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This motherfucker right here, you guys.

[Obligatory walk-in-the-shoes paragraph] It’s not like Jeff Sessions can actually help it. This dude is of the age where one contemplates mortality and one’s legacy and all us profane children are demanding to smoke our weed and not oppress black people and what the fuck has his life even been about if that’s the world he leaves behind? Like, once you’ve dedicated yourself to suppressing democracy and upholding bigotry for a solid few decades surely you become mired in evil, past the point at which you could repent without tearing your own soul apart because it turns out you never bought a word of all that Jesus shit, it just bought you votes. And that’s what this dude is facing in the mirror every morning, or it is if he has a single shred of decency left to him, which is questionable!

No really, THIS fuckin’ guy.

My personal theory is that he’s suffering from a fugue state brought on by the specter of an incompetent charismatic TV dude in the White House, because if he thinks this is the 1980s it would explain why he is touting “Just Say No” as drug policy! It worked so well the first time! (“Just Say No” was the centerpiece of 1980s drug policy, which mostly consisted of telling white kids to put down the doobie via breakfast-focused object lessons on TV while locking up black and brown adults at just fucking astronomical rates.)

This memorandum is not sensible. Eric Holder called it “dumb on crime,” then followed THAT up with “ideologically-motivated, cookie-cutter approach that has only been proven to generate unfairly long sentences that are often applied indiscriminately and do little to achieve long-term public safety.”

We can only assume that Mr. Sessions saw that ISIS police video and thought his dick looked tiny in comparison. Since the formal announcement of dick-measuring back during the debates, pretty much all of politics can be explained in the same terms we’re used to using for penis-fencing monkeys.

Now we cannot say categorically that Jefferson Beauregard Sessions is a racist fuckbag, but most people who are not racist fuckbags generally agree that sentencing disparities are shitty. They do not rise to one of the highest offices in the land and bring them back into fashion.

On the up side, the coming battle between MAGA conservatives and disruptive weed-investing techbros might have some entertainment value, which I am sure will be a lot of consolation for the flood of newly convicted felons who will add to our already-overcrowded prison system, which not incidentally is up for sale to the highest bidder and golly gee willikers, to our utter shock the private prison system has just been dying to build new prisons from which to derive record profits, which can only end well!

There will be no stone(r) left unturned in the fight for Justice, which we here in America The Great define as “banana republic-level incarceration rates!”

But let’s end on a happy note, and that is that in 2018, we should have a Congress amenable to this.

[NBC/WaPo/Week/Wonkette]

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