HAPPINESS AND MAZEL TOV! We bring you tidings of comfort and joy, and the news that Joe Brzezinski and Mika Scarborough, hosts of the popular MSNBC morning show “Mark Halperin Has No Idea We’re Playing With Each Other Under The Table,” ARE FINALLY GETTING MARRIED! After literally one thousand years of rumors about how they were making nasty in every broom closet at the MSNBC studios, the happy couple has finally come forward and said, “Yeah, all those times we play fight on TV? That’s foreplay. And afterplay. And very soon it is going to be HOLY MATRIMONY PLAY, WITH OUR HOO HOOS.”
Vanity Fair has the story! You see, Mika’s 50th birthday was Tuesday — the day she and Joe were on TV talking about how maybe Donald Trump is coming down with a wee case of dementia — but right before that they were on vacation. Isn’t that weird that they would take their vacation at the same time? A casual observer might think they were off in some exotic location doing bonesies to each other, and a casual observer would be right. They were in Cap D’Antibes, a fancy Mediterranean resort in France!
When they got there, Mika says she was thinking “OOH HE FANCY taking me here! I wonder if he is going to make an honest woman out of me!” But the first night he didn’t do it, so she was like “Meh.” But on the last night of the trip …
… [T]he couple ascended the hotel’s palatial walkway from the pool and restaurant to its mansion overlooking the Mediterranean. They were en route to the Bellini bar in its lobby when Scarborough paused and stopped Brzezinski. “Halfway up the hill, he said he needed to sit down,” she told me. “We hadn’t been feeling well, so I thought, Oh, poor guy, he can’t make it up the hill.”
“His glasses were fogging up he was so nervous. I kept thinking he really must not have felt well,” Brzezinski said.
LOSER! But it turns out he was just very nervous, because he was about to pop the question:
Scarborough then plopped down on one knee with an oval-shaped diamond ring set in platinum that he’d been hiding in his suitcase for days and asked her to marry him. “When I saw him on one knee, I started laughing nervously, almost hysterically,” she said. “And then he asked, and I said, ‘Absolutely.’”
Vanity Fair notes that both have been married before, but they claim they never bumped uglies in a cheaty way before their divorces. They don’t even live together yet, but they’re trying to figure that out. You see, between them they have six kids, and also “three dogs, three cats, two rabbits, and chickens.” They are going to need a lot of bedrooms, and probably granite countertops!
As to the wheres and the whens of their wedding day, we don’t know the details yet, but we know what it’s not going to be. You see, before Joe and Mika started noticing that Donald Trump is an authoritarian, senile troll man, they were BFFs with him, and just after the inauguration, they went down to Mar-a-Lago for a normal and ethical journalistic interview with the new president. But while they were there, they were cuddling with Jared Kushner on the water bed and Jared was like “OMG I wanna do your wedding, I am a grown-up who is the president of doing weddings!” But then Donald Trump was like “BE QUIET MY SEXXXY SON-IN-LAW, I WILL GRAB THIS WEDDING BY THE PUSSY!”:
Once the fish and scalloped potatoes had been served, and special sauces delivered directly to Trump were placed on the table, the couple said that the president came up with an idea: If they planned on getting married, they should consider doing so at Mar-a-Lago or the White House, they recalled. “That’s when Jared interrupted and said, ‘Hey, you know what? I’ve got my license. I could marry you,’” Scarborough said. (A White House spokeswoman had no comment.)
According to Scarborough, that’s when Trump snapped from the end of the table, saying: “Why would you marry them? They could have the President of the United States marry them.”
Haha, remember when Joe and Mika helped ruin America by helping propel Donald Trump into the White House? Good times.
Anyway, now that the happy couple has broken up with Trump, Mika says she has no interest in getting hitched at the White House:
“The White House that I grew up in was an amazing place. If it weren’t Trump, it might be something to think about,” Brzezinski said. “The mental picture is just fascinating, but the reality is just . . . no. No, no, no, no, no.”
We guess they will have to do it somewhere else. Ooh, ooh, maybe they could do it on their show and Mark Halperin can be the flower girl!
Just kidding, Wonkette toddler Donna Rose is going to be the flower girl, because Joe and Mika stoled her during the New Hampshire Primary:
Anyway, we are very happy that Joe and Mika will only be living in sin and doing premarital finger-bangs for a little while longer, and we wish them many happy years together. Wonkette looks forward to receiving our invitation to the wedding, to which we will RSVP “maybe.”
The couple is registered at Big Lots.
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