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Morning Wonketariat! Here’s some of the things we may be talking about today.

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  • Nounverb911
    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      I’m pretty sure he just said “Fuck Thursdays”….

  • Nounverb911
    • Querolous

      Tapir? I didn’t even know her!

  • Latverian Diplomat

    Trump isn’t the kind of guy who pulls out before he can make a big splash, so he’ll “renegotiate” NAFTA instead of leaving a big mess and saying, “I’ll call you.”

    In other words, Americans manufacturers and retailers explained that “NAFTA is just fine right now, and my, doesn’t that nice Mr. Pence look eager to please, what a go-getter he is.”

    • dshwa

      Also: “Do you realize pulling out of TPP is going to give China and Japan a way to squeeze us out of multiple developing markets and cut into our exports? That nice Mr. Pence understood it right away.”

  • Nounverb911
  • Nounverb911
  • Ωbjectifier

    Rodents of unusual size? I don’t think they exist.

  • This is part of my final, and what I’ve been doing this semester.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vvdzHOyiBf0

    • Anna Elizabeth

      Oh my goodness.

  • CogitoErgoBibo

    On withdrawing/renegotiating NAFTA: “I think we’d better be careful about unintended consequences,” said Senate Majority Whip John Cornyn.

    HAHAHAHA! He’s so adorable. Thinking Cheetoh ever considers unintended consequences about anything.

  • Nounverb911
    • Undocumented Skwerl!

      It’s like FOX is just a sexual harassment factory.

      • laughingnome

        They make fuel for the patriarchy.

    • Vincent Ricola

      It’ll be nice to forget Jesse Watters exists, at least until he makes news again for whatever eventually sends him to prison.

      • Undocumented Skwerl!

        I’m putting my bets on date rape and a Florida style crime committed while high.

        • Nounverb911

          SO a Joe Scarborough special?

        • vivian

          no odds available

        • bupkus231

          There ain’t no style like that Florida-style!

    • janecita

      I’m so glad O’Reilly is gone!

  • Latverian Diplomat

    Trump had a red button installed in the Oval Office that signals a White House slave aide to bring him a Coke instead of launching nuclear weapons. CRISIS AVERTED!

    As long as it isn’t set up like Reagan’s Nuke/Nurse buttons.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QHmH1xQ2Pf4

    • Anna Elizabeth
    • wait! what?

      https://youtu.be/I0AxrOUJ62E

      Don’t try to say you’re sorry
      Don’t say he drew his gun
      They’ve gone and grabbed old Ronnie
      He’s not the only one saying
      It’s a mistake, it’s a mistake

      • Anna Elizabeth

        Love it! I got this album on cassette for Christmas in 1983.

  • Undocumented Skwerl!

    Jesse Watters couldn’t even last a week in primetime before Fox News kicked his ass to the curb for being a sexist dickhole.

    Are our dickheaks learnin?

  • cheetojeebus

    If I had a baby Capybara I would call him Felix.

    • janecita

      The name of my first crush was Felix, but he wasn’t a capybara:-)

    • Anna Elizabeth

      Felix is an awesome name, as is Sebastian. However, I would name a baby Capybara “Bitey”.

  • Anna Elizabeth

    God Morning Everypony! I slept in, the first really good night’s sleep I’ve had this month. How are Y’all?

  • Nounverb911

    Pribus is having second and third thoughts about his job….
    https://twitter.com/yashar/status/857574125623275520

    • kareemachan

      Boo fucking hoo.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Why not combine the two events. They could have had a pi&ntlide;ata filled with tax breaks and regulation repeals.

    • Red Bird Ω

      Just like every other working American who has to put in extra hours at work to make ends meet.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      Unlike the average working stiff, who, given a choice between family and work actually has no choice but to choose work.

  • major_asshole

    I’m working off very little sleep and the withdrawal symptoms of no cable TV, so forgive me.

