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He gets cranky if there's no pudding
The Man In the High Chair

At the risk of insulting cranky toddlers again, we have yet another story to add to the Donald Trump Is A Cranky Toddler file: The Washington Post advises us Donald Trump gets the most out of his intelligence briefings when they are VERY BRIEF briefings, with lots of visual aids, and maybe also some interactive elements like pretty lights, a mirror, and a magic voice that says “The cow goes MOOOOO.” Wonkette was unable to confirm these latter details; a White House source refused to comment, saying only that the president was teething.

Here’s a reassuring portrait of Donald Trump, Intelligence Consumer. No late nights with briefing books, ’cause that’s his special time with TiVo:

Most mornings, often at 10:30, sometimes earlier, Trump sits behind the historic Resolute desk and, with a fresh Diet Coke fizzing and papers piled high, receives top-secret updates on the world’s hot spots. The president interrupts his briefers with questions but also with random asides. He asks that the top brass of the intelligence community be present, and he demands brevity.

As they huddle around the desk, Trump likes to pore over visuals — maps, charts, pictures and videos, as well as “killer graphics,” as CIA Director Mike Pompeo phrased it.

“That’s our task, right? To deliver the material in a way that he can best understand the information we’re trying to communicate,” said Pompeo, adding that he, too, prefers to “get to the core of the issue quickly.”

Nice catch, Pompeo! YOU like YOUR intelligence information just the way the president does! It’s a GOOD thing. The very BEST. Maybe, if Mike Pompeo is lucky, Trump won’t wish him into the cornfield.

WaPo reporters Philip Rucker and Ashley Parker then review how Trump spits out pieces of what he’s consumed, sometimes in the most unfortunate situations. It’s a challenge to take him anywhere — or, for that matter, to have guests over. There was that time he burped out a whole bunch of sensitive intelligence right on those visiting Russians, and then during his trip to Israel, he proclaimed in public — proudly! — that he’d been a good boy and hadn’t said the word “Israel” at all to the Russians, so Israel’s secrets are safe with him. The intelligence community is reportedly looking into developing some sort of spit-up cloth for information, to prevent the president leaking so much. And, of course, Trump’s still not completely convinced the 2016 election was hacked by Russia, because maybe it was China, or the 400-pound guy in New Jersey again, or maybe it was YOU. Did YOU hack the DNC? Can you prove you didn’t?

At least Trump is taking intelligence briefings, which is a change from during the transition, when we learned he could only be forced to sit down and listen to them once or twice a week, and then only when he could sit on a big plush elephant like he does for haircuts (we’re pretty sure we read that somewhere). He explained in December he doesn’t need a briefing every day, because “I don’t have to be told – you know, I’m, like, a smart person. I don’t have to be told the same thing in the same words every single day for the next eight years.”

The good news is that now the president takes his briefings every day, sitting at his big-boy desk, and he’s even starting to understand that he needs to know stuff about the big scary world beyond America, no matter how First he thinks America should be.

A president who I think came into the office thinking he would focus on domestic issues — ‘make America great again’ — has learned that you inherit the world and its problems when you’re president of the United States,” said Daniel Coats, director of national intelligence and a frequent participant in Trump’s briefings.

“One time he came in and said, ‘All right, what’s the bad news this morning?’ ” Coats added. “You can see the weight of the burden on the shoulders of the president.”

Coats even managed to say all that with a straight face, so be reassured: Our president are learning! Trump likes to have members of his cabinet with him for the briefings, so they can handle all the detail stuff and he can be presidential; he also likes having Jared Kushner handy even though Jared (still!) gets his own security briefings. While subject area experts come in when, say, a foreign leader is visiting, Trump doesn’t like being lectured, preferring a conversational mode of learning, according to Pompeo, again telling the lying media that his boss is really smart:

It’s a very oral, interactive discussion, as opposed to sitting there and reading from a text or a script,” Pompeo said.

Pompeo added: “He always asks hard questions, which I think is the sign of a good intelligence consumer. He’ll challenge analytic lines that we’ll present, which is again completely appropriate. . . . It is frequently the case that we’ll find that we need to go back and do more work to develop something, to round something out.”

See! He’s learning AND he asks good questions! Such a clever little fellow!

Apart from the details about Trump’s fondness for visual aids and small bites of information, the WaPo story isn’t too earth-shaking, apart from reminding us again that Trump is the biggest ninnyhammer to occupy the office. How’s that for normalizing the dipshit? There’s nothing quite as jaw-dropping here as in that Reuters story before Trump’s Mideast trip where we learned National Security Council briefers strategically put Trump’s own name in “as many paragraphs as we can because he keeps reading if he’s mentioned,” which sure makes us feel like the man knows what’s going on. That story also noted Trump likes to look at a map while being briefed on foreign lands, with the explanation,

“He likes to visualize things,” said a senior administration official. “The guy’s a builder. He has spent his whole life looking at architectural renderings and floor plans.

We actually know how he feels. Whenever we read about “President Donald Trump,” we find it much easier to get through by looking at a calendar to remind us that there will be midterm elections in just 18 months.

Also, booze. Lots and lots of booze.

Yr Wonkette is 100% reader-supported! Please send us money by clicking that “Donate” clicky below, and we promise to keep throwing polysyllabic words at you.

[WaPo / Reuters]

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  • Stulexington

    Maybe if they just recorded it in a voice that Trump respects and had him listen to them. Where can we find a good Putin impersonator?

  • Joe Beese

    He’ll challenge analytic lines that we’ll present, which is again completely appropriate.

    “I’m sorry, Mr. President. We can’t nuke Berlin because of what Angela Merkel said.”

    “Why not?! I’m the President, aren’t I?”

  • JMP

    In other words, Donald needs his briefings to be read to him with lots of pretty pictures because he never learned to read, the moron.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Pompeo added: “He always asks hard questions

    I’ve always found that when people don’t have a clue about whatever is being discussed, their questions can be quite trying.

  • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

    Needs moar shadow puppetry…

    • ichthyopteryx

      …and connect-the-dots. And maybe coloring within the lines.

      • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

        A maze puzzle, too! Maze puzzles are fun!

  • Vincent Ricola

    Maybe they’ll even be able to teach him how to read someday and the poor teleprompter programmers can finally stop using emojis for his speeches!! USA! USA! USA!

  • Anna Rompage

    It’s really too bad Pompeo couldn’t have severed under Obama for a brief but, just to see how it’s really suppose to be done…

  • RobKanC

    Totally not a puff piece to boost one’s ego at all.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Pompeo will survive this purge because he’s knows how to suck up to his boss.

  • Treg Brown ✓ᵛᵉʳᶦᶠᶦᵉᵈ
    • Joe Beese

      I suppose this could be accused of politicizing a tragedy. But the US health care system is already a tragedy, so fuck it.

      • Stulexington

        I hesitate to call the truth political.

    • BrendaKay

      Brits need not contemplate this… every Trumpkin needs to contemplate this.

      • Jamoche

        They do, though. I’m following @harryslaststand on twitter and from what he’s saying that’s a possibility.

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      Huh. I mean, I don’t know who this would comfort, exactly?

      • willi0000000

        i believe it’s to piss you off on behalf of the parents with the loss . . . and at the monsters trying to take away the ability to afford even the most basic health care insurance.

        • FragileDog

          It’s also to piss you off at the Tories in the UK who are determined to strip the NHS and privatise it.

          • willi0000000

            as long as it pisses somebody off for good cause, i’m all for it!

  • msanthropesmr

    So can we start a national Kickstarter campaign to pay Donald to go away?

    • kaydenpat

      Pay him with whose money? He’s already a billionaire. Hopefully, he’ll resign when he gets bored of the job or when Mueller gets too close to exposing the truth.

      • Resistance Fighter Callyson

        He’s already a billionaire

        Not according to some investigative journalists, he’s not. Besides, when did Donald ever pass up an opportunity to cash in?

      • JMP

        Yet he’s still doing everything he can to abuse his position to enrich his company that he refused to divest in.

  • borninatrailer

    Maybe “Here comes the airplane!” jokes will crash and burn given previously unheeded briefings..

