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Morning Wonketariat! Here’s some of the things we may be talking about today.

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  • Nounverb911
  • Nounverb911
  • Nounverb911
    • Contemplative Ron

      3.0 eliminates the ribs as well.

  • schmannity

    Hey Demint, it’s not hate, it’s Heritage.

    • ManchuCandidate

      It’s both.

  • Jeffery Campbell

    Thanks for the kittehs!!!!!!!11!! It’s going to be that kind of day. As a homo, the religious liberty crap really sends me straight to the bottle. I’m days away from a liver crisis.

    • From Russia with Love

      Slow down, you’ll still need that liver when you are 60.

      • Jeffery Campbell

        LOL. That’s exactly 26 days from today!

        • From Russia with Love

          See?

  • Msgr_MΩment

    Mick Mulvaney and the bottomless basket of deplorably inept stooges.

  • Vincent Ricola

    Morning Rachel, a Carter Page rant, AND a story about a judge ripping into Ghouliani! Thank you, Wonkette!

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Carter Page: “All rhetoric and posturing aside, the new Administration’s first hundred days displayed enormous restraint… ”

      All the restraint of an inmate straightjacketed by the attendants called to his domicile.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    perhaps an Act of Affordable Care,…

    Spliters!

  • Chadwells

    So Fuckface sits down with Mahmoud Abbas….12 hours after proclaiming that he and fucknut Pence are going to move the US embassy to fucking Jerusalem.

    These imbeciles seriously have NO idea what the fuck they are doing!!!

    • Contemplative Ron

      ‘It seemed like a good idea at the time.’

      • Chadwells

        Their utter lack of knowledge on the Middle East is downright frightening.

      • Chadwells

        Also…I am 100% sure that they made that announcement specifically because of today’s sit down with Abbas….which is even worse. He thinks it’s a fucking bargaining chip. It’s insane.

  • coozledad

    Is this just Shitfinger being Shitfinger, or is someone about to remove his babbling ass?
    http://talkingpointsmemo.com/livewire/trump-clinton-comey-tweets

    • Claire

      Oh my god WHY does he refer to himself in the third person? It is so weird and creepy.

      • coozledad

        Bill Cosby did that, too. There’s probably some discrete psychological term for it, but I’m willing to guess it’s a signal of sociopathy.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    How big of a fuckup do you have to be to get fired from the Heritage Foundation?

    • Crystalclear12

      He supported Trump, that was enough.

    • From Russia with Love

      Next stop: American Enterprise Institution.

  • schmannity

    Ghouliani trading with Iranians. Did someone finally forget 911?

  • baconzgood

    Baconz is hoping to be a free range piggy today.

    • Anna Elizabeth

      Good Luck, Baconz! ~hugs~ I’ll be keeping my fingers crossed. :)

      • baconzgood

        I fufilled my court ordered obligations and I’m no longer in contempt. I’m hoping the paper work comes through today so I can get stinking drunk.

        • h4rr4r

          I am not sure how one of those lines up with the other.

          I could easily see myself fulfilling the obligations but still having nothing but contempt for the court. Based whatever the situation might be.

          • Msgr_MΩment

            Contempt? I’m sure baconz is all, “bless their little hearts”. Amirite, Sir?

          • baconzgood

            “bless their little hearts” means “go fuck yourself” still, right?

          • shivaskeeper

            It depends on the tone you use, but yes. Yes it does.

          • Meccalopolis

            I’M out of order?!

        • Anna Elizabeth

          I hope it comes thru for you as well, Hun. :) If you and Shan ever come to Colorado, hit me up, we’ll get drinks here. :)

          • baconzgood

            I’ll start my own Wonkette drinky thing for commenters and Wonkbaby. Because Wonkbaby is so cute I want to steal her (with votes).

      • Riley Whodat Venable

        Anna, I’m so glad you are back.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Run, baconzgood, run! You glorious basterd!

    • msanthropesmr

      Root hog or die little piggy. Root hog or die.

