SHARE
Only available in print. The internet is unsuitable for girls.

Praise the Lord, y’all! Focus on the Family is bringing back its teen magazine Brio. Our daughters are saved from a lifetime of wanton harlotry! Since Brio ceased publication in 2009, Seventeen and Teen Vogue have been having their way with America’s girls. BUT NO MORE! Time for those tramps to learn how to behave.

On its site, the Evangelical Christian organization makes a wholesome pitch to girls themselves.

You love clothes and beauty fashion tips. So do we!

You want to talk about boys and relationships. So do we!

You love connecting with your friends. So do we!

You want to live out your faith. So do we!

If you are desiring to live fearlessly for God, Brio is for you.

Ummmmm, okay. Some people “are desiring” to eat tapioca pudding. Which is gross, but that’s entirely their business. You do you!

Excerpt from Brio Magazine, via the Columbia Journalism Review

But then Focus on the Family dispatched their VP for content development, self-described “youth culture specialist” Bob DeMoss, to speak to the liberal media, and things got weird.

Photo Credit: Bob DeMoss’s Twitter

As you can see from the vest, Bob is a hip cat who knows how to reach teenage girls. And Bob wants to talk to your daughter and mine about God’s biblical plan for her precious vagina.

“What would the Bible have to say about bullying or peace-making or peer pressure or sexual purity?” Mr. DeMoss said. “Focus on the Family would say and Brio would reflect: ‘Hey, sex was God’s idea so why not follow the game plan that he laid out in the Bible?’ And you’re not going to get that in the pages of ‘Seventeen,’ let’s be clear.”

Oh, thank goodness I found a middle-aged man to talk to my daughter about sexual purity! Tell me more! What if my daughter turns out to be gay? She does play a lot of sports…should I be worried????

“If those topics ever come up in the pages of Brio they will be handled in a non-shaming, grace-filled, welcoming — and by welcoming I don’t mean ‘hey, we have no standards’ — way,” Mr. DeMoss said.

And what are those standards? “We use the Bible as a standard,” he replied, before quickly changing the subject to topics like music reviews and human trafficking.

When it was suggested that he was avoiding the topic, Mr. DeMoss laughed and said “we have more than one instrument in the band.”

He elaborated, “From what I’ve read, if you take all the transgender, all the L.G.B.T., you know, community and the gender fluid and, you know, that entire population — you’re looking at maybe 3 to 5 percent of the entire population of the United States,” a figure broadly in line with a 2012 Gallup survey.

“We would rather communicate to the 95 percent or so who are not dialed into that as a regular kind of thing,” Mr. DeMoss said.

Gotcha! Brio isn’t for the 1 in 20 kids who is part of the sub-standard BLT people. Let’s get back to your thoughts on my daughter’s sex life.

“The heart and soul of the advice does have its roots in what the Bible says about various things from peer pressure and proper dress to sexual purity,” DeMoss says.

Gee, Bob. I am slightly worried that a teenage girl won’t want to take advice on “proper dress” from a 50-year-old guy in a vest. I can’t even get her to wear a raincoat!

The only celebrities to grace Brio’s cover are those who espouse the Christian worldview of Focus on the Family, like the 19-year-old “Duck Dynasty” star Sadie Robertson, who appears on its May cover and has marketed a line of “daddy-approved” prom dresses.

Ummmm…Bob? You seem to spend a whole lot of time thinking about teenage girls and their immodest clothes. My husband doesn’t actually wear dresses. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Is there some reason that he’s uniquely qualified to pick out our daughter’s clothing?

I hope there’s nothing too weird on your personal blog…

I realize we’re in Breast Cancer Awareness Month. I just didn’t expect for a woman to bare her breasts 6” from my face on an airplane. This isn’t an April Fools gag; it’s October after all. I’m telling you the naked truth. The encounter happened on DELTA Flight #16 last Saturday.

One minute this thirty-something blonde was fully clothed. The next moment she stripped off her top revealing what Solomon poetically describes as “two fawns, like twin fawns of a gazelle” (7:3 NIV). These “fawns” were au naturel, as in “naked as a jaybird.” […]

I’m no prude. I’ve considered making Proverbs 5:19 my life verse: “. . . rejoice in the wife of your youth . . . Let her breasts satisfy you at all times; Be exhilarated always with her love” (NASB). Admittedly, I haven’t quite figured out how “at all times” is supposed to work on a practical level, but I digress. […]

Since we haven’t owned a TV for the last 16 years which, granted, is un-American, I thought I’d do my patriotic duty by imbibing in a show. I picked one called the BOSS—a Chicago political drama with a warning label. I’m thinking, “Sure, it’s rated TV-MA for a mature audience, but how nasty could it be when shown on a TV in a public place, right?”

When the blonde tore her top off and reached for her partner’s zipper, I instinctively grabbed a vomit bag to cover the action unfolding on the TV monitor inches from my face. I held the bag in position until both the gratuitous nudity and ensuing sex scene passed. I could tell the offending material was over when the grunts, groans and moans in my headset gave way to dialogue in a new scene.

Let’s say I was a jaded, voyeuristic TV addict who, like a peeping tom, digs watching strangers grope and fondle their way to a climax—which I’m obviously not. Can reasonable adults at least agree there’s something seriously wrong about offering that sort of sordid fare on an airplane where children and discerning adults are present?

Nopenopnopenopennope.

We are done here. The girls are fine, and so are their clothes! The problem is perverts who have inappropriate sexual thoughts about children and externalize the blame! I note there is no companion magazine to teach teenage boys to live a life of “purity.” Bob, I shudder to think what’s in your browser history! You, and your magazine, and your whole organization can fuck right off! Leave our girls alone!

[Focus on the Family / NYTimes / Columbia Journalism Review / NPR / Bob DeMoss’s Personal Blog]

We at Wonkette don’t care if your bra strap is showing! We just want you to take a sweater in case it gets chilly later! And don’t forget to donate.

$
Donate with CCDonate with CC
  • Bill D. Burger

    Perhaps they could get Trump to promote this!

    • Nounverb911

      Melania IS getting long in the tooth….

      • TundraGrifter

        I saw some photos of Mr. Trump at the Met Gala over the years (I’m sure he’s a big donor to the arts; huge) and I’d say the First Lady has had some work done. Or as Dolly Parton asked, “Does she have a Formica top?”

        • Paul Dietzel

          And Dolly is honest enough to say “It costs a lot of money to look this cheap”

      • Celtic_Gnome

        She just turned 47. Has Donnie ever had a woman that old?

    • Crystalclear12

      That would kill it dead. . .

  • TundraGrifter

    “I’m telling you the naked truth. The encounter happened on DELTA Flight #16 last Saturday.

    “One minute this thirty-something blonde was fully clothed. The next moment she stripped off her top revealing what Solomon poetically describes as ‘two fawns, like twin fawns of a gazelle’ (7:3 NIV). These ‘fawns’ were au naturel, as in ‘naked as a jaybird.’ […]”

    I’ve got to talk to the folks in New York who have been booking me on Southwest.

  • grindstone

    I thought some actual real life woman stripped down on a Delta flight (and hey, who hasn’t wanted to do that at some point? Air travel is so sexy, after all), but no, he chose a streaming video that had TV-MA warnings and then complained it was TV-MA? And blamed Delta? Whatevs.

    • NastyBossetti

      It’s not that air travel is sexy, but those cabins can get REALLY stuffy when you’re waiting to taxi for takeoff.

    • Royal Ugly Dude

      I thought he was going to complain about a mother breast feeding on the plane, not a TV show.

  • Crystalclear12

    Couldn’t read the whole blog post, my creepy meter pegged out and initiated an emergency shut down.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      Huh. You said pegged.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    Bless Bob’s tiny little heart.
    With a boundless hardware store of rusty votes.

  • memzilla Ω

    Before I even finished this article, I saw the photo of Bob Moss and my PervOTron Detector pegged at 10. Anybody else have this happen?

  • NastyBossetti

    At first, I thought he was about to be mad because some lady was breastfeeding her kid next to him on the plane, but do you mean to tell me he was mad because he chose to watch a show that came with a warning and someone took her top off?

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      “You wouldn’t BELIEVE the filth they’re showing at my favorite local Porn-0-Mat these days!11!!”

      • NastyBossetti

        No! Say it isn’t so! They’re showing porn at the adult movie theatre?! I have to see this with my own eyes.

  • memzilla Ω

    …”if you take all the transgender, all the L.G.B.T., you know, community and the gender fluid…”

    Gender Fluid: Castrol, Pennzoil, or Quaker State? Is 10W-50 Worth It?

  • baconzgood

    “I’m no prude. I’ve considered making Proverbs 5:19 my life verse…”

    Dude if you go around quoting the bible you are more than likely a “prude”. Just sayin’.

    • BadKitty904

      Sounds like he’s more of a “hypocrite,” really.

  • Anna Elizabeth

    Hey asshole, my Police Officer/Volunteer Firefighter Army Veteran Baptist Deacon father took my Virginity, maybe you should have your “purity” talks with your male “flock”, OK?

    If Trump gets his thermonuclear war, at least all these Christian assholes will finally have to shut up.

