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But he’s useful and beautiful, why wouldn’t Congress want to keep him?

Everyone was FOR SHOCKED! on Wednesday to learn that Rep. Jason Chaffetz (R-Punchable Smegma Faces), chair of the powerful House Oversight Committee, would not be seeking re-election in 2018. But why?????? We speculated that maybe he is all dirty in the Trump Russia scandal, and doesn’t want to fuck up the 2018 election for Utah Republicans. We also speculated that maybe now that Hillary Clinton is out of the picture and he can’t waste time investigating her, he feels God has abandoned him, and he spends all his days and nights these days in the halls of Congress crying about how Hillary left him all alone with unfinished investigations and blue balls. Some think maybe he’s running for Utah governor in 2020 — he hasn’t ruled it out — and that is why he won’t have time to Not Do His Job doing oversight over the Trump administration.

On Wednesday, McKay Coppins from The Atlantic tweeted a few interesting things about Chaffetz’s abrupt announcement. Apparently the Utah GOP political world was like “OMG,” and literally rending its magic Mormon underpants when it heard the news. When Chaffetz told Speaker Paul Ryan on Tuesday night that he’d decided to GTFO, Ryan reportedly was like “No, Jason, you mustn’t leave me like this!” and started sobbing into his gym towel. (Allegedly.)

And then there was this:

O RLY? Um, if he is running for Utah governor in 2020, why would he need to leave all of a sudden right now? HMMMMMMM? (Still going with “dirty.” Maybe the FBI visited him in the dark of night and was like “Bro! Bro! What’s that on your face? OMG THAT IS YOUR FACE. Anyway, you are going to jail soon.”)

Well, now it’s not just a “senior Republican in Utah” saying he might resign early, it’s Jason Chaffetz saying it, with the sounds that come out of his own gross word hole:

Drip. Drip. Drip drip drip. DRIP! Sounds like he’s in big trouble mister, but FOR WHAT? Is there a #scandal a-brewin’? Is it the thing we wildly speculated about how some young male or female intern did sexxx affairs with him? And if so, did they not notice his bad face? Meh, maybe he is about to be indicted in the Russia thing and Vladimir has a tape of him with pee hookers, so he’s running away as fast as he can.

OR MAYBE! McKay Coppins, scooping up more scoops, with his scoop scooper:

Ummmmmmmm. OK, we guess we understand. After firing such a sexually attractive he-beast as Bill O’Reilly, because he couldn’t stop sexually harassing everyone, Fox News might be wanting to go more in the direction of an unfuckable puke stain who probably doesn’t sexually harass everybody, because Mormon Jesus says that’s not allowed.

But does Fox REALLY think humans want to see that face on their TV screens every night? Was the mutant love-child of Trey Gowdy and Ted Cruz not available? Also, the FBI can serve warrants at the Fox studios just as easily as they can on Capitol Hill, so if THAT is what this is about …

Maybe he’s just a pussy and can’t bear the thought of doing another town hall with all those mean people yelling at him. Maybe Fox News really does want to give him a show, called “Why Is There A Bag Over My Head? With Jason Chaffetz.” Or maybe he’s going to J-A-I-L.

Spoiler alert: The answer to our questions is ALL OF THEM KATIE.

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[McKay Coppins on Tweeter]

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