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Looks like he’s doing that thing again

Dear North Korea,

We know you’re probably all kinds of freaked out about that Reuters interview Thursday where Donald Trump, who really is the president of the United States, improbable though that seems, said that your nuclear program could lead to a war any minute now. Specifically, he said, “There is a chance that we could end up having a major, major conflict with North Korea. Absolutely,” which is one of those things that is 1) something everyone on both sides knows is a possibility and 2) Nobody says out loud because putting that on your Vision Board makes it come “true.”

Here’s the thing you guys over there in the Hermit Kingdom have to remember: Our president is crazy stupid, and says all sorts of crazy bullshit out loud that normal U.S. presidents have been careful not to, because he barely has any idea how rational, normally socialized human beings behave and talk. You guys, of all people, should know what that’s like. Your own Dipshit Great Leader, after all, tosses around threats to turn South Korea (and sometimes Japan) into a “sea of fire” about as often as our guy says “big league” (though it sounds like “bigly”). Lil’ Kim has used that “sea of fire” line again and again, in response to South Korean military exercises in 2011, to mark the North’s own live-fire exercises in 2013, in response to propaganda leaflets in 2015, and after the U.S. planned to send a missile-defense system to the South in 2016. So honestly, it’s not like you guys haven’t had plenty of experience with a freakishly insecure leader who looks to the military power of the state and the adulation of the people to reassure him that he’s a really popular leader and says any goddamn thing that comes to mind. Hell, you’ve got a lot more experience with that style of paranoid, hair-trigger tempered head of state than we do. We’re still getting used to the petty little shit. Ours, not yours.

We say this not as criticism, but in a spirit of international friendship and understanding, of course. All we’re getting at is that when this particular president of the USA opens his mouth, it’s often a torrent of angry, petulant bullshit that comes out, and then the adults in the administration explain to him why that was inadvisable, Trump says something slightly less insane, and then he either gives up on whatever his latest dickery was or embraces someone else’s idea or achievement and says that’s what he had in mind all along. Sure, you have to be ready for him to come back a month later and say the original crazy thing all over again, because if one of his lies gets applause, he’s really reluctant to let go of it. It takes some getting used to.

In any case, please notice that in the same interview where he said we might get into a major, major conflict with you guys, he also said he wants to address the issue of North Korea’s nuclear program through negotiations, in his own uniquely clumsy way, saying “We’d love to solve things diplomatically but it’s very difficult.” Also, because he’s a complete idiot, even while he was talking war stuff, he took time during his interview to say South Korea had better pay us for that missile defense system that spooked you and China, and that he wants to negotiate a tougher trade agreement with South Korea. Look on the bright side: Trump only said we might get into a war with you guys in North Korea, but he’s actively telling our allies in South Korea they need to pay up, or else! (Also, South Korea? Please see everything we just said about Trump saying crazy bullshit then backing down, ‘kay?)

This morning, Secretary of State Rex Tillerson, who we are fairly sure Trump from time to time is reminded exists, also said he wanted the U.S. and North Korea to have direct, face-to-face talks about denuclearization (yours, not ours, duh. We’re a goddamned superpower, you know), at least if the schedule doesn’t interfere with his naps. Also, sorry he keeps calling your capital “Pongyang.” You can probably point that out when he drops by.

So please, North Korea, try to remember that when Donald Trump says crazy bullshit, he may really believe it, but in a day or so he’s likely to be saying some completely opposite crazy bullshit that he also sincerely believes. It takes some getting used to, and definitely isn’t easy on anyone’s digestion. We sincerely believe that if we all keep cool heads, our two nations can join together in looking at our leaders, shaking our heads, and saying together, “That crazy motherfucker’s at it again. Just ignore him, it’s how he is.”

But try not to freak out over Trump’s latest line about seeing major major conflict anytime soon. Everybody knows you can only see Major Major when he’s left for the day.

Hugs-n-kisses,

The United States of America

Yr Wonkette is supported by reader contributions, and we really, really mean that, bigly. Please click the “Donate” linky to throw us some money. Also, we would not say no to a Nobel Peace Prize nomination for this important column’s contribution to international understanding.

[Reuters / NPR]

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  • chascates

    Oh God, when two lunatics with shitty haircuts go at each other!

  • laughingnome

    Sea of Fire was Johnny Cash’s worst song.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Respectfully disagree. A Boy Named Mxyzptlk is the hands-down winner.

      • therblig

        remember when he sang it backwards and delayed his tour by 90 days?

  • William
  • Stulexington

    So much for that vaulted element of surprise.

    • Gayer Than Thou

      Speaking of the element of surprise, didn’t he have a brilliant master plan to demolish ISIS that he couldn’t tell us about until he got elected? I’m all ears, Donny!

