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This motherfucker right here, you guys.

[Obligatory walk-in-the-shoes paragraph] It’s not like Jeff Sessions can actually help it. This dude is of the age where one contemplates mortality and one’s legacy and all us profane children are demanding to smoke our weed and not oppress black people and what the fuck has his life even been about if that’s the world he leaves behind? Like, once you’ve dedicated yourself to suppressing democracy and upholding bigotry for a solid few decades surely you become mired in evil, past the point at which you could repent without tearing your own soul apart because it turns out you never bought a word of all that Jesus shit, it just bought you votes. And that’s what this dude is facing in the mirror every morning, or it is if he has a single shred of decency left to him, which is questionable!

No really, THIS fuckin’ guy.

My personal theory is that he’s suffering from a fugue state brought on by the specter of an incompetent charismatic TV dude in the White House, because if he thinks this is the 1980s it would explain why he is touting “Just Say No” as drug policy! It worked so well the first time! (“Just Say No” was the centerpiece of 1980s drug policy, which mostly consisted of telling white kids to put down the doobie via breakfast-focused object lessons on TV while locking up black and brown adults at just fucking astronomical rates.)

This memorandum is not sensible. Eric Holder called it “dumb on crime,” then followed THAT up with “ideologically-motivated, cookie-cutter approach that has only been proven to generate unfairly long sentences that are often applied indiscriminately and do little to achieve long-term public safety.”

We can only assume that Mr. Sessions saw that ISIS police video and thought his dick looked tiny in comparison. Since the formal announcement of dick-measuring back during the debates, pretty much all of politics can be explained in the same terms we’re used to using for penis-fencing monkeys.

Now we cannot say categorically that Jefferson Beauregard Sessions is a racist fuckbag, but most people who are not racist fuckbags generally agree that sentencing disparities are shitty. They do not rise to one of the highest offices in the land and bring them back into fashion.

On the up side, the coming battle between MAGA conservatives and disruptive weed-investing techbros might have some entertainment value, which I am sure will be a lot of consolation for the flood of newly convicted felons who will add to our already-overcrowded prison system, which not incidentally is up for sale to the highest bidder and golly gee willikers, to our utter shock the private prison system has just been dying to build new prisons from which to derive record profits, which can only end well!

There will be no stone(r) left unturned in the fight for Justice, which we here in America The Great define as “banana republic-level incarceration rates!”

But let’s end on a happy note, and that is that in 2018, we should have a Congress amenable to this.

[NBC/WaPo/Week/Wonkette]

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  • ManchuCandidate

    Sessions: I love it when a plan comes together,
    /everyone else/: I pity the fool who keeps living in the 80s.
    /Sessions tries to sit on Mr T’s lap/

  • Oily Messiah

    Session was voted “Most Likely to Lead Risen-Again South” at his high-school in Alabama.

  • Chadwells
  • Ferrockman

    Well if this goes through and they get tough on drug crime that will kill off Taco Bell’s late night business

  • memzilla Ω

    This move will not only guarantee profits for the two largest private prison corporations in the world, but since felons — who will be overwhelmingly black and brown — lose the right to vote, it’s another tool of voter suppression.

    New Orleans is tearing out memorials to the Confederacy, and Dolt 45 installed one as head of the Justice Department.

    • Cat Cafe for the Investigation

      Not just “voter suppression,” but also a tool of unpaid black labor…. hmmm, sounds familiar, where have I heard that before….

    • Carole

      Also Aramark and other corporations who provide food for the prisons.

      • willi0000000

        “food” assumes facts not in evidence.

  • PubOption
    • BrianW

      I can never hear this without thinking about the opening scenes from Rollerball. The good one with James Caan, not that stupid remake.

  • Chadwells

    Why does the media continue to give that fucking imbecile, Roger Stone Jr., airtime?

    • jesterpunk

      Because ratings.

      • Bub, Zombie of the Resistance

        I sometimes think it’s because if you put the real fringe whackos out there, it makes the somewhat less extreme types seem almost reasonable. As though they were trying to normalize them. Not that I’m a conspiracy type or anything…

        • C4TWOMAN

          This is a thing in small politics circles and cults. Have some extreme nuts who push the basic premise of whateverthefuck woo it is, but with some really wooly loopy stuff. The mainstream bullshiters call this ‘disinfo” or “poisoning the well”, speculate the reason for it is someone’s trying to discredit the woo. Everyone who’s bought the woo are radicalised and feel validated they’re doing something real, otherwise why try to discredit it?

          The truth is the hucksters invented both the woo AND the woo extremists. It’s a con.

      • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

        Rantings?

        • jesterpunk

          That too.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Because he’s a ‘character’ and he draws viewers.

    • La forza del resistino

      He has dirty pictures of himself that he won’t stop sending producers unless they book him.

  • Anna Elizabeth

    This guy makes we want to vomit.

    • MynameisBlarney

      He makes me want to break things.

      • Lance Thrustwell

        He makes me want to break vomit.

        • schmannity

          or break bad.

    • Carole

      Anna, glad you are OK.

      • Anna Elizabeth

        Thank you :)

    • Al Swearengen

      WB on you Ali-like return to the ring!

      • Anna Elizabeth

        Thank you :D

  • maxneanderthal

    Custer’s Last stand in the war on drugs.
    The rest of the world goes “whatever”..

