SHARE

If you needed any further proof that Trump’s plan is to slowly poison everything lovely in the world while simultaneously grinding people to dust beneath his heel just to prove to himself that he can because he is a miserable, childish boor who’s never figured out human emotion, sending a man known mostly for having been naked once in the ’80s to a nation already often slighted by the international community is one more shred of it.

Yes, Scott Brown has been named America’s ambassador to New Zealand.

Ambassadorships are frequently political gifts, mere sops to flunkies and loyalists. But New Zealand frankly deserves better than a carpetbagger so incompetent he can’t even remember what state he’s supposed to be running in. This is a guy that cribs lines from Lisa Simpson.

Since we have a lot of people in this world who like bombs and also conspiracy theories, here is one to chew over! It seems unlikely that anyone currently working at the White House knows about the ANZUS treaty but Australia is bound to defend New Zealand. Given how much Aussies love locking up immigrants and putting their racists on TV to shout at Muslims there’s really no good excuse for the Pentagon to straight-up bomb Australia, but you just KNOW that someone told Trump the Liberals were in charge down there and he’s been wanting to show them what’s what ever since. I mean, if *I* were going to start a war with Australia, I would 100% start by insulting New Zealand. I’ve thought about this.

Anyway, Kiwis aren’t dumb. Stuff, a reasonably popular NZ news site, introduced Kiwis to their new emissary from Trumpworld this way:

Dear Kiwi readers (we are sure our market share in Wellington is at least 20%, kia ora!) here are some tips about what to do if Scott Brown shows up near you:

  1. Do not throw marital aids at his head. The last thing we need is this guy becoming a bigger dickhead and it’s possible he’d just absorb them and add to his power. Just tell Bill English you need a dozen pizzas and then throw those.
  2. Find whatever you can to make signs – use eyeliner on your iPad if you have to – with the following single word: MASSHOLE. I don’t live in New England so I don’t quite understand its cultural significance, but it will resonate if you show it to him.
  3. This dude is a former model who loves all your favorite things. Don’t let him get all shiny and happy and forget that the man supports torture. We know all Americans look alike to you but he’s not, like, Burt Reynolds or anything. Do us a favor and don’t let him have a press conference without at least one delightful and witty rejoinder from a representative of your nation!

[WaPo/HuffPo/MJ/Stuff/Guardian]

We had to look at whole pages of naked Scott Brown for this piece and you should consider compensating us for this public service!

$
Donate with CCDonate with CC
  • TundraGrifter

    Brown’s Off.

  • ltmcdies

    If every a guy deserves to be met by an Orc Horde, Scotty….

  • jesterpunk

    Was Scott Baio busy?

  • Painter of Goats

    I’m sure I speak for more than just New Zealand. We really don’t want to see any more pix of Brown’s down under.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      “Dude, I wax the whole business. No down whatsoever.”
      — Scott Brown

  • Anna Elizabeth

    He has a chin you can set your chronograph by.

    • Suttree

      Or break it with.

      • Anna Elizabeth

        XD Indeed. He wouldn’t be my type even if he wasn’t into brutality and torture.

  • jesterpunk
    • dslindc

      Did he wear a shirt to court?

      • weejee

        What about pants?

      • jesterpunk

        He may have taken that off when the court stopped for lunch.

    • snigsy

      Well, it is Dog Farting Awareness Day (according to BeelzeBubba).

      • jesterpunk

        That explains Alex Jones and Trump today, what about the rest of the year?

  • weejee

    Perhaps we can celebrate this and tRump’s hundredth day of incompetence next week with a shutdown. How’s yer budget coming Donnie?

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/1661ff3e2ca85023725ef1b0184b5cf08df72b40637ac6105e2ef596816e5152.jpg

    • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

      When Little Donnie wrote Muslim Ban 1.0, he wanted a 90 day shutdown to get extreme vetting in place. So-called judges decided to kill all humans by blocking the banning. The 90 days are almost up. Let’s see the extreme vetting. Unless Adolf Jr. has been too busy tweeting and golfing and eating delicious, beautiful chocolate cake to implement the border water boarding he wants.

  • dslindc

    He has always been a true son of New Zealand and not those other New Hampshirechussetts places!

    • Oblios_Cap

      Why, I have it on good word that he is part hobbit!

  • Latverian Diplomat

    Headlines from the Future:
    Dejected Scott Brown returns to US, never having found US Embassy in Middle Earth Capitol of Gondor.

  • starfanglednut

    Actually, masshole, while thought to be an insult everywhere else in the country, is a badge of honor here in mass. Because we’re assholes probably.

    And fucking Scott Brown is not a real masshole anyway. After Liz Warren kicked his butt here, he ran for senate in fucking New Hampshire.

    • Suttree

      And he’s from fucking Maine anyway. At least he was borned there.

  • maxneanderthal

    KIWI – Keen Individual Without Intelligence, as the Kangaroo jockeys say…

  • Latverian Diplomat

    “We feel like we dodged a bullet here.”
    — Old Zealand

  • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

    OK, this is some real shit…
    http://talkingpointsmemo.com/livewire/attorney-general-sessions-amazed-hawaiian-judge-block-trump-travel-ban

    “So this is a huge matter. I really am amazed that a judge sitting on an island in the Pacific can issue an order that stops the President of the United States from what appears to be clearly his statutory and Constitutional power.”

