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Hello! I am a very great, very professional spokesman for CENTCOM, believe me!

So now that we’ve got the adventure of the Carrier Battle Group That Wasn’t Exactly An Armada Steaming To North Korea to think about, Rachel Maddow would like to remind us of another perplexing Whiskey Tango Foxtrot moment. Last Thursday, just before the latest salvo of nutso screaming at North Korea, The Hill quoted a very un-military-sounding person who claimed to be speaking for the Pentagon’s Central Command (CENTCOM) about the decision to drop that big beautiful “Mother of All Bombs,” the 21,600-pound GBU-43, on a cave and tunnel complex in Afghanistan. Maddow covered the story on her April 14 show, but thinks we ought to give it a second look in light of the Trump administration’s seeming confusion over where exactly a carrier battle group is. So let’s reconsider!

The “CENTCOM spokesman” in the Hill story doesn’t sound like any of the steely-eyed missile men you’d expect to deliver the official word from any part of the military. In fact, the unnamed source sounds more like some loon in an online comments thread. Asked why military planners used the MOAB, the “spokesman” said all this stuff, which doesn’t include any of the clipped phrasing and military jargon you’d usually get from the Pentagon:

[It’s] the type of weapon for the type of target.

This has been a very difficult area; they’re tunneled into the ground in hardened bunkers and they’re actually leading a lot of attacks on U.S. and partner nation forces […]

When you have a very large beehive, a little flyswatter may not work, so finally you take out the big stuff. We just found a huge beehive and we have to use something more than the fly swatter.

Asked if the non-nuclear mega-weapon was chosen not only for the specific mission parameters (see? WE can do better Pentagon-ese than this guy!), the putative spokesdude was again remarkably informal in tone: “Absolutely, we mean business.” He also explained — very unlike a military person — that Donald Trump was wisely ignoring that dumb principle of civilian control of the military:

“It’s empowering the commanders and winning the war against the bad guys,” the spokesman said. “In this administration, the military is given empowerment to do what we need to do.”

And on Gettin’ Tough against our enemies? Oh, yeah, we are rockin’ and rollin’, said the “spokesman”:

“We have the greatest military in the world, and they’ve done a job as usual so we have given them total authorization,” he told reporters on Thursday. “And that’s what they’re doing. And, frankly, that’s why they’ve been so successful lately.” […]

“We mean business,” the CENTCOM spokesman said. “President Trump said prior that once he gets in he’s going to kick the S-H-I-T out of the enemy. That was his promise and that’s exactly what we’re doing.”

He added: “Afghanistan has, for a little while, been the forgotten war but there’s a lot of action over there, there’s a lot of dangers. If we’re going to be engaged in a war we’re going to be engaged in a conflict to win, period.”

Finally, there was this completely uncharacteristic comment on whether there were any civilian casualties: “I can guarantee that we on the target assessment made sure that there’s nothing in the area, that it’s pure enemy[.]” Nope. No real military spokesman ever guarantees anything, especially not when it comes to civilian casualties, which are always addressed as things we take every effort to avoid or minimize, and which are regrettable if they happen, but never, ever “guaranteed” to not have occurred. That’s Pentagon 101.

The day after the Hill story ran, CENTCOM issued this statement:

Maddow commented, “I’ve never seen anything quite like this from DOD,” but we assume she means the content — apologizing for a fake spokesman — not the style. It at least sounds like a genuine press release coming from a genuine goddamned military bureaucracy, with names and ranks and the attendant jargon of a bureaucratic semi-apology. Maddow added in subsequent tweets, however, that “CENTCOM never explained who it was that gave that statement as if they were a spokesman (We asked, they wouldn’t say).”

She also notes the “that guy wasn’t speaking for us” retraction doesn’t appear on the CENTCOM website where its press releases are usually posted, and that the release number on the emailed statement actually belongs to a completely different press release that has nothing to do with Afghanistan or the communications SNAFU.

Maddow — or an MSNBC social media intern who has been trained to sound terrifyingly like her — sums up (we’ll copypaste several tweets for efficiency):

So: now we’ve got a DOD statement that someone said things to a reporter that DOD disavows, but we don’t know who the person was. Nor do we know the circumstances of why or how someone was pretending to be a CENTCOM spokesman for a day. And the release copping to this odd event is not publicly posted and it’s coded with a release number that belongs to something else.

This is mostly just weird. But (a) I’ve never seen anything like it before, and (b) DOD should explain the fake spox thing.

OK, done.

So who the hell is the mystery spox? Yr Editrix and several folks on the Twitter machine think it sounds unsettlingly like obnoxious dead-eyed Trump spokes-beeste Stephen Miller, who is fluent in fact-free Trumpian duckspeak. The Trump-fluffing of those statements to The Hill certainly have a whiff of SM to them. Other tweeters speculated it might have been Donald Trump himself, reprising his role as official Trump Spokesman “John Miller” or “John Barron.” We’re less inclined to believe that one, since the sentences are, you know, sentences, even if they’re nonsensical. Not a single “Believe me,” either.

In any case, we’re sure this is a mystery that will eventually be made clear in a future leak, since members of the Trump administration are even less able to hold things in than the lady who tows around a toilet on a rope in that ad for Irritable Bowel Syndrome medication. Be sure you watch Maddow in the next few days — you’ll see plenty on both.

Yr Wonkette is supported by reader donations. As our spokesperson, John Zoom, says, “Just click the ‘Donate’ linky after the story.”