  • TundraGrifter

    Expecting that fellow to know anything about women (or his “friend” on the right) makes as much sense as asking your dog for the time.

  • Bill D. Burger

    The next moment she stripped off her top revealing what Solomon poetically describes as ‘two fawns, like twin fawns of a gazelle’ (7:3 NIV). These ‘fawns’ were au naturel, as in ‘naked as a jaybird.’
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/c5fd9b9b5a1486b438b10386b6bf58a8d001863ca4ac855f9b8d4adb2fac4e3c.jpg

  • coozledad

    If this guy isn’t filming women on the shitter my powers of observation are shot.

  • Oblios_Cap

    I just didn’t expect for a woman to bare her breasts 6” from my face on an airplane.

    Sounds like Moss is writing to Penthouse Forum. Just lay back and enjoy it, you prude.

  • ManchuCandidate

    Bob… please stop thinking about the children. You’re grossing everyone out.

    • YoBunnyBunny

      Add “children/teens” to the ever-growing list of things conservatives should not talk about too much lest people think they have a fetish for it (which includes your mom, feet, gays, vibrators, scat, musicals, bestiality, the Disney Channel, etc…)

  • Mr. Blobfish

    It’s got no beat. I can pray to it
    -Brio music review

    • BadKitty904

      You misspelled “prey”. Just sayin’.

  • BadKitty904
    • grindstone

      Any time I’m feeling blue, I watch this movie.

      • BadKitty904

        One of my faves and certainly one of the most romantic films I know. Excellent script, BRILLIANT cast!

      • Magyar Has Had It With Trump

        I watch Sophie’s Choice.

        • grindstone

          And it makes you feel….better? That movie scarred me! ;-)

          • Magyar Has Had It With Trump

            “You think YOU have problems, you selfish piece of shit?”. Guilt always works for me.

          • grindstone

            Oh nice, you have my full attention! Okay, what are some other guilt-laden movies you turn to?

          • Magyar Has Had It With Trump

            Beaches if I’ve gone too long without calling my mom.

  • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

    I need a shower. The cleansing kind, not the cold kind.

  • schmannity

    When will Ms. Robertson’s beard grow in?

  • Vincent Ricola

    My daughter is not allowed to read skanky fanfic from gross old men. Teen Vogue or GTFO.

  • Me The People

    Nice interpretation of ‘graphic design’ there, Bob and co.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    When the blonde tore her top off and reached for her partner’s zipper, I instinctively grabbed a vomit bag to cover the action unfolding on the TV monitor

    Vomit bag: you’re using it all wrong. Maybe if you had been wearing a long raincoat instead, Pervy McPerv.

    BTW, I’m sure all the people around you in their seats are writing self-righteous screeds about this self-righteous perv who goes right for the porn the instant the plane leaves the tarmac.

    • God Emperor Emeritus

      Pretty sure he just misspelled “gym sock”. Common mistake. Happens all the time.

      • unionthuggery

        Sleeve of his favorite jacket libelz!!1

  • Chadwells

    No way I would let my kid anywhere near that fucking creepy ass pedophile looking mofo Bob DeMoss!!!!

    I get a very bad vibe from that guy.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    But vote for a man who referred to his own daughter as a “piece of ass”, or Jesus will punish you.

    • BadKitty904

      KKKlassy, that guy.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        I’m starting to think that what these people call “God’s instrument” may not mean what I thought it did.

        • BadKitty904

          I’m starting to think these people know as much about “God” as I know about “plasma physics”.

          • unionthuggery

            Wait… I almost upvoted, but I’m not sure if you actually know a lot about plasma physics.

          • BadKitty904

            Zip, zero, nada…

          • unionthuggery

            Upvote achieved.

          • arglebargle

            The proper term is Nyet.

  • Vicious Babushka

    The last time I traveled on a Delta flight, which was about 8 weeks ago, they offered a wide variety of entertainment options. Mr. DeMoss eyelids were not propped open a la “Clockwork Orange” and nobody forced him to watch that nassssty TV episode.

    He could have selected a more appropriate, G-rated entertainment option OR JUST READ HIS FREAKING BIBLE.

  • TundraGrifter

    Here’s my solution. Focus on your own damn family and leave mine alone.

    There’s nobody like “conservative” to get up in grill and tell you what you should and shouldn’t be doing with your spouse or significant other, your children, how you should be spending your Sunday, etc., etc.

  • Chadwells

    Why are these religious fanatics so creepy to me? They all remind me of Herbert. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/39ec43fda8d615564cae746e4e7e0ee98d48887088d82b4649c26bc635aac780.gif

    • Contemplative Ron

      Herbert at least doesn’t disguise his preferences behind a bogus holier-than-thou facade.

      • Chadwells

        Too true!

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    I worry less about “the children” being corrupted by seeing sex on tv than I worry about them being corrupted by seeing violence on tv. Seriously, the amount of gun violence portrayed on television and in movies is soul deadening. The amount of pleasure many on the right take from pew-pew imaginings is disgusting.

    • beingreleased

      I’m a failure as a parent on this point. I let my 8 year old watch Star Wars shows like Clone Wars, and the 4 year old watches with him and is now obsessed with fighting and attacks and how many weapons his Lego figures have. I never thought I’d be one of those parents worried about all the violins violence on TV, but here we are.

      • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

        *sigh* Me too. I condemn it but let my daughter watch those exact shows. Not sure what we can do. She would be left out culturally if she didn’t have a familiarity with them.

    • StarBangledSpammer

      On a flight last month, I used my blanket to cover the screen during the assassination scene in Jackie. Didn’t want my son to see that very real-looking depiction quite yet, especially since it freaking/actually happened. Then again, we watch the Star Wars & Harry Potter movies together – I am all about indoctrination.

  • BadKitty904
  • canes_pugnaces

    “From what I’ve read, if you take all the transgender, all the L.G.B.T., you know, community and the gender fluid and, you know, that entire population”

    Gender fluid? I was always wondering what to call that stuff.

    • BadKitty904

      From what I’m told, Republican gender-preference is determined by alcohol-intake.

      • canes_pugnaces

        I thought it was determined by satan in airport bathroom stalls? Maybe both?

      • Mumen Rider Justice CRASH!

        I need to have my gender fluid changed. Any recommendations?

        • BadKitty904

          Well, I go to the Goodyear shop, if that helps any…

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            Do they accept the discount coupons?

          • BadKitty904

            Yes, actually, they do.

          • canes_pugnaces

            Don’t you mean Grope-ons?

          • Paul Dietzel

            Frank: It’s the same old story. Boy finds girl, boy loses girl, girl finds boy, boy forgets girl, boy remembers girl, girls dies in a tragic blimp accident over the Orange Bowl on New Year’s Day.

            Jane: Goodyear?

            Frank: No, the worst.

          • BadKitty904

            lol

    • Anna Elizabeth

      Not funny. Gender-fluid individuals are constantly erased and discriminated against, even in the Queer community.

      • canes_pugnaces

        I was making a bad joke, I am sorry. My daughter is gender fluid.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    The Debbie Gibson look is back?

    • Mumen Rider Justice CRASH!

      You’re referring to the Bob DeMoss picture?

  • Mpeg

    From the Columbia review link:

    “I have a letter from a 14-year-old girl who said ‘I know my mom used to get it because she has them saved in the closet,’ and she says ‘Boy I sure would love it if you would bring back Brio, I’d subscribe in a jiffy,’” DeMoss says.

    • BadKitty904

      Gosh, what a swell idea!

    • NastyBossetti

      Was this letter from 1955?

      • Kiri the Unicorn

        Hey gang, let’s all meet at the malt shop after school!

    • Contemplative Ron

      I defy ANYONE to find a 14-year-old girl who uses the word ‘jiffy’ when not referring to popcorn or oil changes.

    • baconzgood

      “It was in her closet next to the strap on dildo and German midget porn”

      • The Wanderer

        What is this “German midget porn” of which you speak? Asking for a friend.

      • SpideySenser

        Was just thinking the EXACT same thing. But the German midgets were naked Chinese mud wrestlers.

  • Lance Thrustwell

    Bob is such a refreshing voice of sanity. That’s exactly how an emotionally normal person reacts to a cinematic depiction of two consenting adults having sex: barely containing his vomit.

    Now I will read all your sinful comments and spew nonstop on my screen and keyboard {reaches for bag}.

    • disqus_lWwzrwNaw6

      I love the detail that he left his earbuds in so he could hear the whole thing, which is how he knew it was over. Ga-a-a-aack (as the cat said).

    • Phoenixdoglover

      Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzip!

      • SweetDeeKat

        Methinks he lied about the bag placement.

  • Yellow_Dog_Dem

    Why are all the guys who label themselves conservative such fucking perverts? Why are they obsessed with what my daughter does or does not wear? When they start telling the boys what to wear, maybe I’ll pay attention. Until then, they can fuck right off.

    • disqus_lWwzrwNaw6

      Actually, while their public obsession is with the eroticization and subjugation of girls, you don’t want these theocratic sons of bitches anywhere near your boys, either.

      • BadKitty904

        ANYwhere near.