  • eyelashviper

    JUST LEAKED FROM WH, the Daily Briefing sheet, with notes and ideas added by the Hoofwanker-In-Chief

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/12c34b450230ff1c15d7e7f31e96faf4b74371a5662b76a3a563dfc6440c8f54.jpg

  • Lance Thrustwell

    Dok, the quote from “It’s a Good Life” is perfect. That story scared the dickens out of me when I was a kid. (I read the story before I saw the Twilight Zone episode).

  • WotsAllThisThen

    He has spent his whole life looking at architectural renderings and floor plans.

    Why do I find this statement dubious? Oh right, he uses the term “architectural” instead of “Miss Teen USA contestants.”

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Architect your best self! Like Ivanka says.

      • Mr. Blobfish

        I’d like to give the whole family a good architecting right in the ass.

        edit: That doesn’t sound right. I mean “kick”.

    • Because the idea of Trump learning what architecture symbols on drawings mean involves… learning?

      Clearly impossible. 😂

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    I’m, like, a smart person. I don’t have to be told the same thing in the same words every single day for the next eight years.

    If that were true, Donald wouldn’t insist that each visitor look at the electoral map and tell him what an impressive victory he got in underpopulated states & counties FFS…

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/baae234eef8439761688067bd36e75ed28ece958e8e26ddf96bea5dc207c3543.jpg

    • Stulexington

      Well it’s a good thing that things change daily so it won’t be the same things in the same words. God he really thinks the world moves as slowly as he does.

      • willi0000000

        the problem here is that things do change . . . but t’Rump doesn’t notice the changes so he thinks every day is the same.

    • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

      Considering his grasp on remembering things is about 5 minutes, briefings every day seem like spitting in the wind.

    • Shoto

      I know words. I have the best words.

      Preznit Stupid

  • Skwerl the Impeachanator!
  • schmannity

    Today’s Intelligence Briefing brought to you by Cliff Notes.

    • MizzMazz

      …and the letters F and U

      • Crystalclear12

        Tomorrow’s letters are:
        W T & F

        • ichthyopteryx

          …and the day after that: Y?!

          • Resistance Fighter Callyson

            Next week: F F & S

          • armed_bears

            ‘K!

        • MizzMazz

          Those are every days letters now.

        • Shibusa

          And then IOKIYA&R

  • kaydenpat

    Why give Trump intelligence briefings at all? It’s not as if he listens and learns anything from them? It’s also not as if he is going to act on anything he hears unless it fits his own personal interests.

    He’s not in office to benefit the United States. He’s in the White House to grift and to allow his family and friends to make millions from his prestigious position.

    • Joe Beese

      The meager consolation of clinging to tradition.

      It’s not like the string quartet on the Titanic expected anyone to appreciate their musicianship.

  • La forza del resistino

    By questioning intelligence reports, is that where Donald asks doesn’t ‘intelligence’ only have one L.

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      He asks the questions that nobody else is willing to ask.

  • MynameisBlarney
  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    “One time he came in and said, ‘All right, what’s the bad news this morning?’ ”

    “You’re still the POTUS, sir.”

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/fe428ef99ed9a043558b074e8e1f6812f7dc33bdaf86b6bef304f317e86cc9c7.png

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Trump is the USA Today of presidents.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      When did they get an orange section, and why is it so fat?

    • puredog

      You aim too high. He’s Highlights for Children or, at best, Parade.

      • Latverian Diplomat

        “Goofus was my first VP pick, then Jared told me he was not available. Sad.”
        — Donald Trump

    • Shoto

      Parade Magazine of Preznits Libelz!

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    I spent a few years in project management in the construction industry. Builders don’t spend much time looking at “architectural renderings” and “floor plans.” Builders look at structural drawings and specification manuals.

    • Joe Beese

      Trump just asks, “Is mine the biggest?”

    • WotsAllThisThen

      You forget this is Trump we’re dealing with. They probably handed him a stack of floor plans and said, “Tell us where the gold lion should go, and we’ll take it from there.”

    • Anna Rompage

      I have a feeling the Donad mostly focused & obsessed on the Nilson ratings from that week’s episode of the Apprentice…

  • ichthyopteryx

    To deliver the material in a way that he can best understand the information we’re trying to communicate…

    So, in 140 characters or less?

    • WotsAllThisThen

      All briefings are to be read by scantily clad teenage girls.

      • Persistent Tennessee Rain

        Or Ivanka

    • Crystalclear12

      At 3 in the morning?

  • as opposed to sitting there and reading from a text or a script

    I mean, have you ever tried reading? It’s hard!

  • ResistanceFictionista blondeiq

    Someone with better graphic arts skills than I should develop the interactive presidential See ‘n Say. Russian president go “DA!” Pee hookers go “WEE WEE!” Who’s up to the challenge?

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    It is frequently the case that we’ll find that we need to go back and do more work to develop something, to round something out.

    “I know, I know, you showed him seven pieces of corroborating evidence, but he won’t take this seriously unless and until you come up with nine! Surely you can find something!”

  • Crystalclear12

    Oh Gawd, we’re all going to die!
    Hmm, that sentence seems normal now.

    Calendar and booze.

  • Oblios_Cap

    If he wants them with Ketchup, he should just order some ketchup chips. They’re everywhere in Canada.

    http://cottagelife.com/files/2013/11/herrs-ketchup-potato-chips.jpg

    • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

      Again, just because something can be done does not mean that it should.

      • Oblios_Cap

        It clearly states “Satisfaction Guaranteed” right there on the label.

        • Resistance Fighter Callyson

          Whose satisfaction, however, is not specified.

      • Latverian Diplomat

        I’m still waiting for ketchup flavored mayonaise.

        I need it to put on my bacon.

        • Beowoof14
          • Latverian Diplomat

            I think that’s mayonnaise flavored ketchup. Totally different. :-)

            Also too. My God, satire just cannot keep up with real life anymore.

          • Shoto

            Satire? Wait: That’s a joke, right?

          • Shoto

            Now I know what the word “grotesque” means.

        • Shoto

          Ketchup-flavored mayo, slathered on bacon, then slapped between two pop-tarts is the cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast.

        • French dressing?

          • Querolous

            Russian.

    • Stulexington

      He can have our Ketchup chips when he pries them from our cold, frostbitten hands!

    • MynameisBlarney

      I was about to ask “What? No Poutine Chips?”

      Then I was like…No.

      • Cliff Hendroval

        I saw haggis-flavored crisps for sale in Scotland.

  • schmannity

    Can’t you make the report look more like DC Comics?

    DJT

    • Latverian Diplomat

      I think Trump prefers Richie Rich.

      • schmannity

        Betty and Veronica let you grab them if you’re Richie Rich.

  • ArgieBargie

    Has anyone told Trump the Germans didn’t bomb Pearl Harbor yet?

    • WotsAllThisThen

      Forget it, he’s rolling.

  • No diet Trump sends his Butler all over Manhattan, searching all the Mom and Pop corner grocery stores for the FRESHEST DIET COKE.
    https://media0.giphy.com/media/xT8qBvVrX0wuuItpFm/giphy.gif

  • Joe Beese

    About those private intelligence briefings for Jared, TPM is very, very excited about them.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/74d494377613d537acb8c54b6ab6e4b95831331fc3e8f7f3b4654024bcbe8471.png

    • WotsAllThisThen

      He probably just wanted the Kremlin’s help translating the big words for him.

    • Martini Ambassador 🍸

      Of course he does, because this is all perfectly normal and legal and not-at-all ethically questionable.

  • Shoto

    Whenever we read about “President Donald Trump,” we find it much easier to get through by looking at a calendar to remind us that there will be midterm elections in just 18 months.

    And I don’t wanna hear any of that bullshit about 2020 when there are 2018 congressional races pending. Don’t make me get out the whup-ass.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    August 6

    Bad Hombres determined to Bomb the Country Trump lives in!

    • Joe Beese

      One laughs to keep from crying.

  • La forza del resistino

    “The guy’s a builder …” And I have a grand kid who has moved on from playing with blocks to doing legos too.