      • Stulexington

        Well the first step in his super secret plan was his “not a Muslim ban” Muslim ban and the courts keep blocking it so I guess Da’esh gets to keep going because stupid so called judges and their unfair bad rulings.

      • ltmcdies

        I think that big chunk of metal dropped on that canyon in Afghanistan WAS to master plan.

        • Gayer Than Thou

          Oh, then #MissionAccomplished! One quick question: has ISIS been demolished?

          • ltmcdies

            hell, no….

        • BrianW

          Yeah, well, any military plan that starts with, “Get all the bad guys to stand in the same place at the same time…” probably isn’t a good plan.

    • willi0000000

      i’m kinda surprised that, so far, there have been absolutely no surprises yet in this administration . . . it’s almost exactly as fucked-up as i thought it would be.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Surprise. Surprise and fear. Just those two.

      • eggsacklywright

        And bluster, don’t forget that one. So just three.

        • Werewolf

          I’ll come in again.

    • vivian

      I thought you vaunted me…

  • Gayer Than Thou

    Not that I really needed an excuse to start my weekend bender this early, but the realization that our safety may depend on the calm rationality of Kim Jong-un is more than reason enough.

    https://media.giphy.com/media/inctcuuIJ9PvG/giphy.gif

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Does Casual Friday now include a Morning Inebriation Hour at your job?

      • Gayer Than Thou

        It does now!

  • Bub, Zombie of the Resistance

    It’s hard to imagine how this current crisis is going to play out. There’s simply no predicting either of these men. On the one side you have a fat, unstable, narcissistic maniac with weird hair who inherited everything, and on the other you have Kim Jong-un.

    • Darlene Underdahl

      Two coddled men-children with nuclear weapons. Scary.

      • Kim at least went to school in a civilised country (Switzerland) so he’s not totally ignorant.

    • Gayer Than Thou

      I might want to shoot the cameraperson.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      That there dance music is fully weaponized. Time for a preemptive nuke strike.

      • Stulexington

        Prepare the Kardashians for airdrop.

        • Msgr_MΩment

          Don’t be hasty. That might violate the Geneva Convention.

    • zerosumgame0005

      why is it in Korean but all the tags and signs are in English?

    • Stulexington

      Why did they hire a guy who does POV porn to man the camera?

      • Magyar Has Had It With Trump

        Why wouldn’t they?

    • eggsacklywright

      It’s too bad K-pop doesn’t put the time and energy they expend on the choreography into the music.

    • William

      So that’s what she does when she’s not cutting across six lanes of traffic without looking at her mirror.

    • chortlingdingo

      Here’s some superior K-pop, complete with extremely confusing plot in the video

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TK9gEpUVFyo

    • Magyar Has Had It With Trump

      K-pop is the most disturbing musical genre in the history of ever

    • Celtic_Gnome

      I saw the senior dress rehearsal for Balletmet’s Romeo and Juliet this morning. I can’t even with that amateurish bullshit.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    Dear North Korea,

    We know you’re probably all kinds of freaked out about that Reuters interview Thursday

    While you’re at it, wonket, could you write a letter to the USAans, also too?

  • Vincent Ricola

    Shit like this is the reason I’m eating hot Cheetos for breakfast.

    • cheetojeebus

      Bless you.

    • Gayer Than Thou

      Read this as “hot Cheerios,” and though that might be the way the cook kids say “bourbon” these days.

      • Vincent Ricola

        Nah, bourbon is for lunch.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        Bourbon would clash with the Budweiser.

        • vivian

          Boilermaker!

    • Crank Tango

      I read that as hot Cheerios, and became intrigued.

      • Magyar Has Had It With Trump

        Isn’t that just oatmeal?

        • Crank Tango

          Depends how many days you boil it, I guess.

  • LarryHoudini

    It’s amazing how many similarities there are between Nixon and Trump: longstanding grudge against “elites,” appeal to “law and order,” overtly racist, paranoid, playing advisors off against each other, “pretending” to be crazy in order to scare the shit out of our adversaries . . .
    HMMM COULD THERE BE MORE???? ONLY TIME WILL TELL.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      ….implication in the birth/death of the EPA

    • Bub, Zombie of the Resistance

      And yet, somehow I find myself wishing we had Tricky Dick’s steady hand on the tiller.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        Kissinger’s penis knew more about foreign policy than Trump’s usual gang of idiots.