[Rachel Maddow Show / The Hill / “John Barron” photo from “Jenna” on Twitter]

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  • Shibusa
    • Which, as I recall from my security briefings back in the day, was a big red flag that someone was likely compromised.

      • The Wanderer

        It’s the reason that police departments and agencies like that (viz., the FBI) run credit checks on applicants. People who live beyond their means can be susceptible to money corruption.

        • Contemplative Ron

          Back when that was a BAD thing.

  • WotsAllThisThen

    Did this CENTCOM spokesperson by any chance use Pepe the Frog as an avatar?

  • Msgr_MΩment

    When you have a very large beehive, a little flyswatter may not work, so finally you take out the big stuff. We just found a huge beehive and we have to use something more than the fly swatter.

    Have they thought about just pouring molten metal into the tunnels?
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IGJ2jMZ-gaI

    • Anna Rompage

      Or what about one of those gopher gas bombs!

    • BadKitty904

      Don’t give them any ideas, please.

    • Michael Smith

      I think we tried that in Vietnam.

    • therblig

      i can’t find anything on the website that says whether or not the colonies are active or not. i don’t see any ants in the video, and while i’m not peta crazy, ants are part of their respective ecosystems.

      • There are ants in the colony, but they’re pretty much vaporized by the molten aluminum. They generally do these for museums.

        • The Wanderer

          I’ve seen examples on sale at flea markets and museums. Really quite good, and since everyone hates fire ants, the casters are doing a public service.

      • I’ve watched these videos before and if I remember right, the guy has been hired to get rid of an invasive species of fire ant. He figured on selling the “sculpture” on the side.

    • How about setting up a sound system and playing a selection of Trump and Spicey press conferences on a loop. That sound drive them insane within a few hours.

  • The Wanderer

    . . .
    . . .
    . . .
    I got nothing.

  • Internet Hitler
    • Martini Ambassador 🍸

      Oh well, now naturally the judge has to award him custody. It just makes sense.

      Seriously though, I hope those kids get away from him and never, ever have to see him again. What a toxic individual.

      • Yes, there’s nothing that tells a judge and jury that “I’m a good father to my children” than telling them you smoke pot, get amnesia after a bowl of chili, and cheated on their mother. Pillar of the community!

    • memzilla Ω
      • Internet Hitler

        I recommend a large bowl of chili to anyone who has just watched his show.

      • CindyinEncinitas

        On the fucking record. For all posterity to marvel at.

      • Stulexington

        So much for that not being a crazy wingnut deposition.

  • Martini Ambassador 🍸

    As per the new dictates to the press, unidentified sources are automatically fake news. Although in this case, it’s probably actually the case.

  • PressSecretaryCaptainHowdy
  • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

    The “CENTCOM spokesman” in the Hill story doesn’t sound like any of the steely-eyed missile men you’d expect to deliver the official word from any part of the military. In fact, the unnamed source sounds more like some loon in an online comments thread.

    Anybody seen George P. Burdell?

  • Vincent Ricola

    “President Trump said prior that once he gets in he’s going to kick the S-H-I-T out of the enemy. That was his promise and that’s exactly what we’re doing.”

    These trump dickheads don’t even try to sound convincing.

    • Contemplative Ron

      Maybe they’ve realised no-one will believe a word of it anyway.

    • Erala Contratista

      H E double toothpicks yeah!

      • puredog

        I think you misspelled H-E-toothpick-hockeystick.

    • MassiveQuantitiesofPie

      Why should they try? They’ve already gotten away with fraud, election theft, corruption, treason, and probably a murder or two. Making an idiotic statement like this pretending to be CENTCOM is small potatoes next to all that. They’re flaunting this shit in our faces now because they can. Because their fellow GOPers, who control everything, don’t give a shit. They’re as stupid, crazy, and evil as they are.

  • Contemplative Ron

    And, in case we need reminding, these are the people running the most powerful and dangerous military machine in the history of the WORLD.

    • Internet Hitler

      But apparently (if you can believe him and his budget) being more powerful than the next dozen or so countries on the list isn’t powerful enough. Just what is he planning that he thinks he needs so many bullets?

      Is Bannon the zombie apoc patient zero?

      • Jack Rogue Tenhet

        He looks cast for the part.

      • puredog

        Hey! Happy Birthday!

      • MassiveQuantitiesofPie

        To be fair, the US military pretty much has to be that much stronger than everyone else’s because we have so many protective obligations to so many other countries. We’re obligated to protect and defend any and all NATO allies, South Korea, Japan, Israel, and Jordan, and among many others. If North Korea attacks South Korea, for example, the South can’t defend themselves and defeat them on their own. They need US firepower from the air and US Navy ballistic missile defense. Same with Japan and that’s assuming China doesn’t take the North’s side.If they do, our wartime deployment will need be massive. And we have to do that while keeping our presence in the Middle East and NATO so that ISIS, Assad, Putin, etc. don’t use the distraction of the Korea situation to invade or attack an area under our protection.

  • Cousin Itt de La Résistance

    Dang it. Every time I hit SENTCOM button to send an emale to Fox News, all I get is a DUD.

  • Michael Smith

    Hahaha so this spokesman was basically straight out of the right wing war hawk’s wet dream, in which he explains that Obama’s politically correct wussiness (or was it outright Muslim sabotage??) had been hampering military success for the past 8 years, and that now that Big Strong America Man is in there, the military is finally going to be allowed to kill the way God intended.