    …for brains. There are 50 States in the Union. Hawaii is one of them. You are A Idiot, and a fucking evil little gnome.

    • jesterpunk

      They still think Hawaii is part of Kenya.

      • maxneanderthal

        It’s that Union Jack on the state flag. Confuses the fuck out of the retards. They think George III is still running the place…

        • Contemplative Ron

          I wonder how many Hawaiians wish he still were?

    • Suttree

      Go back to Alabama you stupid racist piece of shit!

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      I’m amazed that an asshole from a state that literally went to war in order to keep the power to own human beings doesn’t think before he runs his fucking mouth.

      • Oblios_Cap

        Well, to be fair, Hawaii wasn’t a state during the Civil War.

        • UncleTravelingMatt

          Neither was Alabama.

    • CogitoErgoBibo

      I’m visiting my parents in Birmingham, AL and sitting next to my mom right now. I showed her the article.
      Me: “Can you guys please take him back? We’re done with him.”
      Mom: “Nope. You took him fair and square.”

      • Crystalclear12

        Your mom is mean!

        Edit: But I am sure in the nicest possible way☺

        • CogitoErgoBibo

          But not wrong!

    • Oblios_Cap

      He certainly is a stupid little fucker, isn’t he? Mean, but stupid.

      • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

        And, unlike many people of his ilk, it shows…

    • Manders

      He’s just jealous because Hawaii is a place people dream of visiting. I don’t think many would say that of Alabama.

    • ~ ☆ míkhαílα ☆ ~ 【忠実反抗】

      So…by “best people”, I can only assume that Dumpy meant “douchenozzles”.

  • memzilla Ω
    • snigsy

      So that explains why Trump has such a low opinion of NZ.

  • Cliff Hendroval

    That headline is a thing of beauty.

  • He probably knows nothing of the term “masshole”. It’s kind of odd–MA people tend to embrace it, kind of like how some drumpf followers embraced HRC’s term “basket of deplorables.” Here’s a picture of one in the wild: https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/a0b37b59dd1fa70e033081c928949c782838116f07b8b40f9e1b3285a364a9f6.jpg

    • jowgajen

      He *does* have his hat and gloves on, notes every mother ever.

      • maxneanderthal

        Absolutely, gotta keep those extremities protected!

      • But not his rubber boots.
        Mega big time point deduction. And no scarf.

        • Hobbes’ Evil Twin

          Not even bread bags.

    • That’s a Masshole, not necessarily a deplorable.

    • Oblios_Cap

      In his native environment…

    • Michael Smith

      I’d like to say to him “Isn’t it a little cold for shorts?”

    • Anna Elizabeth

      In January, when it was super cold, some male asked me “aren’t you cold”, when I was wearing, hat, scarf, gloves, Pea Coat, boots, leggings, and a skirt.

      I wonder if this guy ever gets that question?

    • Contemplative Ron

      Pro Tip: alcohol only makes you THINK you’re warmer.

  • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

    Good, he can easily go see the glaciers that aren’t melting because–as he says–Global Warming is “not proven”.

  • Michael Smith

    haha “supports waterboarding, posed nude in magazine.”

    Sounds like a very strange obituary.

  • Anna Elizabeth

    It’s interesting to me how these…things…like Scott Brown make their careers out of devaluing other human beings, yet they seem unaware that the same may yet happen to them.

  • Crystalclear12

    OK, here I go. I apologize on behalf of the United States.

    Why does this seem familiar. . .?

  • tapp_my_wire,please

    He’ll be there a week before he asks for a tour of Old Zealand cuz he’s the historically curious kinda guy.

    • snigsy

      I’m waiting for his Maori jokes.

      • Oblios_Cap

        They should divert his flight over and land him in Tasmania instead.

        • tapp_my_wire,please

          The devil you say!

        • Contemplative Ron

          They could send him out to look for thylacines. Alone. Unarmed.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    What did New Zealand ever do to us FFS?

    • dslindc

      It does seem very unfair. They do make the best Sauvignon Blanc!

    • TJ Barke

      They make us look bad! What with their more freedom and better quality of living!

  • Oblios_Cap

    I don’t live in New England so I don’t quite understand its cultural significance, but it will resonate if you show it to him.

    The original Massachusetts colony included Maine when there were only 13 of the buggers; Maine separated in 1820. Massholes are what the Northern Mainers call the Southern Mainers, since most of them migrated there from Massachusetts. It’s not a term of endearment, Hoales.

    • Vecchioivan

      Massholes is what Maineacs I know call people from Boston who spend summer in Maine.

    • Hobbes’ Evil Twin

      It’s mostly about the shitty and aggressive driving skills of people with “The Spirit of America” on their license plates.

  • Red Bird Ω

    You know who else like New Zealand?

    • Latverian Diplomat

      The Mother Country?

    • mackafritz

      Me?

    • weejee

      New Zealand is a delight.

    • WotsAllThisThen

      All of us, Katie?

  • Oblios_Cap

    What in the hell did New Zealand ever do deserve this? They even let us film the LOTR movies there.

    • jesterpunk

      Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III is still mad he wasnt cast to play Gollum.

      • Latverian Diplomat

        He couldn’t pull off the “torn between good and evil part”, always went straight evil.

      • Sessions is too evil and racist to be believable as Gollum.

