy who rep’d Jack Abramoff, John Edwards, and Rep. Bob Menendez.

Deputy White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders hates how all of us fake LIBERAL news media East Coast elites can lie all the time, and thinks you, the American people, should listen to stories from James O’Keefe and Sean Hannity, “whether it’s accurate or not,” but then she got chastised by the press for being a hypocrite. :(

Sarah Palin is suing the New York Times for defamation after it printed an editorial linking her rhetoric to the shooting of Gabby Giffords in 2011. This, you may remember, stems from Palin posting a map with crosshairs on 20 congressional districts, tweeting, “bullseye,” and giving speeches with the catch phrase, “Don’t retreat, reload.”

The Chicago Cubs are dragging their big, fancy beer mug to the White House (again) for a private meeting with Trump, and it’s not much of a surprise considering how much money the Ricketts family, the undisputed rulers of all things Wrigley, dumped on Trump last year. WHERE ARE YOUR GODS NOW, CHICAGO?

SOMEONE hung a fake issue of Time magazine in several of Trump trash palaces, which is funny because the 14 issues that do have Trump on the cover don’t seem to be anywhere.

Barack Obama is having so much fun on his perpetual vacay and Donald Trump is determined to drag him away from Kenyawaii beach back to Washington so he can be blamed for all the things!

And here’s your morning Nice Time! BABY COLOBUS MONKEY!

HEY! We need your help…in the form of Ameros! Click the thingy and donate!

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  • Nounverb911
    • OneYieldRegular

      “That’ll be $7. Did you want to add a drop of free-range Point Reyes dairy cattle cream for an extra $2?”

      • Gayer Than Thou

        There is a coffee place just like this near my house. What the video doesn’t depict is the 20 minutes it takes to get that tiny cup of coffee. That costs $7.

    • From Russia with Love

      It’ll still cost you €13.50 in Paris.

  • Nounverb911
  • Nounverb911
    • Gayer Than Thou

      #NewStripperName

      • NastyBossetti

        But spelled with a y: Trystful.

        • Gayer Than Thou

          A Trystful of Dollars will be the name of my autobiography.

          • NastyBossetti

            I will definitely put that on pre-order.

        • From Russia with Love

          OK, that’s really funny!

  • Nounverb911
    • Gayer Than Thou

      Turtles: surviving for millennia, despite a significant design flaw.

    • From Russia with Love

      Pardon me homes, can you help a brother out?

    • FauxAntocles

      Let this be an example for us all.

    • arglebargle
  • Before you ask THERE’S NO LATE NIGHT WRAP UP because I said so! Also, I have new running shoes, and they are amazing, and white, and already have blood stains in less than 24 hours of ownership.
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/789a20b6e9063a61f65e0a74b6d89cb71281b519871837dce40e83281c8fc472.gif

    • Nounverb911

      Okay, no problem.

    • PubOption

      OT, but is Paris Hilton still a thing?

      • MynameisBlarney

        Very much still a “thing”. Just not on the teevee anymore.

      • Lori

        The last I heard she thought she was a DJ. It beggars the imagination,.

    • armed_bears

      I’m pretty sure blood stains mean “you’r doing it wrong”, whatever “it” is.

      • Or nearly right, because evidence is bad

      • coozledad

        Put the damn shoes on BEFORE you run.

      • arglebargle

        Beating Dampnut about the head and shoulders?

    • MizzMazz

      Whose blood?

    • Pre-Truth Ron

      Do we want to know whose blood?

  • msanthropesmr

    You know, If you take the first letter of the first word in each of the above paragraphs, it spells out the first three lines of “Inna gadda davida”

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      FAKE NEWS!…

    • Painter of Goats

      And if you read them backwards they say “Paul is dead”.

    • Gayer Than Thou

      Huh. Mine says “Drink your Ovaltine.”

  • Nounverb911

    One of your drunken dog killing sons maybe?
    https://twitter.com/GovMikeHuckabee/status/880031670266716160

    • Antonin Dvorak

      Huh, you would have thought God would have saved them.

      • Painter of Goats

        I like to think it was an Act of God. He didn’t want to be associated with the assholes who would mix religion and politics.

        • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

          Didn’t he call them Pharisees or something? With all that, look at me publicly praying stuff.

      • Robbertjan Brandenburg

        Or it was god thinking: “Well since you don’t live up to them I might as well wreck them.”

        • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

          My thoughts exactly.

    • From Russia with Love

      Too fucking bad.

      How’s that statue of the Quran they erected holding up?

    • therblig

      he says it like it’s not arkansas’ main pastime.

      • From Russia with Love

        Well, the first four are throwaways from a self-adulating god. Honor your parents even if they are assholes… I don’t think so. Not murdering is a good idea, but I’ll fuck whoever I please, thank you. Not lying is a good idea, particularly if the FBI already has your number. Finally, I’ll covet any car made in Stuttgart, so fuck off.