    • azeyote

      Nixon was exactly the mean cunning paranoid person he appeared to be – and Trump is a mean spoiled little rich kid who values greed above everything else and lies as a way of life because he can – neither were pretending

      • Rags

        Yeah – though I don’t think that Dicky was in any way narcissistic – he suffered from a severe sense of inadquacy. That is the scary difference between him and 4-5.

  • Michael Smith

    Remember when we used to have a mature and intelligent person in charge? Like, a few months ago? Seems so far away now.

    • Gayer Than Thou

      And remember that other moment, only months ago now, when we could have had another mature and intelligent person in charge?

  • therblig

    i guess it’s a good think trumpy doesn’t think the capital of NK is Poontang, because he’d really want to attack it then.

    • eggsacklywright

      There is a major city in the south called Pusan, maybe that’s close enough.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      His advisor, Ted Nugent, has already developed a plan of attack.

  • TJ Barke

    South Korea; When the North starts shelling you, because of some unbelievably idiotic shit our illegitimate president says, please know that I’m am deeply sorry, for what little it’s worth.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Seoul would be obliterated in the first hour. But at least McCain and Lindsay Graham would be happy.

    • Anna Elizabeth

      *nods* I’ve long wanted to visit Seoul. The food, the nightlife, cutting-edge Fashion, the music….

      I hope things work out for the best for the Korean peoples.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        Better hurry.

        • Anna Elizabeth

          It’s not hopeless, yet. I’ll probably never have the cash to go to Japan and South Korea, but I fervently hope we do not have any wars.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        You don’t need to travel to Asian for Seoul food.

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          There’s a joint in Harlem where the kimchi and waffles are the bomb!

          • Magyar Has Had It With Trump

            And motherfucking iced tea

          • Msgr_MΩment

            Kimchi-tlins?

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            There is a place in comedy hell reserved for you.

  • memzilla Ω
  • ltmcdies

    I remember back in that first lovely wonderful year of America’s last sane president, said sane president was accused of going on an “apology tour” by various alleged “pundits”

    yeh…well if the world makes it out a Trump administration alive…we expect nothing less than groveling from whoever the poor schmuck elected fix the mess.

  • Kitty Smith

    You wanna know something that comes to thought with Trump swinging his dick in best korea’s direction?

    Kitty remembers a lot of people whining about how “Clinton would get us into war”… usually with Russia. My reaction was basically “Clinton does not want war with Russia. Russia certainly does not want war with us. It would fucking suck.” But I can’t help but think about a war Russia probably would not mind: the US and China, and Trump and Un’s little cockfight just might bring that about. Two of biggest Russia’s rivals in conflict, with two other countries not particularly friendly to Russia in the crossfire? I cannot help but think Putin stands to profit.

    So, think about that when one thinks about how entangled Trump is with Russian interests, and how awfully easy he is to sway.

    • From Russia with Love

      You just have to pee on him that certain way…

    • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

      Just think how boring things would be right now if Clinton was president. No major issues except that Chaffetz would probably have 7 investigations going against her simultaneously.

      • Kitty Smith

        Boring is such an unappreciated quality.

    • bupkus231

      “…[T]Rump swinging his dick…”

      Now THERE”S a dick joke.

  • Martini Ambassador 🍸
    • Msgr_MΩment

      Coal, braw.

    • thixotropic jerk

      That picture really rocks it

  • puredog

    “I hope he’s rational,” says Donnie of Kimmie.
    Uh — no, from all apparent signs, he is not very rational, Mr. Preznit.

    • From Russia with Love

      So at least they understand each other.

      • willi0000000

        just because neither one has a close working relationship with reality doesn’t mean they are both inhabiting the same pocket universe.

        • From Russia with Love

          I was just hoping that is had a little overlap like, say, Spanish and Portugese.

      • Celtic_Gnome

        If there was ever a time to implement Mark Twain’s war policy of the leaders fighting it out with socks filled with horse dung, US v. North Korea would be it.

  • Crank Tango

    I’m just waiting for Kim Jong Il to hit Chump with a folding chair, then I will know this is all just so much pro wrestling.

    • doktorzoom

      Psst… Kim isn’t just Il, he’s Kim Jong Dead.

      • Crank Tango

        Lol I hadn’t had my coffee yet…

        • doktorzoom

          That’s OK. Lots of people pick the wrong Un

          • Celtic_Gnome

            Donnie thinks they’re all the same person. He bragged about how he’d work out a deal with that gentleman after Bill Clinton failed.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    No worries. I’m sure that once Trump is done addressing the NRA today, he’ll be back to his normal calm, rational self.

  • cheetojeebus

    Just watched Tillerson give his closing remarks. Christ, Has he never spoken in public before?

    • From Russia with Love

      Wuuuuuuut?

