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Populism Yeah Yeah

Oh dear. Once again Donald Trump has come unstuck in time. In a Sirius XM radio interview with the Washington Examiner’s Salena Zito, the president of these benighted states explained that maybe his putative hero, Andrew Jackson, could have prevented the U.S. Civil War if only he’d been president a bit later instead of from from 1829 to 1837, because Andrew Jackson was simply such a swell guy. A swell guy who owned slaves and whose administration was no friend of abolitionism, believing that “Divine Providence” would eventually make the problem go away. You know, that Andrew Jackson. The Trail of Tears guy.

Here’s the relevant part of the interview, which ought to leave you, as Molly Ivins would say, whomperjawed:

As everyone’s been pointing out today, Andrew Jackson died in 1845, and the Civil War began in 1861, during the presidency of some guy Trump just learned was a Republican. This would have seriously impeded Andrew Jackson’s ability to have any emotions whatsoever with regard to the Civil War, or to say “There’s no reason for this.”

Now, just for the sake of calling your attention to a heck of a read, we do want to point out that in addition to not apparently knowing jack shit about the Civil War (let alone Shelby Foote), Trump also makes matters worse for himself by having no actual sense of time, or how to talk about time. As Katy Waldman notes, the man seems to live in an eternal now, where it remains an established fact that Mexico will pay for The Wall “eventually but at a later date,” but that’s definitely going to happen. Donald Trump believes things which happen a week after he’s wrong about something — like a small riot in Sweden after he bemoaned “what’s happening in Sweden,” or post-election intercepts of Mike Flynn’s calls to the Russian ambassador prove Barack Obama was wiretapping Trump Tower before the election — actually prove he was prematurely right.

Sure, maybe Andrew Jackson never said “There’s no reason for this” about the Civil War that commenced 24 years after his presidency, but this time, at least Trump specified he was talking about a hypothetical Jackson who served “a little later” and could then have stopped it. Hell, maybe the made-up anger at the war and the thing Jackson never said are also, automatically, obviously hypothetical, even though Trump states them as fact, because Andrew Jackson had a big heart — as we saw when Jackson generously moved Native Americans off their land in a deadly march to the west, which some survived, instead of shooting them all, wasn’t that nice of him?

And really, isn’t it true that people don’t ask any questions about the cause of the Civil War, especially why that couldn’t have been worked out? If people really asked questions about the cause of the Civil War, perhaps someone could explain those causes on the Internet sometime. (It was high taxes, of course.) And maybe if people asked such questions, they’d realize Alternate Andrew Jackson could have prevented the war, because he was a big-hearted slaveholding anti-abolitionist genocider of Native Americans.

You know who else has thoughts about Andrew Jackson? Trump lickspittle Dinesh D’Souza, who explained in his horribad movie last summer how Andrew Jackson was a racist genocide committer because he founded the Democratic Party, which hasn’t changed a bit between then and now. Dinesh D’Souza is quite sure Democrats all admire Jackson’s racism, but secretly, because they want to keep their own love of slavery under wraps. You have to wonder what Dinesh D’Souza would think of a president who loved Jackson so much that Jackson’s portrait hangs in the Oval Office.

In conclusion, we need to be as tough on North Korea as Andrew Jackson was. He’s getting recognized more and more for doing a terrific job, just like Donald Trump was in the future. So it will perhaps have gone, eventually but not yet.

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[WaPo / Edward-Isaac Dovere on Twitter / Buzzfeed / Slate]

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  • Msgr_MΩment

    To be fair, Donnie only knows Andy from his great work over the years on the $20 bill.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Really Donald, too cheap to use $100 bills for your coke straws?

      • Dr Skwerl B-bart MI-6 Expert

        To be fair, Putin does pinch his cheeks.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    “Thing would be much better in this country if Truman hadn’t narrowly defeated Thomas Jefferson back in 1984.”
    — Donald Trump

  • Bill D. Burger

    Oh gawwwwd’….I read that and I still find it hard to believe that dumb son of a bitch is the president.

  • Jon Sussex

    Don know much about gastronomy.

  • Dr Skwerl B-bart MI-6 Expert

    Any bets on when Harriet Tubman will disappear from the redesign of the $20?

    • Résistance Land Shark Ω

      Just tell Donnie Dumbass she invented the chicken nugget …

  • Ezio

    “The Civil War was truly a brutal moment in our nation’s history. When Captain America and Iron Man were at each other’s throats. Truly it was brother against brother.” ~Donald Trump

    • Latverian Diplomat

      “And it wasn’t about race, there were black people on both sides of that one. Black Widow for example.”
      — Donald Trump

      • Ezio

        “I am so glad Black Panther’s existence is finally being recognized. I salute him.” ~Donald Trump

      • Oblios_Cap

        She is Russian.

        • Latverian Diplomat

          That would be the joke.

      • Thaumaturgist

        This is America. It’s never about race.

    • wait! what?

      …and there was heartbreak; Bruce had broken up with Natalia before the war’s onset.

    • BearGHAZI

      So many big, beautiful downtown buildings destroyed. SAD!

  • Shibusa
  • Mpeg

    Damn.
    I knew Donnie was a 1%’er.. I just didn’t know he literally only can operate 1% of his brain’s capacity toward composure, logic, or basic grasp of one’s own country’s history.

  • Thomas McCabe

    Andrew Jackson was never as good after he went solo and left Tito and Jermaine and the other brothers.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Firing his agent, Martin van Buren, was a huge mistake.

    • Ezio

      “Andrew Jackson was part of the Jackson Five. How could he be racist?”

      • Latverian Diplomat

        Trail of Tears was a great album. One of my favorites.”
        — Donald Trump

        • Oblios_Cap

          Donnie’s working on the remake of that one.

  • Alan

    WTF? Every time I think he can’t say anything more blatantly stupid….

    • Mpeg

      And his stupidity keeps happening to us over and over. I wouldn’t mind so much if he just stupid’ed himself but no, we’ve all gotten dragged into it now~

  • Vincent Ricola

    “People don’t realize, you know, the Civil War, if you think about it, why?”

    We should probably just go back to communicating with hieroglyphics now.

    • SweetDeeKat

      I’m thinking puppet shadows.

      • Roni Raven, Just Microwavin’

        Finger puppets.

    • Doug Langley

      We already are.

    • Riley Whodat Venable

      Linear B.

    • Erala Contratista

      That’s when the rage fever broke for me and I started laughing. Sure feels good.
      Esp. because he hates being laughed at.
      At last, a political action that is good for you!

  • Ezio

    “Andrew Jackson was a great American and a patriot. He even helped the Yankees to victory by hitting three home runs in one game against the Dodgers in the Civil War in 1977.” ~Donald Trump

    • wait! what?

      When Andrew Jackson was in the olympics,
      Skating for the gold,
      He did two salchows and a triple lutz
      While wearing a blind fold.

  • Bill D. Burger

    Psssst…..Anyone told Lord Yam that Harriet Tubman will replace Andrew Jackson on the $20? HoooooBoy!
    Maybe he’ll have a coronary when he finds out. (with votes, of course.)

    http://www.businesspundit.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/04/Harriet-Tubman-will-be-featured-on-the-American-20-dollar-bill.jpg

    • DainBramage

      Cannot wait for ATMs to start spitting these out. The RWNJ freakout will be intense!

      • Serai 1

        We should all make sure to trade in our Andy 20s for Harriets. Let’s get those fucking things OUT of circulation in record time!

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      I would bet an Andrew Jackson that as soon as the R’s remember this, they’ll overturn it.

    • Doug Langley

      Place yer betz that Prima Donnie thinks she’s MLK’s wife.

  • fawkedifiknow

    People forget, but John Quincy Adams wiretapped Jackson’s carrier pigeons.

    • PubOption

      And, back then, there were pigeons big enough to carry passengers.

      • Good_Gawd_Yall

        You do have to wonder, given the breathtaking depth of his stupidity, whether Twitler thinks this is so. It’s almost worth signing up for Twitter to post it and find out.

      • Thaumaturgist

        Well, Jesus rode dinosaurs, so why not Americans riding carrier pigeons?

        • Erala Contratista

          I have the Jesus t-shirt!

      • Doug Langley

        Except when they overbooked passengers. Then it wasn’t pretty.

  • jesterpunk
    • Crystalclear12

      PhD level.

    • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

      Gifted and Talented Stupid.

      • jesterpunk

        Grifted and talented stupid.

        FTFY.