    • Resistance Fighter Astraea

      How do you know it wasn’t Moses? Were you there?

    • coozledad

      Thou shalt not beget a daughter of lies, a son of animal cruelty, or a murderer of jokes.

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      Mike, I’m sure you’ve broken quite a few commandments in your life.

      • From Russia with Love

        Now now, “Thou shalt not bugger they young boys in the choir” is not one of the ten.

    • Indivisible Snark Tank

      When the orange shitgibbon that you support is a walking personification of the Seven Deadly Sins, you shouldn’t be surprised that God sent someone to remind you about His laws.

    • arglebargle
    • Phoenixdoglover

      Dinsdale!

    • cmd resistor

      They will probably try for a the death penalty.

    • Pre-Truth Ron

      ‘Thou shalt have no other gods before me. And that includes that unholy fuck Donald Trump, you assholes.’

  • Gayer Than Thou

    Weird the way Chris Collins lost exactly the same amount of money that Manafort was paid. I am sure the two are related.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Who among us doesn’t misplace $17 million now and then?

      • Gayer Than Thou

        Well, I certainly can’t find mine.

      • Dudleydidwrong

        I found my misplaced $17 million in between the sofa cushions. Has Manafort looked there?

        • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

          Boy my face is red. Found my $17 million in the pocket of my pants after doing the laundry. HA HA HA.

        • Notreelyhelping

          Maybe it’s behind the refrigerator. Like Jesus.

      • From Russia with Love

        $17 million here, $17 million there, pretty soon we’re talking real money.

    • Ryan Denniston

      It would be irresponsible not to speculate!

    • Occupied Territory of Kavefish

      OVERHEARD CONVO – C. Collins, P. Manafort:

      “Hey! You got your Cronyism in my Capitalism!”

      “Well, you got your Capitalism in my Cronyism!!”

      • Gayer Than Thou

        🎶 Two great grifts that grift great together! 🎶

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Could it be that Mitch McConell really isn’t a skilled tactician after all?

  • Gayer Than Thou

    I don’t like monkeys. I never have.

    • From Russia with Love

      To think some libtards actually think that we share a common ancestor with those foul beasts!

      • chortlingdingo

        Ah, you gave yourself away. A true anti-evolution talking point is not “common ancestor,” but “descended from.” As if humans came from a bonobo monkey, or something.

        • Indivisible Snark Tank

          Or in Lord Dampnut’s case, a orangutan.

          • MizzMazz

            Hey now, orangutans display intelligence and empathy.

        • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

          We’d be way more fun if that were the case.

    • Angry Red Bird DGAF

      They’ll poke you in your eyes.

      • Celtic_Gnome

        So, they’re related to BB guns?

    • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

      Chimpanzees are violent, Bonobos, too busy with sexing one another, to bother anyone.

  • ZangoCrudmonger

    ““Countries get miffed when they do not have an ambassador because they believe they’re seen as not important and that Washington does not respect them,”
    Oh dear, come join those of us who live here and talk about no respect from the cons. I’ve a box a Franzia, we can gossip and lament together about this fuckery.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      So far, Trump has nominated 20 ambassadors, with six confirmed, including the ambassador to the United Nations, according to the American Foreign Service Association.

      Remember how Trump broke with tradition and recalled ambassadors right away, making it difficult for many of them to let their children complete their current school terms? He was in just such a hurry to get “his” people in. Dick.

    • Three Finger Salute

      Did he appoint Canada’s yet? I thought he was going to send Godiva Palin riding on a moose to Ottawa and start another war.

      “Bon Jovi! How ya doin’ thar, Mon-sewer Justin Timberlake? Boo-koo a-moor and all that fancy French fuddle-duddlin’, eh?”

  • From Russia with Love

    “SOMEONE hung a fake issue of Time magazine in several of Trump trash palaces, which is funny because the 14 issues that do have Trump on the cover don’t seem to be anywhere.”

    Well, that one of him licking Ivanka’s armpit was kinda gross.

  • Gayer Than Thou

    Where is that useful infographic about how to get rich on minimum wage? Can someone forward it to Chaffetz?

    • Indivisible Snark Tank
    • cmd resistor

      Isn’t he supposed to be leaving? Maybe he plans to open an apartment complex for congresspeople, where he will charge $2500/month.

  • Oh Kentucky, you’ve given us so much. Take the tortoise and the hair, for example.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/f996dcef7ef42f1c3e83697226886bb328e057b4fa01faf0d0db0182575b175e.jpg

    MAGA!

      • Love that John Prine. He’s a hell of a songwriter.

        There’s a hole in daddy’s arm where all the money goes Jesus Christ died for nothing i suppose

        COME ON NOW!

        • Oblios_Cap

          Sam Stone was one the first songs I learned to play on the guitar. And I still love playing it.

          • It’s not a great party tune, but it’s a hell of a song.
            Now, Angel from Montgomery…

          • Oblios_Cap

            Illegal Smile libel!

          • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

            Flag decal.

        • From Russia with Love

          Saw him in Austin once in the early 70s. Just him, his guitar, a mic and a bottle of whiskey.

          • I saw him somewhere, he was great, I just can’t remember where. Maybe it was at McCabe’s in Santa Monica.

          • From Russia with Love

            Your memory is like mine. Perhaps Mr Peabody’s coal train has hauled them away?

          • Darn that mean old Mr. Peabody!

          • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

            Saw him in Sarasota at the Weasel. He was still going strong in the late 1990’s.

      • coozledad

        I never realized “Beautiful Dreamer” was one of those mournful southern cartes de vistes until I heard Prine sing it.

        It could be the anthem for the AHCA.

  • ariel_gee_398

    This video of a dog fetching his own dinner from the pet store has brought me so much joy this morning: http://www.reuters.com/video/2017/06/22/pro-active-pooch-fetches-own-food?videoId=371944409

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      WHO’SAGOODDOGGIE?!? Jr.’s dog Shadow fetches his leash when he’s ready for a walk…or a pull, in his case.

      • NastyBossetti

        How very civilized. Mine just puts his maw a few inches from my face and barks. And he has a loud, mean bark. If I didn’t know him, he would scare the shit out of me.

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          Yeah, Molly-who is in every other way better behaved than Shadow-grabs a toy out of her basket and runs around me squeaking it until I submit and get the leash.

    • Mary Theresa

      ): I can’t get it to play.

    • From Russia with Love

      How cute! I’m starving, but I still gotta piss like a race horse.

  • Nounverb911

    You weren’t successful at this either were you?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W-A09a_gHJc

    • Mr. Blobfish

      The occasional pit stop. *snicker*

    • P’jama Pahnts

      My goodness. He looked so young back then.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    Geez $arah…I know it’s tough when you can’t pay your meth dealer, but this ain’t gonna help.

    • Nounverb911

      Bristol won’t give her credit?

      • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

        Is she pregnant again yet? Bristol that is.

    • Mr. Blobfish

      Good to see she’s getting sound legal advice.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        I mean, if she needs money, why doesn’t she just start her own pay tv channel or something? Oh…wait…

    • PubOption

      Also, too, she has the hospital bills for putting Todd back together.

      • Gayer Than Thou

        I mean, it’s like a car that’s been in an accident – maybe you just don’t bother to repair it.

        • Pre-Truth Ron

          Especially when it was a lemon to begin with.

    • Gayer Than Thou

      I hope she loses this lawsuit in a spectacular public way.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        I suspect it will be laughed out of court very quickly, never to be mentioned again.

        • From Russia with Love

          She’ll have to prove that the article has done her grievous harm, something even worse than her meth habit.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            “People used to think I was smart and good-looking before this!”

      • P’jama Pahnts

        By losing she could end up proving that conservatives are inciting violence. Sweet!

      • bupkus231

        And gets socked with covering the Times’ legal costs, too!

    • Oblios_Cap

      I think the truth is an adequate defense for the Times.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        If I recall, $arah tried to claim those crosshair symbols were surveyor’s marks or some wack shit.

  • Oblios_Cap

    It’s an honest mistake; when you try to launder your blood money, sometimes a few bucks go missing.

    I read the amount that went missing was about $19M on top of what he got paid. I’m surprised that he’s still amongst the living.

  • Mary Theresa

    “evil uterus of doom” FTW!

  • Bill D. Burger

    Don’t forget, 🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢s are slow, but they’ll bite off your fucking finger when you think they’re not a threat. Never trust a reptile. Make soup out of this one.

    https://a.dilcdn.com/bl/wp-content/uploads/sites/25/2014/07/Shy-Guys-Toby-1.gif

  • Oblios_Cap

    Russians are denying it, saying that those chemical weapons could literally belong to anyone.

    That darned 400 pound guy in his mother’s basement again.

    • That son of a bitch!

    • Three Finger Salute

      TIL Chris Crispy is a black hat.

  • Nounverb911
    • Bill D. Burger
      • BMW

        Holy shit.

        • lowenufc

          No Kidding- he lost weight. Good for him.

          • Bill D. Burger

            Makes his tiny hands look bigger, huh?
            ~snort!~

      • Dudleydidwrong

        How long did it take him to find his ass with those small hands? I’ll bet he wasn’t in a dark room.

      • Gayer Than Thou

        Speaking of turtles retreating into their shells, that image has certainly freed up the time I would have spent looking for college wrestler porn doing internet research today.

        • dlemex

          While I agree that my time will be idle as well, I would respectful recommend watching Turkish Wrestling videos (from back when that country was more sane). It is truly magnificent and won’t count against your porn time budget… only your sports time budget.

          • Gayer Than Thou

            The Turkish wrestling scene in Topkapi makes an already fabulous movie into an amazing movie.

