JK. LOLOLOLOLOL. Those bastards deserve every second of what’s coming to them! So here’s your daily dose of…
ZOMGGGG!!! These People Are Losing Their Shit!!!
This episode is brought to you by Foreign Policy Magazine.
Try to remember all the way back to Monday, when we found out that The Presiderp was whispering sweet Code Word classified secrets from a foreign ally into Ambassador Kislyak’s ear.
“Sergei,” he said, “my intelligence goes all night long. The Israelis showed us how to do this thing with laptops that will blow your mind.”
Your Editrix broke it to you gently that night.
Then the White House trotted out Spicey and McMaster, but that just made it worse. Turns out denying a story “as written” is the same as confirming it. Go figure!
Team Trump was also GRRRRR, SO MAD because they couldn’t just call down to Homeland Security and say, “Get me the name of every scary Middle Easterner in the Kalorama neighborhood of DC!”
Members of Trump’s inner circle are apparently angry with the department for refusing to share certain classified information with White House staffers, because they lack proper clearances — a roadblock the White House insists doesn’t exist, because it has the president’s signoff.
On Wednesday Team Trump had A IDEA!
What if they found evidence that the Obama administration had leaked to the Russians, too! That would make it all okay, because then Trump would be just balancing the scales. The media would bow down in gratitude for such a fine and credible story, Congress would launch 978 investigations, and they could get back to stealing from the poor in peace!
One option under consideration? Attack former President Barack Obama and his administration over their handling of sensitive data, in particular through one information-sharing program regarding cybersecurity threats.
Since there is NO LOGICAL EXPLANATION for what came next, we are guessing it went something like this:
It was after Barron’s bedtime, and anyway he was in New York. So Stephen Miller called down to Homeland Security and said, “Do you ever computertalk with furriners from Not America?” And the career civil servant on the other end said, “Yes, we have this wonderful program called Automated Indicator Sharing. It’s an online registry of known hackers shared by several countries to keep the internet safe.” And then all the Trump flacks shouted, “Caught ya, Nerd! We knew you Obama deep state holdovers were the real leakers.” And then Trump chimed in, “No Puppet! You’re the Puppet!”
According to a source with knowledge of a White House meeting that took place Wednesday morning, Trump’s team is considering launching an investigation into a Department of Homeland Security program that shares information on cyberattacks in an effort to coordinate globally on countering digital threats, insinuating that it inappropriately opened up streams of sensitive data to Russia and other nonallies. Another option under consideration is placing a story in the media about the program, similarly accusing it of sharing sensitive information.
It was gonna be sweeeet! Once they launched an investigation of all the data Obama had leaked, the House would chase it like a labrador going after a tennis ball. And it would be a good excuse to “clean house” at DHS, get rid of those pesky leakers and bring in some patriots who know how to Build A Wall around the internet. Maybe they could even get that 400 lb guy on a bed to pay for it!
While there is some cybersecurity information that the United States shares around the globe, including with Russia and China, “there’s certain information out there that’s beneficial for everyone to have, like, ‘Hey, this Windows program has a bug.’ When we share cybersecurity information with the Russians, we’re protecting their systems, making sure that no one hijacks their planes and missiles.”
This might be an odd time to launch a witch hunt against the department in charge of protecting the country from cyber threats. Just last week the entire world was hit by the Wanna Cry ransomware attack. Sure, it shut down computer systems in hospitals, railroads and telecoms across Europe. But there are political points to be scored, dammit!
Luckily, the adults put the kibosh on this fuckery. By the time FP contacted the White House for comment, they denied any such conversation ever took place. Which might mean something if they hadn’t spent the past 120 days lying out their asses.
The administration’s approach in this instance is a “bag of crazy cats,” the source with knowledge of the meeting said.
Another source close to the White House confirmed to FP that Trump and his team have been interested in targeting the Homeland Security program for the past couple weeks. Nothing has been decided, the source added, but it’s an option on the table.
So, here’s your Nicetime for today. There is actually something so stupid and vindictive that the White House won’t do it. Yay??????
We’ll be here this weekend keeping an eye on the Moron Squad. Please help us keep the lights on.