    HOLY SHIT that smug asshole Watters is getting shitcanned pretty damned quick, isn’t he? One wonders if Trumpsky called whoever’s in charge of Fox News and was outraged that anyone but he, Lord Feltersnatch, could make implications and insinuations about Ivanka.

    I mean, given Fox News’s track record, Watters isn’t getting kicked out for making sexual jokes about a woman–that and so much worse is not only acceptable at that network, it’s encouraged!

    • C4TWOMAN

      From FOX’s preservative they’re saving a ton of cash AND look like white knights. The bean counters might actually be happy Bill O’liability is gone. Now they have a precedent for kicking anyone off the show.

    • Red Bird Ω

      It’s a matter of which woman they insulted. He Went To Jared probably called and complained.

      • major_asshole

        Jared has too much on his plate as it is, so I doubt he had anything to do with it. Probably wasn’t even aware it had happened until Donnie called him up and said something like “that punk kid Watters insulted my hot piece of tail!”

        (To which Jared initially responded “What’d he say to insult Melania?” at which point Donnie threw a tantrum and pushed the button for a butler to bring him a bottle and fresh nappy.)

  • baconzgood

    Another Fucking day.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      They have have them every day.

    • calliecallie

      It will get better. There is still good in the world. Sometimes it’s just hard to see. Do something good for yourself today, if you can. Even if it’s only a piece of pie.

      • baconzgood

        I’m not allowed to do somthing good for myself unless I fill out a form in triplicate and get approvial 24 hours in advance.

        • janecita

          When is your next hearing?

          • baconzgood

            July. Unless I can get out of here in a coniving way. I’m pretty coniving.

        • Anna Elizabeth

          Sometimes when I was in that hospital, I had to build a better world in my mind. They couldn’t reach me in there.

          ~hugs~

        • Contemplative Ron

          And I’ll bet they deny the request anyway.

    • tapp_my_wire,please

      I wish, I’ve been on kinda dry spell lately.

      • vivian

        In US America, day fucks you!

    • Red Bird Ω

      :(

  • tapp_my_wire,please

    Hey Chaffetz, the bad feet card was already played years ago.

    • Alt-dog

      He though about using the anal cyst card but decided it was too undignified.

  • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

    In in the interest of fairness, Confederates Day needs an opposing Holiday of similar spirit: Enslaved Whites Day, celebrating the rich history of Anglo Americans’ rightful enslavement as indentured servants.

    There should be reenactments where wealthy white people boss around poor whites and lock them up when they try to run away.

    • Nounverb911
    • C4TWOMAN

      Well, there’s the Society of Creative Anachronism, where we dress up as people in the Middle Ages, a time the serf have virtually no rights and could be killed by their lord. But we’re clearly “doing it wrong” because one of the rules in the SCA is everyone is Lord or Lady and NO ONE is a peasant.
      Something about everyone having fun….
      *pines for the historical accuracy of the Black Death and rotting open sores*

    • Latverian Diplomat

      How about “We Fucking Lost Day”, a day for whiny losers across the country to reflect on how unfair it all was.

  • calliecallie

    If He Went to Jared’s in trouble, they’re all in trouble. Because he will sell out the lot to save himself, don’t you think?

    • dshwa

      Which one of them, if faced with serious trouble, wouldn’t sell the rest?

      • Contemplative Ron

        I would have said ‘Barron,’ but the poor kid might turn them in just to have a chance to grow up normally.

    • PubOption

      Jared has done some questionable deals with an Israeli guy who made money in diamonds, but Ivanka had to get her diamonds from India. Seems like the guy knows when he will or won’t get paid.

  • Lizzietish81

    So when you say “coke”….

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    ♫ The wheels on the bus go ’round and ’round,
    ’round and ’round, ”round and ’round…♫
    https://i.giphy.com/zL8fg9Frjlq6Y.gif

    • Courser_Resistance

      Ha! I love it!

  • tapp_my_wire,please

    Don Jr liked the baby Capybara clip and asks can I shoot it?

    • Querolous

      Chris Chrisco liked Capybara clip and asks can I eat it?

