SHARE
I, Vladimir, am only here to help!

You know the story already. Donald Trump invited Russian foreign minister Sergey Lavrov and ambassador Sergey Kislyak to the Oval Office for a little stitch-n-bitch the day after Trump fired James Comey for being a very bad man who wouldn’t stop investigating the president’s ties with Russia. Only TASS, the Russian state-owned news service, was allowed to come in and take pictures and maybe drop some new “Wire Tapps” in Trump’s underpants while they were wadded up in some corner of the Oval Office. (It’s funny because ovals don’t have corners!)

Then we found out that, at some time during the meeting that may or may not have been mid-coitus, Trump blurted out some NSFW bigger-than-top-secret U.S. intelligence secrets that we got from the Israelis. Ever since, the Trump administration has been explaining that he DID NOT EITHER do that, and also that he DID TOO EITHER do that, but it’s OK because Trump was too dumb to even know what he was doing.

Well now, a deus ex machina has emerged to salvage the credibility of the damsel in distress Donald Trump, and it is Russian president Vladimir Putin! Who let THAT GUY in here? (Trump. Trump did.) Putin, in an act of epic trolling, has offered to vouch for his maybe-intelligence asset with records of what happened in the Oval Office, to settle once and for all whether Trump shared code-word-level intelligence with the Russians:

Russian President Vladimir Putin said Wednesday he would be willing to provide the U.S. Congress a record of President Trump’s meeting with top Russian envoys, bringing scoffs on Capitol Hill that the Kremlin could help shed light on the disclosures of reportedly highly classified intelligence.

The provocative offer for the Kremlin to share evidence with U.S. oversight committees about the Oval Office meeting came with the caveat that the request … would have to come from the Trump administration.

Records? WHAT KIND OF RECORDS? Did the Russian TASS fuckheads have secret microwaves in their panties equipped with microphones? Did they videotape it? Did the Russians just write memos afterward like a common James Comey? Nah, the Washington Post reports that, according to one of his aides, Putin is offering a transcript, which you could have read in the block quote above if we hadn’t deleted it so we could make juvenile panty microwave jokes.

Putin made his offer during a news conference, with Sergey Lavrov in the front row giggling in the Cyrillic alphabet language:

If there were any question as to whether Putin was trolling the White House, he playfully ribbed his foreign minister during the news conference, saying he would have to censure Lavrov “for not sharing these secrets with us.”

“Neither with me nor with our intelligence services,” he continued. “That’s very bad on his part.”

I, Vladimir Putin, am to kid Sergey The Spy Who Clowns Around for failing to share delicious American secret with Vladimir’s shirtless body! If Vladimir find out Sergey is hiding something, YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPEN THEN! LOL, as they say in new Russian satellite state of America!

For the record, members of Congress from both parties have told Putin to shove his offer up his perky ass.

Of course, we told you Tuesday that the intelligence Trump spilled was so top secret it couldn’t even be shared with the Five Eyes group of nations we share EVERYTHING with. It was reported Wednesday that what he shared is so sensitive the U.S. is still asking news companies not to write about it too specific-like.

And we can be pretty sure that, despite what the always very nice and kind president of the United States and Russia Vladimir Putin says, he totally has that intelligence now, and has probably already sent a candy-gram about it to the Iranians.

Let us break down the multi-leveled magnitude of Putin’s trolling, and just how big of a pussy Trump looks like now:

  • It gives Putin a chance to LOL at what he has done by helping install his puppet as president of America and thus positioning himself as the stronger leader, and a funnier one at that. Putin is charming, and he’s a flirt. (Click here for video evidence of that.) He finds this hysterically funny.
  • Putin and Trump probably both now know that for real, Trump shared SOME SHIT with his (alleged!) Russian J/O buddies.
  • Maybe the Oval Office has been bugged by the Russians, and Putin is just trying to help! MSNBC’s Andrea Mitchell asked Secretary of State Rex Tillerson if the Oval Office is bugged and he just shrugged his meat body and said, “I would have no way to know that.” No, for fuck’s sake, he really said that!

  • If Trump actually tried to use VLADIMIR PUTIN as PROOF that he did NOTHING WRONG, the ensuing LOL-splosion would weaken his presidency even more than it already is, and it’s already pretty weak and sad. Also, again, Trump can’t possibly beg Putin for help, because we all know Trump is G-U-I-L-T-Y.
  • It’s possible there were Russian pee hookers in the Oval Office at the time. You don’t know.
  • Maybe there were TWO Russian pee hookers.
  • OH MY GOD ARE SERGEY KISLYAK AND SERGEY LAVROV MOONLIGHTING AS PEE HOOKERS?
  • Nah.
  • OR ARE THEY????

Oh god, America, this is actually happening, how did we even get here? This would NEVER happen if Hillary Clinton was president, BUT HER EMAILS WE FORGOT HER EMAILS HOW COULD WE FORGET #NEVERFORGET.

Wonkette is funded by sweet folks like YOU! If you love us, click below, to fund us!

[Washington Post]

$
Donate with CCDonate with CC
  • msanthropesmr

    I think they should start putting either Prozac or bourbon or both in the water supply.

    • yyyaz

      Fentanyl and LSD.

      • Oily Messiah

        Just the LSD please.

        • yyyaz

          If the WATBIC had any self-awareness, I would have recommended mescaline. 60 mikes of LS-Crazy is the only thing that could penetrate his ossified brain.

          • Oily Messiah

            WATBIC is water buffalo in chief I assume?

          • therblig

            fake gnus!!!!

          • yyyaz

            Whiny-ass titty baby in chief, but water buffalo works too. ;)

    • Cat Cafe for the Investigation

      Horse tranquilizers

    • Werewolf

      Xanax, please.

  • eka

    Trump really needs to take some lessons from Putin. His method of belittling anyone who criticizes or asks questions is much more effective than twitter tantrums.

  • Joe Beese

    So are pee hookers, like, specialists? LIke an ear, nose, and throat doctor?

    • yyyaz

      Expertise costs extra I’ve been told from usually reliable sources.

    • btwbfdimho

      Only those with a pee-exiting condition.

  • IAMBOWLINGGREEN
    • Joe Beese

      “You win this round, Barack Barackovich. But I will have my vengeance on your United States.”

    • Cat Cafe for the Investigation
      • Red Bird Ω

        I understand body language. Pooty was low key flirting with Hillz. Look at the way he way pointing his whole body at her.

        • Cat Cafe for the Investigation

          That is so true. His whole body language is kind of submissive. He knew who the really strong candidate was.

          • AnnieGetYerFun

            That’s actually a Russian sign of dominance.

            “I point penis at her, she very much scared of Russian AK-47.”

          • Lascauxcaveman

            “Pew-pew-pew!”

          • Cat Cafe for the Investigation

            Hahaha! To which she is replying “I close vagina, not impressed.”

          • AnnieGetYerFun

            “For Huma’s Eyes Only”

        • Lamashtar

          Here’s another. I think this was in the period when Russia and the US were cooperating but Putin was just starting his power grab.

          https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/6ee2029a1557820d675aab1a1c37aab689e8598244096fde429a70af44e45bfa.jpg

          • Red Bird Ω

            Well, he’s no Bill Clinton.

    • Crank Tango

      I had no idea Putin was such a shrimp. It explains a lot.

      • MynameisBlarney

        Crustacean libelz!

        • yyyaz

          Pink sport coat and a white crustacean.

      • btwbfdimho

        He’s a shrimp that moves but doesn’t really go anywhere.
        https://youtu.be/BUe78awZMT0

      • Lamashtar

        It makes it funnier that our secret police chief was a giant.

    • Elvis Causticfellow

      Let the NY Mag caption to that photo not be forgotten: “We hope nobody ever looks at us like this.”

      • SterWonk

        Really? That’s awesome! Link?

    • TJ Barke

      He looks like such a little bitch there…

    • Red Bird Ω

      Awwwwww….the little babby man is scared of the tall rico suave Kenyan hombre. Pobrecito. :(

  • Sexxxy young Robert Duvall NOOOOOO!

    • Cat Cafe for the Investigation

      I HAD THE SAME THOUGHT THIS IS WORSE THAN EVAN’S CRUSH ON JARED

    • Red Bird Ω

      Maybe you missed the Lawrence O’Donnell stuff yesterday. 0_o

  • Mpeg

    RECORDS? What kind of records?

    “Post-It™ Notes or GTFO!” — Trump’s bodyguard

  • MynameisBlarney
    • TJ Barke

      Could it be because what Trump did isn’t really defensible? Maybe…

    • Joe Beese

      You don’t see any Republicans on camera. That is totally understandable. they have watched over the last ten days people who went out on a limb on the Comey firing and said it was the result of the memo from the deputy Attorney General, they had the limbs sawed off by Donald Trump himself without a flinch and were left humiliated and contradicted.

      https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/3328895fa17a90c2f0eaf1b45ffb24c829817700993c61fb94afb7e3a5c0b173.png

  • Oily Messiah

    God Putin is smirking it up in the pictures of him delivering this announcement. It’s all he can do not to laugh. He knows how foolish the US looks and loves it.