      • snark-lurker

        and the goose hangs high

        • Beverleywdenney

          Google is paying 97$ per hour! Work for few hours & have longer with friends and family! !su285c:
          On tuesday I got a great new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $8752 this last four weeks.. Its the most-financialy rewarding I’ve had.. Follow this link for more information
          !su285c:
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    • Mpeg
    • Contemplative Ron

      Be free!

    • Shanzgood

      If they fuck with your paperwork I’m gonna come over there and slap that bitch’s tits right offa her.

    • shivaskeeper

      Very good.

    • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

      That’s some pig.

  • dslindc
  • ManchuCandidate

    The GOPer base…
    1. Poor uneducated
    2. Olds
    3. Sicks
    4. Some combination of the above angry White people bitch’n ’bout the man

    Good luck trying to pry the health insurance from their hands now, GOPers. It’s the Demoncraps version of the 2nd Amendment.

    • From Russia with Love

      Don’t slight bigots, gun nutz and religious nuts. They need love too.

  • h4rr4r

    There are probably 151 million phone calls in a day in the USA, that seems low actually.

  • Nounverb911

    So this seems to be happening, poor snowflakes don’t seem to remember what they said about Obama.

    https://twitter.com/iTweet_News/status/859755355894665216

    • h4rr4r

      They are calling it homophobic!

      The part of the joke they find offensive is that it is one guy blowing another not that Trump is blowing Putin.

      • Indivisible Snark Tank

        I think they’re most offended by the fact that it’s not Dampnut getting blown. He is their Alpha, supposedly.

        • h4rr4r

          Then they clearly don’t understand what words mean.

      • shivaskeeper

        Homophobic is just the excuse they are trying. I think we both know that. They’re trying to be intellectual about this and coming up with an intellectual argument. It is not going well for them.

      • Magyar Has Had It With Trump

        It is a bit ‘phobic. Receptive = not a real man. If a comment like this was coming from the other side, we’d be all over it.

        • h4rr4r

          I gotta disagree, here. I don’t see how that makes anyone less of a man.

          • Magyar Has Had It With Trump

            As a man who occasionally does it, I agree. But the social construct is that any man who is the receptive partner in gay sex is not a real man. And that it isn’t “gay” if you just let someone blow you.

          • h4rr4r

            This is the part that makes me all confused.

            I might just be being an old fuddy duddy, but if you seek out and regularly have sex with people who are the same sex as you, you should at least consider the possibility that you are gay or bisexual. What sort of exact things you do doing that sex don’t enter into it.

            Teasing these two over having a relationship is no different than what kids do. Sure they might just be Puppet and Puppeteer, but it sure does make them mad to suggest they are in a relationship. Making them mad is always worth it.

            Otherwise why would I go out of my way right here to remind you that Trump has tiny hands and I bet Putin loves that.

          • Magyar Has Had It With Trump

            Actual gay folks, like me, are also confused by it. But in my former life as a sexual health educator it was something we saw quite a bit of. Especially in the AA and Mexican community. One of the explanations I’ve seen is that it isn’t gay if there is no emotional connection, just a warm hole.

          • h4rr4r

            For a minute there I was wondering why Alcoholics had these ideas.

            This makes me sad, it makes me think there sure are a lot of really sad and lonely folks out there saying these things to rationalize away their own true selves.

          • Meccalopolis

            Right the whole dl thing. Very destructive

          • Meccalopolis

            Yeah, keep telling yourselves that

    • Vincent Ricola

      The deplorables are soooooo concerned that this type of rhetoric might be bad for the country and are voicing their displeasure by posting comments all over the internet that start with “I am a long-time Dem that voted for Hillary, but…”

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        Just like every fucking concern troll who shows up here, saying “I voted for Obama twice”. Yeah, right.

        • Msgr_MΩment

          Three or moar times or GTFO! Soros would like a word with you.

        • From Russia with Love

          Really, it’s sooooo 2008.

    • Finnabar87

      Fuck em if they can’t take a joke.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        Or even if they can.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        Holster your cock in ’em, I say.

