If you needed any further proof that Trump’s plan is to slowly poison everything lovely in the world while simultaneously grinding people to dust beneath his heel just to prove to himself that he can because he is a miserable, childish boor who’s never figured out human emotion, sending a man known mostly for having been naked once in the ’80s to a nation already often slighted by the international community is one more shred of it.
Yes, Scott Brown has been named America’s ambassador to New Zealand.
Ambassadorships are frequently political gifts, mere sops to flunkies and loyalists. But New Zealand frankly deserves better than a carpetbagger so incompetent he can’t even remember what state he’s supposed to be running in. This is a guy that cribs lines from Lisa Simpson.
Since we have a lot of people in this world who like bombs and also conspiracy theories, here is one to chew over! It seems unlikely that anyone currently working at the White House knows about the ANZUS treaty but Australia is bound to defend New Zealand. Given how much Aussies love locking up immigrants and putting their racists on TV to shout at Muslims there’s really no good excuse for the Pentagon to straight-up bomb Australia, but you just KNOW that someone told Trump the Liberals were in charge down there and he’s been wanting to show them what’s what ever since. I mean, if *I* were going to start a war with Australia, I would 100% start by insulting New Zealand. I’ve thought about this.
Anyway, Kiwis aren’t dumb. Stuff, a reasonably popular NZ news site, introduced Kiwis to their new emissary from Trumpworld this way:
Dear Kiwi readers (we are sure our market share in Wellington is at least 20%, kia ora!) here are some tips about what to do if Scott Brown shows up near you:
- Do not throw marital aids at his head. The last thing we need is this guy becoming a bigger dickhead and it’s possible he’d just absorb them and add to his power. Just tell Bill English you need a dozen pizzas and then throw those.
- Find whatever you can to make signs – use eyeliner on your iPad if you have to – with the following single word: MASSHOLE. I don’t live in New England so I don’t quite understand its cultural significance, but it will resonate if you show it to him.
- This dude is a former model who loves all your favorite things. Don’t let him get all shiny and happy and forget that the man supports torture. We know all Americans look alike to you but he’s not, like, Burt Reynolds or anything. Do us a favor and don’t let him have a press conference without at least one delightful and witty rejoinder from a representative of your nation!
We had to look at whole pages of naked Scott Brown for this piece and you should consider compensating us for this public service!