    • Joe Beese

      Nothing wrong with taking pleasure in one’s work.

    • TJ Barke

      Way to go Trumptards. You built this.

      • yyyaz

        And at this point are using teaspoons to bail out their steerage berths on the Titanic.

  • Amelia Resists and Persists

    So, they make those hard sodas now, right? Like spiked orange and grape soda. Does anyone know if those are any good?

    Because if they don’t taste like ass I may take a crack at this whole alcohol thing again. The past week has inspired me.

    • Oily Messiah

      They aren’t awful, but they do have a boozy off-taste. I recommend using them for mixers, because of brace of liquor boosts them a lot.

      I do:
      Hard Root Beer + Ice Cream + Bourbon
      Hard Ginger Ale + Bourbon
      Hard Orange or Grape Soda + Ice Cream + Vodka (vanilla vodka is great)

    • It’s not worth it.
      Having said that, avoid the sugary drinks.
      Get yourself some club soda or diet tonic water or diet ginger ale, mix it with vodka and a squeeze of lime juice.

      • Oily Messiah

        Great drink, but I’ll always buy a really quality tonic water or ginger ale (read fever tree) and take the sugar hit rather than use diet and use club soda if I want to avoid sugar.

        It’s a bit odd, but 1.5t sugar, 1/2t salt, and 1/4t cumin in your 8 oz drink actually ends up really good. Its basically indian-style mix lime soda with vodka.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Far be it from me to encourage anyone to follow my path of dissolution & debauchery, but…

      Dark & Stormy:

      1 part dark rum (Kraken or Gosling’s, NOT Meyer’s)
      2 parts ginger ale
      Pour over ice
      Cut & squeeze a fat slice of lime over ice, stir once. Life is good.

      • Oily Messiah

        Ginger beer not ale, preferably goslings.

        • Lance Thrustwell

          Fine, ginger lager then.

          • Oily Messiah

            haha, you must try ginger stout, only way to go.

            Ginger beer usually has a stronger ginger flavor (and little or no citrus) and is brewed with the ginger, ginger ale is carbonated water with sugar, ginger flavoring, and citrus added.

          • AnnieGetYerFun

            I never even tasted the slightest hint of ginger flavor in ginger ale. I never understood why they called it that.

          • Oily Messiah

            Try Vernors or Ale 8 1. The standard offerings (canada dry, seagrams, etc) have no flavor.

    • SterWonk

      I’m an incredible lightweight; for Friday afternoon drinks, I frequently do this:

      – A mug of hot chocolate (from the coffee machine, *sigh*)
      – Some half-and-half for added richness
      – Some crème de cacao (I prefer de Kuypers, because it tastes like a Tootsie Roll)

  • calliecallie

    This makes me think about that quote from a New Yorker article about Putin, something like “he wants you to know he can come in your house and do whatever he wants.” Apparently, that quote is as accurate as it is scary.

  • Meanwhile, Trump spent his morning whining to Coast Guard Academy graduates about how unfairly he is being treated by everyone.

    • Oily Messiah

      I’m sure they loved that. No speech about going out and making america great, just bitching about how big meanies the msm are.

    • Jay B.

      You mean the Coast Guard whose budget will be crippled if Trump has his way, so he can pay for a wall, which crafty, sea-faring mestizos will be able to sail around because there’s no Coast Guard?

      • jesterpunk

        They will still guard Mar-a-Lago when he goes to play golf with Japan’s PM that one weekend again.

    • Resistance Fighter Callyson
    • schmannity

      For men and women who are going out of port when everyone is hightailing it in because of the approaching hurricane, I’m sure they were sympathetic.

    • weejee

      Not as unfairly as could be. The Secret Service frowns on setting flaming bags of poo on the White House entry.

    • Yr. Gma

      Did he mention the size of his, um, crowds?

  • anwisok

    Can you blame Vlad? I mean, really? When is he ever going to get another opportunity like this? Nevermind, don’t answer that last one!

    https://img.memesuper.com/2a01376a8c56b272a12ae984d72c5d37_im-not-even-mad-im-not-mad-memes_625-428.jpeg

    • “… I’m just disappointed in you, America. Go to your room and think about what you did.”

  • Joe Beese
  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Russian President Vladimir Putin said Wednesday he would be willing to provide the U.S. Congress a record of President Trump’s meeting with top Russian envoys

    Overheard at the offices of The Onion:

    “Come on, people, we’ve got a deadline–where are your stories?”

    “How the fuck are we supposed to compete with real life FFS?”

  • Vincent Ricola

    Donald thought he was being such a smart James Bond by recording everyone with his free android app. Little did he know, the rest of the world also has the same free android app and/or bothered to learn how to keep detailed notes while in the 2nd grade.

    • yyyaz

      Someone more ambitious than myself needs to gin up a gif of the opening Bond scene with 007 shooting himself in the foot instead of the bad guy looking through the camera lens.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    For the record, members of Congress from both parties have told Putin to shove his offer up his perky ass.

    Too much even for the Republicans, eh? I suppose that’s progress of a sort…

    • yyyaz

      Unless they’re afraid of what it would reveal.

      • Jennaratrix

        ^^THIS^^

  • MynameisBlarney

    Oh the poor dears, bless their little ol’ hearts.

    ‘I always thought that once he understood the weight of the office, he would rise to the occasion, now I don’t.’”

    http://www.rawstory.com/2017/05/cnns-gloria-borger-even-some-disconsolate-trump-loyalists-in-white-house-have-given-up-on-him/

    • Resistance Fighter Callyson

      I always thought that once he understood the weight of the office, he would rise to the occasion

      What ever gave you that impression? Certainly nothing based on what Donald has done before or since arriving at the White House FFS.

      • MynameisBlarney

        Just goes to show ya the caliber of the people trump has “helping” him.

    • Kiri the Unicorn
    • Jennaratrix

      As I’ve said elsewhere, I’m sick to death of hearing about Trump voters’ buyer’s remorse. Screw them; you voted for him, he’s on your conscience. I’m more worried about those of us who didn’t vote for him, who knew or suspected what he is, and have been living in low-level anxiety since November wondering how bad it’s going to get. How about some news stories about rational, smart, not-racist, not-sexist people who DIDN’T vote for Trump who are worried about what he’s doing to the whole country, instead of stories about people who are mad that he’s not screwing over the country enough to help THEM? https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/01ae928f4e779318d1cd25e78e390a7e65b724a51a5cb8052d06726ad8e4973f.jpg

      • Ω cynmac will never surrender

        ^^THIS

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    MSNBC’s Andrea Mitchell asked Secretary of State Rex Tillerson if the Oval Office is bugged and he just shrugged his meat body and said, “I would have no way to know that.”

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/64f4c0a67863c45a4e7c81b5a97e28fb03acf83376011aba23defe5239a1389f.jpg

    • Oblios_Cap

      Sweeping the office would be too much wok. Hell, they just found the light switches.

      • the long ass red tie tho. snork

        • Cheesus Crust _ Rebel

          [ CENSORED ] caught up in an industrial cheese grater.

    • Oily Messiah

      He’s probably not allowed in.

    • Vincent Ricola

      Needs moar landing in Oz.

    • yyyaz

      “Nothing to see here,” sez pantsless WATBIC.

    • Ω cynmac will never surrender

      Of course, REXXON would play dumb? Or is he?

  • Oblios_Cap

    Vlad can probably also provide transcripts of every meeting that took place after the one with Lavrov.

    • Cat Cafe for the Investigation

      And before.

  • demodocus

    Mr. Putin has an awful lot of photos that suggest he’s a male model for romance novels, doesn’t he?

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      He doesn’t have enough hair.

      • demodocus

        Point, but that can be airbrushed

  • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot
    • Proud Liberal

      Can’t fix stupid!

    • jesterpunk
    • Carpe Vagenda

      I only seem to be seeing that in stories from outlets that supported Trump during the election and those ridiculous faux-polls The Hill commissioned from Mark Penn.

    • Doug Langley

      Thank God we didn’t put that emails lady in the White House. Why, her infrastructure program was estimated to create 15 million new jobs. Sure dodged that bullet.

      • Marceline

        Don’t forget her mental health care plan. I’m glad that nerdy bitch with her grating voice didn’t get the chance to improve that. It’s not like half the country is clearly fucking insane.

        • Ω cynmac will never surrender

          As someone who has been hospitalized and who takes meds on the regular, the patient has to recognize they have a problem and then work hard for correction. I saw resistant people, confined on “5150”. It’s not pretty.

    • Mpeg

      Well duh. We haven’t seen Drumpf “doing anything” about jerbs, either!!

    • canes_pugnaces

      “I haven’t seen him doing anything,” has to the dumb shit quote of the decade. In case there was any doubt how the dumb shit president got where he is — other than Putin helping him — there are millions upon millions of dumb shits.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        If I was planning strategy for Twitler, I would have jumped on a Jobs/Infrastructure push the minute the Killbamacare bill went down in flames. I don’t know if the Freedom Caucus would have been able to resist injecting a “kill all fags” clause or a “ban abortion” cause into it, but if it had gotten through congress as a pure Jobs/Infrastructure spending bill, it would have passed with nearly unanimous D support and just a minority of grumbly hard-right R’s voting nay.

