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But he’s useful and beautiful, why wouldn’t Congress want to keep him?

Everyone was FOR SHOCKED! on Wednesday to learn that Rep. Jason Chaffetz (R-Punchable Smegma Faces), chair of the powerful House Oversight Committee, would not be seeking re-election in 2018. But why?????? We speculated that maybe he is all dirty in the Trump Russia scandal, and doesn’t want to fuck up the 2018 election for Utah Republicans. We also speculated that maybe now that Hillary Clinton is out of the picture and he can’t waste time investigating her, he feels God has abandoned him, and he spends all his days and nights these days in the halls of Congress crying about how Hillary left him all alone with unfinished investigations and blue balls. Some think maybe he’s running for Utah governor in 2020 — he hasn’t ruled it out — and that is why he won’t have time to Not Do His Job doing oversight over the Trump administration.

On Wednesday, McKay Coppins from The Atlantic tweeted a few interesting things about Chaffetz’s abrupt announcement. Apparently the Utah GOP political world was like “OMG,” and literally rending its magic Mormon underpants when it heard the news. When Chaffetz told Speaker Paul Ryan on Tuesday night that he’d decided to GTFO, Ryan reportedly was like “No, Jason, you mustn’t leave me like this!” and started sobbing into his gym towel. (Allegedly.)

And then there was this:

O RLY? Um, if he is running for Utah governor in 2020, why would he need to leave all of a sudden right now? HMMMMMMM? (Still going with “dirty.” Maybe the FBI visited him in the dark of night and was like “Bro! Bro! What’s that on your face? OMG THAT IS YOUR FACE. Anyway, you are going to jail soon.”)

Well, now it’s not just a “senior Republican in Utah” saying he might resign early, it’s Jason Chaffetz saying it, with the sounds that come out of his own gross word hole:

Drip. Drip. Drip drip drip. DRIP! Sounds like he’s in big trouble mister, but FOR WHAT? Is there a #scandal a-brewin’? Is it the thing we wildly speculated about how some young male or female intern did sexxx affairs with him? And if so, did they not notice his bad face? Meh, maybe he is about to be indicted in the Russia thing and Vladimir has a tape of him with pee hookers, so he’s running away as fast as he can.

OR MAYBE! McKay Coppins, scooping up more scoops, with his scoop scooper:

Ummmmmmmm. OK, we guess we understand. After firing such a sexually attractive he-beast as Bill O’Reilly, because he couldn’t stop sexually harassing everyone, Fox News might be wanting to go more in the direction of an unfuckable puke stain who probably doesn’t sexually harass everybody, because Mormon Jesus says that’s not allowed.

But does Fox REALLY think humans want to see that face on their TV screens every night? Was the mutant love-child of Trey Gowdy and Ted Cruz not available? Also, the FBI can serve warrants at the Fox studios just as easily as they can on Capitol Hill, so if THAT is what this is about …

Maybe he’s just a pussy and can’t bear the thought of doing another town hall with all those mean people yelling at him. Maybe Fox News really does want to give him a show, called “Why Is There A Bag Over My Head? With Jason Chaffetz.” Or maybe he’s going to J-A-I-L.

Spoiler alert: The answer to our questions is ALL OF THEM KATIE.

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[McKay Coppins on Tweeter]

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  • MynameisBlarney

    Yanno what? Fuck decorum, that dude is fuckin creepy lookin as fuck.

    Also, too; I hope he rots in prison with the rest of his treasonous pals.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      I don’t know who decorum is, but she sounds nice.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    Palinesque takes another step closer to being in the dictionary.

  • Nounverb911

    Chaffetz was disappointed he couldn’t question Hillary about her e-mails for 4 years.

    • therblig

      maybe he can email her

  • Latverian Diplomat

    He’s taking time off to “search for the real e mailers.”

    • Nounverb911

      “If the server don’t fit, you can’t convict?”

      • Latverian Diplomat

        If the candidate’s a Dem
        Investigate ’em again!

  • vivian

    “World’s First Human-Hamster Hybrid Steps Off Wheel to Cash In”

  • memzilla Ω
    • therblig
      • Shawn Renee Ernoehazy

        I want a poodle, not to groom him in circus like fashion, I just think they are cool dogs. Of course I also want a retired Greyhound, an Airedale Terrier, a Pharaoh Hound, a basenji, and an italian greyhound. A Border Collie to keep our McNabb Herding Dog busy would also be nice. This is why my husband will not let me go to the local SPCA alone; I would bring home all the dogs that pass a meet and greet with our current dogs. The two small dogs really belong to my son (he can’t/won’t take them to his current home) so we really just have one dog.

  • Anna Elizabeth

    I’ve seen Angels fall from Blinding heights
    But You yourself are Nothing so Divine
    Just Next in Line!

    Something tells me Chaffetz is worried about Dancing to Danny Deever.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    “I served my purpose, now I get to be rich, right?”
    — Jason Chaffetz

  • MynameisBlarney
    • Wild Cat

      Can’t stand that twee phony.

    • georgiaburning

      Left wingers can be grifters, too

      • MynameisBlarney

        I don’t think that what he’s doing is grifting, is it?

        • georgiaburning

          I used to listen to TH’s radio show but it started to seem like an inverse RWNJ. His going to RT sealed that for me

    • MassiveQuantitiesofPie

      Yeah, he and Schultz sold their souls to Putin.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    I get them confused, too. It’s NUNES who will go to jail, and Chaffetz to Fox News.

  • Crank Tango

    Given that he’s got a face for radio, sure why not put him on Fox. Only the ladies need to be former beauty queens, apparently, for some unknown reason.