    • BosGrl

      When my kids sang along to Bob the Builder (“Can he fix it?”), they always shouted “NO HE CAN’T!”

  • Mpeg

    I’ll admit the mostly “bad news” appearing on our wonkagenda listicle “briefing” these days I just skim right to the happy-nice videos of river pigs and gurgling baby hippopotamus~

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      Same. But you and I know better than to run for the office of POTUS.

  • Can’t Trump just use the “Okay, you’ve covered your ass, now I’m going to forget about it” approach? That’s worked out well for Republicans.

  • MynameisBlarney
    • Beowoof14

      Has to be careful not offend his base.

      • JohnBull

        Yes, the bold and brave Real Americans who spend their time calling us “snowflakes” and melt down when someone says “Have a good holiday.”

  • John Resistant Tovarich Smith

    Waiting for Spicer press briefing! Anybody but me hoping he comes out and says “Wish I could have met the pope. I resign effective as of now, and does anybody know the way to Mueller’s office?”

    • theblackdog

      If only. I expect Spicer has too much pride to resign in that manner.

      • C4TWOMAN

        Pride? I dunno. He humiliates himself to cover for Trump. I hope you’re right tho–then it’s only a matter of time before he snaps and quits.

        • calliecallie

          The man went out in public in a bunny costume. He likes humiliation.

    • C4TWOMAN

      I wonder why he hasn’t yet. He’s not entangling in the Russian stuff as far as I can tell and he should be bailing just to save himself.
      I think he’ll have to feel personally betrayed first, which means Trump needs to fire him before he turns states evidence.

    • Mr. Blobfish

      How soon before Kimberly Guilfoyle comes strutting out in 8″ heels to give the daily briefing?

      • John Resistant Tovarich Smith

        With a glass podium.

  • WotsAllThisThen

    Fox News figured all this out decades ago. They’re basically delivering his intelligence reports now.

    • BosGrl

      With all the hacking, hasn’t some liberal figured out how to mock up a Fox set and CCTV it in over the regular broadcast?

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      Well, Fox also includes idiots screaming about how hard it is to be white in this country. I don’t know if the NSA adds those to the briefings, but it might help if they do.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    It doesn’t hurt to slip in a “Zap!” or “Powie!” once in a while.
    — NSA How-to Guide for Presidential briefings

  • Beowoof14

    So 45 needs his information presented in the same way you would plan for first graders. Yeah that fits.

    • C4TWOMAN

      First Graders Libelz!

      • Beowoof14

        You know I was thinking the grade level may be too high.

    • JohnBull

      My first graders ask better questions.

  • Teto85

    He’s a visual learner with ADD and cannot/will not read, may be due to undiagnosed dyslexia. And add that to all the narcissistic, megalomaniac shit.

    • Stulexington

      His behaviour on Memorial Day does kinda play into that diagnosis too.

      • Teto85

        I agree. I heard that comment in your avatar’s voice. Her angry voice. ;-)

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      Also, in addition to possible learning disabilities, I think he might be incredibly dumb.

      • Teto85

        I’m ok with that possibility.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    When it comes to briefs, I prefer speedos.
    — Donald Trump

  • Thaumaturgist

    Wiki doesn’t say what Chris Christie’s weight is. I suppose the 400 lb dude in Mew Kersey could be someone else.

    • Joe Beese

      But when it comes to actually releasing his medical records, Christie’s campaign has balked at public disclosure despite the governor recently criticizing Democratic front-runner Hillary Clinton for keeping medical records private.

      Last month, The Bergen Record reported Christie criticizing Clinton for the lack of disclosure, insisting that he released his own medical records when he announced his candidacy last summer and Clinton should do the same.

      Except Christie’s campaign never released the records.

      http://www.nj.com/politics/index.ssf/2016/02/christie_discusses_personal_health_on_campaign_tra.html

  • baconzinlove
    • Serai 1

      Word of advice: Upload the pic first, and then put your text where you want it to go. Otherwise, the pic will pop up exactly where the cursor is when it finishes loading.

      • baconzgood

        That was the gag.

  • Martini Ambassador 🍸

    Remember when people were slagging Hillary for being a detail oriented policy wonk with a keen memory of events, people and places? Good thing we dodged that bullet.

    • MizzMazz

      “She seemed over prepared” Like that is ever a bad thing!

  • Michael R
    • ichthyopteryx

      No way dude, a cunt has better hair arrangement…

    • Martini Ambassador 🍸

      Too bad you couldn’t have worked that out before helping him into a job he’s completely unqualified to fill.

  • therblig

    if they put photos of him smiling next to an item, he’ll approve it.
    if they put photos of him frowning next to an item, he’ll disapprove it.
    kind of like management by poop emoji

    • Mr. Blobfish

      I would have titty pics net to the good stuff.

  • MynameisBlarney
    • Joe Beese

      “Nine lives” explained.

  • Vagenda and Pee-ara

    “Please, let’s not drag the toddlers in to this mess!”

    ~Miss Donna Rose

  • Vagenda and Pee-ara

    We should be liveblogging Spicey. He’s going to go nuts when the lamestream media starts attacking him with all their fake questions about Trump’s fake Russian connection.

    • Shoto

      A semi-regular Live-Blooog of Spicey’s (or whomever’s) pressers might be a good idea.

  • AnnieGetYerFun

    “One time he came in and said, ‘All right, what’s the bad news this morning?’ ” Coats added. And I responded, ‘You’re still President, Mr. Trump’.”

    And they all larfed and larfed.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Oh I’m sure Assmouth really challenges his briefers’ assumptions – like, by interrupting a discussion about North Korea with a question about whether the Electoral College could certify that his win was the most amazingest landslide ever.

    • PubOption

      “If the Electoral College doesn’t certify my win as the yooouugest ever, can we pull their football scholarships?”

  • Suse

    Spice Boy is at press conference. He’ll be on very soon.

    • Beowoof14

      He still has a job. I thought Trump was going to bring in a better liar, one with big boobs to keep Trump/conservatives entertained.

      • Joe Beese

        Sean Spicer has big boobs.

        • Beowoof14

          I would have said is a big boob, but I didn’t want to be mean.

          • ichthyopteryx

            No way, a boob holds itself up better to a squeezing.

    • snark-lurker

      this will be good

  • FauxAntocles

    They’re STILL giving him information? WTF??!!?

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Who’s a good president, yes you are!

  • Hobbes’ Evil Twin
    • Ryan Denniston

      What, no UFOs?

    • LeighBowery’sLuxuryComedy

      Those WH leaks really are embarrassing, aren’t they? Who knew the SCPOTUS liked Aerosmith??

  • Bitter Scribe

    That WaPo story sounds like one of those “he didn’t shit his pants, he’s so presidential” articles. Balance.

    • Shoto

      “Both sides do it.”

      Beltway Press.

      • Latverian Diplomat

        “Obama’s insatiable lust for nuance was just as bad really.”
        — The Washington Post

        • Joe Beese

          Tell me about it. Any nuance came into view and he would just start slavering over it.

          It was kind of disgusting to watch, to be honest with you.

        • Cat Cafe for the Investigation

          “Hillary’s insistence on full information, her ability to fully understand and analyze even the most complex situation, articulate our positions, interact effectively with our allies and stand up to Putin, let alone her insistence on secure email servers, was weak, corrupt, and shrill”–WaPo

    • Latverian Diplomat

      “I like the thing about the really fast choo choo, but the rest goes on too long. Get to the point Albert.”
      — If Einstein met Trump

    • OrG

      If he wears diapers,how would you know?

  • Mpeg

    So when Donnie fidgets and insists “okay okay, can we get to the GOOD part already?” then the best-saved-for-last is served him on a plate with two scoops of ice cream?

  • Persistent Tennessee Rain

    The bar could not possibly be lower for this Clown in Chief

    • Stulexington

      And yet he keeps tripping over it and falling on his face.

  • goonemeritus

    They should just show him South Park’s Team America every morning.

  • Rick Hill

    You make it sound like trump, and other republicans btw, need to have the bar lowered, expectations reduced to the minimum, a pass given, an explanation of everything they say forthcoming….
    As if they do not even try to live in reality….

