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On Monday, we were very worried for Wonkette BFF Sean Hannity, because he had said that if Fox News president Bill Shine was forced out, it would be the END OF FOX NEWS FOREVER. Wouldn’t that make everyone sad? Moreover, there were many rumors a-swirling that if Shine was kicked out the door, Hannity might run away crying, never to be seen on Fox News again. Wouldn’t that make everyone’s dumb right wing uncle sad?

And then Shine got YOU’RE FIRED! What would become of our dear sweet dumbass Sean Hannity? Would his entire body literally ‘splode in rage, rendering him unable to suck Donald Trump’s proverbial dick on the television each night? We waited for his meltdown on Twitter, but alas, it did not come.

Instead, he just tweeted this:

Aw fuck, Sean Hannity is NOT leaving? The tweet he quoted went to an article that said that, contrary to reports that Hannity’s contract has a “key man” clause that says he gets to leave if Roger Ailes leaves, he is NOT leaving, so stop asking him. He will stay at Fox and work for that lady Suzanne Scott who got promoted when Shine’s ass was shown the door, because PFFFFFFFFT.

Here’s what happened during his show Monday night. Surprise, it was Sean Hannity, so it was disappointing and brief:

On Monday night’s edition of “Hannity” on Fox News, Sean Hannity closed the show by issuing a “special thank you to all our friends in the media that were tuning in tonight, maybe for the first time.” He then added that “all the lies you’ve heard about me are not true” and signed off.

Oh shut up, you fucking dork.

Of course, Hannity has lately been railing about all the people who’ve been schemin’ against him, and doing “lies, attacks, slander defamation, and NOW sabotage” [sic] to him. So maybe that is really happening! Maybe there is a secret cabal of liberals working to destroy the careers of all the paste-eating fools who love Trump, and now that they’ve gotten Roger Ailes, Bill O’Reilly and Bill Shine, Hannity will be the next victim of their insidious agenda!

Or maybe the Murdochs are going to force him out.

We don’t know if there’s a secret liberal cabal working against him, or the Murdochs are going to tell him to go screw, but we hope he still loses his job, because GO THE FUCK AWAY, Sean Hannity, you stupid loser.

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  • onedollarjuana

    “all the lies you’ve heard about me are not true”

    This is true on the face of it. But is everything that I’ve heard about Hannity a lie?

  • Oneofthebobs

    “All the lies you’ve heard about me are not true”; Donald’s lies , on the other hand, are all true.

  • Chadwells
    • Oblios_Cap

      I wish I didn’t have to do meetings.

  • LarryHoudini

    Please Hannity: DO NOT QUIT! I need to see your stupid face the day Trump is impeached/resigns/gets 25th Amendmented.
    After that, do whatever the fuck you want.

    • Antonin Dvorak

      He would just pull a Nancy Grace and call in sick that week.

  • Cousin Itt de La Résistance

    Proverbs 1 “31 Therefore shall they eat of the fruit of their own way, and be filled with their own devices.”

    Donald Trump’s proverbial dick

  • arglebargle
  • vivian

    Gosh Lumpy, why the long face? No fun in the locker room these days?
    You are the survivor, even if you are snotty and not very bright!!! Good work!
    You win a box of ticks.

  • AnnieGetYerFun

    He might not be NEGOTIATING an exit, but that doesn’t mean he’s not leaving.

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    Can it really be called a “secret” liberal cabal when we are openly protesting on the streets?

  • stankbait

    Sean has Cheeto dust on his lips from smooching orange Trump rump!
    Plays the rusty trombone with him nightly!

  • Carpe Vagenda
  • Ricky Gay

    How can I miss you when you won’t go away? (RIP Dan Hicks)

    • Skeptical_thinker

      Hot Licks, yum!

  • marxalot

    Oh, shut up Sean, you crybaby.

  • ManchuCandidate

    Should I stay or should I go now?
    Should I stay or should I go now?
    If I go there will (most likely) be legal trouble (for me)… if stay my pay will be double (whatever I get elsewhere)…
    So I got to let US Amercia know… I will stay and just not go.

  • vivian

    So the lies aren’t true… Now who’d’ve guessed THAT?
    As for the other disgusting things we’ve heard about Sean, well they are true, but since they are not lies he’s not allowed to talk about them on Faux.