    • chortlingdingo

      Well that’s pervasive in Hollywood too. No matter how slovenly the dude is, he’s always inexplicably married to a hot, thin, (usually) much younger woman.

      EDIT: See, Kevin James.

      • Thiazin Red

        I remember seeing a chart with the ages of male stars and their on screen love interests. They start the same, but the love interests stop aging around 30-35 on average.

  • msanthropesmr

    Can they at least pretend to care about governance?

    • ariel_gee_398

      Not until governing pays the prevailing grift wage.

    • OrG

      Magic 8-Ball-My sources say no.

  • Lefty Frizzell

    To me he’ll always be the little puke who got shredded by Cecile Richards.

  • Oblios_Cap

    I’m rooting for “jail”.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Considering that, as WaPo notes, Tucker Carlson has mommy issues, maybe FOX News wants to have a backup plan in place in case they have to give him the heave-ho as well…

  • Villago Delenda Est

    LOCK HIM UP! LOCK HIM UP!

  • Mpeg

    The only televised appearance — and I mean the ONLY thing I can imagine enduring on my teevee screen of this menace’s face – – is if he’s playing one of those Snap, Crackle, or Pop elves.
    Like they had in commercials 30 something years ago.
    Which I’d be fine with never seeing again. Chaffetz, you’re ancient history already. Adios, O Elfish-eyebrow’d weasel with a fetish for meritless investigations!!

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Hey, a lot of us got our start that way.
      — Jeff Sessions

  • Thanks Evan, hope you like this
    https://youtu.be/wbXbM6HJ7Oc

    • anwisok

      I don’t know about Evan, but I just emailed myself that link so I can watch it when I get home. I want to take time to carefully observe his, uh, technique. Yeah, “technique.” That’s what I’m going with.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    But does Fox REALLY think humans want to see that face on their TV screens every night?

    “Have you seen some of the people we have on our shows? This guy would be an improvement FFS.”

    – FOX News

  • Oblios_Cap

    After firing such a sexually attractive he-beast as Bill O’Reilly, because he couldn’t stop sexually harassing everyone, Fox News might be wanting to go more in the direction of an unfuckable puke stain who probably doesn’t sexually harass everybody, because Mormon Jesus says that’s not allowed.

    So he’ll have to wear his magic underwear on the air?

  • Chadwells
  • Duke

    Does he have hot legs?

    Oh, wait…

  • Mary Sandoras

    Since I read he “wants to spend more time with his family”, that’s code for a sexual affair with someone other than his wife.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Some woman married him? Poor person.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      I thought the code for that was “teaching Sunday School”

      • therblig

        or “on your knees, giving thanks”

      • Lefty Frizzell

        “Hiking the Appalachians”

      • Only if the abused party is under age

  • therblig

    and to think he almost showed integrity and/or balls once by denouncing candidate orange pussgrab because of his pussgrabbing.

    almost.

  • Lefty Frizzell

    He’s like an amusement arcade distorting mirror version of Tony Blair.

  • Treg Brown
    • jesterpunk

      So he is going the Sarah Palin route and quitting now because work is hard then he will run again in 2028 hoping everyone forgets about him by then?

  • goonemeritus

    I’m sure he is looking forward to the no holds barred sexual tinderbox that has made Fox News so popular with its anchors.

  • I hear Aeroflot has nice companion fare discounts to Novosibirsk. Representative Chapstick should call Carter Page. Maybe they can book the same flight out of here, the FBI hot on their chickenshit heels…

  • Jenny

    Sexxy time scandal!!!

  • Proud Liberal
  • JMP

    Now I’m guessing a sexual harassment scandal, since being a harassing creep is a apparently a job requirement for all men who work there.

    • Jenny

      Yeah public corruption seems like a thing you stay on the job for if only temporarily for the legal coverage.

      Spend time with family is because the wife is taking half your shit if you don’t get away from your intern.

  • Bill D. Burger

    That melting face fucker should grace a prison cell ASAP.

  • ManchuCandidate

    So ends the saga of Jason and the Golden Fleece(r)

  • Hobbes’ Evil Twin

    I guess since nothing is beyond the realm of possibility anymore, Faux “News” could set up a nice little studio in a Club Fed.

  • schmannity

    Scabbers Chaffetz has to leave the House before he turns back into Peter Pettigrew. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/df718ba848eaf9ea90695fcbcf418d38cc6c997a1627d334ab055a3cc80283ff.jpg

  • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

    And brave Sir Jason ran away!

  • anwisok

    Am I a bad person if I hope it”s because he’s going to jail? Because, I hope he’s going to jail, and I don’t really care if that makes me a bad person.

    • jesterpunk

      We might need to build a few more of those private prisons Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III likes so much to hold all of the republicans we need to lock up.

      • WotsAllThisThen

        Those prisons aren’t for Republicans. Sessions thinks it’s time we started really cracking down on violators of the Fugitive Slave Act, after such lax enforcement by the Obama administration.

        • jesterpunk

          I know but it would be great to throw them all in a private for profit prison so they can see how shitty they are.

      • Querolous

        Now that there is a new sheriff in town, Maricopa County is no longer using that tent city jail. Reuse, reduce and recycle!

    • Vincent Ricola

      I want him to go to Guantanamo jail and I don’t care if that makes me a bad person either.

      • jesterpunk

        oh can we throw Hannity in there too? Its been 2920 days since he said waterboaring isnt bad and he would do it for charity.

    • MynameisBlarney

      Why would hoping a traitorous criminal douchebag goes to prison make you a bad person?
      If anything, I’d say that makes you a really fucking GOOD person.

    • ariel_gee_398

      I think we should build a moon prison. Get our space program back in gear and make sure these fucks are as far away from government as humanly possible.

