Coming up with new and exciting conspiracy theories is an exhausting business if there ever was one. Hell — it’s almost a Rule 34 kind of thing. If you can imagine a conspiracy theory, you can probably also find someone who literally believes in it. For instance, just now I thought to myself “What if there are people who think gnomes are real?”
Surprise! There are people who think gnomes are real.
And people who think STIs are not.
I play this game pretty often, as I am a super cool human person with a very full life. In a way, it has given me a strange sort of appreciation for what Alex Jones does, on account of the fact that it is actually really hard to come up with a weird conspiracy theory that no one else has come up with yet.
But given this difficulty, they can’t all be winners. For every “They’re turning the frogs gay!” there’s a dud. And I gotta say, this most recent one, a collaboration with Roger Stone, is not terribly exciting.
On Jones’s show this week, he and Roger Stone decided to ponder the hairstyle decisions of several dudes in the CIA — namely the fact that they all had shaved heads. Which may or may not mean, per Jones, that they are leather daddies.
Transcript via Media Matters:
ROGER STONE: I want to raise this question, though. Why is it that General [James] Mattis, General [H.R.] McMaster, John Brennan, formerly of the CIA, Michael Hayden, formerly of the CIA, and James Clapper. Why do these guys all have shaved heads?
ALEX JONES (HOST): Because that’s part of being a leather daddy.
STONE: Is it some secret club or something that they’re in? I mean, it defies the odds of coincidence, that every one of these guys have the same kind of look. There it is. Extraordinary. By the way [McMaster’s] smirk at the end of this kind of gives the whole thing away.
JONES: He looks like he could suck a golf ball through a garden hose.
(He is talking about sucking on penises.)
Stone — who actually was in a secret leather daddy club — is trying so hard to jump on the conspiracy bandwagon, with his “Why do they all have shaved heads?” crap that it is almost kind of adorable. Secret clubs for CIA dudes with shaved heads though? That doesn’t seem very exciting. And leather daddies? Kinda mundane. Like, a bunch of CIA guys being in a secret leather daddy bald guy club has to be one of the least sketchy things a conspiracy theorist could come up with. They might as well accuse them of having tupperware parties at this point.
It’s kind of unfortunate, really, because the fictional world is full of fascinating bald dude conspiracies.
For instance, on the seminal 1990s teen soap opera “Swan’s Crossing,” there were a bunch of bald Russian spies that were referred to as “baldies.”
What were they up to? Why were they bald? What kind of spies go around spying on teenage dramz? No one knows, because the show was canceled pretty quickly. But it was probably something way more exciting than a Secret CIA Leather Daddy Club.
Then, on “Fringe,” there were all the bald dudes from the future who traveled through time just observing stuff.
If I were in charge of the “Why are all the CIA dudes bald???” conspiracy theory, I totally would have come up with something more like that than dumb ol’ “Secret CIA Leather Daddy Club.” Like, obviously Mattis, McMaster, Brennan are time traveling spies from the future who are overly invested in the career of a pre-Buffy Sarah Michelle Gellar and also came here to save Pacey from “Dawson’s Creek” from drowning as a child. ALL THE BALD DUDES ARE THE SAME PERSON OMG.
Perhaps Jones is just not on top of his game these days, what with his child custody case and having to apologize to Greek yogurt and what have you. I’d like to think that he’d be able to come up with something better if he really tried. I mean, come on — they could at least be lizard people.