  • DerrickWildcat

    I’m so glad God intervened and demanded he stay.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Gawd has a perverse sense of humor.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson
  • Lascauxcaveman

    Oh of course Hannity isn’t going to quit. Where else would a putz like that be able to get a job?

    • BigBoppa ~ Résistent

      Well, there are still plenty of cabinet positions open.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Oh, I’m sure Tyson Farms will be happy to create an opening for chicken fucker.

    • La forza del resistino

      The Food Network, serving up recipes for paste eaters?

    • Vincent Ricola

      White house press secretary?

      • Antonin Dvorak

        No, O’Reilly gets first dibs.

  • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

    He then added that “all the lies you’ve heard about me are not true” and signed off.

    Stirring defense, sir. Clarence Darrow, you are not.

  • Indivisible Snark Tank

    OK, so the LIES aren’t true (and are, perforce, lies). But all the TRUE shit you’ve been hearing? That’s all true.

  • fawkedifiknow

    “all the lies you’ve heard about me are not true”

    As opposed to those lies that ARE true?

    • PubOption

      The statements in the ‘fake stories’ are probably true.

  • elviouslyqueer

    “All the lies you’ve heard about me are not true.”

    Translation: everything is totally true, and the door is about to swing shut on my ass so hard that I’ll probably be airborne halfway down 42nd Street.

    • msanthropesmr

      I’d pay to watch that.

  • jesterpunk

    Hannity should stay away from Roger Stone, he is always getting murdered then coming back to life. He may be a zombie that will be looking for brains, wait Hannity would be ok there.

  • snark-lurker

    “–all the lies…are not true.”? so some of the “lies” [are] true? or doz he mean to affirm that “lies” are not true by definition?(DUH!!!)

  • jesterpunk

    When does Hannity go all BillO?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XGMoetEUXDI

    • Shibusa

      Hannity supposedly pulled a gun on Juan Williams, right in the studio, in front of witnesses. What a douche.

  • Indivisible Snark Tank

    So, here are the lies I’ve heard:

    – Sean is a kind, warm, sensitive soul
    – Sean knows his ass from a hole in the ground
    – Sean would give his last dollar to make someone else’s life better
    – Sean loves blahs, teh gheys, and mooselimbs

  • memzilla Ω

    “According to Nielsen Holdings Plc, from Dec. 26 to March 26, his show averaged more than 2.8 million viewers —a 47 percent increase from the same period a year before. Viewers spent 18.4 million hours watching him in the first 15 weeks of 2017, up 41 percent, according to Pivotal Research Group LLC.

    “But at a time when the company badly needs someone to steady the organization, Hannity, with his mind-meld connection to the White House and his deep, abiding connection to the Fox News brand, is the alpha anchor right now. ‘Hannity’s experiencing a renaissance,’ says Brian Rosenwald, a media historian at the University of Pennsylvania. ‘It’s his network now.’”

    Popular Panderer Parrots President’s* Putin Propaganda!
    . https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/c76b3e9b184a80425fba8ed03c71b19765b41238c5c868c8ccf76c60db815955.jpg

    • Antonin Dvorak

      Middle-aged white conservative only reads what he wants to read, news at 11.

      • puredog

        Reads first couple of words, senses where it’s going, jumps to conclusion. The perfect reporter for this presidency.

    • msanthropesmr

      Ok, I think your service would be better cleaning out septic tanks.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Public service pays a lot less, Hannity.

  • msanthropesmr

    Srs qwestion. How did any of these chucklefucks get famous?

    • snark-lurker

      by preaching to the choir

      • AJ Milne

        D) all of the above.

    • Oblios_Cap

      By having no sense of decency nor shame.

    • C4TWOMAN

      Death of the Fairness Doctrine and deliberate conflation of entertainment with news.

    • Hobbes’ Evil Twin

      By never underestimating the stupidity of Americans.

    • Shibusa

      Hannity is Trump’s on-air towel boy.

  • To be honest, I haven’t heard any lies about you, Sean, but the fact that you think I care enough about you to listen to lies about you tells me that you’re a pompous prick that I still care nothing for.

  • Vincent Ricola

    I feel like we’re getting really close to a televised Applebees armed stand-off with a hostage taking Sean Hannity and local law enforcement.

