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leave quickly and never come back

Oh good heavens, here is some news! Rep. Jason Chaffetz (R-UT), chair of the House Oversight Committee and FIENDISH ADDICT of investigating Hillary Clinton, has announced he won’t be seeking re-election in 2018! BYE FELICIA DON’T LET THE DOOR HIT YOU FELICIA!

Chaffetz made an announcement on his Facebook page, where he insisted he’s leaving for only the best reasons, because his misses his family and wants to be in the “private sector”:

For those that would speculate otherwise, let me be clear that I have no ulterior motives. I am healthy. I am confident I would continue to be re-elected by large margins. I have the full support of Speaker Ryan to continue as Chairman of the Oversight and Government Reform Committee. That said, I have made a personal decision to return to the private sector.

Yeah, that is fishy as fuck. Let’s wildly speculate about what the REAL reason might be, since Chaffetz just told us not to.

  • Maybe those town hall meetings with constituents — the ones he thought were paid to be there — really did hurted his feelings! He said people just came to “bully and intimidate him.” Did tears fall into his magic Mormon underpanties?
  • Maybe he fell into the wrong crowd in Washington and took up drinking Coca-Cola and coffee, and now he has to go back to Utah and repent so he isn’t banished from Mormon heaven. Oh fine, we will stop teasing the Mormons now.
  • Maybe there is a SEXXX SCANDAL! Is there a young lady or gentleman in Washington who fell victim to the seductive “come hither” glances that radiate from the molten smegma sculpture that is Jason Chaffetz’s face? If so, that young lady or gentleman has BAD TASTE.
  • Maybe he’s lost all the will to live, now that he doesn’t have Hillary Clinton to investigate. Maybe he’s in love with her. Maybe he shook her hand at the inauguration and InstaFaced about how his Hillary investigation would continue, because he couldn’t bear the thought of living in a world where he doesn’t get to read Hillary’s emails. :(
  • Maybe he just wants to be a lobbyist, because that is where the real bucks are.
  • Maybe he thinks that he might lose re-election, since everybody hates him and all the mean people are yelling at him and there’s this really cool Democratic doctor lady in Utah who’s raising eleventy billion ameros to run against him. But if that’s it, we should look at some stats:Thems is some numbers! If there was a remote possibility he might actually lose his seat, it makes us think there might be another shoe about to drop, something that would put him in real electoral danger. But what??????
  • Ohhhhhhhh, is it possible that Chaffetz is somehow dirty dirty dirty, and maybe caught up in the Trump Russia scandal? We should emphasize that this is still RUMORS, but that one British lady Louise Mensch (the one we take with a YOOGE grain of salt) has wildly speculated that Russia has kompromat on Chaffetz. WHOA IF TRUE! We don’t know if it is true, but …CAN’T. UNSEE. THAT. MENTAL. IMAGE. IN. OUR. BRAIN. But yeah, for real, is it possible Putin’s got him by the wee wee? Is he maybe going to GO TO JAIL, and that’s why he’s doing the right thing (for the GOP) by making this announcement now?

Oh well, we can’t figure it out for sure, so we’ll leave you to make up your own reasons in the comments, which are not allowed. It’s probably the pee hookers thing, though.

Wonkette is funded by readers like you! If you hate Jason Chaffetz, that’s as good a reason as any to click below and fund us!

[Buzzfeed / Jason Chaffetz on the Facebook]

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  • Anna Elizabeth

    Bye-bye, scrotum headed Beeyotch.

    • Gayer Than Thou

      Calling dibs on Scrotum Beeyotch as my new drag name.

      • Anna Elizabeth

        XD

  • exinkwretch

    K Street has an unquenchable thirst for rat/pig-faced weasels with Congressional experience, no moral compass and a burning desire for a seven-figure paycheck. It’s a perfect fit!

    • Cliff Hendroval

      They have standards. They wouldn’t take Rubio.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    Urine trouble now, Chaffetz!

  • Vincent Ricola

    Doucheface wants to be governor in 2020 and he knows he won’t get elected if he gets trounced in 2018. I hope he gets crushed by a pile of votes.

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      Since fucking Utahns keep electing this melting-faced nightmare, I would far rather see his destructive powers limited to the borders of their state than see him back in Congress.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Caught in bed with a live girl AND a dead boy.

    Place your bets.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      And a dog. And a pony.

      • Carole

        The pony he rode in on?

  • theblackdog

    The rumor I’ve been hearing is he’s going to run for Orrin Hatch’s seat in 2018.

    • anon_the_great

      Yeah, mebbe, but ya don’t quit your day job to run for the Senate, you just don’t do it.

      • theblackdog

        True and it may depend on the details of how this goes down. The other speculation is that if he does that Hatch would step aside, but I’m not so sure on that one. Also if he were to be running for Senate he wouldn’t be able to run in 2018 for the House, right?

        • Skeptical_thinker

          That is correct. At least in sane states. Wait! What? Utah…nevermind.

    • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

      I doubt it. Chaffetz’s toadying for Trump won’t win him any votes that Hatch already wouldn’t have, and being someone’s bat boy doesn’t really win you any respect.

  • anon_the_great

    OMG! Chaffetz has the EXACT face of someone who briefly made a living doing pee pee porn.

  • LarryHoudini

    Did you ever think that now Obama and his corrupt Chicago crowd has left town, and Crooked Hillary is no longer a threat, his job as Chairman of the Oversight Committee is not necessary? I mean, Trump seems to be running a pretty tight ship, if you ask me. ALL THIS TRUMP HATRED MAKES LIBS SO BLIND.
    lol

    • Villago Delenda Est

      If by a “tight ship” you mean one that swerves from lane to lane at random, then I guess it’s a tight ship.

