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Too Hott for the Babtists!

Even though he’s already resigned from office in a plea deal that avoided impeachment and saved him from any serious prison time for misuse of public funds, we’re still learning all sorts of sexxy/awful details about former Alabama Governor Robert Bentley and his paramour and former top aide, Rebekah Mason (one of these days we’re going to go full 1940s tabloid and call Mason Bentley’s “doxy”). Buried in the investigative report prepared for the state legislature’s impeachment committee is the story of Bentley and Mason being shown the door of the First Baptist Church of Tuscaloosa because of all that sinning, and maybe because the couple’s gross sex-chat tape was scaring the children and turning the communion grape juice into cheap wine.

OK, maybe not the last bit, since Bentley and Mason were actually asked to leave the church about a year ago, shortly before the infamous tape of Bentley talking to Mason about how much he wanted to play with her dirtypillows became public. The details of how the governor and his doxy were asked to get out of the Lord’s House turned up in a transcript of a deposition given by Heather Hannah, an aide to the then-first lady, Dianne Bentley; Hannah helped the former Mrs. Bentley confirm her suspicions that the governor was cheating (which wasn’t hard since the governor synched his sexts to Mrs. Bentley’s iPad).

Hannah testified that pastor Gil McKee had called the Bentleys, Mason, and Mason’s husband Jon into his office for a sit-down to ask whether the rumors of an affair between Governor Bentley and Mason were true, and to

[make] everybody admit to the fact that they knew (about the affair.)

And then he asked the governor to no longer be a member of the church. Asked the Masons to no longer attend the church and removed the governor from his position as deacon and Sunday school teacher.

Near the time of that meeting, Rev. McKee delivered a sermon that pretty much everyone who was following gossip assumed was directed at Bentley and Mason, because what are Christian churches about if not shaming sinners among the congregation? He said that church leaders were responsible for the “spiritual depth” of the church, and explained that by leaders, he didn’t only mean pastors, but also “the other spiritual leaders of the church, the deacons, the Sunday School teachers, people who have places of leadership in the congregation.” You know, like maybe a governor who serves as a deacon and teaches Sunday school while allegedly boning a lady to whom he’s not married (remember, Bentley insists he and Mason never Did The Deed, which we totally believe).

Oh, yes, there was more subtle nudging in the sermon:

He went on to say “a spiritual church is not some kind of social picnic club with which Satan and those who will follow him should be comfortable or supported.”

“Why is it that we think that people who are living in known, unconfessed ongoing sin should be able to come into our churches where we are preaching the gospel of Jesus Christ and they should be comfortable? The truth of the matter is that some of us ought to feel uncomfortable,” McKee said.

This would be a good place to mention John 7:53-8:11, the biblical story of the Woman Taken in Adultery, where Jesus spoils a perfectly good stoning of a hoor lady by admonishing the crowd that if any of them is without sin, they should cast the first stone (then a rock sails out of the crowd and bonks the lady and Christ groans, “Not you, Mom!”). This would seem to be a terrific counter-argument to McKee’s sermon, exceptin’ for how scholars are mostly in agreement the passage was added 300 or 400 years after the earliest Greek versions of the New Testament. Then again, your Southern Babtists say the Bible’s text as handed down to King James is inerrant and perfect, so maybe it’s a good argument after all.

In any case, Pastor McKee sounds a lot more judgy about who he lets in his church than Jesus was, what with all the dining with tax collectors, Samaritans, hoors, criminals, bloggers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, shit-kickers and Methodists. From our atheist-admirer-of-Jebus perspective, we’re happy to hear ex-Gov. Bentley’s new pastor at First Baptist Church of Prattville says his congregation is open to helping Bentley become a better person and stuff, instead of throwing him out at the risk of his becoming a dirty Unitarian or something. Not that Bentley necessarily thinks he needs any spiritual improvement, since even in the middle of his filthy texts with Mason, they talked about God and Jebus a whole lot, in-between all the stuff about their loinal stirrings:

“You can only be who God made you to be,” Rebekah Mason wrote to Bentley in 2015. “You honor God by doing what He says you should do. Not what man says you should do.”

In another text she wrote “Your purpose. Your mission. Your ministry. Your service is being stolen from you.”

Needless to say, Bentley talked a whole lot about Jebus in his resignation speech, too, because he wasn’t just a disgraced governor who’d used public resources to further his affair, he still considered himself a fine Christian role model. The Babtists can have him.


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[AL.com / CNN / AL.com]

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  • TJ Barke
  • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

    Needless to say, Bentley talked a whole lot about Jebus in his resignation speech, too, because he wasn’t just a disgraced governor who’d used public resources to further his affair, he still considered himself a fine Christian role model.

    Well, if we’re talking modern evangelicals…

  • canes_pugnaces

    But what about jus doin’ what ole pussy-grabber does. Certainly if the Prezdent of the whole Pussygraggin’ States can do it, a gobernor of a wall-eyed red state can. And Donny Pussygrabber don’t git kicked outa no god Jebus place. Not never.

  • Anna Elizabeth

    OT – I only have a couple bucks left in the bank, but every bill is paid in full. :)

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Woohoo! I love that little respite every month where you can relax. As long as you’ve got some rice in the cupboard and some eggs and veggies in the fridge, life is good!

      • Anna Elizabeth

        Indeed it is! I have plenty of food, and just enough for eggs and milk in the bank.

        I’m the girl that would tearfully beg Mom to get her part of the bills paid, every month, even though Mom had plenty of money she wouldn’t do it.

        Now that all the bills are mine, they get paid.

    • Bill D. Burger

      And now is happy time, time to breathe deeply & freely! 👍(≖‿‿≖👍)

      https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/fc42fd252429249234244658f692f48e6fb1469379cbad973b03425f8a70d77f.jpg

      • Anna Elizabeth

        :D

    • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

      Money cycling day is tomorrow. As soon as I get it, it goes back out again. :P

      • Anna Elizabeth

        I hear that. :) On Payday, 65% of my income is gone in bills before lunch.

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    Nothing more christ-like then telling the sinners to get the fuck gone.

  • memzilla Ω
    • kareemachan

      Blink.

  • Lance Thrustwell

    Can’t someone run for office who just comes out and says on the campaign trail “I’m a big ol’ lovestarved perv! Don’t expect me to be some sort of role model of moderation or sexual propriety when I’m in office – just expect that I’ll never sexually assault anyone, spend state money on my love affairs, or lie to you.”

    Is that kind of honesty, in the end, just too much to ask?

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Don’t you remember the ’90s?

      • Lance Thrustwell

        Well, Ol’ Bill did kind of project that, but it was with a wink and a nudge.

    • MizzMazz

      Back in the 90’s there was a radio talk show host here that would say, “I like my presidents sexually satisfied.” I guess it would help keep them from pushing the button, or whatever. Such innocents we were in those days.

    • Suttree

      Fuck no! They would call you an atheist! Good Christians lie like hell!

    • schmannity

      The country just elected that guy President.

      • calliecallie

        But with the lying and spending taxpayer money inappropriately and the sexually assaulting things, because it’s not a lie if you believe it, it’s not illegal if the president does it, and boys will be boys.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    So, Jesus loves her less than He loved the prostitutes.
    Well, to be fair, she is a lobbyist, so I think that’s about right.

  • memzilla Ω
  • Biblically speaking, you’re supposed to confront the ‘sinner’ in the congregation one on one, then with a small group, then in front of the church, and then expel them if they refuse to repent.