    • Duke

      Locusts?

  • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

    Was Fake CENTCOM Spokesman Trump, Stephen Miller, Or Random Breitbart Commenter?

    Yes.

    • PubOption

      AOTK?

  • BadKitty904

    Now I’m wondering who at The Hill thought that twaddle made any sense? It sounds like an interview with a 5th-grader playing “army-man”…

    • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

      Oh yeah? Well, my uncle drives a tank, and he’ll blow up your house.

      • BadKitty904

        See?

  • memzilla Ω

    Meanwhile, the Pentagon is refusing to release a bomb-damage assessment of the MOAB drop in Afghanistan, claming that Vietnam taught them that using a body count was the wrong metric.

    However, “on Jan. 20, for example, it said a B-52 bomber strike killed more than 100 militants at an al-Qaida training camp in Syria. That same day, the Pentagon said more than 150 al-Qaida operatives had been killed by U.S. strikes since Jan. 1.”

    The Afghan government claimed about 90 militants were killed, but the Pentagon has not confirmed this number.

    • Cousin Itt de La Résistance

      But Fox News reported that eleventy millions terrists were kilt.

      • Anna Rompage

        Someone should really drop a MOAB on Faux Noose…

        • Toomush_Inferesistance

          I thought O’Reilly already did?….

      • georgiaburning

        20% of the ships in the ISIS air force!

        • The Wanderer

          I heard that ISIS was researching into fitting birds with bomb vests.

          • Zippy W Pinhead

            they’re still debating African vs European swallows

          • georgiaburning

            Fine, send the entire Duck Dynasty clan over there on a sekret mission

    • Clearly it was the yoogiest, most beautiful bomb strike ever – CENTCOM spokesman John Miller

    • Sheepshagger

      Ghost Westmoreland gave a Ratio of 147 million millitants for one C130 pilot developing occupational overuse syndrome. It’s a wash, get on board for the big win.

    • Erala Contratista

      PURE militants!

  • Yellerduck

    Just DT blowing his own horn and swallowing.

  • ariel_gee_398

    He should go with the mustache. It makes his mouth look less like a prolapsed cat anus.

  • Does anyone remember General Haig suddenly deciding he was in command after Reagan was wounded? Trump has hired an entire cabinet of Haigs, and everyone thinks they are in charge of anything and everything, all at the same time.

    • BadKitty904
      • Good call, I was thinking more of the Keystone Kops, but I couldn’t come up with a good third K to make it fit for the Trumpenstiens.

    • Rick Hill

      Well, that’s not actually too far off the mark, since every meeting with them proly ends with “Yeah, whatever. Just do it if it works.”

    • not_vh

      i dodn’t know about it, untill saw an entire episode of The Americans dedicated to it.

    • Anna Elizabeth

      Yes. “I’m in charge Al”, my dad used to call him. That was a wild day.

      I met a retied USAF Crew Chief once, he had been a Crew Dog at Pease AFB. The day Reagan et al were shot, Pease loaded live nuclear bombs on FB-111s, in case the attack was a prelude to war. They sat all day, tankers facing one runway, bombers another, engines idling. He said he never knew a Hot Ramp could feel so chilling.

      • Reximus

        yikes

        • Anna Elizabeth

          Indeed. It feels like we are back in those days, impending doom all the time. It’s exhausting.

    • CindyinEncinitas

      It was hilarious. What a maroon.

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      The day the whole nation shivered….

      • The Wanderer

        I recall seeing that, and thinking that Big Al had finally stripped his gears.

    • chazmanr

      All too well. We were speculating that he would be president after Trump and Pence are impeached or put in padded cells.

    • Persistent Demme

      I remember.
      I always think of this when Trump does anything military:
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mzddAYYDZkk

  • Rick Hill

    “It’s empowering the commanders and winning the war against the bad guys,”

    So, is it an order that everyone in gubment must talk like the fool in the Oval office?(Too bad he isn’t on capitol hill. It would make a better tie in)
    Or is it just that his base can only understand it like this?

    “We’ve taken the fight to the enemy!”
    “Unnn?”
    *sigh*”The bad guys”
    “Ohh.”

  • Me not sure

    So, we’ve like so got this bomb, see? And like, dude it is so big! And then… so…anyway, bro, long story short, we totally dumped it on some bad homres in one of those “stans”, man, and shit what a boom! I was like laughing my ass off, just because, y’know? Who knows, maybe we’ll do it again in like North Koreastan, if ya know what I mean. So anyways, I gotta run, me and my buds are gonna smoke a few an then hang out at Sammy’s place cuz he bought this really righteous keg of some kinda craft beer, man.
    Later.
    Your Friend,
    Centcom

    • Duke

      Not sure you meant it, but I can see where the tokes are.

      • Me not sure

        Righteous!

        • CindyinEncinitas

          Um, you sound like my next-door neighbor, bro. Are you going to the La Paloma Theater today for the 4:20 showing of The Big Lebowski?

          • Me not sure

            Be more specific, man, I’m not sure which time zone I’m in at the moment.

          • CindyinEncinitas

            Sick.

  • Reximus

    This wonkapost will be denied by the REAL dok zoom tomorrow. Probably

    • Me not sure

      If there, in fact, really is such a person.

      • Contemplative Ron

        ‘PhD in Rhetoric and Composition’? That doesn’t scream ‘fake person’ to you?