    • Anna Rompage

      He’s used to letting his bribes, and kick backs do all the talking…

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Money talks. Otherwise, no.

      • laughingnome

        They should just put a mountain of cash in front of the microphone.

  • Anna Rompage

    This ought to be fun, a game of chicken between a narcissistic sociopath bully, and an egocentric, insecure psychopath…

    • Msgr_MΩment

      My money’s on the…. wait, could you repeat the options again?

      • Crank Tango

        Defense industry?

      • jesterpunk

        Giant meteor.

      • vivian

        cockroaches

        • jesterpunk

          Hey what does Fox News have to do with this?

          • Anna Rompage

            They’re the only ones who will live after a nuclear holocaust?

          • Gayer Than Thou

            If there is any one thing that would make me want to just give up and lie down and die of radiation poisoning after a nuclear war, it would be the persistence of Fox News.

          • bupkus231

            Only after the cockroaches commit mass suicide, when they see who they’re left with.

          • therblig

            and each female has 3 pairs of gorgeous gams

          • Celtic_Gnome

            I saw a shot of the Fox News bimbette who’s going to be the new spokesperson for the State Department. I think she might be a secret Wonketteer, because, while she had on a shirt, she sure as shit wasn’t wearing any pants.

          • vivian

            everything – they caused it and they alone will survive

      • Anna Rompage

        I’d say in the sort term, the guy who used VX nerve gas and anti aircraft guns to kill his family members will take the lead, but in the end, the Cheeto Hued petulant man child who never served in the military because of bone spurs will win out, though not without millions of innocents being killed first…

        • Twiter’s just jealous he didn’t think of any of that first. Much cheaper than divorce

        • bupkus231

          But…. Winning! is all that matters….

          • Anna Rompage

            Donnie Trump has never met a person that he was unwilling to sacrifice for his own promotion and increased personal wealth..

        • therblig

          Chi Tow Hue – sounds vietnamese to me

          • Anna Rompage

            Pol Pot had nothing on that guy!

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      In this corner, Baby One…..

      • Msgr_MΩment

        ….In the other corner, One Big Baby….

    • Michael Smith

      Who have control over the most powerful weapons in human history!

    • Lizzietish81

      But with nukes

  • DesertedPictures

    I’m just glad north-korea leaders are relaxt, levelheaded people that are almost impossible to provoke: otherwise war might have been imminent!

  • Marceline

    Dear America –

    Our president says a lot of crazy bullshit too. Hopefully we’ll find a way to survive both of them.

    Signed,
    North Korea

  • Scooby

    China is like, holy shit we are now the leaders of the Pacific!!!!

  • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

    Trump’s rationality doesn’t concern me. Based on what was reported yesterday, it’s the rationality of the people who are talking to him that concerns me.

  • Martini Ambassador 🍸
    • Anna Rompage

      Oh for christ sakes, they’re just asking to be nuked now, aren’t they?

      • Martini Ambassador 🍸

        It’s satire. But let’s hope Donnie never finds them, because yeah, this is how the dumbest mass annihilation in the history of humanity begins.

    • DesertedPictures

      I thought propaganda services are supposed to spread lies! This quite a good analysis!

      • TJ Barke

        Propaganda is not necessarily lies or falsehood, it’s primarily spin. If it’s true spin then all the better.

      • Well, it’s a parody account.

    • sadboy

      The age of man is at an end. The age of the Twitter Tweet has begun.

      • Ricky Gay

        Not with a bang but with a twtter

        • vivian

          quite possibly both

          • Ricky Gay

            The revolution will be twitterized

      • Beanz&Berryz

        The Hermit Kingdom meets LOTR

    • schmannity

      They’re just one micro manos remark away from nuclear war.

  • Sedagive ’em Hell

    Dear Trump voters (who give him a 93% approval rating):

    Sit and spin on a radioactive dildo you moronic, heartless, gutless, clueless bunch of bloodthirsty, vindictive traitors.

    Oh, and make sure your kids are first in line to fight in all those beautiful wars you’re gonna be responsible for.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Trump and Nugent are giving seminars on avoiding the draft. Bone spurs and shitting pants will be the main subjects presented. $50,000 tuition payable to Trump U Revividus.

      • Bebecca

        and that buys you an audience with Pence, another 50k gets you a meeting with the Precedent.

      • Celtic_Gnome

        So, Chaffetz didn’t have to bring out all those old x-rays for his excuse? He could have just shit his pants and have to go home from Congress for a month to change?

        • Dudleydidwrong

          That’s sort of what happened. He went home to change his pants but he caught his little needle dick in his zipper. He’s been fighting over insurance coverage for the injury.