  • JParkerSD46

    Couple of things: A) let’s stop calling them “conservatives” and call them what they really are, which is “reactionaries”, those who oppose political and social progress and favor a return to a repressive social structure. That’s what we’re dealing with in regards to Sessions. And, 2- maybe Wonkette can’t categorically say it, so I will. Jeff-uh-sun Bow-ree-gahd Sessions the Thuhd is very categorically a racist fuckbag horsecock sandwich dickwhistle. Thank you for your kind attention.

    • SpideySenser

      The only thing I can add to that is hoofwanking bunglecunt.

    • YoBunnyBunny

      Reactionaries is almost too kind. I’d just call ’em “Regressives” to sum up everything they do: take money from the poor, turn back civil rights and human rights, stuff the queers in the closets and the women in the kitchen, drop the national IQ to dumb-as-fuck, and who the fuck needs democracy anymore, amiright?

    • Lamashtar

      In my memory (which is wrong, I know) we started calling Newt Gingrich’s people “neo-conservatives” because they were in the Republican party, but didn’t actually act or keep to actual conservatism.

      Years later, I now hear the Marxists calling all the capitalists in the Democratic Party “neo-liberals”, a label whose achievement requires no strict ideology other than *not* extreme left.

      Bearing this in mind, I am sure that re-labeling the Russian Party the “reactionaries” means that soon we will be called the “revolutionaries”.

  • schmannity

    This is really a 2-fer for the Grand Old Peewhores–increased profits for private prisons and near-permanent disenfranchisement for people of color.

  • MynameisBlarney
  • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

    Ah yes, let’s make sentencing one-size-fits-all again. So great.
    “It’s a way of looking like you’re tough on crime, without assuming the burden of being tough on crime.”

  • C4TWOMAN

    (“Just Say No” was the centerpiece of
    1980s drug policy, which mostly consisted of telling white kids to put
    down the doobie via breakfast-focused object lessons on TV while locking
    up black and brown adults at just fucking astronomical rates.)

    Nuh huh. It also told “inner city youths” they could pull themselves out of poverty by getting a minimum wage job at McDonald’s instead of dealing crack. Just say No. And bootstraps! So there!

    • Turgid Love Skwerl

      SUPER PREDATORS! White kids go there to buy crack, must lock up small time dealers forever!

  • BearLeft

    Why just last night I was scooping the litter box in marvel at the output of my new old guy and just said spontaneously, “Well, aren’t you just full of Jeff Sessions!” And it just fit.

    I thought about it for a moment and decided that this would not work for the Orange Asswipe Presnit, because the universe is diminished every time his name is spoken.

    But “full of Jeff Sessions” works. I think it’s got legs.

  • Jenny

    Oh man the DARE t-shirts were the coolest shirts. Every stoner kid wanted one!

    • msanthropesmr

      My tshirt said Eric Clapton

      • Jenny

        I got a shirt one year where the font was like the font of Michael Jackson’s thriller. FASHION STATEMENT!

  • C4TWOMAN
  • MynameisBlarney
  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Sessions didn’t mention any programs by name in his speech to law enforcement officials on Wednesday, but he recalled the effort fondly:

    Educating people and telling them the terrible truth about drugs and addiction will result in better choices by more people.

    That philosophy is only half right, said Eric Sterling, who as a Congressional aide helped draft the tough-on-crime laws that marked the Reagan Era and now works to unwind their effects as executive director of The Criminal Justice Policy Foundation.

    “He’s right that this should be getting attention at the highest level, that parents should take action and find things that are effective,” Sterling said. “But when he starts using rhetoric like ‘just say no,” he is identifying with the more superficial approach that is not effective with the target audience of teenagers you’re trying to reach. It’s an approach that is not evidence-based.”

    “Evidence-based? Wassat?”

    _ Jeff Sessions, probably

    • jesterpunk

      It worked so well for sex education… oh wait.

  • La forza del resistino

    cuz Melissa McSpicer is never OT:
    https://youtu.be/VfD0a6JnPZw

  • Duchess Gummybuns

    This asshole. It seems that the only jobs that are being created are prison builders and prison guards. We already have the highest rate of prisoners to population on the planet, how exactly is this an improvement??!!

  • Turgid Love Skwerl

    Fuck that Sessions guy.

    • anwisok

      Not even with Turgid Love Muscles’ love muscle.

  • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

    (“Just Say No” was the centerpiece of 1980s drug policy, which mostly consisted of telling white kids to put down the doobie via breakfast-focused object lessons on TV while locking up black and brown adults at just fucking astronomical rates.)

    Don’t forget the deluge of TV cartoons where even the most evil, megalomaniacal, world-conquering villain would absolutely refuse to ever consider drugs or drug trafficking as a means of making money.

    • Jenny

      Yeah, what did Mr./Dr. Claw do anyway?

      • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

        The cat was the mastermind, dear. :)

        • Jenny

          Well yeah that’s implied but the cat wasn’t dealing catnip?? Puppy mills?

          • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

            Probably selling illicit tuna fish on the side.

    • richardgrabman

      Pancho Villa actually turned down the idea as a way of fund raising for his Revolution. But then, Pancho didn’t drink or smoke, either.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Daniel Raymond, deputy director of planning and policy at the Harm Reduction Coalition, took issue with Sessions’ premise that society is more tolerant of drug use. Sessions bemoaned in particular the growing acceptance of marijuana.