    This “discipline” has often led to abuse, public shaming, and a way for authoritarian dickheads to control the congregants.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      That’s hot!

  • Bill D. Burger

    God to Bentley and Mason via his good ol’ holy boy:

    https://cdn.meme.am/instances/62666877.jpg

  • Msgr_MΩment

    …and turning the communion grape juice into cheap wine.

    Unlike the Miracle of Sta. Bristol, when she turned the cheap wine into babbies.

    • Hobbes’ Evil Twin

      Bartles & James libelz!

    • FlemmishSpy

      The inarticulate conception.

      • Paul

        LMFAO. Thanks

      • Opalescent Riddles

        Not enough upfists available.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson
  • Darlene Underdahl

    I wasn’t Baptist, I was Evangelical Lutheran, but it’s pretty much the same all over. Sinning is forgivable as long as you say the words. Those two lost the governorship; that’s the crime. I’m betting the ex-wife is being punished too.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      And the ex-Guv is probably going to have to flog the Bishop a lot, as well.
      EDIT: Damnit, should have read the headline teaser first.

  • MynameisBlarney

    I tell ya wut…these last few days have been givin’ my Schadenfreude glands a fuckin’ workout!

  • Fancy Meau-Faux

    How Christian of them!

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Bless their bleeding Sacred Hearts.

  • DerrickWildcat

    I’m pretty sure that he has to be stoned to death.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      It is 4/20.

      • Bill D. Burger

        Uh huh! I see what you did there.

        http://i.imgur.com/ywpPHgu.gif

      • Beanz&Berryz

        But HuffPo(?) has an article that no-ones been stoned to death. Or. At least. That’s what the headline of the article I didn’t read implied.

  • Suttree

    His pastor probably did him a favor. Now he doesn’t have to get scowled at by those people, he can get scowled at by all new people!

    • Beanz&Berryz

      Stranger scowling isn’t so bad as scowling by bunches of “friends” of 20-30 years. Being tossed by Pastor Judger was a blessing from Jebus

  • MynameisBlarney

    Meanwhilst, looks like Flat-Top Jones may be taking his ball and going home.

    https://twitter.com/kslnewsradio/status/855074319155724288

    • Nounverb911

      Hard to be a congresscritter while you’re in prison.

      • UncleTravelingMatt

        DeLay libelz!!11!!11!

    • Bill D. Burger

      Interesting read. And it would be criminal not to speculate why????

      Jason Chaffetz bails on Congress amid revelation Russia is blackmailing him over Donald Trump
      By Bill Palmer
      Updated: 9:19 pm EDT Wed Apr 19, 2017

      Five days ago we wrote that Russia was holding blackmail material on Jason Chaffetz according to reliable sourcing, and that it was forcing him to do its bidding with regard to Donald Trump (link). The short of it: Russia was forcing Chaffetz to do nothing with regard to Trump. Don’t investigate his Russia scandal. Prevent anyone on his committee from doing the same. And the FBI learned about it.

      https://www.palmerreport.com/opinion/jason-chaffetz-bails-on-congress-amid-revelation-russia-is-blackmailing-him-over-donald-trump/2355/

    • puredog

      I’m sure jumping ship in the midst of his term will work wonders for his future political aspirations. It worked so well for Word-Salad Sarah.

    • Vecchioivan

      This guy just can’t wait to cash in.

    • Tom Mears

      Our boy Jason just wants to get a head start raising money to take over Orin Hatch’s senate seat. Orin will be 85 during the 2018 election cycle. Even though he says he might run he probably won’t. The reactionary republican wing needs to make sure the fine people of Utah, who are slowly turning purple instead of blood red, don’t go and elect a moderate like Evan McMullin.

      • Claire

        Orrin’s going to be our first Old-As-Balls-American president if the Russia investigation takes down as many people as it should.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Taking lessons from Palin.

  • Persistent Demme

    What a shock that they belonged to a church run by Judgey McJudgerson!
    Karma’s a bitch!

  • BadKitty904

    What did the Pastor have to say about the fact that Mason’s primary job in the state’s Republican administration seems to have been trying to keep black citizens from voting?

    • ManchuCandidate

      Sweet Home Alabama!

    • Hobbes’ Evil Twin

      That was a feature, not a bug.

  • Chadwells
  • ManchuCandidate

    The Crimson Letter!

  • Msgr_MΩment

    Throwing the sinners out of church is like throwing the sick out of the hospital: it does a great job of streamlining the operations.

    • Bill D. Burger

      Reminds me of a woman I overheard at dinner a long time ago. Someone suggested that her lofty downtown church open its doors to the homeless during the freezing Denver nights.
      Her response: “We can’t just let everybody into our church.”

    • Jamoche

      These are the people who want to throw failing kids out of school.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        “Which floor?” — The GOoP

    • Claire

      Or throwing them off their insurance, which Republicans also support.

  • Anna Rompage

    If King Solomon had 400 wives & 600 concubines, what’s the big deal if the Gov was doing a little one way wife swapping?

    • msanthropesmr

      And each wife spent 30 minutes with the governor and each concubine spent 20 minutes with the governor, at what time will the one after 909 arrive in Bristol City?

      • Anna Rompage

        She will arrive right after the delivery truck drops off the new, fresh shipment of Bartles & James wine coolers?

  • msanthropesmr

    God told me that Republicans suck. So, God has called me to point out how sucky Republicans are.

    • Crystalclear12

      It is noble work.

      • msanthropesmr

        I’m still working on punching every Jill Stein supporter.

    • schmannity

      A voice crying in the Fifth Avenue wilderness, right in front of Trump Tower.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        Arrest him!

  • Chadwells

    OT: something smells fishy…but yay!? The Russian blackmail idea is starting to make a lot of sense!!

    “Report: Chaffetz Might Leave Congress Early”

    http://www.rollcall.com/news/politics/chaffetz-may-leave-congress-early-utah-radio-station-reports

    • Prof. T. Green Bastard

      Link an R.O.U.S off a sinking ship.

      • Chadwells

        HAH! Took me a second!! Too true.

  • Wild Cat

    “I’ve been a dirty, dirty little boy governor, Jesus. I have betrayed You for 30 pieces of Jezebel flesh. That woman is a demon and she made me fuck her with her pert devilish tits, tight and shaved coital unit, and her beige-tinged Dante-esque asshole. Jesus, I want to be like you, O Jesus. Hang me up on Your Blessed Cross. Beat me. Whip me. Rape me. Make me grovel in shit and force me to vote to better the lives of other humans—there, I said it! I’m such a dirty, dirty boy governor.”

    • puredog

      Preach, sistah!

  • Oblios_Cap

    What happened to “Love the sinner, hate the sin”? And I thought Jebbus was all about forgiveness. It’s almost these people don’t practice what they preach.

    • Bill D. Burger
      • msanthropesmr

        Or, if people like you already.

        • Oblios_Cap

          Well, gosh darn it, I’m smart enough, and I’m good enough…

    • h4rr4r

      You mean the guy who chased the money changers out of the temple with a whip? The same guy who said “Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to turn “‘a man against his father, a daughter against her mother….”

      That guy?

      • Mumen Rider Justice CRASH!

        Didn’t he bitch out a fig tree once? Didn’t he piss and moan about people that weren’t convince or converted by his magic tricks?

        • Msgr_MΩment

          When they write down my sayings, sixty years from now, I’m sure they’re going to listen to the misogynist homophobic asshole who only ever met me in a hallucination well after I was dead, when he tells them what I really said.