        • jesterpunk

          He also kept trying to put the Nazi arm band on even after being told multiple times Gollum isnt a Nazi and isnt in the Klan.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    An announcement was unlikely to be imminent and there was a possibility Brown could be tapped for another destination, Globe sources said.

    “PLEASE, someone else take him!”

    – Globe sources

    • mackafritz

      Maybe Uzbekibekibekistan.

      • maxneanderthal

        Don’t -my ribs are hurting…

    • Shibusa

      Doesn’t Syria need an ambassador?

      • WotsAllThisThen

        Uh oh, did he say something mean to Jared? Must have been pretty bad to make Trump go, “Good news, I’m making you ambassador to New Zealand! Wait, no, I read that wrong, it’s Syria. Well, have fun.”

  • Latverian Diplomat

    “This is why we should have our own nukes.”
    — New Zealand

  • MynameisBlarney
    • Is anyone really ordering that thing?

      • jesterpunk

        My wife ordered it because she had a free drink and said it was nasty and made her sick.

      • Latverian Diplomat

        I’m typing this from a Starbucks as we speak, I’ve seen a fair number of orders just to try it…no repeat business AFAIK.

      • MizzMazz

        People are doing it on a dare. It’s getting Charbucks some free advertising, at least.

    • Resistance Fighter Callyson

      Thanks for helping me stick to my nutrition plan. That thing looks nasty AF FFS.

    • Wow, I thought the Starbucks Overlords were smarter than that. Luckily, my coffee shop of choice is Blue State Coffee, a wonderful, small chain here in the evil world of Ivory Towers. They stock my favorite tea, just for me! Love them to death.

    • WotsAllThisThen

      Hehehe… just this morning someone in line in front of me asked about that and was told very bluntly, it’s awful.

    • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

      It’s not made from unicorns, is it?

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      I hope you don’t think I had anything to do with this.

      • Shanzgood

        No, there’s no tequila in it.

    • Thiazin Red

      Based on the list of ingredients it sounds like someone came up with a brilliant scam to use up syrup no one wanted.

      • MynameisBlarney

        That, or some folks got REALLY fuckin’ high at Starbucks R&D.

        • Suttree

          Some place in Hoboken is making these fucking things for like $80 and it weighs 30lbs. http://www.eater.com/2017/4/19/15363306/taco-pizza-new-jersey-tony-baloney

          • MynameisBlarney

            There was a place here that had taco pizzas. They weren’t like that though.
            It was basically just ground beef with the store brand taco seasoning, four kinds of cheese, tomatoes, black olives. They’d top it with shredded lettuce, crumbled tortilla chips, diced tomatoes, more cheeses and tomatillo sauce.
            It was fucking AWESOME!

    • Roadstergal

      Not to defend silly drinks, but: “It’s 16 ounces of fat, chemicals and sugar.”

      OMG chemicals? Nobody told me there would be chemicals in my food and drink! :p

      ETA – after reading, yeah, there’s a lot of silly chemophobia in that link.

    • Edith Prickly

      I know. It looks like something you’d mix up at 7-11 on a dare. Keep it far away from me! https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/5f670ce9ae36fa07f33d632f8f1726a1d7d3a101dd9a840fa8ae9c844135ad91.jpg

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    In June 2016, Brown was accused in a lawsuit of making sexually inappropriate comments and putting his hands on the lower waist of former Fox News host Andrea Tantaros.

    ​He denied the accusations.

    Are there any men working for FOX News who don’t harass women?

    • maxneanderthal

      No. That’s an “n” and an “o”

    • CogitoErgoBibo

      I was thinking there must be a ton of closeted gay guys there, but then I realized they’re probably also harassing women just to fit in.

      • Shanzgood

        Really? I don’t know any gay guys but I always assumed they were better than that. Ok, maybe sometimes verbally misogynistic but not outright physical harassment. Am I just deluded?

        • Anna Elizabeth

          Openly Gay guys, yes. The guys I’ve met might be catty Bitches about fashion, but not harassers.

          Closet cases, though – they might be harassing just as part of heir “cover”.

          • CogitoErgoBibo

            That’s more what I was thinking.

          • MizzMazz

            Hi Sweetie. I unfortunately have known a few openly gay men who are misogynist to the max. That was some time ago, and I haven’t walked up to a group of ‘friends’ and heard, “Ew, fish!” in a while, but they’re out there.

          • Anna Elizabeth

            Eww, that’s sad. I have met some awful Gay guys online, mostly racist, but there was one guy that told me I was only out Trans* because I “lack the courage to be an Openly Gay man”.

            Happily, most of he Gay men I know are like our friends here on Wonkette.

          • MizzMazz

            There’s assholes in every group.

          • Anna Elizabeth

            Yes indeed. That site was supposed to be a Safe Space to come out, and I met my Baby Girl there. But it was a vile cesspool of hate for anyone that wasn’t Gay or Lesbian, and I actually avoided Gays and Lesbians for about a year because there had been so many awful people there.

            Luckily, the rest of the world has been better than that shithole.

          • MizzMazz

            Glad Baby Girl has you to support her, and that she’s doing okay, BTW.

          • Anna Elizabeth

            Thanx Sweetie. ~hugs~ I am recommitted to the fight, because of her. She’s saved me more than once. I’d kill for her, lie for her, die for her, and I’ll live for her too.