      • MynameisBlarney

        Not a bad idea actually.
        We’ll send ’em to the lunar prison via Acme Catapult.

      • Contemplative Ron

        They can keep busy by running the oxygen and water extraction plants and growing their own food. That way there’s no need to waste money hiring personnel for the prison. Heck, send ’em there in unmanned landers. Think of the savings!

        • Trip Space-Parasite

          I’m not sure how you send someone in an unmanned vehicle, except maybe with votes. But that would be okay!

          • puredog

            Like a Ballmer rough ride. Rough landing.

          • Contemplative Ron

            I was thinking the same way as they brought in all those African ‘immigrants’ 300 years ago. Pack ’em in tight enough and they wouldn’t even need crash padding.

    • Shibusa

      His twitter handle will change from @jasoninthehouse to @jasoninthebighouse

  • Bill D. Burger

    Fun and interesting discussion:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7uRiXeFnIKE

  • Crystalclear12

    OK, this is played out, I’m outta here!
    Chaffetz

  • Bill D. Burger

    ot….but Trump’s demanding that he wants to repeal Obamacare and ram through the deadly GOP ill thought out FUBAR replacement in the next week.

    Republicans react: “Where’s the goddamned exit? I want out!”

    http://omoss.io/img/gif/verizondoor_gif_0001.gif

    • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

      In the next week, while Congress also needs to pass a CR to keep the government running.
      It’s like a 12-car pile-up being hit by a meteor.

    • wait! what?

      The Sims 5: World War Z

    • boyblue122

      His first 100 days are almost up and wants any victory at all no matter what the political cost

      • schmannity

        He could just claim he shot a 68 and go golfing again instead.

      • calliecallie

        Hey, he found his battleship at least. Can’t he claim that as a victory?

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      So he wants them to commit political suicide so that he can have a “win” on his record. With his 40% approval rating and the results of Tuesday’s election I’m sure they’ll get right on that.

    • The Wanderer

      “They’re all clogged up at the gloryhole, Vic!”
      “Right you are, Ken! That’s the secret to good gloryholing – make sure you can fit without chafing.”

    • Perkniticky

      That one guy on the left didn’t even get anywhere near the door. Must be Nunes.

  • OneYieldRegular

    Turds go in, turds go out, you can’t explain it.

  • boyblue122

    Without Hillary in the WH, he actually has to work for the people of his district instead of running phony email investigations

  • Kiri the Unicorn

    OT- Seen on a license plate frame, minutes ago:

    “I’d rather be watching Quatermass And The Pit

    • The Wanderer

      I like that flick.

  • canes_pugnaces

    Chaffetz is the direct result of what happens when an inexperienced surgical resident transplants a face onto a sex doll. Take the bandages away and, behold: Jason ‘Fuck Face’ Chaffetz.

  • WotsAllThisThen

    What, CNN couldn’t offer enough money?

  • DerrickWildcat

    He must have been hiding his molesting skills.

    • boyblue122

      An Exxon waiver is basically like lifting all sanctions on Russia since theyd be working with Russia’s state oil company and Russia’s whole economy relies on oil

    • Creepoman

      Who said they couldn’t accomplish something in the first 100 days!

    • starfanglednut

      This, aside from shredding the safety net and decimating civil rights, is the entire point of the trump presidency. It’s why the Russians put him in, and why Tillerson got SOS.

  • jesterpunk

    Please take Steve King with you Jason, I would still hate you but if you took him with you it would be better for the country.

  • MynameisBlarney

    Apparently, the situation in Venezuela is getting really fucking crazy.

    https://www.democraticunderground.com/10028954771

    • Jennifer R

      GM is framing it as their plant being seized.

      • MynameisBlarney

        What could you call it when Venezuelan authorities take control of the facility?

        • Jennifer R

          Depends, has GM been as bad as Coke or Dole?

          • MynameisBlarney

            Or Union Carbide.

  • AndyC316

    This is all super CRAZY interesting and all, but when do these dopes go to prison?? Because if they’re shitty enough to, you know, commit TREASON to get Dummy #1 Trump into the Oval, what’s to stop them from, I don’t know, starting a nuclear war with North Korea to stay out of jail?

    • Contemplative Ron

      Nothing at all, which is why sensible people are so frakking scared.

      • ariel_gee_398

        Does Trump have any properties in California or Seoul? That might be enough to discourage him from starting war with North Korea.

  • The Wanderer

    He’s petrified that his wife will find out about his DC boyfriend.

    • snark-lurker

      WE HAVE A WINNER!

      • The Wanderer

        (bows)

  • Hmm… there’s an awful lot of smoke around the GOP these days.

    I’m going to wildly speculate and say that it’s because PizzaGate was created to try and distract us all from their own secret pederasty ring involving underage Russian pee hookers of both genders and Vladimir is blackmailing all of them.

    • Randy Riddle

      Where’s there’s smoke there’s burning Russian dossiers.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    My bet is on Russian money finding it’s way into his pockets for keeping up the Hillary investigation.

  • Anna Elizabeth

    OT – Ima about to go out for a walk. I’m conducting makeup and costuming tests for a proposed amateur production, involving myself and former MI6 Officer Christopher Steele. Working title My Thighs, Only For You

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/5785846da558a5d3689d40994c02250b8c386b90ea921df18655e8e35fafb8bf.jpg https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/f7f3a1f5a47234068602e71f24c3c2ed737eac18265bbee4bb7c9b25dd1c8d5a.jpg

    • snark-lurker

      i approved this message

      • Anna Elizabeth

        He’s a Silver Fox flinger, was a slick Trigger Finger for Her Majesty
        Will he fulfill Tall Leggy Redhead Anna’a every Fantasy?