        • h4rr4r

          He killed !

          GOD HATES FIGS!

  • schmannity

    Adds a new meaning to church deacon. “They were deacon at the Motel 6, they deaced? in the Governor’s office, they were deacon like dogs in heat.”

  • msanthropesmr

    Jesus died for somebody’s sins, but not this assholes.

  • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

    “And then he asked the governor to no longer be a member of the church. Asked the Masons to no longer attend the church and removed the governor from his position as deacon and Sunday school teacher.”

    He’s going to miss that Sunday school interaction.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jWZ3EHjUx_E

  • Gayer Than Thou

    I’d like to get some of this known, unconfessed, ongoing sin action.

    • Vecchioivan

      Have you considered running for office?

    • MynameisBlarney

      I think you have to become a republican.

      • redarmyzombie

        Well, that just ruins everything, don’t it?

      • Gayer Than Thou

        Too high a price to pay. Plus, I’ve seen who they mostly end up sleeping with.

  • Gayer Than Thou

    Satan’s Social Picnic Club is the name of my new band. We do thrash metal versions of old-timey piano roll songs. Available for bar mitzvahs, weddings, and public shunnings.

  • Oblios_Cap

    “Why is it that we think that people who are living in known, unconfessed ongoing sin should be able to come into our churches where we are preaching the gospel of Jesus Christ and they should be comfortable? The truth of the matter is that some of us ought to feel uncomfortable,” McKee said.

    Matthew 7:1-3 springs to mind:

    7 Judge not, that ye be not judged.

    2 For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.

    3 And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?

  • MynameisBlarney
  • Mumen Rider Justice CRASH!

    “They call Alabama the Crimson Tide
    Call me Deacon Blues”

    • Oblios_Cap

      Steely Dans all around!

    • schmannity

      They’ve got a name for the sinners in the world.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        The Luv Guv and his moll will soon be touring the Southland in a traveling minstrel show.

        • schmannity

          In the south, a minstrel show is considered a real period piece.

  • Crystalclear12

    To be forgiven a sin first you have to stop doing it. That sticking point is probably why he got shown the door.

    • puredog

      ISWYDT

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    My dad and I talked about religion for about an hour last night. I don’t ever recall that happening in the past 40 years. He believes in God. I did not know this. Literally never came up, even though my mom is a devout Catholic and dad was more than happy to enforce her will. Anyway, he summed up biblical morality about as well as any cleric could, to wit:

    “Don’t be an asshole. Don’t lie. Don’t steal. Treat other people — your wife, your customers, inmates, whoever — with respect. Not complicated.”

    • Oblios_Cap

      I paraphrase the Golden Rule as “Don’t be a dick.” Works for me.

    • Bill D. Burger
    • Contemplative Ron

      Yup. The Great Commandments. Everything else is commentary.

    • Yr. Gma

      Dad has it about right.

    • Mumen Rider Justice CRASH!

      Those sound like human morals, not biblical, not biblical morals

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Matt. 7:12.
      PLAGIARIST!!

    • Msgr_MΩment

      In my most charitable moments towards religion, I like to imagine that Jesus (if He existed) did not necessarily even believe in God. He just had to explain things to the people around him in words they would grok. There is some speculation that he might have traveled before his “ministry”, maybe even to India. (/wild speculation) He can sound mighty Buddhist if you strip away all the bullshit that the Paulists and others obvioiusly spackled onto his teachings.

      • UncleTravelingMatt

        It’s weird that pretty much all itinerant pastoral societies have “Judeo-Christian” rules. Almost like the rules evolved out of biological necessity rather than Sky Wizard intervention.

        • Msgr_MΩment

          Intelligently designed that way, apparently.

      • Yellerduck

        If you haven’t already, you should read “Lamb” by Christopher Moore. Subtitle: The Gospel according to Biff, Christ’s childhood pal.”

        • Msgr_MΩment

          The wife had the son read it ages ago. Been meaning to for a while.

  • Jamoche

    So what’s it like being a graphic artist for a politician?
    https://clientsfromhell.net/post/159790348168/im-a-graphic-artist-and-several-of-my-clients#disqus_thread

    The best, though, is that this has been an exchange I’ve had with every politician client.

    Client: Above all, this has to be unique!

    Me: Understood.

    Client: Great. Now use the American flag as a background, and make the text red and blue.

    • Antonin Dvorak

      Abortions for some, derivative graphic design for others.

  • Bill D. Burger
    • elviouslyqueer

      Man, Kim Davis looks terrible as a blonde.

  • schmannity

    I’m withholding judgment until Beelzibubba weighs in.

  • elviouslyqueer

    The only two things the Baptists are any good at are lights-off, blackout curtains-pulled, missionary-position sex and desserts involving mini-marshmallows.

    • exinkwretch

      Why are Baptists prohibited from having sex standing up? It could lead to dancing!

      • elviouslyqueer

        How do you know that Adam was a Baptist? Because only a Baptist could stand next to a naked woman and be tempted by a piece of fruit.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Lights-off, blackout curtains-pulled, issionary position desserts and sex involving mini-marshmellows are still prohibited though. A lot of Baptists get that wrong.

      • Msgr_MΩment
      • Yellerduck

        Wait, wait, wait…am I supposed to pull the curtains and position the missionary or pull the missionary after positioning the curtains, and what the fuck do I do with all these marshmellows?

        • Latverian Diplomat

          The Baptist opposition to sex ed backfires again.

    • h4rr4r

      If you only bring one fishing they are pretty good at drinking all your beer. If you bring two they are very good at making sure neither drinks any.

    • MynameisBlarney

      How can ya tell the difference between a Catholic and a Baptist?

      A Catholic will say hi at the liquor store.

      • Latverian Diplomat

        As a variation prohibition era joke that explained the popularity or lack thereof in some parts of the country:

        A Lutheran is someone who drinks publicly and prays privately.
        A Baptist is someone who prays publicly and drinks privately.

        • Yellerduck

          I can attest, having grown up Baptist, that there was no liquor in our house. It was in the refrigerator in the garage, as is proper.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Is there anything good that they’re good at?

      • Spurning Beer

        It’s a matter of taste, probably, whether they are “good” skillz, but Baptists are also often good at NASCAR driving and fishing from boats.

        • Msgr_MΩment

          You mean that thang they do with dynamite?

          • Spurning Beer

            “Y’all watch this!”

      • Elvis Causticfellow

        Ducking babies under water?

  • exinkwretch

    It’s 4/20. Perfect day for a stoning!

  • Latverian Diplomat

    So, he asked both the Masons to not attend church? Did Tom Mason do something wrong?

    • h4rr4r

      Failed to control his wife, I would imagine .

      • Anna Elizabeth

        This.

    • Oblios_Cap

      I guess he was supposed to honor kill Bentley.

      • UncleTravelingMatt

        I have seen what thou hast did there, and it was good.

  • Nounverb911

    I read on the internets that bentley is considering joining this schmuck.

    https://twitter.com/BryanJFischer/status/855078867333255168

    • Antonin Dvorak

      That ought to be good.

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      Hell? Is it hell? It’s hell, isn’t it?

    • Jgb979

      There’s few conservatron destructo bots of death that personally annoy the shit out of me more than Bryan Fisher

      “I’ll be a guest on my own show”

      I hope you cancel at the last minute! Oh and apologize for all of the global bullshit you’ve spread about LBGT, as youre one of the people most responsible for kill the gays laws in places like Uganda

      • Msgr_MΩment

        Guest *slap*
        Host *slap*
        Guest *slap*
        Host *slap*

        Forget it, Jake, it’s Fischertown.