    Despite more states legalizing pot, its use by young people hasn’t changed much in recent years, and their use of other drugs has declined, Raymond said. Those conclusions are included in the latest findings by the National Institute on Drug Abuse.

    Prevention efforts, Raymond said, “should not be about hammering that drugs are bad, but that some people have vulnerabilities, and need to be given skills to get through life without relying on illicit drugs.”

    Sure, but then Jeff Sessions doesn’t get to look like a tough macho guy. You can see the bind he’s in!

    • Beowoof14

      As Jeff bears a striking resemblance to the Keebler elf, looking like a macho tough guy is off the table.

  • Anna Rompage

    I think the only matrix that he measures himself by, is that if he can fill the prisons in this country to capacity, then he must be doing his job right….

    BTW, did I mention that one of the 3 things the US is actually #1 in the world is the number of people per capita that are incarcerated? Yep, more than Iran, more than North Korea, more than China, and more than Russia…

    The other two things we top the list at;
    ~Defense Spending
    ~The number of people who believe angels are real…

    • Bub, Zombie of the Resistance

      Six times more people per capita incarcerated than in Canada. As a Canadian corrections officer, I find that statistic mind-numbing.

  • jesterpunk

    Well if no one else is going to do it I will.

    https://i.imgur.com/bVlUJZc.jpg

    • I think you could just post this comment on every article that concerns any person from the Trump administration or the Trump family.

  • richardgrabman

    But… but… think of the investors in the private prison biz.

    • Bub, Zombie of the Resistance

      They are.

      • epazote

        *Private prisons
        *50 cent an hour prison labor churning out products for shareholder owned corporations
        * Millions more felon non whites stripped of their right to vote
        (“Winning”)

  • IdiokraticDrumpfenJugend

    Hey Sessions, here’s one of your piece-of-shit heros getting his proper regard:http://rudepundit.blogspot.co.uk/2017/05/need-pick-me-up-in-this-terrible-time.html

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    So now will the stoners actually vote? I mean, for someone other than Bernie.

    • jesterpunk

      Jill Stein but only if the polling station doesnt have any wifi.

    • Marceline

      Sure. They’ll vote for Gary Johnson.

      • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

        I forgot about Gary!…but, didn’t everyone?

        • Marceline

          Gary had the sense to go away after the election.

  • WomanInThePersistence

    So if Sessions is going balls to the wall, what about treason? Is there a high high high treason?

    • jesterpunk

      Did you forget IOKIYAR? They are only worried about minorities with these policies and the newly announced voting investigation committee.

  • Paperless Tiger

    This would seem to dovetail with their touted initiative to “fix” the cities. Bear in mind that the electoral divide was strikingly urban/rural, so they have to punish the cities. They’ll trigger some riots and blame the Democrats.

    • Ducksworthy

      Are they going to pave the ghettos again? That worked out well the last time. Of course, at the time, I was suggesting they pave Vietnam since it would have been cheaper.

  • Shibusa

    Some things are best left in the 1980s:
    Wallpaper borders
    Parachute pants & stonewashed jeans
    Leg warmers & Shoulder pads
    Members Only jackets
    Glam metal bands
    Weekend at Bernie’s
    And Nancy Reagan’s stupid ideas

    • Teecha

      I saw a guy in stone washed jeans today. He looked a right Charlie.

  • Beowoof14

    Jeff Sessions, a anachronism in the modern world. He would have been a plantation owner 200 years ago. A time he clearly longs for. The problem Jeff has is he still thinks he can live in that role in 2017. And Trump is his enabler or racist dealer if you will.

    • Ducksworthy

      He fits right in with the Trump WH. He’s named for two famous traitors to the United States in the 1800’s. Jefferson Davis, President* of the Confederacy (of dunces) and P.G.T. Beauregard who opened to Civil War by bombarding Ft. Sumter. And Sessions was changed from the original Secessions during Sherman’s march through Georgia.

  • La forza del resistino

    We’ll have to wait ’til the market closes to see if Mrs. Sessions hunch bet on the private prison equity index was correct.

  • kindness

    It’s twofold I think. You see, anyone convicted of a felony can’t vote and can’t own guns. I think that means just as much to them as what ever joint the poor sap was smoking when they got busted and hauled into jail.

    Racism squared.

    • Rick Hill

      Well, there you go. Get the nra on the line and let them know the trump administration is suppressing the second amendment.

  • Cousin Itt de La Résistance

    Jeff, just stay away from Colorado. You are not welcome here. Aight?

    https://twitter.com/DenverPolice/status/855058997161885697

    • ROFL now that is a chill pd XD at least on that issue

  • Amelia Resists and Persists

    There’s a lot to hate about this administration, but I think this motherfucker being Attorney General takes the fuck-this-bullshit cake.

    Speaking of motherfuckers, if you guys don’t listen to Pod Save America, you should at least listen to Monday’s episode and develop a giant crush on Senator Kamala Harris saying the word “motherfucker.” It is glorious.

    • jesterpunk

      Did you listen to the episode they released yesterday?

      • Amelia Resists and Persists

        I started it last night but I passed out so I’m going to try again tonight.

        • jesterpunk

          They had former White House prosecutor Kathy Ruemmler on to talk about Comey.

  • Jeffocaster in the East

    Fuck all this political shit with Trump. Today is the 50th anniversary of the release of Are You Experienced?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fjwWjx7Cw8I

    • Bub, Zombie of the Resistance

      I’ll never stop wondering what Hendrix might have accomplished if he hadn’t died so young.