        And he could have been an actual job creator. And kept a big campaign promise. Yooooge, unconditional win!

    • Chyron HR

      Trump voters wanted TRUMP. That should disqualify them from spouting off to CNN.

    • YoBunnyBunny

      The “base”… why the fuck are we still reading about these people. I hate to just write people off, but goddamn… Just this damn morning I was reading this nonsense about Trumpers with bad teeth:

      http://www.washingtonpost.com/sf/national/2017/05/13/the-painful-truth-about-teeth/?utm_term=.926ff2d97683

      What Matello heard was a promise “to restore pride to the working poor.”

      A big part of that promise was Trump’s assurance that he would build a
      “beautiful” health-care system to serve every American, a system that
      would cost less and do more. But nearly four months into Trump’s
      presidency, Matello sees Trump backing a Republican health care plan
      that appears to leave low-income people and the elderly worse off.

      “I am hearing about a number of people who will lose their coverage
      under the new plan,” Matello said. “Is Trump the wolf in grandma’s
      clothes? My husband and I are are now saying to each other: ‘Did we
      really vote for him?’ ”

      Matello said she has no option but to keep hoping Trump will devise
      “a plan so we can all feel the benefits of a better economy.” But since
      he took office, Trump has focused on so many other things — most
      recently, his decision to fire the FBI director — that Matello has begun
      to wonder about his promises to the working class:

      “Was he just out to get our votes?”

      I fear they will never figure it out if their own devices to ponder the question.

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      “I haven’t really seen him doing anything.”

      Has anyone ever?

    • Michael Smith

      What’s this guy waiting for? He goes for a walk down the street and sees Trump spraying graffiti under a bridge?

  • Joe Beese
    • jesterpunk

      Now you have republicans arguing who was first?

    • yyyaz

      Always with the “me first!”

  • Marceline

    Can we start using Beck Bennett in photos instead of the real Putin? Just as a sanity protecting measure?

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/9c8fbefe9a38e5791360c54f5c1f6ab91b7949ab9c9ff61bedef43937de83b3f.jpg

  • William
  • Joe Beese

    The new FBI director will need to be someone of unimpeachable integrity, right?

    Wonketeers, I give you “Joltin'” Joe Lieberman.

    https://twitter.com/Jordanfabian/status/864915871260712964

    • jesterpunk

      I hear Badass Sally Yates is available.

    • Elvis Causticfellow

      Joe will catch the bad guys by sanctimoniously scolding them into turning themselves in.

    • Edith Prickly

      Joe fucking Lieberman? Ai yi yi.

    • Vincent Ricola

      Wow. I thought Lieberman died in 2008.

      • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

        If only.

      • Lance Thrustwell

        I think he did.

    • Oily Messiah

      The “one other” is probably where we should actually be worried.

    • weejee

      Background check on Joe’s relationship with Miss Lindsey.

    • canes_pugnaces

      Joe Lieberman is the worst fucking human in CT.

      • Yr. Gma

        Only CT?

    • Oblios_Cap

      Frank Keating? Was he one of the Keating Five?

      • cmd resistor

        I wondered the same thing, but apparently not. He was governor of Oklahoma during the bombing there; a U.S. Attorney at one point, nominated by Ronnie.

        • Oblios_Cap

          it wouldn’t have surprised me.

          • cmd resistor

            Me, either.

    • Cheesus Crust _ Rebel

      FTW

    • cheetojeebus

      OH Lord god no!!!

    • mardam422

      The “one other” wouldn’t be Vladimir Putin?

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      What, was Robert Bork not available?

      What’s that? Oh, 2012? Oh.

  • weejee
  • Doug Langley

    Maybe we could ask Vlad for Donnie’s tax returns? He seems to know a lot.

  • Jim Gormley

    I will give the reacharound, tovarich…let me slip my hand into the vodka chiller first. “But…but…it’s shrinkage!”

  • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

    Putin’s lying, but he’s also definitely trolling us. He knows the Republicans won’t take it because they don’t actually want to find out the bad shit Trump has been doing. And even if there was a transcript, it’d be doctored all to hell.

    TL:DR Fuck Putin, why are we not computer-virusing Russia into a continuous dark age.

    • Steve Cole

      Difficult to corrupt the firmware of a steam engine.

      • CindyinEncinitas

        And Def Con isn’t until late July. We’re playing catch-up.

        • Steve Cole

          This year “spot the fed” will be expanded to include agents of any country.

    • Cat Cafe for the Investigation

      They are better at it than we are. People endlessly ignored warnings about this. I think he also knows he has all the dirt he needs on the Republicans.

    • Vincent Ricola

      The Americans who know how to do these things smoke weed and don’t join the military, so the government won’t hire them. We’re not sending our best.

  • jesterpunk

    OT but really Marvel? Your excuse is there where 2 Captain America’s, 1 in hiding and the other a Hydra agent?

    https://io9.gizmodo.com/marvels-secret-empire-has-revealed-its-big-secret-1795301628?utm_campaign=socialflow_io9_facebook&utm_source=io9_facebook&utm_medium=socialflow

    • Ω cynmac will never surrender

      I gave up on comics when I had my daughter 26 years ago. Now I confine myself to quality graphics novels. Comics have gotten to be like old soap operas, where if you haven’t been reading them forever you can’t understand the story.

      • jesterpunk

        I dont really read comics I just watch the movies. But they tend to take story lies from the comics to make the movies.

        • Ω cynmac will never surrender

          True. Which is why the DC movies really suck.

          • jesterpunk

            DC did the 2 people for 1 character thing before in Superman 3 and it was horrible then too. But they are a lot safer with characters and reboot them over and over again making it extra boring.

    • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

      This is why I don’t follow comics like I used to. Some writer gets a crazy idea, changes the story line around and everyone hates it, so they scrap the new story line. I voted, for example, to have Jason Todd killed, the Joker killed him, and he came back in Hush.

  • IdiokraticDrumpfenJugend
    • Doug Langley

      Well, now that that’s all settled . . .

  • eyelashviper
  • Oblios_Cap
  • whitroth

    From Slate: The New York Times Is Comparing Trump Aides to “Stewards of a Syphilitic Emperor,” So There’s That

    • BearDeLaOursistance

      That’s a prog metal song, isn’t it?

  • MynameisBlarney
    • Cat Cafe for the Investigation

      Meeting your crush vs. meeting someone who knows your penis size.

      • yyyaz

        Agent 002.

  • Mpeg

    You know who *else* still looked like a Greatest Monster of history even when photographed in black & white?…

  • eyelashviper
    • Oily Messiah

      Putin thought he had a puppet, he did, but it was a marionette and the string are hopelessly tangled.

  • Major_Major_Major

    One time I was out hiking, and I really had to take a shit, so I went of the trail a bit and hunched over. Unbeknownst to me, there had been some trappers out and had set some fur traps (like a bear trap, but smaller). Needless to say, when my balls hit the pressure plate, the jaws snapped shut. That first pain was unbelievable, and was second only to the agony I felt when I took off running, and five feet later hit the end of the securing chain. Still a better memory than anything this admin has given me.

    Not a true story, just an old joke repurposed

    • Vagenda and Pee-ara

      I’m hoping this is an apocryphal story! Otherwise “ow, my balls!”

      • Major_Major_Major

        Old joke, repurposed. Someone has to delve the dick joke mines. Today ’twas me.

        • Vagenda and Pee-ara

          Yes, I feel that our dick jokes have been sorely lacking lately. I think we’re all suffering from Trump fatigue syndrome.

          • Major_Major_Major

            I knew it was gonna be a marathon and not a sprint, but still…

          • Vagenda and Pee-ara

            I’m literally tired every fucking day, and my jaw is getting stiff from clenching my teeth all the time.

          • Major_Major_Major

            I’m finally at a point where I don’t want to punch my Trump voting friends, and two of them were, until November, highly respected, and apparently closeted fucktards.

          • Vagenda and Pee-ara

            I have several friends who voted for Trump, and I still want to punch them in their faces. They are old, and I hope Paul Ryan royally fucks them. Sorry, that’s just how I feel.

            When they cast their votes for idiots (Bush, Trump), I end up losing my life savings, when I cast my vote for intelligent people (Clinton, Obama) they end up getting rich off real estate and the stock market, and their Social Security checks. Then they say “oh, both sides are corrupt.” Uhhh…not really, assholes.

          • Hard to think up dick jokes funnier than this administration

          • Ω cynmac will never surrender

            Micropenis. Link is NSFW.
            https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Micropenis

          • Vagenda and Pee-ara

            Yikes! I feel for the guys who get that particular affliction.

  • thewalkindude

    More “Sad! fake!” Poll numbers-

    A majority of polled voters wish Barack Obama was still president instead of Donald Trump, a new national poll shows.

    The Trump White House has had a chaotic couple of weeks. Last week, Mr Trump abruptly dismissed FBI Director James Comey, and then contradicted his press team and Vice President Mike Pence when explaining the reasoning behind the firing.