    “The times in which we could fully rely on others are partly over. I have experienced this in the last few days.”
    — German Chancellor Angela Merkel on Trump

    “One must show that you won’t make small concessions, even symbolic ones…My handshake with him — it wasn’t innocent.”
    — French President Emmanuel Macron

    “Acting like an autocratic leader.”
    — Merkel opponent Martin Schulz

    “I think what grates on European leaders is the sense that he does not treat them as equals, let alone as allies.”
    — former US ambassador to NATO Ivo Daalder

    “Trip was a great success for America.”
    — Trump

    “Executed to near perfection.”
    — Sen. Bob Corker

  • Ryan Denniston

    “Most mornings, often at 10:30, sometimes earlier”

    Earlier! Sometimes earlier! Some days, he even appears in suit and tie by 9!

    • Oblios_Cap

      I figured he never took them off.

  • Martini Ambassador 🍸
    • SweetDeeKat

      The Onion’s document leak is priceless. Go there, now.

  • Randy Riddle

    I’m reading a book about the rebuilding of the White House during the Truman administration. One detail stuck out – Truman typically spending his weekends devouring a six-inch stack of memos and briefs to keep up with the hectic pace of the job.

    • Joe Beese

      “The buck stops here.”

      “This buck passing is very, very unfair.”

      • ichthyopteryx

        He’ll take the buck and run away with it, if he only didn’t have bone spurs.

      • Cat Cafe for the Investigation

        “Nobody knew there would be a buck, or that it would stop here. It’s way more complicated than anyone knew. I’m not a buck kind of guy.”

    • Painter of Goats

      The only way to entice Trump to “devour” a stack of memos would be to deep fry them and drench them with ketchup.

  • Suse

    And he’s on!

    • BosGrl

      “An extraordinary week for America” – you said it, Spicey.

      • Suse

        He looks nervous.

        • BosGrl

          Yes. Well good.

        • Joe Beese

          He may not be eligible for unemployment insurance.

      • Painter of Goats

        Seems every week since 11/9 has been “extraordinary”. *sigh*

    • Jennifer R

      Those lies.

    • WotsAllThisThen

      Best foreign trip in history. Period!

      • BosGrl

        Only the Saudi Arabia and Israel parts. The rest didn’t happen.

  • Serai 1

    You can see the weight of the burden on the shoulders of the president.

    Are these fuckers actually trying to make me feel SORRY for a self-worshipping grifter who WANTED THE JOB? Yeah, NO.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/ebbaee6f6baf92aed8d4ac411c412f0aa4e3c44f12dee9b6050b99bb6038c883.gif

  • Anna Elizabeth, Tank Grrl

    ‘Member back when they said Lil’ Donnie wanted “raw intelligence data” to look at? I bet that lasted 1 meeting.

    • MizzMazz

      Too many big words. “I’m bored, want cake!”

      • Anna Elizabeth, Tank Grrl

        xD Fer Shure!

        • MizzMazz

          Everyone learns differently. If you tell me something, it will have to be told a few times. If I have a manual to look at, the information will be embedded there. Pictures are good, written word is good, and someone who is a good trainer/manager learns these things, but all of these skills are useless if you are dealing with someone who doesn’t want to learn, and won’t be told.
          We have a little kid who keeps breaking his toys, and then crying about it.

          • Anna Elizabeth, Tank Grrl

            Indeed. I’m a good reader, but also very tactile. If I have some object to touch and manipulate, I learn and absorb the information more quickly.

            But as you say, Donnie doesn’t want to learn.

          • MizzMazz

            You can lead a horse to water…wait – don’t want to offend horses.

          • Anna Elizabeth, Tank Grrl

            xD

          • Jamoche

            You can lead a whore to culture, but you can’t make him think.

  • Ryan Denniston

    “He likes to visualize things,” said a
    senior administration official. “The guy’s a builder. He has spent his
    whole life looking at architectural renderings and floor plans.”

    Or so he would have us believe. What’s remarkable is that the C+ foulups running the show for the boss managed to not squander all his inheritance.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      “OK, so the Stapler is the terrorists, and this pen is a missile, and the missile flies toward the…”
      “Which thing is me?”
      “Umm,,. the pencil cup?”
      “I don’t wanna be the pencil cup!”
      “OK, what would you like to be…”
      “I don’t care anymore. This story is stupid. Where’s my ice cream?”

  • Latverian Diplomat

    “Wait’ll Putin hears what the Jews found out about Manchester!”
    — Donald Trump reacts to another briefing…

  • Jenny

    Aww sometimes he even questions our confined narratives and carefully constructed stories, just like an intelligent being! Sometimes we have to go back and rework it so he never has to ask any questions at all!

  • WotsAllThisThen

    Uh Spicey, people have already stopped talking about Trump’s speech in Saudi Arabia. What’s this “years and years to come?”

    • Serai 1

      Oh, I agree with him. People will be talking about how utterly ridiculous, humiliating, and unbelievable that speech was for years.

      • WotsAllThisThen

        Okay, looking at the picture with Saruman and the glowing orb, I can believe it.

  • Mr. Blobfish
  • La forza del resistino

    ‘intelligence reports with killer graphics’. Even Quentin Tarantino would use more discrete wording.

  • calliecallie

    “…and then only when he could sit on a big plush elephant like he does for haircuts…”
    I think the big plush elephant gives him his haircuts.

    • Joe Beese
      • Indivisible Snark Tank

        I think my favorite part of this picture (other than the fact that not one, but TWO of Barron’s favorite toy cars are limousines!) is Melon’s Bond-Girl pose.

        • Nockular cavity

          And Roman-whore toga.

        • MizzMazz

          I hate that picture. Barron is miserable, and would just like to go outside, wear normal kid clothes and play. No way are those his toys, and if they are, well, I’ll send him some Legos, so he can put them on daddy’s bedroom floor.

          • therblig

            i imagine him thinking “if this were a real lion, i’d be free”

        • Joe Beese

          The Spy Who Bought Me A Condo

      • greyXstar

        Is that…omg it’s completely carpeted! Could these people possibly be any more tacky??

  • Suse

    Oh, Spicey…

    • BosGrl

      I can’t wait to hear the spin on the G7/NATO summit.

      • Suse

        Here we go.

        • BosGrl

          hahahahahahaha – oh man

          • Vagenda and Pee-ara

            He’s talking about alt-Trump, who lives in an alt-universe, cause he sure ain’t talking about Trump’s visit to Europe, which was clearly a disaster. I say this because when our allies for 70 years say “suck it, America” that’s a pretty good sign that the president is an untrustworthy buffoon.

          • BosGrl

            The sad thing is, Drumpf probably really believes that’s what happened, that he was the star.

    • snark-lurker

      Are you swooning?

      • MynameisBlarney

        No swoon! No swoon! You’re the swoon!

        • snark-lurker

          *CRASH KERTHUMP*
          Who moved the fainting couch?!

      • Suse

        Laughing, actually.

      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        She’s just sick of all the winning. I know I am, too.

        • snark-lurker

          Is that why I feels dizzy-sick?

    • Ryan Denniston

      Such an impressive trip! Too bad the press will ask about nothing except for Jared, Russia, and his fucking twitter.

      • BosGrl

        Right. They need to push back on that fiction of a statement he just read.

  • greyXstar

    Shorter version: He really can’t read y’all.

    • Shoto

      To be fair, them big, fancy college words are part of the Libtard Agenda.™

      • greyXstar

        I don’t know what “polysyllabic” means, but it sounds disgusting!!

  • baconzinlove

    Sooooo. Trump’s intelligence briefings are filled with blinky things and Garbage Pail Kids stickers?

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      And Jared’s are focused primarily on Guongzhou real estate.

  • Suse

    Historic, extraordinary, prezidential!!!

    • Vagenda and Pee-ara

      Best. President. EVAH!!!! Everyone loves him, but also fears and respects him. Everyone is so tired of winning.

      • BreakingDeadMen

        So tired, tired of winning, tired of winning and Yooo–ooouuu

    • Ryan Denniston

      Who from Spicer’s family is Trump holding hostage?