        • Me not sure

          I smell a ringer.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        who claims to live in the mythical mountain time zone

        • Me not sure

          Never been there.

          • Contemplative Ron

            I’m told I was once, but it was dark and I couldn’t tell.

          • Me not sure

            If you don’t remember it, you probably were.

  • Bebecca

    I can guarantee that we on the target assessment made sure that there’s nothing in the area, that it’s pure enemy
    Umm no, the question was about civilians. That is how unknowing and uninformed everyone in this administration is.

    • Claire

      They think all brown people are enemies. Including toddlers, scientists, the elderly, etc.

  • Thorn Spike

    Oh, there was something steaming, all right, but it wasn’t an armada.

    • Cousin Itt de La Résistance

      Cleveland just called and wants their clams back.

  • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨
    • The Wanderer

      Here a right Charlie. A bigger twit I haven’t seen today.

    • BadKitty904

      Deranged Old Man Loose on Twitter: Film at 11…

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Asshole with tattoo of an asshole on his back demonstrates that he’s an asshole.

      Film at 11.

      • Good_Gawd_Yall

        Must be a day ending in “WHY? WHY? Why, gawd, is this happening to us???”

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      this guy gives the rest of us microcephalics a bad name

      • puredog

        ZIPPY FO-EVAH!

      • Shucky Ducky

        One of you! One of you! Gibble gobble!

    • Opalescent Riddles

      “Stone’s Forehead Recedes another 5cm. Film at 11.”

  • Suttree

    So par for course that everything coming out is horseshit, until it’s been triple-checked.

  • boredcatlady

    Stop me if you’ve heard this one before but Trump, Stephen “incel” Miller and a Breitbart commenter walk into a bar…

  • Crystalclear12

    Too much batshit crazy for this processing unit.

  • Beanz&Berryz

    “Fly swatter,” like a cruise missle? “Bad guys?” “Empowerment?” Fuck. That fuck-face fake isn’t even trying to sound military. And. Trump wouldn’t know what a fly swatter is, so it’s some other Trumpskin lying faker fuck. And CentCom can’t figure out who …. what’s the word … for online impersonating ..,

    Maybe: CentCom was press release came fished and they’re not tracking down the fucker?!

    • Little Doll–MOAMF

      “Bad guys.” That’s a Trump favorite.

  • OrG

    Huh, sounds like this “spokesman” is full of S-H-I-T.

  • Chadwells

    Why didn’t The Hill smell a rat? They been in the game long enough.

    • BadKitty904

      THAT’S what I don’t get.

    • Contemplative Ron

      Given the complete absence of anything like competence or even ability in the current administration, it could be that their spider-sense is just dulled from overuse.

      • Chadwells

        That’s fair. And scary as fuck.

        • Contemplative Ron

          Agreed. It’s like we’re slowly being conditioned to shrug our shoulders when the REAL terror begins.

          • Little Doll–MOAMF

            JFC. That IS scary. We’re not frogs in slowly heating water, we’re just so used to it boiling now we won’t notice when it starts exploding?

      • Little Doll–MOAMF

        It starting to happen to all of us. Apparently, according to Snopes, Trump did give the hat back to the kid. But it was extremely easy for me to think he’d pull a dick move on a child.

        • Persistent Demme

          But he threw it in the video.
          Was that a fake?

          • Little Doll–MOAMF

            He threw it back to the kid, but the camera angle didn’t catch that. They had footage from another angle, and he tossed it back to the kid.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Why do I think it was John Barron?

    • BadKitty904

      Carlos Danger? Bat Guano?

      • The Wanderer

        That’s Major Bat Guano.

        • BadKitty904

          Sorry, General Ripper, sir.

        • Werewolf

          Major Payne N. Diaz.

      • Persistent Demme

        Any relation to Guano Faucet?

  • Cousin Itt de La Résistance
  • Remember the good old days of Dubya when stories of incompetence, corruption, leaks, and inept statements were a once a week or once a month occurrence? Good times, good times.

    I never thought I’d feel nostalgic for that.

    • Contemplative Ron

      Hell, I’m feeling nostalgic for the days just a few months ago when there was only one fuck-up a DAY from these chuckleheads.

      • georgiaburning

        Now they’re experienced and fully engaged.

    • stubbornirishlass

      “There are known knowns. These are things we know that we know. There are known unknowns. That is to say, there are things that we know we don’t know. But there are also unknown unknowns. There are things we don’t know we don’t know.”

      Seems virtually insightful now, yeah?

  • Toomush_Inferesistance

    I’m sure it was from someone on the administration’s National Security Council, who just happened to be playing with their yoyo in the Pentagon hallways that day…

  • CindyinEncinitas

    It was Ivanka.

    • BadKitty904

      I’m guessing it was either Uday or Ixnay.

      • The Wanderer

        It could have been Amscray or Onay.

        • BadKitty904

          Possibly Upay or Otay.

          • The Wanderer

            Those are members of the Alllickersbay Family?

          • marxalot

            Ida Noe and Hu Mi

          • puredog

            Or Onanway.

  • Nick Scroggs

    I am a cocksucker with no pubic hair. I did not write that, I do not know who did that, none of that is true, they were not authorized and it does not reflect on the great Nick Scroggs organization.

  • i’mjustaskingthequestion

    Okay half way through the piece but my ADD won’t let me continue until I comment on the big bomb drop. One fucking bomb on a single target. And all of a sudden they are turning Afghanistan around.