      • Al Swearengen

        He’d likely be playing jazz. Google “Nine to the Universe”, it’s jazz jams from right before he died.

        • Bub, Zombie of the Resistance

          Yeah, I remember he was doing a lot of jazz experimentation. What a waste.

      • Spurning Beer

        He’d be playing Biloxi and Vegas. And he’d still be awesome.

        I saw perform him about 48 years ago. It’s my claim to fame.

        • Rags

          Brighton, England – 1967 FTW!!!!!

        • Little Lulu Ω

          Same here. In Charlotte, NC. Chicago opened!

      • Sadly, probably become a burned-out has-been like virtually everyone else of his generation who didn’t tie young. The light that burns twice as bright burns for half as long – and Jimi certainly burned.

    • Ricky Gay

      @old. :(

    • IdiokraticDrumpfenJugend

      “So let us not talk falsely now, the hour is getting late.”

  • Martini Ambassador 🍸

    Hey Racist Elf Guy, I know a person that has a little bit of a sniff-sniff problem, ifyaknowhaddamean. You should look into that.
    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=njkkR-koX4I

    • schmannity

      FAKE NEWS! Other than David Crosby, no one could be as fat as Trump and be a cokehead.

  • jesterpunk

    I would laugh at Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III but he might throw me in jail for that too.

    http://www.reactiongifs.com/r/rofl1.gif

    • IdiokraticDrumpfenJugend

      Well, if we can’t laugh at the wormy little elf, maybe it would be okay if we just slice him in tiny little pieces, with our taunts and words of snark and debilitating condescension.

    • Koch Blockula

      Only if you’re a woman.

  • Camacho/Trump 2016!!

    You guys are so mean! There’s no goddamn way a guy who’s name is Beauregard could be even remotely racist.

    • jesterpunk

      Well except for the “economically anxious” guy he was named after.

      https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/P._G._T._Beauregard

    • DrBigHead

      That name is usually reserved for bloodhounds, and I have never met a bloodhound that I didn’t like and didn’t like me back, because, dogs.

  • Psst, President Trump, I think this Sessions guy is definitely a showboater who is out to steal your thunder. You know what needs to be done to keep the focus on yourself, don’t you sir?

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      I heard on the internet that people are saying that Jefferson B. Sessions seems very presidential.

      • In fact, he may be the one making all the decisions, while Donald Trump is just a figurehead doing Sessions bidding. #Sad

    • Little Lulu Ω

      Also, Sessions thinks you’re “crazy!”

  • MynameisBlarney
    • Chadwells

      Everybody’s a tough guy until the cuffs go on. Somebody is gonna be grabbing his prison pussy inside. Then it won’t be so funny.

    • Anna Elizabeth

      I never cried any of the times they slapped cuffs on me. That was always my punishment when would lash out at my abusers, a ride with the Deputies to a mental hospital. I was crazy for rejecting my family’s “love”.

    • JohnBull

      I saw that. So now he’s probably lost his job and isn’t allowed within 500 feet of any school in his neighborhood. Maybe he can get a job with the Border Patrol.

  • BadKitty904

    Dobby the Perjured Elf sez wat?

  • Ezio

    Indeed, the guy who believes saying THIS is acceptable especially when African American men are the main targets of a biased justice system is totally not racist. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/1d5f47000ade8bb9daf6e6c93fdecaf7420bbe553761676aefc9a715f888db5b.jpg

  • MynameisBlarney
    • Oblios_Cap

      Pence looks like being in the pressure cooker is browning him a bit.

      • Cousin Itt de La Résistance

        He’s imagining what it will feel like when he sits behind that desk by the end of summer..

  • schmannity

    Why not states’ rights and block grants for marijuana? States could choose to spend the money on police or Doritos.

    • How could private prisons make profit then, HUH???

      • Bitter Scribe

        We could start locking up Trump administration officials.

      • schmannity

        Prison shop Monday thru Wednesday, license plates, Thursday thru Saturday, bongs.

        • La forza del resistino

          The list for bong quality control testing duty on Sundays is pretty long.

    • Crystalclear12

      Pfft, who would waste money on police.

      Doritos!!!.

    • Rags

      Krispy Kreme Libelz!

  • Anna Rompage

    And now for a Public Service Announcement…

    Just a heads up, a NSA virus that was recently hacked is now making it’s way around the globe in form of a RansomWare virus and is being controlled by others…

    Be sure not to open up any weird attachments you might see in emails that seem suspicious..

    • h4rr4r

      It is not a Virus. NO, not a Virus. It does not spread itself, it is spread by morons.

      It is a stupid email attachment that only impacts windows machine that have not been updated since march 2016.

      Any place that gets hit with this stuff is a victim of their own doing. Hospitals and the like should face criminal prosecution.

      • anwisok

        Well, to be fair, the updates for March, 3016 haven’t been released yet.

        • Oblios_Cap

          What are next week’s Lotto numbers, pray tell?

        • h4rr4r

          I fixed that within seconds of hitting post.

          Disqus, you suck.

          • laineypc

            But look at all the funtimes we are having because of it! ;-)

      • SpideySenser

        Boy, time does sure fly!

      • CindyinEncinitas

        OMG my anti-wrinkle cream is working!!!!