          • Shanzgood

            Ah, I see.

    • Yes, Mike Huckabee. However, they did have to make sure no goats or pigs were around when he was in the studio.

    • Shibusa

      Shep Smith?

    • Little Doll–MOAMF

      You know all them mens think those women deserve it, for being ambitious and wanting careers and shit.

    • snark-lurker

      “the lower waist”… where exsackly is this area located and i may have a follow-up quere

    • One of my medical school profs used to make a joke in her lecture about birth control methods that one of the most reliable forms was a sulfa drug, called sulfa-denial. Someone really needs to prescribe that one to the male employees of Fox News.

    • jesterpunk

      Isnt that one of the job requirements to work at Fox News?

      • YoBunnyBunny

        (FRAT) House Rules, obviously…

  • LesBontemps

    Also too, Kiwis, don’t let him sell you his daughters.

  • WotsAllThisThen

    Sure, it’s a sweet gig until you have to explain why Trump said New Zealand has always been a part of China.

    • Don’t laugh, certain conspiracy theorists are convinced that the NWO plans to depopulate the islands using chemtrails and vaccines and sell it to rich Chinese as a summer home.

  • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

    Just tell Bill English you need a dozen pizzas and then throw those.

    Or rotted kiwifruit. Waste not, want not after all.

  • Mpeg

    Wow, it’s not yet Open Thread and everywhere’s “OT” up and down a Scott Brown post. You know you’re too old-school for this shit when Scotty fuckin Brown fails to yield related snark. He for a time was the gold standard on ye olde wonkettez. #bqhatevwr

    • This has been a really really long afternoon. Maybe that has something to do with it.

    • It’s Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays

      • YoBunnyBunny

        “Thursday”. WTF is that? Today’s “Almost Friday Day”… which effectively is “Friday”.

        • Yellerduck

          Friday eve.

      • Bobathonic

        So
        Happy
        It’s
        Thursday

      • data_ninja

        Did you at least remember to bring a towel?

    • Suttree

      He’s pretty harmless for a wingnut also, too. I for one am interested in what one L is up too.

    • Edith Prickly

      His stock has fallen since Liz Warren laughed in his face and sent him to Loserville.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Do not throw marital aids at his head.

    Dafuq?

    (clicks link, watches video)

    Damn Rules for Radicals prevent me from saying which politicians in the US I wish that would happen to…

    • I am pretty sure that dildo tossing is perfectly ok in the hypothetical…..
      For example:
      HUH sure would be fitting for someone to throw a dildo at Jeff Sessions’ head, what with him being a dick head and all!

      • puredog

        Maybe one of those ancient stone dildoes.

      • Yr. Gma

        Wouldn’t a dick head attract dildos sort of like a magnet?

      • snark-lurker

        batteries…throw batteries at his dick head

    • puredog

      Except John Oliver was correct in noting that, while the Kiwi woman who threw the dildo was not charged with ANY crime, in this country if you did the same thing you’d be shot dead before the dildo hit the ground.

      • Especially in Texas, where carrying an assault rifle openly is legal, but carrying a dildo openly is illegal.

        • Shanzgood

          The NRA types are afraid of getting assaulted by dildo-wielders. It’s kind of like homophobia but ANYONE can frighten them.

    • MAOT, K? (most all of them, Katie)

  • goonemeritus

    His pickup is going to seem pretty posh to those Kiwi’s.

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      As he drives down the wrong side of the road.

  • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

    Why is Little Donnie dropping a MOAB (Moran Oblivious And Boneheaded) on New Zealand?!?

  • DainBramage

    Please don’t let this fratbro anywhere near Hobbiton. I want to go there someday.

  • Latverian Diplomat
  • Crystalclear12
    • jesterpunk

      I think we have passed small drips and are near this now.

      https://i.imgur.com/IkLEKKm.gif

    • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

      They raised over $100 million for Trump’s inauguration but only actually spent $30+ million. Hmmmmmmmmmmm.

      • Contemplative Ron

        With a surplus that big you’d think they could have hired a couple of thousand extras to fill those stands.

        • BadKitty904

          But if they spent it, they couldn’t steal it.

        • Doug Langley

          Hey, it took all they had just to hire those few.

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      Yabbut Hillary still hasn’t turned over transcripts of her speeches to Goldman-Sachs.

      • Crystalclear12

        Yes. Yes, I know. Also emails!!!!!!

  • BadKitty904

    OT: A moment of silence, please…

    Patrick, Beloved 32-Year-Old Virgin Wombat, Has Died
    He loved riding in a wheelbarrow, cuddling, and eating grass.
    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/patrick-wombat-death_us_58f65ff2e4b0b9e9848f0cff?section=us_weird-news

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      32-year-old Virgin Wombat sounds more like a defense of the Oxford Comma than a news story.

      • Shanzgood

        That was not nice!

        • Oblios_Cap

          Poor fellow. I would have rather been brutalized by the other wombats than gone all my life as a virgin, though.

          Was he a member of the Catholic clergy, perchance?

          • Yellerduck

            No. It says right there in the header he was a virgin!

          • Shanzgood

            Um, there’s got to be better options.

