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Morning Wonketariat! Happy 4/20 Mary-juana-funtime day! Here’s some of the things we may be talking about today (totally sober-ish).

Hey! Wonkette likes to party, but we need monies too! So donate/subscribe and we’ll be able to keep busting our butts, and partying, and stuff!
[Don’t really know what Dom is talking about here, but he gets up at like 2 a.m. to write these, so we are guessing drugs.]

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  • Nounverb911
    • Crystalclear12

      Yep, I’m going to double fisting it today myself.

      • The Wanderer

        Kinky.

        • Crystalclear12

          I wish:(

          • The Wanderer

            (virtual hug)

  • Nounverb911
    • dslindc

      Yes please, and keep them coming!

  • Nounverb911
    • We’re already working on titles for this

    • FlemmishSpy

      Donnie: “So you just quit after a couple of years?”

    • OneYieldRegular

      What, and no Kanye West??

    • Left Coast Tom

      Hmm…no Todd Palin…

      • From Russia with Love

        How’s she gonna give Donny a rimjob with Todd in the house?

        • TakingAmes

          Todd holds the camcorder.

    • Crystalclear12

      Hey, where’s the tobacco spit cup?

    • Vincent Ricola

      Right-click > save as “aunt Doris” in my war on Christmas Card folder.

    • I resent my tax dollars being spent on feeding these assholes. Seriously.

    • coozledad

      Chee-Haw.

    • snigsy

      Idiots of a feather . . .

    • ariel_gee_398

      A black man putting his feet up on the desk in the Oval Office was disrespectful, but two has beens who don’t even have the manners to take their hats off inside is okay.

      • From Russia with Love

        IOKIYAA redneck or an airline pilot.

      • Persistent Demme

        They have to use hats because they can’t cover up their bald spots like Trump.
        He has mad “bald spot” skillz.

    • Robbertjan Brandenburg

      A Duck Dynasty reunion!

    • ariel_gee_398

      For once, Donald Trump may actually be the smartest person in the room.

      • h4rr4r

        Then who was taking the picture?

        • ariel_gee_398

          For my theory to hold, either Kellyanne or Spicey.

        • Shanzgood

          Obama’s spycam. Duh.

          • h4rr4r

            The Microwave!

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      Needz moar hungry tigers.

    • coozledad

      Here i come again now baby
      like a hog in estrus
      i got myself an Alaskan pee-hooker
      and electric guitar Festus.

      You know I’ve been smoking me something
      makes me shit my drawers
      Gonna try and grab me some pussy
      I tell ’em “it’s just s’mores.”

    • h4rr4r

      White Trash House.

    • PubOption

      New line-up for ‘The Biggest Loser’?

    • Mavenmaven
    • Little Doll–MOAMF

      And I also love the classy picture they took, standing in front of Hillary’s portrait giving the finger.

      You’re not fit to take out her trash, you twats.

    • bupkus23

      Was that “Mrs. Nugent” jailbait when they met – or was that some other poor kid that experienced the Splooge?

    • Werewolf

      Caribou Barbie dresses to go to the White House like she’s going to a honky-tonk.

    • Amy!

      Donald hosts five people who are all, improbably, both more intelligent and wealthier than he, for dinner at the Very White House.

      No word on whether post-prandial entertainment involved women of slavic descent and easy virtue desecrating the former sleeping places of an actual (but now, sadly, former) president.

  • Anna Elizabeth

    Does Anypony think anyone in the Traitor’s White House is aware that the Chess term “Checkmate” is actually from the Persian? “Shah Mat“. “The King is Dead”. Iran has been playing for a *long* time.

    Drumpf and the subhumans in his clique want to play The Game of Kings against Iran? See the mighty fall.

    • Brad H

      Those assholes would have a hard time winning solitare while cheating. Someone needs to explain to Shitgibbon that cancelling the deal with Iran gives them the green light to restart their nuclear program.

      • Anna Elizabeth

        Indeed. *shakes head*

    • NorthernSaber

      When I used to teach the Iran section of AP Comparative Politics I used to tell the kids the same thing- namely that Iran, irrespective of ruler, has always viewed itself as being in a VERY long-game match with the region’s Arabs (largely Sunni) and (secondarily) with the West. Like any skilled player they use gambits and feints, and their end-game may not be readily apparent. I’m not certain Trump is at their level…

      • Anna Elizabeth

        I am *quite* certain that Drumpf cannot even comprehend their level.