        • h4rr4r

          Does it fix crepey skin?

  • laineypc

    You want cookie cutter? I submit this template of USof A Conservative Policy Vision that pretty much applies to anything the GOP does:

    “ideologically-motivated, cookie-cutter approach that has only been proven to generate ,(insert shitty undesirable outcome that NOBODY wants here) that are often applied indiscriminately and do little to achieve long-term (insert desired positive outcome in education, health care, criminal justice, equality, equity, education, foreign policy, the common welfare, the pursuit of happiness…)

    Must rant.

    • Ducksworthy

      You stole that from ALEC didn’t you.

      • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

        Baldwin?

  • anwisok
    • SpideySenser

      The cuteness, it’s killin’ me.

      • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

        But what a way to go, amiright?

    • Bub, Zombie of the Resistance

      Now I have to go hug my cats.

      • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

        And give kisses, don’t forget the kisses!!!

    • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

      The second one is rather odd, cute though. Is that a bunny/fawn hybrid?

    • Parakeetist

      Skweeeeee

  • Bub, Zombie of the Resistance

    I look forward to seeing the DoJ under Sessions get tough on drugs by prosecuting the CEOs of the big pharmaceutical companies that are getting rich selling opiates to people in red states:

    http://www.wvgazettemail.com/news-health/20161217/drug-firms-poured-780m-painkillers-into-wv-amid-rise-of-overdoses#sthash.b9ULtV4Q.dpuf

    • jesterpunk

      That wont happen, they are job creators.

      • Bub, Zombie of the Resistance

        Can’t create record profits without ruining a few million lives! #MAGA! #WINNING!!

    • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

      You’re going to need the Hubble telescope to see that far. After all, weed dealers don’t usually make campaign donations.

  • Ducksworthy

    All kidding aside, these people are Nazis.

  • memzilla Ω
    • Oblios_Cap

      Me-ouch!

    • YES!!!! Show us the tapes, Trump!

    • Fartknocker

      If Malania has access to Dampnut 1 (Donnie’s plane, not the DOD aircraft), she may want to take Barron and take a nice plane ride to Europe and see some family as her Daddy-O has just stepped in some shit that won’t be easily scrapped off.

      • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

        I have often wondered if she would gladly play a role in his downfall. I think she is overwhelmed and outraged that he has thrust her into this clulsterfuck which, as trophy wife, she had no desire skill, or experience to be a part of. Her staying in NYC is just one more example of this admin’s “fuck you, America” attitude but can you blame her? She may have sold herself to sleep with this ogre on demand but not in the WH.

        • NellCote71

          With his obvious poor health and probable drug use, prescription or otherwise, I doubt there is much demand.

      • Lamashtar

        There are rumors that cannot be confirmed that money is being moved to non-extradition countries by certain persons.

    • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

      Very strong statement. Wish I lived in his district so I could vote for him.

    • ahughes798

      This is what is used to be known as “muscular language.” We need a lot more of that from Dems and Reps.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Damn, Holder. Great smackdown!

  • Someone needs to check into which of Session’s kids or grandkids or whatever was picked up for possession and given a light tap on the head.
    Then shove that in his face.

  • laughingnome

    Lock him up!

  • pgjack

    My bet is that white kids get red wrists from all the slapping and darker skinned kids get years in prison. All you folks out there that elected Trump (and that includes all of you Bernie Bros who sat it out or others that found some stupid excuse not to vote for Hilary) Brought this lunacy down on the country. Do you really think there’s no difference between a Trump Presidency and a Hilary Clinton Presidency?

    • She talked to bankers. PERSPECTIVE MAN!!! She TALKED to them!!!!!

      • georgiaburning

        Shudder. Took their money in exchange. Whereas Drumpf appointed them to run the economy however they like.

        • Forgot that part. Not only did she talk to em, she got paid to talk to em, and told them to help clean up their fucking mess.
          Same exact thing as putting them in the actual government to set policy on themselves!

          • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

            And because she’s still giving those speeches, she’s an “enemy” of “the Resistance”, according to the holier than thou crowd at Jacobin.

    • JohnBull

      She had E-MAILS!!

      • Those fucking pantsuits, AMIRIGHT???? And that foundation that took money from people to help people what even was she thinking????

        • Kiri the Unicorn

          She had pizza with Podesta!

      • jesterpunk

        She also was such a nerd and studied for debates and had details plans for everything. Cant have a NERD in office.

        • Msgr_MΩment

          Well, not two in a row.

      • Kiri the Unicorn

        And a bottle of hot sauce in her purse, which is RACIST!!

    • HorseChestnut

      but her emails

  • JMP

    But “Just Say No” did give us the most hilarious moment ever on Diff’rent Strokes, which sadly was not meant to be funny.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TENJNk4Wk4g

  • Portia McGonagal

    Until otherwise proven, I have no choice but to believe that:

    Jefferson Beauregard Sessions is a racist fuckbag

  • I don’t know, Robyn…is this his racist card flying, or, is his racist card flying by a consequence of seeking the most profits for his for-profit-prison cronies?

    • Ducksworthy

      AOTK

  • BadKitty904
  • Chadwells

    Seems appropriate…and it’s blasting in the edit bay. Enjoy.

    https://youtu.be/jmjx1r1omgY

  • Master Contrail Program

    The Reefer Madness musical was supposed to be a parody, Jeff(Though it’s still tough to believe the original wasn’t).