    • Master Contrail Program

      Hope he gets some time at their famous salad bar first.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Who cares if he stays or goes? I never watch the damned network, anyway.

    • The Wanderer

      Fox is about as useless as an asshole with tastebuds.

  • memzilla Ω
    • snark-lurker

      WUT is wrong with her?

      • Antonin Dvorak

        I actually read that as the vase speaking.

        • msanthropesmr

          I heard the vase too.

        • snark-lurker

          why not? vases have thinks too

          • Toomush_Inferesistance

            It’s all ’bout that vase….

          • Daniel Mann

            Vaaazz

          • The Wanderer

            “Oh no, not again.”

    • Vincent Ricola

      Both of them stole MY look, I wore this exact same outfit to my office luncheon a few weeks ago.

    • Master Contrail Program
    • The Wanderer

      The FTD “Shut the Fuck Up” gift bouquet look.

    • Shibusa

      She looks like a Russian plant.
      ~Louise Mensch

  • msanthropesmr

    On CNN “Trump considering breaking up the big banks”. What the fuck does this even mean?

    • WotsAllThisThen

      That just means inviting all the bank executives over for a nice dinner where they can flatter him into the night. Then they all buy Trump condos.

    • jesterpunk

      He meant to say he is breaking up with the big banks. They wont loan him any money so he doesnt love them as much anymore.

    • Vincent Ricola

      I imagine he’d like to clear out some of the monopoly banking competition for his Russian oligarch friends. That money needs to be laundered somewhere and there’s no better way than breaking the big banks into a bunch of unregulated cockroaches.

    • An Outhouse for the Resistance

      It means as much as cutting the EPA budget, the ACA subsidies, and research at the National Institute of Health. Exactly nothing. Its just a string of words he heard recently.

  • WotsAllThisThen

    Great. Now I have to continue not watching him every evening at whenever. I’d cancel my cable service in protest if I had cable.

    • puredog

      Well don’t tell US about it. Oh, right, you didn’t.

  • Poly_Ester

    The real mystery — why didn’t Ailes fire him for not being a member of the Fox News boys Club?

  • Relativicus

    Working for a woman, Sean? How cuck of you.

  • jesterpunk
    • msanthropesmr

      I want people that don’t know anything to explain complex concepts to me.

      • vivian

        Boy, were you born at the right time or what?!

      • Toomush_Inferesistance

        I’m available anytime!…

      • Oblios_Cap

        Common sense, not elitist facts!

        • vivian

          He is definitely not a factist.

          • WotsAllThisThen

            The reign of truthocrats is over! All hail our alternative fact overlords!

      • jesterpunk

        Funny how they still go to Doctors when they have something wrong though. You would think they would go to the guy on the street yelling at clouds or something.

        • Cranky Man

          Many turn to the village shaman, you know, the essential oils lady, their Herbalife dealer, and of course, the holistic chiropractor.

      • WotsAllThisThen

        One of the many “let’s talk to Trump voters” articles quoted one as saying they like how Trump “makes things simple.”

        • Prof. T. Green Bastard

          So simple, a baby could do it.

          Reporter: What do you think Trump intends to do abt N Korea, 3 month old person?

          3 month old person: (unintelligible)

        • This is also the rationale given by many Western communists for continuing to adhere to Stalin after the rest of the planet knew him for a cynical murderer of millions. His pamphlets were easier to read and understand than Marx or Lenin, or that show-off intellectual Trotsky.

    • proudgrampa

      That Rachel? She One Smart Cookie.

    • C4TWOMAN

      To give them some due, they recognized they could make quicker money spewing right wing talking points than taking the time to actually learn about issues and educate people.

      The system rewards that kinda entrepreneurial spirt.
      /snark

    • CeeQ

      Oh no – we can’t have someone who knows things to explain stuff to us. That’s elitist liberal bullshit designed to stick it to the down trodden forgotten man. Give me ignorance or give me death!!

      • Contemplative Ron

        Sooner or later you end up with ignorance AND death. Not soon enough, though.

    • Lily412

      I forgot about Glenn Beck. Man, that is a sentence I feel very satisfied saying.