  • Nounverb911
  • Latverian Diplomat

    The Senate took a field trip to the White House yesterday to hear about how spooky North Korea has been, and most of them left bored and wondering if they could have snuck out early.

    “North Korea is a yooge threat yooge. Almost as yooge as my electoral college victory. Not as yooge as my record Inauguration crowds, though. But they could get there, which is why we have to act. And not be weak, like our trade deals. Which are so weak. NAFTA, what a terible deal. And North Korea is dangerous, like if you are a protestor at one of my yooge rallies. Heh. “Get ’em out here” I always say. But really, no one’s every been hurt and I’m not responsible in any way. Anyway the take away is, North Korea has lots of bad hombres, so we’re going to keep them behind the Demilnerized Wall. Please go away now, I’m going to have a coke and then scare some children on a White House Tour. I love doing that.”
    –Donald Trump

  • Anna Elizabeth

    Hey, Jesse Watters?

    I’ve seen Angels fall from Blinding heights
    But you Yourself are nothing so Divine
    Just Next in Line!

    Try your next BJ joke at a bar, Dickhole.

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      Well, it would work on Wonkette…..just sayin’…..

      • Anna Elizabeth

        :) of course, but I I tell a blowjob joke here, I’m not at work, nor am I asserting male privilege over a woman-Ivanka – right after telling other women that they weren’t allowed to criticize said woman.

        • Toomush_Inferesistance

          It must have sounded like I was supporting or apologizing for him. I just come here for the dick jokes…

          • Anna Elizabeth

            No, no not at all. :) I just find Watters a sorry specimen of even his loathesome Faux Noos clan.

          • Toomush_Inferesistance

            Well, that’s just because he’s a douche….

          • Anna Elizabeth

            Indeed. The whole thing at Fox is just *urrrggg*. I wonder how many will have to be kicked to the curb before they catch on?

          • bupkus231

            They’ll never “catch on”, because their loyal viewers LIKE shit like that!

          • Anna Elizabeth

            Oh, believe me, I know. But News Corp. is kicking them to the curb anyway.

  • Lefty Frizzell

    I think we’ve seen the NAFTA play before with NATO – he’ll ignore it for a bit, then announce that either he’s left it or fixed it, depending on which polls better with the base.

    It’s actually quite a common play with new corporate management initiatives.

  • gene108

    AHCA 2.0 is coming up. Call your House Rep and tell him or her to Vote No.

  • dslindc
  • Nounverb911
  • Chadwells

    Dampnut doesn’t drink Coke because he thinks the Chinese went pee pee in it. Or maybe that’s why he prefers it?! https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/ef713af2d8d795825831ccffd5d680fc5315e581ae99ef42136a9359e2aa9564.gif

  • OddMan

    Thanks Dominic, another list, more things to impeach Trump. I hope you have a good supply of anti-anxiety meds.

    One thing stood out to me today, Trump does not use a coaster under his iced Coke sitting on the Resolute desk in the Oval Office.
    Another reason he is a Fucking Dipstick asshole.

    • wait! what?

      Donald thinks they found Cibola, so the desk has done it’s job and is now useless.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    Jared’s dad is a criminal and a shitbag of the first rank. I’m guessing he didn’t fall far from the tree.

  • shoeflyin

    Think I just found my sign for the climate march https://t.co/577OmbGySq— Shoe fly (@Shoeflyin) April 27, 2017

  • Nounverb911
  • tapp_my_wire,please

    Donald proposes killing the estate tax in his reform package. Ivanka and the boys cheer and ask Dad not to tell Tiffany about it.

    • Contemplative Ron

      Tiffany who?
      – Donnie

  • Nounverb911

    Today is the White House Press Corpses “Take your kids to work day” or as trump puts it, every day.

    https://twitter.com/albamonica/status/857585166105153536

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Janitor 1: “So much gum stuck under that podium. Took forever to scrape off.”
      Janitor 2:”Kids these days.”
      Janitor 1:”Nope…wasn’t them.”