    Tell Your Children!

    https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://m.youtube.com/watch%3Fv%3D0zFbc5MzAxk&ved=0ahUKEwiv2cKZkuvTAhWJOCYKHQBtDr8QyCkIHzAA&usg=AFQjCNH9FDLea1QejwmuU8xFKTEr1O46LQ&sig2=qKzJsxyFU9hD8FNfudGOnA

    • BadKitty904
      • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

        I tried gay once, now I smoke pot.

        • BadKitty904

          PoTAYto, poTAHto…

      • Cousin Itt de La Résistance

        Dear Ask BadKitty,

        I keep trying it but Teh Gay’s not taking. What am I doing wrong?

        Signed Yer Pal,
        High in Denver

        • BadKitty904

          Think Fabulous.

        • IdiokraticDrumpfenJugend

          Have you tried unplugging it, and then plugging it back in?

          • Cousin Itt de La Résistance

            You owe me a new keyboard. Mine is now very sticky.

          • IdiokraticDrumpfenJugend

            Ha! So it really does work!

      • DrBigHead

        Please tell me this isn’t real. With everything that has happened since the election, by ability to identify parody and snark has taken a huge hit.

        • BadKitty904

          lol I’m sorry I frightened you, dude! No, this is very much a parody. :0)

          • DrBigHead

            Thanks. I thought it might have been an actual PSA from 20+ years ago. Sorry, it has been a hell of a week and I am a bit shell-shocked.

          • BadKitty904

            A year ago, this would’ve very clearly been a joke. Now…not so much…

      • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

        I sucked dick once. Now I’m gay.

        • BadKitty904

          Dude, “once” just means you went to college.

    • William
    • We watched the original in a film class. We couldn’t believe it wasn’t supposed to be a comedy.

  • AnnieGetYerFun

    OT: Justin Trudeau is coming to Seattle for some Microsoft meeting thing. So there’s that to be happy about/fap to.

    • ooooo wonder if the mounties would be able to find me in Seattle

      • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

        You want to be mounted?

  • Msgr_MΩment

    My personal theory is that he’s suffering from a fugue state

    One bad apple don’t spoil the whole bach, bro.

    • ahughes798

      But it could make the rest of them fermata.

  • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

    Sound and fury signifying nothing.

    Look, there is a drug epidemic in this country, no one is doubting that, but the epidemic is not one that tougher enforcement can solve. The epidemic is legally prescribed drugs.

    How is tougher sentencing going to solve, for example, our opioid crisis? It won’t.

    Jeff Sessions. . .

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/a23cbd822190e22f76b8d8a21b06b1b9b20e014c42dcddec127072299318aae8.gif

    • La forza del resistino

      The drugs are just pouring across the border! So, build a wall around the Perdue Labs warehouse in Jersey.

    • Cousin Itt de La Résistance

      Hey, Lurch!

      I know, I know, dude. Me, too.

  • Michael Smith

    I guess Sessions didn’t watch Thirteenth.

    Or, if he did, he took the wrong message from it.

    • He liked the part where they whupped up on them nigras.

    • ariel_gee_398

      I’m sure he has a Netflix filter that removes all films by women and POC. For Thirteenth, it probably drafted and sent a sternly worded complaint from him about the dangers of letting uppity black women make movies when they should be focused on raising their fatherless crack babies.

  • miss_grundy

    He’s old enough to suffer from dementia or Alzheimer’s. But so is the guy who is his boss.

  • TheGrandWazoo2
    • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

      And repealing the law of gravity, which Obama supported.

      • jesterpunk

        Should we tell them Obama was also in favor of breathing?

        • Even worse, he supported having oxygen in the air!

          • jesterpunk

            Dont tell them that,they will let companies pollute enough to fix that.

          • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

            NO! As proven with health care they will take it from us but keep it for themselves!

  • jesterpunk

    Well I guess Willie wont be invited back to the White House.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FROPLnsDJnM

    • The answer to the question “Did Willie Nelson smoke pot (somewhere)” is almost always a very firm, but mellow, fuck yeah he did

      • jesterpunk

        Pretty much.

      • Greyhame

        If a Beer Summit on the White House lawn is ok, then by the gods, I say there’s nothing more American that Willie Nelson blazing up somewhere in the corner, unless he were to have some apple pie afterward while watching a baseball game.

    • William
      • SeeTrain65

        Never was. JeffBo doesn’t seem to get this.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    That photo. Those monochrome-suited thugs enforcing “justice” with their head gear that purposefully covers their face like a hood. The cocky posturing. It sure does remind me of some very earnest group. If I could just remember their name, bless their little hearts…

  • mrFawkes

    Just say yes to removing this monument to the Confederacy.

  • Michael R

    Is Trump going to start doing his own press briefings ?

    https://s23.postimg.org/74almpfxn/divine_feamle_trouble_flash_bulbs.png

  • You know, if Beauregard Sessions keeps this up he’ll never get a statue in New Orleans.

    • BadKitty904

      I dunno. Old times there are not forgotten…

      • Ferroequinologist Ron

        I think I’ll look away.

        • BadKitty904

          Look away?

          • Ferroequinologist Ron

            Look away.

          • Persistent Tennessee Rain

            Lock away

          • BadKitty904

            Dixie Land.