  • William

    Serious question: Is there a Melania Jong Un? – Conan O’Brien

    • Jenny

      I thought the Melon Trump of NK is a popstar but he might have killed her by now.

  • bupkus231

    Uh oh! This piece ( as masterful as it is ) is sure to stir up the hornet’s nest of asshole rightwing trolls. How dare you compare Rump to Kim!!1!1!!11!!

    • jesterpunk

      I hear lil Kim is a great guy, very impressive.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TFp4EHbXrNA

    • Anna Elizabeth

      Just fucking block them. Reich-wingers are not worthy of any thoughtful response. They are so lacking in empathy, and so filled with bloodlust as long as they themselves are not at risk, that they are not worth any consideration.

      • Anna Rompage

        I personally like to toy with them, much like how my cat plays with the mice she catches!

        • Anna Elizabeth

          Fair play to you, I’m not criticizing. :)

      • bupkus231

        An, of course, they are too stoopid to recognize any risk to themselves unless it’s someone with a gun in their faces ( and, even then, they’re cocksure they’ll be able to outdraw the mf’ers )

        • Anna Elizabeth

          Indeed. They all think they are John McClain just before Die Hard‘s second reel. *shakes head sadly*

    • Vincent Ricola

      Opposed to their normal, calm, passively relaxed demeanors?

    • William

      It’s a valid concern really. Kim has a way better barber.

    • William

      Relax. Trumpanzees will support Cheeto-moron no matter what. Just sit back and enjoy their drama. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/1677e32abde13fb1dff1fc8273e07dee7bd367b8fc7338b278c8e0e12d6bb7d5.jpg

    • Daisy

      They must be really mad at teenagers on in the internet then. We’re doing it on Facebook, where we can give our rightwinger relatives the twitches.

  • wait! what?
    • Anna Elizabeth

      That was a fun movie, *way* better than those execrable Transformers movies by Michael Bay.

      • Still mad at how early they killed off Alexander Skarsgard

        • Anna Elizabeth

          He’s a cutie. :D I loved all the hawties in this film, Skarsgard, Taylor Kitsch, Rihanna, and Brooklyn Decker. It’s a Bisexual Navy Fan’s perfect Popcorn Flick. XD

          • Better Taylor Kitsch: The Grand Seduction. It’s adorbs and hilarious

          • Anna Elizabeth

            Does it have Burke-class Destroyers in it? XD Taylor Kitsch is actually prettier than I usually go for, I usually like more rugged guys, like Russell Crowe.

          • No. It has a tiny town in Newfoundland trying to trick a doctor into moving there

          • Anna Elizabeth

            I’ll take a look when I can. :) Prime has it for rent.

          • I loved it. I saw it the first time at 930am after being out until 230am. Kitsch was there even!

          • Anna Elizabeth

            Sweet! :D Serious question – the DVD is only 2 dollars more than a rental. Is it worth owning?

          • It has joined my “watch it anytime for any reason” pantheon. However, i own a redonkulous amount of movies, i may not be the best judge

          • Anna Elizabeth

            Good enough for me, I have a lot of DVDs. :) One more can’t hurt.

        • wait! what?

          His dialogue started out good but he earned his death with:

          This is a real head-stomper.

        • rosenbomb

          You need to watch Big Little Lies if you haven’t already.

      • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

        “Been working on a destroyer, haven’t you?”
        “Yes, sir.”
        “Are you ready to play with the big boys?”
        “Oh yes, sir.”

        • Anna Elizabeth

          That was fun, especially how those old Vets twigged Rihanna abbot being from Tin Cans *without* mentioning that she’s female. :D

          I like that movie a lot.

  • William

    Duckworth To Matthews: “I Learn More About North Korea From Your Show” Than The Trump Briefing

    https://youtu.be/0iIHMi1yAGg

  • Martini Ambassador 🍸

    Sigh. If only we might have know this was a possibility.
    https://twitter.com/HillaryClinton/status/758864218439286784

  • tapp_my_wire,please

    Can’t wait for Donald’s tried and true strategy of ‘we’ll build a wall and N Korea will pay for it’.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Tillerson said this morning that the US was interested in having face-to-face talks with North Korea, aimed at denuclearization. Of course, with regards to Iran, his side denounced that as appeasement – so I guess we’re just rolling over and surrendering now – sad.

    • TJ Barke

      Well, China’s not right next door to Iran…

      • bupkus231

        Just one little Afghanistan away!

  • goonemeritus

    Trump is just upset that Kim had a much better attendance at his inauguration.

    • Crank Tango

      Well, they did promise finger food.

    • Bebecca

      and better hair

  • Scooby

    Who knew Kimchi could be so complicated?