    And he gets “credit” for this nonsense?

  • Chadwells

    OT: Any one see that Ivanka is not doing her book tour citing….wait for it….ETHICS…LOLOLOLOL!!!!

    http://thehill.com/homenews/news/329790-ivanka-trump-cancels-book-tour-citing-ethics-concerns

    • The Wanderer

      BWAHAHAHAHA!

    • Contemplative Ron

      What, did someone on her staff develop some?

    • BadKitty904

      I’d think that whole family would be afraid of ETHNICS…

    • Jamoche

      Misread it as the book cited ethics, and just no.

    • puredog
    • Claire

      LOL WHAT.

      In fairness, though, she’s a Trump. I don’t think they share a common definition of “ethics” with the rest of the world. To her it could mean “things that keep me from damaging my brand.”

  • Nick Scroggs

    It was a White House cleaning staff guy.

  • Toomush_Inferesistance

    Okay, that’s it. Time for the Mount Gay….

    • BadKitty904

      Would you like a straw with that?

    • The Wanderer

      I am drinking a New Belgium brand Tartastic Sour Lemon Ale. Tres tasty.

      • Red Bird Ω

        Too many words.

        • The Wanderer

          Like lemonade beer.

    • Me not sure

      I’m heading out for cajun, but I expect to be with you in spirit(s) soon.

  • MizzMazz

    ‘Bad guys’ and ‘dangers’? Totally Trump. Or a Trump-bot.

  • georgiaburning

    I believe that the initial deployment of the Advanced Reversible Missile Atmospheric Defense Analysis (ARMADA) went well. The boots in the field hit the ground running, and kept their eye on the ball. So to keep grabbing the low-hanging fruit, let’s be sure that we are singing off the same song sheet.
    /DODgibberish

    • Erala Contratista

      And keep your shoulders to the grindstone and your nose……That’s it, time for a shower.

  • Beanz&Berryz

    CentCom needs to find this fucker. A fake CentCom press release could start a big, serious war.

    • Contemplative Ron

      Could that be the plan all along? To start some stupid fight that wiser (ie military, and consider the implications of THAT a moment) heads would have shut down before it began?

      • BadKitty904

        It would certainly benefit Russia to create – directly or indirectly – confusion in America’s chain-of-command.

        Just sayin’…

        • Beanz&Berryz

          The Russians would have done it better

          • BadKitty904

            True. But since they’ve hired local “workers”…

          • Lamashtar

            Contractors screw everything up..

          • Claire

            Yeah, going by what they’ve done so far, they seem clever, if unsubtle. This was just fucking dumb. Like no one was going to check the release number, really?

    • Lefty Frizzell

      That’s why I bet Miller. So much arrogance, no fucking boundaries, no fucking idea what he’s getting into.

      • Lamashtar

        Not just him. A Guardian article on Cohen-Watkins and the CIA said that the CIA was angry at him because he fired their liason, an old Marine, and kept trying to bypass their chain-of-command “the way that Ollie North did to avoid Congress.”

        Someone in the comments said that Cohen-Watkins wasn’t just buddies with Kushner, he had family connections to Kushner’s set.

    • Claire

      Yeah, I think I speak for all of Not Brain Dead America when I say I’d rather fake CentCom releases were discouraged from happening again.

  • Lefty Frizzell

    With all this confusion is it possible that the Trump team gave blanket authority to someone to use whatever weapons but they don’t know who that was?

  • Chadwells

    Well….. the “period.” points to Spicey McFactface.

  • “No, no, this isn’t Donald Trump, this is General…. Mills… of CENTCOM. Yes. General Mills of CENTCOM. Believe me. I am no where near as handsome, witty, and charming as President Trump is who, by the way, gets all of the hottest women. They love me, I mean, him. They love him. General Mills signing off now. Definitely not Donald Trump.”

    • Riley Whodat Venable

      Not Captain Crunch? Or Major Payne?

  • Vecchioivan

    Pentagon official photo of MOAB target.

    http://www.factzoo.com/sites/all/img/insects/ant-farm.jpg

  • Red Bird Ω

    It’s the butler in the pantry with the rope. Also, too, has anyone even seen what Flynn is doing these days? Sounds like he might be dictating military strategy to people via text.

  • Jack Rogue Tenhet

    My older brother was career Army. He’d been deployed to every war zone from Nicaragua, to Panama, To the mid-east through the course of many administrations. When he enlisted, Carter was President. When he was forced into medical discharge, he’d been in Afghanistan.

    He was part of the squad that rescued that Black Hawk in Somalia. He never bragged about that or anything else he did. I only know he’d been there because he turned down a bronze star for it and my mother showed me the paperwork.

    That said, this doesn’t scan. One consistency with this particular brother is that he has NEVER criticized a President. He hasn’t to this day and he’s a civilian. You just don’t do that. You don’t talk about past administrations or current ones in any kind of negative way.

    I have really don’t believe these statements were issued by true military men who served at the pleasure of the President. This does not even seem like reality. Even with my family, in private, my brother NEVER talked politics and always left the room when my oldest brother would go on a rant.

    This is total bullshit.

    • Persistent Demme

      Having grown up on military bases, I’ve seen this firsthand.
      You’re absolutely right.

  • not_vh

    “In this administration, the military is given empowerment to do what we need to do.”

    reeks of DJT, same hyperbole as “If elected, Mr. Trump, I can state unequivocally, will be the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency.” and any of these hyperbolic sentences about “Mr. Trump’s prestigious businesses” etc etc.