      • Pre-Truth Ron

        Fake picture! No way does his spray tan go that far up his arms!

  • Mary Theresa

    I have some advise from Chaffetz to Chaffetz.

    “And so maybe rather than getting that new iPhone that they just love and they want to go spend hundreds of dollars on that, maybe they should invest in their own health care living arrangements.”

    • Me not sure

      He’s livin’ the Jheri Curl soaked dream of having it all.

  • Ryan Denniston

    “A new Politico/Morning Consult poll says that Democrats aren’t shitting all over Nancy Pelosi, just remember be civil when you all start arguing, otherwise I’ll go get the hose!”

    Here’s my question. Does anyone really think that the GOP won’t try to slime anyone else who assumes leadership as an out of touch liberal? Take Tim Ryan (not picking on him, but he ran last time). If he became leader, is the GOP going to treat him and his party any differently? Oh and also too, is the middle of the fucking repeal effort the time to have this conversation?

    • msanthropesmr

      Well, they probably won’t call him a bitch, but apart from that, no.

      • AnnieGetYerFun

        They WILL mock his appearance, but probably without the emphasis on Botox.

    • Elvis Causticfellow

      I fear that they’re more effective in their sliming because she’s a powerful woman. That doesn’t mean I advocate backsliding though, it’s just a thing to be aware of and try to counteract. And your last question is on point.

      • AnnieGetYerFun

        They ARE effective. And the Dems should be pushing back.

    • Marceline

      “Does anyone really think that the GOP won’t try to slime anyone else who assumes leadership as an out of touch liberal?”

      Yes. There are people who truly seem to think that if we just replace Pelosi the GOP won’t have anyone to demonize in ads.

      • miss_grundy

        Those people are either naive or stupid. And my money is on stupid.

  • Gayer Than Thou

    Oh, and the reporter who chastised Sarah Jane Huckabee Colonel Sanders? Apparently from Playboy magazine. So that complicates the narrative.

    • Me not sure

      She reportedly stomped off in a heff.

      • From Russia with Love

        That staple in her navel was acting up.

        • Me not sure

          The would be a very hefty staple, after all.

      • arglebargle

        That’s nudes to me.

      • Pre-Truth Ron

        I knew someone would mansion that.

      • AnnieGetYerFun

        You guys think you’re so bunny.

        • Three Finger Salute

          Grabbit by the cottontail?

    • BMW

      Fake news boobs!

      • Oblios_Cap

        YAY TITS!

    • Bill D. Burger

      His LinkedIn profile says that for the last 13 years he’s served as the executive editor of The Sentinel Newspapers, two newspapers in the Washington, DC suburbs that have a staff of 35 and 10,000 subscribers and is a contributor to Playboy and a number of other publications.

    • Stulexington

      So that’s why it starts “I never thought this would happen to me.”

      • Three Finger Salute

        That’s Penthouse. Playboy is the one with the old naked guy in the bathrobe. Or maybe that’s Time MAGA-zine…

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Holy Crap! Knicks fire Phil Jackson. This is why rooting for disfunctional teams is more interesting than rooting for winners.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Phil’s been acting a bit daft lately.

      • Mr. Blobfish

        He’s the Mitch McConnell of basketball.

      • beatbort

        Lately?!

    • As someone who went to their first Warrior game at The Cow Palace back in the paleozoic, I can assure you that without any lows, there can be no highs.

    • msanthropesmr

      That’s the one with the tall people and the big orange ball, right?

      • Oblios_Cap

        I thought the Knicks were some kinda funky pantaloons…

        • AnnieGetYerFun

          I recently found an ancestor with the name Knickerbocker and I giggled for a long, long time. It’s just fun to say.

    • ken_kukec

      Guy with a crap record like that, why’d they ever hire him in the first place?

  • beingreleased

    I bet Trump was really upset over this announcement:
    Kim Jong-Un Named The Onion’s Sexiest Man Alive For 2012 [UPDATE]

    Note the actually not fake-news update:

    UPDATE: For more coverage on The Onion’s Sexiest Man Alive 2012, Kim Jong-Un, please visit our friends at the People’s Daily in China, a proud Communist subsidiary of The Onion, Inc. Exemplary reportage, comrades.

    • From Russia with Love

      How much space junk do we have in orbit there? Quite a bit, I’d guess. When it finally de-orbits, there’s no atmosphere to burn it up, so eventually somebody/robotic is going to find it. I just saw a story about one of the space probes spotting something we put on the ground (don’t remember if it was Mars or not).

      • There’s also some European Mars junk up there; I imagine that this could be one of those. Maybe this is a product of North Korea’s new best space program.

    • Ωbjectifier
  • Crystalclear12

    What’s Washington DC without a witch to burn?

  • ken_kukec

    Manafort … Manafort … wasn’t he a campaign volunteer? Stuffed envelopes and handed out yard signs in the South Bend field office or some such? Disappeared after a few days, and nobody’s heard a word of him since.