    • TakingAmes

      Yeah, that won’t go well. Persians are a patient people.

  • Nounverb911
  • calliecallie

    Had to skip straight to the wolf puppy. Too much news on the agenda and none of it very promising.

    • The list was longer than usual this morning, I noticed. The wolf puppy helped, though.

    • It’s actually not all bad news this morning!

      • Crystalclear12

        Yes, but the ratio still leans heavily towards day drinking.

      • calliecallie

        Looking forward to some happy nice times later today then.

  • Nounverb911

    Giselle wouldn’t let Tommy go see the SAD SAD preznit.
    https://twitter.com/NYDailyNews/status/854830245102460928

  • Claire

    I understand intellectually that pricing the internet out of reach of Nowheresville, USA would be a Bad Thing, but just think how much better a place the world’s comment sections would be.

    • ariel_gee_398

      We won’t fix the problem until we price out Russian trolls in Montenegro.

      • Claire

        Maybe we can buy them off with a lifetime supply of Doritos.

    • Vincent Ricola

      HEY! I’m funny and smart and do good comments… my mom told me so!

      • Crystalclear12

        Before or after she asked you to clean the basement?

    • AJ Milne

      Dunno… Suspect there’s uniformed assholery aplenty coming also from the fibre-linked burbs and within…

      (Might reduce those brutal flame wars over John Deere vs. International Harvester, tho’.)

  • OneYieldRegular

    Duh. Obviously the U.S.S. Carl Vinson disappeared into the Bermuda Triangle of the South China Sea.

    • Singapore?

      • Nounverb911

        They probably turned it into a new high rise already.

  • coozledad

    Ossoff lost so hard Chaffetz is leaving office and Todd Ricketts is turning down an opportunity to suck tit.

    Bernie Sanders is the Republicans’ last hope.

  • snigsy

    So, the world survived another day. Yay!

  • Msgr_MΩment

    Does failing a Trump Administration pee test mean that you can’t get it up for a bunch of Russian hookers?

  • Left Coast Tom

    Ann Coulter’s speech at Berkley has been canceled over fears of violent protests, but she plans to go anyway, because of freedumbs, and ‘Merica, and The Banana Republic.

    She can rant in the downtown Berkeley BART station.

    • The Wanderer

      She’ll have to jockey for space with the street people, mimes, and the mentally ill.

      • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

        So she’ll fit right in.

        • Skeptical_thinker

          She will never be confused with a mime.

          • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

            I was thinking of the other 2 categories

    • Persistent Demme

      So sick of all these conservative assholes using Berkeley for their own purposes.
      What a tired cliche they are holding up for their “fans.”

  • Nounverb911
  • Robbertjan Brandenburg

    Next week Ivanka Trump will be meeting with our Queen Maxima at the Women’s G20 in Germany. Since Maxima is from Argentina she might cut a bitch.

    http://www.w20-germany.org/

    • HazooToo

      Good. Hopefully first, she’ll publicly prove that Ivanka has no goddamn business being anywhere near a G20 meeting of any kind, anywhere, at any time.

      • Robbertjan Brandenburg

        Christine Lagard and Angela Merkel are there as well so I she doesn;t these other ladies might.

        • Little Doll–MOAMF

          I hope they shun Ivanka, and shun her mightily.

    • Anna Elizabeth

      Queen Maxima? That’s fucking Badass! :D “God Save *Us* from the Queen!”

      • From Russia with Love

        Biggus Clittus.

        • Anna Elizabeth

          XD

      • Robbertjan Brandenburg
        • Anna Elizabeth

          Wow. :) I want to be Dutch.

          • From Russia with Love

            OK, you can pay half on all our dates.

          • Anna Elizabeth

            XD I usually pay anyway, at least when I date women.