        • puredog

          nuh-uh

      • Lance Thrustwell

        And joke ’em if they can’t take a fuck!

    • FlemmishSpy

      I’m imaging various indignant Faux hosts being bleep translators: “He said cock holster!”

      • coozledad

        The Hannity that dare not speak its name.

      • From Russia with Love

        “And our mouths have never been anywhere NEAR someone else’s genitals.”

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Same people who mysteriously were not offended by Trump bragging about his sexual assault prowess.

    • coozledad

      Fox sucks dick.

      • chicken thief

        Who spilled the beans?!

        ~ Doocey, glaring at Kilmeade

    • arglebargle

      From the party of throat cramming!

    • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

      What a bunch of snowflakes.

    • Carpe Vagenda

      At least nothing’s getting throatcrammed.

    • shivaskeeper

      Well, a Twitter campaign with a trending hashtag should have to ability to change the world and get Colbert fired and probably the entire network disbanded with the parts sold off for scrap,

      Oh wait. It’s the other thing that’s the opposite of that.

    • cmd resistor

      some people just need to get a life.

  • baconzgood
    • The Wanderer

      PRAISE “BOB!”

      • baconzgood

        The Slack is in you.

        • Shanzgood

          Wot?

    • Carpe Vagenda

      slack!

    • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

      JHVH-1!

    • Skeptical_thinker

      I, too, am a member. Sub-geniuses all!

    • Carole

      I used to be a Discordian, when Discordianism wasn’t cool.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    South Carolina, of all places, finally got it right.

  • Nounverb911
  • Nounverb911
  • Carpe Vagenda

    Jesus and Ayn Rand, in different locations, both threw up in their mouths a little.

    https://twitter.com/HouseInSession/status/859410076163026944

    • And then Ryan told them to thank god that they have taxpayer subsidized health insurance and won’t be subject to the draconian measures in the bill.

    • therblig

      well, they certainly can’t pray for their immortal souls, can they?

      • Carpe Vagenda

        If I wish for Ryan (and maybe Rand too, why not) to get the afterlife he says he believes in, do I need to say with votes?

    • chicken thief

      Pray for the vote and then give thanks that yanking healthcare from 24M doesn’t apply to them – whew! Dodged a bullet there, somehow!

  • Anna Elizabeth

    Well, rent check written, Cable/internet paid, and when Target opens I can get my Size 8 skinny jeans and some food. :)

    • Vincent Ricola

      And I’m getting a new video card delivered! Today is a going to be a good day :).

      • Anna Elizabeth

        Cool! :D Whatja’ order?

        • Vincent Ricola

          Geforce GTX 1080 ti. I’ve been saving for months so I didn’t have to raid my children’s college fund.

          • Anna Elizabeth

            Nice! :D I forget what mine is, a low-end GeForce. It handles Star Trek Online, which is all I ask of it.

            What do you like to p;ay?

          • Vincent Ricola

            When I have a chance, which is almost never at this point, I’m a sucker for old-school, single-player simulation games. Civilization, Clash of Kings (with the GOT mod), Cities Skylines, that type of thing.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Morning Anna! Good to see you around the ‘Kette again.

    • Magyar Has Had It With Trump

      I’d like to know where Target hides the vacuum that takes all my money when I walk in the door.

    • cmd resistor

      So many years since I saw a size 8.

  • Crystalclear12

    Heritage Foundation figured out leaving a partisan hack in charge leads to nowhere. I would’ve bet money no Republican would ever figure that out. Huh, guess they are a think tank

  • Bill D. Burger

    WooWee! The House leadership is trying anything to win over the ‘moderates’ to sign their death warrants and get on board and push Trumpcare the Third out of the House and on to the Senate where it’s DOA.