        • vivian

          *sobs* “I’m a host and a guest.”

    • ariel_gee_398

      “I couldn’t find a guest for today. Someone give me a topic to fill the time. Extra ghoulish, for the ratings.”

    • Lance Thrustwell

      If there IS a heaven, that’s where kids go, Bryan. Period.

      If there IS a hell, there is no fucking question that’s where you’re going, pal.

    • If he is host of his show can we eat him with some fava beans and a nice chianti?

      • Querolous

        if he’s the host then who is the paten?

    • UnsaltedSinner

      Finally something more than idle speculation about that subject!

  • MynameisBlarney
    • BadKitty904

      Perhaps they should start with the Oval Office…

      • Nounverb911

        Bannon?

        • BadKitty904

          To name just one…

    • Chadwells

      They have a suspect in that March leak about TV’s watching you and whatnot, I guess?

    • Msgr_MΩment

      A traitor inside the CIA?
      *clutches pearls*
      You want a traitor, go to the source: The White House.

    • MAGAman2017

      Flynn?

    • Claire

      Maybe contracting big parts of national security to private companies is not such an awesome money-saving idea after all.

      • Thaumaturgist

        Contracting out national security may not save money for the taxpayers but it’s a lot easier to raise campaign contributions if you’re willing to privatize stuff.

        • Claire

          Not to mention easier to shovel money into your own pockets using various shell corporations.

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    I think Satan is ignoring me because I’m an atheist.

  • Elvis Causticfellow

    Pastor McKee can really dish out the bitchy talk! I’d like to see him and Mason in a catfight.

  • Anna Elizabeth

    Show me a Baptist and I will show you an Asshole.

    • Oblios_Cap

      I might not be a good dancer, but I’m not afraid to do it.

      • Anna Elizabeth

        XD AWE-sum. I can help you get better at dancing, if you like. It’s mostly in the hips.

        • Oblios_Cap

          Ms. O is the jealous type.

          • Anna Elizabeth

            I can help you both. :)

          • Lance Thrustwell

            Such a giver.

          • Anna Elizabeth

            Plus, teaching people to dance was not a come-on. Anna’s come ons are like: “Let’s go to bed”. XD

          • Lance Thrustwell

            That’s the kind of subtlety I appreciate. :)

          • Anna Elizabeth

            Many people do. :)

          • I once got “Hey, baby, mah pick up’s in th’ parkin lot”
            Thought that was about as direct as it gets

          • Anna Elizabeth

            XD The Gorgeous fella I took to bed last month eMailed me, when I told him I had just gotten out of the tub and was doing my nails, he offered to assist.

            I answered the door in bra and thong panties. Yes, he was happy to see me. XD

          • Celtic_Gnome

            I once had a friend say, “This is me officially making a pass at you.”

            I was so appreciative.

    • Elvis Causticfellow

      Hey, hey! You may not want to be shown a Baptist, but mooning someone for it seems an excessive response!

  • Latverian Diplomat

    To a real Baptist, “not doing the deed” doesn’t mean you are without sin, as authentic Baptist Jimmy Carter got shit for trying to explain back in the ’70s.

  • Jgb979

    So cool, I guess churches are only full of non-sinners in the south? I guess Jesus has been making clones of himself in his secret underground bunker?

    • Contemplative Ron

      The Boys from Bethlehem

  • Spurning Beer

    Oooh, First Baptist Church of Prattville? Prattville is the Gateway to Wetumpka!

    It’s also the home town of Wilson Pickett.

    • Elvis Causticfellow

      Did you that Wilson Pickett put a bullet into an Isley Brother on two separate occasions? Once was in a face-to-face confrontation, the other unintentional, through a door. Regardless, if I were an Isley Brother, I expect I’d get pretty flinchy when Wilson Pickett was around.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        When I was a kid, my brother said: Don’t play with your nose. Let Wilson Pickett.

        Try the fluffernutter.

      • TundraGrifter

        Apparently Mr. Pickett had quite the temper. Which might be why he was nicknamed “Wicked.” According to a new book (which I have only read about) his temper had a negative impact on his career.

        • can’t imagine why shooting people in piques of ire might have a negative impact on one’s career….

          • TundraGrifter

            It worked for Wild Bill Hickok.

        • Paul Dietzel

          In Arlington VA there’s a Wilson Blvd and also a Pickett St., though I don’t think they intersect. Durned shame; I always thought it would be neat to say you lived at the corner of Wilson and Pickett.

  • JackLinks

    “If Christ were here there is one thing he would not be—a Christian.”

    ― Mark Twain, Notebook

  • Bill D. Burger

    ot…but
    [Trump wants to make it easier to drill in national parks. We mapped the 42 parks at risk.
    Weaker regulations could mean oil and gas pollution and spills in pristine national parks.
    With President Donald Trump’s executive order on energy, federal agencies are now reviewing all rules that inhibit domestic energy production. And that includes regulations around drilling in national parks that, if overturned, could give oil and gas companies easier access to leases on federal lands, including national parks, they’ve long coveted.

    Updated by Sarah Frostenson@sfrostensonsarah.frostenson@vox.com Apr 20, 2017, 8:40am EDT]

    http://www.vox.com/science-and-health/2017/4/20/15272642/trump-drill-oil-gas-national-parks-map

    What a lovely thought. Just looking across a pristine Yellowstone meadow or a Grand Canyon basin field and seeing those lovely derricks and pumps working endlessly.
    (This example is just outside the Theodore Roosevelt Nat. Park in ND.)

    https://cdn0.vox-cdn.com/thumbor/EO3PxJC2Xg22wrsW2dnBA3mhOWA=/0x0:4000×2662/1020×680/filters:focal(1680×1011:2320×1651):format(webp)/cdn0.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_image/image/54348019/GettyImages_589143374.0.jpg

    • Celtic_Gnome

      Oh yeah, let’s start drilling in Yellowstone. That’ll solve a whole lot of problems real fast.

  • Chadwells

    OT: BREAKING…Water is wet. Not surprised. Hate this comes from The Intercept.

    “Report: GOP lawmakers selling access to top staffers”

    http://thehill.com/homenews/house/329697-report-republicans-selling-access-to-congressional-staffers

    • Oblios_Cap

      Rules. Who needs ’em?

    • Nounverb911

      By the piece or by the pound?

      • UncleTravelingMatt

        On the hoof.

      • wait! what?

        Should be “by the Pence”…

    • Ricky Gay

      Say, I’m beginning to think these GOP chaps are not good people.

    • Contemplative Ron

      Hardly news.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      So-called judges say so-called water is so-called wet.

      Details at eleven.

  • Ricky Gay

    “…and Christ groans, “Not you, Mom!” — Golden!!!

  • MynameisBlarney

    So earlier on Democratic Underground someone posted an one of Mensch’s tweets that was about Bernie Sanders going to Russia and met with someone that was involved in the whole fucking election debacle and supposedly received a payment for 9mil.

    That article is gone now, but I’mma see if I can find something corroborating that.

    • jesterpunk
      • MynameisBlarney

        It was a link from that Mensch lady.
        She must have gotten it from the intercept.

        • janecita

          She isn’t a reliable source, she says a lot of things that aren’t true.

          • MynameisBlarney

            I keep hearing conflicting stories about her.
            Not sure what to think.