  • La forza del resistino

    Spicey on tv reading his presentation with the speed of a 5th grader at the front of the class that needs to take a leak

  • Vagenda and Pee-ara

    I KNEW the first question would be “so, comrade, how soon did the president know that his son in law is a traitor?”

    • Ryan Denniston

      Excellent use of Kelly and McMaster as human shields!

  • Nockular cavity

    Shorter Pompeo: “President Trump, you are a most excellent smartest President, and please don’t send me into the cornfield, I’ll do whatever you say, I promise!”

  • Cat Cafe for the Investigation

    These quotes also read like a physician reporting on Grandma’s level of dementia.

  • Vagenda and Pee-ara

    I can’t wait for InfoWars to ask their totally non-partisan questions:
    1) Does the president ever get tired of being the best president ever?
    2) How does Trump manage to get so much hot ass?
    3) Is DJT the handsomest president ever?

    • BreakingDeadMen

      Does this tinfoil make my ass look big?

    • WotsAllThisThen

      4) Will no one rid you of this troublesome press?

      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        5) Why do we even need a press? We’ve got Breitbart, Fox, and InfoWars.

    • jesterpunk

      5) Mr president should we cup your balls when we blow you?

      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        6) As a follow up, when you’re fucking us, hard and with no lube, can you at least give us the courtesy of a reach around?

        • jesterpunk

          It’s infowars they will go along with it as long as it pisses off liberals.

      • Indivisible Snark Tank

        (The answer to this question is ALWAYS “yes,” no matter who’s asking or being asked.)

    • Master Contrail Program

      “Mr. Burns, errr, Trump? Your campaign seems to have the momentum of a runaway freight train. Why are you so popular?”

      “Pssst. The campaign has been over for awhile.”

      “I only read what’s on the cards. I’d hate to lose access.”

  • HorseChestnut

    Trump’s a builder like I’m Miss Florida.

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    The entire press corps should just ask variations of “What was the pope like?” and “Did you get to meet the pope?” for half an hour. We’d learn just as much, and it would be a hell of a lot more entertaining.

    • BreakingDeadMen

      How did it make you feel when you didn’t get to meet the Pope?

    • Serai 1

      It’d certainly be fun to watch the varied shades of purple Spice’s face would turn.

    • snark-lurker

      Too cruel even for this idiat.

      • BreakingDeadMen

        The Pope thing made me feel a twinge of sympathy for him.

        • Joe Beese

          If you sign up to work for a man notorious for humiliating his underlings, you deserve everything you get.

          • BreakingDeadMen

            Yeah, I know…if it was Kellyanne Cryptkeeper I would have just laughed.

          • Cliff Hendroval

            Leopards. Faces.

        • snark-lurker

          mee too but it quickly passed

    • borninatrailer

      “Who in this press corp has previously met the pope?”

      *several hands go up*

    • Notreelyhelping

      “Did you know that the Pope asked that you not be included?”

      • Joe Beese

        “Did you know that the Pope specifically excludes you from his prayers for mankind?”

    • Tiffany de Houston

      Great idea!

  • BosGrl

    Duterte question!!

    • BosGrl

      Never mind, the reporter just took that fucking answer. This pisses me off so much.

      • Serai 1

        I miss Helen Thomas 10x more with each passing day.

        • BosGrl

          Right? She would have chewed him up and spit him out. There are a lot of ballsy reporters I miss :(.

          • Serai 1

            After she died, the WH Press Corps lost its only set of balls. Now they’re all a bunch of dick-sucking wusses.

          • PubOption

            “I only take questions from tens, you’re about a minus three.”

  • laughingnome

    Spicey looks like Michael Douglas in Falling Down just before he snaps.

    • Serai 1

      Is his jaw rage-clenching yet? (I got not the TV thing, you know.)

      • laughingnome

        His molars are dust by now.

      • BosGrl

        Actually he looks kind of drawn and gaunt.

    • Anna Rompage

      Can senior White House aides bring weapons into the White House?

      • laughingnome

        Only inside of cakes.

        • Serai 1

          Not those cakes WE like, I hope.

        • BosGrl

          The ones we like?

          • laughingnome

            Ones we like very much. With votes.

    • Nockular cavity

      “What, now I’m the bad guy?”

      • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

        “You’re angry because you got lied to? Is that why my chicken dinner is drying out in the oven? Listen, pal, they lie to everyone. They lie to the fish. But that doesn’t give you any special right to do what you did today.”

    • Master Contrail Program

      I hope he doesn’t find his next soda to be overpriced.

  • Il Pagliaccio
    • BreakingDeadMen

      I get up, and nothing gets me down.
      You got it tough. I’ve seen the toughest all around.
      And I know, baby, just how you feel.
      You’ve got to roll with the punches to get to what’s real
      Oh can’t you see me standing here,
      I’ve got my back against the record machine
      I ain’t the worst that you’ve seen.
      Oh can’t you see what I mean?

    • Anna Rompage

      Any chance that someone could convince him to do the right thing for the world, and jump?

    • MynameisBlarney

      Damn…ya beat me by 3 minutes, lol

    • The Wanderer

      Issa no great surprise.

      • BosGrl

        –Father Guido Sarducci

        • The Wanderer

          And-a Cardinal-a Fungi!

  • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

    His briefs are written in Crayon.

  • MynameisBlarney
    • The Wanderer

      How many were yelling, “JUMP! JUMP! JUMP!”

    • MizzMazz

      Holy shit! Is he gonna jump?

      • borninatrailer

        Just taking pictures of various protesters’ cars for future grand theft.

        • MizzMazz

          Yeah, what do they call that when they take people’s property for no reason, whether you’re convicted or not?

          • eggsacklywright

            Nazism.

          • MizzMazz

            Oh yeah, THAT was the word I was looking for!

      • Serai 1

        PFFT. We should be so lucky.

        • MizzMazz

          There is no PM on Disqus, but I want to say I am sorry for being nasty to you the other day. It was a bad day, and I was out of line.

          • Serai 1

            ‘Sokay! I have awful days myself and tend to blow up at people. I understand. :)

          • MizzMazz

            Thank you. I am trying to be better.

    • Pre-existing Ugly Dude

      Jump, you fucker!

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      Did he set something on fire as a distraction?

    • Serai 1

      Nothing garners my contempt like a fucking coward.

    • msanthropesmr

      Looking for a gas can and some matches to set it alight.

    • Steve Cole

      If only we could tree LaMalfa…

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      Jump!

  • ken_kukec

    Typical Sean Spicer press conference:

    Answer to question 1: “The White House has nothing to say about that.”

    Answer to all subsequent questions: “My previous answer covered that fully.”

    • BosGrl

      Yeah, his pressers are always a complete waste of time.

      • Joe Beese

        So are most car races. But people keep showing up, hoping to see a crash.

      • ken_kukec

        “We’re not denying it; we just haven’t been forced to admit this one yet.”

        “Jared will cooperate fully with the investigation, but the rest of us are taking the Fifth as to what he’ll say.”

  • Vagenda and Pee-ara

    Spicey “Don’t worry, America will finally be getting the tax cuts on the wealthy we’ve been crying out for, while simultaneously yanking 24 million people off of health care.” Progress!

  • Suse

    Germany – an important ally!

    • BosGrl

      I’m so tired.

    • jesterpunk

      Wait didn’t Turnip say Germany was evil?

      • Suse

        You’re taking his remarks out of context!11!!!

        • jesterpunk

          Damn I need a scorecard or something to know when to take him seriously or literally.

      • Ωbjectifier

        Some are good people, presumably.

  • Vagenda and Pee-ara

    Spicey “Angela Merket TOTALLY loves Donald Trump, like everyone else in America. Also, I refuse to answer your questions that I deem to be partisan attacks, so don’t ask me anything other than ‘is Donald Trump the best president ever?'”

  • Ωbjectifier

    And he demands brevity. Compactness, succinctness, pithiness. But not too expensive. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/edb2ef8b2d115791521cd6a5697a2b3903613449ae37909d66eff274a90af8e5.gif

    • The Wanderer

      PENG!