    [House Republicans scramble for votes to pass draconian health care bill
    By Barry Grey and Kate Randall
    3 May 2017
    The Trump White House and Republican leaders in the House of Representatives are scrambling to come up with the 216 Republican votes needed to pass a revised version of the administration’s bill to repeal and replace Obamacare.
    The amended version of the Trump administration’s American Health Care Act would impose an even more savage attack on health care for millions of people—and more of a windfall for the insurance companies and big business—than the original version, which was aborted in March as a result of opposition from the extreme right-wing Republican Freedom Caucus, which deemed it too generous.]

    http://www.wsws.org/en/articles/2017/05/03/ahca-m03.html

    • Magyar Has Had It With Trump

      I’d like to think even they aren’t stupid enough to try this right before a recess. I’d be wrong, but I still’d like to think it.

  • Nounverb911
    • Carpe Vagenda

      And the Trump campaign got exponentially more attention for their ad without paying to run it. Expect this to happen again when they refuse to remove “Did you know about Anderson Cooper’s mom and Bobby Short?” from the next one.

      • bupkus231

        Your first sentence sounds exactly like how Jeff Zucker tried to spin it when Rump called him out – “More free media!”

    • From Russia with Love

      Fuck him.

      • kareemachan

        NO WAY.

    • Contemplative Ron

      ‘CNN won’t run my campaign ad calling them fake news! That’s censorship!
      ‘And tomorrow we’re going to make it illegal to criticise me. That’s freedom!’

    • shivaskeeper

      Of course it’s censorship. If you have no understanding of what’s actually in the 1st Amendment and why it’s there. You also have to to have no understanding of the free market and what that’s all about. Odd that a Presidential campaign run by a great businessman doesn’t understand those two things.

  • Nounverb911
  • From Russia with Love

    Those kittens couldn’t be cuter!

    Well, yes they could if we had a better president.

    • Mpeg

      I’d never heard of the black-footed cat before. Africa’s “smallest wild cat” with males weighing average 4.2 lb?? “Highly unsociable” and don’t climb trees so much b/c despite small frame they have “stocky build” https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black-footed_cat

      • kareemachan

        Well, some felines just don’t feel like tree-climbing. Take the cheetah, for instance…

        • Magyar Has Had It With Trump

          Or mine

        • Mpeg

          Only worth mentioning since these are quite small, described as easy prey, and thus one might think tree scaling as a ready means to escape predators or , as the wiki indicates, make their own attacks. (” A San legend claims that a black-footed cat can kill a giraffe by piercing its jugular.”)

          • Meccalopolis

            Far out!

      • Yellow_Dog_Dem

        This is my spirit animal.

  • baconzgood

    “I have a friend, she’s from Canada, and at band camp….”

    -Donald Trump-

  • Nounverb911
    • FlemmishSpy

      I was going to say that McNaughton’s ‘murka is all white until I saw token. Is he holding a copy of the Bell Curve?

    • chicken thief

      Where’s Andrew Jackson in that painting? Him or Trump could have avoided the Civil War.

    • CripesAmighty

      God, I’d forgotten about that stuff. Didn’t we have a Children’s’ Treasury of this dreck ’round here a while back?

  • LarryHoudini

    Mick Mulvaney: “Government shutdown good if it fixes Washington; also, brain cancer not the worst if it can make me forget about the pain of this ingrown toenail.”

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      *whacks in head with framing hammer* “You want anything else for pain?”

  • Lance Thrustwell

    OT of course, but traffic this morning was like some sort of Greek Hades-torture myth. A mile-and-a-half-long stretch of road took 50 minutes to drive. Sometimes city life sucks.

    • Contemplative Ron

      ‘Sometimes’?

      • Lance Thrustwell

        I like cities fine once I’m out of the damn car!

  • Martini Ambassador 🍸
  • Elvis Causticfellow

    Trump to Putin on sekrit phone call: “It’s all going according to plan, Sir.”

  • Goddamnit. I have to go make cookies

    • jodyleek

      What kind?

      • Mpeg

        Snickerdoodles?

        • shivaskeeper

          Chocolate chip or GTFO.

        • jodyleek

          Maybe Pickwick can make a special recipe and call them Snarkerdoodles a la Wonkette? What would be the secret ingredient?

          • Martini Ambassador 🍸

            Canned clams. Naturally.