    • BadKitty904

      Um, one of the major purposes for which the federal government was created was to keep the military subject to civilian authority.

      • Contemplative Ron

        Which works fine as long as the civilian authority doesn’t consist of utter morons and mental defectives.

    • Jamoche

      I’m pretty sure real military people know that sometimes what they “need to do ” is *not* drop the biggest bomb they’ve got.

    • Persistent Demme

      When I first read that, I thought, “Huh?” and had to read it again.
      It’s a bunch of ungrammatical nonsense, so I guess it could be Trump.
      (Or Miller.)

  • Lefty Frizzell

    I bet it’s Stephen Miller. Now Page, Nunes and Chaffetz are all grounded there’s not many other ignorant weaselly little shits that can sound quite that arrogant.

    • cmd resistor

      I would have voted him as well. Even though I think some of the words are much like what Trump said to the Maria FOX person, they could have easily originated w/Miller, who could have loaned a few to Trump for his interview.

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      I agree. This has got dead eyed Baby Goebbels written all over it. Military people might speak this way to each other, but this would never go out in a press release. I hope Mattis rips him a new one
      1. For speaking for Cent Com if he wasn’t authorized to do so
      2. For saying the things he did.
      Twerp.

  • Contemplative Ron

    Hmm. Continuous thunder. Possibility of tornadoes.
    I think I shall shut things down here for a bit. Catch y’all later.

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    Man, I missed so many great commenting ops today because “grrr jobs” and “adulating sucks.” So let me just say:
    Huckabee headline – not even the story – made me throw up in my mouth a little.
    Fux Gnus apparently is starting a new anti-crime pilot program: just pay crimers enough and they’ll (hopefully) stop criming!
    Scott Brown: Bqhatever
    Fake Centcom spox: I’m actually surprised none of you have suggested Jared, as he seems to be the Jared-of-all-trades in this regime.

    • hendenburg2

      So how were you adulating?

      Or (hopefully) were you the one receiving adulations?

    • laineypc

      Paying people to stop criming is a program the police tried and had success with in Richmond, CA gangland. I heard it on the NPRs.

  • Lucas Foxx

    I agree. Definitely not DJT. Complete sentences and multi-syllable words. I was thinking Jared or Bannon or even Rience-and-Repeat (Rinse-your-Pubis, whatever). Stephen Miller might be a good guess. But my money is on the only person there I can imagine spelling out “S-H-I-T”: M-i-k-e P-e-n-c-e.

    • weejee

      Didn’t repeat words time after time after time after…

    • puredog

      Not Jared’s style, as best as I can determine.

      • Mike

        Jared has a “style”..?

        • Claire

          Aging Frat Boy. It’s very popular with his crowd.

      • puredog

        Maybe I should have said “M.O.”

    • An Outhouse for the Resistance

      good catch. Definitely Pence.

    • C4TWOMAN

      I would guess Pence too. He’s the only one high enough in the food chain, besides Trump, to weather the fallout if he was found out. Technically the POTUS and VP are part of the military chain of command. Anyone else might be risking criminal charges.

      • bobbert

        VP is not.

  • Reximus

    Jeff Sessions, USAG, may not be a good law-talkin’ guy

    “Attorney General Jeff Sessions, chief lawyer of the United States
    government, continued the Trump administration’s relentless attacks on
    the judicial branch, insisting he’s “amazed that a judge sitting on an
    island in the Pacific” has the Constitutional authority to block Donald
    Trump’s travel ban.”

    • weejee
      • Reximus

        I guess he majored in Cracker

        • SeeTrain65

          That’s the fact, Jack.

    • BreakingDeadMen

      Hawaii has only been a state since 1959. Sessions and his ilk don’t recognize government actions post Brown V. Board of Education as legitimate.

      • Me not sure

        …really post 13th Amendment.

        • Riley Whodat Venable

          Post Appomattox.

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      Amazed that an ignorant racist goober from the most backward state in the country gets to be Attorney General.
      Old and long, but a classic:
      https://youtu.be/DaHG1x2Bg84

      • ConnieHinesDorothyProvine

        Trivia: A Shot in the Dark wasn’t the first time that Peter Sellers and Herbert Lom co-starred. They both appeared as gang members in The Ladykillers in 1956.

        • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

          It’s timing , expression and delivery, but I think “How does an idiot join the Police Department” and the answer, is one of the funniest lines in film..

        • SeeTrain65

          Still an under-appreciated classic, IMHO.

  • BreakingDeadMen

    I think it’s John Miller

  • PressSecretaryCaptainHowdy
    • weejee

      None balls, nicht eins.

  • Shanzgood

    Anybody else on a phone get this that causes weird sideways skewing/stretching of the threads and sometimes screwed up notifications? Everything is good when the buttons are all lined up below each other.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/cdd896f10651daee9965a1ebb3c69ce928c17170c98747da46a41a543a52968d.png

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    My money’s on Steve “Better not fire me or the leaks will really start!” Bannon.

  • TundraGrifter

    I think it sounds very much like President Trump. Perhaps his unique syntax has rubbed off on others.

    • Mike

      Nah, he would have repeated himself 3 times min. and said he bombed France or sumptin stupid.

      • rachelmap

        Y’mean something else stupid.

      • TundraGrifter

        What that spokesperson said is pretty damn stupid.

