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It was the last golden moments of the Trump Administration BM (Before Mueller). After Vanky smashed his phone Tuesday night, she gave him a couple of her “prescription vitamin tablets” to build up his strength. That’s why they made her special assistant to the President — she always knows how to make it better! She smoothed his hair and kissed his owies, then packed him off to give a commencement speech that the Coast Guard Academy will never forget!

The Coast Guard’s motto is Semper Paratus, Always Ready. But is anyone really ready for Trump? How does one prepare to sweat through dress whites in the sun while being bombarded with 30 minutes of whining and derp from a draft-dodging egomaniac? Hats off to you, ensigns!

First he wowed them with 20 minutes of platitudes in his signature 15-year-old-who-never-read-the-book-and-is-trying-to-stretch-the-paper style. Listen closely, and you can hear the 16-pt font.

This is a large, large campus. A beautiful campus!…

You picked a beautiful one, a good one. And we’re really proud to have you, I can tell you…

When you look back, you won’t doubt. You’ll know exactly how you spent your time!…

They’re excited about life, and they love what they do. THEY LOVE LIFE.

DEEEEP!!!

And he brought a neat-o factoid to share with these men and women of the Coast Guard.

Coast guard cutters patrol more than 1500 miles below our Southern border. A lot of people didn’t know that.

Yes, probably most people did not know that. But it’s a safe bet that this was not news to the members of the 2017 class of the Coast Guard Academy. Weirdly, he forgot to mention his plan to cut $1.3 billion from the Coast Guard’s budget.

But he definitely remembered to bring the whinging.

Over the course of your life, you will find that things are not always fair. You will find that things happen to you that you do not deserve and are not always warranted.

Yes, it must have been so hard growing up as a millionaire! You are definitely one of the Real Americans. Tell us more!

But you have to put your head down and just FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT. Never ever ever give up. Things will work out just fine.

Wait…that almost sounds like a normal commencement speech.

Look at the way i’ve been treated lately. Especially by the media. No politician in history, and I say this with great surety, has been treated worse or more unfairly. You can’t let them get you down. You can’t let the critics and the naysayers get in the way of your dreams.

I guess that’s why I won!

There’s the Shitgibbon we love to hate!

At this point, all 195 graduates scooted back in their seats. PROBABLY. Just in case a righteous God awakened to smite The Orange One with lightning for leading an eight-year campaign to say that Barack Obama was an illegitimate Kenyan usurper, then complaining that the media won’t let him obstruct justice in peace. Sadly, it seems, we’re on our own.

The Dear Leader seamlessly transitioned from whining to inspirational bragging, his default setting.

Nothing worth doing ever ever ever came easy. And the more righteous your fight, the more opposition you will face. I’ve accomplished a tremendous amount in a very short time as president.

Then he lied about job growth and having “saved the second amendment.”

Trump finished out the set with a medley of old standards. What kind of rally commencement speech would it be without NATO Needs to Pay Up and Radical Islamic Terrorism by the MOOZLIMS?!?

As you leave this academy to embark on your exciting new voyage, I am heading on a very crucial journey as well. In a few days, I will make my first trip abroad as president. With the safety, security and interests of the American people as my priority. I will strengthen old friendships and seek new partners. but partners who also help us, not partners who take, and take, and take. Partners who help. And partners who help pay for whatever we are doing and all of the good we’re doing for them. which is something that a lot of people have not gotten used to. And they just can’t get used to it. I say, get used to it folks.

Then he gave a preview of the speech on Islam that Stephen Miller (!!!) is writing for him to give in Saudi Arabia.

First, in Saudi Arabia, where I’ll speak with Muslim leaders, and challenge them to fight hatred and extremism and embrace a peaceful future for their faith. And they’re looking very much forward to hearing what we as your representative, we have to say. We have to stop radical Islamic terrorism.

Oh, yeah. This material is going to KILL in Riyadh!

For the grand finale, Homeland Security Chief John Kelly suggested that Donald Trump use the Coast Guard’s ceremonial sword to slay the press. Because who hasn’t thought about stabbing a reporter, amirite?

Little did they know that Rod Rosenstein lay in wait, ready to bring in the dark days of Anno Mueller. In a few hours, the stock market would drop, a special prosecutor would be named, and it would come out that he’d known about Flynn’s awkward situation all along. But for one shining moment it was just Trump and Kelly, basking in the glow of the cadets and shitting on the press, and all was right with the world.

[ PBS / NYMag / CNN ]

We haven’t slept in a month! Holy shit! Throw money at us!

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  • Joe Beese

    When you look back, you won’t doubt. You’ll know exactly how you spent your time!

    You’re shitting me.

    • schmannity

      Chauncey Gardiner is a coming into his own as a Trump speech writer.

    • La forza del resistino

      He ‘borrowed’ that from ‘Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey’ at Melania’s suggestion.

    • Keith Taylor

      Oh how we all wish he was. Those poor coast guard cadets. Listening to his whining boastful speech and thinking in their agony, “This cannot be real, it’s a nightmare,” like every other person with standards. But … special prosecutor!

    • mardam422

      Soaring rhetoric, to be sure.

  • Scooby

    Did I tell you about my Electrical College win? Now go out there and get those Muslims.

    • kaydenpat

      He should have brought laminated copies of his electoral college win for each graduate.