          • ariel_gee_398

            I view her kind of like the National Enquirer circa the John Edwards/Rielle Hunter scandal. There are a lot of out there stories about bat boys and Elvis sightings, but there are definitely some accurate stories, too.

          • ariel_gee_398

            And for what it’s worth, she posted a week ago that Chaffetz was compromised and worried about the FBI. Now he might not finish out his term. Maybe it’s just a coincidence…

          • MynameisBlarney

            Yeah.
            It’s hard to know which end is up right now.

        • janecita

          The story is quite interesting. That Russian man is a great guy to have working for you.
          https://static.theintercept.com/amp/a-sanders-campaign-adviser-was-a-russian-vitali-shkliarov-speaks-out.html

          • MynameisBlarney

            I just don’t trust Greenwald at all.

    • Well, he was pretty cozy back in the day with East Germany, and she’s got a bad habit of being … right a lot.

  • Nounverb911
    • ariel_gee_398

      Attention victims of Bill O’Reilly – the compensation fund is being replenished. Have at it.

    • fucker got 25m a year?????

    • Lance Thrustwell

      A measly 25 million? Pah! Why, that wouldn’t last me two nights at a proper casino/brothel.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Or pay off a lawsuit or two.

        Billo’s going to have to control himself,

  • UnsaltedSinner

    “You can only be who God made you to be,” Rebekah Mason wrote to Bentley in 2015. “You honor God by doing what He says you should do. Not what man says you should do.”

    The great thing about God is that he usually wants the exact same things as the people he’s talking to.

    • Contemplative Ron

      Isn’t that lucky for them?

  • SnarkON

    There could not possibly be anyplace on Earth more Southern Baptist-y than the First Baptist Church of Tuscaloosa.

    • Spurning Beer

      I beg to differ. Tuscaloosa is a college town, which is tantamount to being Yankee. Now, if there’s a First Baptist Church of Boaz or Dothan, you know they’ve got fiery tent revivals.

      • bobbert

        Oh lord, Dothan.

  • Shibusa

    Jason Chaffetz won’t be finishing his term.
    https://media.giphy.com/media/FqtWrearu5vb2/giphy.gif

    • UnsaltedSinner

      Now I’m seeing Newman yelling “Oh, the humanity!”

    • Mumen Rider Justice CRASH!

      Netflix reboot of Ghost Rider?

    • Bill D. Burger

      Perhaps a “Tar&Feather” party to help him on his way.

      https://i.ytimg.com/vi/10C-1G7Vy84/hqdefault.jpg

    • Thiazin Red

      There must be something nasty there, it makes no sense otherwise.

      • Bill D. Burger

        It would be wrong not to report good speculations:

        [Jason Chaffetz bails on Congress amid revelation Russia is blackmailing him over Donald Trump
        By Bill Palmer
        Updated: 9:19 pm EDT Wed Apr 19, 2017

        Five days ago we wrote that Russia was holding blackmail material on Jason Chaffetz according to reliable sourcing, and that it was forcing him to do its bidding with regard to Donald Trump (link). The short of it: Russia was forcing Chaffetz to do nothing with regard to Trump. Don’t investigate his Russia scandal. Prevent anyone on his committee from doing the same. And the FBI learned about it.]

        https://www.palmerreport.com/opinion/jason-chaffetz-bails-on-congress-amid-revelation-russia-is-blackmailing-him-over-donald-trump/2355/

    • Saw that rumor last night. Confirmed?

    • Anna Rompage

      Oh my, sounds like adultery, and serious illegal ethics violations…

    • Proud Liberal

      Going to Fox News as a commentator…oh my Gawd.

      • is that real? Can’t look it up, working XD Can’t tell anymore!!!

  • Just remember “Orthodoxy is my doxy – heterodoxy is another man’s doxy.” (William Warburton)

    “Paradoxy is a time travellers doxy” (me)

    • SnarkON

      “Doxxing is wrong.” (me)

  • Crystalclear12
    • Proud Liberal

      Good f’ing Gawd.

    • jesterpunk

      Damn its cheap to buy a congress critter. Can we get a gofundme to buy a few of them?

      • Crystalclear12

        Wonder if we can get them cheaper if we buy in bulk?

        • jesterpunk

          We should really ask George Soros if he can buy us a few dozen instead of paying us to hate Trump. He is late with the checks anyway.

    • Proud Liberal

      Republicans have no moral compass.

      • Lance Thrustwell

        Yes they do. Haven’t you read your Ayn Rand? The dollar sign is their holy symbol.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Best government money can buy. Now at low low prices!

    • boyblue122

      Now that a grifter is running the country, no one in the GOP really cares about pretending to have a moral compass

  • Proud Liberal

    I remember my last day in church. I was 12 and the pastor said if we didn’t go to church, we would burn in hell. I got up and walked out, never to return.

    • Anna Elizabeth

      Nicely Done! :D

    • jesterpunk

      I was told in the early 90’s I was going to hell for liking Nirvana. That was the last time I went to church for anything except weddings.

      • Proud Liberal

        I won’t go to a wedding if it’s at a church. The place would burn down! :-)

    • Shibusa

      I wish I’d thought of that. I sat though countless hours of dull Catholic masses.

    • Contemplative Ron

      I guess he missed that bit in Matthew about NOT praying in public.

    • SnarkON

      When I was a kid our evangelical Baptist neighbors invited my sister and me to come to their church to “watch movies.” The movie turned out to be a very frightening reenactment of the crucifixion. Afterward the minister took the two of us into a room and told us that if we didn’t take Jesus into our heart we would go to hell. Then he asked if we accepted Jesus. We were terrified. My dad is Jewish and my mom was a Congregationalist. Both of them had always made it clear that organized religion was bullshit. We were scared that if we said no to the minister, we’d go to hell, and if we said yes, we would be disobeying our parents. Crying, we said yes, because we didn’t know what else to do. We were maybe 8 and 6. Those abusive Baptist fuckers.

      • Proud Liberal

        Somehow I knew at a young age that religion was bullshit.

        • Thiazin Red

          I had books of Greek and Egyptian myths when I was little, and it never occurred to me to treat Christianity differently. When I was older I sometimes went to my grandparents’ church, and the stories made god sound like a real asshole who was really unfair to people.

          I will say that the people at my grandparents’ church are pretty much a perfect example of how Christians should act, charitable, accepting, involved in improving society for everyone.

          • Proud Liberal

            I know many religious people. Some live their faith. Others are just assholes. I guess that applies to everybody in a way.

        • Clyde Barrow

          Same here. I grew up in a secular household, but my religious neighbors would try to get me to go to church, and I went a few times…really tried to believe too. But I knew deep down it was all just made up BS and a manipulation tool, even at 8 years old.

        • SnarkON

          This particular incident convinced me of same.

      • The only time I’ve ever been in a Baptist church was for the funeral of a friend. I knew he was active in that church, but he’d never made a big deal out of it or tried to convert anyone. However, his funeral was pretty much a revival meeting, not like any funeral I’d ever been to.

        • Mehmeisterjr

          I went to a Catholic funeral that played out in a similar manner.

          • Celtic_Gnome

            My grandmother’s Catholic funeral pretty much boiled down to, “Whatever’s going to happen to her for all eternity is happening now, and there’s nothing she can do about it. You still have a chance to make things right. Don’t fuck it up.”

    • Jeffocaster in the desert

      Let’s see….the last time I was to church…um……..GENTILES!