    • From Russia with Love

      Be a shame if any of them disappeared…

      • beatbort

        Man (afort) overboard!

  • Nounverb911
    • Joe Beese

      Love the cartooning there.

    • Three Finger Salute

      He puts the dick in dictator.

  • coozledad

    Every thing the Republicans do is about trying to bring Plessy vs. Ferguson back from the dead. They don’t give a fuck if a little white trash gets spun up in the wheels.
    https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2017/06/the-fight-for-health-care-is-really-all-about-civil-rights/531855/

    Poor whites really ought to look into how the Civil War impacted them, and then take a look at Mitch McConnell giving blowjobs in front of Jeff Davis’ flag.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Civil War: Rich Man’s War, Poor Man’s Fight

      AHCA: Rich Man’s Tax Cut, Poor Man’s Funeral

    • Me not sure

      Speaking of blowjobs, do you think Mitch has enough money to even come close to being able to entice the woman who plays his wife on teevee into coming across with one even once?

      • coozledad

        I think she just ties his ass up and hits him with a bottle.

        • Me not sure

          Champagne, anyone?

        • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

          I would hope so.

      • therblig

        how could she resist that o-face at the top of this article?

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Dred Scott takes some exception to that.

  • beatbort

    “The Grifting Queen,” for Sarah Palin, and her total fail of a lawsuit against the Times (with apologies to Abba)

    You can dance
    You can jive
    Eyeing the grift of your life
    See that girl
    Count the green
    Dig in, you grifting queen

  • Evil Uterus of Doom is the name of my pre-ska band.

    • I’m particularly fond of “The Filthy Casuals”.

  • A Groucho Marxist

    Sure, Manafort may have committed some light treason, but his health insurance is outstanding so we should probably let that be a lesson to all of the takers.

  • Nounverb911
    • miss_grundy

      Well, either choice is shit.

  • Ryan Denniston

    “SOMEONE hung a fake issue of Time magazine in several of Trump trash palaces, which is funny because the 14 issues that do have Trump on the cover don’t seem to be anywhere”

    Doesn’t this just perfectly encapsulate Trump? I mean here’s a guy who I suppose actually has been on the cover of Time. Most would regard that as an honor. Doesn’t have to be the most often of anyone in history, it’s still an honor. And when they go to frame a copy, not only do they not pick one of the numerous real covers, they make one out of whole cloth, as if the objective is not for you to acknowledge his greatness, but wholly cave to fake news to show your inferiority.

    • cmd resistor

      Maybe none of the other ones got his hair in a flattering enough light.

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      He has been on the cover 11 times. Sadly.

  • Bill D. Burger

    New cover for Trump’s walls.

    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CzGTr06XUAAViCr.jpg

  • Michael R
    • A Groucho Marxist

      I could ignore his looks and gross dad bod if it wasn’t for his horrifying and grotesque personality.

    • Claire

      Not America is just rubbing it in at this point.

    • Angry Red Bird DGAF

      Macron scares me a little. Trudeau is still adorbs.

      • Claire

        I love Macron but he really has come out of the starting gate like he was shot out of a cannon. Like maybe slow your taking-over-the-world roll a little, there, dude.

        • Three Finger Salute

          He can’t afford to waste any time. France is in disarray and they tend to get impatient rather quickly. He doesn’t want to have Melenchon paraphrasing Trudeau with, “Because it’s 1789.”

    • From Russia with Love

      This is unfair. Of course a couple of Frenchies look better from the front than Makemy Ass Great Again does from the rear.

  • P’jama Pahnts

    I did NOT click the “Mitch holding his dick” link above. Fool me once, Wonkette…

  • Latverian Diplomat

    “It’s not a retreat it’s a strategic with drawl.”
    — Mitch McConnell, his accent gets thicker when frustrated

  • Les Appentis De la résistance

    Manafort earned every penny. Its not a crime to be a successful businessman. Next up – The Clinton Foundation’s fraud and abuse when supplying vaccines to thirld world countries.
    — FOX News

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Why can’t the Clintons just steal from a children’s cancer charity like any decent Republican philanthropic foundation?

    • miss_grundy

      Faux News chose not to write about TrumpCare not coming up for a vote yesterday. Instead, they decided to publish an article about the Obamas’ expensive vacation. Hint Faux News, Bamz isn’t president anymore and he can spend his money any way he wants to.

  • Claire
    • eka

      finally something over which we can unify?

      • Claire

        He’s a uniter, not a divider.

        • From Russia with Love

          I’m a compass, not a divider.

          • Claire

            I aspire to be an astrolabe.

          • From Russia with Love

            Sounds a little kinky, but I’m all sextant.

    • Indivisible Snark Tank

      Is it because he’s colored (orange)?

      • Three Finger Salute

        Actually no. It’s because he didn’t throw Jared in an oven with the other Subway sandwiches.

    • Pre-Truth Ron

      They know he’s not a True Believer: they’re very much aware that he’s just in it for himself.