    According to Public Policy Polling, 55 per cent of 692 registered voters surveyed between 12 and 14 May said they wish Mr Obama was still in office.

    Only 38 per cent of surveyed voters said they considered Mr Trump to be honest, while 51 per cent characterised him as a liar.

    • mackafritz

      I guess 38% of Americans don’t know the meaning of honest.

    • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

      “38% just screamed ‘SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP’ at us until we hung up.”

    • The Trump White House has had a chaotic couple of MONTHS.

  • CindyinEncinitas

    Somebody better start frisking people as they leave. Silverware and ingots may make their way from the grounds in the clothes of some visitors. Looking at you, Kellyanne.

  • SFC Sphinxor

    Hey, we ought to LISTEN to what Russia has to say. I mean, who would know better than THEY who their agents, stooges, and dupes are? If they say Trump is in the clear, I think we ought to take them at their word.

    • Crank Tango

      Katherine the Great always said it was best to go right to the horse’s mouth.

      • SFC Sphinxor

        You liberals are being ridiculous! You act like Trump is inviting Russian spies into the Oval Office to hand out state secrets or something!!!

      • laughingnome

        I don;t think she said mouth.

  • Shoto

    If Hillary hadn’t Benghazied!! Emailz all over Vince Foster face, we wouldn’t be in this mess. Thanks, Obama.

  • MynameisBlarney
  • jesterpunk

    So Putin wires tapped Trump?

  • weejee

    What are today’s odds that next week Bibby will give tRump to ISIS?

    • Mary Sandoras

      I’d donate to that cause.

    • Ω cynmac will never surrender

      Over/under on shoes being thrown?

  • cheetojeebus

    O/T Christ, some idiot has revived walking shit stain Joe Lieberman and is leading him around with a Five dollar bill on a fishing line. Seems he’s in the running for FBI chief. Lord help me if i glimpse or hear this fucker on TV.

  • Vagenda and Pee-ara

    Vlad the NoShamer is looking pretty hot in that picture. I feel like it might be a FAKE PHOTO!!!!

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      No fake photo. No fake photo. You’re the fake photo.

      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        In Russia, photo fakes YOU!

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    New People magazine:
    What Does Barack Obama Really
    Think of Donald Trump?
    ‘He’s Nothing But a Bullsh–ter’

    • OrG

      Thanks, Obama.

  • Jamoche

    https://twitter.com/ColinKahl/status/864841703227879424
    Well, yeah. Who wants to bring their tutors and their homework along on a road trip?

    • jesterpunk

      He went to Jared is going with him, I am sure he can fit a national security briefing in between his other jobs.

      • Ω cynmac will never surrender

        Like that will stop Dolt 45 from being a complete asshole.

    • Well sure, you don’t need those guys on trips. I mean, have you ever seen them play golf?

  • Joe Beese

    BREAKING:

    American Spectator says there’s videotape of Comey blowing his nose on White House drapes

    Discrediting!!

    • Cheesus Crust _ Rebel

      Certainly better than what the WH staff has been doing with em.

  • Lyly Sirivong

    He creeps me out. *shudders*

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      He’s terrifying.

  • Résistance Land Shark Ω
  • Crystalclear12

    Are we great yet?

    • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

      Not yet, check again tomorrow.

    • We sure are to Pootin and the rich!

      • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

        Sounds like Putin on the rich?

        • Now, if you’re red
          And you don’t know what the fuck here
          Why not ask vlad where his puppet sitssss?
          Pooty on the rich

  • anon_the_great

    Two Sergeys waltz into the White House and say…

    • Oily Messiah

      Nothing, they listen while the POTUS spills his top secret information all over them

    • MynameisBlarney

      BORSCHT!

      • Lance Thrustwell

        Gesundheit.

        • MynameisBlarney

          Dasvidania?

    • Indivisible Snark Tank

      Is “Sergeys” Russian for “Corinthians”? Cuz I’ve heard this one if it is.

  • MynameisBlarney
    • Spicey is about five minutes from a full on breakdown.
      All the shit he did. All the ruining of his rep forever that he did. And the orange fuck stick is blaming HIM as part of the problem

      • Major_Major_Major

        Welllllllll, he kinda is, just the smallest wee smidgen of an infinitesimal bit, part of the problem. Unfortunately Mad Lord Snapcase has misdiagnosed the problem.

        • Spicer is part because he works for the orange idiot.
          I hardly blame him that his orange idiot overlord keeps changing his story every five seconds making Spice look like the lunatic fringe. Considering what he had to work with, he did good.
          Course….he could have NOT taken the job lying for the orange idiot. But what are you, a libtard or something?

          • Mehmeisterjr

            He’s in the US Navy.

            They should put him in the brig for his treasonous betrayal of his military oath.

    • Oily Messiah

      I’m pretty sure Spicer has given up on preparing to talk to the press and now hopes if he mumbles and looks at his shoes enough, people will stop asking him questions.

  • AnnieGetYerFun

    Did the Russian TASS fuckheads have secret microwaves in their panties equipped with microphones?

    Yes, but in their defense, that’s standard attire for a Moscow winter/spring.

  • MynameisBlarney
    • jesterpunk

      Trump is a living breathing Gish Gallop, so much bullshit you cant keep up with it all and cant explain why its wrong before something else comes up.

  • Pre-Existing Condition Jack
    • Ω cynmac will never surrender

      The GOP just to buy some ballz and get it done. Over/Under of when? I say, within a year.

  • Michael Smith

    And yet the fascists on Facebook are responding to this story as “Putin is laughing at the American left right now.”

    Yeah, he probably is. But not because we are overreacting. Because we are right, and can’t seem to do anything about it for now.

  • Jamoche

    Airline industry says making everyone check their laptops is really fucking stupid, to the tune of a $1B economic hit: https://consumerist.com/2017/05/17/airline-industry-says-expanding-ban-on-laptops-would-cost-travelers-1-billion/#more-10278212

    “We are not sure that this ban is adapted to the threat. We don’t know what is the basis or intelligence that justifies this measure.”

    • jesterpunk

      But it would kill the tourism industry even more.

      • Jamoche

        It would start hitting business travel too, and that’s normally a steady market since it isn’t as optional.

        • jesterpunk

          Yeah, if I cant take my laptop with me on a business trip I cant work. And the only trips I go on now are only for training I wouldnt be able to get any more training for my job either. I am sure my company would love that rule.

    • Michael Smith

      Well, their lack of understanding as to the basis of the intelligence apparently puts them in the same boat as the President.

      • Jamoche

        They could ask the Russians, since they know all about it now.

    • Ω cynmac will never surrender

      The main complaint I heard was “how do I keep my kid occupied, if there’s no laptop or tablet”.

      • Jamoche

        They can go back to kicking the back of people’s seats.

    • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

      yeah, the business people, lawyers, accountants, writers, and oh, every other professional flyer will now get to waste 1 – 15 hours in the sky.

      That’s trump’s business acumen on display, that is.

    • Thiazin Red

      Why would it be any better to have them in the hold? Would bombs not work in the hold for some reason? It makes zero sense to me.

      • Jamoche

        That’s also one of the points they bring up. Even if they aren’t bombs, they’re fire risks. Airlines are adding fire containment bags to handle laptops, which’ll do a fuckton of good if they don’t know about it.

        Y’know, now I think about it – who needs to actually put a bomb in? Just increase the odds that a laptop will catch fire in the cargo hold, then take credit for the inevitable crash.

  • YoBunnyBunny

    Is that really a young Pooty Poo???

    I’d totally let him hit it… and then hope that he doesn’t strangle me to death or throw me down an elevator shaft afterwards.

    (I. AM. SHAMELESS.)

  • IdiokraticDrumpfenJugend
    • Michael Smith

      Marie Antoinette might have something to say about that.

    • mackafritz

      A total ego maniacal jerk. Where has he been the last 8 years?

    • MynameisBlarney

      And of course, by “treated worse or more unfairly” he really means, “they’re calling me out on all my felonies and acts of treason!”

      • could you imagine, a moment, Bamz giving a speech to a graduating military class, and whining about how people treat him “unfairly”
        Can you hear in your head the howls and gnashing of teeth from the right wing?

        • mackafritz

          He got howls and gnashing of teeth anyway.

          • This is true, but it makes me a ton more proud that at least our guy didn’t whine about it incessantly.

        • Oily Messiah

          Every single right wing headline would be some variation of “Pussification of America”

    • Hey, Trum Pee…..surety? SURETY???
      Also, have you met…any Democratic president ever?

      • Oily Messiah

        Especially Jimmy Carter

        • Vagenda and Pee-ara

          AKA “History’s Greatest Monster.”

    • Oily Messiah

      Trump has been treated very unfairly, just that the unfairness went to his benefit. He got way more coverage than he fairly deserved.

    • Indivisible Snark Tank

      And somewhere, John Adams is laughing his ass off and saying “Bitch, please!”

      • CindyinEncinitas

        And John Paul Jones is puking over the port side railing.

    • Crank Tango

      I thought he wasn’t a politician? I want my money back.