      • Pilotshark

        think if i walked into a church the roof would collapse.

        • Bebecca

          True story. We’re confirmed atheists, our son was in boy scouts, hubby and son liked camping and hiking. On boy scout sunday we decided we would go to church, we’re running out the door-and locked the keys in the house. We thought it was a sign.

          • Pilotshark

            smiling, i have to say it was a good sign.

          • Bebecca

            We went, sent son in through the kitchen window. I was reminded of why I was not a believer at the service. stupid.

          • Celtic_Gnome

            Ms. Gnome was once the administrative assistant to the District Director of the local Unitarian District. She had to attend a weekend retreat that culminated in services Sunday morning. I stayed home and slept in. Our furnace caught fire.

    • NastyBossetti

      I used to go to make my mom happy, but I stopped the day someone refused to shake my hand during the sign of peace because I had green hair.

      • Proud Liberal

        Wow. The most judgmental people go to church, I have found.

        • NastyBossetti

          That used to be my favorite part of mass, too, shaking people’s hands and saying, “peace be with you.”

          • Swampay

            The huggy churches are best.

        • Teecha

          I agree. I don’t think I ever had any faith, but i stopped going the week after my parents announced my divorce. Dad took us to church and after, in the hall, he went round telling everyone that my mum had decided to leave him (which was a spin on the reality I was living). The comments they made when they thought I couldn’t hear were what made me decide never to go back. I was 11. Fuckers.

          It’s a shame really, coz when I go to a church wedding, I remember how much I enjoy singing communally. But the religious types can piss off.

          • Swampay

            Seriously? Find a community choir. They’re out there. I finally realized in my 50s that I really love to sing, solo and in choir. I’m in a great choir now and wouldn’t give it up for anything. GO FOR IT.

          • Teecha

            I don’t really have the time to commit to anything like that. I’d be constantly letting people down.

            And I sing with a band from time to time. Tbh, I prefer getting the applause all to myself.

            I need to make a few younger friends so that I can get invited to more weddings!

          • Swampay

            You go. I just figure everybody oughta find a way to get their sing on.

      • TakingAmes

        You should come to my church. There are seriously more folks of all ages (myself included) with candy-colored hair and tattoos than at most ComiCons. We also have a gay man and two women as pastors, so there’s that.

        • Lamashtar

          What denomination is it?

          • TakingAmes

            United Church of Christ, in the liberal bubble of Chicago.

    • Swampay

      I always wonder why hell wasn’t invented until after the old testament. It seems like a cheap shot from God. I mean, when he booted Adam & Eve it seems like it might have been sporting to let them know what they’re playing for. (Thunderous voice) YOU ARE BANISHED FROM THE GARDEN!!! (Adam & Eve go forth in tears) (Much smaller voice) Oh, and bee-tee-dubs, unless you kiss my holy ass properly, when you die from not-Eden shit’s gonna get really bad and you’ll burn for all of eternity. So there’s that.

  • Yellerduck

    Interesting but sort of OT: Many years ago, I got into a conversation with a co-worker who was a Muslim Imam (probably still is). During the conversation, which was on how different religions regard the forgiveness of sins, he related the parable of the adultress in exactly the way I had heard it, only the protagonist was Muhammed and the adultress was still stoned to death, but Muhammed told her that she was in any case forgiven and wouldn’t go to hell. Not sure it that was something that came from the Koran, or if it is just a “life of Muhamed” story.

  • Nounverb911
  • BadKitty904
    • TJ Barke

      Well fuck them then.

    • Proud Liberal

      Well, I’ll be damned. Still hate the motherfucker though.

    • Nounverb911
      • Shanzgood

        Are we sure that’s a bong?

        • snark-lurker

          it can be used two ways

        • snark-lurker

          thought of 2 more ways but they are kind-a naughty

          • Shanzgood

            Not sure about that nose, though.

          • snark-lurker

            that just might be the best part! : )

          • Shanzgood

            If you say so…

          • snark-lurker

            have you no imagination? no vision of the possibilities?

          • Shanzgood

            Head, but I’m not liking what I see there.

          • snark-lurker

            :(

      • BadKitty904

        a.) Leave it to Stone to have multiple photos of himself;
        b.) Who is that in the background?

        • Oblios_Cap

          A bad kitty?

          • BadKitty904

            A very bad kitty, indeed.

      • boyblue122

        Jeff Session is going to raid Roger Stone’s house now

      • Why’s dude have a glamour shot of himself?

      • Looks like a Nixon bidet to me.

      • TakingAmes

        This guy… Lemme tell ya ’bout this guy… He’s an attention hoor.

  • Clyde Barrow

    The Flying Spaghetti Monster accepts you. Come.

  • Contemplative Ron

    OT: Donnie signing another phony-baloney EO, this time making people buy US steel instead of imported. Might be interesting to see how that affects companies who have to buy specialised steels NOT made in the US, though like his ‘buy American’ bullshit it probably has more holes built in than a week’s production at the colander factory.
    He did take a moment to trash NAFTA and insult Canada again. Seems we’re affecting dairy farmers in Wisconsin and New York Sate with our milk and cheese. Interesting. US dairy is one of the most protected industries in the country. We must be practically giving the stuff away.

    • Jgb979

      100% chance he doesn’t know the difference between an EO and a law

      • jesterpunk

        There is a 100% chance he doesnt know much of anything about anything. FTFY

    • jesterpunk

      He will give waivers to companies that really dont want to buy US steel though like the keystone pipeline.

    • Proud Liberal

      He’s only making publicly funded companies do this. He can’t tell private companies what to do.

    • jesterpunk
      • Contemplative Ron

        I was trying to think of why he would even CARE about something like this, then I read the article. ‘Triggering a rally in U.S. steel stocks’ indeed.

        • jesterpunk

          Wonder how much he is making from that order?

          • Contemplative Ron

            How many shares of US Steel does he own?

          • jesterpunk

            Dont know, he wont release any of his tax forms or anything else so we know for sure.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        I’m more worried about cheap Chinese ties that you have to keep in place with double-sided tape.

        • hendenburg2

          I know. You’d not supposed to use tie clips with thin fabric. Only sliding tie bars which just use friction, instead of a spring and jaw.

      • hendenburg2

        It’s not Chinese-made steel that’s concerning.

        A ton of defense-related electronics contain counterfeit made-in-China components

        • Celtic_Gnome

          And I’m sure they all have nice made-in-China backdoors t make sure they can’t be used against China.

          • hendenburg2

            well that’s the worry with certain components

    • Shanzgood

      Milk is still more expensive than soda.

      • The Wanderer

        It’s going to get more expensive still, thanks to the Trumpanista policy toward foreign workers.

      • Contemplative Ron

        Not around here… well, not by much. 2% milk is around $4.27 for four litres, while name-brand pop is around $3.96, unless it’s on sale. I drink a LOT of milk, and if it weren’t for all the sugar in it I’d drink more.

        • Shanzgood

          I wouldn’t know the pricing at all if not for my kids. I don’t drink either, and they guzzle milk but rarely drink soda.

    • miss_grundy
      • Contemplative Ron

        Dat’s da bunny. Apparently a few dozen whinging farmers can affect the trade policy of a nation of 325 million people.

  • Shanzgood

    I don’t know much about churchy stuff, having been raised by atheists. That makes me a great match for a born & raised and still practicing Catholic, right? I didn’t inherit all the sex taboos and it’s ALL still nasty and consequently super exciting to a former altar boy, so…whee!