  • ltmcdies

    OT…Daily Show …FOX News auditions anchors

    https://twitter.com/TheDailyShow/status/855144411331743744

  • CatCafe #ShePurrsisted

    so, natch, mr. cat cafe and i are in paris where there’s been this shooting. Just to let you know that it’s kind of nuts–police everywhere, police cars racing around, sirens blaring, but apart from that, everyone going about their business. We went out to dinner in a different area (from where the shooting was), and noticed en route that it was crazy traffic, and learned that it was because a big area was cordoned off but no one knew why (there were police cars racing around then, too), but we simply walked across to the restaurant (took about 40 minutes) and again, everyone was out and about, going about their business.

    The resto was crowded and normal and by the way DELICIOUS AND AMAZING, and we walked home, and by now (it’s almost 10pm here), again, everyone’s walking around as normal, except there were dozens and dozens of police cars racing around with their sirens.

    It’s just the saddest thing–a police officer was killed, another was wounded, in the Champs Elysees area. The election is tomorrow so maybe it has something to do with that. (Huge police presence anywhere politically-related, I mean, serious, bomb squad machine gun security forces, patting down pedestrians before they cross the street). But elsewhere it’s just Paris. I hate the way news reports make it sound like it’s a city in chaos. It isn’t.

    • Yr. Gma

      Bon Nuit! Yes, the media overblows everything. Paris has more tourists to be afraid of than terrorists.

    • Persistent Demme

      I used to live in England, and I suspect France is similar in this way.
      After dealing with two world wars, there is a very stoic and non-panicky reaction to violence.
      (Unlike the hysteria and panty-wetting you see here.)
      I don’t mean to minimize the tragedy at all.
      “Life goes on” is a fundamental reaction in these societies.
      This is one of their most effective forms of resistance.

      • CatCafe #ShePurrsisted

        Yes, without question. It is the same in London. Very stoic, very non-panicky, very calm. It’s so pleasant in contrast to the U.S.. I think this is election related–it apparently occurred at an election event. Naturally our loathsome pig of a president has already tweeted out that it’s a terrorist attack and “it never ends” — when there is so far zero information about the attacker, who he was, and why he attacked. Trump is basically nothing more than a vile Russian troll, literally just trying to inflame and agitate, with active disinformation. How much longer do we have to put up with it????

        • MizzMazz

          Stay safe, and enjoy Paris. My fella says Roger the Frog is his favorite restaurant. Can’t wait to go there myself. Imagine if every dust up in Compton or the Tenderloin was called a terrorist attack?

          • CatCafe #ShePurrsisted

            Right? It’s gorgeous here–spectacular early spring weather, brisk and sunny. This was Chez Georges, over in the 2nd, one of our favorites. Great dinner including profiteroles, what can I say?!!

          • MizzMazz

            Oh I can say I’m jealous! Keep having a good time! :D

  • Yr. Gma

    I was in NZ last year. A cab driver in Auckland was laughing at us about Donnie, and then he said he knew most Americans hated the guy. This was before the tragedy of November.

    • weejee

      We arrived two days after the election. NZ Immigration wanted to know if we were fleeing and needed refugee status.

      • Proud Liberal

        I’m thinking I may do that. I feel like a prisoner in my own country.

      • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

        Jokingly?

      • AnnieGetYerFun

        And you said NO??! Because I am trying to figure out how to get there and you totally could have been my uncle.

  • Hobbes’ Evil Twin

    #4. Follow him around with a giant picture of Elizabeth Warren & Jeanne Shaheen.

  • Shibusa
    • BadKitty904

      “Was”.

      • Roadstergal

        Just wait until Brown is done with it.

        Whatever he doesn’t destroy, the current administration’s ‘full steam ahead on climate change’ policy will.

    • Indivisible Snark Tank

      I don’t see a single hobbit, orc or ent in those photos. Must be fake – Peter Jackson wouldn’t lie to me!

      • Suttree

        Those could fossilized giant tortoises. They were in the movies right?

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      Yes, beautiful. However, I do not trust people who consider ketchup to be a spicy condiment.

      • AnnieGetYerFun

        While I agree on the ketchup front, I feel like the build of the Maori man, combined with his propensity to run around tattooed and mostly naked, makes up for the fact that no one in NZ seems to have heard of acchar.

      • Suttree

        What if it’s Sriracha ketchup?

      • Toomush_Inferesistance

        It’s not just a school vegetable? Who knew? Vegetabling is hard!….

      • Iron Monkey

        If you like pristine beaches, clean air, endless vistas, snow-capped mountains I suppose. Just need a few subway stops.

    • MizzMazz

      Thanks for the lovely shots. An ex of mine had a lady friend there, and he didn’t want to leave.

  • Wild Cat

    They said at the ‘Playgirl’ photo shoot that he offered to self-fellate for a few extra bucks, but they told him they weren’t publishing something as tawdry as ‘The National Review’ would.

    • Anna Elizabeth

      Ya Burnt!

    • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

      Son of Hedgehog?

  • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

    OT: I noticed many (all?) of Little Donnie’s tweets are like fortune cookies: Better if you add “in bed”.
    https://twitter.com/justpixelz/status/855149008641294337
    https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/855142466034556928

    • Anna Elizabeth

      Nice! :) I’ll never look at Hair Drumpfenfuhrer’s Tweets the same way again!

      • Proud Liberal

        I love it!

    • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

      …with a raging boner…

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      “Yes, that sounds about right.”