        XD

        • snark-lurker

          you are licensed to kill…with style

    • Contemplative Ron

      I like that more natural bright auburn on you.

      • Anna Elizabeth

        XD Just the way the light hits it, Hun. :) Thank you.

  • Me not sure

    When Trump’s pussy grabbin’ tape hit, Chaffetz swore that he couldn’t look his girls in the eyes and support Trump. Then he flipped and supported Trump. Here’s to many family evenings around the dinner table gazing at his own navel.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      Or his daughters.

      • Me not sure

        “Our eyes are up here, Daddy!”

  • Suttree

    Gawd is calling him to go to whatever planet would accept him. Because it sure ain’t this one!

  • MynameisBlarney

    Lest we forget, It was ol’ Chafenutz that…

    https://www.democraticunderground.com/10028954936

  • georgiaburning

    Is he over being a Mormon, too?

    • SayItWithWookies

      Not if the scandal involves a few extra wives.

  • OrdinaryJoe

    Poster boy for a man who’s reach exceeds his grasp.

  • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

    He doesn’t exactly have the Faux News look, does he?

    • Anna Rompage

      If he opts for the plastic surgery that most of the women on that network undergo, he might be able to make the cut…

      Anyways, it’s not like Steve Douchy is any kind of looker… I think the attractiveness requirement only apply to the women on the network…

      • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

        I think at some point it gets out of plastic surgery territory and goes into face transplant territory.
        In a catty mood today, for some reason.

      • Well, if he gets some breast implants and shaves his legs…

        No, he’d still be ugly as hell.

    • Iron Monkey

      Face like a dropped pie.

  • Spurning Beer

    Dead underage girl or live Russian.

  • Anna Rompage

    I’m wondering if he knows that Trump, and the GOP are going to go down soon, and is trying to abandon ship before he gets caught up in it all…

    • Shibusa

      If he’s innocent, he’d have no need to do that. He’s dirty up to his eyeballs.

    • Courser_Resistance

      I find it very heartening that as assholes come forward wanting immunity for testifying, the universal answer has been, “Nope, no immunity for you!”

      • Paul

        In other words “HAHAHAHA, fuck off. We got more than enough evidence on you, traitorous asswipe.”

  • Iron Monkey

    He has a face made for Fox Radio.

    • CB

      …and the charisma of a potatoe…

      My bet is not on a future career in media…

  • OrdinaryJoe

    There is something up with this fellow. He is clearly trying to get out in front of a shit storm that is brewing on his personal horizon.

  • dslindc

    I can absolutely see him going to Fox. Jason is first and foremost, a fame whore of the highest order.

    • ltmcdies

      with the screen personality of a damp towel….

  • Mavenmaven

    Probably some man on boy sexytime since treason and corruption doesn’t seem to bother anyone these days.

  • Anna Rompage

    Now that Irishman, Billo is gone, Faux is looking to fill some position with another minority…

  • theblackdog

    *starts chanting* Scan-dal! Scan-dal! Scan-dal!

  • Randy Riddle

    Jail and FoxNews aren’t necessarily exclusive of each other.

  • He’s too not pale enough for prime time Fox.
    I am betting scandal. Especially with that shit about making announcements

  • Marceline

    Question: if Chaffetz quits does that mean a special election?

    • boyblue122

      Probably like there was for Tom Price’s seat in GA

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      That’s why I agree there’s some type of scandal going on. Unless you’re Sarah Palin, this type of thing isn’t done. He’s gotta believe that he has no political future whatsoever.

      • Marceline

        And it’s got to be criminal. I don’t believe he would do this for a sex scandal. We’ve seen Repubs don’t care about that or anything else as long as they can stay in power.

        • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

          The LDS might see that differently. Trumps pussburgling didn’t get overlooked as much in Utah as it did elsewhere, although in the end he still carried the state.

          • Boscoe

            Ok, so there’ll be some lip service before they look the other way then. ;P

    • tapp_my_wire,please

      Yes, But Scott Brown won’t be moving to UT to run. He’s going to New Zealand to pretend to be ambassador.

    • Flashman

      Maybe Carly Fiorino will run for his open seat.

    • Cliff Hendroval

      According to Reuters, the Utah Lt. Gov. is already setting one up.

  • Perkniticky

    Lock him up! Please?

  • SayItWithWookies

    The real question is whether he’s going to register as a retroactive foreign agent before he resigns or after.

  • Courser_Resistance

    Part of what of what really galls me about these grifty fucks is that they’re SO FUCKING BAD at it.

    Honestly, all the Russian bullshit isn’t James Bond, it’s fucking Spy vs Spy!

    • sadboy

      Agreed. Politicians used to actually try really hard to keep up the appearance of propriety while looting everyone’s pockets. Now they don’t even bother.

      We deserve better from our elected crimimals.

  • Michael R

    Why do these people bother to show up at all ?

    https://s21.postimg.org/u9xhw0n1z/chaffetz_sucks.jpg

    • TundraGrifter

      I’ll bet it’s been a long time since he opened someone’s kimono.

      • Jeffery Campbell

        God, that phrase is repellent. Somebody used it in a meeting the other day and I had to ask them to:
        via GIPHY

      • therblig

        i bet he goes on pornhub and searches for “kabuki”

        • TundraGrifter

          Remember what Woody Allen said. “Sex is only dirty if you do it right.”

  • Turns out governing isn’t as much fun when you actually have to come up with working legislation instead of constant bullshit repeals and investigations.

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      Everyone wants to be the scrappy rebels- nobody wants to be Palpatine, even if they think they do.

  • tapp_my_wire,please

    A nearly mummified Orrin Hatch is up in 2018 and should be having security checking his brake lines.