    • snark-lurker

      stupid on steeroids

  • Nockular cavity

    Trump’s going to start tweeting about Lincoln’s history of vampire-killing next, isn’t he?

    • Riley Whodat Venable

      And how George Washington used to make his own wooden teeth. That’s why he was called George “Carver” Washington.

      • Meccalopolis

        He invented the peanut

    • Serai 1

      Why aren’t more people on Twitter throwing weird rumors at him just to see if he’ll bite? I’d be having all kinds of fun with that, myself.

  • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

    So, what exactly were Jackson’s words about secession and civil wars?

    “Hemans gallows ought to be the fate of all such ambitious men who would involve their country in civil wars, and all the evils in its train that they might reign & ride on its whirlwinds & direct the Storm — The free people of these United States have spoken, and consigned these wicked demagogues to their proper doom.”

    Yeah, not exactly the “peacemaker” there…

    • Latverian Diplomat

      To be fair, John C. Calhoun brought out the worst in people.

  • Wild Cat

    It could be worse. At least we don’t have an honest, intelligent woman as President!

  • La forza del resistino

    Six months ago, Donald thought Andy was the 6th Jackson brother, but couldn’t sing.

  • Oblios_Cap

    At least Jackson only allied with pirates, not with Russian mobsters.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      He tried, but Nicholas i never replied to his Pony Express messages.

  • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

    I’m surprised Trump hasn’t requested a meeting with Andrew Jackson to get his opinion on the current Korean conflict. Seems important!

    • DainBramage

      As Andrew Jackson is dead, his part will be played by Dennis Rodman in tonight’s performance.

    • Jeffery Campbell

      Why, honey, they are waiting for Frederick Douglass.

  • Michael Smith

    Although Andrew Jackson was an American jingoist and advocate of white supremacy, he would probably have hated Donald Trump for being a member of the eastern moneyed elite.

    This was before the eastern moneyed elite found a way to woo poor and working-class Americans via their shared American jingoism and advocacy of white supremacy.

  • DainBramage

    So, did Trump actually go to school? Or did his daddy just send money so they’d give him a degree?

    • Latverian Diplomat

      In his social class, that’s what “got to school” means. Just ask W.

    • Carpe Vagenda

      According to Frontline, the straw that broke the camel’s back was when his daddy caught him with a switchblade he bought when he sneaked into Manhattan on the train (I’m still not sure which one was the bigger crime) and he was sent to a military academy (aka rich kid reform school).

    • At any school, just go out to the finer watering hole establishments on a School night…

      The people enjoying themselves the most are the Rich kids, with not a worry in the world about that exam tomorrow. Their job with Daddy’s company is secure, regardless of their test scores (or credit card bills). 😁

    • Roni Raven, Just Microwavin’

      Why not both?

  • Latverian Diplomat

    This just in: Trump criticizes Common Core Social Studies standards at “yooge rally”. Audience cheers.

  • Antonin Dvorak

    You know what this really means is he just found out there was a Civil War.

    • Mpeg

      Yet all he can talk about is the girl that “got away”~

      • Riley Whodat Venable

        Only because she could run in heels.

    • Ghenghis McCann

      But he thinks that means that the combatants were very polite to each other.

    • Meccalopolis

      Ayup

  • TheGrandWazoo2
    • Doug Langley

      Fun fact: one of my former students was a junior animator on a Fractured Fairy Tales.

  • Résistance Land Shark Ω

    Remember when we were all talking about how long it would take before history recognized how bad Dubya was? Now we’re wondering if they’ll be history in a couple of years?

    Good times … good times.

    • Jennifer R

      And in three or four election cycles we will think back to when the crazy right was only dull roar with the nazism.

      • Résistance Land Shark Ω

        “And remember that Bannon guy who was kidnapped in Moscow? Wonder what happened to him …”

  • Crystalclear12

    Shit
    Fuck
    Damn
    I can hear my Grandmother spinning in her grave from here.

    • Résistance Land Shark Ω

      Can we harness the energy from all this grave spinning?

  • memzilla Ω
    • SadDemInTex

      I want that shirt!!!!

      • Lynnrreel

        My last paycheck was $22500 for working 12 hours a week online.Start earning $97/hour by working online from your home for few hours each day with GOOGLE… Get regular payments on weekly basis… All you need is a computer, internet connection and a litte free time… Read more here
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  • Antonin Dvorak

    Mr. President, I have a Ms. Doris Kearns-Goodwin on line 1. Also, a Mr. David McCullough on line 2 and a Mr. Ken Burns on line 3.

    • Raan

      And a seventh grader who’s just finished taking American History on line four.

      • Riley Whodat Venable

        And Barron. He wants to tell you what he learned in Social Studies.

    • Jeffery Campbell

      But, first…please hold for HUMANITY.

      • LarryHoudini

        Sorry, it’s actually Sean Hannity. They talk every Monday morning.

  • memzilla Ω
    • javadavis

      Call VOICE about it. Pretty sure those builders either were illegal immigrants or were descended from them, and there was no DACA then.

  • schmannity

    If Trump were President in 1860, he’d be building Trump Tavern and Hotel in Richmond and having Jeff Davis over for some Trump Corn Dodgers.

    • SeeTrain65

      At least he wouldn’t be fucking up things in the here and now.

  • Ezio

    While we’re on the subject of slavery and getting history right, I feel now is a good time to post this: https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/e8ecbd82bf292f0b55fffd6304bdc9c09155d9f0284619f0e42f3eeaab5fb641.png

    • jesterpunk

      But Ben Carson said they where just immigrants, he ran off to find his luggage before anyone could ask him to clarify his dumbass comment though.

    • nightmoth

      But—but—they were taken and sold by other black people so that gives the white people who bought them a pass!
      —say my racist Carolina cousins

  • WotsAllThisThen

    This would have seriously impeded Andrew Jackson’s ability to have any emotions whatsoever with regard to the Civil War, or to say “There’s no reason for this.”

    Based on my extensive research of TV shows and movies, what he more likely said was, “Braaaaaaaiiiiiiins…” right there in the cemetery.

  • Crystalclear12

    Trump, dear, better to be thought an idiot than open your mouth and remove all doubt.

    • DainBramage

      He’s too ignorant to understand how ignorant he is.

      • Good_Gawd_Yall

        Walking, talking Dunning-Kruger.

        • Jamoche

          “Talking” is a stretch – even that falls under the D-K condition.

  • La forza del resistino

    Donald being a fanboy of Old Hickory has Melania saying, you don’t need to tell me about old wood.

    • Wee Mousie

      By now, surely the termites have eaten most of Trumps old wood.

  • When asked what he thought about the civil war, Andrew Jackson’s only reply was the sound of maggots digesting his corpse.
    https://media4.giphy.com/media/Pgy4Na8aRyBuE/giphy_s.gif

  • Jenny

    Sorry Donny, you’re not getting your face plastered on our money. Not in my lifetime anyways.

    • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

      Hopefully, never!

    • Wee Mousie

      Donny will appear on the one gazillion buck bill, which, of course, is only available in Toon Town.

      • Erala Contratista

        3$ bill

  • canes_pugnaces

    When you have a state like TN or WV which are 75% stupid they vote for an orange presidented who is 100% stupid.

    But they think he’s smart and because he plays 3D chess, while the dishonest media plays 2D chess. SAD! Sad because they are playing checkers and their Cheezit in Chiefit is just watching TV.

    • Raan

      Cheez-It libels!

    • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

      3D Chess?
      I wonder if he knows the proper counter-move for Queen to Queen’s Level 3?

    • Riley Whodat Venable

      Actually Trump is playing Chinese Checkers. But most of the marbles are lost.

    • Serai 1

      Twitler hasn’t got the brains to play 1-D chess, let alone 2 or 3.

  • Crystalclear12

    “We will be a great nation when we are ashamed of Andrew Jackson.”
    My mother

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    This just gets more embarrassing by the day. I’m sorry, world.

    • Shanzgood

      He sounds like a drunk 1st-grader.

      • Proud Liberal

        Spot on description!

      • Jeffery Campbell

        Please, I’ve know many more articulate 1st graders.

        Or, we say in these parts: 1st-grader LIBELZ!!!11!!!

        • Shanzgood

          Have you seen them drunk, though?

          • Jeffery Campbell

            You eat enough Play-Dough and/or paste and you get a little wobbly.

          • Shanzgood

            Dude, those brown bottles of rubber cement were the BEST!