          • Rick Hill

            Blech! You should never have those on anything you bake unless it’s in a pie.

          • Lance Thrustwell

            Did somebody say clam pie?

          • Shanzgood

            This is getting really weird.

          • Rick Hill

            Clam pie’s good. As long as you clean it first so you don’t get a mouthfull of sand

          • Shanzgood

            Uh huh. Sand?

          • Rick Hill

            Clams. Sand. It happens. But you have to clean them. Why?What are you thinking I’m talking about?

          • Shanzgood

            Oh…nothing…

          • Rick Hill

            Yeah, I’m always thinking about nothing all the time, too. That and *redacted*

          • Courser_Resistance

            And a very strange shade of weird at that!

          • Kiri the Unicorn

            Whoops. Scroll down next time, Kiri.

          • House0fTheBlueLights

            Obligatory: You MONSTER!

          • Kiri the Unicorn

            Canned clams.

          • shivaskeeper

            Weaponized snark of course.

          • Magyar Has Had It With Trump

            Gin?

    • shivaskeeper

      Make a double batch. Keep the best ones for yourself and let the coworkers get the lesser cookies for the pot luck.

      • Shanzgood

        You’re kinda evil.

        • shivaskeeper

          Are we just noticing this?

    • MynameisBlarney

      The horror!

      • The effort truly is

        • Courser_Resistance

          Baking cookies before noon is just wrong. But bless you for thinking of your workmates!

    • Elvis Causticfellow

      Fuck!

    • Rick Hill

      You think cookies are a good thing? I have a cookie story. It…did not end well. It may have been yesterday, for how clearly I remember it. I must have been three, my grandma, in the kitchen baking. What was she baking? Cookies! And they had bits of chocolate in them, I could see!! Oh, boy! Cookies are finally done, cooled and my awesome grandma gives me one. First bite, oh so goo….wait. What’s that taste??!!? Blech! I look to my grandma, she is frowning. “Those are raisins. You don’t like them?”
      So long ago, so young and innocent I was but I still feel the sting of betrayal caused by those fake chocolate cookies…..

      • Bobathonic

        A raisin is a terrible thing to do to a grape. And then to slip that in a cookie, just evil.

        • Rick Hill

          Now, I’ve matured and I like them but I had never had them when I was little and it was a pretty strong taste to have unexpectedly.

        • Magyar Has Had It With Trump

          If you put raisins, chocolate chips and nuts you get cowboy cookies, which are delicious!

      • jodyleek

        Scarred by some little old raisins? You wouldn’t have survived my invertebrate zoology class. At the end of the year, we had a ‘tasting party’ and one of the offerings was earthworm cookies. Imagine oatmeal raisin cookies, minus the raisins but with chunks of chopped earthworms instead. Not bad, actually.

        • Rick Hill

          When you were three years old?

          • jodyleek

            No, silly, I was 20. When I was three I was eating the earthworms whole and raw, as god intended.

          • Courser_Resistance

            Glad I’m not the only one! Plus I was a girl child. What the hell was wrong with me?

          • jodyleek

            I was a girl child too! Nothing wrong with us. It’s the rest of the world that’s missing out.

          • Courser_Resistance

            That is absolutely true. I’ve had marvelous adventures because of it!

      • House0fTheBlueLights

        I have a friend who says that oatmeal raisin cookies are the reason she has trust issues.

        • Courser_Resistance

          Aw, I like oatmeal raisin cookies!

          Of course, my best friend & I had to bake a pile of cookies in high school. We got bored and put dry cat food in some of them. We about died laughing when people thought they were soooo, delicious!

          So basically, we could have been the cause of your friend’s cookie-trust issues.

      • Doug Langley
      • Meccalopolis

        I picked them out of my…

  • MynameisBlarney
    • Vincent Ricola

      This gonna be fun.

      • puredog

        I assume Comey will make no revelations, and certainly won’t talk about what the FBI is up to now.

    • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

      Checks pantry for popcorn and fridge for butter. Good to go here, people.

