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Last Tuesday, Sonny Perdue heeded the call of the Almighty and got sworn in as Trump’s Secretary of Agriculture. It’s only a shame God didn’t help old Sonny finish his homework on time, so we could have had the benefits of his wise counsel sooner! It takes a couple months to throw a giant blue tarp blind trust over several million dollars of Ag stocks, though. And the Georgia governor has already faced one or twelve ethics violations, so he was being careful. But now the guy best known for leading a prayer vigil to cure Georgia’s drought will share his gift for creative problem-solving with the whole nation. The Lord works in mysterious ways, y’all!

And PTL, because Sonny Boy is ready to hit the ground running! First up, he’ll show mean, old Michelle Obama what’s what by ditching those tyrannical school lunch laws she forced Congress to pass.

The Evil Queen disguised her Let’s Move! plan as a fight against childhood obesity. But patriots who DO YOUR RESEARCH!!! knew it was a Totalitarian plot to conscript American youth into a Soviet regimen of calisthenics and borscht.

Dance, Comrades!! (Official White House Photo by Chuck Kennedy)

The school lunch program began in 1945 as an effort to feed poor kids, aka SOCIALISM. Under Saint Reagan, it achieved holy perfection as a dumping ground for surplus agricultural commodities and captive market for processed food conglomerates.

With lower subsidies, the lunch ladies needed cheaper calories, and they turned to the increasingly efficient processed-food industry to find them. School cafeterias also began to rely more on revenue from so-called competitive foods — snacks and lunches that are not regulated by federal guidelines and “compete” with the regular school lunch on cafeteria à la carte lines. Some districts even struck deals with McDonald’s, Chick-fil-A and other fast-food chains to sell versions of their commercial products directly to school kitchens.

Those were the good old days! Tyson, Hormel, Schwan and ConAgra supplied American kids with all the pizza, fries and nuggets they could eat. So what if 1 in 3 American kids was obese! At least they were happy! Until Michelle Obama ruined everything with the Healthy Hunger-Free Kids Act. Using her superhuman strength and ninja reflexes, the First Lady forced Congress to feed kids vegetables, and limit the fat, salt and sugar in school lunches. Sure, it looked like a bipartisan Act of Congress. But NBC knew who to blame!

The National School Lunch Program provides nutritionally balanced reduced-cost or free lunches to children. Former First Lady Michelle Obama imposed strict nutritional standards on the program as part of her campaign against obesity.

Not content with armtwisting Congress to pass laws, FLOTUS personally visited every school cafeteria in the country to ensure the food was gross and inedible.

Once she even put maggots in some poor kid’s lunch!


Well, that last one was probably a bit too far, Mrs. O.

In fact, kids did get a little less fat after the Health Hunger-Free Kids Act was enacted. But conservatives were sure she deserved none of the credit. As the National Review put it,

Childhood obesity has declined, but that’s no thanks to the first lady’s initiative.

Has First Lady Michelle Obama’s Let’s Move campaign actually reduced childhood obesity rates? That’s a $4.5 billion question whose answer appears to be “No.”

Thank goodness Sonny Perdue is here to save us from these cursed vegetables! Friday he announced a new USDA rule “to provide flexibility for school meals.” Time to bring back those crinkle-cut potassium spears!

No one is sure what Perdue actually means by “flexibility.” Probably pepperoni pizza and a lunchtime prayer vigil to cure diabetes. But he dished up a full plate of the life-sustaining hate that feeds the vampire pundits of wingnutistan. So at least someone’s getting fed!

[NYTimes / USDA Press Release / NBC / WaPo]

Please throw a dollar in the kitty so we can make our famous marshmallow fluff-potato chip sammiches! #ThanksMichelleObama

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