          • cmd resistor

            Mimeograph sheets.

          • Shanzgood

            Ooh, yeah..!

          • AJ Milne

            I drank a lot in first grade, but only ‘cos it was so tough kicking my kindergarten coke habit.

    • La forza del resistino

      Donald got an exemption from history class. Bone spurs, you know.

      • Résistance Land Shark Ω

        Donald got an exemption from history class. Bone Brain spurs, you know.

        FTFY

        • Wee Mousie

          Stop! You’re both right.

          Donald got an exemption from history class. Bone spurs of the brain, don’t you know.

          • Jon Sussex

            Got an exemption from class. Period!

      • Serai 1

        I have no doubt at all that little Donnie’s doctor happily filled out a form with that excuse, but the condition isn’t funny. I’ve developed it, and it is, in fact, very painful. Every morning when I get up, I’m walking on sharp rocks for the first hour or so, and can only wear shoes with very thick, soft soles.

        • La forza del resistino

          sorry to trivialize your condition.

          • Serai 1

            ‘Sokay. I get it. But it’s a little tiring to hear people always treat it like it’s a joke.

      • Erala Contratista

        Can you get those inside your skull? Wow

    • Résistance Land Shark Ω

      I’m in London currently, and have to apologize on behalf of the US on a daily basis. That and Princess Charlotte took back my invitation to her 2nd birthday party because of Donnie Dumbass!

      • Ghenghis McCann

        Did she decide to invite Donna Rose instead?

        • Résistance Land Shark Ω

          Most likely … Charlotte wants to know where Donna Rose got that fab polka-dot coat …

    • Jenny

      I was watching Trevor Noah in a comedy special and he said, ” you Americans are insulated. You don’t realize that the rest of the world idolizes, but is also terrified of you.”

      That was when Obama was the boss. If we are shocked and scared, what is the rest of the world feeling? I don’t think we will be able to fix the damage this administration is causing.

      • Serai 1

        what is the rest of the world feeling?

        A lot of them have dropped the idolizing.

      • Lamashtar

        A Kenyan guy told me they used to watch the late night US satires because Kenyans felt connected to Obama. He said they are still watching now because Trump seems exactly like so many African strongmen.

    • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

      Just got back from Paris. Everyone we spoke politics with were sympathetic and anti-LePen; but, of course, they mostly worked in the hospitality industry and understood the consequences of being anti foreigner. (Unlike common drumpf supporters).

      • Lance Thrustwell

        You write English in complete sentences. I am somehow not surprised you associate with Frenchmen who are anti-LePen.

    • CeeQ

      I’m just at the end of my rope and wanting to slip it over my head because this fuckwit is just too fucking much.

  • Wild Cat

    Next thing you know, they’ll do a feel-good Broadway play about delightful Ol’ Hickory:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u72C31LHST4

  • calliecallie

    Is it too late to trade for Rmoney?

    • Ghenghis McCann

      You’d be lucky to trade him for the contents of a cat litter tray.

      • Jenny

        Cat Poop 2020!

        • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

          My cats’ poop is smarter than the dumbass in the White House.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      I never in a million years would have believed someone who told me “in just a few years, you would KILL to have Romney in the White House.” Nope. Would not have believed that.

      Life’s funny, ain’t it? Heeheehahahaho, hahaha.. {trails off in manic laughter}

  • LarryHoudini

    Other little known Jackson facts:
    • For reasons unknown, endlessly praised Russian Tsar Nicolas I
    • Hated the press
    • Took many vacations
    • Ultimately forced to resign after being indicted on RICO charges

    Hmm, not sure about that last one.

    • Phoenixdoglover

      Invented the $20 bill.

    • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

      Nicolas I:”He is best known as a political conservative whose reign was marked by geographical expansion, repression of dissent, economic stagnation, poor administrative policies, a corrupt bureaucracy, and frequent wars that culminated in Russia’s disastrous defeat in the Crimean War of 1853–56.” Wikipedia

      Hmmmm sounds familiar.

  • mailman27

    He’s doing to history what he’s already done to the English language.

    • Erala Contratista

      Making me read more history lately. It’s soothing, cheap and no hangovers!

  • Jennaratrix

    If only there was a group of people who studied the past and tried to
    figure out why things happen. Who maybe wrote books about history to ask
    and answer those types of questions. Who got advanced degrees in such
    matters, and taught others their history. We could call them historians
    or something. I’m just spitballing.

    • Ricky Gay

      Howard Zinn libel!!!

      • Jennaratrix

        Not to mention Jennaratrix libel, since I teach American history and history writing, and work for the US Army editing books about American history. I’m no Howard Zinn, but that’s kind of my point – YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE A WORLD-FAMOUS HISTORIAN TO KNOW WHY THE CIVIL WAR HAPPENED. AND TONS OF PEOPLE HAVE ASKED THAT QUESTION YOU FUCKING SAD EXCUSE FOR AN EDUCATED PERSON.

        Ahem. Sorry, Velveeta Mussolini brings out the all-caps in me.

        • Good_Gawd_Yall

          It’s okay. He brings out the all-caps in lots of people these days.

        • Serai 1

          The fact that ANYONE asks that question is pretty fucking stupid. It’s not as if the South was coy about the reasons, after all.

        • coozledad

          Someone needs to strap that facist to a chair and read The American Slave Coast to him in its brutal entirety, or better yet, chain his entire administration in a coffle and herd them from DC to Atlanta.

      • Paul

        “A People’s History of the United States” should be required reading in high school, if they had history classes.

    • Riley Whodat Venable

      If there was just shows on PBS that explained this stuff. Like Baseball, and Jazz, and Prohibition. You know. Stuff like that.

      • Jennaratrix

        As if Cheeto Benito watches PBS. Pffft.

    • Doug Langley

      If only there were a whole channel on cable TV devoted to history. Yeah, I know, pie in the sky.

  • elviouslyqueer

    And boom, my quota of “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME” just maxed the entire actual fuck out.

  • Come on, Donnie. If you’re going to go with the neo-Confederate rewrite of history, the preferred term is the ‘War of Northern Aggression.’

    • snark-lurker

      he thought the civil war was just a ugly divorce

      • Ghenghis McCann

        Then he’s a veteran.

    • jesterpunk
    • Beanz&Berryz

      Too many syllables for Trump

    • Riley Whodat Venable

      The Historic Unpleasantries Between the States.

    • grindstone

      The Recent Unpleasantries. (Why yes, I have an iced tea pitcher and an egg plate, why do you ask, honey?)

    • Erala Contratista

      “Woah of…….” Heard it myself, from a museum docent in VA.

  • Jenny

    I keep hoping, each day, that we’ve hit the bottom, and every day we keep falling lower and lower. The well of stupidity is infinite.

    • Jennifer R

      There is always more, and it is always worse.

    • Proud Liberal

      1,360 days to go….

    • Erala Contratista

      Like the opening of “High Anxiety​”. Only without music, or “music”

  • Ricky Gay

    I died and woke up here.

    • Phoenixdoglover

      Welcome to the Hotel California.

      • Ricky Gay

        I’m the bustle in your hedgerow

        • Yellerduck

          I’m alarmed now.

          • Ricky Gay

            Me too. I think Beelzebub has a devil put aside for meee

        • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

          I wondered where it went: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bustle

          • Ricky Gay

            Good times

    • Proud Liberal

      Welcome to hell. We were expecting you.

  • elviouslyqueer

    “People don’t ask that question, but why was there the Civil War?”

    I’ll take “What is slavery, you fucking imbecilic dumbass” for $200, $400, $600, $800, $1000, and the motherfucking Daily Double, Alex.

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      That was actually the dumbest remark of all. And in terms of negotiation, see Missouri Compromise, The, and Kansas-Nebraska Act, The.

      • Riley Whodat Venable

        Bleeding Kansas.

        • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

          Nothing like actually trying to force slavery on a territory that doesn’t want it.

  • Thaumaturgist

    Andrew Jackson was into freedom. He would have kept Americans free to hold slaves.

    • Riley Whodat Venable

      And free the Five Civilized Tribes from their land. Yet his only military defeat was to the Seminoles.

      • mt2099

        Florida State had a good team that year.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Tune in to tomorrow’s show where we will be discussing Hitler: madman or misunderstood. Thanks for listening.

    • ariel_gee_398

      “Hitler would have brought peace to the Middle East in 3 years, tops.”

  • georgiaburning

    In 1861, Andrew Jackson did all he could to prevent the Civil War, but being dead and buried he couldn’t get out to travel much.

  • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

    If you wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt (which I really don’t) or play Devils advocate, you could argue that he was trying to say that Jackson was upset before his death about the brewing conflict over slavery that eventually led to the Civil War.
    But who really knows? The man is so muddled in his thought and speech that he can’t even express a simple idea. Remember when the RWNJ’s criticized Obama for saying there were 53 states (he obviously knew the right answer but had mis spoken) and for mispronouncing “Navy Corpsman”? They seem to be cutting Trump a lot of slack.

    • Serai 1

      I’m usually one for being careful about what people mean, but with Twitler, it hardly matters, since he’s going to change his mind two seconds later.

      • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

        My point exactly? Who knows what he really means? I’m not even sure he knows. We all “think out loud” sometimes, but with Trump, there’s no thought involved.

        • Serai 1

          I don’t understand how some people can make it to old age acting like toddlers their entire lives.

          • Erala Contratista

            Staff.

        • cmd resistor

          Right, to him it’s probably all — well they were all back there in the 1800’s, so it’s all kind of the same thing.

    • Justme

      Well, Jackson was, in the time he lived, a fairly staunch unionist, who during the nullification crisis.

      It’s obvious impossible to know what Jackson would have thought about the Civil War (and, like someone else had mentioned, had an anachronistic Jackson been elected president in 1860, his views on slavery wouldn’t have bothered the South), but I can’t see him as a compromiser about it. The one thing about Jackson, for all his glory and all his horror, is that he was no compromiser. He would have wanted to lead an army into South Carolina to burn it down himself.

      • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

        The hot tempered merciless President vs the state “Too small to be a country and too big to be an insane asylum” would’ve made Shermans march look like a cakewalk.

  • Beanz&Berryz

    And yet still 40-something percent of people still support him. This isn’t going to get better any time soon. The west coast should secede, and not shoot cannons at any US military posts.

    • Serai 1

      No, fuck that. That’s exactly what Russia wants. We stay – at arm’s length.

      • Beanz&Berryz

        Ahh. The Big Bad Russia Bogeyman Bear. We remain part of a Christi-fascist state for fear of Russia. Fear is a wonderful foundation of national unity. There must be at least one better reason to hold these United States together than fear of our current international overlord. Just one?

        • Serai 1

          Oh, FOR FUCKS’ SAKE. If fear is YOUR boogeyman, that’s your own lookout.

          I’M ARGUING AGAINST FEAR.

          The argument that we should LEAVE is founded on fear. RUN AWAY THE BIG BAD BOOGEYMAN WILL EAT US ALL. Fuck that and fuck you if you think that’s the way to solve anything. Coward.

          • Beanz&Berryz

            Good try, but wrong. I reject oppression by an autocratic anti-democratic christo-plutocratic GOP minority. Accept that the GOP cheaters are gonna cheat. And. They have 20-something states that entirely support that agenda.

            There’s still not one reason on the table other than “wah, Russia” that these current Red States of America deserve to continue with all of us. Not a single one, except “no, you’re the scaredy cat.” That’s not a strong justification for national unity, in my book.

          • Serai 1

            Fine, so be a coward and run away. I’m STAYING, doofus. There’s no way that orange ASSHOLE is going to make us leave. Why don’t you go hector the people in YOUR state to scarper off like a bunch of terrified mice?

          • Beanz&Berryz

            LOL. OK. Thank you for modeling brave political action with brave political discussion courageousness. Grrrr. Now I understand. Bravely voting in a rigged electoral system is courageous and brave. Like carrying a gun. Grrr.

            But I’ll try to help you with less brave words. The reason to keep all these United States together is that together they/we are big enough to (a) be the arsenal/sentinel of democracy, as a bulwark against other large anti-democratic countries like the Russia Bogeyman (the current political teet to which our President and his party are attached)and (b) as a model of democratic idealism. Ok, actually, being the world’s cop under (a) the U.S. does reasonably well at, when not terribly misdirected into silly/criminal adventures like Iraq and, maybe, North Korea. As a model of democratic idealism in (b), we just need to overlook the fiercely antidemocratic electoral operations of Republicans in 20-something states, and racist anti-immigrant policies, but maybe the faint memory of American democratic exceptionalism at some point in our past is worthwhile in itself.

            Also, umm, coastal liberals will turn the tide against the reactionary nonsense of the current Republican cabal once voters in those 20-something states realize that their RINOs are actually the reasonable ones who can save their political souls and that the Tea Partiers and Trupettes are actually frightening fascists. And that can all happen in time for the 2018 election because the people allowed to vote in those 20-something states will realize that not getting the policies they are actually screaming for is actually good for them. OK, maybe the 2020 election, for sure, because by then all vestiges of liberal democratic governmental policy will have been wiped from Federal law books and we’ll have actual Freedom, as envisioned by the Red States. Then, after an election cycle or two of so much Freedom, a couple of those Red States might flip to Blue. Then we can get back on track toward policies that have worked here and in most other industrial liberal democracies for the past 70-80 years or so.

            And for the dismantling of a reasonable 20th century national safety net, we’ll be back to the fresh working space of a 19th dystopia, and maybe something fewer than 20 states that want to keep that going forever. But at least along the way we’ll still have 18 Army divisions (including reserves), 10 super carriers, and various other cool military assets, so we can still be the most stalwart bastion against anti-democratic forces, even if we’re maybe a bit anti-democratic ourselves at that point. But at least Russia will be askeered of us, if it’s not any further deeply embedded in the panties of Trump and the rest of the Republican Party.

            Or maybe I’m missing your point.. Because I’m a coward and stupid. Grrrr.

          • Ms.MLG on Maui

            For some people on here, the point is name calling and being extraordinarily unpleasant, because that’s all they have to offer. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, and if someone can’t respond in an adult manner, they’re the “doofus” and “coward”.

    • Ms.Moon

      He is stupid, he doesn’t realize he’s stupid and the people who follow him are also stupid and you cannot convince me otherwise.

  • Ghenghis McCann

    And people laughed at “Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?”. Poor misunderstood Dubya.

    • Jennaratrix

      I never would have believed that that statement wouldn’t remain in the Top Ten Stupid Things Presidents Have Ever Said, and yet…

      • TJ Barke

        Donnie’s already taken all ten spots. How’s that for a success for his first hundred days?

    • Serai 1

      Yeah, grammatical faux pas don’t seem so bad now, do they?

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Clearly, Andrew Jackson would say about North Korea that “There’s no reason for this,” and that it “could be worked out.” Can this alternative fact get transmitted to Trump’s brain, maybe via Twitter or Fox “News”?

  • Lance Thrustwell

    You know, that ‘eternal now’ thing with Trump – I hadn’t really put my finger on it. But I think that’s exactly right, and it’s part of his personality disorder. Like all other objective realities, time is just one more thing that enters the Trump Vortex and emerges as garbled hash.

    It’s part of his appeal to some people I suppose – when you’re around Trump, the ordinary laws of space, time and reason seem to be on vacation at Mar-a-Lago*

    * Perhaps we can call Mar-a-Lago the “Retardis”.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      That may explain his complete failure to grasp the concept of cause and effect.

      • Lance Thrustwell

        And his ridiculous self-confidence about everything: his development and hotel/casino deals were already successes in his mind before he even signed the final paperwork.

        • Serai 1

          Much like those fucking idiots who put on Fyre Festival. “Hey, I already HAD the idea. It ain’t my fault if it failed to materialize exactly how I pictured it!”

    • Doug Langley

      Bigger ignorance on the inside than the outside.

    • cmd resistor

      So I heard on the radio today that the “season” is over in Palm Beach now so all the people who have homes elsewhere will be leaving. So they don’t expect Trump back before the end of the year. Not sure if we Floridians should be so lucky.

  • Riley Whodat Venable

    It is said that Jackson killed more people than any other president. Not ordered their deaths, and not ordered them to their deaths. Killed them. Personally. Himself.

    I do like the way he handled the Nullification Crisis. Even if he was a racist alcoholic genocidal slave owning murdering sociopath.
    Funny how Jackson and Trump’s voter demographics overlap.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Later, trump asked if he could ride on the Underground Railroad.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      In the locomotive. Where he can yank on the cord and make it go “Choo” Choo!”

  • snigsy

    Donald Trump has come unstuck in time? I wish I could add a “so it goes.”

    • Lance Thrustwell

      I think we may all need a touch of that Vonneguttian melancholy stoicism before long.