    • BadKitty904

      FYI – the New Orleans home of the late Gen. Pierre Gustave Toutant-Beauregard, after whom Jeffy is named, is haunted by a ghost cocker spaniel. I thought y’all should know that.

      • Cousin Itt de La Résistance

        In Louisiana’s fair city,
        Where the boys are so pretty,
        I first set my eyes,
        On sweet Billy Malone,
        As he wheeled his wheel barrow,
        Through the streets broad and narrow,
        Crying cockles and spaniels
        Alive alive o!

        Could be, I may not be remembering the song quite right.

        • BadKitty904

          I think I’ve heard that sung on Bourbon Street.

        • BadKitty904

          Aw, now you’ve started it…

          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2C721IZzgmE

          • Cousin Itt de La Résistance

            Ah yes, one of W’s best songs.

            It was W, no?

          • BadKitty904

            Only a Republican President would let a major American city be destroyed due to incompetence and partisan politics. And may he spend an eternity on the floor of Hell with his back broke for same…

          • ahughes798

            Lovely song. I just smoked a bowl of MM, and this is perfect music for it! Thank you, you Bad, BadKitty!

          • BadKitty904

            Ha! I hadn’t really thought of that application, but, yah, I can def see your point.

            This is one of my favorites of all of Mr. Armstrong’s tunes, mostly because it so very perfectly evokes one of my favoritest places on earth!

          • ahughes798

            What’s the best non-touristy time to go there? I have NO desire to go to Mardi Gras.

          • BadKitty904

            You don’t want to go in the summer, when it’s hot, smelly, muggy, and buggy. Fall, winter, or spring is when you want to go. And yes, February or ANY time around Mardi Gras is a madhouse.

            Myownself, I prefer post-Mardi-Gras, in March or April, around Easter, especially when there’s a full moon. It’s still relatively cool, non-buggy, everything’s in bloom, and it’s the most beautiful, most romantical city in America.

          • ahughes798

            It’s been a long time since I’ve seen and smelled a magnolia and jessamine in bloom!

          • BadKitty904

            NOTHING like it!

          • ahughes798

            Until I was 6, we lived in Kentucky. We lived on the 2nd floor of an old, antebellum house(it even had pillars.) We were renters, of course. But the house had a porch on each level that went around the house. A big magnolia grew beside the porch on one side, and we could look down into it. It smelled beautiful and the blooms were yuuuuuuge. We watched a family of robins nest and raise their young in the tree every year. Thanks for bringing back a pleasant memory BadKitty.

      • I believe you may have misspelled “cockholster spaniel”.

      • Parakeetist

        Woof.

  • laineypc

    Just as a general rule, the severity of problem drug use roughly correlates to something shitty going on in your life. Fix shitty things. Fix racism. Fix inequality. Fix greedy corporate bastards that hoard all the profits. Seriously, fix them, do not let them reproduce. The drugs take care of themselves. Less money spent on enforcement. More money to spend on prevention and treatment.

    • Red Bird Ω

      I’m sure you know the reason they claim not to like drug use is because 1. they think only black people do them and 2. they haven’t figured out a way to keep the profits for themselves.

  • OT Today is international Nurses Day

    Near to Topic. Here is a wonderful picture of the statue of Mary Seacole
    https://twitter.com/seacolestatue/status/862955433794961408

  • Paul

    Sessions has stock in these private prison companies. Nothing to see here. Move along.

    • shoeflyin

      Link? Seems illegal, or should be.

      • Ferroequinologist Ron

        Not that that seems to matter much any more.

  • norcalOG

    Still smarting from questions about suffering from early dementia, Sessions said the President is behind him 100%. “He understands we must rid ourselves of law breaking scum, and President Davis has vowed to do that. He will make our precious confederacy safe for white women and their children, so help me God. As our brave boys win the war against Union thugs, so shall we persevere at home. And may God bless and keep the Confederate States of America.”

  • OrdinaryJoe

    This is just a part of a persistent and pernicious American history of dehumanizing blacks. It started with slavery, then after the suppression of the southern rebellion there was de jure segregation in the Jim Crow period, after which came the reality of de facto segregation. Now this policy — nothing more than a continuation based on mass incarceration of blacks. Because we all know who will be going to jail with these policies.

    • Rags

      The Nixon campaign in 1968, and the Nixon White House after that, had two enemies: the antiwar left and black people,” former Nixon domestic policy chief John Ehrlichman told Harper’s writer Dan Baum for the April cover story published Tuesday.

      “You understand what I’m saying? We knew we couldn’t make it illegal to be either against the war or black, but by getting the public to associate the hippies with marijuana and blacks with heroin. And then criminalizing both heavily, we could disrupt those communities,” Ehrlichman said. “We could arrest their leaders. raid their homes, break up their meetings, and vilify them night after night on the evening news. Did we know we were lying about the drugs? Of course we did.”

  • OrdinaryJoe

    RELEASE THE TAPES, RELEASE THE TAPES, RELEASE THE TAPES !!!!!!!!

  • dslindc

    Hmmm. Maybe he declines with few exceptions?

    https://twitter.com/politico/status/863127165235286016

    • Chadwells

      Huh. Maybe he has his own design on how he’s gonna get back at Dampnut? Very peculiar.

    • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

      He knows how many of the Ratfucking Senators are indictable. He will stay away until the tide is overwhelming and they can’t touch him.

    • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

      He declined the closed door testimony. Hopefully this means he’d rather do this in public.