          • Robbertjan Brandenburg

            Everyone does. ;)

          • NorthernSaber

            Ok, but we need to discus the Dutch language. It tends to be a bit, well, guttural. On the other hand they’re obsessed with cycling, they have damned fine beer, and Dutch aircrew (who were already co-ed then) wore bitchin’ bright orange flight suits at Keflavik 30 years ago. So I can handle being Dutch- so long as it doesn’t screw up my Swedish!

          • Robbertjan Brandenburg

            Dutch is the best language for cursing but I know to outsiders it might sound we are about to throw up.

          • NorthernSaber

            Lots of Dutch folks in Uppsala when I was there years ago- always sounded like they were cursing!

        • TakingAmes

          Yeah, Maxima’s a hawt bitch. And she wears awesome hats.

    • Red Bird Ω

      Why do I get the feeling that Ivanka is only allowed to be involved in serious business when her male owners tell her she can?

    • From Russia with Love

      Promise?

    • YoBunnyBunny

      I’m sure Ivanka has much advice to offer on the topic of “Financial Inclusion: Promoting female entrepreneurship and access to finance for women”, thusly:

      “Ask your daddy to pay for everything and start a business for you, right? That’s what I did.”

  • The Wanderer

    (Sessions): “Get a job, Hippie.”
    (Any random American): “Get a life, Dobby.”

    • chortlingdingo

      That’s an insult to Dobby, really.

      • The Wanderer

        Good.

        • chortlingdingo

          Hah! I did find Dobby to be pretty annoying, to be honest. Both in book and film form. I wasn’t very sad when he spoiler alert died in book 7.

          • The Wanderer

            You’re not spoiling it for me. I’m just surprised that Rowling didn’t have Harry naming one of his kids after the elf.

          • chortlingdingo

            Oh wow, he would have too. Harry should never be allowed to name anything. Ginny probably only agreed with “Albus Severus” because Harry’s alternative was Dobby Hedwig, or something. Poor kid. I’m a massive HP fan, but I do like to ignore the epilogue chapter.

  • memzilla Ω
  • House0fTheBlueLights

    Montana link goes to the wrong place.

  • Nounverb911
    • The Wanderer

      He’s a Bush; he’ll run the team straight into the ground like a lawn dart.

      • Antonin Dvorak

        But with the Marlins how can we tell?

        • The Wanderer

          Well put.

  • Claire

    UGH, all you disgusting plebes are dirtying up The Donald’s view. Away with you!

    https://twitter.com/Reuters/status/854878564994383872

  • The Wanderer

    The agency I work for has defined its stance on medical marijuana a couple of months ago, and it boils down to this: If you need medical marijuana, quit now.
    When Florida’s Supreme Court ruled that same-sex marriage was constitutional, our policy on allowing jail inmates to marry was changed to read: No more inmate marriages, ever, full stop, nuh-uh, ain’t happening.

    • HazooToo

      …. at least the marriage policy is equally pathetic…

      • The Wanderer

        Eyup.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Dear Wonketteers,
    I have a favor to ask. I am attending the March for Science this Saturday in St Paul Minnesota and I have yet to come up with a clever sign for the occasion so I am asking for suggestions. Snark, sarcasm and funny are desirable. Winner gets automatic thumb ups for year.
    Thanks in advance.
    MG

    • HazooToo

      “How did da moon git dere?”

    • Lefty Frizzell

      There’s no place like 127.0.0.1

    • Lefty Frizzell

      The earth is a globe you stupid fuckers

    • Anna Elizabeth

      “Science Works, unlike Trump”

    • snigsy

      I can’t think of anything snarky, sarcastic, or funny, just a simple “Science Saves Lives.”

    • PubOption

      Less Entropy in Government.

      • Skeptical_thinker

        Entropy isn’t what it used to be.

      • Monsieur_Grumpe

        I using yours for my sign because it is short and very nerdy.
        Thank you.
        MG

        • PubOption

          Happy to be of service.

    • Robbertjan Brandenburg

      If 97% of structural engineers say your house will collapse would you still stay inside?

      • Monsieur_Grumpe

        Winner!
        Thank you.
        MG

        • Robbertjan Brandenburg

          Don’t forget to post a picture!

    • ariel_gee_398

      Is climate change a hoax? Nyet!

    • Crystalclear12

      97% of scientists believe Donald Trump is a hoax.