      • Riley Whodat Venable

        No f’in cat, no f’in cradle.

    • Bigby

      The sooner the fucker gets transported to Tralfamadore to live out his life as a curiosity in a zoo, the better.

  • Bill D. Burger

    3rd Grade: (I realize I’m being generous here.)

    Teacher: “Little Donny have you finished your paper on Andrew Jackson?”
    Lil’ Donny Trump: “Yes. I worked very, very hard.”
    Teacher: “Read it for us, please.”

    ” [Jackson] was a swashbuckler. But when his wife died, did you know he visited her grave every day? I visited her grave actually, because I was in Tennessee.

    And it was amazing. The people of Tennessee are amazing people. They love Andrew Jackson. They love Andrew Jackson in Tennessee.

    I mean, had Andrew Jackson been a little later, you wouldn’t have had the Civil War. He was a very tough person, but he had a big heart. And he was really angry that — he saw what was happening with regard to the Civil War. He said, “There’s no reason for this.” People don’t realize, you know, the Civil War — if you think about it, why? People don’t ask that question, but why was there the Civil War? Why could that one not have been worked out?”
    The End

    (*Exact quotes, just removed the interviewer questions.
    I still recoil at considering that ignorant, blustering, idiotic fool is the president.)

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      Maybe some Wonkette teachers could weigh in, but I wouldn’t give a third grader a good grade for that report.

      • Bill D. Burger

        I’m only surprised Lord Littledigits didn’t mention that he and his good friends Lucky Pavrotti, Fred Douglas and Suzie Anthony often discuss these historical matters.

    • Doug Langley
      • TJ Barke

        Calvin libel?

        • cmd resistor

          Calvin had better hair.

    • Persistent Tennessee Rain

      He really does always sound as if he’s fudging his way through an oral report on a book he didn’t read.

    • Meccalopolis

      Teacher: may I borrow this donnie? My colleagues wind I will laugh at it later in the lounge

  • TJ Barke

    If he gets dementia, how will we know?

  • RadFacJack Tenhet

    No concept of time means no genuine perspective on events and how they realistically relate to each other. This is a very important thing to know and to keep in our heads.

    He cannot learn because learning takes perspective. He cannot change because he cannot learn. He is in every sense of the word oblivious to anything that doesn’t serve him in the moment .

    Why is this important? It reveals a great deal about his true nature. He is incapable of empathy or even it’s poor relation, sympathy as both emerge from an understanding of cause and effect to others. He clearly does not understand the relationship between cause and effect.

    • Serai 1

      In all of this, he is exactly like the people who voted for him.

      • RadFacJack Tenhet

        Exactly! Judge him by the company he keeps. Relatives who still support him have always been this way and we’re all better off just facing that reality.

    • Lamashtar

      His handlers are claiming that they don’t present multiple choices to him now. They give him a single option, and tell him how it will end up.

  • Yr. Gma

    I have this vision of Donnie roaming the halls of the White House at night (in his shit stained boxers and his fluffy pink bathrobe) gazing at the portraits of the former presidents and wondering who the fuck are all these guys anyway?

    • TundraGrifter

      He might dimly remember seeing Old Hickory’s face on a $20 bill.

  • Roni Raven, Just Microwavin’

    According to my calculations the Civil War started 16 years after Jackson died, not 24.

    That changes nothing, of course.

    • Werewolf

      16 after his death, 24 after his presidency.

  • TJ Barke

    The national facepalm meme stockpile will be exhausted by July at this rate.

    • mancityRed6

      that’s how he’s gonna bring back jobs!

  • RadFacJack Tenhet
    • mancityRed6

      that zero just needs to be painted on, or engraved.

      • TundraGrifter

        Cast in stone.

        • RadFacJack Tenhet

          A tombstone of votes.

    • JustDon’tSayFlatEarth

      Good thing I scrolled down; I was about to post this. Way to stay on top of it, Jack!

      • RadFacJack Tenhet

        These days, I just keep that one handy.

        • JustDon’tSayFlatEarth

          I’m about to use it again on CBS reporter post.

        • JustDon’tSayFlatEarth

          Aha! So you’re Jack Handy?

          • Fidel Jack Tenhet

            I wish! I rarely, if ever, have any “Deep Thoughts”.

  • nightmoth
  • RadFacJack Tenhet

    And another thing! I have been to Tennessee. I have close family who still live in Tennessee. I’m one of those ignorant southerns. I have never heard anyone from TN say anything good or bad about Andrew Jackson.

    Now Elvis? Everyone has an opinion on.

    • TundraGrifter

      Some years we were in Memphis and people talk like Elvis is still alive.

      • RadFacJack Tenhet

        And he’s not even really from there. He was born in Mississippi.

      • Riley Whodat Venable

        He is. I saw him in a UFO with Bigfoot in Tupelo, Mississippi. I had been drinking, smoking weed, and had eaten several mushrooms; but it was him.

      • chortlingdingo

        Elvis isn’t dead. He just went home.

        • TundraGrifter

          Actually, that’s pretty much the attitude we observed. While he was living at Graceland I don’t think he got out much into the community. It’s like he’s still here (which he is, of course, just now he’s buried in the back yard).

  • TundraGrifter

    Not many people know Andrew Jackson renounced his American citizenship and became a citizen of Spain because he wanted to purchase Spanish land that was up for grabs and you had to be a Spanish citizen to obtain it.

    When it came time to run for President of the US of A, that little detail was ignored. Mr. Jackson shot and killed and man who accused him of marrying a woman already married to somebody else (which was true, but it isn’t clear that Mr. Jackson knew it) so that might have been the reason it wasn’t brought up.

    • RadFacJack Tenhet

      I thought it was that guy from the musical ‘Hamilton’ who shot Raymond Burr. That’s why Raymond Burr had to be in a wheelchair and change his name to Ironsides.

      • TundraGrifter

        I thought Andrew was the sixth Jackson. Kinda like that dude famous for being the fifth Beatle.

        • RadFacJack Tenhet

          Or was Andrew a founding member of Peaches and Herb? We never ask about Andrew Jackson.

  • RadFacJack Tenhet

    “Can’t we all just get along.”– Andrew Jackson at the Battle of the Bulge on the deck of the Potemkin with his identical twin brother Randy Jackson whose great and on the television a lot and getting more and more credit everyday.

    • Doug Langley

      “Randy! Can you explain this nasty tweet that has China in an uproar?”

      “Oh. That must have been my evil twin brother. Yes, that’s the ticket.”

    • (((fka_donnie_d)))

      Whos the dude in your avatar anywho?

      • Fidel Jack Tenhet

        Marvel comics character called “Mr. Sinister”.

        • (((fka_donnie_d)))

          O that’s him? I remember him looking different

          • Fidel Jack Tenhet

            He’s had a few different looks. In the early 2000’s, he had long hair for a while. He even had a full van dyke at one point. Now he’s dressed in black and red colors instead of he more traditional blue and red.

            I have always loved the character though.

  • TundraGrifter

    “I never buckled a swash in my life.”
    ~ Andrew Jackson

  • TundraGrifter

    I very much doubt Mr. Trump knows the difference between John C. and Algonquin J. Calhoun.

  • Lefty Frizzell

    They may love him in Tennessee but I hear he’s none too popular in the Nations.

  • Professor Fate

    Jackson of course wouldn’t have hesitated to launch his missiles against Korea. Even without chocolate cake.
    One beings to wonder what’s the over under on when the msm finally uses the word ‘insane’ to describe Trump? After the impeachment trail when it’s safe to do so or never?

  • middleclassman1

    Trump and Jackson have a lot in common, Obama tapped Jackson’s phones also.

  • dshwa

    WTF is that word salad even?

    Jackson would have been president of the CSA. Which I’m thinking would not have stopped the war from happening.

  • Swampay

    Too bad we didn’t have a skilled negotiator who understands the various points of view and works to bring about a consensus. Like we do…OH PUHLeeze, I can’t even pretend, not even for the joke. Q: How could the civil war have possibly been worse? A: Donald Trump.

  • AJ Milne

    I have such fond, trippy memories of flower power Andrew Jackson singing, wistfully, prophetically, “Imagine there’s no estate tax” in Tiananmen Square during the summer of 69. (Also when I got my first six string.)

    • Ingridz

      Didn’t he also write the lyrics for the I’d Like To Teach The World To Sing, for Don Draper’s commercial?

    • unionthuggery

      Did you get it at the five and dime?