    • From Russia with Love

      When they actually make the likes of him and Flynn squeal, I’ll pay rapt attention.

    • Magyar Has Had It With Trump

      Is this the public testimony? Will it be liveblogged for those of us whose blood pressure can’t take watching it?

  • Carpe Vagenda
  • Elvis Causticfellow

    When is Giuliani going to be sentenced for life just on general principles?

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      And do we get a monetary settlement for our pain and suffering?

    • ariel_gee_398
    • Carpe Vagenda

      Can we have some time when the best thing he has to look forward to is occasional visits to his federal facility from his horrible current wife and thug son?

    • From Russia with Love

      I’d be satisfied with sewing his lips together.

      • Magyar Has Had It With Trump

        We’d still have to see him. That man gives me the shivers.

      • Meccalopolis

        He’s been pretty quiet. If I were t rump (shudders), I’d be worried

    • chicken thief

      Think he’ll show up for the sentencing hearing in drag?

  • Left Coast Tom

    Ben Carson, thanking veterans for their service:

    Elsewhere, Carson expressed consternation that an apartment
    complex for veterans was so well heeled, as he remarked that it lacked
    “only pool tables.”

    Carson obsessively makes sure that poor people who get government assistance don’t have things too good, the Times notes, because he believes that making life too comfortable for them would create a sense of dependence.

    “A comfortable setting… would make somebody want to say: ‘I’ll just stay here. They will take care of me,’” Carson explained.

    • Ghenghis McCann

      No tables round the pool? Outrageous.

    • From Russia with Love

      Yeah, it would be a real pity if those senior retirees made $50 or 60K a year just for waking up on the first of every month.

  • chicken thief

    Would that be the Jim DeMint that supported Rmoney in 2008 because of the awesome Rmoneycare in Mass that would be great if only the nation would adopt such a GOP system nationwide, but then did not support Rmoney in 2012 because WTF!? Rmoneycare is just fucking like that Obamacare shit!11!!!!?

  • Axlerosucks

    What kind of hell did I find myself in this morning, who are y’all people, this is scaring me. I hope y’all don’t live in Texas.

    • From Russia with Love

      Everybody with the means has already left Tejas.

      • Shanzgood

        Or went to Austin.

        • Axlerosucks

          Austin is part of California now

          • CripesAmighty

            Is there some sort of competition over at Breitblort to see who can slouch over here to summon the banhammmer the fastest? They’re getting downright dull. Really–the ‘Z’ team? Surely you lot can do better than this.

            Ok, Dok, have at it.

          • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

            Yet another worthless troll cleanup on Aisle5. Poor Dok

          • Axlerosucks

            Liberals do not seem to wonder what has brought conservatism to this point. They see conservatives as traditionalists in a vacuum who do not value what liberals consider to be positive change. Liberals see conservatives as wanting to cling to a way of life that is outdated because it is familiar or because they are afraid of something new.

            Liberals often do not recognize the genius of the American Experiment. Based more closely than any other country known so far on the Judeo-Christian principle of individual liberty coupled with individual responsibility, America has been a light to the nations. Warts and all, it has provided opportunity to the masses, lifted more people out of poverty and disease and opened a pathway to the top for anyone willing to work hard and sacrifice.

            If we continue leveling the playing field to the point of absurdity — where those who apply themselves and study according to the rules are passed over for those who have achieved much less; where people who work and sacrifice according to the rules are asked to give more of their money and the fruit of their labor to strangers who haven’t worked as hard rather than to be able to keep it or give it to their children; where people who have scraped and saved to insure their families have to pay to insure people who haven’t taken that responsibility; where people who have made what they consider to be moral choices are required to underwrite people whose choices offend them morally; and on and on — if we keep pushing that agenda, we are heading for a civil war or a revolution. Lacking the courage for either of these, America will become just another country, and the light of the world will grow dimmer.

          • CripesAmighty

            And Eagles and flags and I’ve got mine fuck you.

          • Axlerosucks

            I also have hard work and devotion to God and Family, you only have your transgendered self to keep yourself company at night.