      • therblig

        they’re only supposed to guard the coastlines of red states now.

      • Scooby

        He thinks it’s the Electrical College.

  • La forza del resistino

    If only there was a cadet in attendance going by Jan Brady who could have let out a ‘Marcia, Marcia, Marcia’

  • schmannity

    Remember how Drudge and Fox used to say Obama “made the speech all about him” or counted the times he used I or me in a speech? Good Timez!

    • Persistent Tennessee Rain

      Good Dog, YES! I remember they blasted him for talking about himself during a eulogy when he was really discussing his relationship with the deceased. Isn’t that pretty much what a eulogy is? You talk about the person as you saw them through your eyes and what they meant to you? I hate those fuckers.

      • schmannity

        No. During a eulogy, you are supposed to talk about Reagan and lower taxes.

    • BosGrl

      Always projection with these assholes.

    • kaydenpat

      Love your avatar, btw. Have you seen Hannity’s latest tweets where he’s mourning Ailes’ death and scolding liberals at the same time? Good times.

    • thewalkindude

      The Daily Caller on Obama’s farewell address-
      Obama said “I” 33 times during the speech, “my” 20 times, “me” 10 times, and “I’m” or “I’ve” 12 times.

      The president made a habit of focusing large chunks of his speeches on himself during his eight years in office.

      In just the excerpts listed above, Trump referred to himself (I, we, us) 16 times…

  • memzilla Ω

    The Coast Guard’s motto is Semper Paratus…

    Better than Twitler’s motto, Semper Ingfool.

    • FlemmishSpy

      Semper Prat?

      • Indivisible Snark Tank

        I thought it was “Всегда верен”.

  • Anna Rompage

    It’s only a matter of time before Donad releases his newest book… Mine Campf…

  • Bebecca

    Hubby told me at the Falwell College commencement on Saturday, he read them next year’s football schedule. I think hubby saw it on Joy who said-wonder if he knows they’re graduating and won’t be in college next football season? He’s evil and stupid.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      And all this time, I thought he was stupid and evil.

  • Alan

    We can add definition of commencement speech to things he doesn’t know.

    • Opalescent Riddles

      “Commencement,” huh? Great day. Graduation! Most people don’t even know that “commencement” doesn’t mean “graduation,” it means “beginning,” right? Does anyone know? A lot of people don’t know that.

  • Me not sure

    Georgia executed a man last night for killing the doctor who delivered him (the circle of life?). His last words were “You can kiss my white trash ass!” Everybody at the execution, including the condemned man, had a better time than the graduating class at the USCGA.

  • TJ Barke

    So Roger Ailes is dead?

    • Ghenghis McCann

      He’s pining for the fjords.

    • La forza del resistino

      I’d give it 3 days to make sure he doesn’t resurrect.

      • Celtic_Gnome

        That’s why we have wakes. I’ll do my part.

    • SayItWithWookies

      He’s been dead for years – it’s just that only yesterday did someone think to take him to a doctor.

    • mackafritz

      No, he’s outside looking in.

    • therblig

      huffpo went from “Roger Ailes Dead” to “Groper Gone” in about an hour.

    • ltmcdies

      Yeh… oh well

    • Nockular cavity

      We have to wait for the next full moon, and take him to the crossroads with the stakes and the garlic, just to be sure.

      • Skeptical_thinker

        Don’t forget the silver votes.

        • Cheesus Crust _ Rebel

          And the nuclear warhead.

  • Ghenghis McCann

    And they’re looking very much forward to hearing what we as your representative, we have to say.

    So he’s started using the Royal We now?

    • mackafritz

      “looking very much forward” . Who wrote this thing for him?

      • FlemmishSpy

        They wanted it to sound natural.

      • Ghenghis McCann

        Has Dubya got a new job?

    • Alan

      No, just needs a refresher in pronoun usage.

  • Crystalclear12

    Trump spoke at my commencement.
    You know, right before he was impeached

  • Bozilingus

    “i was born a poor black child rich white male.” – DJT

    • Bobathonic

      He missed the talk about shit and shinola.

  • FlemmishSpy

    So much whining. Getting tired of whining.

  • BigCSouthside

    What a fucking snowflake

  • kaydenpat

    Trump: “Coast guard cutters patrol more than 1500 miles below our Southern border. A lot of people didn’t know that.”

    Why does Trump assume that because he doesn’t know something, “a lot of people” don’t know it too? We’re not all dumb like you, Donnie.

    • Stulexington

      Because he knows his base is even dumber than he is, and they are still a lot of people.

    • SweetDeeKat

      Yeah, and the Mexican Navy has one of the best search and rescue services in the world, not to mention disaster preparedness. Suck on that, Pussgrab.

      • Skeptical_thinker

        Iceland’s CG is tops, too, as well, and in addition to.

  • Coast guard cutters patrol more than 1500 miles below our Southern border. A lot of people didn’t know that.

    Is he channeling Michael Caine?

    • mackafritz

      And he just learned that as he was saying it.

      • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

        And forgot it within 5 minutes

    • La forza del resistino

      Did he think the CG was just water skiing out there?

    • therblig

      michael caine on trumpy’s particular hue…

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZS6bD3SpIvk

  • jesuswasablack
  • Martini Ambassador 🍸
  • BMW
    • kaydenpat

      He has a nerve to open his fat mouth after what he did to President Obama.