  • IdiokraticDrumpfenJugend
  • YayConspiracy

    Being tough is the only language those people understand.

  • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist
    • H0mer0

      I misread that as “New York City is a walled masturbation security prison…”

  • Shoto

    “Now we cannot say categorically that Jefferson Beauregard Sessions is a racist fuckbag”

    “I ain’t got a prejudiced bone in my body. I played ball with some nigra boys that one time.”

    — Jefferson “The South Shall Rise Again” Sessions.

  • Mavenmaven

    After all, he has all his for-profit prison profiteering friends to take care of.

    • Clararharper

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  • Rags

    This is the second battle of the Cold Civil War. Battle 1 is immigration. Battle 2 is this. Battle 3 is abortion. It will not be pretty as the collision between Federal vs. state/local/people policy escalates on these issues.

  • Hanaka

    Please dems, progressives, and anyone who isn’t on the orange and douchey racist train, let’s not fuck this up in 2018 and 2020. Let’s make this shameful 4 years an embarrassing blip, not the new new new horrible deal.

    • kaydenpat

      YES. WE. CAN.
      YES. WE. MUST.

    • SeeTrain65

      Now if we could get Jacobin readers to stop being such pricks and understand the consequences, it would work.

      Then again, I’m not encouraged by the readers of Jacobin.

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    Now we cannot say categorically that Jefferson Beauregard Sessions is a racist fuckbag,

    I can. He’s a fucking bigot…

    • Sakonyachen

      Honestly, the only reason I concur with the author is because I am confused as to what a fuckbag actually is.

      • SeeTrain65

        “Seriously. We need a clear, concise definition of ‘fuckbag’ before we can proceed.”

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    I an’t wait until all those Trump voter opioid addicts start getting draconian sentences for their oxy abuse…

    • Ferroequinologist Ron

      Funny to think the 2018 election may hinge on who gets incarcerated faster: Dem-leaning POCs or Rep-voting crackers.

      • Sakonyachen

        It may also hinge on whether they have the political balls to incarcerate Putin’s semen receptacle.

        Cut their losses with the malt-white? Or try to explain to everyone left of Mussolini why we haven’t flushed this shit show.

    • kaydenpat

      Won’t happen. They’re White.

      • H0mer0

        It’s a shame since while incarcerated, they may finally get the help they need to address their addiction and have a fuller life/s and not s

    • NellCote71

      They be OK if druggin’ while white.

      • Sakonyachen

        One brown person in their local supply chain, no smack!

        Eventually all chickens come home to roost.

        Withdrawals are not going to concede if you scream emails and BENGHAZI!!!!1111!!! at them.

  • chascates

    Fuck Sessions & Trump. I’m going to smoke as much pot as I can find.

    • BadKitty904

      That’s the spirit! Give ’em hell, dude!!1!

    • azeyote

      and i’m gonna grow the legal limit here in oregon –

  • Scooby

    Damn, when he mentioned he wanted longer harder sentences I thought he was talking about Trumps Twitter.

  • Zombishroom

    I thought the long sentence was referring to itself.

  • zerosumgame0005

    I guess his cartel donations have gone down now that they are not making as much on pot sales…

  • CATMAN

    My Jeff Sessions translator app just spit this out: “We are going to make white people safer by locking up large numbers of Negroes while at the same time transferring large amounts of Federal money to our friends in the private prison industry so they can continue their generous contributions to our reelection efforts”

    • Sakonyachen

      You must have the latest update, mine just translates to “Fuck you!”

  • Poly_Ester

    Fun alt-fact — Jeff Sessions is taller than Lebron James. No use measuring, tape measures lie!

    • SeeTrain65

      Please, he’s not even as tall as LeBron’s dick. Although he is a much bigger dick than LeBron.

  • Jeff Mc Donald

    “Now we cannot say categorically that Jefferson Beauregard Sessions is a racist fuckbag…”

    But, why?

  • pixeloid

    “Now we cannot say categorically that Jefferson Beauregard Sessions is a racist fuckbag”

    Sure you can, you just have to try. For example, “Now we cannot say categorically that Jefferson Beauregard Sessions is a racist fuckbag”
    See how easy that was?

    • SeeTrain65

      Reminds me of my brother and I when we watch “Wheeler Dealers.”

      Mike Brewer says, “You can’t say fairer than that.”
      My brother says, “Fairer than that. See? Wasn’t so hard.”

      Now you know why my eye roll has become so legendary around these parts.

  • fawkedifiknow

    I’m fine with a “tough on crime” attitude as long as it applies to occupants of the White House.

    Why am I sure it won’t?

  • UnsaltedSinner

    Banana republic libel!

  • Jukesgrrl

    It’s amazing he has time to worry about shit like this. The Depressed Garden Gnome must be really bummed that last Thursday the Democratic mayor of New Orleans pulled down the statue of Jefferson Davis, HIS NAMESAKE!!!!

  • Lordpnut

    Eeeee

  • Alexander Stallwitz

    Can we deport Sessions back to whatever hell elven kingdom he come from?

    • peteywheats

      I’ve not seen his cookie recipes or his long form birth certificate.

  • britishvoiceman

    This bastard should be re-named Jefferson No-regard Sessions, since he clearly has no regard for the law, the importance of not lying under oath or adhering to a promise of recusal…… or anyone who isn’t white, male and straight.

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