      • Indivisible Snark Tank

        Icki icki icki pa-tang w…..

        • The Wanderer

          IT!

  • Suse

    I want someone to ask him why he didn’t get to see Pope Frank.

  • MynameisBlarney
    • MizzMazz

      Yes, you are an anti-Semite and a piece of shit. Go rot somewhere.

    • Anna Elizabeth, Tank Grrl

      JFC. I was engrossed in history lectures about World War 2 today, but we’re going to have to defeat the Nazis all over again.

      • Hollandaise

        and again, and again, and again, and again…

    • BadKitty904

      Demented has-been game-show host sez wat?

    • Joe Beese

      We expect so much better from our game show hosts.

    • laughingnome

      When is he running for Senate from Alabama?

    • The Wanderer

      Woolery wouldn’t know a Communist if he walked past him with a hammer and sickle. Most Communists think Sanders is a Republican.

    • greyXstar

      I refuse to believe Chuck Woolery is still alive.

      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        That was my first question – “how is a dead man Tweeting?”

    • UnsaltedSinner

      So let’s see. So far he has said that Karl Marx and Lenin were Jews (Lenin was not a Jew, and both men were atheists) and that Bernie is a Jew and communist. What is that — 1 out of 4 points?

      • The Wanderer

        “One out of four. Ooh, gee, I’m sorry Chuck. I’m afraid you lose both the game and your youngest child.”

      • therblig

        5:00 in – “…but Marx wasn’t a German, Marx was a Jew”

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l3s7PSjuCtE

    • Jennifer R

      If you have to start your sentence with “not to stir the pot” stirring the pot was the only point of your statement.

    • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

      Chuck, take two and two to think about it.

    • UnsaltedSinner
    • NastyBossetti

      What is the context of this tweet? Is someone saying Bernie Sanders is not Jewish? Is someone saying you can’t be Jewish and Communist? Why does Chuck Woolery think anyone cares?

    • Serai 1

      No, you’re not fucking correct, you ignorant shithead. COMMUNISM AND SOCIALISM ARE NOT THE SAME THING.

      http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v123/Serai/Comment%20pics/pics/animals/whystilltalking.jpg

    • sadboy

      Now I must surrender my nostalgia and replace his photo with Pat Sajak’s in my secret Wheel of Fortune shrine.

  • Mpeg

    I’m trying to recall all the childhood tasks that involved my learning a song or gimmick about completing them. They were: 1.) tying shoelaces (pull the bunny ear through the other bunny ear; 2.) turning the faucet lefty loosey “on” or righty-tighty “off”; 3.) Button, Button, Who’s Got the Button; 4.) Little rabbit in the woods [with hand motions]; 5.) “Anything you can do/ I can do better” because actually, none of these have to do with real tasks do they.
    So yeah, I’m increasingly worried for our president’s ability to process the responsibilities. Maybe one of his handlers is really good at shadow puppets?

    • BosGrl

      So the WH needs to hire a nursery school teacher?

    • msanthropesmr

      What?

    • msanthropesmr

      Oh. I remember one by the tinklers, don’t stick your finger in the fan.

    • Jamoche

      Don’t forget Schoolhouse Rock. A year ago everything I knew about politics came from there.

      I miss those days.

      • Still more educated than the average Trumperkin

  • UnsaltedSinner
    • Vagenda and Pee-ara

      That sane people can’t believe we have an idiot president who pissed all of our allies off?

      • greyXstar

        He’s right. I don’t believe it.

  • msanthropesmr

    Hey everyone! Cohen is now involved in this whole mess!

    • Suse

      Good!

    • The Wanderer

      Cohen bring him in then!

      • Serai 1

        He’s gotta take that Cohen off his head first.

  • BosGrl

    Ugh, ask Spicey if the President understands how trade with the EU works?

  • BadKitty904

    OT: Thanks, GOP!

    New Research Shows Reversal of Civil Rights Era Gains
    http://news.psu.edu/story/469583/2017/05/24/research/new-research-shows-reversal-civil-rights-era-gains

    • The Wanderer

      No shit. Really?

    • this right here is why the purity ponies can shut the fuck up. We are now literally losing ground on Civil Rights.
      Perspective.

      • Jennifer R

        The purity ponies are almost exclusively white men, THIS IS THEIR GOAL.

        • Good point.

          • Jennifer R

            There is a reason why Bernie Bros all look like the asshole republican frat boys from Animal House.

          • Ratfuckers, true believers, or a lil from both?

          • Serai 1

            Yes.

          • Serai 1

            Flip sides of the same rotten coin.

        • Serai 1

          Yep. Everyone should listen to them BECAUSE THEY ARE THE BESTEST AND SMARTEST. All the womens and blahs and browns are just NOT GOOD ENUF KAY?

        • laineypc

          I think of them more as scared little boys.

    • Vagenda and Pee-ara

      There’s no reason for affirmative action. Racism is dead in America. Trump’s the best president. No Russia! No Russia! You’re the Russian!

  • Suse

    Unbelievably qualified cabinet!

    • jowgajen

      It’s definitely unbelievable.

      • BosGrl

        We really are living in 1984. Remember the first time you read it and you were like, wow? It is here.

        • BadKitty904
          • therblig

            bannon’s setting jared up for the 2 minutes’ hate.

          • BadKitty904

            He wishes.

          • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

            “It’s time for the two minutes ‘bate!”

            –Trumpkin household

        • Serai 1

          No. This is not Oceania. It could be headed that way, but that is not where we are now. Oceania was indestructible. We can still save this country.

          • BosGrl

            I hope you’re right, because I’m feeling doom and gloom.

          • Serai 1

            I feel it every day, hon. In fact, I’m fairly sure this shit is why I’ve developed acid reflux disease. But looking at Orwell actually gives me hope, because we’re really not even near that yet. We can go out in the street and yell at the politicians and make protests and communicate online and all manner of things that would get you hauled in and tortured nearly to death in Oceania. And there are lots of other countries where democraxy is thriving, as well, whereas in Nineteen Eighty Four, there were none – the entire world was locked into a death grip. That is not where we are. There’s a lot more hope than we might think.

            Fuerza!

            https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/95471d7b8bbf992405dc290ad97ec520a55a33051192407ee84fab1b65cc9b3b.gif

        • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

          Should be required reading before you can get a driver’s license. Also, a visit to a Concentration Camp Memorial.

    • Jerry Noneofyourbizz
  • BosGrl

    OMFG Sean – seriously?? The president did a GREAT JOB at NATO?

    • Sean is trying to have positive press. If it does not exist, make it up!
      What did he say when the press laughed and asked what up with the Nato guys all dissin Trump then?

    • Joe Beese

      Depends on whose agenda he was serving, doesn’t it.

    • OrG

      No lie too big!

    • Vagenda and Pee-ara

      I think everyone needs to start talking about how strong and handsome Macron is at the next NATO summit. It will drive tiny hands absolutely crazy.

    • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

      Well, relative to not just dropping trou and mooning everyone…

    • BadKitty904

      Not for America, he didn’t.

    • baconzinlove

      “Great job” is such a relative term.

      • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

        “Awesome gag reflex control, you’ve got there!”

        • laineypc

          That’s what he said.

    • eggsacklywright

      Unbelievably great.

    • Serai 1

      Well, yeah. Wasn’t it his intention to puff up his chest and growl at all the leaders and demand they pay their extortion debts? HE DID IT DIDN’T HE?

  • WotsAllThisThen

    So Spicey’s one example of fake news is the retracted earpiece story?

  • Suse

    Fake nooz that the Prezidunce flipped off the Italian PM, huh?

    • BosGrl

      It was a mistake. Which I saw plenty of backtracking. Even Olbermann said stop repeating that. A mistake is different than “fake news”, Spicey!

    • MynameisBlarney

      Wait…what?
      I was infrommed nothing exciting happened this weekend.

      • BosGrl

        It was reported that while the Italian PM was speaking, Drumpf wasn’t listening to the English interpreter, but apparently he had an ear bud in the ear that wasn’t visible to the press or something. There was plenty of retraction of this.

  • Suse

    He’s bailing! What a wuss.