      • Angry Red Bird DGAF

        I get what you’re saying but let’s be honest here. What white nationalist /supremacist isn’t involved in the movement for themselves? The whole basis for their philosophy is narcissistic.

        • Lori

          Their philosophy is narcissistic, but most of them don’t know that. They all think they’re bravely saving the white race, and with it civilization. Self-awareness is not a big thing with them. Obvious grifters in their midst make it more difficult for them to maintain the illusion, so they no likey.

      • Claire

        You’d think they’d at least appreciate that Mr. Taco Bowls is racist af. Apparently the negatives of “incompetent racist grifter” outweigh the positives for them.

    • Three Finger Salute

      This is actually scary. It means that next time around we’ll get a real Hitler instead of just an incompetent, fat, self-serving lout.

  • Oblios_Cap

    CONGRATULATIONS, CHINA! You’re back on the State Department’s list of worst human trafficking offenders,

    They’re even worse than Haiti, which is merely on the Tier 2 Watch list. (I’ve been researching Haiti lately. God, have the Europeans and Americans managed to make a bad situation worse.)

  • Angela Ruzzo

    I am trying to imagine what it feels like to lose $17 million in one day, and it requires a level of empathy which I do not possess.

    • Ryan Denniston

      Imagine. How would you feel if someone at work stole your lunch out of the fridge? That’s way worse than losing $17 million for someone who is corrupt as fuck.

      • Angela Ruzzo

        I’m afraid that comparison won’t work for me because 1) people are always stealing things out of fridges at work from what I hear, so I would expect it and 2) I don’t eat lunch, so I never took lunch to work and put it in the fridge. I did lose a $120,000 house in Hurricane Katrina, but I don’t think this guy was homeless and destitute and unemployed after losing his $17 million, which is why I say I fail to achieve the proper level of empathy.

    • Me not sure

      It feels like WINNING!

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    The Cubbies were at the WH yesterday? That explains why they looked so inept last night. That shit is contagious…

    • Augustus

      That and Max is an unstoppable flame-throwing machine.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        Montero got DFA’d today after mouthing off publicly about the fact that the Nats ran wild on him. It was ugly last night…

  • Michael R
    • Left Coast Tom

      …only it took Shrub a lot longer to get there than L’il Donnie.

      • From Russia with Love

        Donny’s best days are still to come!

        • AnnieGetYerFun

          Can you have negative approval ratings?

      • miss_grundy

        Well, it doesn’t help that in his first trip to Europe, he decides to act like the bagman for NATO and like a schoolyard bully and shove people out of the way for a photo opp. It is a shame that the prime minister of Montenegro chose to be a gentleman. It would have been so cool if he would have given the Tangerine Toddler a good shove back. Sometimes, good manners are an encumbrance when dealing with assholes.

    • ariel_gee_398

      And Bush only achieved that by starting a quagmire that killed thousands.

      • Me not sure

        Waaaaaiiiit for it.

        • ariel_gee_398

          That’s what I’m afraid of…

    • Three Finger Salute

      The hicks think of this as a good thing. It means the “Eurotrash” countries hate us for our freedoms.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    Is it too late to just cut the fiber optic cables to Russia? Hooking them up to the Internet seems to have been a mistake…

  • Finnabar87

    It gets the hose again.

  • TundraGrifter

    So President Trump has warned Republican Senators if they don’t support the repeal of the Affordable Care Act it will go on their permanent records.

    • Pre-Truth Ron

      Will he put them in detention if they don’t pass the bill?

      • Sophia

        Sit them in the corner

  • Panika MCD

    1) I see Secretary Good Hair has been on the phone with TX Railroad Commissioner Christi Craddick. we have three of them, but she’s the only one that really counts because not only does she have all the good ideas–she’s the only one who has any idea what the fuck she’s doing at all. of the other two: one thought his entire job was promoting the oil industry and the other thought the job actually had something to do with railroads. (it does, but it really doesn’t. it’s complicated.)

    2) the good ol’ USA is still the highest consumer of trafficked humans and 80% of those humans trafficked in our country are from…the USA! wonder where we appear on the list.

  • Claire

    The Kindle version of Hillbilly Elegy is on sale for $5. Should I buy it or is it just going to annoy me?

    • Lori

      It’ll annoy you. Don’t give them money. Borrow it from the library instead.

      Note: Parts of it are interesting and I think worth reading, but the annoying stuff is ANNOYING. I have a whole rant about it that I won’t bore you with, but ANNOYING.

      • Manders

        I like a good rant. If you’ve got the time, I’d love to read it.

    • Perkniticky

      My Midwestern mom told me I HAD to read it. I said OK, thanks, and didn’t read it.

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      Annoying. I mean, it raises stuff about American classism that are sort of news to some people, but overall, you’ll still want to slap the shit out of a bunch of people.