      • Ghenghis McCann

        For Trump “history” only goes as far back as the previous week.

        • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

          If that long

    • Reximus

      and wtf does ‘with great surety’ mean, anyway?

      • BearGHAZI

        It’s like certainty, only more tremendous

      • Querolous

        He was thinking about his bail bondsman.

    • folderol

      Upon receiving this revelation, Obama suddenly saw his eight years in stark contrast and wept in pity for the current office-holder.

  • JohnBull

    A man who got elected president naturally assumes life isn’t fair.

    • kaydenpat

      A man who inherited millions of dollars and has always lived in luxury has every right to whine incessantly to the 99%. Poor thing.

  • therblig

    maybe if some of his contractors had insisted on surety, they’d have gotten paid.

  • Then he gave a preview of the speech on Islam that Stephen Miller (!!!) is writing for him to give in Saudi Arabia.

    Putting aside the whole distasteful nature of a white man coming to lecture you about your own culture and faith, I sincerely hope the Secret Service is ready to deal with hundreds of thousands of Sunni rioters enraged by blasphemy.

    • JohnBull

      Yes, I would also trust a speech on Islam written by a guy named Stephen Miller.

    • Ryan Denniston

      Maybe he’ll get something in there about free speech and being able to portray Mohamed in print.

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      Imagine one of the Saudi leaders coming to the US and giving a speech on what Christian priorities should be. Hope Trump is ready to duck all those shoes.

      • JohnBull

        I would SO welcome that.

      • richardgrabman

        And I can’t wait to see what Trump tells the Pope. I have visions of Saudi Arabia and the Vatican joining in a crusade against the heathen ‘Mericans.

    • Shibusa
  • SayItWithWookies

    “And the more righteous your fight, the more opposition you will face.”
    Of course that doesn’t mean that if you face a lot of opposition, that your fight is righteous. Sometimes it means you’re a narcissistic, overbearing prick with no respect for the law.

  • Pierre_de_Fermat

    Schindler sent out the latest cover of Time:
    //twitter.com/mattvella/status/865169332304826368

    • Pierre_de_Fermat

      Rick Wilson, a Republican conservative sent this:
      //twitter.com/TheRickWilson/status/865211212937785344

      When this gd thing is over, I will have charitable thoughts about people I would otherwise oppose vehemently.

      • anwisok

        That is a thing of beauty. And (dare I say it) reason.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    “And they’re looking very much forward to what we as your representative, we have to say”.

    Mother of Suffering Jesus…where do you start?

    • ariel_gee_398

      Which makes me wonder – has anyone ‘shopped Donnie’s face on a Pieta yet?

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        Religious iconography explodes and shatters into tiny pieces when it comes in contact with Trump.

        • Ghenghis McCann

          What about holy water?

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            “IT BURNS!!1!!”

          • Celtic_Gnome

            So does elven rope.

            And lembas.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            Precious.

      • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

        Piñata yes, Pieta no.

  • memzilla Ω
  • Ryan Denniston

    Even money next year’s entering class is down 50%.

  • Skeptical_thinker

    Personal responsibility for thee, not for me.

    Fucking Narcissist in Chief.

    • JohnBull

      FNC. Too bad that abbreviation is already taken.

      • Skeptical_thinker

        Fox and Trump. Seems reasonable.

      • Querolous

        Front Nacional de Catalunya? Fabrique Nationale Carabine?

  • Martini Ambassador 🍸

    I’ve got to do one more from Vicente. He’s on top of his game these days:
    https://twitter.com/VicenteFoxQue/status/864892297858646018

    • Bozilingus

      I read on my FB page that Mexico has offered to pay for tRump’s impeachment.

      • Reximus

        and the wall they will put around him

        • Bozilingus

          Leave off the iron bars, it will save money.

  • Opalescent Riddles

    “And the more righteous your fight, the more opposition you will face.”

    First of all, that’s not true—there is no “universal law of proportionality” regarding righteous endeavors. Second, even if it were true, it does not automatically follow that if you are facing intense opposition, then your fight must be righteous.

    • Ghenghis McCann

      He’s got it mixed up with Newton’s Third Law, “To every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.”

    • HorseChestnut

      It’s like this guy I worked with who decided to support Trump because “He’s pissing everybody off, so he must be doing something right.”

      I started listing other potential candidates that would piss everybody off: Charles Manson, Mike Tyson, Paris Hilton, the guy who goes through my recycling and barks…

      • MizzMazz

        Are we neighbors? That guy goes through my trash as well!

        • Occupied Territory of Kavefish

          Sorry!

          I thought nobody was home! :-(

          • MizzMazz

            It’s OK. Anything on the curb or in the trash is fair pickings.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    Trump is like Rich White Jesus…he bears the pain and suffering on behalf of all persecuted wealthy gringos everywhere.

    • Ghenghis McCann

      “Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen,
      Nobody knows the sorrow.
      Never mind, I’m off to Mar-A-Lago tomorrow.”

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        The challenges of golfing free on the taxpayer nickel twice a week would crush a normal man.

    • NoniMausa

      “Some of you MAY die, but that is a risk I am ready to take.”

  • Resistance Fighter Astraea

    And they’re looking very much forward to hearing what we as your representative, we have to say.


    Is he using the royal “we” now?

    • ariel_gee_398

      He appears to be eating for two these days, why not speak for two as well?