      • snigsy

        Unfortunately, he talks of an “armada” of those ships.

        • Penny Dreadful Says Resist

          Headed toward NK by way of everywhere else.

      • The Witch of Endor

        Commanded by Crazy Ivan.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    “I must have…the secret…of John Podesta’s risotto!”

  • memzilla Ω

    HEEEEEERE YA GO! “Jason Chaffetz’s largest donor is an illegal pyramid scheme that does business in Russia”

    “Yet Chaffetz has shown no interest in investigating any of Donald Trump’s numerous scandals, including his illicit ties to Russia. That may be because Chaffetz’s single biggest donor – an illegal pyramid scheme to begin with – does business there.

    It’s long been documented that Nu Skin Enterprises has been funding the election and reelection campaigns of Jason Chaffetz so thoroughly and for so long that the company all but officially owns him (source: Open Secrets). On the surface it makes logical sense: Nu Skin is a Utah based company, and Chaffetz is a Utah based politician. But it turns out there’s much more to it. Although you may have heard of the Nu Skin brand, the company itself is little more than a pyramid scheme. In fact it’s been busted by the federal government for being a pyramid scheme, to the tune of tens of millions of dollars in penalties. But that’s just the beginning of the problem.”

  • Like any good congresscritter, there’s probably a seven-figure job awaiting him in the lobbying industry, the Wingnut Welfare circuit, Wall St. (or maybe even Trump Tower) for services rendered.

  • snigsy

    Hmmm . . . so he’s going to join the lucrative “private sector” of Repub lecture circuit, think tank, etc. Nice work, Jason.

  • stankbait
  • The Wanderer

    I don’t believe that it’s a sex scandal or anything like that. I think he noted the slippage in his numbers from the last two elections, and an internal poll (one we haven’t seen) has shown that his association with Trump and the ethics kerfuffle have driven his support lower. He’s getting out while he can to avoid the humiliation of losing to a Democrat.

    • chazmanr

      Lose to a Democrat in Utah? What are you smoking and why won’t you share?

      • The Wanderer

        Politics is the art of the possible. I have enough imagination to see Utah turning blue.

        • Bozilingus

          I am afraid that the only things turning blue in Utah are their balls.

          • Bmaccnm

            Nah. Utahn ladies have 1,286 babbies each. No chance for blue balls.

      • Cliff Hendroval

        Actually, his opponent, Kathryn Allen, has already raised something like 800K and is looking pretty strong.

      • Persistent Demme

        Hey, Ralph Becker libel!
        Former Democratic mayor of SLC, 2008-16.
        https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ralph_Becker_(mayor)

  • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

    He did his job. Now it’s time to buy him off before he decides to turn state’s evidence.

  • Anna Rompage

    OMFG, Jason Chaffedazz IS the Russian Pee Hooker!

    • CindyinEncinitas

      Good work, Anna!

  • Aileen

    I enjoy wilding speculating as much as the next person, so I’m just going to point out that generally, the more repressive the religion, the kinkier the fetish.

    • Anna Elizabeth

      *nods*

    • h4rr4r

      Or maybe he is secretly a polygamist. It would be irresponsible not to speculate.

    • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

      I would indulge in this further if the very thought of Jason Chaffetz having sex didn’t make me want to castrate myself with a hammer.

      • Aileen

        If it helps, there’s a solid possibility Jason isn’t into other people. His fetish could be printing out Hillary Clinton’s emails and rolling around in them.
        Naked.
        Sorry.

        • Parakeetist

          Aaaack no

      • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

        I know of a Senator who can help you with that.

    • CindyinEncinitas

      True story.

    • Anna Rompage

      Yep, the first girl to actually make moves on me, was a Mormon from a very strict family… And the was way back in the 7th grade…

    • Greyhame

      So many paid porn subscribers in Utah, because accessing someone else’s intellectual property without providing proper monetary compensation to the copyright holders would be a sin.

      • OddMan

        And they have to have a full years emergency supply stashed away for hard times.

        • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

          Hard times?

    • elviouslyqueer

      And also too, “Nu Skin,” which I’m thinking is some sort of Silence of the Lambs lotion fetish.

    • OddMan

      You got that right, and what the hell with all the Urolagnia ( I had to look that one up, it means what you think it does.)?
      Apparently it is the hip thing now and has been a upper class fetish for years.
      Who knew?
      https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/7d6a2b53985a7e82d553673835e265b45e116831edd35cca224e478088cb0847.png

      • Aileen

        I feel like there’s a good #humblebrag in here somewhere. Like, “my family is so upper class, our fetish of choice has been Urolagnia for generations.”

    • C4TWOMAN

      Makes sense. Nothing wrong with kinks, but people with little sexual repression growing up have lots of really enthusiastic vanila-ish sex–as in no “props”.

  • chazmanr

    “Oh fine, we will stop teasing the Mormons now.”

    Why? Works great for Parker and Stone.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Whatever the reason, I’ll take it…

    https://media.giphy.com/media/GRTLIhvNNQ11K/giphy.gif

    • elviouslyqueer

      LOL. Great minds.

  • susan_g

    He needs to get back to building dams. Beaver dams.

    • GlazedHaim

      I believe that’s what Mormons call birth control.

      • FlownΩver

        It’s why Trump is opposed.

  • Spurning Beer

    My sources tell me that he landed the lead in the Russian Broadway production of The Book Of Mormon.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Hasa diga Ebowai, motherfuckers!

