Morning Wonketariat! Here’s some of the things we may be talking about today but before we do, DETROIT! We are all up in you at Belle Isle Park “in the open land across from the Giant Slide” they call, “H.” It’s $10 Ameros if you’re driving, but free if you’re take the bus. BRING ALL THE THINGS!
The UK Conservative party led by Prime Minister Theresa May lost its majority in Parliament and she now has to beg for the Queen’s permission to lead the U.K. amid calls for her resignation. (She says she’s sticking around.)
Comey says the White House lied about him and the FBI, but admitted that he’s certainly not “Captain Courageous” after he failed to stand up to Trump’s super secret one-on-one advances during dimly lit dinners.
Republicans are defending Trump as A Idiot still learning how to swim, and say that any investigations into obstruction of justice are premature because Comey leaked Donald Trump’s lies like he was Nixon.
The Senate is still toiling away at killing Obamacare, but Senate Republicans are hung up on how to stop all you would-be baby killers from getting tax-payer funded abortions as they try to sneak through TrumpCare/McConnellCare/WealthCare.
The Senate’s TrumpCare/McConnellCare/Wealthcare bill keeps getting hung up on its costs and make-or-break issues, making it increasingly difficult to pass even a Republican majority, despite their smokeless backroom double dealing.
Trump spoke to a bunch of evangelicals about his success at jailing immigrants and railroading Neil Gorsuch onto the SCOTUS.
Jerry Falwell Jr. is saying he’s part of a White House higher education task force to reduce regulations in universities. That’s completely different from a Department of Education task force that seems to have left his name off its roster.
Deutsche Bank is giving the finger to Trump-Russia investigators who want to know what kind of money was changing hands between Donald Trump and Russia.
The GOP wants Trey “Benghazi” Gowdy to chair the House Oversight committee just in case Trump-Russia picks up enough weight to start indictments.
Trump has named Valerie Huber chief of staff to the assistant secretary for health at HHS, which is great if you’re one of those people who thinks an abstinence-preaching lobbyist should have a say in “sexual risk avoidance.”
Indiana Republican Rep. Jim Lucas wrote a BookFace post about how not to be a rape victim, and it went over about as well as you’d think.
Hundreds of thousands of teachers are being sent anti-climate changes propaganda from the Heartland Institute, and some of the teachers are righteously pissed.
Former Italian Prime Minister and Italian Donald Trump, Silvio Berlusconi, is trying to make a comeback, but some people aren’t buying his crap this time.
Russia will seize U.S. property used by school children unless it gets its East Coast spy mansions back before the next G20 meeting.
Qatar is throwing up its Middle Eastern middle finger to all its hypocritical neighbors and haters that are closing their borders amid accusations of terror financing.
The Charlotte Pride Parade is denying a Gay Trumpkin from participation in festivities on the grounds that he supports anti-LGBQT policies. His group is called “Deplorable Pride.”
There will be anti-Muslim marches in 30 cities across the country this weekend. So that’s terrible!
A journalist arrested during the inauguration of God Emperor Trump faces 75 years, don’t worry, the millionaire who sexually assaulted a maid gets no jail time.
Dame Peggington Noonington arose from her golden throne, having observed the proclamations of one Mr. James Comey, and thus opined that she hath no interior monologue with which to pen her latest decree, leading one to contemplate that, perhaps, the good lady has consumed too much gin and is thus unworthy of her Pulitzer. [Archive]
Tucker Carlson is full of butthurt that Kurt Eichenwald accidentally tweeted out a picture that suggested he had a fetish for anime tentacle porn.
Breitbart is hemorrhaging advertisers but it probably doesn’t matter seeing as how they’re owned by super-rich hate-mongers (unlike ‘Yr Wonkette, which is owned by Editrix and funded by YOU)!
And here’s your late night wrap-up! Colbert wished everyone a Happy St. Comey’s Day; Conan O’Brien apologized for all those annoying ads; Seth Meyers took A Closer Look at Comey’s testimony; James Corden showed some pictures of doggos at UK polling stations; and The Daily Show wondered what the hell Comey DIDN’T say.
And here’s your morning Nice Time! Peninsular Pronghorn Fawns!
And because you’ve all been so good, BONUS NICE TIME!
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