  • Manhattan123

    Why would anyone think this fuckwit was going to fall on his sword for anyone?

    • vivian

      He would miss.

      • AJ Milne

        Try and try again, guy.

  • vivian

    How did Costello get a news job anyhow?

  • C4TWOMAN

    Sean who?

  • The Wanderer

    Does Sean Hannity mean (gasp!) that he’s NOT a human being?

  • Master Contrail Program

    It’s appropriate that an ad for Poo-pourri acompanies an article on Hannity.

    • msanthropesmr

      I got an ad for drinking​vinegar.

      • Master Contrail Program

        Also appropriate. We’re days away from the analytics becoming self-aware it seems.

      • Prof. T. Green Bastard

        Well, you are looking @ an article abt a giant douche…

      • Celtic_Gnome

        I got a rock.

  • An Outhouse for the Resistance

    Now that they have no reason to suffer the horrors of the liberal coastal enclaves, Roger Ailes, Bill O’Reilly and Bill Shine will be moving to Kansas (or Montana??), right?

    • William

      Upstate actually. Big farm where they can be happy and run free.

      • Toomush_Inferesistance

        Will they look in on Fluffy for me?…he’s been there a long time now…..

        • CatCafe #ShePurrsisted

          There is a hilarious essay by David Sedaris where, as an adult, he musingly asked his sisters why they never visited the farm that Fluffy went to, and it wasn’t until that moment that he suddenly realized what had actually happened and was really sad.

  • William

    This will always be my favorite screenshot of the late and very great Alan Colmes. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/39c07568aefd822d3c032a8d8c704bf8915a1dff724a9c2c6d3e6bed7cd43f06.jpg

    • Marytblanding

      My last paycheck was $22500 for working 12 hours a week online.Start earning $97/hour by working online from your home for few hours each day with GOOGLE… Get regular payments on weekly basis… All you need is a computer, internet connection and a litte free time… Read more here
      !sl501c:
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  • rocktonsam

    needs a bigger merikkka pin

  • WeaselPoo

    “all the lies you’ve heard about me are not true” is classic Hannity .

  • TJ Barke

    What about all the lies we’ve heard from you, Lumpy?

    • DainBramage

      None of Lumpy’s lies were true either.

  • rick

    One can only hope that Murdoch boys take turns screwing Sean really well without the hugs and the kisses – or a reach-around.

  • Toomush_Inferesistance

    So, we’ll still have Sean to kick around? All righty then…

  • Cranky Man

    Cabal? Yes.
    Vast? Yes
    Secret?? As if.

  • God Emperor Emeritus

    Here’s to hoping this announcement falls in the same category as “the board has full confidence in the club’s manager”.

  • Marceline

    Come on Lumpy. Go into the light.

  • OrG

    I’m not disappointed. I want shmannity’s fall to be VERY public. No slinking away in the middle of the night,thankyouverymuch.

    • JustDon’tSayFlatEarth

      Exit interview on the air would be nice.

  • Me not sure

    “Fox News…Jerk free since…Sean, come to my office, we need to talk.”

  • puredog

    TL; DR.
    “NEWSFLASH: SEAN HANNITY NOT LEAVING FOX TODAY.”
    There, FIFY.

    • jesterpunk

      He could sneak out in the middle of the night and take the furniture and towels before they change the locks and evict him though.

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    “all the lies you’ve heard about me are not true

    That’s why they’re called lies, genius.

    • Heyzeus Ahchay

      I would have preferred that he’d said, “All the lies you’ve heard about me are lies.” What a schmuck.

  • goonemeritus

    Come on Sean let go of the rock, you will never know what heights you could reach once you get out from under Fox’s oppressive control.

  • Crystalclear12

    It’s not the secret liberal cabal. I know because I am the group leader and we haven’t even decided on refreshments yet.

    • Contemplative Ron

      It wouldn’t be a problem if Carl didn’t keep INSISTING on Crystal Light.

  • Thorn Spike

    Go towards the light, Sean.

  • We can’t miss you if you won’t go away, Sean.

    I’m amusing myself with the origin of the word “sabotage” and imagining Sean Hannity being pelted by wooden shoes.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Is Hannity just waiting for Ailes, Shine and O’Reilly to start up their rich white pussy grabber’s network, or is there one last intern he needs to corner in the broom closet before he’s ready to unstick himself from Fox’s sinking carcass?