      • Claire

        My “wanting to slap the shit out of people” quota is pretty much filled by the time I finish reading Twitter with my coffee nowadays, so maybe I’ll pass.

  • goonemeritus

    Barack Obama has made more factual statements and been more Presidential in the last 6 months than out present “leader”.

    • Ghenghis McCann

      That’s a very low bar, isn’t it?

    • Jeffery Campbell

      My addled, diabetic, cat has been more presidential.

    • Three Finger Salute

      Obama could sit at a piano playing 4’33” in complete silence and he’d still make more factual statements than the fake news Time magazine “cover model”.

  • calliecallie

    Even the baby monkey can’t cheer me up today. My “staycation” is over and I have to go in to work this afternoon.

    • Zyxomma

      Sorry about that, but you’re lucky. I’m still job hunting.

  • Doug Langley

    BREAKING NEWS: Robot Donald Trump is just as much of a problem as the real thing:

    https://www.balloon-juice.com/2017/06/27/pardon-our-motherfucking-dust/

    • Ω cynmac will never surrender

      That is hilarious.

    • miss_grundy

      His speech will be a brain salad gobbledygook of superlatives and words uttered by a five year old.

  • The Librarian

    “Mitch McConnell is just standing there holding his dick while pissing in the wind”

    I hope those a-holes running away are running in the wrong direction. They all deserve to get pissed on as well.

  • Carpe Vagenda

    Funnily enough, a ‘left’ super PAC run by a Bernie surrogate/Andy Lack-favorite MSNBC pundit is also running against Nancy Pelosi in the midterms.

  • Apple Scruff

    I thought Chaffetz was quitting Congress this month?

    • miss_grundy

      He is. But now he wants his millionaire peers to get a rent subsidy of $2,500.00 per/month from the tax payers. He doesn’t want his peers to have to dig into the big bank accounts they have from their grifting to pay for their own rent in D.C.

  • WotsAllThisThen

    “That binary choice between pro-economy and pro-environment that has perpetuated—or, I should say, been perpetuated by the Obama administration—has set up a false argument,”

    Thanks Rick Perry. I guess us libs shouldn’t have spent the past eight years screaming that anything pro-environment will kill jobs, and calling every environmental or clean energy bill a jobs-killing bill. What were we thinking?

  • Zyxomma

    The colobus monkeys are just too cute. I own (and sometimes wear) a Victorian-Civil War era cape trimmed with jet beads and colobus monkey fur along its front. When I wore it to visit two now-deceased friends, one of them said, “Oh, you’d better hide that from the cats; those monkeys are their natural enemies.” While hanging up the cape, I answered, “Those cats’ only natural enemy is a little friskies packet they can’t tear, or a can they can’t open.” I miss my friends and their cats, and I’m very pleased that monkeys still exist. Humans suck, with the exception of Wonketteers and a few others.

  • Michael Smith

    Re: Nancy Pelosi – I think the GOP leadership is trying to figure out exactly how they achieved such a miraculous victory in November, in addition to Russian hacking. One of the ways, they think, was by amplifying their normal attack on Democrat elitism by mixing it with sexism. They are probably worried that they don’t have Hillary Clinton to kick around anymore, so they are looking for another uppity bitch to hang their hats on.

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      I’m frankly amazed that haven’t gone after Harris yet. She’s everything they hate and more. Of course, I’m sure they’ll get to her in good time.

      • Yr. Gma

        She’s new, so they can’t blame any of the Black Guy stuff on her. Yes, I know, that’s logic and therefore I need to go sit down and shut up.

        • AnnieGetYerFun

          But she’s also blackish, so shouldn’t they be code-wording something about her being uppity.

          • miss_grundy

            I’m sure in private conversations, the Rethugs, especially the Southerners, refer to her as “uppity”.

      • John Hollingsworth

        If they went after Harris, they’d get their asses handed to them and they’d only increase her stature. The truth is, both Pelosi and and Clinton have *ahem* ‘personality quirks’ that Republicans can exploit, Kamala Harris does not.

  • John Frum

    What I don’t get is how Democrats aren’t demonizing McConnell they way the GOP demonizes Nancy Pelosi. I mean he actually is a hobgoblin. Oh, wait, I bet it’s because the Democrats are all lining up to help throw her under the bus!

    Way to go Democrats! Tap out again. Roll over and take it some more. This is how the ACA got co-opted from a fight over people being able to get health care to begging medical profiteers to please stop ripping people off until they die. This is how the public option got shoved off the table.

    This is a big part of why you’re 0 for 5 in special elections, even though the people being replaced went to enable the most aggressively incompetent and corrupt “President” ever. Even against abominations like Greg Gianforte.

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      I was going to say that Republicans always gather around and defend their own, but then I remember how Boehner got the boot.

      • John Frum

        And Eric Cantor. But the exceptions prove the rule! Gianforte got $100,000 in donations after he assaulted a reporter. And why is Gingrich still even a thing? Human beings with souls should pelt him with tomatoes every time he crawls out from under his rock. For every one Republican who gets thrown under the bus, there’s 10 Democrats.