      • AJ Milne

        It’s always amused me a bit that in the summer of ’69, Bryan Adams woulda been about ten…

        Sure, sure, song. It’s like fiction; you allow for people inhabiting and portraying characters… And I actually _respect_ guys like Waits who can sing about someone who _isn’t_ themselves, and show some range, play a circus freak, a barfly, sing about a smalltown girl with Hollywood dreams…

        Still, Adams being a rock guitar guy singing about being an _aspiring_ rock guitar guy, and considering the problematic timeline, I can’t help but imagine that ‘me and some guys from school’ were, in fact, an ambitious grade five band, with, oddly, an enthusiastic following on the local bar circuit…

        It’s a bit more disturbing picturing Jody getting married, in this scenario, sure.

  • Me not sure

    Whaddadunce.

  • Electric Ukulele Land

    I see today’s episode of the continuing series “Nuestro Presidente Idiota” is one of those historical ones. While they’re sometimes informative, the overall structure of these outings is one that is so firmly adhered to that it becomes a bit rote — yes, yes, we get it, the president is profoundly ignorant about our nation’s history and tends to wildly misinterpret past events, relating them back to us as would a school child who was only half paying attention on the field trip. But until the writer’s find something else to do with this sub-genre, its “Family Circus” like factual malapropisms have frankly worn too thin to be particularly engaging — something the writers themselves seem to acknowledge by propping it up with the “B” plot regarding extending an invitation to the White House to the murderous President of the Philippines — which is itself another sort of staple “go to” of the series. At this point, I’m only hate watching this show. But it’s getting to “Walking Dead” levels of repetitiveness.

    • boyblue122

      Duerte said he couldnt come to the WH because he had to go to Russia instead

      • Electric Ukulele Land

        What a twist!

      • Contemplative Ron

        Finally, we have the name of one of Donnie’s controls!

    • Perkniticky

      I dread to think what the cliffhanger to the first season will be. Missiles winging their way to North Korea might be too predictable… maybe Trump could go on a state visit and then they could hold him ransom.

    • OddMan

      Well said, Rotten Tomatoes has this show at only 42% .

      Splat.
      ~hopefully

  • HogeyeGrex

    Trump’s internal monologue?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rjxNI4aj-eg

  • SayItWithWookies

    Sure, Andrew Jackson founded the Democratic Party – but we all know that if he’d had his druthers he would’ve founded the Republican Party instead. It’s just that Lincoln happened to do it first, right after he joined General Motors.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      Lincoln may have joined GM, but he was shot at Ford’s Theater by Lee Iacocca

  • boyblue122

    DJT on the Civil War – “Yeah that was an amazing time in US history” “I was rooting for Captain America the whole way through the movie”

    • Conversation I actually had with a supposed history major:
      Them: The civil war was about more than slavery, it was about states rights!
      Me: To own slaves.
      Them: It was about federal intervention into private lives!
      Me: Private lives that owned slaves.
      Them: There was also the railroad….
      Me: The one that shipped the slaves?
      Them: Fucking anthro majors.

      • boyblue122

        haha…they really must teach some alternate version of history in the south

        • dork was from Rhode Island. He was trying to be all intellektualz I think.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        it was about states rights! It was about federal intervention into private lives

        As long as you ignore the Fugitive Slave Act, which was the largest federal incursion into state’s rights and private lives in the history of our country up to that point- a law that the south wholeheartedly supported

  • Alexander Stallwitz

    Trump is engaging in wishful thinking at best and historical revisionism at worse. But i am game and always love a good What If scenario. Lets indulge Trumpy for a moment. Jackson might have prevented the civil war simply because he would have let slavery spread. The CSA wouldnt have been formed becuasd the US would have enshiered the right to slavery in all the states. Jackson would have ignored the Antislavery moment and spread it to all the newly claimed terrorties. The spread of slavery in the new states was a root cause of the Civil War.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      I think it was actually blocking the spread of slavery to the new states and territories that set off the Rebs. They saw the eventual congressional writing on the wall.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        that was the whole point of the Missouri Compromise

    • LucindathePook

      You say that like it was a bad thing.

  • laughingnome

    Andrew Jackson wouldn’t stop the Civil War because of the prime directive.

    • Contemplative Ron

      Fixed point in time.

  • Longstreet63

    Maybe he was thinking of Zachary Taylor? Not that it would be any better. Or Frank Buchanon? Everybody loved his decisive leadership.

  • they killed his wife and he was a swash buckler?
    What?

    • Greyhame

      One assumes this is all the result of Wormtongue Bannon constantly whispering into the Shitegibbon’s ear that he’s the modern reincarnation of Andrew Jackson. It wouldn’t be surprising, considering his mental condition, for him to invent a lot of ridiculous shit about what he considers to be an earlier version of himself.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      His wife got slandered pretty nastily during the campaign (assertions that she married AJ before getting divorced from her previous hubby.) She died the month after the election, which AJ blamed on the campaign.

      • richardgrabman

        Uh… there weren’t any Republicans back in Jackson’s day.

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          Shhh… don’t tell the wingnuts.

  • shivaskeeper

    My take is this: it’s been well established that DJT is all about seeming. He seems to be a poor man’s version of what a rich man is. He seems to be a classless person’s version of what a classy person is. He seems to be a tough guy, a hard negotiator, and a great businessman.

    Why not seem to be an idiot’s version of the educated? “Not a lot of people know this” “No one asks this but me”, “No one thinks deep thoughts like I do”, “No one knew how hard this was going to be”, ad infinum.

    This is all part and parcel of his seeming.

    • shivaskeeper

      Reply to myself. This is not to say he is clueless about anything historic or is so intellectually bankrupt that he’s willing to learn anything. He is and he won’t.

      • boyblue122

        DJT is the prime example of the Dunning-Kruger effect.

        Thinks hes smarter than everyone at everything even though he has the knowledge of a toddler.

        • shivaskeeper

          Yep.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      It’s all about appearances- look like you’re doing something good. Appear to be accomplishing things. Act like you know what you’re talking about. It’s grifting 101

      • I did note the affirmation from the “interviewer because WE not journalism for real” with the whole “That’s right, you did go to Tennessee! Good boy for remembering the right state!”

        • Meccalopolis

          My ASD kids get a “good job!” for that and a high five. Donny should get impeached

      • shivaskeeper

        As well.

    • Ingridz

      I think you’re right. I had a conversation with the handyman of the apartment building I live in. I was shocked to learn that he’s a huge Trump supporter, he’s from Puerto Rico, has a bunch of missing teeth, no education but I think he considers him and Trump to be kindred spirits because they are both’ entrepreneurs’. Also, they are both delusional. Trump really is the poor man’s version of a rich man.

    • Meccalopolis

      His seamying

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      An idiot’s idea of a person who’s not an idiot.
      Which is, natch, idiotic.

  • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

    This is why we can’t have nice things.

    • At this point we can’t have ANY things.

  • WeaselPoo

    Some Jackson quotes for…
    Multiple deferment and Russia- colluding Trump:
    Every good citizen makes his country’s honor his own, and cherishes it not only as precious but as sacred. He is willing to risk his life in its defense and is conscious that he gains protection while he gives it.

    Grifting narcissus Trump:

    It is to be regretted that the rich and powerful too often bend the acts of government to their own selfish purposes.

    Ignorant, lying Trump

    Any man worth his salt will stick up for what he believes right, but it takes a slightly better man to acknowledge instantly and without reservation that he is in error.

    • Meccalopolis

      Maybe someone can challenge t rump to a duel

      • Contemplative Ron

        On it. Nukes at 6871 miles?
        – Kim Jong-Un

  • anon_the_great

    Lord Dampnut grows more incoherent with each interview. At this rate he’ll be reduced to grunts, gurgles and how back in the days how he nailed that slut, what’s her name, in GBGB’s, no later than September. By then, no one will bother to notice, what with a radioactive cloud drifting east from Hawaii

    • cmd resistor

      He did another one this weekend with I think CBS where he brings up the OBama/wiretap thing again in his usual stupid way. Pretty much says when he found out about it it ruined that nice chemistry had and Obama had.

  • chascates

    Premature Antifactist.

  • Portia McGonagal

    But did President Orange Menace say what his good friend Frederick Douglass thinks (present tense) about this? Surely they’ve spoken.

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    Maybe Donnie can appoint Frederick Douglass as ambassador to the DPRK

  • Courser_Resistance

    Jesus Fucking Christ on a Cracker, I can’t believe the President of the U.S.A. knows even less about history than I do.