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      …and securing his pillow to the bed…

  • Bub, Zombie of the Resistance

    That header pic…ChafedNutz is definitely edging towards the front in the “Most Punchable Face” competition.

  • Toomush_Inferesistance

    Evan, the “mutant love child of Trey Gowdy and Ted Cruz” is not a nice way to refer to the Governor of Florida, FYI…..

    • Raan

      Right. The proper honorific is “That Damned Old Goggle-Eyed Snapping Turtle”.

      • BrianW

        Upvoted for George Gordon Meade reference.

        • Raan

          I’m just glad someone got it.

          • BrianW

            You’re in my wheelhouse there.

    • Boscoe

      Wait, Trey & Ted begat Bat Boy? I never knew! But now that you mention it, I can see the resemblence…

  • Bill Slider

    I am voting for AOTK. First, he announces he will run for governor. Then, he goes to jail. Does it really matter on what charge? Finally, FOX hires him as their inside reporter for jail, as half of the Trump team will either be in jail already, or sent there soon thereafter.

    • Meccalopolis

      The inside whitehouse

  • theblackdog

    Jasey Wasey pudding and pie
    Bengazied Hillz to make her sigh
    When #Resist came out to play
    Jasey Wasey ran away.

  • TundraGrifter

    Mr. Hurst: You know I’m a fan, but “…literally rending its magic Mormon underpants…” is really in poor taste. Mocking someone else’s religion is just a cheap shot. You’re better than this.

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      In Evan’s behalf, I really believe he was mocking underwear…

      • generalleeme

        I mock magic mormon underpants daily…they are #fakenews

    • keenanjay

      If I recall correctly, pretty much every religion is lightly mocked here. But being an atheist I don’t have strong feelings to defend any of them.

      • TundraGrifter

        There are so many good shots just waiting to be taken. Why settle for a cheap one?

        • keenanjay

          True. Perhaps I’ve watch too many episodes of SpongeBob Squarepants to not see the humor there. I’m sorry.
          I respect honest spirituality, but I hate dogmatism and Mormons seem more dogmatic than most.

          • Boscoe

            Also more batshit. Seriously, what’s next, worrying about the inherent intellectual quality of Wonkette’s Xenu jokes? C’mon peoples.

    • Yr. Gma

      Snark does not discriminate.

    • Grumpy Twat

      As an overseas atheist, can I ask what the problem is? I thought it was funny.

  • exinkwretch

    I wish Rep. JockItch well in his next endeavor, as long as I never have to see his greasy rat face again.

    • puredog

      I want the twofer of him failing miserable AND not having to look at his greasy rat-face again (though I wouldn’t mind a terse head’s-up when he fails miserably, just to ensure my RDA of schadenfreude).

  • Jennifer R
  • eggsacklywright

    From AGC Main Page Blind Items. Please proceed to speculate.
    This A- list politician looked like he had a fast rising political
    career. Now? Put a halt to it which is a big shocker. Reason? The buzz about
    those multiple affairs was going to leak. He is hoping that calling it quits
    will keep those affairs out of the limelight. Jason Chaffetz.

    • chicken thief

      He’s from Utah. Couldn’t he just marry them all?

      • you are cracking me up today, thanks!

  • Jgb979

    Palin actually entering the White House sent out national waves of quitting to fuckwits everywhere?

    (Or closet full of underaged)

  • canes_pugnaces
    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      I think there’s a stage or two to go until the “Human Like” level…this is like Stage Three of Lumpy Gravy….

  • Edith Prickly

    Rats, sinking ship, something something?

  • orygoon

    Western states with Great Outdoors and smallish populations are good targets for Democratic takeovers. Looking at you, Utah and Idaho. Unfortunately it will take a damn long time.

  • Toomush_Inferesistance

    Okay, my turn: the donald has a long history of revenge. Jason dissed him badly on the campaign trail. Owning national security has opened up new vistas of blackmail info for the donald. One of these vistas pointed to nefarious financial relations between Jason and some of the k-street folks, the ones donald doesn’t like, because they aren’t the ones who make him any money. Mitt Romney heartily approves….

    • sadboy

      Not an unreasonable speculation.

      • keenanjay

        That’s setting the bar for reasonable speculation awfully low, but okay.

  • HogeyeGrex

    ♫Some-body’s goin’ to jaaaaa-iiiil♫

  • Rickyphoo

    Maybe he got one of those scam phone calls supposedly from the FBI that someone in his household was about to be arrested for some unspecified charge. However, if he will call the number provided and give them money and/or his Social Security number, birth date and bank account information the charges will magically go away.

    • Once&futureFred

      Ya, That reminds me of the “FBI” virus that was going around, “Your PC has been locked for illegal activity, child pron etc” pay $300 to make this problem go away..as if $300 would get the FBI off your ass..lol. Some people must have paid because it was around for months.

  • The Rad Hatter
    • Red Bird Ω

      Just noticed the Dark Crystal avi.

    • laineypc

      He figures he’ll get out of jail sometime between 2020-2024. That would be enough time to get a campaign together.

  • “M”
  • Flashman

    Based on his appearance and character, I am inclined to believe that Chaffetz is still a virgin.

    • “M”

      He says he has a daughter.

      Of course, after the “grab them by the …” tape came out, he also said he couldn’t look her in the face again if he further defended 45, so …

      http://taoofindifference.files.wordpress.com/2013/01/kanye-shrug.jpg

    • chicken thief

      Oh, ya? Then why the sheep so nervous around him?! Answer me that if you can!

  • Tio_Doidinho

    I’ll take “compromising video of dalliances with underage boy scouts” for $400, Alex.

    I know the rumors are that he owns a business that’s riddled with dirty dirty Russian money, but I’ll take cheap sexual slander over financial shenanigans any day.