      -Melania

    • Shibusa

      Very impressive diversity in that room!

      • Iron Monkey

        Well, there are no Black or Hispanic steelworkers (other than most of them) so…

    • MizzMazz

      OK, Dolt 45, do you even realize WHY these mills and factories are shuttered? Because people like YOU wanted the cheap stuff! YOU are part of the problem! Oh, and good luck with opening those factories again; it’s not as simple as unlocking a door to reveal a sparkling mill ready to go. These places have rotted away, just like the canneries here in Monterey, and they are now shops that sell t-shirts and overpriced cocktails.
      The Monterey Aquarium is awesome, though. But the canneries are not coming back, and neither are those jobs.
      You’re a lying sack of crap and a hypocrite.

      • H0mer0

        [I heard there was a Balrog or something in the mines, and that Mithril doesn’t really exist]

    • Iron Monkey

      signs memo to “allow exploration of imposing” new barriers…

      That is certainly a shot across the bow of no one.

  • Proud Liberal
    • jesterpunk
      • Proud Liberal

        I wonder what’s getting ready to happen to him?

        • jesterpunk

          Maybe he is going to join Carter Page and Michael Flynn in their requests for immunity?

          • Proud Liberal

            Hmmm….

    • Anna Elizabeth

      Bye, Scrotum Head.

      Just next in Line!

      • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

        Pretty sure you don’t mean that in the good way.

        • Anna Elizabeth

          Indeed I do not.

          I’ve seen Angels fall from Blinding heights
          But You yourself are nothing so Divine
          Just Next in Line!

          From “You Know My Name”, the theme to the 007 movie Casino Royale. The song is keeping me motivated lately.

      • Dudleydidwrong

        That, Anna, is an insult to all scrota. (Well, to most of ’em. Frump’s little scrotum is too immature to be insulted.)

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      That escalated quickly.

      • proudgrampa

        Very quickly.

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      Woah. Indictment coming?

    • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

      My money’s on a sexscapade. On Greta Van Suckstern he mentioned how many nights he’d been away from his family. I know LDS no longer allows polygamy but perhaps Mrs Chaffetz decided to be an originalist anyway.
      http://i2.cdn.turner.com/cnn/2009/POLITICS/10/15/chaffetz.congressional.spouse/art.chaffetz.harding.jpg Chaffetz with his wife, probably.

    • Edith Prickly

      Dead girl? Live boy? Live goat? Assorted pee hookers? the wrath of the Angel Moroni? it would be irresponsible not to speculate…

  • Toomush_Inferesistance

    At last a cohesive trump strategy to foreign policy: The Zoolander approach to diplomacy..

    • Bobathonic

      “We’ll hit them with Blue Steel!”

    • Octavia Bratenpfeffer

      “‘Noo Zooland’? C’mon, no way that’s a real country.” ———– DJT

  • ralphteb

    We don’t really need a trump ambassador you know , we can just read the tweets from here ( we have interwebs ) , plus we might need the space for actual refugees from the nuclear winter that’s going to happen up north , I’m guessing soon .

    • KillerMartinis

      I thought you guys were already selling that off to our techbros?

      • ralphteb

        Yeah well they kept that really quiet ,which in this country is pretty hard since everyone knows everyone , plus why didn’t we get any of the cool tech bros?( Are there any cool tech bros?)

        • JustDon’tSayFlatEarth

          I think you just answered your own question.

        • KillerMartinis

          They just sort of suck the life out of various places and then move on. Guess you were next? Anyway keep them on South Island and they’ll be fine. You can’t let them near the Evil Justice League Tower in Auckland though, they’ll form a cabal.

  • marxalot

    The nation of Lucy Lawless and the Hobbit deserved better than this.
    Oh, man.
    leaves to go write “Xena but in Middle Earth” fanfic

    • janecita

      I’d read the living hell out of that!

    • dirtdog

      Gabrielle and Eowyn please. Oh, you said fanfic, not slashfic.

      • marxalot

        …por que no los dos?

      • marxalot

        …dammit, the Narrative Engine in my head worked out how to make that work with each character’s arc and motivations and I hate you.

        • dirtdog

          I abjectly apologize and hope that your hatred will not persist.

          When I watched Xena, I became a fan of Gaby. She started as an impediment and became seriously badass with time. When this thread mixed Xena with LOTR, Eowyn came to mind as someone who wanted to be more badass than she was allowed to be, and she rose to slay the chief ringwraith. Gaby’s infatuation with Xena and Eowyn’s with Aragorn were also parallels. I saw them as similar roles in their respective plotlines. If you can work something out with them (fanfic or slashfic) I promise to be appreciative.

          Don’t get me started on the potential of an FMK with Xena, Gaby, and Calisto.

          • marxalot

            I can totally see how Gaby’s hero worship of Xena, combined with her own character development arc, would intersect with Eowyn’s, either as a “poor decisions/substitute” a “we both have the same problem” or a more healthy “ships that pass in the night/comrades in arms” style interaction. And both of them eventually step up to be god-killers, so this ain’t EVEN a sidekick sidequest story.

  • AnnieGetYerFun

    Oh, wow. Sorry, New Zealand. But honestly, you should have cut ties with us entirely once Trump was elected.

  • Carpe Vagenda

    Maybe he’s a housewarming gift for Peter Thiel.