    • jesterpunk

      Check the bushes.

      • TundraGrifter

        Isn’t that the President’s job?

        • eggsacklywright

          Bushgrabber.

        • Serai 1

          HA. Now I’ve got a mental picture of Twitler grabbing some pussy and finding Sean Spicer already in there.

    • greyXstar

      Wait. What??

      • WotsAllThisThen

        Rode his podium into the sunset.

        • greyXstar

          Know what? He’d have my unending love if he actually did that one day.

        • MizzMazz

          Maybe they could all have motorised podiums and do something like this:

          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j0_EqlsH7bE

          • MynameisBlarney

            I had that as a kid.
            For about 2 months.
            After breaking a few vases and whatnot with it, it mysteriously disappeared.

          • MizzMazz

            Mom would never get that for me >:(. I was lucky to get Hot Wheels

          • MynameisBlarney

            It probably would have been fine if I hadn’t discovered that you could do without that rip cord thingy and just “rev” them up WAY too much my holding onto them as you repeatedly roll them over the ground to get that little motor thing really screaming then let it go.
            Little things would haul ass that way.

          • MizzMazz

            I think one of the reasons I had a kid was so I could play with toys again. I think I was more excited about getting a slip and slide than my son was.

          • doktorzoom

            I had that set AND the bonus smash-up GMC pickup truck. There was one other that mom wouldn’t go for, because why on earth did I need them all, I was just one kid.

            Edit: Looked it up — it was a VW bug.

  • eggsacklywright

    Aaaannnd….Spicey flees the scene.

    • Suse

      He can’t take it. He’s on the verge of breaking down.

      • BosGrl

        Yeah, he didn’t look good. I think you’re right.

    • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

      I dunno why – he’s gonna get raked over the coals for not throwing reporters to the ground like that big tough “Montana” man.

    • When reporters asked a question bad, he bravely turned his tail and fled
      In the bushes you can scout where brave Sir Spicey chickened out

      • BosGrl

        He never did! All lies!

      • BearDeLaOursistance

        If someone turned Trump into Newt, we’d get better.

      • Ωbjectifier

        Sir Spicey was eaten, and there was much rejoicing.

        • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

          yay.

    • Pre-Existing Condition Jack
  • WotsAllThisThen

    Extra points for whoever shouted after him, “Is Kushner fake news?”

  • Ricky Gay

    Visualize Whirled Peas!

  • cosmiccowgirl

    I would need to look at a map, too . . . because I don’t know where all those countries are and am therefore not qualified to be president. Could we have a world map quiz as a requirement for getting on the ballot?

    • Jamoche

      There are over 190 of them – I have the Sporcle quiz site badge for finding them all. Don’t ask me to do it again – those tiny island nations are a PITA to find.

      • cosmiccowgirl

        I recently challenged myself to learn all the countries of the world (identify them on a map). So far I have mastered North America! Which was not as easy as it sounds because, like you said, all those tiny islands are a pain!

  • Jennifer R

    Good fuck, even Baghdad Bob had standards compared to spicehead.

    • Suse

      Favorite BB line:”Your stomachs will roast in hell!”

      • UncleTravelingMatt

        Funny, it’s my least favorite BBQ line.

    • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

      He keeps it up and Loki’s gonna come after him for muscling in on his territory.

  • Jamoche

    The Onion’s Denny’s Kids Meal placemats are barely an exaggeration at all. Working there these days must be tough.

  • Everrett Fanuelli

    So our President has accommodations in his IEP?

    • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

      Don’t tell Betsy Dumbass.

    • Teto85

      And modifications.

    • godsaidHA

      EXACTLY what I was thinking (former special ed. teacher here)

  • The Wanderer

    “Intel McNuggets,” Dok?
    Are they served with a side of the McDonalds Mulan Szechuan Teriyaki Dipping Sauce?

    • msanthropesmr

      You got it Morty.

    • greyXstar

      9 seasons Donald Trump!

      • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

        and together, we’re gonna run around. We’re gonna do all kinds of wonderful things. The outside world is our enemy.

  • UnsaltedSinner

    I guess intelligence briefings in the White House now sound almost like this.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-8T4Rr9Z6uc

    (Yes, there is a Fry & Laurie sketch for every occasion.)

    • BosGrl

      hahahaha perfect

    • Teto85

      I am so glad my daughters decided to go to Cambridge.

    • Debbie the Unpaid Protester

      Love these guys

  • Lyly Sirivong

    Are we supposed to applaud ? Pfft.

    • jesterpunk
    • ichthyopteryx
      • Serai 1

        I’m surprised Moe didn’t put on a tiny little moustache for that.

        • ichthyopteryx

          If you watch the entirety of the short, you’ll find that he actually did (accidentally, tho) in an earlier scene. ;)

          • Serai 1

            I used to watch these after school when I was a kid, but it’s been a lot of years since I saw a whole short of theirs.

      • tomamitai

        Is that the one where they escape from nazis by hanging a picture of hitler on Curly’s ass, which the nazis have to stop and heil every time he bends over?

        • ichthyopteryx

          That’s a different short, I believe; forgot the title tho.

  • whitroth

    I notice that he left out the really, really important part of the “killer graphics” – where they insert pics of Trumpolini into them, so he’ll look at them. Wonder if they’re playing “Where’s Trumpo?” in the graphics….

  • Resistance Fighter Astraea
  • Me not sure
  • UncleTravelingMatt
  • Toomush_Inferesistance

    “Okay, Mr. President of the America! Let’s prime the killer pump!”….

  • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

    “He likes to visualize things,” said a senior administration official. “The guy’s a builder. He has spent his whole life looking at architectural renderings and floor plans.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/74d367f5504c28f5d75b2c5228711fe6f6d742f73a696a2d93a95fe86855788d.jpg

    • Ferroequinologist Ron

      ♬ ‘Gonna build a mountain… In my livin’ room!’ ♬

    • Noxious Resistance

      “This means something!”

  • Vagenda and Pee-ara

    When Spicer was talking about the president being tired of fake news from unnamed sources, which president was he referring to? Was he talking about the guy who claimed another sitting president was born in Kenya, and that he’d been wire “tapped” by the same president?

  • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

    Spicey quoted known 45 stooge Newt during his presser. Was anyone fooled? Of course not.

    Hope Hicks gave a little statement about how 45 radiates, exudes, glows, some bullshit like that. He oozes, that’s better, 45 oozes a lot of things and some may be decent.

    Coming straight off his magical mystery tour and karaoke contest at Arlington, with threats against the golden calf child, Jared and his alleged (real, it’s actually real and not alleged at all) contacts with Sergie (sp?) Kislyak BEFORE the election, could an end to this national (global) tragedy finally be in view? Probably not, but we can dream, damnit!

    Then there’s strange things afoot on DJTs twitter. Folks be gettin’ capped, figuratively, from his feed. The annual purge has commenced and don’t be sad because for every critic silenced by DJT, there are a million brand, spankin’ new, shiny, mail order twitter followers who JUST set up accounts like, a second ago. A million? A hundred million? 3 trillion? Who knows? What we do know is that it’s more people than attended the inauguration and maybe more than actually voted for him, if you don’t count all the 400 lb guys. . . from Macedonia.

    And a good time was had by all.

    Yay.

  • canes_pugnaces

    Why not put the briefings in a Cracker Jack box with a tiny little prize at the bottom that he can hold in his tiny little hands. Or a fortune cookie.

    Again, I’d like to take this opportunity to thank all the nice white nationalists for making America Russia again.

  • Nephilim
  • chazmanr

    “He has spent his whole life looking at architectural renderings and floor plans.”

    He doesn’t understand the renderings or floor plans, he just likes to look at pictures.

    • Jamoche

      He checks to make sure his name is the most prominent feature and then he’s done.

      • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

        His greatest success as a businessman is whoring his name out, the whole family, for that matter.

  • alpacapunchbowl

    My 8-month old nephew is teething and he’s more reasonable than Dolt 45. More curious and smarter also too.