    • From Russia with Love

      Do we really need to relearn everything since Pythagoras was a teenager?

    • Keith Taylor

      WE REALLY DID DESCEND FROM APES. THE PRESIDENT DIDN’T DESCEND FAR ENOUGH.

    • Kiri the Unicorn
    • The Earth is Round
      Gravity is Real
      Science has found
      Mass Appeal

    • Crystalclear12

      I wrote this protest sign by the light of a burning river.

    • Crystalclear12

      Trump – a reminder that voting is not optional.

    • Persistent Demme

      Facts Matter.

    • Querolous

      Science has the solutions!

  • Lefty Frizzell

    Trump’s poll numbers aren’t tanking that much. 10% bump for blowing shit up seems like a really dangerous lesson for a narcissistic toddler to learn.

    • snigsy

      That’s my worry, too.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      Didn’t he actually brag that he hit 50% this week? (Uh, dude that means you were BELOW 50% before)

      • Keith Taylor

        Wasn’t it the Rasmussen pollsters who rated him that high?

        • puredog

          Yes, and they are hacks. It is known.

        • House0fTheBlueLights

          right. lolsob

  • Nounverb911
    • HazooToo

      What a surprise! It’s me again! Who could have predicted this very predictable outcome?

      • From Russia with Love

        “Where’s that little short motherfucker? Let’s run him again for a couple years.”

      • wait! what?

        …all the people that accidentally died running against me.

    • The Wanderer

      Pfft. Yeah, *after* he rigs the electoral law to permit his hand-picked candidate to win.

    • ariel_gee_398

      I’m surprised he lets himself be photographed next to men of normal height.

    • TundraGrifter

      Next is the Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy.

    • So….Medvedev?

    • Lance Thrustwell

      In Putin’s Russia, ballot picks YOU! Okay, so maybe that lil meme is a bit tired, I don’t care.

    • That soldier looks like he is about to slap a bitch

  • baconzgood

    Another thing that sucks about this half way house. Since it’s 4-20 they are looking at everyone’s butt hole for contraband AKA pot.

    • WomanInThePersistence

      It’s good to see you. Good luck next week! I’ll be sending good thoughts your way!

      • LucindathePook

        I missed something. Does Baconz have a chance to get out soon??????

        • baconzgood

          Maybe. I have to see THE MAN on tuesday.

          • LucindathePook

            YAY!

    • Anna Elizabeth

      Consider not wiping.

      • puredog

        Or pull the old Frank Zappa induction trick (apocryphal?) and smear peanut butter there. When they ask what it is, pull out a finger full and eat it and say, “Tastes like peanut butter.”

        • Anna Elizabeth

          They might punish Baconz for that, tho.

          • Shanzgood

            It would give the OCD guy a nervous breakdown, though. That guy wears medical gloves to do paperwork. I can’t wait until baconz tells him what he’s done to all the rolls of TP in the staff bathroom!

          • Anna Elizabeth

            XD

      • baconzgood

        I’m going to try really hard to shart.

        • Anna Elizabeth

          XD

    • From Russia with Love

      They must have invented some new ways to smoke it since I was a kid?

    • The Wanderer

      Eat lots of cabbage.

    • Shanzgood

      Not literally, though, right?

      • baconzgood

        Strip search day today!

    • HazooToo

      Eat tons of broccoli and 7 day old fish.

      • Shanzgood

        They can’t have any outside food unless it’s something like delivery from a pizza place or Chinese restaurant. He got busted for bringing an orange back because he was desperate for fresh fruit.

        • HazooToo

          What the fuck? Like what actually I don’t I can’t BRAIN these people?!

          • Shanzgood

            No brains allowed.

        • baconzgood

          It could have been a wepon.

          • Contemplative Ron

            You’d have been in real trouble if it had been a banana or, God help you, a raspberry.

  • chortlingdingo

    Wolves are so beautiful. I’m always blown away when I see pictures or videos of people with fully grown wolves. They’re massive!

    • From Russia with Love

      Sure, but all the dingos I know say that.

      • chortlingdingo

        Eh, you got me. It’s jealousy.

        • Lance Thrustwell

          Nobody respects the hyenas!

          • chortlingdingo

            Hyenas are pretty badass. Their social structure is fascinating!