    • tinker12

      It would be irresponsible not to speculate.

  • Slamtundra

    Man, that dude looks like he’s wearing an ill-fitting and itchy human skin suit. In that first picture up there especially. It’s pretty obvious he hasn’t quite figured out the facial controls yet.

    • “M”

      #ProofThatMIBIsReal

  • boyblue122

    Utah is already preparing a special election to replace Chaffetz

    https://twitter.com/Reuters/status/855120041452457984

    • puredog

      Do we like Evan McMullin? I mean, not everywhere, but as electable in Utah?

      • jowgajen

        Do they only have the one District? I mean Evan was fine, for a Republican.

        • puredog

          I don’t know. I didn’t think anyone had only one district, but then I read yesterday that Montana does. I think Utah is too populous to have only one. [Does that newfangled Goggle thing that’s all the rage with the kids] Four districts.

          • jowgajen

            Sort of a pointless question, because we learned yesterday that you don’t have to live in your district, only your state. Also apparently 5 California Congresscritters do not live in their district. Trufax.

          • puredog

            Do we know that residency rules for Congress are a matter of federal law, and don’t vary from state to state? Seems likely.

        • Cliff Hendroval

          Utah has four.

      • Yr. Gma

        McMullin is gay. Republicans Mormons can be only semi-tolerant for short periods of time.

        • Red Bird Ω

          Really?

      • Nasty Candy Apple

        As a former Mormon and current Utah resident, I’m suspicious of Mormons with power, because the truly faithful ones are always beholden to follow whatever the Prophet says. But I do grudgingly like McMullin, and as Utah choices go, he’s far more palatable than 99% of the others.

      • JohnW

        Apparently he is a real republican, he has over $650k in campaign debt that he is unable to pay……

    • Internet Hitler

      Sooner or later congress would just get tired of him making those fart noises by blowing on his hand like that.

      • CindyinEncinitas

        It’s not that funny any more, Jason! Gawd!

    • timpundit

      I’m sorry but no one in his position just up and decides to quit unless some big-ass thing is about to become public.

      • Erala Contratista

        And the state can’t just whip up special elections either, also.

  • Buzz1313

    Hilllary used her connections and dug up something juicy. She says” Bounce or this goes public” It’s payback for what he did to her on Inauguration Day.

    • chicken thief

      I would actually love that!

    • puredog

      Hopefully, he bounces then it goes public anyway. She deserves it.

    • Nasty Candy Apple

      If Hillary was actually involved, he would have been Vince Fostered to death!!1!

  • puredog
    • TundraGrifter

      I wish him well with his future endeavors.

      • Carpe Vagenda

        I hope he’s exactly as happy as he deserves to be for the rest of his life.

        • Meccalopolis

          I hope he gets everything he’s gotcomingto him

          • Carpe Vagenda

            Oh, don’t be stingy. More.

      • Boscoe

        Bless his heart.

    • YoBunnyBunny

      Me and my evil laughing Hillary gifs eagerly await the official announcement…

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      The latest from C and L was that he might leave as soon as tomorrow http://crooksandliars.com/2017/04/chaffetz-may-be-leaving-dc-his-term-ends

  • Manhattan123

    It’s worth noting that on April 12, Louise Mensch, a former conservative member of the British Parliament, and currently employed by Rupert Murdoch’s News Corp. – and someone with sources in the intelligence community – tweeted out: “Sources say there is kompromat on Jason Chaffetz that this is why he turned and that FBI know it”

    “Kompromat” is compromising information, an old KGB trick of luring powerful people into comprising situations and filming it. (Some say they have that on Trump himself.)

    But Chaffetz sure did bail out rather unexpectedly, didn’t he.

    • Notreelyhelping

      Anybody here follow Mensch?
      I read her sometimes when someone like Claude Taylor or John Schindler retweets her, but I’m not entirely comfortable with her either (maybe cause she’s a Tory and I wonder about hidden agendas).

      • ltmcdies

        I follow. I do find sometimes her road to some conclusion is pretty tortuous and convoluted…OTOH….she tweeted to watch for Jason to get into trouble early April and here we are today

        • Notreelyhelping

          She seems to be right a lot when my first response is “no way,” but she also seems to be wrong when I sometimes think “that’s reasonable”–it’s the damndest thing.

          By the way, there’s been a lot of chatter this week about indictments next week. Who knows, but if Chaffetz is exiting sooner than later….

          • ltmcdies

            this is why I follow Louise…she tweets and retweet some interesting observations. Apparently this Trump donor lives in a parking lot, building site…?????

            https://twitter.com/christinawilkie/status/855114727361589248

          • Cliff Hendroval

            111 Sylvan Avenue is technically in Englewood Cliffs, not Englewood.

          • therblig

            according to njactb.org, 111 sylvan avenue is owned by LG Electronics USA.

          • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

            Stopped clock and all that…..
            That Trump recording allegedly being taken to Moscow seems out there enough to be plausible…..

          • Roni Raven, Just Microwavin’

            What has she been wrong about that you thought was reasonable?
            Not arguing–I don’t have an opinion one way or the other.

        • Mike

          She tweeted a Palmer Report link…Bill Palmer has been way ahead of just about everyone when it comes to Trump/Russia…an opinion blog, but well worth the read.
          http://www.palmerreport.com/politics/heres-a-partial-list-of-the-times-palmer-report-was-early-to-a-story-and-subsequently-vindicated/2358/

      • Manhattan123

        I don’t follow her Twitter. The first time I became aware of her was on Bill Maher’s show, of all places. She was on the panel a few weeks ago and when she was introduced as a former Conservative MP and a VP at News Corp. I was not expecting much. Was surprised that she actually was pretty anti-Trump on the show.