    • ltmcdies

      No…. they are preparing for whatever riot you set off Donald, when you some stupid shit about the “moooslum” faith in a country full of them

    • TundraGrifter

      Maybe he has a tapeworm. [h/t Mark Twain]

    • BackDoorMan

      … well, there’s Candidate Trump and President* Trump… I hear tell they are two different people… not to mention Bannon Trump and Jared Trump… and gawd-only-knows how many other voices in his head.

  • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

    So we’re all just supposed to be okay with the fact that he gave a damned compaign speech at a commencement? Doesn’t the law allow for him to write this whole thing off as an expense for his already filed reelection bid? seriously, ya’ll!

    • Ryan Denniston

      Is the campaign going to reimburse the US? I’d be fine by that.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Oh FFS. Come down off the cross RIGHT THIS INSTANT, Felicia.

  • Rhonda
  • canes_pugnaces

    I apologize. I didn’t believe the Wonkeronis. I looked the speech up, because I couldn’t fathom that an adult, any adult, could be that inarticulate with such scrambled thought processes. It’s true. The precedent is a moron.

    • Bozilingus

      Moran, if you please. Must follow the stylebook.

      • TundraGrifter

        I’ll go with maroon. Or, ultra maroon. Also.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      You haven’t been paying attention…

  • Reximus
    • Ferroequinologist Ron

      Picture = 1k words.

  • Ryan Denniston

    If he thinks he is being untreated now, just wait until the special councel.

    • Reximus

      Let’s see them tax returns sir – Bob Mueller

  • Anna Rompage

    Along with this blunder, it appears Donnie is already creating strife in regards to his upcoming trip to Israel.

    It appears he’s in a tizzy that he won’t be allowed to land his helicopter on the Masada UNESCO site, and he’s only planning on spending 15 min at the holocaust museum..

    • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

      Wait for his speech on Islam in Saudi Arabia.

      • Ghenghis McCann

        This is what he needs to beat.

        Boris Johnson criticised by Sikh woman over whisky comment in Gurdwara
        Boris Johnson has said sorry to a woman unhappy with a remark made during an election campaign visit to a Sikh Gurdwara in Bristol.
        The foreign secretary promised his audience that a future Conservative government would increase free trade and end tariffs on India’s imports of British whisky.
        But a Sikh woman said it was “absolutely outrageous” for Mr Johnson – whose mother-in-law is Sikh – to try to promote alcohol inside a place of worship.
        Mr Johnson said “I’m very sorry if you think alcohol is a bad thing, I understand your point of view.”
        Asked later by a BBC reporter if he would apologise for speaking about alcohol in a Sikh Gurdwara, Mr Johnson said: “I was making a very good point that I continue to make.”

        • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

          DaFuq is wrong with these idiots?

          • Ghenghis McCann

            Britain and America, separated by an ocean, but sharing privileged white guys who open their mouths and wonder why they’ve offended people.

      • UnsaltedSinner

        Written by that well-known expert on Islam, Stephen Miller.

    • MynameisBlarney

      I dread how he’ll fuck this up.

      • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

        Yeah and too fucking close to Megiddo.

    • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

      Much as he’ll be as big of an idiot as ever, it won’t really damage relations with Israel. Netanyahu’s government’s pretty clearly aligned itself with the Republicans; their bed is good and made.

      • Benny yeah, but reports are of serious damage to our intelligence relationship.

    • LesBontemps

      Surprised he’s not planning to land on Al Aqsa/Temple Mount; it would totally be “his style.”

  • Ilgattomorte

    Wow! I’m reminded of Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address.

    “Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. But, you wouldn’t know it by the way I’m treated by the Democrats and the Press.”

    “We are now engaged in a great Civil War, but that’s nothing compared to the attacks I have to deal with everyday. I can honestly say they are testing whether me, or anyone that looks like me, so conceived and so dedicated can long endure. It’s really terrible folks.”

    It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us – we should be able to sue the press, by the the people, for the people and remember … no perishing, okay”

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      *golf clap*

    • Bozilingus

      “Did you know I am a Republican? A lot of people don’t know that.”

      • Mehmeisterjr

        “And I wish I could say something about priming the pump but that expression won’t be invented for another 164 years. Can you believe the size of this crowd? It’s terrific. The biglyest crowd. This crowd. Terrific.”

  • MynameisBlarney

    Yanno what, Cesca?

    No.
    I will NOT fucking cool my jets. Also, too, piss off with that negative shit.

    http://www.salon.com/2017/05/18/cool-your-jets-liberals-the-impeachment-of-donald-trump-is-a-great-idea-that-is-totally-not-happening/

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      I agree with him. They won’t ever vote to impeach because their base would crucify them. But the longer this goes on, the greater the damage to their party.

      • LesBontemps

        I’m all for leaving Trump in the presidency as a politically crippled and completely impotent leader. If he’s removed, Pence might actually accomplish some of the shit the RWNJs are pushing.

        • I’m so torn. Everyday his administration defunds this, axes that and installs corrupt nazis. But i don’t want that healthcare abomination to go anywhere and i think it’s more likely under a stable president.

          • HorseChestnut

            Yeah. We don’t want to trade chaotic evil for lawful evil, we want to stop with the evil altogether.

          • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

            Look at how much he’s damaging the party already. Either Paul Ryan and congressional leaders believed Trump was a corrupt aRussian shill and did nothing, or they thought that was just Hi-larious. Neither looks good.

      • MynameisBlarney

        They’re screwed either way.
        So, fuck ’em.

    • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

      Yeah, no, Cesca’s full of shit about this. Impeachment is not only possible, but likely unless he actually resigns first.

    • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

      I’m forced to agree with him. The GOP was already terrified of how radicalized, and frankly mentally unbalanced, their base was *before* Trump welded them to himself. And it’s not like that’ll change. With Watergate, most Americans were eventually made aware of Nixon’s perfidy. With the brain-deadening cushion of Fox News, there is a huge chunk of the electorate that will *never* understand how incompetent Trump is.

      The Republicans have zero reason to go along with us on this one and have made it blindingly obvious that they’ll put themselves before the country. And Trump will never resign either; he has too much ego wrapped up in the job now. Frankly, we’re in holding pattern til 2018, and even then we won’t have the two-thirds from the Senate barring some political earthquake the likes of which we haven’t seen since the Civil War. I don’t see a way around it.

      • MynameisBlarney

        BAH!

        I’m still sayin’ he’ll be out before the mid-terms.

        • Mehmeisterjr

          If this goes on for another two weeks or so, Ryan and McConnell will be asking Kislyak for advice on how to buy a really good umbrella.

      • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

        If there could be a successful impeachment vote tomorrow, I’d actually be opposed to it. I think there should be a thorough investigation and everything exposed- EVERYTHING. The tax returns, the knowledge and collusion in Congress and the Senate, the corruption and the money laundering.
        I believe the potential is there to take down Ryan, Yertle, and a big chunk of Republican Party leadership.

        • BearGHAZI

          Since BEFORE THE ELECTION I had the psychic powers to discern that Trump, his campaign, even his goddamn family are guilty as sin.

        • Persistent Demme

          This is why I think there will be resignations (for some cockamamie reasons) before everything is exposed, and we will be left to speculate forever.
          (But at least they will be gone.)

          • Lori

            There’s no reason for resignations to change the investigation in any way and I don’t think Mueller is likely to think so either.

    • UnsaltedSinner

      I think he’s probably right, at least for now. Republicans may decide to dump Trump if their voters turn against him, but what are the odds of that?

  • TundraGrifter

    “No politician in history, and I say this with great surety, has been treated worse or more unfairly.”

    If you leave out folks like Andrew Jackson (his hero – had to shoot a man who claimed his wife wasn’t divorced before they got married; she wasn’t); Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln, et al. Oh – and President Obama. Badly treated by idiots starting with Mr. Trump.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Republicans loved FDR, also too.

      • TundraGrifter

        Thank you! Well played!

    • Atheist

      Or Hillary Clinton, who has been publicly raked over the coals, investigated six ways to sideways, and interviewed countless times under false pretenses.

      • HorseChestnut

        I’d like to see Trump survive eleven hours of live questioning. (No, really, I’d love that.)

        • miss_grundy

          He couldn’t even get through twenty minutes with that reporter from CBS….

      • BosGrl

        That right there. There genuinely is nobody in politics who has been treated more unfairly. That even includes Obama.

      • TundraGrifter

        Dulce! I thank you for the addition. I missed an excellent example. We don’t hear too much about it today, but in his time FDR had to put up with a great deal of abuse.

        • Mehmeisterjr

          Eleanor, too. The mudslinging at Eleanor set the standard for sliming a First Lady until Hillary came along.

    • richardgrabman

      Uh, like Benito Mussolini?

      • TundraGrifter

        Yep. I’m old enough to remember when Mr. Trump constantly bragged he wasn’t a politician. But now he has something to look forward to.

  • MynameisBlarney
  • Robbertjan Brandenburg

    Yes. Let’s denounce radical islamic terror in the mecca (haha) of radical islamic terror. Knotting a tie will no longer be neccesary without a neck.

  • anwisok
  • Rachel Book Harlot

    Meanwhile, he got a standing ovation at this shitshow.

    • HorseChestnut

      Yeah, this worries me.

    • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

      Maybe they were ordered to.

      • BosGrl

        He is the Commander in Chief. So I guess they would have to.

    • jesterpunk

      Did he get a standing ovation for the speech or for it being over?

    • anwisok

      Protocol.

    • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

      They’re in the military, they have to.

    • eyelashviper

      That was a requirement for graduation.
      Every year the President gives a speech, and they applaud, look happy, etc.
      This year was a strain on the entire academy.

    • Alexander Stallwitz

      To be far, they had to. I imagine it was very hard on them especally since President Pussgrab there wanted to gut their budget bigly.

  • Phoenixdoglover

    Some parts of the speech were excluded.

    “Our next big fight is the budget. We’re going to build a wall, and we are going to fund the wall. You’ve heard about the wall, right? And it’s going to be beautiful, and its going to cost $10 billion dollars, maybe more. But we need it, because Mexico doesn’t send there best, as you well know. And then we’re going to ask you proud men and women of the Coast Guard to deal with he mess we created by diverting desperate people into shitty boats in the Gulf of Mexico. And I’m sure you will do a fantastic job, because you are patriots, and patriots always clean up our messes.”

  • Persistent Tennessee Rain

    Jake absolutely nails it:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xwnw58qntX4
    Including, “All of his wounds are self-inflicted.” And Trump lead the birther charge which is a little bit racist.