      • eggsacklywright

        Asa nisi masa, Federico!

    • Villago Delenda Est

      I always suspected he was into musical theater…

  • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

    Maybe he fell into the wrong crowd in Washington and took up drinking Coca-Cola and coffee, and now he has to go back to Utah and repent so he isn’t banished from Mormon heaven.

    Or have to move to Nevada. Republicans have no qualms about electing “Jack Mormons” here.

  • elviouslyqueer
  • WotsAllThisThen

    I bet he has some emails we haven’t found. Inpeech!!!!11

  • FlownΩver

    Poodle’s nutsack says what?

  • JMP

    Chaffetz, O’Reilly, Milo Yiannopolous, all gone; now what the fuck does it take to get rid of the most evil of them all, the fascist-in-chief.

    • Anna Rompage

      Can we get a two-fer-one deal and sink all the mindless talking heads over at Faux Noose while were at it….

      • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

        With a real, not a faux noose (of votes!1!).

    • Villago Delenda Est

      They’re not really gone until they’re at room temperature. In Siberia.

    • JohnBull

      Well, he’s a 70 year old man who eats like a college sophomore, so diet and time should take care of it.

    • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

      Sadly, I don’t think Chaffetz will qualify as “gone,” just moving on up to that Fox Gnus job.

  • An Outhouse for the Resistance

    occam’s razor – three day work weeks are too taxing. Public servicing is hard work!

    • CripesAmighty

      Show up for a couple hours a week at Fox and Friends, cash 7 figure check. Even republicans can do that math.

      • SayItWithWookies

        He’d have to duel Steve Doocy for his spot on the Curvy Couch – now that would be a slapfight for the ages.

        • CripesAmighty

          “Rumble In The Green Room (with finger sandwiches)!”

  • Mpeg

    I wish it were something really waaaay out there, like saucy Dick Morris’s palate for piggies~https://img.wonkette.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/yum-toes.jpg

    • Mpeg

      piggies “S’gnawsages” — duh.

    • The Wanderer

      Oh, come on. Nothing wrong about a bit of foot fetishism.

      • Bmaccnm

        But little needly puppy teeth? Ow!!!

        • The Wanderer

          I recall seeing a clip of a German cable TV show (back in the early 80s). A woman was seated at desk to read the news with a straight face, while her feet were submerged in a tub of water that had two large carp in it. Her task was to keep her cool while the fish nibbled at her feet and toes.

    • Persistent Demme

      Trust me.
      When I think of Dick Morris, nothing as cute as that comes to mind.
      (But, OW!)

    • Parakeetist

      OMG squee

  • Wellstone En Resistencia, Coño

    By “private sector,” does he mean he’s moving to Russia?

  • Red Bird Ω

    Good. He probably got tired of being blackmailed by the GOP. Anyway, I hope he gets thrown under the bus for what he did.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      The magic underwear turns me off. That and the sanctimony and prosperity gospel-ness of it…a complete reversal of the original communal living meme.

  • MeerkatsRMammals

    I could never be Mormon. Coca-Cola & Coffee make up 75% of my bloodstream…

    • Crystalclear12

      Is the other 25% whiskey or rum?

      • MeerkatsRMammals

        Surprisingly, no.

        • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

          Well, then, not doing it right.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    When in doubt, pick the Ruskies.

  • Oblios_Cap

    I have no ulterior motives. I am healthy. I am confident I would continue to be re-elected by large margins. I have the full support of Speaker Ryan

    Wow. Four lies in one sentence. This guy’s good.

    • Gayer Than Thou

      Translation:
      I want to make money as a lobbyist.
      It turns out there is no safe amount of polonium.
      That Democrat lady raised a boatload of money already.
      Ryan does not return my phone calls.

  • Chadwells

    All the “Bye Felicia” gifs that ever existed.

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    Just for funzies, can we start a few vicious rumors circulating about Poodle-butt head? Like, Jason ChaffedShitz revealed as secretly the father of Malia Obama! (not that that’s vicious to anyone with a brain, but I’m going for mass-head-explosion quality for his voters.)

    • Wellstone En Resistencia, Coño

      I’ll go first: Jason Chaffetz is Bristol Palin’s second baby daddy.

      • O4FSake

        Shhhhh. Do not wake her! The low profile is refreshing.

    • Crystalclear12

      He is we secretly moderate and thinks Trump should go to jail.

  • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

    I don’t trust him. Maybe he’s just trying to get people to stop calling him to tell him how they are not going to vote for him?

  • Michael R
    • MizzMazz

      That is fucked up. Looks like something my grandma would have had in the kitchen. She thought some terrifying things were cute.

      • Gayer Than Thou

        Sorry to break it to you: she didn’t think they were cute. She didn’t want you in her kitchen.

        • MizzMazz

          Bwahahaha, you’re probably right! Probably didn’t want me in the bathroom either, because she had these crochet lambs with plastic baby doll faces in there.

        • Nockular cavity

          Those were her original grandkids.

          • willi0000000

            not even the faces survived from the other two.

  • Nick Scroggs

    Coffee just tastes bitter or something to me, never really liked it. And I’ve thought for a while that terrorists could just destroy the US by cutting off the coffee supply lines that most America relies on. And Coca-Cola, it’s like the Lewis Black thing on NyQuil, it tastes exactly like brown.

    • Anna Elizabeth

      I adore coffee, but I can why you don’t like it.

      I’ve given it up for my diet, I was drinking it triple-sweet. Green Tea with a bit of Honey and just a pinch of Sugar and 2% percent milk now. I haven’t had coffee since February.