          • CripesAmighty

            Gee, wonder where you squeeze in all that Jeebus and Family in between prattling on about ‘faggots’ and trolling hapless folks looking for the weather at your Hickville tv station?

            Perhaps you can hang out here :
            https://wonkette.com/616525/focus-on-the-family-has-thoughts-about-your-daughters-purity-gross-thoughts

          • Axlerosucks

            I’m sorry, I cun’t hear you, can you please retype

          • Boscoe

            At this point it is clear that the “light” we’re shining is showing the rest of the world how NOT to do it.

          • doktorzoom

            It was a lot better before you copypasted it from here: http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/opinion/commentary/ct-conservative-liberal-politics-perspec-0316-jm-20160315-story.html

            Bye!

            — Dok Zoom, Yr Friendly Neighborhood Comments Moderator

      • Axlerosucks

        San Miguel de Allende is where we spend half our time, but it still has retarded libtards there.

        • From Russia with Love

          Good, then you’ll have somebody to blow.

          • Axlerosucks

            No I’m sorry, I’ll leave that to you and your faggot husband. Unless you’re married to a real woman, not a love doll, then send her over and I’ll do her and your mom at the same time.

          • Oh aren’t you a clever thing!

          • From Russia with Love

            Not interested, but if you ever find yourself in German (LOL) come on over and I’ll be happy to drive my BMW up your gaping asshole. Or is that your mouth?

          • Axlerosucks

            I think you meant, San Francisco and you drive a Yugo

          • From Russia with Love

            You seem to be obsessed with homosexuality. I know you Texans fuck your cousins, I just didn’t know they were men.

          • Axlerosucks

            I’m so sorry that you’re illiterate, I’m from Texas where we fuck Mexican women, you must be thinking about your home state, Arkansas

          • From Russia with Love

            You bore me sweetheart. I get stupider by virtue of corresponding with stupid rednecks like you, so I will block you now. You’ll write back like the stupid sack of smegma that you are, I just won’t be able to read it. Some parting thoughts:

            1. I’m a liberal. Calling me a homo doesn’t bother me, it actually puts me in pretty good company if you know any history (which you don’t). You could call me a nigger too if you want to, I don’t give a shit. Neither would be factually correct, but facts don’t matter to dumb fucking hicks like you anyway.

            2. You elected a crook to the presidency. I haven’t lived in America for 27 years, so the harm he’s doing and will continue to do to Americans won’t affect me much. The money that I still have in the USA is pretty safely invested such that it can be loaned to losers like yourself so that you can “afford” a used Toyota. When Steve Bannon spead eagles and butt fucks you, I will laugh from afar.

            3. Enjoy the poisoned air, land and water the new administration will bring you. I know, it’s already there in Texas, but you haven’t seen anything yet, Tex. When intelligent liberals take over the country again, we will give Texas an enema to start fixing things. We’ll probably need to stick the hose in near your house.

    • HazooToo

      Some of us are in politics in Texas. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

      • Axlerosucks

        Scared of what, a millennial libtard that can find a paycheck if he wanted to

    • chicken thief

      Well alrighty then, none of that cake we like for you!

      • Axlerosucks

        It depends on the cake, if it’s Hispanic woman with large boobs, I’ll eat it

    • chortlingdingo

      Hate to burst your bubble, but some of us do indeed live in Texas. How did you manage to find your way here, out of curiosity?

      • jesterpunk

        From their other comments I am guessing they are 12 and from dead breitbart.

        • chortlingdingo

          Hah! I always wonder how people like that manage to get here, but I’ve never gotten an answer before they’re banhammered.

        • CripesAmighty

          Apparently, this one has graduated directly from irritating posters at his local TV station, to here. We used to attract a better class of troll.

          • jesterpunk

            Oh so they are a famous published writer?

      • Axlerosucks

        Here meaning Texas or San

        • chortlingdingo

          Ah, I meant the website.

          • Axlerosucks

            Ha, Lost in Translation, I’m on millennial employees showed me a pic that’s connected to this website. Which led me to my original post.