    • ltmcdies

      gotta give Jake credit…he’s stepped and held Trump accountable.

      On the other hand…her emails, Jake. Pizzagate, Reporting ad nauseaum on stolen documents (the DNC hack is stolen documents)

      I can’t remember if he was a bad offender or more part of the pack but as I recall most of the MSM assumed it was going to be a Clinton presidency so nit picked at shit like email at the expense of all this Russia stuff.

      Mother Jones had this story in late

      October…http://www.motherjones.com/politics/2016/10/veteran-spy-gave-fbi-info-alleging-russian-operation-cultivate-donald-trump

      • Carole

        He was complicit as fuck.

        • miss_grundy

          Every reporter in America, whether print, television or radio was complicit in screwing Hillz over. They all traded ratings and circulation numbers for the truth. They knew that he was an asshole, a bigot, a racist, a misogynist, a pervert but they didn’t care. They put fame and fortune over country. They can never, ever be forgiven and this can never, ever be forgotten.

    • miss_grundy

      And took out full page ads in the New York newspapers and tabloids decrying the Central Park Five and their “crime”, which after they were found guilty and spent over a decade in jail turned out that they were innocent of the crime. But has this bigoted rat bastard ever apologized to these young men for taking over a decade of their lives away from them? Nope!

      • Persistent Tennessee Rain

        Apologize? He said they weren’t angels. Thin Skin can never admit to being wrong. He’s a racist piece of shit.

        • miss_grundy

          To admit error is to show weakness. And since he considers himself a bully, he can’t do that.

          • britishvoiceman

            He IS a bully, no question – he’s just realized that some reporters, politicians and law enforcement folks refuse to give in to his bullying tactics.

  • William

    No politician in history, and I say this with great surety, has been treated worse or more unfairly.
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/a2c498a9dd93869c54883cf1119703066b0321c577426bdbfd4b27d5fe3165bf.jpg

    • UnsaltedSinner
      • Alexander Stallwitz

        OT, One of the Roman Emperors was murdered in the bathroom by his bodyguards

        • Ferroequinologist Ron

          I can’t imagine any of Donnie’s goons being brave enough to be in the bathroom with him.

        • Annerdr

          You should mention that to the Secret Service. I believe they are listening.

          • Alexander Stallwitz

            I think Dok or one of the moderators would frown on that

  • folderol

    While you’re all making laff-laff at the Preznit’s expense, I feel I must remind you that he is a Purple Heart recipient. http://www.politico.com/story/2016/08/trump-purple-heart-226565

    Now don’t you feel bad?

    • eyelashviper

      And he survived the Disco era, hanging out in his off white leisure suit, while grabbing pussies mightily and ferociously fending off the clap.

      • UnsaltedSinner

        As the only teetotaler in the club, he must have been a barrel of laughs.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Or not fending off the clap, since everything The Donald brags about turns out to be true only in Opposite World.

        • Celtic_Gnome

          Since he had to fend off STDs, that would imply that he didn’t use protection. I wonder if he’s got a couple of abortions in there as well?

      • miss_grundy

        And learning how to sniff and snort…..

    • miss_grundy

      Go to bed without supper! Shame on you! ;->

  • Ricky Gay

    so *if* he gets his budget, Trump will actually be a Coast Guard cutter! — I will see myself out…

  • UnsaltedSinner

    Whenever Trump says “A lot of people don’t know that,” you can tell he didn’t know that until he read it in his script a second ago.

    • JohnBull

      And suddenly he’s the expert on it, more so than those ivory tower eggheads with dissertations in the subject. Like those assholes so concerned with Clinton scandals in the 90s who proudly said they didn’t care about international events. Then 9/11 happened, they bought a map, and immediately they knew it all.

    • Persistent Tennessee Rain

      When he says that, what he really means is, “I just found out…”

  • eyelashviper

    While there was no doubt that the Hoofwanker would not make it through his first term, given his idiocy, ignorance, narcissism and plain old nastiness, we now have to figure out how he will go out…
    Impeachment?
    Article 25?
    Secret Service “accident”
    Resignation for “health reasons”…old bonespurs acting up, etc.

    • Bobathonic

      He will go just as he lived: disgracefully.

      • eyelashviper

        In chains and an orange suit, hopefully.

      • Ferroequinologist Ron

        And making a bloody mess.

    • His ego won’t let him leave voluntarily.

  • Carpe Vagenda
  • Mr. Blobfish

    The graduates were asked to look under their seats, where trump had left each a printout of the electoral map.

    • mancityRed6

      with a picture of Obama’s ’09 inauguration with his ’17 date on it.

    • britishvoiceman

      Specially laminated for use at sea/

  • beatbort

    He makes W sound like Demosthenes. And W was a fucking fool.

    • unionthuggery

      I never thought I’d miss W.

    • britishvoiceman

      Like Demosthenes? – I thought Dubya was a Republican!

  • Jeff Ackerman

    I’m surprised Trump didn’t tell them to “stand aside shallow water sailors, and let the deep sea roll by” as he left the stage.

  • Cogswell

    Right now he’s likely got a ghost writer penning Mein Kampf – Part II

  • It’s too bad they couldn’t hook the arms of those graduates up to turbines, the jerk-off motions they were (ALLEGEDLY) making could have powered the country for a week!