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    OT, but FFS: Sessions: “We need to do a good job of vetting that, but that’s a complex issue, and I’m not sure anyone could be expected to find [evidence of Flynn taking foreign money]”

    Really? You’re not sure anyone could, asshole? ‘Cause reporters did. The DIA did. Sally Yates not only did, but fucking told you about it. That makes it pretty easy to find things, when someone just flat-out tells you. Some retired British spook wrote it in a goddamned report. Someone could’ve read that.

  • wait! what?

    Donald’s remarks give the world a Fall Out (Boy) Friday.

    https://youtu.be/GNm5drtAQXs

  • ken_kukec

    “All we’re getting at is that when this particular president of the USA opens his mouth, it’s often a torrent of angry, petulant bullshit that comes out, and then the adults in the administration explain to him why that was inadvisable, Trump says something slightly less insane, and then he either gives up on whatever his latest dickery was or embraces someone else’s idea or achievement and says that’s what he had in mind all along.”

    That, my friend, is the best one-sentence summary of the Trump president-ing style yet.

  • Daisy

    *groans* It’s too early for this bullshit. I may have to borrow my floormates vodka.

    • TJ Barke

      It’s a little early for vodka, try whiskey instead.

    • Martini Ambassador 🍸

      Hey Daisy! Nice to hear from you. No boozing before the last class, though, young lady!

      • Daisy

        Yeah, probably not a good idea, even if it is my last day of classes.

        • Martini Ambassador 🍸

          Ooh, is it spring break time?!

          • Daisy

            Nah, that was a month ago. It’s literally my last day

          • You have survived! How are you though?

          • Martini Ambassador 🍸

            Wow! Fantastic! Congratulations!!!

    • William
    • Anna Rompage

      To a pint glass add;
      juice of 1/3 lime
      juice of 1/4 lemon
      a pinch of dill
      a dash of garlic powder
      a light splash of olive juice
      2 hearty dashes of Worcestershire sauce
      1-2 dashes tobasco
      a heart pinch of salt and a few rounds of fresh ground black pepper

      Then fill glass to top with ice, then with vodka until glass is 1/2-3/4 full. Top with tomato juice, shake briskly, garnish with beef jerky, a celery stick, a couple olives, and enjoy…

      • vivian

        I typically use a 72oz. glass, so this seems about right.

      • NastyBossetti

        I’d add just a little horseradish.

    • Bailey’s goes well with most breakfast foods and on cereal

      • NastyBossetti

        Also over ice cream.
        Wait.
        Redundant.
        You already said breakfast foods.

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      You’re back! How’s it hangin? Sssup?

    • Doug Langley

      Hi! How are classes?

  • Seamus Romney
    • William

      That’s true. She was a mechanic and a good one from what I have read.

      • C4TWOMAN

        Royal Airforce, IIRC.
        God save the Queen.
        EDIT: I think I recalled incorectly. Oh well.

    • tapp_my_wire,please

      But bone spurs are a hereditary genetic thing.

    • Warrior aristocracy. The whole point of monarchy is that they’re bred and raised to be war leaders on the frontlines. Makes you wonder whether it’s not such a bad idea. Even big-eared dimwit Charles did his time in the Royal Navy (and on the England polo team, I kid you not).

    • and they look more in-bred

  • tapp_my_wire,please

    A good 1st step to rapprochement would be Donald and Kim agreeing on the same barber.

  • Nounverb911
  • IdiokraticDrumpfenJugend

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/3fcb03f58fbc12f780511fe528e70e5f15257e7d8742a172a0cc6c9ddbbcf75e.jpg Back off Kim, or we will send Mike Pence to squint and point at you!

    • wait! what?

      Wherein, Mike points to West Korea and says:

      Nuke them, too.

    • Anna Rompage

      Does he really need the name badge on is jacket?

      He reminds me of one of my jackass clients who owns a small supply business down in Springfield. When he calls, he always introduces himself as Sean _______ , President of _______ Supply Company…

    • Nockular cavity

      That woman is a HOOR! Get her out of my sight!”

  • wait! what?

    It’s official: Donald and Kim have the same theme song.

    https://youtu.be/UEaKX9YYHiQ

  • mimar

    Brilliant, Dok.

  • Persistent Tennessee Rain

    It’s just a teensy bit depressing to think that between this and climate change, my children my actually see the end of times.

    • bupkus231

      I don’t have any chilluns AND I am an oldz – and I’m depressed as hell….

      [ As it is, my fading memories of apocalyptic Xtianity stories keep coming back to me. Altho’ they don’t involve climate change… ]

      • Mike Steele

        But we bet they involve Jared’s real estate coup, buying that 666 property…

  • tapp_my_wire,please

    Donald o.k’s deploying missile defense systems in S Korea and sends Fat Tony Palermo to collect the bill with the message – Shame if something should happen to your country.