        Just sayin’…

    • C4TWOMAN

      A clever person on his staff might go to the effort of SOUNDING like Trump on purpose…

  • Greyhame

    Stephen Miller would be a safe bet. You know that little shitheel nazi fuck would just love to dial-up reporters and pretend to be a spokesman for CENTCOM.

  • doktorzoom
  • puredog

    That is — very weird. I mean, even by this Administration’s standards. “Doesn’t anybody here know how to play this game?”

  • jaspersdad

    Reality TV in the oval office. Elect a clown, expect a circus.

  • Reximus

    Trumpie no love Wikileaks anymore, seeking extradition

    JA must have the PeePee tape

    • DainBramage

      Makes sense, if you want to eliminate witnesses. Once JA is crowbarred out of that embassy, Putin can squash him like a bug.

      • C4TWOMAN

        Yeh, if JA has two brain cells he’ll stop whinging about being hard done by and stay put.

    • ConnieHinesDorothyProvine

      I don’t think that Agent Orange ever liked WikiLeaks.

  • jaspersdad

    Deflect, distract, deflect, distract, deflect, distract… The Trump administration is an ineffective embarrassment of epic proportions.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Deflect, distract, detect, retract, divert, dissemble, defame, imply, contradict, confuse, conflate, derail…

      It’s a verb-rich environment.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        You forgot the big one: “deny”.

    • Deflect, distract, or DD has been GOP SOP For a long time now

  • Poly_Ester

    But then trump would the the one to kick civilian control of the military into the dust bin of history through “Total Authorization” and “empowerment of the commanders,”

  • Shibusa

    My money is on Dr. Harold Bornstein as the Hill’s CENTCOM spokesman.
    https://i.ytimg.com/vi/trBxq1em-mo/hqdefault.jpg

    • mailman27

      Never forget.

      • SeeTrain65

        “Forget what?” – “Doc” Bornstein

  • DainBramage

    It was Barron Trump. Kid’s gotta make his own fun.

    • Chris

      Well, he does know the cybers…

  • AJ Milne

    It really doth have that slow-freight Trump misadministration quality, all right… Geez, some of that stuff sounds like it’s straight from Case Nightmare Orange himself. ‘Frankly’, huh? Now where else did we hear that bit…

    I suggest if the speaker does turn out to be career of any kind, they be quarantined until the exposure wears off, and they can answer simple requests to pass the salt without talking about their electoral college tally. A few weeks away from Twitter, at the very least.

  • Mavenmaven

    “Pure enemy” that’s a good term for our new administration.

  • Stulexington

    Isn’t impersonating an officer on the illegal side? Unless of course it was some one else within the chain of command …

  • Scooby

    Did the guy have a Russian accent?

  • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

    I am guessing it was Melania.

    SHUT UP! Nobody said it had to be a good guess!

    • phoenix00

      Not enough plagarism.

  • shivaskeeper

    When the original statement was reported I said to myself, said I, “There is no fucking way that is an official statement. No PAO anywhere, ever, would give that statement under any circumstances. Just, no.”

    For all intents is appears my initial though was correct. The issue with having anyone from CENTCOM tell us who made the original statement, is they probably don’t know. If it was in fact a military person, they could find out and bring the wrath of God down on them for doing something so stupid. A career will be ruined. This would be a court-martial level thing for embarrassing an entire Command. If it turns out to have been a random civilian, there really isn’t anything the military could do other than turn the person over to local authorities.

    If it was in fact someone in the Admin posing as the CENTCOM PAO, They may or may not be thrown under the bus, but nothing real will be done about it.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      So Generalissima KellyAnne?

    • SFC Sphinxor

      I agree. The fact that CENTCOM disavowed the statement without saying who made it implies, in my opinion, that it was someone above them. My money is on that prematurely balding motherfucker Steven Miller.

      • Claire

        The evidence seems ambiguous with regard to whether they actually disavowed it, though. It seems as though either someone miscounted on the release number or that was faked as well.

        • SFC Sphinxor

          Hmmm, whatever happened to that Deez Nutz guy?

          • Claire

            I feel like Deez Nutz would be smarter than this. Maybe it’s Gary Johnson. I would nominate Paul Ryan, but I envision him pursing his mouth in disapproval at the use of the S word.

          • SFC Sphinxor

            Doubtful. He mentioned specific place names like “Afghanistan,” so that probably disqualifies Johnson.

          • Claire

            Damn. That’s true. I’ll have to go back to the drawing board on that one.

          • mailman27

            Going with Deez Nutz. I think you’re on to something.

  • Angela Ruzzo

    We have the greatest military in the world? That’s news to me. What have we won lately, exactly?

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Great budgets?

    • 451 Byrnes

      The second Battle of BullShit, in Appropriations Valley (Just north of Appomatix on yer map…)!

  • MynameisBlarney
  • chascates

    Before inauguration Trump said our military was the laughingstock of the world and now it’s incredible?

    And isn’t it weird that Trump called himself ‘John Barron’ and years later named his latest deduction ‘Barron’ as well?

    • Claire

      Maybe his kids’ names aren’t so much names as assigned functions. Barron is supposed to be his apologist and PR guy and come along after him to scrub his image in the history books. Ivanka is supposed to be his wife with one additional letter to distinguish her from the last iteration. The imagination fails with regard to what Uday and Qusay are supposed to be, but Jared is clearly The Son That Never Was, and supposed to be the President whose glory will all go to Trump.

