Dear North Korea,
We know you’re probably all kinds of freaked out about that Reuters interview Thursday where Donald Trump, who really is the president of the United States, improbable though that seems, said that your nuclear program could lead to a war any minute now. Specifically, he said, “There is a chance that we could end up having a major, major conflict with North Korea. Absolutely,” which is one of those things that is 1) something everyone on both sides knows is a possibility and 2) Nobody says out loud because putting that on your Vision Board makes it come “true.”
Here’s the thing you guys over there in the Hermit Kingdom have to remember: Our president is crazy stupid, and says all sorts of crazy bullshit out loud that normal U.S. presidents have been careful not to, because he barely has any idea how rational, normally socialized human beings behave and talk. You guys, of all people, should know what that’s like. Your own
Dipshit Great Leader, after all, tosses around threats to turn South Korea (and sometimes Japan) into a “sea of fire” about as often as our guy says “big league” (though it sounds like “bigly”). Lil’ Kim has used that “sea of fire” line again and again, in response to South Korean military exercises in 2011, to mark the North’s own live-fire exercises in 2013, in response to propaganda leaflets in 2015, and after the U.S. planned to send a missile-defense system to the South in 2016. So honestly, it’s not like you guys haven’t had plenty of experience with a freakishly insecure leader who looks to the military power of the state and the adulation of the people to reassure him that he’s a really popular leader and says any goddamn thing that comes to mind. Hell, you’ve got a lot more experience with that style of paranoid, hair-trigger tempered head of state than we do. We’re still getting used to the petty little shit. Ours, not yours.
We say this not as criticism, but in a spirit of international friendship and understanding, of course. All we’re getting at is that when this particular president of the USA opens his mouth, it’s often a torrent of angry, petulant bullshit that comes out, and then the adults in the administration explain to him why that was inadvisable, Trump says something slightly less insane, and then he either gives up on whatever his latest dickery was or embraces someone else’s idea or achievement and says that’s what he had in mind all along. Sure, you have to be ready for him to come back a month later and say the original crazy thing all over again, because if one of his lies gets applause, he’s really reluctant to let go of it. It takes some getting used to.
In any case, please notice that in the same interview where he said we might get into a major, major conflict with you guys, he also said he wants to address the issue of North Korea’s nuclear program through negotiations, in his own uniquely clumsy way, saying “We’d love to solve things diplomatically but it’s very difficult.” Also, because he’s a complete idiot, even while he was talking war stuff, he took time during his interview to say South Korea had better pay us for that missile defense system that spooked you and China, and that he wants to negotiate a tougher trade agreement with South Korea. Look on the bright side: Trump only said we might get into a war with you guys in North Korea, but he’s actively telling our allies in South Korea they need to pay up, or else! (Also, South Korea? Please see everything we just said about Trump saying crazy bullshit then backing down, ‘kay?)
This morning, Secretary of State Rex Tillerson, who we are fairly sure Trump from time to time is reminded exists, also said he wanted the U.S. and North Korea to have direct, face-to-face talks about denuclearization (yours, not ours, duh. We’re a goddamned superpower, you know), at least if the schedule doesn’t interfere with his naps. Also, sorry he keeps calling your capital “Pongyang.” You can probably point that out when he drops by.
So please, North Korea, try to remember that when Donald Trump says crazy bullshit, he may really believe it, but in a day or so he’s likely to be saying some completely opposite crazy bullshit that he also sincerely believes. It takes some getting used to, and definitely isn’t easy on anyone’s digestion. We sincerely believe that if we all keep cool heads, our two nations can join together in looking at our leaders, shaking our heads, and saying together, “That crazy motherfucker’s at it again. Just ignore him, it’s how he is.”
But try not to freak out over Trump’s latest line about seeing major major conflict anytime soon. Everybody knows you can only see Major Major when he’s left for the day.
The United States of America
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