        And every “liberal” who does something that can be exploited for a slander campaign gets treated like a mass shooter – by other Democrats – and every Republican who LITERALLY causes a mass shooting gets a ride to Burger King.

      • cats530

        A lot of them hate Lyin’ Ryan too, which makes me smile.

  • Dudleydidwrong

    Hey, Mitch! Sometimes others fuck you. Sometimes you just fuck yourself. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/2845709cd6f71bdd37626b82cab61c105c8088548ebc9fc12f0ad0d12f836b7a.jpg

    • Three Finger Salute

      Turdles can’t jump Hurdles

  • Jeffery Campbell

    How you gonna forget $17 MILLION!!! I don’t forget $17 ACTUAL DOLLARS. SINGLES.

  • Les Appentis De la résistance

    $arah’s super pac slush fund must be running dry. She needed a reason to beg her admirers for donations.

  • AnnieGetYerFun

    A new nasty strain of ransomware is floating around the web that utilizes the same compromised NSA software as WannaCry, but this one looks like it may come from Ukraine (which means it’s probably Russian), not North Korea.

    And if it came from North Korea, it was Chinese/Russian/both.

    • Three Finger Salute

      Well, you can’t spell Russia without USA.

  • Three Finger Salute

    Fake nerd sez what?

    http://i.imgur.com/Pa58cz0.jpg

  • Doug Langley
    • Pax Americana Per Ars Smith

      Interesting defense strategy. Not the Twinky defense, the Douchebag defense.

  • Blackest Noobs

    so hilariously when Trump gets called out on not knowing jack shit about the healthcare bill, he goes to twitter and basically states like a 2 year old…i do too….know stuff…and stuff.

    but the hilarious part you saying you know shit about it doesn’t mean fucking anything. let someone ask you some hardball’d questions about it and if you can answer it without just adding a bunch of superlatives in a sentence and usually the same ones you use over and over and over again ( quick someone get the President a dictionary and thesaurus) then we’ll believe your lying 99% of the time ass.

  • cats530

    What’s up with morons defending pink slime? Meat lobby shills or actual Trump voter drones?

  • AnnieGetYerFun

    Is that an actual photo that McConnell allowed to be taken of him?

    • cats530

      Matt Taibbi once described him as a “needle-nosed prick,” though I notice more of a cross between a tortoise and a buzzard.

      • miss_grundy

        Can he be a “tor-buzz needle-nosed prick”?

  • cats530

    He looks like it’s hurting him to make the effort to even manage half a smile.

  • miss_grundy

    Since this is the open thread for today, I will drop this right here for your edification: Yesterday, while I was watching the CBC, I saw a report on the Trump Tower Toronto, which went into receivership one week before Election Day last year. Well, the Trump name on the building is going to be taken down and the management deal with the Trump Organization will also end.

    Here’s the linky: http://www.cbc.ca/news/business/trump-tower-1.4179541

  • How are the #Resistance “thugs” brutalizing one man’s warped sense of perspective today?

    https://mobile.twitter.com/ggreenwald/status/879811969649446913?ref_src=twsrc%5Egoogle%7Ctwcamp%5Eserp%7Ctwgr%5Etweet

    I mean I do agree that no one should be getting death threats and Glenn should absolutely report this (as oppose to say using it to propagate strawmen) but the man who, just a few weeks ago, was complaining about Sanders supporters being linked to an unhinged psychopath really needs to be careful on how he wields the broad brush. This is some Fox News level of conflation and logical fallacies there.

  • andyshelt

    “Donald Trump will attend France’s Bastille Day celebrations in Paris on 14 July, after accepting an invitation from the French president, Emmanuel Macron.”

    Haven’t the French people suffered enough over the last year?

    Meanwhile, we Brits dodge a bullet as the same Guardian article reports that:

    “Last month it emerged that Trump had told the British prime minister, Theresa May, in a phone call that he did not want to go ahead with a state visit to the UK until the British public supported him coming.”

    So we can safely file that one under “never going to fucking happen”

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/b1f0bf40ab6f89ecbffc315daaf0c7fe7501e70c1e1d8fe2b8815332bd17c6a9.jpg

    https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/jun/28/donald-trump-to-visit-paris-for-bastille-day-ceremonies

    • phoenix00

      I’d invite DT to the Bastille to lock him up in it.

  • puredog

    Without even having read the pleadings, I suspect that Palin suit will be appropriately laughed out of court at the earliest opportunity. (A 12b6 motion, assuming it’s federal, or SJ.) Which leads to the question whether a SCt appeal to the Gorsuch/Satan’s Incoming Spawn bench will be successful which, I suppose, it very well might be.

  • Somecallmetim

    Jeezuz McConnell! Quit kegeling the sphincter. It’s creating a back pressure that’s sucking up your face.

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