          • Lance Thrustwell

            They’re kind of frightening-looking. Those weird, sloped bodies, those little heads and huge teeth.

          • Indivisible Snark Tank

            Pssssh. They just follow that one lion with the big scar on his face. Besides, one of ’em sounds like Cheech, and that’s not badass.

          • chortlingdingo

            Does Whoopi Goldberg make it better or worse?

          • Indivisible Snark Tank

            Yes.

  • Chadwells

    “Rat fuck trash goblin”….you are doing god’s work, my man!! Fucking love it!!!

    • Carpe Vagenda

      Dominic DGAF is a high point of my morning.

    • thanks!

    • NorthernSaber

      Tell me that couldn’t have been a Zappa album title!

  • Carpe Vagenda

    Roger Stone loves all the attention people are giving him for being a rat fuck trash goblin left over from the Nixon-era

    Surely not. @maggienyt said he didn’t get involved with politics until Reagan. jk, he worked for CREEP in college.

  • Scooby

    Yes, but maybe he can pee test all the hookers.

  • Keith Taylor

    Yes, ’tis I. The Australian bloke is back again, and I’m sort of worried. I mean, President Trump may have thought it was a brilliant ploy to confuse the crazy North Korean dictator to say formidable U.S. battleships were on their way to South East Asia when in fact they were headed for joint exercises with the Australian navy in the Indian Ocean. May have. But I’m thinking it’s more likely he doesn’t know the Indian Ocean, or even Australia, from South East Asia, and had no idea in the wide world where his aircraft carriers actually were. As I say, it worries me. If he decides at some time to carry out half-baked, ill-considered military action against North Korea, that’d be bad enough — but what if he sends aircraft carriers and bombers and missiles against Australia by mistake?
    “Wha, hey, Australia’s a country south of the U.S.A., right? Probably part of Messico, no biggie.”
    At this point I wouldn’t rule out the chance.

    • Scooby

      He still can’t figure out how they didn’t fall off the edge of the world

    • HazooToo

      Be worried. Trump is a bigger threat than whatever is lurking in your toilet bowl right now.

      • Keith Taylor

        No offence to your country intended — this is probably no more than many many Americans are thinking — but whatever is lurking in Australian toilet bowls right now, even outback two-hole dunnies, may well be more attractive than the orange man elected through voter suppression. I just hope he’s impeached or Article-25’d very soon, and wish to God we could somehow legally deport Turnbull and Hanson.

        • Ω cynmac will never surrender

          Wow, a furriner knows more about our constitution than Dolt 45? Unpossible.

    • Claire

      “Fire all your guns at Syria! Now now now!”

      “But Mr. President, we’re off the coast of Sidney -”

      “FIRE THEM RIGHT NOW!”

      • Doug Langley

        Sidney, Syria, what’s the difference?

      • Keith Taylor

        Well, if we do cop a salvo from an aircraft carrier’s biggest guns, and then missiles, I just hope for one thing. May the first shell or missile make a direct hit on our most rotten, loathsome, unprincipled journo columnist, Andrew Bolt. I truly hate that bastard. He works for the Murdoch media empire and says whatever the Murdoch empire requires. When Obama entered the White House Bolt described his transition team as a “collection of spivs, chancers and tax cheats”. I’ve yet to hear him say one critical word about the grotesque freak show Mr. Trump has assembled, or the chaos that has characterized it. On January 30th he opened a column with, ” I HOPE Malcolm Turnbull watched Donald Trump on TV last weekend. He would have seen real leadership.”
        The worst of it, and the thing that makes Bolt utterly detestable, is that he actually has a brain and a good command of the English language. He’s even capable of doing research and getting his facts spot on target — when it suits his purposes. The rest of the time he lies, distorts, and character assassinates with no regard at all for facts and a high cheery zest. Bolt has actual talent — that’s the horrid and unpardonable thing.
        Please, if a missile comes our way, by accident or not, let it get this bastard first.

    • bupkus23

      “…and had no idea in the wide world where his aircraft carriers actually were….”

      Bingo! Rump ejaculated without even consulting the military, and the rest of his admin swore to it….