        • Contemplative Ron

          We’re talking light-years here, aren’t we?

          • BadKitty904

            At least.

      • Celtic_Gnome

        That’s too bad. If these assholes are going to be such self-righteous busybodies, they could at least do society a favor by indoctrinating boys at an early age on the concept of consent.

        Oh, wait. He keeps talking about bible-based learning. I don’t think they mention consent in that book.

  • UnsaltedSinner

    Always look for the silver lining
    And try to find the sunny side of life…

    https://twitter.com/ParkerMolloy/status/859764205943214080

    • Contemplative Ron

      If that’s the lesson one is taking away from THT, that person needs to be placed somewhere they can receive the therapy they so desperately need.

    • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

      Federalist: “Don’t feel bad for poor kids. All that suffering builds character!”

    • Phoenixdoglover

      Yes, and Schindler’s List reaffirmed the efficiency of travel by train.

    • Michael Smith

      I saw an issue of the National Review that had a whole article about how Bob Dylan was actually a conservative.

      • Riley Whodat Venable

        I’ve heard he practices Conservative Judaism, but that’s not the same thing.

        • Bitter Scribe

          Didn’t he turn Christer at one point?

          I’ve always had a bit of a hard time taking him seriously.

          • Riley Whodat Venable

            He did for a while, but a co-worker of mine sees him in Temple when he is in New Orleans. Several times a year.

  • La forza del resistino

    There’s a dancer in a bar down the street named Gazelle who is promoting her twin fawns to put her through medical school. I am an enthusiastic patron.

    • PubOption

      If you have noticed such things, does she have long, thin legs?

  • Mumen Rider Justice CRASH!

    Sure, because religious sexual anxiety has served the world so well so far

  • unionthuggery

    There are none creepier than church “youth specialists”. Those youth ministers are like a parade of pedophilia waiting to occur. Here in the south it’s like every four months that there’s some big child porn operation, or sex with minors conviction, or child prositution case involving a youth minister. The funny thing is, nobody really talks about it much. It’s an epidemic. They all look obviously creepy as well. Either downright creepy like this guy, or date-rapey looking.

    TLDR: don’t let your kids near a youth minister.

  • Dr Skwerl B-bart MI-6 Expert

    I instinctively grabbed a vomit bag

    You should probably get that checked out by a non-faith based doctor. I don’t think healthy individuals should be grabbing for barf bags so often that 1) they have them handy and 2) they have developed a instinct to reach for one.

  • Lance Thrustwell

    There are really only three choices of magazine for teens now: Brio, Rumiyah and Barely Legal. I think the last may be the most wholesome.

    • Dr Skwerl B-bart MI-6 Expert

      What about Teen Assault Guns Weekly?

      • Lance Thrustwell

        Ooh!

  • Dr Skwerl B-bart MI-6 Expert

    BTW: what does the Bible say about lesbians?

    (psst: nothing)

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Romans 1:26 does condemn it by implication. Not that I give a shit, but.

      • Contemplative Ron

        But I thought we were supposed to read the Bibble literally!

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      OTOH, the Bible goes on at considerable length about caring for the poor and forgotten. But let’s not lose our focus over nitpicky details….

      • BadKitty904

        Justice and mercy are pretty big, too, as I recall.

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          Not so much in the revised King Trump version that most fundamentalist congregations use these days.

          • BadKitty904

            Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves.

            ~ Jesus of Nazareth (Matthew 7:15 KJV)

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            When I saw “blessed be the pussy grabbers…”, I knew something had changed from the original.

          • Royal Ugly Dude

            It’s not to be taken literally. It could refer to creepy pervs of any kind.

          • Celtic_Gnome

            The cheesemakers are still in there, right?

          • Ghenghis McCann

            When Jesus come to town, all the working folks around
            Believed what he did say
            But the bankers and the preachers, they nailed Him on the cross,
            And they laid Jesus Christ in his grave.

            Woody Guthrie

  • Oblios_Cap

    Why did they name that magazine after a French cheese?

    • Ghenghis McCann

      Brie? Oh…

    • Lance Thrustwell

      ‘Brio’, not Brie. As in, “he performed fellatio on the youth minister with brio.”

      • YoBunnyBunny

        ew.

    • Old Man Yells at Cloud

      Its in honor of Lil’Donnie and his appreciation of French politeness. By now everyone has heard of Lil’Donnie’s fondness for “Oui, oui”

      • The Wanderer

        Reminds me of a Perrier parody ad in National Lampoon back in the 80s. “Terrier, from the heart of your dog. Oui! Oui!”

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Acutally, I was looking for Brioche magazine. Guess I’ll keep looking.

    • Magyar Has Had It With Trump

      I was wondering why it was named after the Hungarian dude who invented the ballpoint pen.

      • Querolous

        Back in the day there was an auto enthusiast magazine called “Brio” as in cabriolet. In American that would be “Ragtop”.

  • PubOption

    DeLay, DeMint, DeVos, DeMoss – Where do de Repubs find dese people?

    • Lance Thrustwell

      In de trash.

    • Ghenghis McCann

      DeFeat, DeBacle, DeStroy. The list goes on and on.

      • Celtic_Gnome

        Don’t forget DePlorable.

    • BadKitty904

      DeMentia? DeLusional?

    • The Wanderer

      De bowels of Hell Creek, Alabama.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      In de wingnut cesspool.

    • Keith Taylor

      Okay, I confess to mindlessly following the crowd here, but I still have to join the chorus. I can’t help myself.
      DeMonic DeRangement DePot?

    • Dudleydidwrong

      And their leader is Count De Money (or deMonay).

    • Mehmeisterjr

      And don’t forget Byron De La Beckwith.

  • UnsaltedSinner

    I keep coming back to Harry Enfield these days…

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WLgzxk7Rd-Q

  • kareemachan

    Um, I like tapioca pudding….

    • Contemplative Ron

      That’s okay, Jesus forgives you.

    • Fidel Jack Tenhet

      MONSTER!!11!

    • jodyleek

      Me too! And I put canned clams in my chowder. I must be history’s greatest monster!

      • Celtic_Gnome

        I put canned clams in my seafood bisque, but I still think Bob DeMoss is a perv who should not be allowed to mix with polite society.

  • Anna Elizabeth

    I’m out of her for today. Be well.

    • Have a good day Anna!

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      *cheek smooch*

    • Fidel Jack Tenhet

      Be well, Anna! Wish I’d seen you sooner.

      When you get back, Just reply to this message. I wanna know how you’re doing, gurl! :D Miss ya!

      • Anna Elizabeth

        Hi Jack. :) I’m doing OK, thanx, how are you?

        • Fidel Jack Tenhet

          Doin’ good! Thanks! Glad to hear you’re okay.

          • Anna Elizabeth

            I’m thankful to have you for a friend Jack. ~hugs~ It was triggering to have those slurs used here, but I’m pressing on, and it’s been a good day today. :)

          • Fidel Jack Tenhet

            I know. I have to step back every now and again myself. You’re a great person and to hell with anyone who can’t see that.

          • Anna Elizabeth

            Thank you Jack. :) You’re a good man yourself. ~hugs~

          • Fidel Jack Tenhet

            ~hugs~

  • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

    Bob looks like a big fan of The Handmaid’s Tale.

    • unionthuggery

      But as a guide book, or societal operations manual.

      • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

        He calls it, “Bible #2”.

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      As an instruction manual?…

  • Royal Ugly Dude

    Just… ew

    • Doug Langley

      Big whoop. They had bare breasts on I Claudius back in the 70’s.

  • fawkedifiknow

    You can imagine how revolted this guy must have been when the main topic of conversation was pussy grabbing by our current religious right wing icon, Donald Trump.

    • YoBunnyBunny

      “How dare you godless liberals REPEAT such a vile word on television!!!!11!1!”

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      You know as well as I do that he smirked and said something admiring.

    • Fidel Jack Tenhet

      “He’s just telling it like it is! We’ve all popped a few tic-tacs and sexually assaulted our friend’s wife under the guise of taking her furniture shopping.”

    • SpideySenser

      But voted for Agent Orange, nonetheless.

  • unionthuggery

    So, is there a teen girls magazine that encourages them to smash the patriarchy? Because there needs to be one.

    • YoBunnyBunny

      Teen Vogue! Seriously!!! Even I’m like DAMNNNNN!!!!

      http://www.teenvogue.com/news-politics

      • Celtic_Gnome

        I check Teen Vogue every day for their political coverage, and I’m neither a teen nor in vogue.

    • nightmoth

      Believe it or not, Teen Vogue is coming close. They’ve got a new editorial staff and they do not like the Trump at all. Despite the emphasis on fashion and beauty, there are a couple of red hot political articles every month. And some of the beauty articles are along the lines of “Don’t tell me how to wear my hair!” or “My body is my own!” or “Fat shamers should be ashamed!” Check it out.

  • The Wanderer

    Hmm, middle-aged man, giving advice to under-18 girls . . . um . . .

    http://www.reactiongifs.com/r/2013/02/nope.gif

    https://media.giphy.com/media/1R9ROgA9EgNXi/giphy.gif

  • Hey, sex was God’s idea so why not follow the game plan that he laid out in the Bible?’