      • IdiokraticDrumpfenJugend

        The cadets are thinking: “Holy shit, we’re going to be taking orders from this loser!’

    • Vagenda and Pee-ara

      Right, Obama was treated with kid gloves. So unfair!

    • Mary Sandoras

      So he’s probably eating 4 scoops of ice cream now, while Bannon is licking his wounded ego for him.

      • DainBramage

        Is his wounded ego located next to his taint?

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Well he’s licking his wounded something.

    • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

      he give it to obama rough, but NOBODY deserves to “bitch, please” this more than HRC.

    • Elvis Causticfellow

      Does he even have any idea that talking like that is incredibly unbecoming in an adult even in private conversation, much less on formal public occasions?

    • Scooby

      I think he meant no President has treated the media so poorly.

  • Michael Smith

    Is it a coincidence that “President” is spelled like “Pee – resident”????

  • Carpe Vagenda
    • Vagenda and Pee-ara

      Wow, that is a whole new level of crazy.

      • Carpe Vagenda

        Public restrooms seem to have that effect on Tucker.

        • Mehmeisterjr

          Chill, Tucker.

          Hastert and Sandusky are in jail and Larry Craig is in… uh oh, the next stall.

        • Edith Prickly

          OOOH, good one.

        • Vagenda and Pee-ara

          Republican men seem to be fascinated with pee, and homosexual behavior, particularly butt sechs.

    • DainBramage

      And people wonder why Fox viewers are so ill-informed. Wait. No they don’t.

    • Yep, the most important issue facing ‘murrica is how bad it smells when Tucker Carlson takes a dump in public. Can’t think of ANYTHING more important than that.

      • And the low quality of syphilic rent boys willing to touch his goober in the stinky stalls is at 2002 levels.

  • Edith Prickly

    Anyone else think Putin is trying to get Trump turfed out now that he has stopped being a useful idiot and is just A Idiot?

    • MynameisBlarney

      I don’t think pooty-poot cares one way or the other.
      He has achieved his goal of sewing chaos and making America look absolutely fucking ridiculous.

      • This

      • Edith Prickly

        True. Who knew Russians had such a flair for comedy?

        • They’re a really funny bunch.
          True Story time! So I took Russian studies in college, as one does, and the proff was a Russian Priest. Makes total sense.
          Anyway, he was telling us this story of when we was making house calls in Russian during the fasting time of some such saint, and he saw some eggs on this mantle.
          so he asked the guy, Y these eggs out during fasting time?
          And the guy goes: The laws say no cooking eggs during fasting. But, if they just so happen to cook while on the mantle, that would be God’s will, wouldn’t it?

          • whitroth

            Sounds more generic eastern humor. My father had one, about a Jew forced to convert. Priest walking around on a Friday sees chicken on his table, and comes in and asks. The “convert” tells him that he did the same as the priest did: sprinkled water on the chicken, and said, “chicken, you’re no longer a chicken, you’re a fish.”

      • Pre-Existing Condition Jack
  • Joe Beese
  • Vagenda and Pee-ara

    “Comey’s memo — which is “two pages long and highly detailed,” the Washington Post reports — is the kind of document that would be admissible as evidence. In addition to the memo, the contents of which have been confirmed by numerous other news organizations, Trump has publicly suggested he has recordings of the conversation with Comey — a claim the administration has refused to deny or even to discuss in any fashion.

    And the crime detailed in the reported Comey memo, like the smoking-gun tape, is of the utmost seriousness. It is evidence of the president attempting to turn the FBI into an organ of personal control. In addition to the request to lay off Flynn, Trump reportedly asked Comey to direct his resources to the prosecution of leakers within the administration and journalists who report on the leaks.”

    So James Comey knew several weeks or months ago that Trump had committed a crime, and he didn’t bother to tell anyone until after he was fired? Yet that fucker HAD to unleash a “we may have found another risotto recipe on Anthony Weiner’s sex machine laptop that he seduces children with.” I hope Trump AND Comey end up in jail.

    http://nymag.com/daily/intelligencer/2017/05/comeys-memo-is-the-smoking-gun-of-donald-trumps-watergate.html

  • MynameisBlarney
    • Joe Beese
      • kittygrrl

        The new sheriff in town always needs to watch his back due to the young gunslinger looking to make a name for himself by taking said sheriff down.

        • Or in this case, the career fed workers who not only won’t put up with his shit, but don’t have to.

      • BigCSouthside

        God..i’d bet my bonus this guy is the biggest pussy bitch on the planet. Your hat looks mighty clean “cowboy”

        • John Resistant Tovarich Smith

          All hat, no cattle!

      • Bozilingus
        • Rick Hill

          The sheriff is queer?

          • Bozilingus

            He is at least very odd.

    • Mary Sandoras

      Trump just hiring moles at this point.

    • Cheesus Crust _ Rebel

      Welp, I’m packing. Anyone want a nice couch?

      • CindyinEncinitas

        I’m in the market for some new throw rugs…

    • Vagenda and Pee-ara

      Oh, yeah, that’s going to work out great. Clarke reminds me of that crazy cop neighbor who stalks you, and you can’t do anything but move, because nobody believes that a cop would be so insane.

    • kittygrrl

      What? No lock him up for killing prisoners in his jail? Rump administration going for the Guiness Book of World Records for the most ethically challenged douche bags in one presidential administration ever.

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      As what? Assistant Secretary for Prevention of Dirty Looks and Mean Comments?

      • Oily Messiah

        Public engagement. He’ll be the liason officer between DHS and state, local and tribal law enforcement

        • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

          Judge Dredd wasn’t available?

          • Oily Messiah

            To busy shooting another reboot. I heard they tried Clint Eastwood too but he said he was too old to go Dirty Harry again

    • Rick Hill

      This is going to end well…..

    • “Will” or “Would”? This is a very stupid man and might not be particularly gud at Englishing.

      • Oily Messiah

        It’s ok, he can borrow Trump’s words. I hear they’re the best ones.

    • Chadwells

      Is this a joke? No fucking way….

    • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

      Assistant Secretary of “What we’ve got here is failure to communicate”?

    • Edith Prickly

      Has anyone offered him said position, or is he just saying “ooh ooh! pick me!!”

    • Sophia

      The only person who will take a job in trump’s WH

      • Oily Messiah

        Probably better than taking responsibility for deaths that occur in his jail

    • BigCSouthside

      Assistant secretary of Cowboy Cosplay and inmate water distribution.

      I fucking hate that man

    • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

      whatever gets him away from prisoners and the public.

      Give ’em a desk in the basement and lock the doors.

    • Joe Beese

      also he TRAVELLED to MOSCOW on RT’s DIME for the SAME GODDAMN EVENT that FLYNN was at.

      either the administration thinks they’re totally invulnerable or this nomination got in the pipeline weeks ago and they’re too disorganized to stop it.

      http://www.metafilter.com/167031/It-has-been-0-days-since-the-last-Trump-disaster#7031623

    • Chadwells

      Wait….isn’t Clarke part of the fucking Russia shit too?!?!

      http://www.palmerreport.com/politics/david-clarke-trump-russia-flynn-putin/1645/

  • Carpe Vagenda

    So, I guess we know why Trump brought up trafficking with the kids from the Coast Guard (combat this issue?)

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/b4b0ea2d85acec9569a43c25fad7508425525bf97fa8bf4e2a2f1a9263756389.png

    • We finally know the answer to the question “Where the white women at?”

      Edit: Also lol, are those…paper name plates???

      • Carpe Vagenda

        You know they had to rustle up some admins to pad that out.

        • would sure explain why the women seated all look wedged in last minute

          • Indivisible Snark Tank

            I have a feeling there was a meeting at some point to discuss how many women could safely be in a room before it spontaneously combusted. Mike Pence’s wife said, “One.”

      • Bobathonic

        Looks like a damned team building session.

      • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

        huge and classy paper name plates.

        Surprised they’re not gold.

      • Resistance Fighter Astraea

        Ivanka saw some really cute ones on Pinterest

    • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

      are you ivanka, are you really?

      Also, I love the implication that no one’s working on it or ever has. (Am i projecting?)

    • ariel_gee_398

      “This administration is doing everything in its power to ensure that no more wealthy white women are enslaved by their busy schedules, unable to even fit in a massage.”

    • Turgid Love Skwerl

      ANd what are you planning to do that we are not currently doing?

      Are you going to stand up to your dad the Russian mob?

  • kittygrrl

    It would be just so hysterical and wholly appropriate if the tapes Putin supplied to prove Rump’s POV were the infamous pee tapes!

    • Bozilingus

      “Oops, wrong tape, my bad.” – Vlad the Bad

    • shastakoala

      Introducing the invention of snap chat pee tapes.

  • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

    i still say the MINUTE that meeting was over, a bunch of patriotic secret service agents were in there wanding and sweeping for bugs with everything they have.

    (Speaking of which, why is the white house not a SCIF, or have that wacky metal, no signals in or out thing the CIA has?)

    • mackafritz

      I’m sure there are rooms that are. But you can’t make the whole white house signal proof.