    • Major_Major_Major

      “Australia is practically Germany anyways.” DJT

      • Doug Langley

        “Austria, Australia, what’s the difference?”

        • Major_Major_Major

          Perzackly.

    • TakingAmes

      But, as we all know, he’s given the military full authority. Whatever that means. I’m pretty sure he’ll use that at some point to deflect blame for some catastrophic decision the Pentagon makes regarding bombing of brown people that results in massive casualties.

  • Nounverb911

    Charbucks introduced this wonder yesterday….
    https://twitter.com/frankthorp/status/854808269793239041

    • I’m just going to get a chocolatey chip creme frapp today. Yay free birthday drink!

      • chortlingdingo

        Happy birthday! Enjoy the frapp :)

      • Yellerduck

        I once won a 50-free-coffee drink punch card for being the 5th customer through the door of a new Starbucks in my neighborhood. It was good for 50 of any coffee drinks in the house. I drink nothing but black coffee; can’t stand the sweet stuff. I actually had people get angry at me for ‘wasting’ my prize.

        • Shanzgood

          The baristas probably didn’t mind.

    • The Wanderer

      What fresh hell is this?

      • Kiri the Unicorn

        I’m running away as fast as I can from this horror, and I have room for a passenger. Come with me, if you want to live!

    • wide_stance_hubby

      Starbucks is evil. Always and forever.

      • Celtic_Gnome

        And their hot chocolate is shitty as well.

    • Antonin Dvorak

      I’d still pick this over one of those rainbow bagel abominations.

      • Shanzgood

        I don’t believe those are real.

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      The shot of antifreeze lends it a teasing piquancy.

    • chortlingdingo

      A friend of mine took one for the team and got one. He said it took hours to get the taste out of his mouth afterwards.

      • Ω cynmac will never surrender

        A friend of mine got one and liked it. Lost 100 Kewl Points ™ for that. Plus I will never again trust her food recommendations.

    • TakingAmes

      I just like the reviewer’s tag line: “This takes like sour birthday cake and shame.”

  • Lance Thrustwell

    Wait a second – that Marine Corps nudie pics thing – that wasn’t illegal already? Why do they need a special ‘ban’?

    • Chadwells

      Right?! WTFF?!?

      • Lance Thrustwell

        I mean, don’t get me wrong – whatever makes these assholes stop is a good thing. I just don’t get why they can’t just enforce privacy/property laws.

        • Think of the military as a parallel world, complete with its own laws, ethics and customs.

          • bupkus23

            “Thank you for your service” is gaining a whole new meaning in my mind….

          • Anna Elizabeth

            I haven’t said those words since a USMC veteran told me he wasn’t “serving to protect Dykes and Atheists.”

            Fuck them all in the neck.

          • Shanzgood

            What a charmer. He’s also wrong.

          • Anna Elizabeth

            I’m thinking with Drumpf in Command, the US Military is going to learn to shed their arrogance. I wonder if Iran or Russia itself will break more Mama’s hearts?

          • Opalescent Riddles

            Some, I assume, are good people.

            Edit to add: but seriously, fuck that guy.

    • Lady soldiers are still a new thing; jarheads are still trying to find a way to jam that in their nugget.

    • YoBunnyBunny

      La sigh… when treating someone else (especially of female-person kind) with common decency ain’t that obvious… Jeez lou-goddamn-weeze.

  • Chadwells

    I read something yesterday about Venezuela giving the Dampnut campaign $4 million…as their people starve. Anyone else see that?

  • Nounverb911
    • Anna Elizabeth

      Gronk!

    • ariel_gee_398

      Gronk has the right level of intelligence to work in this White House, but he’s a bit too curious to really fit in.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        He’s a vaguely amusing lout. He went to college here…not the worst entitled jockbro in the world.

    • HazooToo

      Okay, that was kind of adorable. But we don’t need a Gronk, we need a Kronk!

    • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

      “George said there were rabbits here.”

  • Chadwells
  • alwayspunkindrublic

    I was wondering how long it would take for Miss Lindsay to publicly blow Trump on national television. He actually resisted longer than I thought.