    So, little lady, if that young man happens to rape you, first, make sure it happens outside the city limits otherwise it’s your fault too, and second, you make sure he pays your dad 50 shekels of silver and marries you.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Actually, sex was the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil’s idea; God was so angry about that he created menstruation and birth pain. Let’s be sure to tell teen girls who’s responsible for their cramps.

    • Ghenghis McCann

      At the current rate of exchange 50 Shekels = $13.84, €12.68 or £10.71. I think the Bible hasn’t kept up with inflation.

      • YoBunnyBunny

        I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s how they actually value vaginas. I mean, they totally depreciate after you drive them off the lot, right???

        • cats530

          Yeah, like used chewing gum (a Christian purity movement author describes them as such).

          • YoBunnyBunny

            Funny how that works, it’n it? A vagina is basically a holy vessel of gold, but after one ride it’s a piece of chewing gum on the sidewalk. All the WTF.

          • Celtic_Gnome

            I had a Christian biology teacher who gave us a big lecture about getting a steak with a bite out of it and lipstick on it. We had no idea what she was talking about.

            I think she used the time she was legally required to cover evolution for her purity talk.

    • cats530

      If gawd thought genitals were so icky and yucky and disgusting, why did he make them?

  • Fidel Jack Tenhet

    Yeah, No!

    This guy, huh? Why do I picture him as the one awkward older guy who keeps telling his friends daughter how much she’s “grown”.

    Going no further with this, I already threw up yesterday and don’t want a repeat today.

    • Ghenghis McCann

      If you need a vomit bag, Bob will provide.

      • Fidel Jack Tenhet

        I’m sure he has quite a collection of vomit bags for those awkward moments when a woman’s dirty pillows make him stand at half mast.

      • Nockular cavity

        Nope. They’re being used to cover the teevee.

  • The Librarian

    Bob is just plain gross. I hope his daughters have locks on their doors.

    • Magyar Has Had It With Trump

      I’ve known folks into this kind of child-rearing who take the doors off their kids’ bedrooms. Because that isn’t fucking creepy, at all.

      • m n

        Lol we were specifically forbidden to lock our doors. For six months or so in high school my parents took my door right off entirely and put it in the attic. I don’t even remember why at this point but I do remember getting dressed in the closet.

        COINCIDENTALLY, my mom got me a magazine like this and a pile of accompanying teenage girl purity books for my birthday around that time. 2nd worst birthday of my life.

  • rosenbomb

    “Let’s say I was a jaded, voyeuristic TV addict who, like a peeping tom, digs watching strangers grope and fondle their way to a climax—which I’m obviously not.”

    I love it when religious fanatics describe, in great detail, something they are “obviously not.” It often proves the opposite.

    • The Wanderer

      We can reliably predict that he’ll be arrested.

      • rosenbomb

        One hopes.

      • SpideySenser

        In a hotel room, with a young boy-toy.

    • SpideySenser

      Projection! They give themselves away every time.

  • anwisok
    • The Wanderer

      Ahh . . . a bit of fresh air. Thanks!

    • Parakeetist

      Thank you.

  • Keith Taylor

    As a bloke with sisters and nieces, and now grand-nieces, I do not like people advocating the Bible’s standards of sexual purity. Why not? Well, Leviticus 20 and 21 for a start. If a woman is found not to be virginal on her wedding night, she must be put to death. If she’s the daughter of a priest, she’s to be barbecued like Joan of Arc. Gays of course must die. “Their blood shall be upon them.”
    No thanks. And Dominionists like Mike Pence and Betsy DeVos, would you please oh please get out of the U.S.A. and go live in Saudi Arabia?

    • YoBunnyBunny

      I recently was chatting with someone of questionable persuasions. He said, “Do you know what kind of vile things they do to women in the Koran????”. (I shit you not).

      My response, “Do YOU know what kind of vile things they do in the Bible????”

      I could not believe I was having that “conversation” with an actual human person.

      • Carole

        Human libelz.

    • Red Bird Ω

      Amen. I read somewhere that Dubai is 40% Christian due to foreign workers. Maybe they can go live there and live in the theocracy they dream of.

      • Keith Taylor

        It’s a lovely thought, but they want a Christian theocracy in their own United States. Wingnut hysteria about fundamentalist Islam gaining power in the U.S.A. and hordes of terrorist maniacs coming in completely unvetted is one of the factors that makes them hopeful. Try them with facts, such as the fact that only about one per cent of the country’s population is Islamic, and you have extreme vetting of Middle Eastern immigrants already, did when Obama was president, and they won’t believe you. (That’s putting it mildly to go by some of the rants I’ve seen online.)
        Robert Heinlein wrote a sharp, meticulously detailed story about a future fundamentalist (Christian) theocracy in a future America, all the way back in 1940. He presciently gave it the title, ” — If This Goes On — “. Decades later, referring to it, he said that it was based on the idea that Americans were capable of “throwing away their dearly bought freedoms to submit to a crude and ridiculous religious dictatorship” and that he’d never received a fan letter from anybody who thought that notion was ridiculous. “I infer,” he added, “that I am not alone in believing it.”
        One of the many realistic touches in the story is that while the common people are expected to be strict and pure and repressed in their sex lives, the rulers, the series of “Prophets Incarnate”, keep a harem of conscripted beauties. Their official title is “Virgins” and the mug public believes it.
        When finally freed in a revolution, the women tear the “Prophet” apart.

  • La forza del resistino

    If only vest man’s date found him attractive enough to put out on prom night.

  • Kiri the Unicorn

    This is about uptight men trying to suppress and control women’s autonomy, isn’t it?

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    Too bad it isn’t physically painful to be this sexually repressed.

    • DesertedPictures

      How do you know? Lacking any other evidence, I assume it feels like having a big stick up once ass.

      • Magyar Has Had It With Trump

        Not that there’s anything wrong with that

    • snark-lurker

      it must be painful! when i get…um…uh…”frisky” & cannut do anything about it that is painful–but just a temporary condition : ) to go thru young life without any…oh nevuh mind

      • Dutchman

        Frisky? A desire to be ridden?

  • Royal Ugly Dude

    Keep this man off PiperChat.

  • Toomush_Inferesistance

    When Toomush was a lad, the Toomush Mom put “Christian” books on Young Men Growing Up in his bedroom. Toomush, at ten, felt strongly that they were among the crappiest prose he’d ever read…

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      I got my offspring the Teen version of Our Bodies Ourselves. There was eye rolling and “Mom ewwww” but then later it quietly disappeared into her room.

    • cats530

      I was forced to read Tim LaHaye’s, “Left Behind” in 8th grade Xtian school. I thought it was pretty stupid.

      • Celtic_Gnome

        I read the first page of the first book at a display in a store. That level of writing put me off going any further.

    • Christopher Story

      I spent 20 years as a devout Jehovah’s Witness. Conservative Christians of all stripes are just really weird about sex, and my family was genuinely fanatical about it. I’m so fortunate to be as sexually healthy and well-adjusted as I am. The amount of sexual shaming that goes on in these institutions should be branded obusive; given the abuses they inspire.

  • puredog

    Bob. . .you do you, but I fulfill my patriotic duty by “imbibing DURING tv.”

  • anon_the_great

    Pro Tip to Everyone

    Don’t share your sexy thought nor bits on the intertubes
    Not once
    Not Ever
    Never Never
    Never ever ever

    He/she’s not that into you but a gaggle of basement pervs sure are

  • Dutchman

    Bob is a hip cat who knows how to reach teenage girls? Perhaps that’s why I’m getting an “inappropriate touching” kinda vibe from this hep cat.

  • Saxo the Grammarian

    Hair and makeup tips for purity balls or GTFO!!!

    • Dudleydidwrong

      All right! Okay! I give up. You win. What are makeup tips for balls, purity or otherwise?

  • SpideySenser

    My gawd fearing Evangelical (extremely racist, sexist and homophobic) sister-in-law signed my daughter up for that rag many moons ago. It went immediately into the recycle bin. She also signed me up for news letters from Focus on the Family. This was a pain in the ass as I had to contact them myself, on my dime and my time, to tell them to get the fuck out of my email like forever. In return, I got her a subscription to the “Gay Advocate”. She never mentioned receiving it so I have no idea if she knows where her subscription came from.

    • Red Bird Ω

      Nice family.

      • SpideySenser

        Just her, the rest are a bit on the religious side but are not god-botherers.
        My husband is def not nutty in the religious department, he’d much rather golf on Sundays. He worships at the 19th hole.

  • beatbort

    “like a peeping tom, digs watching strangers grope and fondle their way to a climax—which I’m obviously not.”
    TRANSLATION:
    “I am obviously an Internet porn addict and most assuredly watch my neighbor’s daughter sunbathe in the backyard while I am wearing only a lobster bib and a large, soiled diaper”

  • CriticalDragon1177

    Five Dollar Feminist,

    I have a very good feeling that this “teen magazine” will be a failure.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      It will be a failure as a magazine but a success as a tax dodge and money-laundering operation. And isn’t that the important part?