  • BearLeft

    Nothing should amaze anyone any more from the Orange Asswipe, but his absolute ignorance of history, when he throws around superlatives about his experience, is staggering. The prize for the most investigations during a presidential administration actually goes to … Dwight Eisenhower, believe it or not. And that was before the emergence of TV as the principal source of news (and the beginning of the end of western civilization) in America.

    Yeah, he says everything “with great surety”: Ignorance makes it easy to live in a fantasy world, untroubled by facts or other people’s needs.

    • Al Swearengen

      #withgreatsurety should be trending like #withfewexceptions

    • chortlingdingo

      Also, hello Hillary Clinton, who is still being demonized by Trump’s buddies and the media.

  • Al Swearengen

    As for Baby’s First junket, here’s the entourage. We’ll need a separate 747 for the nannies and sycophants:

    *******************
    Son-in-law Jared Kushner, daughter Ivanka Trump, chief strategist Steve
    Bannon, chief of staff Reince Priebus, economic adviser Gary Cohn,
    deputy National Security Adviser Dina Powell, policy adviser Stephen
    Miller and press secretary Sean Spicer will all be along for major
    chunks of the trip, according to multiple White House officials.
    Secretary of State Rex Tillerson will travel with Trump through the
    final stop in Sicily for the G7 conference, and National Security
    Adviser H.R. McMaster will be along for the entirety of the trip.

    Also
    among those traveling with the president: his trusted aide Hope Hicks,
    deputy press secretary Sarah Sanders and National Security Council
    spokesman Michael Anton, among others.
    *********************

    • The Wanderer

      I saw his itinerary. Will US tourists, travelers, diplomats or businessmen be allowed in those countries after he passes through?

      • sgt. jmk of the résistance

        Nnnnope.

      • miss_grundy

        Will he be staying in Trump hotels while he is traveling? Because grifters have to grift……

    • Internet Hitler

      Pitching: Air Force One makes emergency landing on a lost deserted island.

      • Lori

        One with a polar bear and a smoke monster?

        • britishvoiceman

          or Kong…… or a few prehistoric reptiles……or cannibals

    • Rickyphoo

      One can wonder, perhaps even hope, that should Air Force One lands in some non-extradition country, they will all decide to stay.

    • Up In Smoke O’hontas

      Kelleyanne must be stuck watering the plants that Spicey will be among…

    • sO…Of the like 20 guys he actually hired, did he leave anyone behind to run things in washington?

    • miss_grundy

      Who knows? He may be impeached and will never be able to take the gang on another trip ever again…….

    • r m reddicks

      Where are they going to find all the abayas? Oops, there seems to be a sale on abayas on Etsy.

      • Carole

        They don’t need no stinking abayas.

        • britishvoiceman

          Especially as it’s a garment worn by women!

  • hendenburg2

    Hmmm… Isn’t the Coast Guard’s budget $1.4 billion?

    • JustDon’tSayFlatEarth

      11B, according to NPR last night.

  • Leliel

    The graduation, sadly, had to be put on hold, as all instructors decided there should be one last drill. You never know when synchronized facepalming comes in handy.

    • khanurik

      Is that an Olympic sport? The USA would totally sweep the medals on that one…

  • Swampay

    You will find that things happen to you that you do not deserve

    One might argue that for the first time in his life, #45 is starting to get what he actually deserves.

    • BackDoorMan

      … true… and OTOH, “things happen to you that you do not deserve” could also describe his entire life prior to taking the down escalator in his gold-coloured Tower of Tackiness on Fifth Ave. Everything has been continuing to go down ever since.

  • andyshelt

    “No politician in history, and I say this with great surety, has been treated worse or more unfairly.”
    Donald Trump

    “Are you fucking kidding me?”
    John F Kennedy

    • mailman27

      When doing business with DJT, the one thing you do not have is surety.

      • miss_grundy

        True. If he can gyp you out of money or throw you under a bus, he will.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      “Wanna bet, asshole?”

      –Nelson Mandela

    • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

      allende — boy did that guy get hosed.

    • Annerdr

      “Hold my beer.”
      — Abraham Lincoln

      • Carole

        Hold my Whig.
        –Andrew Jackson

        • britishvoiceman

          Nice pun, but Jackson was a Democrat, not a Whig.

    • phoenix00

      “Come on, pull my leg”

      – Ronnie Raygun

  • E.A. Blair

    “And the more righteous your fight…”

    There is no more disgusting word in the English Language than “righteous”.

  • Lyly Sirivong

    “Over the course of your life, you will
    find that things are not always fair. You will find that things happen
    to you that you do not deserve and are not always warranted.”

    He’s not wrong, you know. He happened to us (and by us, I mean the world) and we definitely didn’t deserve that. No matter how bad we screwed up as a species.

    • miss_grundy

      Those of us who voted for the popular vote winner sure didn’t deserve this because we knew what a fool he was.

    • Odd Jørgensen

      Not to mention all the sub-contractors that he hired to do work on his projects that he stiffed.

    • BackDoorMan

      … or in his case, being born into a wealthy family, with a rich daddy who would bail out more than one of your financial boondoggles, finding success despite have no actual business acumen, being a self-manufactured ‘celebrity’, living a lifestyle that many would call vulgar – the list of things that happen “you do not deserve and are not always warranted” in the life of Trump is quite extensive.

