Bad news for people named Muffy and Hunter! For all the rich upper middle-class folks who held their noses and voted for Donald Trump, because A) tax cut orgasms! and B) BUT HER EMAILS, we regret to inform you that Trump is an idiot who has no idea how trade works, and he also wants to take your precious BMW away from you. How will your friends know you have money if you can’t roll up in a brand new 7 Series? What will the neighbors think? Will you even get your picture taken in the society pages if you drive up to the charity gala in your mom’s Grand Am?
Trump was meeting with leaders of the European Union in Brussels, and he looked EU Commissioner Jean-Claude Juncker in the face and said the following:
“The Germans are bad, very bad,” Trump told EU Commissioner Jean-Claude Juncker and European Council president Donald Tusk, according to German news magazine Der Spiegel.
The “very bad” translation comes from the Cambridge Dictionary, anyway. Google Translate says Trump’s comments actually translate to “evil, very evil.”
Man, he hates Angela Merkel SO MUCH, probably because she’s a strong woman and strong women remind him of his own fledgling masculinity. Anyway, here is the part about cars:
“Look at the millions of cars they’re selling in the US. Terrible. We will stop this,” Trump reportedly said of the Germans.
He is going to stop this madness! For the record, Audi, Mercedes-Benz, Volkswagen and Porsche are also German cars, so Trump’s country club supporters can enjoy not having those anymore, if Trump’s plans succeed. (Hahaha, Donald Trump does not have “plans,” let us not be silly.)
MSNBC pointed out this morning that while Germany manufactures many cars and exports them to America, German car production IN THE UNITED STATES has actually gone way up. Yes, they make cars here! As NBC’s Bradd Jaffy noted on Twitter, Volkswagen has a plant in Tennessee and Mercedes has a plant in Alabama and BMW has a plant in South Carolina. So if Trump’s going to get all tough on the Germans for being very bad and evil and selling their vroom vroom machines to overgrown fraternity boys who are now “investment bankers” because Daddy got them a job, then he MIGHT also kill off AMERICAN JOBS building German cars. (But again, Trump doesn’t have “plans,” because he’s a know-nothing moron who is bad at business.)
Also yes, we do have a trade deficit with Germany, but, well, the United States is huge and Germany has about a quarter of our population, so it stands to reason that we’d buy more shit from them than they do from us. And when you are the country that makes BMWs and Audis, it’s probably pretty hard to interest the Germans in a fleet of our finest Dodge Grand Caravans, we are just saying. But the Germans do buy a lot of shit from us — ‘SPENSIVE shit:
Oh golly, we have forgotten to mention that Germany doesn’t actually HAVE a trade deal with the United States, as we noted when Merkel held her nose and came to America to meet Trump. We negotiate with the European Union. Maybe Trump could read a fucking book and learn a thing before he opens his talking slit and embarrasses America any more.
Speaking of embarrassing America, Trump spoke in Brussels to NATO leaders at an event celebrating Article 5, the mutual defense treaty that’s basically THE ENTIRE POINT of NATO. He failed to show support for Article 5 and instead bitched about how all the other countries need to pay up if they want America’s help. The world leaders present stood and tried to suppress horrified giggles as they watched Trump, who doesn’t even understand how NATO works (kind of like how he doesn’t know how trade works!), trying to explain NATO.
If you missed it, watch it here!
To the rest of the entire world: America is so very sorry that you are having to deal with this president. It is a quirk of our electoral system and most of us did not want this. We promise we will get through it and next time we’ll elect an actual adult human being as president, and we can all be pals again.
Meanwhile, if our NATO allies happen to have any really fun incriminating intelligence on Trump, now would be a hilarious time to leak it.
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