  • Mavenmaven

    Sure, advocate for girl’s wearing hats to cover their hair for modesty, just like SHARIA LAW, you hypocrites!

  • ImGoingBacon

    When I read the bit about him being on an airplane, and a lady stripped off her top, I was thinking it was live, right in front of him. Instead, it’s on Delta’s in-flight video app. If it were the former, I would have been like “whoa, hey lady’. Since it was the later, fucking change the channel to Disney… oh, wait.

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      I thought he was going to talk about breast feeding.

    • JustDon’tSayFlatEarth

      And I don’t believe his story about the video, either. Soft pr0n on an airliner? I don’t think so.

      • aureolaborealis

        Yep. 10/10 did not happen.

        • Celtic_Gnome

          Perhaps Mr. DeMoss could give us the flight number this occurred on, and we could contact the airline to determine which shows were offered. It was probably a rerun of Dawson’s Creek.

  • Doug Langley

    Oh mah dear sweet Gawd. DeMoss looks EXACTLY like William Shatner’s murderer on the Columbo I saw this weekend.

    • BigBoppa ~ Résistent

      He looks like someone whose crawl space should be examined by the proper authorities.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        He has that Pogo the Clown vibe.

    • cats530

      I thought he looked like a menacing and not-so-benevolent version of an obese Austin Powers.

  • Nockular cavity

    TAPIOCA LIBEL!!!!!111!!!!!$&>%_'{£*!

    • Magyar Has Had It With Trump

      IKR? Now I have to fucking make tapioca.

    • Royal Ugly Dude

      It’s good in Thai iced tea.

      • Magyar Has Had It With Trump

        Boba? Fucking nasty.

    • Raan

      Hey, if I want to get my pudding on like an old, that’s between me and Azetlor, Sumerian god of desserts.

    • alpacapunchbowl

      Nope nope nope nope nope. That shit is nasty, and not in the good way

  • Royal Ugly Dude

    “. . . rejoice in the wife of your youth . . . Let her breasts satisfy you at all times; Be exhilarated always with her love”

    No shit, that’s in the Bible? This helps explain a particular pathology in our culture.

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      And according to that Bibble, when the wife of your youth gets a bit swaybacked and long in the tooth, you can get another wife, or two, or 50, and rejoice some more.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        There you go! Donald is being biblical by tossing those used wives on the trash heap!

        • E.A. Blair

          Trump ran into his ex-wife the other day. He told his driver to back up and run into her again.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    So, a tract filled with conflicting stories made up by bronze age sheepherders is the “standard” by which these regressives seek to influence the lives of girls.

    Good luck with that, dicks.

  • chascates

    FOCUS ON YOUR OWN FUCKING FAMILY!!

    • Magyar Has Had It With Trump

      Mine would make his head explode. My hubby, his then partner and their best friend adopted 2 (wonderful) daughters. 3 dads and a mom.

    • cats530

      He is. He’s doing his best to ensure dysfunction.

  • chicken thief

    Sweet! I can hardly wait for the Brizdull editorials!

  • E.A. Blair

    Good choice of title for that magazine:

    A racy young lady named Clio,
    Whom I met at a party in Rio
    As she took off her panties,
    She said, “No andantes!
    I want this allegro con brio!”

  • prommie

    Interesting that magazine used a painting of a lady for the cover, rather than a photo.

  • OrdinaryJoe

    Story here about Bob being caught with a pay for play companion in 9..8….7…6…

    • pianoplayer1

      And the companion will be a boy. His breast obsession seems fake.

  • Thaumaturgist

    I cannot get my daughter to wear a winter coat. OTOH, she exercises a veto power whenever I am to be seen in public with her.

  • JMP

    Now, if someone were to actually start taking their clothes and going at it on a public plane, that would be incredibly rude; but I am 100% positive that never happened and this asshole’s story is completely made up.

    • John Thorstensen

      He was talking about what was on the TV.

      “My freaking ears!” — Rodd, or Todd Flanders

      • JustDon’tSayFlatEarth

        Still, also made up. Airlines have the racy stuff edited from their in-air entertainment.

    • cats530

      He was daydreaming about the porn he watched the night before he boarded the plane.

    • Vel Venturi

      He was practicing for his upcoming Penthouse Forum letter.

  • Michael Smith

    This like how, at my Catholic grade school, the girls weren’t allowed to wear makeup or “spaghetti strap” tops. And if they did, they would be called out for it and sent to change into a school approved outfit and to wash their faces.

    Of course, the school for some reason didn’t care that skirts were part of the uniform (girls could wear pants, too, if they wanted – we were super modern) which we boys found much more “distracting” than makeup or spaghetti straps.

    But none of us tried to use those skirts as an excuse for anything. At the time, the internet was still AOL dial-up so we didn’t have access to the MRA manifestos which would have told us that all of our problems stem from these strumpets showing their knees.

    • Bitter Scribe

      Hell, remember that school that made girls who wore whatever the hell was deemed inappropriate some kind of burlap-sack-looking coverup that had “DRESS CODE VIOLATION” stenciled across it? And IIRC, it was a public school (in the Deep South, natch).

      • I woulda rocked that look. Put a cute belt around it, rolled the hem, hell yeah.

  • Swampay

    I’m sure these “Christians” wouldn’t mind if I exclude them from my business based on their non-Bokononist lifestyles.

    • Carole

      If they don’t belong to the Church of the Subgenius, I will not bake them a cake.

  • Swampay

    “We use the Bible as a standard,” Incest is best, relatively speaking.

    • dshwa

      Multiple wives? Force your slaves and prisoners of war to marry you?

      • John Resistant Tovarich Smith

        Since the prisoners of our recent wars seem to be brown, they would prefer to keeping them in the woodpile as opposed to marriage.

        • Well, he did say sex, not marriage. My guess is he wants his daughters to begat sons with him or something Lot like that.

    • TundraGrifter

      “Nepotism” – the other game the whole family can play.

  • cats530

    “But then Focus on the Family dispatched their VP for content development, self-described “youth culture specialist” Bob DeMoss,”

    There is nothing more pervy than a self-proclaimed “yute” (see ‘My Cousin Vinny’ for reference) pastor.

    • TundraGrifter

      “Culture?” Reads like the kind you’d find in the back of a lab refrigerator in a long-ignored Petri dish. Botulism would be an improvement over this maroon’s culture.

  • alpacapunchbowl

    Creeping (and creepy) Christian Sharia. If I wasn’t a proponent of civil and human rights, I’d say chemically castrate the lot of ’em that embrace this revolting nonsense. They’re lucky that most people are more ethical and moral than they are.

  • cats530

    Who in the hell looks at a pair of boobs and thinks “Gosh, that looks like twin fawns of a gazelle.” Song of Solomon Porn?

    • Dudleydidwrong

      He can’t spell. There’s a fashion model named “Giselle” who causes the buttons on his vest to pop.

    • Grumpy Twat

      The same guy who “instinctively” covers them up with a sick bag.

  • Carole

    But that’s just it. My daughter does NOT want to talk to talk to you about “boys and relationships.” She does not even want to talk to you about “girls and relationships.” She respectfully requests that you take your magazine and shove it up your pimply, obese, bespectacled arse.

    • cats530

      His ass wears spectacles? : )

      • maman

        He wears that vest. Anything is possible.

  • cats530

    I’m getting really creepy vibes about this guy. The question is does he prefer girls or boys to prey upon?

  • cats530

    “When the blonde tore her top off and reached for her partner’s zipper, I
    instinctively grabbed a vomit bag to cover the action unfolding on the
    TV monitor inches from my face. I held the bag in position until both
    the gratuitous nudity and ensuing sex scene passed. I could tell the
    offending material was over when the grunts, groans and moans in my
    headset gave way to dialogue in a new scene.”

    If you found it so offensive, why didn’t you just turn off the monitor?

    • Carole

      Because then he couldn’t whinge and play the eternal victim card.

      • cats530

        lol – yes. Then he would have nothing to write about or be fake-outraged about.

        • TundraGrifter

          Faux outrage seems to come in industrial-size containers these days. By the carload.

    • Bitter Scribe

      “Oh my God, I’m so offended! Plus I’m getting screen glare on this monitor!”

  • Riley Whodat Venable

    Thanks $5F.
    I always wonder who the women are that marry these clowns, and why they stay married to them.
    Did he say how he feels about Exodus 21: 7-11?
    Do I have to follow Leviticus 19:19 when I buy my daughter a prom dress?
    I’m asking for a friend.

    • brain washing.
      That is why they are so desperate to have women out of the work place and un-equal- their pool of potential spouse material is drying up.
      No, for real.

      • Riley Whodat Venable

        I’ve noticed an uptick in mail order Asian brides among this crew.

        • Celtic_Gnome

          I’m surprised they don’t go with Russian brides. That would be more patriotic.

        • cats530

          That’s wonderful news. Some of those Asian ladies are tough as nails (good for them – in this world, you have to be!) and those Religious Right males who think they are getting submissive brides, are in for quite the unpleasant surprise. Lol.

  • maman

    Whoa, whoa, whoa! You haven’t owned a tv in 16 months and your first foray is a cable show? Slow it down, cowboy! Start slow. Maybe the Goldbergs. A story about a nice American family.