  • Magyar Has Had It With Trump

    Will Arnett is a sexy mofo

    • chicken thief

      Sexier than mah main man Louie Gohmert?!

      • Magyar Has Had It With Trump

        Hate to break it to you, but yes. Speaking of: what happened to him? Did the party staple his mouth shut? Did he run out of Presidential ties? Inquiring minds want to know!

        • chicken thief
          • Magyar Has Had It With Trump

            Of course he is…

          • Bub, Zombie of the Resistance

            When Louie found out Gorka was a “doctor,” he asked for advice about the huge, suppurating boil on his ass.

        • CripesAmighty

          Think he’s just been eclipsed in the derp derby. What used to be jaw-dropping stupidity from a Member of Congress has been rendered ‘meh’ by the daily dump of cataclysmic idiocy from the President.

  • chicken thief

    If anyone needed proof that Trump is an ignorant fuck, letting Pence talk him into signing the bill that pretty much guaranteed that Pence would not be re-elected in Indiana should do it.

    Mike, no one likes your version of Buff Nordic Jesus so take your bill, roll it up real tight, and shove it up your ass. Again. It’s ok to admit you like it.

    • Randy Riddle

      The bill would probably have way too much room, if you get my drift.

  • chicken thief

    Condolences, Katrina.*

    *this has nothing to do with the fact that I think Katrina is hawt

  • Relativicus

    Jim DeMint is a liberal squish now?

  • Claire
  • Panika MCD

    in the campaign ad:

    why is he saying Keystone XL makes us energy independent when it is tar sands from Canada and will be refined into diesel to be sold to Europe?

    • CripesAmighty

      Because it sells.

    • Bub, Zombie of the Resistance

      Because a) he’s a liar, and b) he’s completely ignorant and doesn’t know what he’s talking about anyway.

      • Panika MCD

        the “he” in (a) is whoever made the ad and the “he” in (b) is Tsarina Tic Tacs, right?

    • zerosumgame0005

      because stupid people

    • An Outhouse for the Resistance

      I thought we hate Canada now?

      • Panika MCD

        not when it destroys the nesting grounds for millions of birds. Donald Trump is afraid of birds. I read it on the internet!

  • Carole

    “Trump is expected to sign an E.O. on religious liberty, so let’s all start smoking and drinking excessively as members of the First Church of Hank Chinaski.”

    Just so you know, federal courts interpret “religion” broadly in the context of Title VII, so you may be onto something with the Bukowski Bible.

  • eyelashviper
  • Riley Whodat Venable

    As always, thanks Mr. Gwinn.
    Good to hear that Mr. deMint will be back home on his front porch, drinking mint juleps, and yelling at his servants.

  • NerdWithNoName

    Shouldn’t black footed cat kittens have black feet? False advertising!

  • Poly_Ester

    Threatening to designate having a prostate gland as an uninsurable, pre-existing condition should end the impasse, since all men have prostate problems, eventually.

  • Hardly Ideal

    Mrs. Ideal and I saw the 100 Days ad on MSNBC and just about laid an egg. Like, what the fuck is this? They’re playing a pro-Trump ad, and they’re playing it during The 11th Hour? This is the time of night where they pretty much spend four hours putting Trump in a pillory.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      MSNBC would run an ad from zombie Hitler himself and not give it a second thought, as long as he ponied up the money. They have exactly zero scruples when it comes to advertising.

  • An Outhouse for the Resistance

    Glad we have all the best people running the government.

  • Zyxomma

    Thanks for the kittehs.

  • eddi_the_Bad_Hombre

    Snopes reminds us that Trump has been an expert on the true history of the War Of Northern Agression for years.
    http://www.snopes.com/donald-trump-civil-war-monument/

  • SeeTrain65

    I guess Heritage wasn’t paying attention to DeMint’s work in Congress. Based solely on that, we all knew better than they did that this was coming.

  • (((Aron)))

    And then they added an amendment to the new healthcare bill and it is expected to pass the House. That scares me.

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