  • The Librarian

    An addendum:

    As a left coaster who would be first in the line of fire, please don’t nuke us, bro!!!

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      My offspring lives in Alaska. I worry about that, too.

  • BadKitty904

    “Fat, Rotting Papaya” sez wut?

  • C4TWOMAN

    OT: In the Dan Savage article I linked to yesterday, my comments or being deleted like dying flies. In particular any comments linking to proof about Trump colluding with Russia.

    Now right wing religious nutting magazine can run it’s website however it wants. I just find it strange they haven’t banned me….

    https://www.lifesitenews.com/blogs/dan-savage-launches-effort-to-impeach-trump-by-funding-baby-killers

    • Anna Rompage

      Jeebus christ having a 4 way with Peter, Paul, AND Mary…

      What a whacky web site…

    • jesterpunk

      They havent removed my comment yet. Still waiting to see how long until they do.

      • John Resistant Tovarich Smith

        Me too.

    • doggiedaddy

      Go to and comment. comment your brains out!!!
      https://www.lifesitenews.com/blogs/dan-savage-launches-effort-to-impeach-trump-by-funding-baby-killers

      It’s sooo much fun.

      • C4TWOMAN

        Welp, they’ve deleted all my DailyMail Trump/Bannon/treason links again, most of my other comments, Anna’s about how heterosexual couples also do the sodomy. I get they want to micro manage, but why have a comments section at all if there’s not going to be discussions?
        And OMG they FINALLY banned me. Lol.
        The mod is probably just learning how the interface works….

  • Rick Hill

    What? The growd ups are in charge…

  • Beanz&Berryz

    Beautifully said, Dok. And to think, not only are we to the point of relying on the geopolitical reasonableness of the Chinese, we are now down to the point of relying on the geopolitical reasonableness of someone in North Korea.

    • Rick Hill

      Oh, but the Chinese are our friends now in all regards. I mean, they keep approving the patent applications for the trumps so that proves they have good intentions.

      • cmd resistor

        And they like the chocolate cakes we like.

        • Celtic_Gnome

          There’s a lot to be said for enlightened self-interest. China stands to lose a fuck of a lot if the stability in that part of the world goes completely to shit.

  • proudgrampa

    Doktor, kudos for the Catch-22 reference.

    From Wikipedia:

    Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute Professor of Literature Alan Nadel observes that Maj. Major is “perhaps the exemplary null set in the novel”. Everything about the character, he states, signifies nothing: The character’s name is an empty repetition of “the name of authority”. The character’s promotion to squadron commander is meaningless. (“‘You’re the new squadron commander,’ Colonel Cathcart had shouted rudely across the railroad ditch to him. ‘But don’t think it means anything, because it doesn’t. All it means is that you’re the new squadron commander.'”)

  • Bebecca

    “We’d love to solve things diplomatically but it’s very difficult.”
    Maybe he should put Jared on that, he maybe could fit it in after bringing peace to the middle East but before revamping the federal government. But wait, didn’t he tell us what a superior negotiator he (Trump) was? maybe it’s time to use that skill.

  • Bub, Zombie of the Resistance

    Trump presses red button on desk: “Bring me another Coke! And a few more packs of army men! I’m going to figure out this Korea thing once and for all!”

    *Starts pushing toy tank around desktop, making motor and gunfire sounds*

    “Brrrrrmmmmmm! Boom, boom, ratatatatatat! You won’t get away this time, Kim Jong-fu!”

    • cmd resistor

      I would like a wine button on my desk.

      • Doug Langley

        Chocolate button for me.

        • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

          Mine used to say “Catapult Trump Into Sun” but the text is all worn off now.

          Whatever, it never worked right anyway.

      • John Resistant Tovarich Smith

        I need two: Vicoden and Xanax!

    • Mike Steele

      His first red button was the one from Staples, which is why he thought the job would be “EASY”.

  • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

    We don’t just have a stick. We have plenty of carrots. North Korea would love them some furrin aide from us, and some trade also- that is if they make anything useful. Why not negotiate that?

  • Nockular cavity

    Oh, he’s talking about just flat-out terminating our trade agreement with South Korea, our sixth-largest trading partner, now. South Korea must be feeling pretty abandoned these days. https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/trump-we-may-terminate-us-south-korea-trade-agreement/2017/04/27/75ad1218-2bad-11e7-a616-d7c8a68c1a66_story.html?utm_term=.2fcf2e948d3f&wpisrc=nl_az_most&wpmk=1

    • Who knew after all this time China would win the Korean war?