    • dshwa

      Ok son, this is what a lying bully looks like.

    • TheGrandWazoo2

      And they all outsmarted him too.

    • Mr. Blobfish

      Then the kids stole Spicer’s juice box money and stuffed him in a locker.

  • Crystalclear12

    Lost my wallet, I am freaking out!

    • Me not sure

      Retrace, before you forget where you’ve been!

    • Contemplative Ron

      It’ll be in the last place you look. Because when you find it, you’ll stop looking. Logic.

      • Crystalclear12

        Usually I find it after I have called all the credit card companies.

        • Courser_Resistance

          Do you have the option to temporarily stop your cards? My cards have that option. That way you don’t have to cancel them, just stop them from being used until you can locate them.

          • Crystalclear12

            Thanks, I’ll check.

    • chicken thief

      I haven’t seen it, but I do wish you’d carry more cash.

    • Anna Elizabeth

      Take a deep breath. Could it have fallen into a sofa cushion, or something?

      • Crystalclear12

        No luck so far.

        • Anna Elizabeth

          Darn it. ~hugs~ I’ll keep my fingers crossed, I wish I could help more. I’ve been there, believe me.

    • Persistent Demme

      The car?
      Other (*shudder*) pants?
      A different jacket or coat?

      • Crystalclear12

        No, what pants?, no

    • Courser_Resistance

      Take a deep breath and I’ll tell you that virtually all the times I’ve lost my wallet/debit card, it’s been returned to me intact. Only once was it mailed to me sans money.

      Re-trace your steps and be calm.

    • Yr. Gma

      That has happened to me and it is the worst. Both times I got it back with everything in it but the cash.

      • Crystalclear12

        Well, at !east mine started out empty of cash. . .

  • Me not sure
    • Courser_Resistance

      That’s just perfect! My brother said that the port-a-potty maintenance folks were some of the happiest people he’s ever met.

  • chicken thief

    Jason’s foot hurts? Well, it’s his face that’s killing me!!1!!!!

    Try the veal, and don’t forget to tip your waitress…

  • Bill D. Burger
  • Granny Sprinkles
    • tapp_my_wire,please

      He finally got a job, but who knew Christie needed glasses?

      • Granny Sprinkles

        trump had to do something to get him to quit humping his leg.

    • wait! what?

      John Bolton is looking pretty good.

    • Hairstrike Alpha

      That nominee is a good boy. Yes he is! Yes he is!

      • Marsupial99

        He nominated Sean Hannity??

        • Shelleygosburn

          My last paycheck was $22500 for working 12 hours a week online.Start earning $97/hour by working online from your home for few hours each day with GOOGLE… Get regular payments on weekly basis… All you need is a computer, internet connection and a litte free time… Read more here
          !sf21s9c:
          ➽➽
          ➽➽;➽➽ http://GoogleFinancialCashJobs509HomeWorksGetPaid$97/Hour ★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫::::::!sf219c:….,….

    • Persistent Demme

      His/her expertise and experience in ball-fetching and frisbee catching is the main qualification for this job.

    • IdiokraticDrumpfenJugend

      Trump selected this nominee ahead of other potential candidates for the position because he has said he approves of the controversial practice of grabbing pussies.

    • chicken thief

      Finally a pick that will work doggedly to accomplish the mission.

      • phoenix00

        #AllCatsMutters

  • Bill D. Burger
    • writersbloc

      hahaha, props to this guy for digging up a classic!

    • The Wanderer

      I was about to say that the girl’s really let herself go.

    • medcannabis1

      I have to book some time with my therapist after watching this….

    • nightmoth

      Brilliant! I love this.

  • CogitoErgoBibo

    And he’s not even using a coaster! The butler clearly brought him a napkin, but Trumpkin won’t use it. Because he has no manners, doesn’t care about government property and has to be all maverick-y, doing it his way. #SaveTheResoluteDesk
    https://twitter.com/KateBennett_DC/status/825397880030638080

    • Alt-dog

      Five minutes before that photo-op: “Someone gather up some papers and binders so he can look like he actually reads things.”