    • Celtic_Gnome

      John Waters said in an interview that he thanks God every day that he was raised Catholic because, no matter what, sex will always be dirty.

      • Shanzgood

        Ha! I was joking. Mostly.

  • wait! what?

    Now look, no one is to stone anyone until I blow this whistle.

    https://youtu.be/ffwFXGPRDu4

    • LeftyProud

      Love thIs scene!

  • ez

    A bit off topic, BUT, did the fact the Guv resigned save his government pension?

    • Shanzgood

      Interesting question. I’d like to know as well.

      • davej1s

        Me too!

        • Shanzgood

          I suspect “yes” considering Palin.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      If so, he chickened out and so did the prosecution.

      On a scale of one to ten, Budd Dwyer being a 10, I’d rate him about a .9.

      • hendenburg2

        is that 9 or 0.9?

        • Mehmeisterjr

          0.9

    • MuttsRule

      No. He had to give up his pension and his security detail.

      • ez

        Thank you, that’s good to hear.

  • Laura911

    Apparently, the congregation had run out of stones.

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      That kind of congregation never, ever runs out of stones. It’s just that the authorities frown on actual stoning.

  • Idiokraticdrumpfenjugend

    “Ain’t gwayne have no adultrifiers sullying up our sanctimonarium!” – Spokesperson for the First Baptist Church of Tuscaloosa.

  • MamaBrown

    Doxy? Nah. Floozy maybe.

  • Bebecca

    So is it any wonder I’m an atheist?

  • miss_grundy

    “a spiritual church is not some kind of social picnic club with which Satan and those who will follow him should be comfortable or supported.”

    Hmmm, so how do these fundies, and I am including Baptists, defend the Tangerine Toddler?????????

    • unclejeems

      Jesus wants American to be great. Cheeto is making America great again. QED. Fuckface von Clownstick is an agent of the Lord!

    • pianoplayer1

      According to televangelists, God is using a flawed President to bring America back to Christ.

  • Mavenmaven

    Don’t worry, eventually Pastor McKee will likely be found with a rentboy or the like. It’s a neverending cycle of hypocrisy.

    • Wellstone En Resistencia, Coño

      Pictures of GTFO.

    • NerdWithNoName

      And then we will really believe that they were only boning spiritually and not physically.

  • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

    Seen on Jim Wright’s Facebook commentariat: “The only difference between the Baptists and the Taliban is bacon”.

    • Jack Rogue Tenhet

      Absolutely right on the nose there!

  • davej1s

    “turning the communion grape juice into cheap wine” I dunno y’all…that part sounds like a positive to me.

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      That would make them Episcopal.

      • Or worse….PAPISTS

        • Jack Rogue Tenhet

          NO!!! Not those bead rattling, idolator cannibal Papists! In Alabama, a Catholic is one step up from a child-murderer.

          • mardam422

            And usually one step to the right of a sister-fucker.

          • Yellerduck

            Well, you can’t much help that. Especially in a crowd.

    • Wellstone En Resistencia, Coño

      Isn’t that what Boone’s Farm does on a daily basis? I gotz teh memories of Strawberry Hill-infused bachanalia seared in my brain from when I was young and I refuse to let all that go.

      • pianoplayer1

        College!

      • davej1s

        I dunno, I am pretty sure that Jesus-wine is better than Boone’s Farm and you should probably take pause before going out into t thunderstorm next time…what with the lightening and all. Any wine that is magically created out of water by an imaginary sky dude is, by definition, cheap.

  • Courser_Resistance

    Oh, I have a lovely idea (Particularly as I is an old that no one really wants to fuck anymore).

    We need to deploy luscious girls and boys to tempt all those conservative white men into iniquity! Then their preachers will drum them out of their churches and so on and so forth. It’ll be torches and pitchforks for them. In return, we will honor and protect those who so bravely gave up their virtue for the Resistance.

    Okay, so it’s 4/20 and I’ve already partaken…

    • Bitter Scribe

      Giving up their virtue is one thing. Giving it up to those guys is something else.

  • Jack Rogue Tenhet

    This guy ran with the same stupid promise 45 made, not to take a salary. He only won the seat because rednecks are fear-based creatures who thought evil Democrats were going to jihad the country and take all the guns, because BLACK PRESIDENT! RUN, Jethro!

    Fear and organized religion are the same damned thing. One feeds off the other and it’s an endless cycle of hypocrisy, lies, duplicity and terrorism. When you base an entire belief system on the torture and murder of human beings, profess “love”, yet create an afterlife of unending torment for anyone who questions anything, logic becomes a sin and true enlightenment is met with hate and distrust.

    That’s why they keep electing people like Bentley. They always will.

    • Wellstone En Resistencia, Coño

      You got that right.

    • Jeff Ackerman

      Well said, I ran across this just the other day,
      “Religion is based . . . mainly on fear . . . fear of the mysterious, fear of defeat, fear of death. Fear is the parent of cruelty, and therefore it is no wonder if cruelty and religion have gone hand in hand. . . . My own view on religion is that of Lucretius. I regard it as a disease born of fear and as a source of untold misery to the human race.” Bertrand Russell

    • MuttsRule

      Actually, he was called the “Accidental Governor” because he improbably won in 2010 over other Republicans who were thought to have better chances, but who hammered away at each other. One of them, Bradley Byrne, actually had to publicly deny charges made in negative ads that he believed in evolution and didn’t believe in the inerrancy of the Bible. Once Bentley won the primary, he’d effectively won the governorship. Bentley got through med school in spite of such an impoverished childhood that he reportedly didn’t have a toothbrush until he was 8 years old, which is actually pretty impressive. But then, when in office, he announced Alabama would refuse to accept Syrian refugees, refused to accept Medicaid expansion for Alabamians (because no one needs a toothbrush until they’re 8, I guess), and tried to close DMV offices, which would have had the effect of disenfranchising African American voters.

  • JoeChristmas

    God just told me these people are scum buckets.

    • Bub, Zombie of the Resistance

      I don’t need God to figure that out.

  • OrdinaryJoe

    She is a reasonably attractive woman, seems to be acceptably smart and half his age, easy. He looks like something from a horror movie. Can the force of raw naked ambition really be that strong? SMH

    • Bub, Zombie of the Resistance

      QED, my friend. QED.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Of course it is.

      Despite his plucked-chicken looks, he had power, real power. As the far-from-glamorous Henry Kissinger noted, that is an aphrodisiac, especially for a completely and utterly corrupt glorified hooker.

    • Bebecca

      power being the ultimate aphrodisiac?

      • pianoplayer1

        Plus, big bucks for her and her hubby. Kay Ivey, the new governor, fired hubby on her first day on the job.

      • Magyar Has Had It With Trump

        He might be packing 10 inches. Who can say?

    • pianoplayer1

      He is not stupid. He is a physician.

      • sgt. jmk of the résistance

        Ben Carson is a physician.

        There’s no guarantee it means non-stupidity.

        • Magyar Has Had It With Trump

          Or any common sense, empathy, &c

  • hendenburg2

    Aw man, now I want a Satanic picnic club!

    (it should include a satanic mechanic in case peoples’ cars break down)

    • chicken thief

      If there had been a satanic Titanic mechanic maybe, just maybe, the sumbitch wouldn’t have sunk.

      • CindyinEncinitas

        Don’t panic. I know a satanic Titanic mechanic. He’s on a boat in the Atlantic. I’ll call him.