    • Carole

      How ’bout Little Mosque on the Prairie?

  • Carole

    FOTF was founded by that fucker James Dobson, who thought it was a good idea to beat his miniature Dachsund with a belt and then write about it. The only possible response to these people, from my kid’s perspective, would be Krav Maga.

    • cats530

      Mucus on the Family is a better name. It’s gross, clingy, tenacious and won’t let go – exactly like Dobson’s warped brand of xtianity.

    • PsycWench

      Is “miniature dachshund ” some kind of euphemism or are we talking about a literal canine?

      • Carole

        Unfortunately, he’s euphemism-impaired. He used the story of his attack on a “disobedient” 12 pound dog to demonstrate why good Christian parents should also beat their children. And when I read that, I wanted to find him and pound his face into the sidewalk until it looked like hamburger. With votes.

        • cats530

          I read about that too and felt so bad for that poor little dog.

          • Carole

            He was obsessed with the poor dog’s “anarchical nature” and wrote nasty things about his inability to perform as a watchdog. Authoritarianism is at the root of all Christian Family Dogma.

          • Gregory Brown

            These so-called Christian bastards absolutely ignore the New Testament, and derive all their fucked up “morality” from the Old.

          • cats530

            Yes, I remember his proud sadistic bragging about that. I hope James Dobson’s god curses Dobson with incurable sarcoptic mange.

      • Grumpy Twat

        Either way, he’s beating a sausage dog.

  • Or, you could just sell your daughter into slavery, as Leviticus 21:7 advises…

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NVE5fNMM8cg

  • Operation American Jesus®

    His blog pic and his most recent visage are markedly different.

    It never fails that men claiming authoritarian rule on female sexuality and “purity” thereof are inevitably found to be despicable financial conmen and vile sexual abusers of the underaged.

    Clock is ticking on this man’s freedom to hurt people.

  • AnnieGetYerFun

    Eh, to each his own, I guess. What I wouldn’t do to bring Sassy back into circulation.

  • proudgrampa

    Well I, for one, am sure glad that SOMEONE is out there willing to run other people’s lives…

    FFS…

  • TundraGrifter

    OK – So it’s Delta for raw sex and United for MMA. Which airline has the best bar car? Free, preferably.

    I ask for a friend.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      Southwest FTW!

  • aureolaborealis

    Dirty, dirty, filthy titty!
    https://youtu.be/CcQYfPvlryE?t=50s

  • Bitter Scribe

    “Hey, sex was God’s idea so why not follow the game plan that he laid out in the Bible? And you’re not going to get that in the pages of ‘Seventeen,’ let’s be clear.”

    I’m old enough to remember when Seventeen was all about that. One article or short story after another was about girls fending off horny boys. One wit described the editorial mission of the magazine at the time as “teaching young women how to attract young men and then avoid having sex with them.”

    I haven’t looked at an issue in a long time, but I’m pretty sure Seventeen evolved past that long ago. Good to know that this Brio is picking up the slack. And being an arm of FotF, they won’t have to worry about pesky things like ad revenue or circulation.

    P.S. Does anyone remember Sassy? Now that was a worthwhile magazine for teen girls. EDIT: I guess Annie below does.

    • If we’re following God’s plan for sex, does that mean we should kill our most loyal friend and fuck his wife?

      • Dudleydidwrong

        Stoning adulterers, etc. is always holy fun.

        • Gregory Brown

          Nice time joke! One day Jesus was traipsing about Jerusalem when he heard a commotion down the street. Upon arriving at the scene he found an angry crowd ready to stone a prostitute. Jesus pushed through the crowd, and took a stand next to the fallen flower, and staring defiantly out over the sea of faces, declared, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone!” The crowd fell silent, and then, a large stone rose up from the back of the crowd, sailed over everyone, and struck the prostitute in the head, killing her. Jesus peered at the spot from which the stone had come, then said, “Mom, sometimes you really PISS ME OFF!”

          • nightmoth

            I’ve heard that one, and I love you for reminding me of it! And for all your comments, Greg. One body in the divine, no matter the label. Peace Out.

          • Gregory Brown

            Peace be upon you too, my friend.

      • sgt. jmk of the résistance

        I guess it means that the girls who read Brio! should learn to be OK with their husbands fucking the servants also too.

  • The Other Tim

    That’s a lot of lipstick Sadie.

    • agnosticsdonthatemuch

      You are right. And the color, lustfully provocative!
      Shame!

      • The Other Tim

        A painted lady.

      • Celtic_Gnome

        A friend who was a drag queen was looking for a specific shade of red lipstick. No matter how he described it, everything the sales lady showed him just didn’t work. Finally, exasperated, he said, “Look, I want cocksucker red lipstick.”

        The saleslady said, “Why didn’t you say so,” and pulled out the exact shade he’d been looking for.

        • cats530

          I envision that as a garish orange coral red rather than a purple-based red, but I could be wrong…

  • aureolaborealis

    He describes that horrific glimpse of breast as though it was actually happening right in front of him. Kind of like he’s been conditioned by something to not be able to distinguish between fiction and reality.

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    Wait, Sadie Robertson, granddaughter of the perv who said this?

    “Look, you wait ’til they get to be 20 years old, the only picking that’s going to take place is your pocket,” he said. “You got to marry these girls when they are about 15 or 16. They’ll pick your ducks

    You actually want this guy picking out your daughter’s prom dress? Fortunately for Sadie, she’s 19, so she’s practically an old maid in their eyes and is safe…

    • Gregory Brown

      Almost ready to start taking men for their money, apparently.

  • Donkey Option

    Wait – so he consciously chose to watch a TV-MA show on a flight and then had the audacity to complain about it? The fuck dude! No one made you watch that! Hell, they even warned you that if you aren’t mature (which you clearly aren’t) you probably shouldn’t watch it! I’m sure there were hundreds of other things you could have watched. That’s like going to a strip club and complaining about the naked women or a gay bar and complaining about the gay people.

  • Pickles

    “When the blonde tore her top off and reached for her partner’s zipper, I instinctively grabbed a vomit bag to cover the action unfolding…”

    In my pants :)

    • Dudleydidwrong

      I decided to try his technique: beating off while the object of my affection was sheathed in an old Delta Airlines vomit bag. It didn’t work for me. This guy must have a grip of steel or something. Paper cuts hurt!

  • Résistance Land Shark Ω

    Dead hooker or live boy in 3 … 2 … 1 …

    • cats530

      Live boy…ala Ralph Shortie, just happened to be frequenting a no-tell motel where they were going to have a 1:1 Bible study in the motel room.

  • btwbfdimho

    Trump: “Ivanka’s panties are Made in USA, so they are part of the Gross Domestic Product.”

  • Mormos
  • Just sayin, a good Christian would have turned off the filth, not closed their eyes and listened to the grunts and groans.

  • Zyxomma

    Ugh.

  • cgthegeek

    Does “daddy approved prom dress ” mean it didn’t give your father a boner or that it did?

    • yes

    • rubikcube

      “A shameful boner is a boner nonetheless.” – Sir Isaac Newton

    • YourMom

      ^^^^Best comment today. Dying here.

  • BearGHAZI
  • Sitkajo

    Im glad they are promoting biblical standards because girls need to see a good old fashioned biblical stoning every once in awhile to keep them in submission to god.

  • BearGHAZI

    “Get your devil fawns out of my face, woman!” said the sane person

  • Dolmance

    I almost choked when I read the paragraph below the photo of “Bob.”

  • Dolmance

    Sex education in our house, consisted entirely in telling our daughters to keep their pinkie extended when holding an erect penis.

  • What the hell is a “brio”, anyway?

    • Mehmeisterjr

      What, you never scoured a pot with a Brio Pad?

    • Khavrinen

      A brioche that’s had the “che” lopped off by people who are sure that’s probably some sort of Messican thing, even though it’s a French bread?

    • Fun with Cthulhu

      It’s a delicious carbonated soft drink from Italy.
      The main ingredient is chinotto, a pleasantly bitter fruit of the orange family. Other natural flavours includes:
      – Sweet orange
      – Liquorice
      – Rhubarb
      – Vanilla Beans

    • Grumpy Twat

      It’s the trade name for that gender fluid he was talking about.

  • rubikcube

    From the Macedonian hacker-journalists who brought you LifeZette: It’s Brio!! A hot new JUST fer TEENS magazine so hip only your shut-in grandparents could love it or even know about it.

  • kindness

    No boy mags because they are all going to hell.

    Ask the boys why the tube socks under their beds are always stiff and moist.

  • whitroth

    I’ve got a question: *surely* if a woman had stripped topless on Delta flight #16, we would have heard about it in the media (at least, say, the NYPost), and she would have been arrested on landing. Could he give us a link to that story?

    Or maybe he’s One With Pence, and are deathly afraid that if they are ALONE WITH A WOMAN, they won’t be able to Conquer Their Carnal Urges….

    • Nick Scroggs

      He was catching Boss on the TV screen. What an idiot (him).