    • ariel_gee_398

      If Trump had known that all he had to do was bomb some brown people to win Lindsey’s heart, he’d have done that ages ago.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        He’s had so much success with that strategy, it looks like he’s going to repeat it at every hot spot in the world. Thank you Republican and MSM bootlicks!

    • The Wanderer

      Did he at least swallow? Seeing semen on Hannity’s chin is bad enough.

    • You should have seen Scarborough blowing Trump and towing the line for Fox News, Roger Ailes and O’Reilly this morning. It was pathetic.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        Joe never breaks up for long, does he? Of course, compared to a dead intern, O’Reilly seems almost benign.

      • Anna Elizabeth

        I really don’t know how Y’all stand to watch that shitbird.

        • Shanzgood

          My X used to put it on the TV in the morning until I stopped ignoring it and actually listened to the words and lost my mind.

          • Ghenghis McCann

            So that’s how you ended up not commenting here.

            “There are eight million stories in the naked city; this has been one of them”

          • Shanzgood

            I think I followed BCO over from Jezebel and realized OMG JEZEBEL SUCKS SO I WILL STAY HERE AT WONKETTE FOREVER!

          • puredog

            I miss The Hairpin in its salad days. . . .

          • Shanzgood

            I don’t remember that. I just don’t like the commenters there. They are really bitchy and condescending.

          • Major_Major_Major

            Unlike sun’s here, who are erudite and classy as fuck.

          • Shanzgood

            At least we don’t eat our own. Not without consent, anyway. And we welcome new Wonkers.

          • Ghenghis McCann

            I like how the non-posters here know that irony doesn’t mean resembling iron.

  • Nounverb911
    • The Wanderer

      A Murdoch Crime Family member and a guy who killed satire back in the 70s. ‘Nuff said.

    • ariel_gee_398

      So, Putin’s girlfriend and a war criminal. Money well spent, Time.

  • wait! what?

    Cute pup. That’s a Shadow government I’d support.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      An explosive allegation! Explosive butt-warming.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      This part I definitely believe

      Lahren holds no firm beliefs and was only interested in chasing Internet fame through viral videos

  • Longstreet63

    Look, the only reason that aircraft carrier didn’t go to Korea is that Trump ordered it to dock in Afghanistan first.

  • Isabella Martin

    During the American election, some Canadians put together a video expressing our sympathy to all that the American good folks have to endure . Apparently, most Americans who saw it found it condescending. Yesterday, “America” by Neil Diamond (I am an old) came on the radio-and I couldn’t help feeling so sorry for all of you-no condescension just complete sympathy. Hang tough, friends.

    • It’s like when someone outside your family pokes fun at your family even though you call em red neck morans all the time. Murricans get all persnickety about that

    • Courser_Resistance

      I didn’t take it as condescending – I appreciate it!

      Thanks, it’s very much appreciated by all us terrified Americans. Many of us are contemplating moves. I know I am, though not to Canada (yet).

    • The Librarian

      Those who found it condescending were probably the asshats who voted Trump or third party and think America isn’t the laughingstock of the world. I thank you for your support!!!

  • Hairstrike Alpha

    People, I ask you all in observance of Bill O’Reilly’s downfall to hang your falafel’s at half mast today…

  • Bill Slider

    So you’re writing between 2 a.m. and 8 a.m. Central Daylight Time, from Chicago, question sir: why don’t we ever hear about the grain report and pork futures?

    • rocktonsam

      that’s Max Armstrong’s job

    • Snarkbot 9000

      To hell with all that noise, soybeans are all that matters.

      • TakingAmes

        And corn, of course, for that sweet, sweet HFCS.

    • Internet Hitler

      Tune in Orion Samuelson’s farm report on WGN-TV at 4:30 am, 1966.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    DAVE’S NOT HERE, MAN!!

  • Undocumented Skwerl!

    So how is the White House celebrating Hitler’s birthday?

    https://timedotcom.files.wordpress.com/2012/04/08_47-52a.jpg

    • Gonna guess Holocaust denying since they already are so good at that

  • Shibusa
  • Angela Ruzzo

    Re Iran: Is there any country in the world which the US government does not think they have the right to tell what to do? What a good thing it is that we don’t have interstellar travel, or Trump would get mad at Proxima Centauri because they ban Ivanka’s clothing line, and start a war with them. This would make a good SNL skit.