      • Internet Hitler

        Well we know there’s wi-fi in the shitter.

      • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

        i guess i should have said oval office, not WH.

    • jesterpunk

      The White House has a SCIF room in one of the other buildings on the property. But the SCIF thing means no phones or cameras which wouldnt work with the press room.

      • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

        good point, as a I said just below – i should have said oval office.

        • jesterpunk

          That wouldnt work either, there are big windows and its where the president has meetings so the press still needs to go in there.

    • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

      I have no idea, man. I always just assumed they did until. . . umm. . . recent developments?

      I was so young and naive once. I believed a lot of things that just aren’t true anymore.

  • Joe Beese
    • Edith Prickly

      HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, thanks Spicey! I needed that laugh.

    • Internet Hitler

      Who was the bottom?

      • Oily Messiah

        Spicer

        • Mehmeisterjr

          And Putin is the Top.

          • Oily Messiah

            Its a big, sweaty, gross sandwich

    • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

      You get the sense now he’s just using cue cards?

    • Cheesus Crust _ Rebel

      There’s an ass and hole in ground joke – some assembly required.

    • Internet Hitler

      If he goes, pleeeease replace him with Alex Jones!

    • jesterpunk

      They found Spicey? i thought he went back to hiding among the bushes?

    • If Spicer gets fired, I hope he gets to guest-host SNL.

      • BosGrl

        His pressers do sometimes have the air of performance art.

      • Oily Messiah

        I still have not gotten tired of this picture

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Betcha Spicer wasn’t smart enough to keep detailed CYA memos.

        NB: “Note to self: Avoid standing among the rose bushes. Ouch!” does not constitute a detailed CYA memo.

    • Pre-Existing Condition Jack
    • An Outhouse for the Resistance

      ‘This’ being ‘the leakers’.

    • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

      Yeah, I bet!

      Was he holding a pudding cup behind his back, between his crossed fingers?

  • BREAKING

    Ex senator/VP candidate Joe Lieberman (D R TORY) is OVERJOYED at the prospect of being the new head of the FBI:

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/df25912ededa0f2e680d25f856c38f076ab553952ba3f1cefd4cb117e3158860.png

    • Carpe Vagenda

      I can’t believe he’d give up working for a billionaire who pays his bills to work for Donald Trump, especially given the uncomfortable situation with Israel.

      • BadKitty904

        I can believe that Joe would do anything that Joe thinks will benefit Joe.

        • Carpe Vagenda

          and I think he’s a cunning enough little mustelid to know that his bread is buttered way better with Bloomberg.

          • BadKitty904

            MUSTELOIDEA LIBELZ!!1!

    • mackafritz

      Who would want that job if they have to pledge allegiance to dumdum?

    • Vecchioivan

      Oh gawd . . .

  • lucidamente
  • BadKitty904

    Atta boy, Vlad – you keep throwing gasoline on that fire…

    • Oily Messiah

      Exhibit A, your honor

  • RobKanC

    Well Putin said it. Must be true that Orange one is not a spy. That proves it once and for all. Go back to your jobs ppl.

  • Jesse

    Evan Hurst is blowing it up today! What did you guys put in his coffee this morning???

    • jesterpunk

      Extra coffee, here is an exclusive shot of Evan right now.

      https://media.giphy.com/media/EirzI9AfbKsE/giphy.gif

    • Oily Messiah

      Pee Tapes apparently

    • Major_Major_Major

      Bath salts, and meth. The beffist urv Cham-peens.

    • mackafritz

      Super powered Red Bull.

    • Vagenda and Pee-ara

      Unbeknownst to Evan, we replaced his restaurant coffee with pure, unadulterated Russian hooker pee, which we labeled “Folgers.”.

      • shastakoala

        Caffeinated hooker pee!

        • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

          Dark, sparkling hooker pee. Let’s see if he notices the difference.

      • whitroth

        Oh, I thought I made coffee for him… from the Columbian supremo beans. Folgers? You mean, office coffee?

        • Vagenda and Pee-ara

          Nope – it’s spelled “supeeremo!”

    • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

      Somebody lit a fire under that boy’s ass today, as my mom used to say.

  • Ω cynmac will never surrender

    Washington Monthly finally got around to addressing Comey’s memos.
    http://washingtonmonthly.com/2017/05/17/comey-kept-a-paper-trail-of-his-conversations-with-trump/

  • Vagenda and Pee-ara

    Reuters poll showing Trump at 54.6% disapproval rating as of May 15th. Five Thirty Eight has him at 54.3%. Forty percent of people, and 100% of idiots, still think he’s doing a bang up job.

    • jesterpunk
      • Joe Beese

        Vince has made his share of fuck-ups but damn he was one of the all-time great heels.

        • jesterpunk

          He also doesnt mind getting embarrassed on TV and will do just about anything he has to even though he is the owner of the company.

    • Rick Hill

      I’d say, of that 40%, are people who do not give half a thought to anything and are answering the equivalent of “Yeah, sure, why not?” instead of actual approval

      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        Also “I voted for him to watch the snowflakes cry, and look at them now. Ha ha! What? Trump is cutting my Medicaid? WTF? Inpeach!”

  • Angela Ruzzo

    So we can trust transcripts from the Russian government now? These are the people who said that they knew nothing about Raoul Wallenberg, when they had him locked up in one of their prisons for thirty years.

    • Mahousu

      Pretty sure their transcripts will show up with an 18 and a half minute gap. For tradition’s sake.

      • whitroth

        Y’know, Arlo noted that that was *exactly* the length of the original recording….

  • Politiquacks

    You missed ‘Putin’s maybe intelligence (but obviously not intelligent) asset.’

  • Joe Beese

    Clarke is in line to be appointed as assistant secretary at DHS’ Office of Partnership and Engagement, which coordinates outreach to state, local and tribal officials and law enforcement. The position does not require Senate confirmation.

    http://www.politico.com/story/2017/04/28/david-clarke-homeland-security-post-237760

    • Chadwells

      Yeah…..there’s a guy who oozes “partnership and engagement.”

    • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

      if there’s one thing clarke knows it’s “outreach” /s

      FFS, he pisses off everyone he comes into contact with.
      Add the nation’s law enforcement to people trump and co. have royally pissed off.

    • Chadwells
      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        Well, when you phrase it like that, you are making it sound kind of negative. “Kill” is such an ugly word, Clarke prefers the term “lessened the inmate population by one.”

    • Oily Messiah

      Read this as, his job will be to berate and belittle local law enforcement departments (on national news) that refuse to kowtow to the administrations immigration policy

    • BigCSouthside

      This guy’s face needs to partnered with a 2×4 and engaged by it repeatedly

      (With votes)

      • yyyaz

        After it is pried from the OPOS’ taint with a crowbar, of course.

  • Mahousu

    Trump just said that “no politician in history . . . has been treated worse or more unfairly [than me].” It’s true, at least Lincoln got to see most of the play first.

  • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

    OT: Some of y’all just HAVE to watch “Z Nation” with me.

    I know, I know, another zombie show – but this is absolutely the most batshit insane show I’ve ever seen. It’s awesome.

    • Joe Beese

      Every time I think the zombie craze has died, it staggers back.

      • MynameisBlarney

        That’s how they getcha!
        Wait until your guard is down then BAM!

      • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

        i know, i know – but this is just…i can’t explain how bizarre this show is.

        Look, two of our heroes just picked up a zombie that was bitten by our kidnapped bad guy/half-zombie’s daughter, to guide them to where she is.
        One of the heroes tells our hippie hero not to get the zombie stoned.

        And that doesn’t count the episode wiht the time loop, the one with the crazy cartel death cult, the one with the aliens, or the “one flew over the cuckoo’s nest” parody.

        • Wild Cat

          Hippie hero?

          What’s this obsession (beyond a really silly right-wing meme for liberals)? It wasn’t like people were obsessed with flappers in the mid-1970s?

          What’s next? Kids singing “Feelin’ Groovy” in a contemporary pee-hooker film?

          • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

            he’s actually pretty cool. one of those “far out” weed smoking dudes. He’s actually a pretty loveable character.

            In one episode, he gets taken in by 3 sexy ladies…who turn out to be psycho cannibals.

          • Wild Cat

            Y’know, even Herschell Gordon Lewis passed on the Hippie/cannibals genre. Ed Wood, however . . .

          • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

            i’m telling you, this show is just fucking nuts.

            It reminds me of a review for a game called Saints Row IV (which is also batshit crazy).
            The reviewer said, “the designers remembered games are supposed to be fun.” (In the game you are a former leader of a crime syndicate, who gets elected president, until aliens invade. THanks to alien tech, you can basically fly and move stuff with your mind).

            Anyway, the creators of this show remembered tv is supposed to be fun.

          • Wild Cat

            Maybe I’ll catch it one day. It’ll certainly be more realistic than Fox Misinformation.

          • whitroth

            GAHHHH!!!!! NO! (and I *am* a leftover hippie….)

    • Vagenda and Pee-ara

      Is it about the Trump White House? Does Trump end up getting his face eaten off by a zombie? If so, I will watch it with you!

      • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

        so one track mind you people!
        Enjoy a world where there is no trump.

        (Dammit, I forgot, two episodes ago they make fun of trump; two con artists are trying to convince a town of survivors to make them president of the U.S. (so they can steal their supplies). One of them announces he wants to build a wall to keep out the zombies. the other, a trump look alike who wears a wig, argues a bunch of deep holes would actually be better. Then he brags about his big hands).

      • Joe Beese

        Zombies are attracted to brains, remember?

        • whitroth

          So a zombie eats Trumpolini’s head, and re-dies of starvation?

        • Vagenda and Pee-ara

          Damn it! I always give away the fact that I’ve never been a nerd, and don’t know shit about monsters, My Little Pony, or SciFi.

    • BABY ZOMBIE rules! Heeere, Baby Baby!

      • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

        she does! And she only gets funnier as she ages (she ages faster, cause, zombie, I guess).

        • H0mer0

          [I guess she wasn’t “well preserved.”]

    • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

      also too, there’s a joke about zombie george rr. martin signing “fire and ice” for eternity, and I’m pretty sure it’s actually martin making a cameo.

  • Mumen Rider Justice CRASH!
    • Ω cynmac will never surrender

      We are more likely to be taken over by the Chinese, given the loans that have been taken out. Trump and his toadies chose the Russians, but the rest of the US didn’t.
      That said, I’ll be learning Chinese or Spanish. Spanish has been emerging as the bridge language.

  • Joe Beese

    Elizabeth Foley beseeches you to please think of the children.

    Such generic “he’s-a-good-guy-can’t-you-drop-the-charges?” statements are routinely made to investigators and prosecutors. Defending one’s self, client or friend is a natural instinct, and beseeching leniency is not tantamount to obstruction. Holding otherwise would endorse a breathtaking expansion of obstruction, and be utterly inconsistent with First Amendment freedoms.

    Principled objections to Mr. Trump’s policies and leadership style should not blind opponents to the dangers of repeated, knee-jerk calls for criminal prosecution of the president of the United States. Let the evidence unfold, and reserve serious charges if and when the evidence warrants it. Crying wolf undermines the credibility of the opposition, further divides an already deeply divided country and breeds cynicism about American institutions that is as dangerous to our republic, if not more, than outside meddling.

    https://www.nytimes.com/2017/05/17/opinion/trumps-fbi-comey-statements-are-not-an-obstruction-of-justice.html

    • Vagenda and Pee-ara

      I love how Republicans are suddenly “this nations is just sooo polarized, if only we could figure out how it got that way.” Ummm…maybe turn on Fox News for five minutes?

      • BigCSouthside

        Yep the whole “Libtards are going to let muslims ass fuck Jesus with your gun after they take it away gahhhhhhhhh!” Shit for 20 yrs had nothing to do with it.

        Ironic given that despite them being the dumbest fucks to ever walk the land, we (libtards) still want to keep them alive, healthy, employed, and leave a clean planet to their kids.

        • Vagenda and Pee-ara

          Yeah, now that Liberals are also starting to really hate their guts for their unpatriotic bullshit, they’re suddenly pulling the victim card out. “Why is everyone so mean to us?” Gee, maybe because when you idiots manage to elect a president and/or Congress, they turn out to be horrible for EVERYONE.

    • BigCSouthside

      But…he fired the dude over the investigation and admitted it.

    • Major_Major_Major

      Lizzie, my dear, this little song is for you (to the tune of JOhn Jacob Jinglehimer Schmidt):
      Fu-uuh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uck you

      • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

        Then there’s the patronizing column by David Brooks about how Trump should somehow be mercifully removed because he doesn’t have the temperament or capability to be president.

        • yyyaz

          As always, the moranz are only in favor of rational policies when a family member needs it. In this case, euthanasia.

    • yyyaz

      Wah, fucking wah.

    • Resistance Fighter Astraea

      I’m not a lawyer but I think it’s different when a rando friend asks for leniency than someone with the power to fire the prosecutor. And I for one would like a president with the sense and self control to resist inappropriate “instincts”

      • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

        the chief justice of hte florida supreme court once made a comment in an opinion (IIRC) saying “the appearance of impropriety is often worse than actual impropriety.”

        IN other words, “it looks bad” is pretty goddamn bad.

    • whitroth

      When it’s the (alleged – he crossed his fingers when he took the Oath) President having a private meeting with the head of the FBI, and ask, and HE’S THE ONE UNDER INVESTIGATION, no, sorry, it *is* attempted obstruction of justice.

      At least that starts the move, even though the emoluments, and nepotism, and lying in office didn’t.

    • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

      Such generic “he’s-a-good-guy-can’t-you-drop-the-charges?” statements are routinely made to investigators and prosecutors.

      NOT BY THE INVESTIGATOR’S OR PROSECUTOR’S BOSS! My God, woman, do we have to spell it out for you in small words?

      • Resistance Fighter Astraea

        Apparently

        • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

          You get the finger puppets. I’ll bring the pop-up book.

          • yyyaz

            I’ll bring the drool bucket.

          • CindyinEncinitas

            I have some orange slices around here somewhere.

    • Alan

      Depends on who makes the statement.

    • SeeTrain65

      Pardon me, Callyson, while I scream your oft-used phrase into the abyss …

      “OH, FOR FUCK’S SAKE!”

  • Martini Ambassador 🍸

    Prick picks punchable pinhead
    https://twitter.com/SimonMaloy/status/864932494373728257

    Sorry Zippy–this really should have been a Wonkville hed.

    • ariel_gee_398

      Plus, noted Islamaphobe Stephen Miller is writing his speech on Islam. What could possibly go wrong?

      • Martini Ambassador 🍸

        They couldn’t set themselves up to fail harder if they tried.

      • BigCSouthside

        Trump, reading a Miller speech for the first time, on literally one of the top 5 most sensitive subjects discussed in politics today, in 100 degree heat, while jet lagged

        Bust out the motherfuckin popcorn cuz that shits gonna be crazy.

        • An Outhouse for the Resistance

          Maybe they’ll throw their shoes at him, with votes.

      • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

        That speech better be live. That’s going to be some Must See TV.

      • Ω cynmac will never surrender

        To be delivered in Saudi Arabia. Will they make it out alive? Enquiring minds want to know.

        • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

          whose got money on riots?
          I’m betting riots.

          • Ω cynmac will never surrender

            Stoning and burning in effigy?

    • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

      lord, i love lithe alliteration.

      also too, the country spawned islam?
      Isn’t that…ya know…completely wrong?

      Glad he’s going to be a force at HOMELAND FUCKING SECURITY.

      these fucking guys.

    • Crank Tango

      True fact: no christian ever killed anybody.

      • whitroth

        ROTFLMAO!

      • LucindathePook

        Certainly not another Christian. The religion has no factionalism and has always been at peace.

    • Carpe Vagenda

      If Islam is such a combative religion, why are muslims fleeing muslims?

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      D’oh! He ain’t one of us!

  • Ω cynmac will never surrender
    • laughingnome

      Just about to post this.

    • YoBunnyBunny

      MAGA!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So much winnering, amiright?

      • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

        I propose we officialy adopt another wonker’s comment from this morning, “Make America “Gahhhh!” Again.”

        (some edits were made, they are merely suggestions).

      • THE WINNING is SO MUCH the whole country is on the brink of collectively fainting dead away into a WINNING coma because of THE WINNING.

    • Alan

      Meh.

  • MynameisBlarney
  • William
    • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

      this would be a perfect answer for one of those LSAT questions that asks you to pick the answer that most closely resembles the logic in the prompt. (The logic is almost always flawed).

      • H0mer0

        isn’t that what being a lawyer is about?

  • Bill D. Burger

    Oh goddamnit’….Just heard that whineCzar Joe Lieberman has been asked to the WH to interview for FBI director. Guess Miss Lindsey and JohnnyMac are excited at the prospect of the 3rd Amigo’s return.

    https://randomoverload.org/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/731b188db0empire.jpg.jpg

    • An Outhouse for the Resistance

      Its fine. Whoever takes the job is going to get Trump all over them. It might as well be Leiberman.

      • Bill D. Burger

        I had just so hoped never to hear that low, slow whining voice EVER again. Just finding out he was still alive was depressing.

        http://www.reactiongifs.com/r/prudd.gif

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        Yup, let Joe tarnish himself with Trump splooge. He may be an Israel firster and a warmonger, but I doubt he thinks much of Donnie.

        • bupkus231

          “Israel firster”?? Hey, maybe that’s why Rump is floating Lieberman’s name now – in an ( as usual ) worthless attempt to “make up” to the rightwingnutjob Israeli gov’t for burning their intelligence assets.

    • Thiazin Red

      Palpatine, take it easy with the rouge, too much dude.

    • Alan

      I thought he disappeared.

  • Chadwells
    • jesterpunk

      He should get Barron to secure the website, he knows the cyber really well. Its amazing how good at the cyber he is.

      • Chadwells

        I can get us a boat. Just sayin!!

  • An Outhouse for the Resistance

    In hindsight, carrying two communications devices is probably not such huge deal, is it, Hillary?