  • Professor Fate

    To quote the Firesign Theater “Oh creepies Jughead” – from Don’t Crush that Dwarf Hand me the Pliers.
    I swear to god any god that nobody but nobody spends as much time thinking about teenage girls as these fundy creeps (Including Teenage boys who on occasion will leven the mass with music or video games).
    my brain needs a shower.

  • Professor Fate

    – additional thought – the man doesn’t like breasts? He’s either un-American or deeply closeted.

    To quote one William Blake:” The nakedness of woman is the work of God”
    or to put it in a cruder manner:
    “we like boobs a lot” – the Fugs

    • Hardly Ideal

      Wait, William Blake? As in “To see a world in a grain of sand, and a heaven in a wild flower?” Huh.

      (embarrassing disclosure: I don’t really know the guy. I just know that one verse from the trailer for Death Stranding)

      • Professor Fate

        yep same William Blake – the quote is from his work The Marriage of Heaven and Hell.
        some other quotes from that work –

        “Prisons are built with stones of Law, Brothels with bricks of Religion.
        The pride of the peacock is the glory of God.
        The lust of the goat is the bounty of God.
        The wrath of the lion is the wisdom of God.”

        And a bit about poets – “The reason Milton wrote in fetters when he wrote of Angels & God, and at liberty when of Devils & Hell, is because he was a true Poet and of the Devils party without knowing it.”

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Twin fawns, twin fawns flaunting Brio,
      Bouncing on the beach in Rio.
      What Focus on Familie,
      Could frame thy luscious symmetry?

    • LucindathePook

      Gotta like boobs a lot.

  • Hardly Ideal

    Another one of those stories with so much to unpack, I don’t really feel like I can comment at all. We’d have a mini essay on our hands.

  • John Resistant Tovarich Smith

    How many teeth does the Duck Dynasty girl have? And whose are they?

  • Nodrama4mama

    Oh good lord, I’d rather my daughter read Penthouse letters. At least she would learn some useful life skills there.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Dear Brio,

      I thought this would never happen to me, but a POTUS grabbed me by the pussy and….

      • cats530

        Dear Reader: It’s just god’s will and it’s your patriotic and Christian duty to allow it. You should feel blessed by this event. After all, the President is our illustrious leader. But if you are worried about it, try not to tempt him next time and please dress appropriately.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    I note there is no companion magazine to teach teenage boys to live a life of “purity.”

    There is no companion magazine for teenage boys yet but I expect to hear any minute of a new publication to fill that niche. It will have a title like Rugged Lads or Man and Boy and will feature articles on how to discipline small animals in a Biblical fashion and why the creepy old coach insists on showering with you. (It’s because he needs to be sure that you aren’t having impure thoughts inspired by soap on a rope.)

  • Jennifer R

    More proof that conservative christianity is the sole domain of Pedophiles.

  • Hardly Ideal

    Disregard my last comment, I gotta talk with Bob. Hear an atheist out, will ya Bob?

    I get it, you’re tied into knots over this whole sex thing. So am I. For the past week or so, I can’t stop thinking about it, and it’s kind of terrible. But I find the problem has to do with my own messed-up head, not a world that’s made out to be hopelessly sinful. I mean, I missed a crosswalk signal after I noticed a storefront mannequin modeling a rather ordinary bikini.

    I really am sympathetic. This whole male libido thing is like being handcuffed to an idiot 24/7. Hell, I’d be sympathetic if it turned out you were an actual pedophile or something; that’s a terrible affliction, and we don’t really have a way to treat it. But I’m not sympathetic to you taking out your problems on teenage girls who dare to show their knees. Imagine if I just started masturbating in the drug store, and as the police dragged me out I screamed “THE PICTURE ON THE BIKINI WAX KIT MADE ME DO IT!!!” You’d justifiably think I was insane!

    Seek help. I know, it’s hard to admit the problem is you, but it probably wouldn’t be a problem if it were easy.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      He thinks that wearing that goofy vest, putting on about 500 pounds above his blog picture weight and working for Brio hides the problem. It doesn’t.

      It doesn’t. It just makes it more obvious to anybody who isn’t in full Dobson denial mode.

  • Celtic_Gnome

    It should go without saying that, if I had teenaged daughters, I would never let them be alone anywhere with Bob DeMoss.

    It’s like Christians are able to decide who would make a perfect youth pastor by looks alone.

  • m3bosha

    OT (a little…) Ugh. I live a two minute drive away from FOTF. They are a huge tax free scam in this town. According to the assessor, this douchcanoe lives in a 700K house. A 700K house that he can afford because FOTF doesn’t have to pay taxes. I don’t begrudge people who live in nice homes, heck, we live in the same school district as this guy. But I guarantee that if FOTF had to pay the same taxes as every other business, they wouldn’t have a overpaid “youth culture specialist” on their payroll.

  • thixotropic jerk

    “No they’re not my breasts, they’re two twin gazelle fawns Solomonically cavorting on my chest why do you ask?”

  • SeeTrain65

    Bob, that never happened. Never. I don’t care whether you claim to “dig” that sort of thing or not, you’re a fucking liar.

  • boredcatlady

    I’m not all the way through this article, and I promise I’m gonna scroll up and finish, but when I got to the blonde and the boobs in his face I had to hop down here to say:

    THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL THAT REALLY HAPPENED

    Okay, back to reading.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      It’s a parable. Or a load-a-bull.

      • Gregory Brown

        I like your sense of meter.

  • boredcatlady

    She stripped off her top?
    Zomg what a liar, what is this penthouse forum? Was she 15?

    Ok, back to reading lol.

    Oh har har har you old perv. You got a boner on a plane from network tv and now you have to control a bunch of teenage girls.

    • YourMom

      I had to stop and re-read a few paragraphs. His writing is so mangled, he left that impression. What he’s actually saying is that he watched inflight entertainment and the gazelles were presented just inches from his eyes on that little screen. Lurid, lurid stuff!

      • boredcatlady

        Yep, I got that part (after I went back up to finish the story).

        Here’s what really happened (I’m guessing)

        He’s sitting in his seat, calmly reading Seventeen magazine with a red sharpie, circling all the pictures where the cleavage is too low or the hem is too short. He really, really cares about young girls, and he’s found that they really appreciate it when he points out the way their immodest clothing is doing terrorism to men. He often likes to stroll through the mall in the afternoons, doing research, he’ll discretely follow some young girls, seeing which clothes they try on, sometimes even following them into the lingerie section! He was really proud of himself one day, for doing God’s work, when he pulled that young girl aside and told her the devil lived in that little red bra she was looking at.

        But here in the airplane, the woman in the seat next to him was watching an episode of Pretty Little Liars, season 3 it looked like. He had to keep up on all the teen television shows to know what the young girls should avoid. As one of the young girls on the screen smiled and started kissing her boyfriend, the woman in the seat next to him noticed that he was leaning in to watch and became very uncomfortable. She mistook the water bottle in his front pocket for god knows what, and as he was explaining the situation to the air marshall, he realized that this experience could provide a real moral lesson for everyone, and vowed to write it down as soon as his wife posted bail.

  • PixieThis

    This article was so helpful. Mr. Pixie and I are going on a vacation soon and I was wondering what to wear on the plane. Now I know I can air the twin gazelles, by the grace of god.

  • And these are the people who go nuts over Muslim women wearing a headscarf. You know, like Mary mother of Jeebus and all those Bible ladies.

  • That guy’s face says professional creeper with a kiddie porn dungeon.

    • Gregory Brown

      You just made me create in my imagination creepy Uncle Chuckles. Thanks a heap, there!

  • Joshua Bushman

    Are we gonna talk about the fact that Sadie Robertson somehow manages to look both 16 and 46?

    • Gregory Brown

      Yeah, I think the older manifestation is that of an actress who has just passed over the hill, and is now going to be increasingly desperate for parts, and attention. That hint of fear at the edge of the eyes.

  • Roadstergal

    “daddy-approved prom dresses”

    I mean, BDSM can be fun, but I don’t know if it’s something that should be pushed on teenage girls?

    • Gregory Brown

      Evangelical homes, where men are men, and teenage daughters are nervous.

  • handyhippie65

    this perv should have to eat only tapioca, until he sees the error of his ways.

    • cats530

      From the looks of him he has consumed much tapioca (aka “fish eye” pudding)

      • Gregory Brown

        I happen to love tapioca, the small pearl kind. In tapioca pudding. Wonderful mouth feel and grandma flavored it up with vanilla. So delicious. I’m beginning to suspect that some people are uttering TAPIOCA LIBELZ!

        • Mehmeisterjr

          Is TAPIOCA LIBELZ the new CANNED CLAMS controversy?

  • Up In Smoke O’hontas

    Yeah, the Song of Solomon is totally a good place to kids to get sex advice…something about “touching the back door… bowels move for him…” I’m no theologian, but anal is the best way to prevent teen pregnancy and that’s just science, man.

  • this country says it’s about

    I left Colorado Springs (their headquarters) 6 years ago – I haven’t missed Fungus, er….I mean….Focus on the Family one lick. As a matter of fact I haven’t even thought of the name….. until now. Thanks Wonkette.