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      As Dok said, some adult will explain to him why that’s a bad idea, and he’ll back down, because who knew it was so complicated?
      Just another chapter in the continuing saga of WTF America?

    • yup and it’s going influence the election (5/9) probably not to china or DPRK’s liking. at very least it’s stopped all talk of the sunshine policy.

  • ziggywiggy

    Oh FFS will someone just tell Donald that 3 inches is HUUUGE. Gonna blow up the world because of size insecurity.

  • A_Changeling

    This is just incredible. How did he find the stupidest thing in the world to do? If I was in Seoul I’d take a holiday just about now just in case. The moron thinks that if there’s a problem the solution is to yell at it and fling poo until it’ll go away.
    And no offense, we have our own incredible imbeciles, but does it really take a war for your morons too see they’ve been conned? You’ve gotta give it to the Republicans, that’s literally some weapons-grade stupid they’ve cultivated.

    I hope the intelligence agencies of your allies are trying to figure out a way to get rid of the moron asap. They might have thought it’ll happen in its own time, but everybody should be realizing that letting this continue could be catastrophic.

    I also hope some inconsequential, courageous little country would declare your government illegitimate, severe diplomatic ties and call for a re-election. Maybe some African country that’d like to shine the helmet of its own lifetime president? Everybody should do it, but the US still being a superpower they’ll have to choose finlandization for now.

    /rant

    • xbutter

      Murdick has been coordinating (for years, with the Republicans) the stupidifying of the US with Fox News, internet,right wing radio and shitty tabloids at supermarket checkouts. All you have to do to see the results is read some you tube comments from some of the goobers who are pissed off about SNL’s hilarious mockery of their hero. Never have I seen such pathetic attempts at writing. It’s as if they have never before encountered punctuation or made any attempt whatsoever to make their written thoughts come across as anything other than authentic Trumpian gibberish that would embarrass a 5th grader.

  • AJ Milne

    ‘We say this not as criticism, but in a spirit of international friendship and understanding, of course…’ made me laugh hard.

    Is there a word for this? The commiseration occurring between diverse peoples living under strutting morons?

    (Maybe in German? This being no comment _at all_ on their current very able chancellor, so much as I figure the language that gave us schadenfreude and fremdschämen should be the first place to look.)

    • Rags

      Untrumpschmerze?

  • William
  • Bitter Scribe

    Trump may finally unite North and South Korea on one issue: He’s an idiot.

  • Professor Fate

    This begins to feel a bit like the situation before the First World War when Kaiser Wilhelm II was going around making everybody very very nervous by pretty much spouting anything that came to the top of his head (often bellicose threats and complaints – sound familiar?) . while it didn’t end up being the cause of the war is surely didn’t help
    We’re getting very very to a point were somebody doing something stupid could result in a world wide disaster.

    • doktorzoom

      Thank goodness there aren’t a lot of archdukes running around any more.

      • Mike Steele

        Isn’t that one of Jared’s titles?

        • i wish we allowed comments cause this is my favorite.

  • nightmoth

    I read an article yesterday that said Mexico has figured out that Trump is all bluff and no action. Perhaps North Korea has decided that, as well. I can’t figure out which premise is best for our country: Trump is a lying liar who is all bombast and hot air, or Trump is an incompetent warmonger who likes to have things blowed up real good because he thinks it makes his dick bigger. All I know is that I don’t like either one.

  • And remember that the Dumb-old has also threatened S Korea so perhaps he is hoping to unite both countries

  • JD Mulvey

    Do North Koreans get Catch-22 references? I thought that was our thing.

    • Emaily

      Totally jumped out at me this morning!

    • Mike Steele

      Wanna bet Third Fatty, in his young life (BTW, Sen. Dumbasabagofrocks Warner, he is NOT 27!) has read more than Trump has in all the years he’s stained the planet – though Heller? Unlikely…

  • Swampay
  • Internet Hitler

    Everybody knows N Korea’s nuclear program is just a cover for their plan to dominate the Olympic volleyball competition (once they get in).

  • Panika MCD

    p.s. please remember that he thought he was sending a carrier group your way–bragged about it–and it turned out he had sent them to Malaysia. even if he does try to start a war, he’s so inept at MAPS that he’ll never figure out where you’re hiding.

  • Scooby

    I can kill 25 million South Koreans on 5th Avenue and not lose any votes.

  • SisterArtemis

    Dok, you are an excellent example of why no one should ever write Idaho off.

  • John Lo

    Why is it, whenever I see that photo of Trump with the finger up and a grimace on his face, he looks like a 2 year old shitting his pants.

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