  • Vagenda and Pee-ara

    Someone (David Jolly) was ripping Trump a new asshole on CNN. He was saying he’s an extraordinarily weak president, who was a disaster in Europe. I was wondering who he was, and he’s a former REPUBLICAN congressman from Florida. I love that a few Republicans are willing to tell the truth about Trump.

    • Serai 1

      Love? I can only react with a great big TOOK YOU FUCKING LONG ENOUGH ASSHOLE.

      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        Wait…I’m the asshole, or Jolly is?

        • He’s a Jolly Asshole :D

        • Serai 1

          No, no. The GOPper.

          • Vagenda and Pee-ara

            OK, good, because I was going to have to downvote you if you said it was me. :-)

      • This. They are just trying to distance themselves before people realize it was their fuckery for decades that lead to this

    • The Wanderer

      Believe me, as soon as the wind shifts Jolly will be fighting the others to lap at Trump’s toes.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      As a FORMER Floriduh GOPper, Jolly no longer has to suck up to the knuckledraggers who voted for him.

      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        Bizarrely, he was replaced by Charlie (Gay RINO) Crist. Apparently his constituents weren’t super conservative.

    • ltmcdies

      Well they know who’s going to be wearing this shit down the road

      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        When he leaves office with a 10% approval rating, they’ll say “he was a RINO anyway” just like they did with Bush. Meanwhile, his policies are no different than any of the other idiots who were in the GOP’s clown car.

    • tomamitai

      I love that a few Republicans are willing to tell the truth about Trump.

      Let’s hope that a lot more republicans become willing to tell the truth about Trump after the ’18 elections.

      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        Let’s hope there will be fewer Republicans after this year. I mean if this dolt doesn’t wake them up, who, or what, will?

      • JustDon’tSayNATO

        And in the ’17 hearings.

  • DrBigHead

    So, is 10:30 when he finally shows up to work?

    • Vagenda and Pee-ara

      Define “work.”

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Sitting there while people who know stuff listen, talk, decide what to do, and try to figure out how to get him to do it.

    • And he is done by 3 pm mind you. With a nice 2 hour lunch

    • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

      he gets more done before 8:15 at night than most presidents do in half an hour.

    • Poly_Ester

      Gotta get there in time for lunch!

  • DainBramage
  • Kiri the Unicorn

    “He likes to visualize things,” said a senior administration official. “The guy’s a builder.”

    https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/51JG3GaCiaL.jpg

  • William
  • azeyote
    • Mintie

      You don’t say?

  • JohnW

    Overtime I hear that trump says he is smart, I think of Otto: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2j3adcbEwSM

    • Mintie

      The problem here is Otto has potential. He managed to squeak out “apologize” without choking on his own tongue. I’m not as optimistic about Trump.

  • Ferroequinologist Ron

    ‘“He likes to visualize things,” said a senior administration official. “The guy’s a builder.”‘
    No, I’m a builder. I used to build components for houses, and I’ve swung a hammer on a building site or two. Still got my tool belt and framing hammer. Donnie is not a builder. He is someone who stares at architectural renderings with zero comprehension of how they’re actually constructed.

    • UnsaltedSinner

      And then he says: “Add more gold here.”

      • ichthyopteryx

        …or “My name is not yooge enough here.”

    • pat tolle

      @Ferroequinologist Ron- I agree he’s not a builder he’s a grifter who likes to put his name, and his “brand” on projects that are already complete or near completion, I too still have my 32 oz. Vaughn framing hammer, though not my belt and a former business partner who could look at a set of blueprints and see a 3D wire frame of the completed project.This man has once beaten pancreatic cancer and now has a chance to make it 2 for 2. He’s got all my best wishes and positive energy. Because I love him like a brother and I’d like the opportunity to brag him up to other folks.

  • nightmoth

    “you inherit the world and its problems when you’re president of the United States”

    Angela Merkel basically said she can’t trust us anymore, and she’s getting closer to India. I will sleep easier at night if our allies start shunning us with regards to sharing information and making internationally important decisions. With Trump at the helm, we need to be isolated like a contagion. Then there will be some nice places left in the world when we get rid of this idiot.

    • phoenix00

      One can only wonder about what Israel now thinks….

  • shivaskeeper

    I used to get daily security briefings. Granted they were tactical briefings for the most part and not strategic level like the President would get, but graphics weren’t really part of them. They get in the way of the information unless they are relevant to the intelligence at hand.

    Follow up questions were pretty much a given even with lower level Intel, so good job there I guess. The thing is you have to know enough to ask the right questions. The briefers tend to stick to the facts with no asides unless asked. If you don’t ask the right questions you will not get he right info.

  • Portia McGonagal

    Surely with all the tee vee machines he has they could put Schoolhouse Rock on one and Fisher Price could do a global play set with little figurines for all the world leaders.

    • ichthyopteryx

      Maybe that’s why they’re asking for the additional budget…

    • Cock Blockula

      OK, that would be just adorable.

      We should help design the World Leader Weebles (oops, Hasbro, not Fisher-Price).

      • Portia McGonagal

        Trump’s Weeble slogan would have to be “Weebles wobble but they don’t walk and ride a golf cart”

  • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

    “He’ll challenge analytic lines that we’ll present, which is again completely appropriate.”

    Like “Are you SURE this is another BORING time we can’t we use nuclear weapons? BOOORING”

  • Me not sure

    OT : Has anybody actually seen real footage of Trump riding along behind the other G-7
    leaders in a golf cart as they took a 700 yard walk to a photo op in Taormina, Italy?
    Leading from behind? Sta-mi-na?

    • whitroth

      Really? I hadn’t heard that. Gee, I wonder what his physical condition *really* is.

      I know, he’s a false flag operation, They *knew* he was in bad shape, and when he resigns for medical reason (or collapses), then Pence gets in….

      • Me not sure

        It could happen.

      • Like on Star Trek, they’ll just keep giving Trump shots of pure amphetamine until his weak glands just give out 😁

    • no i just heard it described. and it was just macron and trudeau speaking french as the walked downhill.

    • 700 yards? That’s almost 2100 feet. No Obese American’t has ever walked that far! 😁

  • Johnny Appleseed

    “The cow goes MOOOOO.” hysterically appropriate for this juvenile dolt of a fraud.

  • Raan

    I feel like, when competent world leaders (so basically just Macron and Merkel) get their foreign policy briefings, they lead off with the question “What’s Trump done now?”.

    Did YOU hack the DNC? Can you prove you didn’t?

    I would like to plead incompetence.

    • Alexander Stallwitz

      I blame my Spilt Personality Mr Robot

    • phoenix00

      I shot the sheriff, but didn’t kill no deputy.

    • Regret

      Most of the non-political world also opens the international page/section of their papers/news with that question. Occasionally prefaced by ‘oh no,’

  • Internet Hitler

    Be sure to use his name as often as possible and throw in some killer graphics when the impeachment papers are produced.

  • javadavis

    Isn’t giving this guy a thorough intelligence briefing sort of like giving your toddler your genuine Ming vase to play with, i.e., just f-ing asking for the crash? If our intelligence agencies are truly competent they should currently be giving him the version of intelligence designed to just keep him away from the gas storage facility with his f-ing lit cee-gar he carries around because he thinks it makes him look cool, figuratively speaking.

  • andyshelt
    • Teto85

      And then he took a cookie break and a nap.

    • God Emperor Emeritus

      You’ve seen The Onion version?

    • “I Can Read With My Eyes Shut”

      By Donald Trump

  • weejee

    I’m amazed that tRump had the attention span to move beyond morning kindergarten, much less a bullpuckylauriate from Penn.

  • President in Exile Firefly

    Saaaay, you know who else likes “very oral, interactive discussion?”

    • Doug Langley

      Linda Lovelace?

    • SeeTrain65

      Not going there.

    • phoenix00

      My dentist?

  • Paperless Tiger

    The dossier says the hackers were Aleksei Gubarov and Seva Kapsugovich. Maybe they weigh four hundred pounds together.

    • phoenix00

      Are you sure it’s not Fiona Volpe, Solitaire, May Day, Xenia Onatopp, and Vesper Lynd?

  • i’mjustaskingthequestion

    Fuck…as an alcoholic I don’t even get booze. Sad!

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