      • Persistent Demme

        MONSTER!!!11!!

        • Anna Elizabeth

          XD It’s been good for my waistline, but *not* for my disposition.

    • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

      I dunno. In the words of Naval Historian Samuel Eliot Morison, “The Navy could probably win a war without coffee but it wouldn’t like to try.”

  • Anna Elizabeth

    RE: the photo here, have to evers seen a face that looked more like a pee-hole with eyes than Chaffetz?

    • The Wanderer

      The pubes on his head are rather off-putting.

  • TundraGrifter

    Maybe he’s been watching “Designated Survivor” and thinks he should be Vice President.

  • Nightcrawler
  • Crystalclear12

    He did use a lot of scandal code words:
    Full support
    personal decision

    Hmmm. . .

    • TundraGrifter

      Only thing missing was his boss being “100% behind him” right before he swung the ax.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        ‘So sorry, Mrs. Chaftetz, but your husband died of 30 self-inflicted bullet holes to the back’

    • Anna Rompage

      He didn’t mention family, so my guess is it’s some legal trouble, and not an affair…

      • Crystalclear12

        Depends on where his wife was standing when he made the announcement. I haven’t seen the picture. Behind and to the right is sex scandal.

        • LesBontemps

          His right, or our right?

          • Crystalclear12

            Alt-rigbt.

    • Spurning Beer

      I say he has an STD in his private sector.

    • Little Doll–MOAMF

      He starting practice in avoidance phrasing for when he has to repeat ad nauseum, “I do not recall.”

  • The Librarian

    Hmmmm, with those numbers, I’m very suspicious of his real intentions. However, as long as I don’t have to see his mug anytime soon, I’ll have to be satisfied with the pee hooker theory.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    He killed JonBenét Ramsey and the police are closing in.

    • O4FSake

      It’s a crime that Patsy Ramsey didn’t serve time for tarting up that little girl.

  • Relativicus

    Now he can join Rubio in retirement.

    • Mr. Blobfish

      They’re both gonna run for president?

  • IOnlyLikeCats

    Maybe he’s being confused with Devin Nunes and he doesn’t think that will bode well if this goes to trial.

  • William
  • Mavenmaven

    Jheri Curl spokesperson?

    • Antonin Dvorak

      I’m not just the president of the Jheri Curl Club for Men, I’m also a client.

  • Mpeg

    This is such bad news for the ongoing investigation of those rascally emails.

  • JD Mulvey

    “If so, that young lady or gentleman has BAD TASTE.”

    You forget that this is the city where even Newt Gingrich could get all the trim. DC is a funny place.

  • Spurning Beer

    Didn’t he convert from being a Jewish Democrat to a Mormon Republican? He must have converted again. Maybe he’s Rosicrucian. In Utah, being a Rosicrucian is death to a politician’s career.

  • sadboy

    I think we’ve just found out who’s taking over for Bill O’Reilly at Fox News. “O’Reilly Factor” to be renamed “That Really Chaffetz!”

    • Anna Elizabeth

      *golf clap*

  • Nasty Candy Apple

    As a person who lives in Utah, thank fuck. But I have no faith in other Utahns to vote for anyone other than another jerk-like successor; for proof, see 85,000 years of Orrin Hatch elections.

    Also, rumor has it Chaffetz wants to seek the governorship in 2020. :(

    • Villago Delenda Est

      But…but he said he has no plans to run for office again!

      Oh, wait…Rethuglican…lies like a mangy old hound dog…yeah. Okay. Whatever.

      • Roni Raven, Just Microwavin’

        In 2018. He said he wasn’t running in 2018. 2020 isn’t 2018.

    • Clyde Barrow

      Let’s face it, it’s hard to expect Utah to vote smartly when half the population actually believes that the Garden of Eden was in Missouri.

      • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

        LOL!!!

  • Oblios_Cap
    • jesterpunk

      Chaffetz and republicans would miss the ground then blame Obama for it.

  • SayItWithWookies

    After getting to know Assmouth, Chaffetz has decided that even a completely unhinged moron can get rich in the private sector. So – Jason Chaffetz will be completely broke by this time next year.

  • Gayer Than Thou

    Pee hookers are the reason I’m not running in 2018, so I know it can happen.

  • Okay, totally OT, but I support my musician habit by being a liberrian, and this is really cool:

    http://www.openculture.com/2017/02/free-coloring-books-from-world-class-libraries-museums.html

  • Wild Cat

    He’s a total shit, which means he’ll be the next GOP governor of a major state in 2020 after ‘earning’ a shitload of money from some friendly policy institute.

  • JD Mulvey

    If there was kompromat on Chaffetz, wouldn’t he want to stay on?

  • OrdinaryJoe

    [Waiting for other shoe to drop.]

  • Spurning Beer

    Can Mormons drink iced coffee?

    • Wild Cat

      No. They can’t even eat hot tuna.

      • WotsAllThisThen

        Those poor Mormon women.

        • Wild Cat

          Looking at most Mormon men, I think they’re relieved.

  • MynameisBlarney
    • WotsAllThisThen

      Good thing sick burns are covered by Obamacare.

      • MynameisBlarney

        Well…
        They were.

    • Pisto75666

      Whoa……

      Nothing quite like the Emperor telling Darth Vader to quit while he’s ahead, is there?

    • Anna Elizabeth

      Ya’ Burnt, Scrotum-Head!

    • calliecallie

      I dislike clicking on the link, because then I lose my place in the thread of non-existent comments, so here’s this for the rest of you:
      Richard Painter, President George W. Bush’s former ethics attorney, celebrated the announcement that Rep. Jason Chaffetz (R-UT) would not be seeking reelection in 2018.