    • chicken thief

      He on the phone with Ivanka trying to convince her to pee on him? “Hey, it’s your inheritance that I’m spending…. I’ll send Jared to Israel…”

    • TakingAmes

      I seriously had the exact same thought when I saw the photo. He got no home training. Save the Resolute desk!

  • chicken thief

    Jesus Christ, libtards, who among us hasn’t forgotten to mention a few visits with Russians that occurred just a couple of weeks prior and while Flynn was in the hot seat for failing to mention his contacts with the Russians?!

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      We all do dumb things…

      • Celtic_Gnome

        Some administrations just do dumber things than other administrations.

  • Alexander Stallwitz
  • chicken thief

    From the source article:

    “With our sight set on the heavens, which President Kennedy referred to
    as ‘the new frontier,’ it is only fitting that the nation born on the
    last frontier should continue to lead the way in the new frontier,” Cruz
    said at a hearing of the Senate Commerce Subcommittee on Space, Science
    and Competitiveness, which he chairs.

    “Which is why my dad killed him”, Cruz added, “who the hell calls space “the new frontier”?!”

  • Bub, Zombie of the Resistance

    Giant rats? Meh. I’ve seen enough of Trump and his administration lately. Had my fill of ’em.

    • javadavis

      Call them ROUSes and see if you feel better about them.

  • Doug Langley
    • TakingAmes

      That’s amazing! I love it!

  • VirginiaLady

    Rodents. I luvs ’em. S/he reminds me of my lil guinea pig. I miss that fat boy.

  • William
  • chortlingdingo

    Y’all, a non-comment I wrote 3 months ago got me called a “liberal fucktard” yesterday. I’m not sure how they even found that article, but it was my first time being called that. I feel like it’s a milestone.

    • nightmoth

      Congratulations!

    • Opalescent Riddles

      Wear it with pride.

    • paxpax

      Proud of you

    • they’re a little slow sometimes. Congrats, comrade!

    • Bitter Scribe

      Once I wrote a letter to the editor of the Chicago Sun-Times and RedState made a whole post out of it. Very flattering.

    • sgt. jmk of the résistance

      Congratulations!

      I don’t want to brag, but I got slagged off for my “communist avatar” the other day… the twit didn’t even realize it’s a Hillary “H” symbol on the hat.

      • chortlingdingo

        Hah! That’s beautiful!

  • Lefty Wright

    Interesting that the link on Chaffetz discusses one of Wonkette’s favorite people to loathe, Larry Klayman, attacking Chaffetz. I love it when the right wing turns on each other.

    • Bitter Scribe

      As I read it, Klayman is mad at Chaffetz for bailing on Michael Flynn. He also thinks Chaffetz covered up the fact that the Afghan government helped shoot down an Army helicopter as retaliation for the killing of Osama bin Laden, which didn’t happen anyway because bin Laden died of natural causes and Obama just took the credit, which Chaffetz helped him do because he loves Obama.

      I’m starting to think Klayman may be a little confused.

      • javadavis

        ‘… bin Laden died of natural causes…’ – oh, yeah, that is why Bush said he do longer worries about bin Laden except when President Cheney decided that they needed to pull his videos out to create another OMG Terrorist! crisis!!!11!1 to distract attention from a new scandal or to have an excuse to invade another oil producing country. Doesn’t everyone know that? Yeah, Obama probably faked finally catching up to bin Laden because he heard that president Cheney was planning on putting out another bin Laden tape in order to take control back.
        (Bushie wasn’t really supposed to say that aloud, but it was real hard to keep him on script.)

  • Celtic_Gnome

    As a member of the Pepsi Generation, I now have one more thing to hate about Trump (as if I really needed to expand that list).

  • Khavrinen

    “just don’t expect him to actually pay for it.”

    Doesn’t that apply to just about anything that Republicans want?

  • Wonkette, never make me think of Trump “pulling out” before “making a big splash” even again (talk about “draining the swamp.”)

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