  • major_asshole

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/51984226254eb800799e2f3d9d199b7dbefac1c78fe704a06b4df8208a8e9023.png

    Holy shit Rachel retweeted Wonkette.

    (Yeah, I came in just to post this screenshot.)

    • DT

      I just came to the screenshot in this post.

  • laineypc

    1. This could easily be solved with one of them forensic linguistic types. There should be a TV show that features this investigative technique.
    2. The Hill did post an update with the correction, but you have to read to the bottom to know there is an update. And it’s not a sufficient “boy are we dumb and we are sure sorry for not journalisming good” mea culpa.

  • ConnieHinesDorothyProvine

    It’s easy to laugh at their idiocy, but I have a disturbing feeling that Drumpf and his acolytes are going to get us all killed.

    • Moar Wordz

      I know, I’m having nightmares abt. Batman logo shaped fighter jet shadows filling the sky like the Dark Mark, only x infinity :-(

  • foog

    At first I was all “it’s gotta be Trump, or a random Breitbart commenter (but I repeat myself)”. But then I saw that our mystery man used the word “empower”, which is not only not in Trump’s vocabulary, it is precisely the kind of word that a twatwaffle like Miller would use thinking he’s clever and appropriating sjw leftie cuck idiom to say stupid awful shit. So I’m going to have to go with “Miller” for 500 points on this one.

    • Persistent Tennessee Rain

      YOU WILL NOT QUESTION HIM!!!!!

    • cheetojeebus

      Miller : Waylon Smithers

      • foog

        The heart of a Waylon Smithers, with the face of a Monty Burns.

  • Ken Shabby

    How long before there is a ‘Where’s Carl Vinson’ comic? Maybe change the name of the Ship to the USS Waldo.

    • Old Man Yells at Cloud

      Carl is probably with Carmen Sandiego

      • phoenix00

        They do hop from country to country.

        • VirginiaLady

          The Philadelphia project part Deux?

    • Moar Wordz

      Ahhhh, that’s beautiful, you’ve made my evening, Sir

  • Somecallmetim

    Oh my god. I hate Ted Nugent

  • Old Man Yells at Cloud

    We know it wasn’t Lil’Donnie himself. There were no mentions of the Electoral college.

    • Little Doll–MOAMF

      I see a minion writing it, but Donnie overseeing and adding some of his favorite words, like “bad guys.” Oh, and making sure this military stranger praised him and the administration, which to him is the same thing.

      It’s slightly more well-written than he would be capable of, but he definitely took part in this charade. “John Bannon” strikes again.

  • Moar Wordz

    ” That 👦 wasn’t speaking for us.”
    No, no he wasn’t.

  • Sterling Mossed

    Chuckie Schumer, no doubt….

    • Hairstrike Alpha

      Donald? Nah, even Trump isn’t this brain damaged- you must be Eric.

  • Sterling Mossed

    Maybe more fiber in your diet may help your mood…and some prunes, lots of prunes…you seem to be full of…something, not sure what…..
    Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello?
    Echo’s and the smell of burning hair, must be a liberal Blog…..

    • ez

      Thanks for playing.

    • From Russia with Love

      Maybe you should get less Republican jizz in your diet.

  • Sterling Mossed

    Is that Elizabeth Warren next to Bill O’Reily?
    WOW, she should NOT leave the house without makeup, DAMN
    https://img.wonkette.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/oreillyailes-238×178.jpg

    • WomanInThePersistence

      You really need to find new hobbies, you silly person. Btw, your father was a hamster, and your mother smelt of elderberries.

      • Vacuous Virgina

        Don’t taunt him a second time 😈

        • LesBontemps

          Fetchez la vache!

    • PressSecretaryCaptainHowdy

      No, she is much prettier. But that is, indeed, Bill O’Reilly on the right.

      • Phoenixdoglover

        Makeup artist should get an Emmy.

    • Chris

      Not your best effort dear, but do keep trying.

    • TootsStansbury

      Poopyhead.

    • wavicles

      After – Before

    • kareemachan

      You know, I really, really, REALLY like the “block” feature….

    • Hairstrike Alpha

      Stop showing us pictures of your mom and dad, Mongo. Now go back to beating into Hitler anime girls having a golden shower on good old Donnie Trump…

  • Phoenixdoglover

    twerp
    twərp
    noun, informal
    a silly or annoying person
    Syn: Stephen Miller

    • SeeTrain65

      “The three twerps were one twerp short … AGAIN!”

  • Subliberal

    What is a “spox”?

    Why are people not speaking English anymore? Seems to me the job of a reporter is to explain and not use technical jargon to obfuscate. Jesus God, I hate everybody this morning..

    • wavicles

      spokesperson

  • wavicles

    -Not a single “Believe me,” either.-
    Clump’s got an app fer that. takes ’em all right out.

  • VirginiaLady

    Sounds like one of the very new kids who got hired because his parents made him get a job and out of their basement.

  • fawkedifiknow

    Not enough superlatives to be Spicey, either.

  • Zyxomma

    Extra points for duckspeak, Dok.

    • 🛶🗣️ Mr Canoehead 🛶🗣️

      Doubleplusgood reference.

  • Sitkajo

    I wonder if its against the law to portray yourself as a military officer or representative? It seems kinda like impersonating a police officier which is illegal. Maybe Jeff Sessions could look into this hypothetical question…

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