      “Good decision Rep. Chaffetz. If you can’t do a job right, quit and do something else,” Painter said on Twitter Wednesday.

      Then he took it a bit further to criticize president Donald Trump along with Chaffetz: “And you, Mr. President?”
      There’s more. Click the link if you want.

      • Cliff Hendroval

        George W. Bush had an ethics attorney?

      • Persistent Demme

        Thanks.
        (I can’t always click, and when I do, I find losing my place tiresome.)

  • Wild Cat

    He’s going to invent a drinkable alcohol-free wine to please Moroni called ManoManoChaffetz.

  • Roni Raven, Just Microwavin’

    Just want to point out that Louise Mensch broke the FISA warrant story back in November and was dismissed as a conspiracy theorist loon. But she was right.

    • PubOption

      So she is a mensch.

  • William
  • MynameisBlarney

    Just when you thought congress couldn’t be bigger douchecannons…

    http://www.militarytimes.com/articles/gi-bill-benefits-new-fees-future-enlistees-house-lawmakers

    What’s next, they gonna start acting like vidja game companies and drown us in micro-transactions?

    • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

      Supporters of the plan say having service members “buy in” to the benefit would strengthen it against periodic attempts by budget planners to trim veterans education benefits.

      Or the budget planners could try something less evil? Just a thought.

    • HazooToo

      They already do that. I wonder how many programs could be saved if Congress were simply paid the same salary as the President. I bet it’s all of them!

    • jesterpunk

      Support the troops. Unless they cost money or you can make money off of them then they are fair game. Also if they are injured or captured they are losers.

      Republican party motto.

    • Skeptical_thinker

      “It’s infinitely more difficult to get rid of or cut the GI Bill if
      troops have paid into that benefit,” said Will Hubbard, vice president
      of government affairs for Student Veterans of America. “This is about
      how we can make the GI Bill protected and buffered against budget fights
      for years to come.”

      That logic doesn’t seem to impress Republicans when it comes to Social Security and Medicare. I know, “logic” is not done by Republicans.

    • JustDon’tSayFlatEarth

      It’s as if they don’t want any volunteers in the military anymore.

  • rosenbomb

    Lots of Mormons I know in Idaho are fine drinking Rockstar energy drinks, however.

  • Phil Wentworth

    Another moron bites the dust!

    • The Wanderer

      There’s a lot more to go.

      • Phil Wentworth

        That’s the truth!

  • Clyde Barrow

    Good riddance. I hope he breaks his leg when he hangs his Christmas lights.

  • Michael R
  • Martini Ambassador 🍸

    There’s probably a sex thing called a “dirty Chaffetz” on the Internet, although I’m not going to search for it. But it would be irresponsible not to speculate why that dirty, dirty act is so-named in light of this announcement.

    • The Wanderer

      The Urban Dictionary doesn’t have a “Dirty Chaffetz,” but they do have a “Dirty Chavez,” where you wipe away your ball sweat and wipe it on another person’s face.

      • Martini Ambassador 🍸

        Haha, people are into some strange shit out there.

        • UncleTravelingMatt

          I guess I number among the oldz, but I just assume all the sex-related entries on UD are posted by thirteen year-olds with no working knowledge of sexual intercourse or basic anatomy.

          • The Wanderer

            I agree. Most of them seem to stretch the bounds of credulity.

        • Oblios_Cap

          Better than a Dirty Sanchez.

    • MynameisBlarney

      Posting the description would likely lead to a severe banhammering.

      But it likely involves teabagging.

    • sadboy

      Right about then, Dirty Chaffetz took a drive in his old Cleveland Steamer to return a Rusty Trombone to Hot Karl…

  • WotsAllThisThen

    I think this is a good time to tell everyone that there are emails on Anthony Weiner’s computer that may or may not belong to Jason Chaffetz. I just wanted to point that out, out of an abundance of caution.

  • JD Mulvey

    Call me cynical, but I have to imagine there’s a complete psychopath nutjob waiting to take over Chaffetz’ chairmanship.

    • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

      Yep. His name is Jim Jordan, Congressman from Ohio. You might remember him from such moments as badgering the head of Planned Parenthood over the fake videos, or from blasting the AHCA as “Obamacare Lite”.

      • JD Mulvey

        The House Republican Caucus: the gift that just keeps on giving.

  • SnarkON

    Fun as it would be to discover a pee video or something, it’s got to be that he just landed a job that pays a ton more money.

  • Crystalclear12
    • UncleTravelingMatt

      Weird that the LIBERAL MEDIA doesn’t have his face plastered all over the teevee. Seems like every Democrat who is even mildly critical of fellow Democrats gets celebrity treatment on all the bloviator shows.

    • Claire

      Damn, that was pretty savage.

  • ~ ☆ míkhαílα ☆ ~ 【忠実反抗】
  • Lefty Frizzell

    Live boy

  • DerrickWildcat

    He doesn’t look Utahan.

    • Reddishrabbit

      California boy who made good as kicker for BYU.
      So, California wins again.

  • Carole

    For Chaffetz, “private sector” = multilevel marketing schemes.

    “After college, Chaffetz worked for about a decade in public relations for a multi-level marketing company, Nu Skin International. . . In 2003, Chaffetz applied to be an agent in the United State Secret Service but was not accepted because ‘better qualified applicants existed.’ In 2004, Chaffetz was the campaign manager for Utah gubernatorial candidate Jon Huntsman won the race, and when he took office in January 2005, Chaffetz became Huntsman’s chief of staff. In 2005, Chaffetz started Maxtera Utah Inc., a corporate communications and marketing company.”