  • unclejeems

    Let’s see. DeMoss wants the girls to live fearlessly for an ancient, long-bearded, ill-tempered, sky-fairy, supernatural powers so awesome that he can create a world in six days, but can’t convince teenagers to cover themselves in public? Jeesh, we’d better be careful. The old guy has been known to work himself into temper tantrums, erase entire adult populations from the map with fire and brimstone, turn people to salt, and then have his wholesome followers bash infants’ heads against rocks just to make sure the miscreants don’t reproduce and cross him up again. Oh, and selling the daughters and wives of slaughtered populations into slavery and prostitution. So yeah, just the thing for the modern teen.

    • Keith Taylor

      That was the Old Testament. The New Testament merely counsels women to keep their mouths shut in church and ask their husbands later at home if there’s anything they don’t understand. And promises horrors galore for unbelievers on Judgement Day, in the Book of Revelation. Outside the charmed circle of those who will make it into the heavenly city, all unbelievers that is, are “dogs, and sorcerers, and whoremongers, and murderers, and idolaters, and whosoever loveth and maketh a lie.” (Revelation 22.16) Hmm. That last one seems applicable to one or two current political figures.

  • Alan

    I’m just puzzled how one’s reaction to nudity is to vomit.

    • cats530

      His reaction comes from looking at his own nudity. Its so repulsive, he’s conditioned to vomit at any nudity now.

    • SayItWithWookies

      It’s The LORD’s beautiful, infallible creation, in His own image — that should horrify and mortify you unless you’re married, and then that other one is the only body you look at without complete disgust.

  • Sure,yeah, right…… a blonde 30-something woman tore off her blouse in front of this bible humper? I think his computer is filled with multiple copies of Lolita and girls with whose fawns have not quite budded yet. YUCK!

  • cats530

    Hasn’t Mucus On The Family suffered several scandals? There was Josh Duggar. And some other Ted Haggard-like thing they tried to (unsuccessfully) suppress.

  • Jukesgrrl

    Jackass is so into pop culture but he doesn’t own a TV. He decided, on his own, however, that TV-MA would not feature anything offensive to his delicate sensibilities. Had he looked up TV-MA, though, he would have found it means, “This program may contain one or more of the following: intensely suggestive dialogue (D), strong coarse language (L), intense sexual situations (S), or intense violence (V). Mature Audience Only. This program is specifically designed to be viewed by adults and therefore may be unsuitable for children under 17.” So, yes, boobies. I wonder if he stuck around for the “intense violence.” But I suppose that wouldn’t have offended him. Just for the record, Boss was not a network television show. It was a production of the pay-channel Starz, shown 2011-12 and canceled thereafter. The Boss himself, Kelsey Grammer, blamed the failure on the fact that he is a Republican who endorsed Michele Bachmann for president (!) in librul Hollywood. Of course he fails to note that (1) the show was well-reviewed, (2) the role won him a Golden Globe that year for best actor in a TV drama, and (3) he got another job IMMEDIATELY thereafter. I wonder what nondiscrimination looks like if that’s discrimination.

  • Persistent Tennessee Rain

    Focus on your own damned family. Leave mine the fuck alone.

    • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

      Yes! Yes! Yes! I have said many times, “My family is none of your fucking business!”

  • Posonby Britt

    Bob DeMoss drops an F-bomb live on the Donahue show.
    https://youtu.be/GyYOSsSVkEY
    He was badder in the previous century….

  • mary5920

    Vesty Bob obviously passed the purity test as administered by Mr. James Dobson, who requires (according to a former employee who wrote a book about it) his guy employees to stay after hours chewing the fat about how great things are in their gawd fearing company, and ignore the needs of their own dang families.

    Instead, they focus on everyone else’s families and try to administer bible thumping diatribes about all that sinning.

  • Abby Normal

    I seriously doubt his story. One of the things everyone hates about in flight entertainment is that it’s edited and cleaned up.

    Like network TV.

  • Begin Anew Day

    “Ewwwwwwww” doesn’t do it justice.

    But it will have to do until Bob DeMoss goes on trial for whatever it is he is trying so hard to hard to cover up.

  • John Norris

    Can’t wait for the Brio special issue telling the girls how to fit in with their husband’s other wives and courtesans.

    • cats530

      I can’t wait for the article on Christian Domestic Discipline (S&M without safewords – yikes!)

  • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

    “…you’re looking at maybe 3 to 5 percent of the entire population of the United States,”

    Even IF it’s only 5% (which is BS) that equals almost 16 million Americans! If you think 16 million is an insignificant number that should be ignored your are one dumb motherfucker!

    • 🛶🗣️ Mr Canoehead 🛶🗣️

      Just a reminder that redheads are less than 2% of the population, to put things in perspective.

      • foreign agitator Captain Kraut

        Probably a good thing all considered, redheads are my personal kryptonite™.

  • Vagenda and Pee-ara

    I can’t wait for the inevitable “It’s Not Your Brother’s Fault that He Fingerbanged You, You Wonton, Disgraceful, Little Whore” article from one of the Duggars.

    • They would answer “boys will be boys” – the hypocrisy is palpable.

      • cats530

        Or…”The little harlot daughter of Eve lead the poor innocent lamb into temptation.”

  • Vagenda and Pee-ara

    “Let’s say I was a jaded, voyeuristic TV addict who, like a peeping tom, digs watching strangers grope and fondle their way to a climax…”

    Congratulations, Bob, you just described the entire Wonkette audience in one sentence! The only part you left out was pantsless, and gay refugee hugging.

    “Can reasonable adults at least agree there’s something seriously wrong about offering that sort of sordid fare on an airplane where children and discerning adults are present?”

    Yeah, those Disney films are getting awfully racy.

    • LadyLaz

      Seriously, HE chose the channel.

  • eastcoastlib

    The Robertson clan are gross hillbillies. Racist, sexist throwback villains of the ” To Kill a Mockingbird” variety. My daughter would sooner shove her face in the garbage disposal before taking advice from those Hicks

    • DL

      Nah, they’re not. They just play them on TV so they can get paychecks. They’re an upper class white family who pretend to be “good ol’ muricans” so long as the gravy train is still running. I seriously doubt they have any earnest convictions at all.

      • LadyLaz

        I donno. I’ve seen pics of them pre show and I’d agree, but some of their comments….

        • richardgrabman

          Aren’t their comments SOP for upper class white families?

  • Beverleywdenney

    Google is paying 97$ per hour! Work for few hours & have longer with friends and family! !su285c:
    On tuesday I got a great new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $8752 this last four weeks.. Its the most-financialy rewarding I’ve had.. Follow this link for more information
    !su285c:
    ➽➽
    ➽➽;➽➽ http://GoogleFinancialCashJobs575DirectShowGetPaid$97/Hour ★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫::::::!su285c:….,….

  • dingo

    ‘Hey, sex was God’s idea so why not follow the game plan that he laid out in the Bible?’
    So be like Lot’s daughters and screw your father?

    • LadyLaz

      Doh yes!!!!

  • LadyLaz

    Sure, let’s follow the Bible, where Lot offered his daughters for rape. And then they rode him to get preggers. And then you know David, Moses, and all their concubines. That is what I want for my daughter! To be part of the harem of a rich and powerful man… out of wedlock… to breed!

  • LadyLaz

    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=OFkeKKszXTw

    Betty Bowers, the world’s greatest Christian, explains biblical marriage ;)

  • John Thorstensen

    Just leaving this here, in case anyone is still reading this and for some reason hasn’t lost their lunch already:

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Purity_ball

  • Bob Beaty

    Thankfully we are one day closer to the Rapture…. Oh, and Bob’s are all about Live and let live. We eschew the DB bob fringe as that above. Amen.

    And randomly, hey Brio; ‘Bruno Mars worth a listen?’ Seriously? Idiots.

  • killerpizza

    “Gee, Bob. I am slightly worried that a teenage girl won’t want to take advice on “proper dress” from a 50-year-old guy in a vest. I can’t even get her to wear a raincoat!”
    .
    I bet bob has a raincoat.

  • phoenix00

    > Bruno Mars: Worth a Listen?

    Umm YES.

  • Maybe

    Re the Bible: Which part of it exactly are they using as their guide for sexual purity?

    I suspect they enjoy the stoning women part, but I also suspect that guys get a free pass. After all, if they slip it’s ’cause they were tempted by some wanton trollop, right?

  • Sid Pevear

    So tell us Bob, who is Funking You Up?

  • FLdispatches

    I’m having Evangelical WTF Flashbacks to my Brio-reading youth. Like acid flashbacks, only way weirder and more psychologically damaging, probably.

  • Bud Smith

    Why does she have the paint of a harlot on her face? Shouldn’t God’s gift of skin be enough? Inquiring minds want to know.

  • gingerwentworth

    Bob, you’ve got a kind of a pouting, seductive but frankly obsolete photo on your– is it twitter account? Why’d you choose that one, Bob??

  • Mark Breitinger

    I’d like the Special Edition with Duck Dynasty’s Sadie Robertson on faith, family, friends & fucking

Previous articleMick Mulvaney? He’s This Dick. Your Wonkagenda For Wed., May 3, 2017
Next articleTrump Will Reportedly Fuck The Gays For Jesus On Thursday