      • hendenburg2

        I dunno, if a Titan had been onboard it might have sunk while it was still in the harbor

  • Bub, Zombie of the Resistance

    Then again, your Southern Babtists say the Bible’s text as handed down to King James is inerrant and perfect

    Anyone who really believes that is, quite simply, a mushwit. They might be very nice people…but they’re mushwits.

  • ServantToTheStars

    Can’t the Deacon just give her a Communion Suppository or something?

    • Wellstone En Resistencia, Coño

      I think he’s done that already multiple times.

      • Magyar Has Had It With Trump

        Ewwww

  • chicken thief

    Nothing to do with nothing, but I’ve seen nutcrackers with a smoother transition from jowl to chin that the good Gov Bentley.

  • Wellstone En Resistencia, Coño

    But they were making money and keeping the blah people from voting! That’s the Christianista thing to do, isn’t it? They’re not being treated fairly. Sad.

  • Carpe Vagenda

    So Pastor Whatsit threw out the scarlet woman’s entire family while the guy with the scarlet stuck to his pubes just had to quit teaching sunday school? Sounds like Pastor Whatsit has some work to do on the whole Caesar/God thing.

    • pianoplayer1

      Both of them were kicked out.

      • Carpe Vagenda

        Actually, Mrs. the Governor wasn’t asked to leave, just her husband, his mistress and her husband. I’m just wondering what moral distinction he draws between Mrs. the Governor and Mr. the Mistress.

        • pianoplayer1

          Mrs. Bentley did nothing wrong. Adulterer’s husband took bribes.

          • Carpe Vagenda

            Ah. This was not mentioned in the story. Do you have a link to the details?

    • cats530

      Don’t you know that it’s always the woman’s fault? ALWAYS. Gawd said so when he personally wrote the Wholly Babble (which good Christians claim is “inerrant” in its words) and came up with the brilliant story of Original Sin.

      • Ducksworthy

        Original Sin is like Coke Classic. Am I right?

  • chicken thief

    If McKee had his little ‘hit the fucking road’ pow wow with the Bentley’s and Mason’s before the sex tape was released, is it possible that it was the first Jon Mason had heard of his wife boning, not boning, the Gov?

    If so, that would be pretty cold, Pastor, even for an Agent of the Lord.

    • pianoplayer1

      He knew, but had been given $$$$$$$ by the Love Gov.

  • SCK

    Usually I’d avoid the snotty schadenfreude, but not this time!

  • Panika MCD

    Babtits!

  • Belasaurius

    fuck ’em. Next

  • kindness

    When Mason was in the heat of passion boning the governor, I wonder what she was really thinking about at that moment? I can’t believe she was thinking about what a hunk and sex king the governor is. I mean, look at that pic of him. Does that look like fantasy sex on any level? Only to the blind. So…who or what was she imagining while they rutted? (yea I need a little brain bleech after that)

    • pianoplayer1

      He looks like Mr. Burns. Mrs. Bentley is still very pretty.

    • lurch394

      Who knows? I’m told ugly people can be good in bed. I have no experience in that, which may be my loss.

  • TakingAmes

    Having grown up a Southern Baptist and attended more than one church from which the head pastor had to resign upon committing adultery with a congregant, I agree with this story.

    • pianoplayer1

      Probably half of the First Baptist Church of Tuscaloosa cheated on their first spouse, then divorced and married their adultery partner. They were not kicked out. Why? Their “sluttiness” did not make front page news, which embarrassed the church. I live in Alabama. I know these folks.

    • cats530

      I thought sinners belonged in church? So they could see the error of their ways, repent, atone, etc., and if they are stubborn the rest of the congregation keeps working on them.

  • norcalOG

    We should remember it took the Southern Baptists longer to apologize for their role in the continuance of slavery (and Jim Crow) than for white South Africans to apologize for Apartheid.

    • Magyar Has Had It With Trump

      Didn’t they do it at about the same time?

  • Selena60

    Man, I can see why she was attracted to him. That guy is hot!!!! No seriously, she should have been run out of town for having such bad taste.

    • cats530

      Q: Why should you take at least two Baptists if you are going fishing?
      A: Because if you only take one, he’ll drink all your beer.

      • lurch394

        There are so many variations, but here are some of the eternal truths of Judeo-Christianity:
        1. Jews don’t recognize Jesus as Messiah.
        2. Protestants don’t recognize the Pope as the head of the church.
        3. Baptists don’t recognize each other in liquor stores (strip clubs, Unitarian churches).

    • ConnieHinesDorothyProvine

      I saw a series of pictures of Robert Bentley next to pictures of Mr. Burns. They DO look pretty similar.

  • cats530

    “…is the story of Bentley and Mason being shown the door of the First Baptist Church of Tuscaloosa because of all that sinning,”

    Whocouldanode? And here I always thought sinners were welcome at church. I’ll bet the good Christian congregation enjoyed righteously smiting these sinners and hurling them out the church doors.

    • ConnieHinesDorothyProvine

      I just bet that the Buybull-thumpers say “At leas’ that thur guvner ain’t no homo!”

  • Bee-Doo

    Too hypocritical for a Baptist church? Now I’ve seen everything.

  • azeyote

    Mary Magdalene weeps

  • norcalOG

    It was really quid pro quo. If she allowed his quid into her pro quo, she got to be governor.

  • Amazing that a Baptist church refused to forgive ex-Gov Baptist T. Horndog and That Jezebel.

  • dshwa

    5 bucks says the Reverend wrote that at the strip club.

    • lynchie

      While getting a hummer from a trany while a mule was tossing his salad

      • HorseChestnut

        Ouch, I didn’t expect to see “t****y” here this morning. It’s a slur. Is receiving oral sex from a trans person really in the same “embarrassing perversion” category as having a mule lick your asshole?

        • lynchie

          it is to a Baptist

  • ConnieHinesDorothyProvine

    A good ol’ boy southern politician who acted all Christian-y turned out to be a hypocrite.

    Must be a day ending in Y.

  • Celtic_Gnome

    WWRJD.

    What Would Republican Jesus Do?

    He’d take that lousy sinner out back and kick his ass, because sex sins are ten times worse than any other kind of sin.

    Except abortion. That goes without saying.

  • 47of74

    Or awww dad, I was trying to make a point here!

    • lurch394

      The Big Guy tends to be pretty hands-off. Mary, on the other hand, doesn’t play that.

  • Skadi

    “throwing him out at the risk of his becoming a dirty Unitarian or something.”

    Nuh-uh. We’ll happily take the hookers and IRS agents, but even we have standards.

    • lynchie

      I have always said I am happy to go to hell because that is where the hookers all are. Heaven has got the ugly virgins

      • Skadi

        Whose love is given over-well
        Shall look on Helen’s face in Hell,
        Whilst those whose love is thin and wise
        May view John Knox in Paradise.

  • crazymonkeylady

    What was that ‘One Weird Trick’ that saggy ass boob chaser used to sucker this crazy woman into a love affair with Droopy Dog?? What drug was she snorting??

  • The Reverend Stu’

    Blazing Saddles is one of the greatest movies of all time.

  • Joseph Stans

    Those folks down at the first baptist Chruch of Tuscolonia there in Alabama sure are beacons of the true Christian spirit.

    • lurch394

      They’re in a college town, so they have to counteract all the sekular hyoomanists.

  • Truly Madly Derply

    I will be forever mystified by Mason’s attraction to Governor Crypt Keeper. Was she on Step 11 of her “12 Steps to Necrophilia” program?

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