    • JD Mulvey

      Nu Skin… yet he was unable to get a nu face.

      • Anna Rompage

        I don’t know, maybe it was caused by using the products…

      • Carole

        Or maybe he did, and it was Nu Skin for the Old Ceremony.

    • Anna Rompage

      If the look of his lizardy skin was caused by Nu Skin products, they should be sued for malpractice!

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      MLMs are catnip in Mormon country.

  • Ricky Gay

    Tore off one of those “Do not remove under penalty of law” thingies while fucking his pillow. Sad.

  • canes_pugnaces

    One word: Mormon.

    • jesterpunk

      We already know he is a Moron.

      • canes_pugnaces

        That’s two. Both work.

    • Ms.MLG on Maui

      Keep your filthy paws off my Mormon drawers!

      • snark-lurker

        i washed my hands!

  • Pierre_de_Fermat

    One suggestion is he wants to run for guv’nuh.

    • Carpe Vagenda

      I’m thinking it has to be wingnut welfare. He can’t be too popular with his coreligionists right now. Having a prominent mormon in the middle of this bullshit surely isn’t helping them compete with the evangelicals for souls in latin america. Or, really, anywhere.

      • Pierre_de_Fermat

        I agree, he’s been a weasel and may not be so popular with LDS right now. Still, may think he has a way back into politics. More horribly, if he were to run and win a governorship, he might start thinking he should be in the WH.

  • Jennifer R

    Lock Him Up.

    • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

      No, sentence him to 20 years house arrest in St. George.

  • TJ Barke

    Hypocritical little shit stain needs to take a flying leap at a rolling doughnut. Whatever that means.

    • Anna Elizabeth

      You kidding, right? He could never satisfy that Hole.

      • Anna Rompage

        I don;t know, if he manged to dislodge his head from his ass long enough to stuffed it into another hole, it just might…

    • Shanzgood

      It’s “flying fuck” if that makes it make more sense.

  • Anna Elizabeth

    OT – Time to get Back On that Horse. I don’t want to get gun-shy about public stuffs.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/903a0e45642371c744e49aa8857aac780cfb5f81ccc08039230af985c088fb14.jpg

    I’ve been using music to motivate all morning, so:

    Arm Yourself because no-one Else here will Save you

    C’ya Laters, Wonkegators. :)

    • snark-lurker

      ROC ON, BABY!

  • azeyote

    at least if it’s the pee hookers it would be a step up from reading e-mails all day every day –

  • mailman27

    Beginning to despair of ever seeing the pee hookers.

    • ~ ☆ míkhαílα ☆ ~ 【忠実反抗】

      Person’lly, I’m kinda hoping that the pee hookers tape doesn’t actually exist, mostly because it’s gross and there’s MUCH bigger things to fry in the whole TrumpRussia thing.

      • MynameisBlarney

        Agreed.
        But it is quite fun to say.

        • ~ ☆ míkhαílα ☆ ~ 【忠実反抗】

          Not denying that at all.

    • Duke

      I don’t want to see the pee hookers tape. I want to read Evan’s review!

      • JustDon’tSayFlatEarth

        No need to wait for actual release to put out a review. Evan, your move!

  • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

    OT: Welp, so much for running away from His Fraudulency…another GOP kiss-ass, lined up and puckered up.
    https://twitter.com/CNN/status/854752460350607370

    • Little Doll–MOAMF

      First advice he’ll give is that she should lose a few pounds.

      • JustDon’tSayFlatEarth

        Ha!
        “Definitely not a 10. Believe me, folks, I won’t be grabbing – listen, I’m a kind person, okay? But I think she should maybe lose – you know I’m not saying it, the media are very nasty and just mean. But a few pounds, maybe one of those diets with the shakes,…”

        • Shanzgood

          Perfect voice!

    • JustDon’tSayFlatEarth

      Kinda looks like she got Barbara Bush’s wardrobe help already.

    • laughingnome

      Good news for Ossoff!

    • MynameisBlarney

      And of course, by “needs turmp’s help” she really means “needs that ol’ rooshan hacking magic”.

    • Portia McGonagal

      Good! After the orange menace helped, Osoff’s numbers went up. Help away!

    • artem1s

      good, make her own the ACHA and her part in denying poor women access to early screenings.

    • PubOption

      Handel could be a problem for Donnie, he thinks that he’s the Messiah.

      • JustDon’tSayFlatEarth

        “Alla you voted for me!”

      • Querolous

        Hallelujah!

    • Shoto

      Good luck with that, Ms. Stupid.

    • Résistance Land Shark Ω

      I’d ask for Ivanka’s hairdresser!

    • mardam422

      Trump: Of course I’ll help. Why wouldn’t I get involved with bigly electing the genius who wrote that Messiah thing? Wonderful! Ivanka used to love that song. Well, before she turned Jew, anyway.

    • puredog

      You’re gonna be so tired of winning, I predict.

    • Persistent Demme

      Good.
      I hope that by the GA election, Trump-stink will be even worse.

  • Jo Mathie

    ” I am healthy.” ” I have made a personal decision to return to the private sector.” Isn’t this the political version of every music/film star saying that they are taking time off for “exhaustion”. Yeah, not fooling anyone.

  • keenanjay

    Former congresswoman Wilson from NM in hearings for Sec’y of the USAF. Not sure of her entire history but the scam she pulled as a consultant to Sandia Labs, etc. without actually consulting/working just goes to show that these fuckers have a system of staying in the dough.