    Look, I know lot of things and stuff, but history is my Kryptonite. I mean, I know SOME history – I’m not an idiot or stupid, but it was never a main course of study for me. I was always way more into the natural sciences and stuff like that.

    All that said, even I know most of this stuff!

    • OddMan

      I think he has some kind of brain issue. All kidding aside, he had to learn basic history even in a rich man’s school. He seems to have forgotten a whole lot of his education.
      He treats every new “fact” he learns as if it is new to the entire world and he has to show off his mental prowess in knowing that “fact”, even if it is totally wrong and warped.
      The man is demented and the entire GOP run government seem to have the same damn brain disease.

      • He is 70, after all. Maybe senility is setting in?

        • OddMan

          Hell yes he is senile and more, I’m an old and if I ever get to thinking like Our Dear Lord Dampnut™, I told my sweetheart to stake me out the backyard and throw food occasionally.

  • aureolaborealis

    I’m trying to find that sweet spot in the serious/not serious – literal/not literal plane where this doesn’t make me want to open a vein … mine or someone else’s.

  • Rachel Book Harlot

    Very presidential.

  • Oblios_Cap
  • William

    The very same idiot who doesn’t even know how many articles to the Constitution.https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/dee92eb0712d26c1325682f1f41404126f25f127c0be1060cf7519e1ed8f7984.jpg

    • javadavis

      No way, he is making the Pepe sign.

  • William
  • kittygrrl

    Maybe that Russian hooker pee was radioactive with all that Uranium HRC sold them, and Rump’s grey matter has simply melted into a gooey icky sticky mess of Alzheimers swiss cheese. That’s why everything he utters is completely batshit crazy BS.

  • TundraGrifter

    The first attempt to assassinate a President of the United States was when a man whipped out a pistol and took a shot at Mr. Jackson. It misfired and President Jackson raised his walking stick and charged. The would-be killer produced a second firearm and tried again. That was also a misfire. President Jackson, then in his late 60’s, had to be pulled away from attacking the man who tried to kill him. One of the spectators who subdued the criminal was Davy Crockett.

    • doktorzoom

      Another was Paul Harvey, who later told us all about it.

      And now you know….

      The REST of the story. Good Day!

    • The firearms were later examined to see why they misfired. No reason for the misfires could be found. My guess is that the bullets were too scared of what Jackson would have done to them.

    • Querolous

      BillO was there.

  • BrendaKay

    Love the title, but as Hasan Minhaj reminded us all recently, Trump is always sober. Always. sober.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Jeeezus, this fuckwit is putting out a CAMPAIGN AD touting his fantastically successful first 100 days (you know – that arbitrary standard that “somebody” created):
    https://www.nytimes.com/2017/05/01/us/politics/trump-ad-100-days.html
    “America has rarely seen such success,” the narrator says… we have a fucking con man as President, working his fucking con from the fucking White House. I need a drink or three.

    • HooverVilles

      Sigh!

    • unionthuggery

      Sometimes I feel like there aren’t enough drinks available to do the job.

  • mardam422

    “…but this time, at least Trump specified he was talking about a hypothetical Jackson who served “a little later” and could then have stopped it.”
    He’s right. And if Jesus had been born earlier, he would have known where the Promised Land was, and the map-deprived Chosen People wouldn’t have wandered the desert for 40yrs. And if Einstein…he was really smart. Some say he was a genius. A lot of people don’t know that. If he was later, then he would have said “Why can’t this be worked out?” about time travel and we’d all have time machines now. And don’t get me started about Plato!!1

    • Querolous

      Hair Twitler would have invested in hemlock futures

  • SadDemInTex
  • boyblue122

    Donnie must get some of his Civil War history from this guy

    https://twitter.com/asymmetricinfo/status/859083678672187392

    • ltmcdies

      Whuuttt????

  • honeywest

    If Eleanor Roosevelt could fly…

    • John Resistant Tovarich Smith

      She would have gone with Mitchell’s bombers over Tokyo?

  • chiefkurtz

    Seriously, this man is a dimwit, but I wonder, I just wonder if he’s mixing up Andrew Jackson with Andrew Johnson. Seriously, it’s too late to admit it without looking even dumber, but I honestly think he’s got them mixed up, like he had Frederick Douglass and Morgan Freeman mixed up.

  • Dolmance

    My snark glands seem to be turning rapidly inactive. Is there some sort of hormone I could take?

    I think it’s a viral form of anhedonia. I think if something isn’t done, my face is going to turn immobile and crack.

    Make it stop. Please.

  • Bitter Scribe

    Man, what IS it with these people and their obsessive need to prevent giving Lincoln credit for anything? Remember Michele “The Founding Fathers Worked Tirelessly to End Slavery” Bachmann? That’s even stupider than saying the Democrats are the racist party because of what happened 150 years ago.

    • norcalOG

      Nor can we forget Prof. Palin’s remembrance of Paul Revere ridin’ out to warn the Brits to get outta Dodge, or Abilene, or somewhere they shudnta bin.

  • norcalOG

    Atty Gen Sessions, again battling rumors of advanced dementia, says he has no doubts about the President’s educational background. “He’s a West Point man. He’s proficient in history, mathematics, the sciences, and Latin and Greek. Don’t forget, he led our victory over Mexican hordes at the Battle of Buena Vista. You’ll have to go a long way to find a better man than President Jefferson Davis.”

    • richardgrabman

      Uh, the battle of Angostura (to use the Mexican name for that battle) was a draw. Zachary Taylor’s advance was stopped (and he never got any further in his drive on Mexico City) … Santa Anna, unfortunately, was trying to follow the Russian strategy of isolating invaders beyond their supply lines, nt considering it would tie up his (undermotivated) army, just as Winfield Scott was preparing an overland invasion from Veracruz.

      • norcalOG

        Well, my friend, just try tellin that to Jefferson Beauregard Sessions!

      • Gregory Brown

        Well, at least my state, Illinois, can claim the glory of owning Santa Ana’s prosthetic leg, captured as a trophy of war by a regiment of Illinois volunteers who surprised the general at his lunch, and prompted him to skedaddle sans leg. The national guard still keeps it, and refuses occasional requests from Mexico to return it.

        • richardgrabman

          True, but that was the Battle of Cerro Gordo … much later in the “Unjust Invasion of the North Americans” (as it’s sometimes styled here). Santa Anna had a whole collection of wooden legs for all occasions (he had a lovely ivory leg for formal occasions, now in the Museo Banamex). Prothetics weren’t well advanced in his day, and given the nature of his amputation (it left some nerve endings exposed), it was damned painful, and he’d have to change off his leg a couple of times a day.

          • Gregory Brown

            Yes, that is my understanding of the case. I suppose they tended to be uncomfortable and he’d take one off when he could. That was a weird war. Lincoln opposed it, as a member of Congress, but voted for funding it, essentially under protest, because he couldn’t stop it and didn’t want to leave the troops in the lurch.

  • gratuitous

    All that blather about Jackson’s wife dying, does anyone else get a little “uh oh” feeling for Melania?

    • javadavis

      Nope

    • I’m thinking he’s right around his usual trade-in date for wives, so … maybe.

      • Gregory Brown

        Her expiration (cough, cough) date passed some years back.

  • ltmcdies

    Andrew Jackson? Manifest Destiny guy too… from future Canada, Fuck you Jackson

    As for Trump…continues to be a daily embarrassment.

  • ken_kukec

    “Donald Trump has come unstuck in time.”

    Let’s hope he winds up on display in a cage on Tralfamadore (sans Montana Wildhack).

    • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

      May we substitute Sarah Palin?

    • Gregory Brown

      Montana Wildhack would either kill him (with votes!) or pull her own head off to avoid being touched by him.

  • Contemplative Ron

    Did you know there was a ‘civil war’ fought in the United States? Not many people know this.
    – Donnie, amateur historian, professional idiot

    • Well, there was a documentary about, but it wasn’t on Fox, so he missed it.

  • SpudRaider

    I guess Trump has been sitting in on Professor Sessions civil rights history lectures

  • Poly_Ester

    Based on his comments, “not many people know Lincoln was a Republic” “I’ve been hearing great things about Frederick Douglas” etc., I suspect that donnie subscribes the the elementary school version of “great men make history.” He does this because he believes that he is a great man.