    • laineypc

      He turned? As in the Russians turned him and now he’s working for them? Or maybe he’ll be a double agent and become confused where his loyalties lie…god I miss Homeland…

  • William

    Have you people no shame? The mans desk isn’t even cold yet. https://www.facebook.com/DumpTrumpDaily/videos/426723191018089/

  • chicken thief

    “But does Fox REALLY think humans want to see that face on their TV screens every night? “

    Maybe they still have the butcher that worked on Greta on retainer?

  • calliecallie

    Maybe he’s got a gig doing next season’s Dancing with the Stars.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      Are Mormons even allowed to dance? Or is that just Baptists?

      • YoBunnyBunny

        Oh, I have it on good authority that Baptists do dance… in church even… and its not always that “praise dancing”…

        • TakingAmes

          But they don’t have sex standing up.

      • calliecallie

        I googled it. Here’s the answer:

        Yes, Mormons are allowed to dance (good, wholesome dances). But they should not be doing any inappropriate dancing.

        • Nasty Candy Apple

          I was a Mormon in high school. You can slow dance, but you must leave room for a copy of the scriptures to fit between you. And for Mormons, the scriptures include not just the Bible, but the Book of Mormon, Pearl of Great Price and Doctrine and Covenants. Packaged together, they are a good 6″-8″ across.

          • AnnieGetYerFun

            So, technically, a couple of the boys could still make contact?

        • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

          They also love to play the ponies. There’s a rural horse racing circuit that’s a big deal when it comes to town.

      • Red Bird Ω

        Most of their pro dancers are from the Mormon school of ball room dance.

      • Manhattan123
  • Swampay

    Hey, it worked out ok for Quitter McGrifty Face up there in Alaska.

    Wait, whatever happened to her?

    Wait, I don’t want to know.

    • YoBunnyBunny

      Getting her tundra muck all over the White House with Ted Nugent and Kid Rock…

      • Anna Rompage

        It’s gonna take forever to rid the White House of the bed bugs they bring in….

        • timpundit

          Bed bugs if lucky.

      • NellCote71

        Did you ever think you would write those words six months ago?

  • Nasty Candy Apple

    As a Utah resident, I don’t care the reason, because all of this is fucking delicious and gives my cold, dead, charcoal brickette of a heart some small glimmer of hope for a brighter tomorrow.

    • Peripatetic Poltroon

      Sadly, I’m confident we can find someone just as reprehensible to fill Chaffetz’s clown shoes.

  • Red Bird Ω

    Here’s my hot take. Jason is part Asian. No seriously, I think he has blood on his hands and is worried about it coming back to hurt him. So, he’s dotting his i’s and crossing his t’s before things come out. My guess is he’s been working on this since the white house turned orange back in November.

  • gratuitous

    Chaffetz’s Twitter handle is Jasoninthehouse. Maybe it’s taking a little time to find out if Jasoninthebighouse is available? At which time he’ll resign and go to jail, go directly to jail.

    • therblig

      jasonandthehorse, kellyandthedonkey, potato potahto

    • phoenix00

      Do not collect $200.

  • Joe T.
    • therblig

      i see chaffetz as more Whelk material

  • Hairstrike Alpha

    He quit because there’s no fucking way a Republican head of an oversight committee can come out unscathed with Donald Trump in office. Simple game of damned if I do my job and damned if I don’t do my job. This douchecanoe wants to be governor.

    • laineypc

      Rats, sinking ship? Maybe all the Republicans are going to abandon their posts and run for governors.

  • An Outhouse for the Resistance

    He does realize that if he’s going to be on FOX News, he has to move to New York, right?

  • Mike

    Putin has kompromat on Jason and he’s just distancing himself from the administration so when Comey starts handing out indictments this summer we’ll all have forgotten who this douche bag was…not likely.
    My guess is it’s money laundering…I suspect Putin financed a lot of the Rep Pac’s with dirty money laundered thru the Cyprus banks and other nefarious players…NYAG Schneiderman is building RICO cases against the Trump family and all the players..no way Sessions can it.
    Word around town is both Rootie Tootie and Manafort are hot for some kind of deal and want to talk…Comey wants to land a big orange fish…

  • pianoplayer1

    I think he will go to work for Exxon/Putin.

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      Wasn’t he already doing that?

  • Erala Contratista

    Drip. Drip. Drip drip….Cannonball!

    • phoenix00

      Nitroglycerine will do exactly that.

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    Well, we’ve theoretically stopped the Congress to K Street pipeline. Can we stop the Congress to Fox News pipeline now?

  • Cliff Hendroval

    Don’t know if it’s been posted below yet, but the Lieutenant Governor of Utah is already setting up a special election. Young Jason is quitting tomorrow.

    • rachelmap

      OK, that is weird. If it were any other state but Utah, I would assume they were doing this to make sure a Dem didn’t take the seat. But it is Utah, and she has next to no chance no matter when they hold it.

  • Shibusa

    #Chaffexit!

  • Poly_Ester

    Will he be participating in the John Boehner early retirement plan? You may remember John, the Speaker of the House, who retired suddenly to spend more time with his liquor bottles.

    • lurch394

      Mormons can’t do that, so maybe he’ll spend time with his undergarments or his wives.

  • BreakingDeadMen

    I noticed his bad face. He looks like a villain in a comic book drawn by Steve Ditko.

    • Anna Elizabeth

      LOL you’re right!

  • Dg Hacket

    Quitting to spend time with his family before he’s dragged away in chains and spends the rest of his god given life in a privately owned supermax prison.