  • artem1s

    if he is so assured of winning again, why not go thru with the election and then let someone take over if he feels the need to quit. Obviously he doesn’t want to campaign again. Did he displease Heir PeePee? PresidentBannon? and now is going to be primaried from the loonier right? or is he just getting his affairs in order so he has plenty of time to spill his guts to the EFF BEE EYE?

    Oh, Jason, you can not run, but you cannot hide!

  • Portia McGonagal

    Yep I know we’re supposed to take Mensch with a grain of salt the size of Trump’s ego but ….

    Somebody’s got something on Ja-son
    Somebody’s got something I knooooow
    Somebody’s got something on Ja-son
    Question is when’s it gonna blow.

  • goonemeritus

    I look forward with great anticipation and much excitement to missing him.

  • calliecallie

    Maybe he’s planning to leave the country and move someplace where there’s no extradition treaty. Just a thought.

    • PubOption

      All he needs to do is to take a bike with him, and say he’s a missionary.

  • Mpeg

    I’ve got it. Chaffetz was found to be Chicken Lady. Engaging in illicit telecommunicative transactions~
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tlg-sVjJxW8

    • Lance Thrustwell

      I love the chicken lady sketches. They’re my {convulses} favorite!

  • Reddishrabbit
  • Shoto

    “the molten smegma sculpture that is Jason Chaffetz’s face”

    Ewwww. But reporting The Journalamism is important and not pretty.

    Also, too, Mr. Greasy Sociopath Chaffetz would like to please make Moar Monies, and please not have his candy-ass kicked by A Girl in November, 2018.

  • Major_Major_Major

    No dead girls, so it must be a live boy. Or farm animals…

  • BigBoppa ~ Résistent
    • Lance Thrustwell

      beaver libel

  • Little Doll–MOAMF

    OT: Well, this is interesting…

    http://www.alternet.org/world/trumps-missile-attack-syria-justified-fabricated-intelligence

    “But the White House’s subsequent intelligence report offering its
    proof of Syria’s role was “false” and “fraudulent,” suggesting a
    “coverup” by a president acting without any intelligence and
    intentionally lying to the public.

    These are the characterizations
    of two longtime experts in war studies and missile systems, which—along
    with coordinated comments by Vice President Mike Pence in South Korea and Secretary of State Rex Tillerson in
    Russia that America’s “strategic patience” is ending—suggest Trump may
    be seeking a war of choice, even if it involves fabricated intelligence.”

    • Shibusa

      I read about the MIT guy a couple of days ago. It amazes me that Trump says, “The Syrian government did this!” and the US media echoes it, and then the party faithful say it, and nobody wonders how the US government came up with its conclusive “evidence” so fast–of an incident that happened half a world away.

      • WotsAllThisThen

        Should be pretty obvious if sarin gas bombs are dropped on a city, don’t you think? That sort of thing would be hard to fake, and hard to cover up, despite Syria and Russia’s best efforts to claim otherwise.

        This isn’t Iraq’s mystery trucks. There’s actual dead people involved.

        • Little Doll–MOAMF

          That’s not the argument. What’s being said is that the White House’s report of what happened does not seem to be matching up with what the evidence of the attack shows–including that it may not even have been an air attack, as claimed.

          “But these assertions are not clear, consistent or convincing, said
          Theodore Postol, a professor of Science, Technology, and International
          Security at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. Postol, who has
          received numerous awards for his work on missile systems and has worked
          for the Office of the Chief of Naval Operations, looked at the same
          information sources cited by the White House and concluded in a 14-page analysis that, first of all, whatever happened in Khan Shaykhun was not the result of an air attack.

          “It’s
          important to be clear about what I’m saying,” he told AlterNet. “I’m
          saying that a so-called White House intelligence report issued on April
          11 is totally inconsistent with the claims it’s making. I’m not so much
          saying that I know what happened, because actually I don’t. What I do
          know is that this report was, to be blunt, fabricated without the
          intelligence methodologies that it claims to have used. Because I have
          data that I have been poring over… for example, there’s video data of
          this crater that they allege was the source of an air attack, an air
          munitions. It was not an air munition. You could see that very easily.” “

          • VirginiaLady

            Honest question: How else would you deliver it to so many people over a large non enclosed area like that? Rocket launcher or something similar?

          • Little Doll–MOAMF

            I don’t know the answer to that, sorry. And it sounded like the experts weren’t going to say what’s what without more time to study the event.

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          I think it’s pretty irrefutable that sarin was used. What’s in dispute is whether it was delivered via an aerial bomb, and just who was behind it it. I hate to go down the conspiracy rabbit hole, but people like Lawrence Wilkerson and Scott Ritter have questioned the accepted scenario. The fact that it worked out so conveniently for Trump in any number of ways has got to raise some questions.

        • Shibusa

          MIT’s Postol pointed to the photographic “evidence” of the supposed aerial attack. The pic shows a shell that delivered the sarin gas, which showed signs of having explosives set on top of it before being detonated on the ground. He didn’t deny a chemical attack. He just said that Assad’s military jets didn’t drop sarin gas-bombs. Back in 2013, he also said that the Obama Team’s Report [re Ghouta sarin attack in 2013] so it’s not like he’s just going after Trump for partisan reasons.

          • VirginiaLady

            Oh. Answered my question. That’s fuked up.

    • jowgajen

      It would be helpful if we didn’t have a national history of fabricating intelligence. Or a President and administration with a short but spectacular history of bald-faced lying.

  • Reximus
    • Little Doll–MOAMF

      I don’t think he ever realized how totally embarrassing it must be to be him.