  • Al Swearengen

    President Brave Sir Robin ain’t climbing that damn cable stair.

    https://twitter.com/Newsweek/status/865220525756481536

    • Debbie the Unpaid Protester

      What a bigly baby.

    • Akat

      Oh goody, he’s just pissing off israel right and left.

      • Bitter Scribe

        IK,R? When right-wingers bitched about how Obama was “alienating our allies,” they meant Israel. This guy can’t even get that right (as well as actually alienating actual allies like Germany, Australia and South Korea).

      • miss_grundy

        I wonder how BeBe feels about him now that he gave Israeli intel to the Russkies, who will probably give it to Iran. Bwahahahaha…….

    • JustDon’tSaySurety

      JFC, what a WATB. WTF did he expect, “sure, go ahead and land that thing on a national monument”?

    • britishvoiceman

      “When faced with danger, he chickened right out and ran away”
      Yeah, sounds about right.

    • phoenix00

      Snowflake. Can’t suck it up.

  • Saxo the Grammarian
  • JustDon’tSaySurety
    • miss_grundy

      Also, too,

      Days Without Being a New York Embarrassment 0

  • ken_kukec

    Ya gotta admire Trump’s respect for American tradition, the way he sampled a mash-up of Nixon’s “you won’t have Nixon to kick around anymore” 1962 gubernatorial “concession” speech and Nixon’s 1974 White House farewell rant.

    • phoenix00

      It’s almost like another bastion of American tradition: rap music!

  • Carpe Vagenda
    • miss_grundy

      Was he too busy chasing and perving beauty pageant queens that he forgot about Ken Starr’s Whitewater Inquisition??????

      • britishvoiceman

        Or the Benghazi hearings

        • phoenix00

          Or Raygun getting shot?
          Or Lincoln also getting shot?
          Or Napoleon getting banished?
          Or Tsar Nicholas…. getting shot?

  • “What we as your representative, what we have to say.”

    Did he just slip into the Royal “We”, there, or is it just me?

    • britishvoiceman

      It wouldn’t be the first time he’s done it.

  • Bitter Scribe

    This sounds suspiciously like something Trump wrote himself. Attention, Mr. President: Speechwriters and teleprompters are your friends.

    • sgt. jmk of the résistance

      Shhhhhhh… let the man say what he wants to say.

      I have a feeling we’ll be rid of him sooner if he does.

    • miss_grundy

      Even when he uses a teleprompter he sounds like a jackass. Remember how he used to mock Bamz because he used one. At least Bamz participated in the writing of his speeches, knew how to read and could deliver a speech.

      • britishvoiceman

        And one of the reasons he used a teleprompter was he didn’t want to waste a lot of time memorizing and practicing his speeches, like Dubya.

  • eka

    wouldnt it have been great if he’d gotten his papers mixed up and given the “fight hatred and extremism” speech at liberty university? That’s a world I want to live in.

  • Greyhame

    I’m starting to think he might NOT get his face carved into the side of Mt. Rushmore after all … sad.

    Why won’t anyone recognize what a fantastic and perfect specimen of a manly president with yuuuge hands we have here? It must be those incompetent staff members (and the lügenpresse) all conspiring to keep the world from knowing of his greatness.

  • Zyxomma

    FDF, it’s whingeing, not whinging, but other than that, a perfect score.

    • Fivedollarfeminist

      Awwwww, geez! Ma! 😁

    • Carole

      I always spell it wrong. Wasn’t there a Monty Python episode on the “Department of Housinge?”

  • Peter Walford

    “There’s the Shitgibbon we love to hate” … …

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iAmx_XdQky8

    • Carole

      Are they like the Wiggles of the 1970s?

      • Peter Walford

        Not really :)

      • britishvoiceman

        More like a slightly twee version of Monty Python

    • SeeTrain65

      Goody, goody, yum, yum …

  • Celtic_Gnome

    To be fair, I’ve had numerous times when I’ve wanted to wield a ceremonial sword of votes in the general direction of Jesse Watters.

  • miss_grundy

    When I heard this on NPR yesterday, all I could think was “Jesus Christ, not everything is about you, shitgibbon!”

  • Carole

    What’s that ceremonial sword called in Saudi Arabia? Oh yeah, a scimitar. Chop chop.

  • SeeTrain65

    “Semper Paratus … Always Ready.”

    I’d give almost anything to hear Lloyd Bridges say that again. And to teach Trump what it means.

  • Maybe

    Trump’s ignorance approaches the level of performance art.

    Or would, if he had any idea how ignorant he is.

  • Jeff Mc Donald

    I freely admit that it could just be that my memory isn’t as good as it used to be. Having said that, I was a sailor and served under four Presidents, and I can’t for the life of me remember one who whined this much. So, well, I have to admit he is the best at something.

    • britishvoiceman

      Bill Maher said it best – Trump’s a whiny little bitch.

  • richardgrabman

    Does Trump even know what audience he’s speaking to? With the President of Colombia today, he started blathering about a wall in Mexico (3400 Km north of Bogata) and … given the reason for the meet was funding for the peace process within Colombia… also about funding a war against Venezuela.

    • phoenix00

      To be totally fair, Maduro needs to go, but he’s plenty capable of ruining himself all on his own.

      Whether he takes Venezuela completely irrevocably down the tubes, however…..

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