    • Wild Cat

      Too long in the tooth, too short in the cock . . .

      • Al Swearengen

        Thiel will find a use for his blood.

      • Carpe Vagenda

        You know, it never crossed my mind that Peter Thiel would give reacharounds.

  • Michael R
  • tylerdrew

    Not sure if this guy’s joking or not but the cultural significance of calling Scott Brown a M – asshole is because they drive like azzholes hence M-assholes

  • BMW

    Is he going to try to drive his truck(tm) all the way there?

  • ~ ☆ míkhαílα ☆ ~ 【忠実反抗】

    (Maybe!) a future headline in the news…

    American Scott Brown Found Harassing A Hobbit.

  • An Outhouse for the Resistance

    New Zealand? bqhatevwr!

  • Mike

    So we’re declaring war on New Zealand now…? Jeez, I always liked Kiwi’s

  • whitroth

    Send him dildos?

    No, I’ve got it: Trumpuman sent him there to look for a certain Ring….

    • Doug Langley

      You are aware, aren’t you, that the studio which did the Oscar winning VFX for Lord of the Rings is in NZ?

      • whitroth

        No, no, you’re kidding. I mean, why would I *possibly* have made the above, er, know that?

        • Doug Langley

          Sorry.

  • Persistent Demme

    Dear Sheepshagger,

    Please know that we’re terribly sorry to be sending you this idiot.
    Hopefully, he’ll be mostly harmless.
    (And, with Trumpy-boy, it could have been much worse!)

    Yours truly,
    Demme

    • Sheepshagger

      Eh no drama. We’ll just use the rising interrogative on him until he breaks.

      • HazooToo

        Okay. I’ve looked, still confused. Wat?

      • House0fTheBlueLights

        So, Kiwis are all Valley girls?

        • Sheepshagger

          Yeah nah?

  • Poly_Ester

    Kim Jung-un will soon be known as trump-lite.

  • Mavenmaven

    We’ll see how long he lasts after he makes Pocahontas jokes with the Maori.

    • MizzMazz

      *Cringes* You’re probably right.

    • “We gave up cannibalizing people for gross stupidity and disrespect when we converted to Christianity… but in this case we’re willing to make an exception.”

  • Iron Monkey

    I mean, if *I* were going to start a war with Australia, I would 100% start by insulting New Zealand. I’ve thought about this.

    You may want to take up a hobby–building ships in bottles maybe. No Hobby Lobby supplies.

    • KillerMartinis

      It’s really more a revenge plan for Joe Hockey, less a random mental wandering.

  • theblackdog

    Just send the All-Blacks to do the Haka and see if he wets himself: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PptTeyYShdw

    • ImGoingBacon

      Wetting myself would be the last thing I’d do, if those guys did the Haka in my front yard. YUM!

      • theblackdog

        Well that would be a different kind of wet. They are very yummy :-D

  • EddieFrancis

    “Liberals” = Conservatives.

    FYI.

    • Octavia Bratenpfeffer

      Partial credit bro. Only in Aus, not NZ.

  • Bub, Zombie of the Resistance

    Remember – “the best people!” Only the best…

  • Sheepshagger

    We’re fairly used to third string mongoloid diplomats. No drama.

    Heres some ghost chips. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CtWirGxV7Q8

  • Jan Ness

    Sarah and Ted Nugent were just at the WH…what ambassadorships do they get?

    • janecita

      Russia for Sarah and Thailand, obviously, for Nugent.

      • JurisGal

        So bad but so good.

      • phoenix00

        Sarah can see what they’re up to from home!

    • The Wanderer

      At least now we know what’s at the bottom of the swamp.

  • Pierre_de_Fermat

    Dear Dog and we are only 100 days into this. Well, I guess this shows them eeleets a thing ‘r two.

  • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

    Masshole: The person who will help you, but must first tell you what an idiot they think you are before they do.

  • hendenburg2
  • House0fTheBlueLights

    It could be worse. He could have appointed him a U.S. Attorney or federal judge.

  • A New Zealander makes some corrections:

    1) STUFF is the website of the Dominion Post and Press newspapers, not the NZ Herald which has its own website;
    2) You mean the ANZUS treaty. ANZAC is something totally different.

    • KillerMartinis

      LOL I DID this is what I get for not looking acronyms up that I learned while drinking really nice wine. You people should stop plying travelers with wine if you want us to remember things properly.

      Also lemme fix that real quick, you’re the best!

      • New Zealand wine is the best argument for immigration. Croatian refugees from the Austro-Hungarian Empire taught us how – the British and Irish colonists certainly had no clue.

        • KillerMartinis

          Frankly I thought flying foxes were the best thing ever. I nearly lost my shit imagining a bunch of American parents watching their children, whole feet above the ground with nary a safety harness, go careening at top speed towards a tree.

        • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

          And here I thought it was the lamb.

          • Here’s an inside tip for you: we export all the really good stuff.

        • Dazza

          This Aussie says amen. New Zealand white wines are amazing.

          BTW, the Kiwis can see Scott Brown and his type coming a mile off. He’ll get what he deserves, and I can’t wait for Scottie to get a taste of Wellington snark! *giggling maniacally*

          • Think he’d be too dumb to get it. As anyone who’s seen Flight of the Conchords knows, the Wellington sense of humour is absolutely deadpan and flies over the heads of the one-dimensional.