  • JurisGal

    ““Bro! Bro! What’s that on your face? OMG THAT IS YOUR FACE. Anyway, you are going to jail soon.”)” I LOVE it!
    Maybe’s going to be the new O’Reilly. Maybe he already is…

    • Up In Smoke O’hontas

      It would be irresponsible not to speculate…

  • Johnny Appleseed

    Instead of a cot in his office, he may find a bed (and a nightly guest) in Prison more to his liking. Either way, he’s living off the taxpayers.

    I believe he has seen some of Comey’s evidence and decided he won’t be the House Chairman to get Trump fallout on him. He’s already endured going home to hear it from the locals over the “Repeal and Replace” fiasco.

  • mfp

    i had always just assumed the last stop before prison is foxnews

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Prison or a multi-million dollar get-lost deal.

  • Scooby

    Did he steal Michael Jacksons nose?

  • Matthew Hall

    Calling them “magic Mormon underpants” is very disrespectful! Please call them by their proper title, “wizard robes.”

    • therblig

      10 points for Grifting Door!

    • The Reverend Stu’

      They do come with a magic hat & magic seer stones… Or is it magic 8-ball? I can’t remember which?

    • lurch394

      “Huh. Huh. He thed ‘whith.’ Russian hookerth are hot.”–Butthead

  • The Reverend Stu’

    He really does look like he came out of his mother’s asshole & not her holy vajajay…

  • Everrett Fanuelli

    Chaffetz needs to take some time off so his facial features can finish developing.

  • David Farrell

    Thank you Evan, yes!! puke stain is the perfect image for this man, lovely work with paul ryan on health care recently, its advanced to use dumbass twice well in a single sentence-, takes oodles of moxy just to attempt. I’m the closest thing to real life batman I’ve ever heard of and I dont care if i misspelled moxy, it looks cooler this way.

  • Blender_415

    Chaffetz not running for re-election = run for Utah Gov?
    Chaffetz not finishing his current term = Pox News?
    Chaffetz leaving PDQ = dead little boys in his basement, possibly with video?

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Whatever it is, it is far worse than the irresponsible speculation it would be irresponsible to avoid we might imagine.

    I’m figuring that under-aged boy pee hookers is the baseline below this only gets worse.

    • Old Man Yells at Cloud

      Nah, he’s enough of a wimp with a weasel face, he’s going to Faux for big piles of cash.

  • Persistent Tennessee Rain

    How can he resign when Hillary is still out there free, roaming the streets and isn’t locked up in federal prison?

    • Jim Johnson

      And she is probably reading and sending emails from her personal server.
      When will these atrocities ever end?

    • chicken thief

      … roaming the streets – AND SHEETS WITH HUMA!!1!!!

  • Celtic_Gnome

    I want him to go to jail so bad it makes the tip of my penis hurt.

    • TheBoatDude

      I’m trying to figure out a way to use this phrase at work without HR getting involved…

      • chicken thief

        1. Get a job at Fox Noise
        2. Work it into every conversation with the ladiez
        3. Collect your millyunz in severance after they pay to shut the bitches up

  • Reality Killswitch

    OK, this is no joke! I won’t make any joke out of this. This Chaffetz dude won’t run because he knows what’s coming is ugly and he doesn’t want to be there when it does!!!!!

  • Reality Killswitch

    Where there is smoke ….

  • BillEGoatSmirk

    We all think he’s a Mormon, but use the google machine and look up how this kid was brought up…he has some serious religious confusion…the world would be better off if he was just an agnostic or atheist…. And if he just went away in general. (oh, and as I recall, his father or grandfather was an FBI agent. So there’s the added holier-than-thou attitude from a law enforcement perspective.)

    • lurch394

      Yeah, no shit. I thought he was related to Michael Dukakis’s adopted son, and I was right: they’re half-brothers. Jewish, Christian Scientist, Mormon: the head swims in that swamp.

  • Blackest Noobs

    selection # 3: he’s a pussy because of them town meetings.
    it’s the most convincing one, but he’s probably a traitor too.
    probably.

  • JParkerSD46

    Every day Fox puts on that one ugly doofus who sits next to the blonde-du-jour who sits next to Steve Douchy, so Congressman Punchy McPunchface (R – Wasted a Shitload of Tax Dollars for Nada) really won’t be the most stomach-turning face there.

  • SeeTrain65

    Lobbying job, Fox News gig … what’s the difference?

  • Keith Elmore

    His exit is suspicious, but he may running for governor.

    https://civilitycommons.wordpress.com/

    • Maybe

      Politicians often run for a higher office while holding on to their original one. Is there a legal reason he couldn’t do this?

  • Conor Gladstone

    Lovely take down Evan – the intensity of your writing gives voice to a llllot of what one can feel in this shit show of a presidency – it helps -really -thanks.

  • chicken thief

    Aaron Schock quit real quick like also too. I haven’t seen any internet speculation that the two are giving each other enamas all the time, but that seems as likely as him running for Preznit.

  • Glaisne

    Lock Him Up!

  • Zyxomma

    “unfuckable puke stain” for the win, Evan.

  • Maybe

    While jail would be my preference (preferably one of those for-profit jails so beloved of Repubs), I do feel that Chaffetz and FAUX truly deserve one another.

    Tough call.

  • Truly Madly Derply

    I heard he was quitting so he could launch an uninterrupted probe into how to get to Sesame Street. He wants to find all the corrupt CDC money funneled to Sid the Science Guy to raise awareness of the Zika virus. Joke’s on him; Sid the Science Guy doesn’t even live on Sesame Street.
    He could pop over to Venice Beach and rent out his furrowed brow to hippies and environmentalists who need someplace to park their bikes, as long as they don’t mind getting a little smegma on their tires.

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