    • Ω cynmac will never surrender

      Better than a Samsung Galaxy 3.

    • H0mer0

      I saw Robert Gibbs years ago at his sons’ Cub Scout Pinewood Derby looking at his two communication devices. I asked him “are you who I think you are?”

  • Chadwells
    • Just for the love of god not today.

  • Bill D. Burger
    • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

      not to mention repeatedly declaring he had the sole, unchallenged right to do…well lotsa stuff.

      The right bitched when Obama did stuff he DID actually have a right to do. (See orders, executive).

    • YoBunnyBunny

      Demanded Obama be impeached??? Hell, those motherfuckers would have demanded he be LYNCHED!!!!

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      They would have stormed the White House with actual pitchforks and torches months ago. These idjits would have brought the entire federal government to a screeching halt immediately and refused to budge an inch until Bamz was literally hanging from the nearest tree

    • Ferroequinologist Ron

      Give us those tax cuts and kill the ACA and we’ll talk.
      – the GOP

    • ThunderCat

      I keep reading “cuddling” instead of “colluding” — and that picture ain’t pretty.

  • William
    • Chadwells

      HAHAHA!!!!

  • Jesse

    Vladimir Putin is gaslighting American democracy.

    • jesterpunk

      I think Trump has that handled pretty well on his own with out Vlad’s help.

  • Bill D. Burger
    • Nockular cavity

      Nixon? Needs lotz moar swearing.

      • yyyaz

        “… like this hoofwanking bunglecunt of a bitch.”

      • H0mer0

        [and antisemitism]

    • Thiazin Red

      I agree Dick. Burglarizing opponents is not cool, but you did not knowingly employ an agent of a hostile government or tell agents of said government secret stuff directly. So I will give you that.

    • Nicky Ott

      Get your ex back with the help of an online spell caster who saved my relationship Dr Love from Ghana, do you still love and miss your ex the opportunity is here to get your him back, don’t give up yet , happiness is worth fighting for. emal Dr love for help at lovespiritualtemple@gmail.com or call him at +233545858771

  • Bill D. Burger

    What an inspiring speech today to the Coast Guard class, huh? lmao
    All about himself ~surprise~___ A whine and bitch fest of epic proportions.
    “I’m so fucking great, and everyone knows how great and successful I’ve been as president….but the media won’t report it. ……”

    A captive audience had to sit and listen to that. On and one…droning, whining, bitching and moaning about how badly HE WAS BEING TREATED.
    “Thank you. I know you’re all inspired to go out and succeed.”

  • Jamoche

    This is the county where Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III grew up:
    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DAC06JQXkAESuAN.jpg

  • bupkus231

    I suppose OT, but I just saw something that many of us have “feared” – Racist asshole Milwaukee Co. Sheriff David Clarke is going to Homeland Security:

    Link: http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/controversial-sheriff-david-clarke-hired-homeland-security-article-1.3174234

    Of course, from the piece, it sounds like it’s only Clarke himself saying this now – so, who knows if it’s true or not. At least it’s only as an “assistant secretary”, liaising wuth state and local police – but hiring this POS in any capacity is just more of the Rump administration’s practice of hiring the worst possible person for a job…

    • Jamoche
      • Chadwells

        Nope. It actually does not require confirmation as Joe Beese pointed out earlier. It’s for some law enforcement outreach bullshit.

        “Clarke is in line to be appointed as assistant secretary at DHS’ Office of Partnership and Engagement, which coordinates outreach to state, local and tribal officials and law enforcement. The position does not require Senate confirmation.”

        • bupkus231

          I guess I’ve been so far behind this news ( now that I’ve scrolled down and seen earlier entries ) – Of course, Clarke is still the worst possible person ( with the possible exception of Fat Joe Arpaio ) for a position coordinating “outreach”….

          Maybe he’ll get indicted over those jail deaths and have to resi… uh, wait – in the Rump admin, it appears being under criminal indictments might be seen as a “plus” ( draws attention away from the Criminal-in-Chief ).

          • Chadwells

            He’s also all tied up in the Russia thang…he’s trash.

          • JustDon’tSayFlatEarth

            Is “outreach-around” a thing?

        • Fartknocker

          Good. Most metro police chiefs will see him as nothing more than a political hack, a lousy commander, but will see how much DHS money they can get from the Milwaukee Barney Fife. The nice thing: he gives up his uniform, all of his flair, and his current command.

          • Alan

            He knows he wasn’t going to be re-elected.

  • Chadwells

    OT: Any self-respecting anchor who goes to this fucking bullshit….may as well quit the next day. GTFOH. Looking at you Pelley.

    “Trump to lunch with network anchors”

    http://www.politico.com/blogs/on-media/2017/05/17/donald-trump-tv-network-anchors-lunch-238516

    • Ferroequinologist Ron

      I don’t want to read the story because I want to see him with actual anchors tied to his ankles. With votes, of course.

      • Chadwells

        a-freakin-men.

  • Bill D. Burger

    Reactions to Trumps epic Pity Party speech to the Coast Guard grads today:

    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DADVlRMUwAA-lkG.jpg

    • Courser_Resistance

      Poor Bamz just puked on the floor

      • Résistance Land Shark Ω

        Coffee out his nose.

  • Paperless Tiger

    Tape — that’s why I hate a motherfucker who can’t talk in code. They will get you busted. Most people don’t have to be taught how to do it. They learn it by high school.

    • H0mer0

      Tiger, X-nay on the ode cay…

  • Jacob Prescott

    What frosts me the most is the fact that people like Brooks/Friedman/Sykes/Kristol cut their teeth demonizing Clinton, made their bones by propping up Bush, and transformed into “independents” during Obama now have the gall to crib the notes of Liberal blogs over a decade old.

    Whats that Charlie Sykes? You say conservatives have lost their minds? You don’t say. I distinctly remember a lot of liberals making that claim decades ago but you were probably too busy (and loudly) calling them traitors to hear them. Yet somehow people who have been wrong about their own movement all along get hired into lucrative pundit positions as “experts.” What a farce.

    • mailman27

      This, this and more of this. Check out Charlie Pierce yesterday, also and too.

    • Paul

      Driftglass rages about this almost daily.

      driftglass.blogspot.com

  • From the Transcript…

    Trump moved on “Chachi” like a “bitch” but could not get “there”.
    https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-4Ib3SRsFiwY/VHGZld82MRI/AAAAAAAAJ3s/s8c3c4BbZRE/s1600/ScottBaioCenterfold03.jpg

  • theblackdog

    I’m sure he can provide further transcripts from any of the bugs that were planted after last week’s meeting.

  • mailman27

    Is it still called “Five Eyes” from back in the Moshe Dayan days?

  • Résistance Land Shark Ω

    Remember when you could gloss over the news articles about what the President did today because they were mostly innocuous? Good times … good times …

  • jaspersdad

    The day has finally come – when US voters have to ask Russia what’s going on in their Whitehouse!

  • andyshelt

    Putin is playing 3D chess at levels that would have Spock reeling and on the ropes while Trump is still trying to master Connect 4.

    Putin may be a cold-blooded psychopath but you have to respect his trolling skills.

    Well played, Vlad, well played.

  • dshwa

    Somewhere, Nikita Khrushchev is giggling “I told you” into his vodka.

  • Ferroequinologist Ron

    After this level of trolling, the DSFB trolls are going to seem pretty damned weak.

  • Scooby

    Russia knows how to protect its assets.

  • Pierre_de_Fermat

    Rick Wilson and Jeet Heer:

    //twitter.com/TheRickWilson/status/864978629721296896

    • Pierre_de_Fermat

      Dear Trump Folks:You're either a cooperating witness…or a target.Choose wisely.— Rick Wilson (@TheRickWilson) May 17, 2017

      hahahahahahahahaha

  • ThunderCat

    That wife-beater shirt, the bling (a thumb-ring? seriously?!, and that shit-eating grin … almost as classy as the Thai king’s get-up (https://i.ytimg.com/vi/AsjUG_ipDmg/hqdefault.jpg).

  • Nicky Ott

    Get your ex back with the help of an online spell caster who saved my relationship Dr Love from Ghana, do you still love and miss your ex the opportunity is here to get your him back, don’t give up yet , happiness is worth fighting for. email Dr love for help at lovespiritualtemple@gmail.com or call him at +233545858771 ……..

  • Panika MCD

    a) as part of his deal with the Russian banks, Tsarina Short Fingers agreed to have all his dental work done in Russia. he has recording devices in his fillings. it’s true! I read it on the interneT!

    b) there would have to be at least 4 Russian Pee Hookers in the Oval Office–the two that are always there for Tsarina Tic Tacs to grab by the pussy and one each for McMasterbate and Lord Rexforth Tittler & Sons. two if they are good boys. maybe they borrowed Bannon’s. where has Bannon been lately anyhow? what about that other weird Hungarian dude?

Previous articleFox Celebrates Comey News With Wall-To-Wall Coverage Of Hillary Murder Fox News Made Up
Next articleNC Senate Republicans Slash Education — In Democrats’ Districts. No Reason, Just To Be Pricks