    • Gregory Brown

      You’re hitting the nail square upon the head. He would like to believe that, he needs to believe that, but deep down, he doubts. That’s why he continually craves praise and affirmation, and goes nuts when criticized or even questioned.

  • Panika MCD
    • Jackson also used a show of force to get South Carolina to back down in the Nullification Crisis of 1833.

      • Gregory Brown

        Things had gone way past that point by 1860. Lincoln said he would save the country WITH slavery if that’s what it took, but the South was spoiling for a fight by that time. Of course, the so-called “fire eaters” were Trumplike in their confidence of success, sure that the North would back down, and, as one said, the blood from the squabble could be sopped up with a silk handkerchief. Then people like my great-great grandfather signed up to go kick rebel ass, in his case, with cannon fire.

  • Uh, I say, I say, it was the war between the stares, sirrah! There weren’t nothin’ civil about it! Yankee.

  • Buzz1313

    “People don’t ask that question. Why was there a Civil War?” He’s dumber than a box of fucking rocks! That’s one of the most asked questions in American History. The answer, of course, being states rights- bahahahaha! Kidding!

    • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

      Well, it WAS about states’ rights. The right to own slaves.

      • HooverVilles

        Yes. Yes it was.

        • Gregory Brown

          The historian Bruce Catton noted that all issues save slavery could have been compromised, but slavery was the one where compromise had become impossible. It is instructive to read the official justifications of Southern states for seceding, and they all mention slavery as a cause they would fight for.

          • HooverVilles

            Exactly. Jon Stewart had a great expose of those states’ official justifications for secession from the union.

  • wavicles

    I feel funny

    • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

      Let me touch you.

      Hahahaha!

      Oh my! You do feel funny.

      • Gregory Brown

        That made me feel funny.

  • norcalOG

    If Trump actually resembled Jackson fiscally, he’d be hated by bankers and Wall Streeters, necessitating a number of new cabinet members. There’d be no bragging about being the king of debt.
    Nor would there be any pandering to those seeking government money with religious connections, with little or no thought ever given to appointing simpletons like DeVos.
    Jackson, in fact, WAS born poor and really disliked those born into wealth and power, fed hroughout their lives with silver spoons. In other words, a Trumper he was not, since those screaming loudest for his impeachment in his battle with renewing a National Bank would likely have been good friends of an 1832 Donald.

    • Jackson also won the popular vote THREE TIMES. He lost his first attempt at the Presidency in 1928, when due to several candidates running, the election went into the House of Representatives.

      • norcalOG

        Thus his festering dislike of Henry Clay. According to some stories, the near death Jackson said one of his great regrets was not shooting Clay (and another not hanging John C. Calhoun). Unlike Trump, Jackson both talked and walked.

        • Gregory Brown

          It was a time when men of honor shot the shit out of each other in duels. When Lincoln was in the Illinois Lege, he was challenged to a duel by someone he had wounded with his wit. He accepted, and as the challengee, set the terms: broadswords at so many paces apart. His challenger was a short man, with short arms, and according to Lincoln’s terms, he could not touch Lincoln while Lincoln could carve him up at his leisure. The challenge was withdrawn.

  • TakingAmes

    I don’t even know what to say. Is it Giant Block of Cheese Day yet?

    • Gregory Brown

      You know, after the party got out of hand, and cheese was getting tracked all over the White House carpeting, they tried to shoo the crowd, but nothing worked until they carried buckets of whiskey out and set them in the yard, and the crowd followed. After which, they locked the doors.

  • Greyhame

    Seriously though, is this mental illness, dementia, or just incredible stupidity?

  • Vienna Woods
  • Jerry Noneofyourbizz
  • javadavis

    Anyone else reminded of that Jon Lovitz character, the pathological liar? “Ramble, ramble, oh, Andrew Jackson, what a guy! Ramble ramble, I was saved by chickens, that’s it.”

    • Gregory Brown

      That’s the ticket!

  • richardgrabman

    William McKinley would have stopped the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor. Or maybe Chester A. Arthur.

    • pianoplayer1

      I vote for Robespierre or Rasputin.

    • Gregory Brown

      William Henry Harrison was all over it, but he was taken out by ISIS. True fact.

  • JurisGal

    Where are John Connor and that good version of the bad Terminator when you need them? Think of all the stuff they could stop!

    Wonkette, you guys never let me down. I heard these stories during the work day but waited to read your take.

  • TootsStansbury

    I think the idiot got all excited and mixed up Stonewall (because wall of course) and genocidal Jacksons; just too addled to continue, had to go uh peel his grape.

  • Scooby

    Did he just call Andrew Jackson gay?

  • C4TWOMAN

    Welp, I’m sure Jackson is hanging with Fredrick Douglas and Lincoln as we speak, all doing tremendous work….

    • pianoplayer1

      Why do I think Jackson ended up in a much, um, WARMER place than Lincoln and Douglass?

      • C4TWOMAN

        Something something smallpox blankets something genocide…

    • Gregory Brown

      Psst. It’s Douglass.

  • empf

    Now I know where Jeff Lord, Trump asskisser, got his Democrats are the racist argument–DeSouza. I’m no genius, nor history buff, but I thought a lot of Civil Rights folks defected to Democrats around the time of Barry Goldwater, and that Nixon used race hate to fuel his campaign…that was long after good ol’ Andrew Jackson. At least, I think I read that on the internet.

    • pianoplayer1

      I have always lived in Alabama. Former Dixiecrats (thank you, Strom Thurmond), became Republicans after the passage of the Civil Rights Act. A lot of Alabamans hate them some civil rights. At least civil rights for dark people.

    • Gregory Brown

      “The trouble with quotes on the internet is that it’s so hard to verify their authenticity.” — Thomas Jefferson

    • norcalOG

      Goldwater won Georgia, Alabama, Mississippi, and Louisiana. He got 87% of the vote in Mississippi. Republicans often sail happily past that time. The name “Strohm Thurmond” is also almost unknown

  • pianoplayer1

    Before this, I thought Trump was ignorant. Now, I know he is stupid. Eric got his brains from Dad.

    • Gregory Brown

      He’s both. It’s like the old Doublemint commercials: “He’s two … two … two dolts in one!”

  • chascates
  • unionthuggery

    You know, most Tennesseans barely know who Andrew Jackson is. The ones that live close enough to Nashville have probably taken a field trip to his home at some point, but the rest… no clue. Up in East Tennessee people are more likely to know Andrew Johnson. And nobody really remembers Polk unless they are a They Might Be Giants fan.

  • (((fka_donnie_d)))

    And, for additional shits and (maybe) giggles, let’s translate this for a second

    I am fundamentally incapable of dealing with modern politics, so instead I will write fanfiction in my head where my surrogate totally solves a historical problem which (because I am also completely ignorant of history) he wasn’t even alive for.

    • Gregory Brown

      I think we need to call in Frederick Douglass to straighten him out.

      • (((fka_donnie_d)))

        electro seance ftw

  • Scooby

    This is a dumber plot than “Abe Lincoln, Vampire Hunter”.

    • Gregory Brown

      Now hold on there. “Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter” actually worked. I own and have read the 20 or so books on Lincoln in my own personal library, along with others in other libraries, so I had to check it out. As I expected, it was completely over the top, but they played it absolutely straight, which I think sold the movie. There was no wink wink, nudge nudge, no condescension toward our Lincoln. The Lincoln of the movie inhabits an alternate reality (hmmm) where a large portion of the Confederate Army is composed of vampires, among assorted other vampires. Abe is like a martial arts whiz with edged weapons, exploiting their utility in removing the heads of vampires, and looking for ways to stop the vampire rebs. It took itself completely seriously as a vampire movie with a demi-super hero who happened to be a president named Lincoln. That said, you are absolutely correct. This is a dumber plot than “Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter.”

      • Scooby

        You just gave a more cogent and thought out analysis of that movie than Trump does on policy matters.

        • Chris

          That is sadly true.

  • phoenix00

    Herbert Hoover totally showed Adolf Hitler who’s boss, and George Washington told the Russkies to “tear down this wall”…..

  • Snopes Shop

    I just can’t anymore

  • Teto85

    As we were returning to Washington, D.C., from vacation in the Orion Nebula, the Obamas, their dogs, and I, the TARDIS holding tanks were accidentally purged when Bo tried to catch my companion’s cat and somehow pushed a button. Tachyons and gravitons were released over the White House and landed on the pussy grabber as Bo tried to grab a pussy, causing president Fubar to become even more confused. Thanks, Obamas. ;-)

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