    • Randy Riddle

      Negotiating the golden parachute, I imagine. Or the pee hookers.

  • Randy Riddle

    This is really disappointing. I was really hoping he would be replaced by another conservative douchbag with a history of sexual harassment by now.

    • Khavrinen

      Gee, I don’t see how. They’re SO rare we’d be searching and searching… for nanoseconds at least.

  • Wookie Monster

    Guess his promise to quit was as good as his promise to be waterboarded.

  • chascates

    I say waterboard him. He said it isn’t torture and we’d find out a lot of interesting things.

  • chascates
    • Shibusa

      That made me throw up in my mouth.

    • Lily412

      Thank goodness they’re giving a platform to the voiceless little people.

    • Contemplative Ron

      I see somebody’s trying to get in front of Ivanka in Donnie’s will.

      • TundraGrifter

        You’d have better luck getting a ham sandwich away from Gov. Chris Christie.

    • kaydenpat

      What drugs is Quday snorting up his nose? Only something stronger than cocaine or heroin could cause such derangement.

      • TundraGrifter

        DC’ver Spicer is taking a double dose of the same meds.

  • Kakkeltje

    Surprise, it was Sean Hannity, so it was disappointing and brief:
    Hey, that is what his wife said too…

  • Sean Hannity should take a right turn away from everything.

  • Shibusa

    Hannity’s assessment of Drumpf’s first 100 days:
    https://media.giphy.com/media/tBfd4wkzbV3H2/giphy.gif

    • Heyzeus Ahchay

      “Hey, doggie, you can’t Hannity on the lawn!”

  • honeywest

    Show us yer tits, Sean!

    • JustDon’tSayFlatEarth

      I prefer he show us his back.

      • TundraGrifter

        Like he did in New Hampshire when somebody threw a snowball at him.

        That’s probably when he started packing heat.

  • kaydenpat

    Since I don’t watch Fox News, Hannity is not someone in my orbit. Every time I hear about him, it becomes clearer why Fox News viewers are so dense.

    Remember that study which showed that Fox News viewers are less informed than those who watch no news at all?

    http://www.businessinsider.com/study-watching-fox-news-makes-you-less-informed-than-watching-no-news-at-all-2012-5

  • TundraGrifter

    Remember when Ross Perot warned America about “the giant sucking sound South of the Border.”

    That wasn’t our jobs going to Mexico. That was any one of InSannity’s infomercials with a “conservative.”

  • Run2Live

    On a side note, did Jesse Watters ever make it back from his sudden “vacation?”

  • TundraGrifter

    I pretty much called this a few days ago. InSannity talked tough before they told Mr. Shine to hit the bricks. After that – he wasn’t going to die on that hill.

    Or any other, actually.

  • Remember when we were making jokes about how Trump’s campaign was really a way to start his own news channel with Ailes and anyone he could leach of off Fox News. Who would have thought that was a better outcome than what actually happened?

  • miss_grundy

    Of course that schmuck wasn’t going to leave. Who else will pay him for that diarrhea that comes out of his mouth?

  • Celtic_Gnome

    Speaking of cock holsters…

  • Heyzeus Ahchay

    Hannity doesn’t have the nads to quit. He knows full well the national sponsors of hate (NRA, gold dealers, auto-equity lenders, and that ilk) are few and already taken by Limppaw and a few other asshats, so whatever bullshit “Hannity Network” he started would only get a sliver of whatever is left unspent out there. Hell, he spends $90 a day getting his nuts blow-dried by an illegal immigrant every morning and can’t afford the cut in pay. He’s rather suck Murdoch’s dick than come to work with wet balls in his trousers. Fuck you, Hannity.

  • phoenix00

    Yeah Evan, tell us how you REALLY feel!

  • TundraGrifter

    So Hannity throws a pizza meeting for his staff (I’m sure made a HUGE DEAL out of paying for it himself and it wasn’t on the company – then he just expensed it; cheap bastard) which never has any meetings to tell them to ignore what he said and Tweeted because he isn’t going anywhere.

    What would it take for somebody working for this buffoon to get the urge to email a few resumes, just to test the water? The sun coming up?

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