  • Persistent Demme

    OMG, puppy!
    Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

  • Idiokraticdrumpfenjugend
  • The Jellybean

    Quite a few mismatched links here…

    • Oh shoot, I’ll fix them! Hang on…

    • Just TRIPLE checked everything, Montana DNC is corrected, and I added Sydney Morning Herald for Assange. Everything else was working on my end. Let me know if anything else, but email/tweet me if anything else is break and I can (usually) fix it w/i 20 minutes.

      • The Jellybean

        That was fast! Thank you! Wonkette rocks.

        • WE AIM TO PLEASE!

          Hard work is best rewarded with donations.

          *HINT*WINK*COUGH*

          • The Jellybean

            Lol! I am a monthly supporter. Keep up the good work!

      • Internet Hitler

        Good hacking, Dom!

      • phoenix00

        The cybers! You know it!

  • Edith Prickly

    Posting this again on it’s own because it’s fucking GOLD:
    https://youtu.be/gv2RnmQUMhI

  • ltmcdies

    https://twitter.com/kslnewsradio/status/855074319155724288

    Chaffetz might not finish his term…what has this guy got on him???

    • kittygrrl

      Rumor has it that Chaffetz, Ryan and McConnell were picked up on intercepts discussing campaign contributions for Rump from Russia which would certainly be illegal. Would explain why these MF refuse to investigate our traitorous treasonous president.

    • sgt. jmk of the résistance

      The Twitters is abounding with rumors that Ol’Benghazi Jason could resign as early as tomorrow…the speculation is that he engaged in a little light money-laundering, Ruskie-style.

      • ltmcdies

        makes more sense than running for re election in November and bailing in April….it’s not like his name is Palin or anything

  • kittygrrl

    As far as we know, no one has ever crossed the center line of a highway killing a family of six because they smoked too much weed. Alcohol, cigarettes and Big Pharma kill millions each year with the complicity of the federal government all for filthy lucre.
    Fuck you Jeffrey Beauregard Sessions, you tiny ignorant racist troll.

    • TakingAmes

      Pardon me, but it’s Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III. Gotta make sure that name is confederate enough.

    • Ω cynmac will never surrender

      How simple minded do you have to be to disapprove of the Klan because they smoke weed? Like “I’m okay with the violence and the racism, but smoking pot is a deal breaker”?

    • phoenix00

      Yes I agree Jeffrey Beauregard Sessions needs to be fucked thoroughly, but I’ve seen cars being driven while under the influence, and it’s pretty damn scary.

      I’m pro-marujuana as well, but heavy machinery and any kind of neurotransmitting drugs just should not mix.

  • UnsaltedSinner

    Unless I’m sadly mistaken, Korea was only ruled by China back in the middle ages, so the question does arise: Is Trump confusing Korea with Taiwan?

    • Ω cynmac will never surrender

      I asked the same question.

    • davidhollenshead

      Führer Trump does have trouble telling the difference between Syria & Iraq.
      But then he also has trouble telling the difference between jabbering in front of a microphone, and behaving like the POTUS.

    • Somecallmetim

      I wonder if China would be willing to rule us. At least until Trump’s term is done.

    • phoenix00

      Yes.

  • Internet Hitler

    Speaking of huffing and puffing – wolf pups rolling in weeds!

    • davidhollenshead

      SUPID DWOLF ATEZ KAT POOP FRM LITTR BOX !!!

  • Khavrinen

    “In its persistent need to jeopardize the whole of humanity, Trump’s administration is now setting its sights on Iran.”

    Man, talk about a group o people who need to “observe” 4-20…

  • Somecallmetim

    Wagging missiles at Iran is like slapping a rattlesnake with a pencil. Is it just me that thinks Trump is more likely to rain bombs down on any foreign affairs issue when he’s got an audience at the Mar A Lago dining room? We’re all fucked and I can’t get laid.

  • Somecallmetim

    Who’s taking bets that EXXON gets special permission?

  • phoenix00

    Why oh why would Ann Coulter insist on speaking despite strong chance of violence?
    So she can whine some more and play victim.

    And baby wolf pups are even more cuddly knowing they’re just a future savage beast.

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