          • Dazza

            *sigh*

            You’re probably right. Perhaps flinging female condoms at this guy is crude enough to get him to understand he is a total dill?

          • Mehmeisterjr

            If he starts making woo-woo “Indian” noises, that’ll go over big.

          • SeeTrain65

            Another topic that demanded the Python treatment.

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cozw088w44Q

          • sgt. jmk of the résistance

            My brother and I memorized this sketch when we were barely in our teens, and we can both recite it to this day, 40 years later.

          • SeeTrain65

            We did plenty of others, too, as well as sketches from Not The Nine O’Clock News, Smith & Jones, Benny Hill, The Two Ronnies, A Bit of Fry & Laurie … basically, if it was British and we could find it, we tried to repeat it.

  • JurisGal

    I swear, I was just wondering what he was up to as I watched Senator Warren on Maddow last night.

  • Scooby

    Diplomatic protocol calls for a strict Marmite only diet.

    • Christopher Story

      Is that anything like vegemite?

      • Scooby

        Yea, but maybe a bit worse.

        • SeeTrain65

          “I had some Vegemite. Really tasty. Needs a touch more salt, but other than that, fantastic.” – Arj Barker

        • Christopher Story

          I’m scared…

    • phoenix00

      MONSTER

  • To be fair, I’d consider pretending to be a Trump loyalist if he’d make me Ambassador to New Zealand. I could probably get the New Zealanders to go along with the joke, sending Trump messages about how intimidated they were by my US-first manly strength.

  • mellowjohn
  • brucej
  • chascates

    Trump could just as well have made me ambassador to New Zealand and I know I could do a better job. Plus I’d never leave there.

    Home alcohol distillation is LEGAL and, fun 4/20 fact, Kiwis smoke more pot than any other country.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    If he wanted to appoint a hedgehog, couldn’t Trump have appointed Ron Jeremy?

    • Vacuous Virgina

      I laffed, but I have no fucking idea what hedgehog = Ron Jeremy means. Don’t think I want to 😅

      • phoenix00

        > hedgehog
        is the nickname of
        > Ron Jeremy
        who does a lot of
        > fucking

        And that’s all you need to know.

        • Odd Jørgensen

          The Hedgehog Can Never be Buggered at All
          https://youtu.be/VUnkBX8Db80

        • Vacuous Virgina

          Thanks, I guess 😵

          • phoenix00

            Glad to be of service ;)

  • dshwa

    There are more sheep in New Zealand than people. A fact that may or may not be relevant.

    • thixotropic jerk

      gives “wake up sheeple!” a whole new twist

  • Octavia Bratenpfeffer

    Ever since NZ stopped accepting visits from your freedom loving nuclear-armed vessels in the 80s, it has been seen as effectively withdrawing from ANZUS, so it is very uncertain what defence it could expect from the US or Aust in time of need. However, purely as a gesture of goodwill, we are prepared to let you keep the ‘N’ for the acronym of the revised pact.

  • Bemused Australian
  • Old Man Yells at Cloud

    Elizabeth Warren responds to a reporter’s question about Scott Brown appearing in the magazine spread:
    https://lynnrockets.files.wordpress.com/2011/10/elizabeth-warren-to-enter-mass-senate-race-c3cnmcv-x-large1.jpg

    • phoenix00

      “A certain “PRESIDENT” has fingers and an attention span THIS SHORT”

  • John Norris

    I know an ambassador has to present his credentials to the head of state. But does the ambassador actually have to live in the country full time? Can he just come back to the USA and return for PR events?

  • unclejeems

    Couldn’t the All Blacks just do a Haka? That would either scare Scott away, jinx him away, or convince him the Kiwis shouldn’t be messed with. And if Trump heard, he might think the All Blacks meant that NZ was an African nation, and he’d send Scott to a more friendly environment–say, Greenland or Easter Island. And no, I’m pretty sure Drumpf has no idea how to locate New Zealand on the globe.

  • BillEGoatSmirk

    Scottie is known here in MA as a Trump sycophant and a vaguely momentary blip in Senatorial history. Dumb as a bag of hair. He’s been selling some sort of fake muscle meat supplements up in NH since his last try at getting a job in the Senate next to his nemesis, Ms. Liz Warren, professional schooler of asshole bankers extraordinaire…We had all decided a few weeks ago that the Kiwis didn’t deserve this, but were wondering if there was a spot for Scott in Antarctica…..anyhow, Trump hasn’t bothered to nominate many ambassadors, including to South Korea, the UK, Australia, etc. But we should all be glad he’s got his priorities straight with Cosmo Boy. Check out the list of vacancies at http://www.afsa.org/list-ambassadorial-appointments

  • fawkedifiknow

    I can’t think about New Zealand without recalling some of the zanier episodes of “Flight of the Conchords”.

  • Maybe

    Well, it has the benefit of getting him out of the country.

    My apologies to New Zealand. Don’t they have really tough quarantine laws, though? Maybe they can find something that applies to Scottie.

Previous articleIdaho Lunatics Pretty Sure Proposed Community College Will Spread Book-Larnin’, SHARIA LAW
Next articleFox News Pays Bill O’Reilly And Roger Ailes $65 Million, Just For Sex Sliming All Those Women