    • Shoto

      One of the few times when I’d actually enjoy watching court proceedings on the electro-picture box.

    • boyblue122

      Has he testified yet at his own trial

    • Internet Hitler

      BREAKING

      wind

    • Major_Major_Major

      Can you imagine how shithouse rat insane his ex-wife would have to be for that demented turdwhistle to get custody?

      • Little Doll–MOAMF

        That’s the only thing that worries me. She knew he was like this when she married him.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        It’s disturbing that he was able to breed successfully with a human.

      • JustDon’tSayFlatEarth

        Maybe it was just adultery? Like she decided to get her jollies with a dude who was not fat, not overdosing trucker speed, and not spouting racist bullshit like a Nazi with Tourrette’s? And lost custody cuz of that?
        I want to believe.

    • Wild Cat

      He wants custardy? You mean the Reptile Jews from Bilderberg have turned his kids into custard????

      • WotsAllThisThen

        Not only might he lose custardy, the government wants to garnish his celery.

    • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

      Wait, that was “hardly the most outlandish moment”? Did he moon the judge or something?

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    This is someone who used to be both a Jew and a Democrat. To say he has no moral core is an understatement.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      I wish he was still a Jewmocrat, like us. Also wish he wasn’t him.

      • puredog

        I just wish he wasn’t.
        More efficient, that.

  • Pilotshark

    what a nice soap opera we have going, As the GOP Squirms!

  • Reximus
    • Oblios_Cap

      Well, there’s no way there is a quid pro quo involved in that decision, no sir!

      • UncleTravelingMatt

        Look, I’m pretty sure that if there were some kind of shady doings a-transpiring in a foreign country, ExxonMobil would avoid any wrongdoing like it was the Nigerian Economic and Financial Crimes Commission.

    • Bill D. Burger

      IOKWYAR

      • Roni Raven, Just Microwavin’

        It’s okay if you’re a Russian?

    • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

      Ah, yes. And I’m sure the Treasury Department will look at this objectively and totally not receive pressure from State to make it happen…

  • Bill D. Burger

    Be great if they found Chaffetz was corresponding with rentboys via emails on his iPhone.

  • Chadwells

    OT: HAHA…who fucking cares, idiots!!!

    “Russia launches investigation into US media: report”

    http://thehill.com/homenews/news/329515-russia-launches-investigation-into-us-media-report

  • Chadwells

    OT: yeah, you can…and you did, you little sawed off fucker.

    “Sessions: ‘We can’t promise’ DREAMers won’t be deported”

    http://www.politico.com/story/2017/04/jeff-sessions-dreams-deported-237369

  • Bill D. Burger

    Wheeew! ___ At least Sid the Science Kid gets to breathe a sigh of relief….for the moment.

    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/C443za4UYAEkIlb.jpg

    • Wild Cat

      Don’t let him get within 30 feet of the Science Kid or call the Vice Squad el pronto!

  • Shibusa

    O/T evidence is mounting that Trump has dementia. I mean, he can’t remember Paul Freaking Ryan’s name when reading off a teleprompter for a group in Ryan’s hometown?
    https://youtu.be/u1Ws5Eatae0

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      Nah. He just doesn’t care enough to remember Ryan’s name…

    • Wild Cat

      Who the fuck would care what that Ayn Rand–rimmer’s name is? His job is just to get It tax cuts.

    • jesterpunk

      Paul Ryan will change his name though so Trump will be right.

    • Roni Raven, Just Microwavin’

      At least he didn’t call him RuPaul. [I stole that].

    • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

      First person singular is the only thing Trump is capable of remembering.

    • Notreelyhelping

      Just read some doctors (or alleged doctors) knocking that around on Twitter. Pretty fascinating…in an ass-puckering way.

  • Bill D. Burger
    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      It’s Putin, Putin, Putin (fuck you donald trump)!…

  • Sister the Resister

    I’m guessing private sector monies and/or lobbying is the actual answer. Boring, but the most likely.

  • MynameisBlarney
  • Nounverb911

    OT
    Tom Brady couldn’t be there due to ball deflation.
    https://twitter.com/WestWingReport/status/854761143973314564

    • Internet Hitler

      Good cheatin’, guys! Hey, who wants to be an ambassador?

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      The election is over. Why won’t liberals move on?

    • jesterpunk

      ‘If there’s anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught and shot now.’

    • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

      It was the largest comeback in the Super Bowl, yes. But it was hardly “the greatest comeback of all time”. I can think of at least three games (including one where the trailing team was behind by 25 points in the fourth quarter of the game) that were greater.
      https://twitter.com/CNN/status/854760393893224448

      • efoveks

        Yams don’t know sports ball too good.

        • miss_grundy

          He doesn’t know anything that is worthwhile. He only knows how to scam money from rubes.

    • miss_grundy

      Because every ceremony has to be about him. Jeez, I am so tired of this shit stain.

  • Internet Hitler
  • Rep. Chapstick has wet, sticky eyesockets, holy underwear and a overworked mouth – he’s just like a starving circus bear on its last legs.

  • Nounverb911
    • h4rr4r

      With that level of projection the audience usually has a chance to buy popcorn.

  • cats530

    Me thinks smega face is embroiled in some kind of sexual scandal. Hope the sordid details will be quite delicious.

    • cmd resistor

      I’ll take a Russian sexual scandal. Add coffee.

  • Me not sure

    This just in : Jason Chaffetz declares that he never wanted to be in Congress. He always wanted to be a lumberjack.

    • Nounverb911

      Is that what they call male prostitutes in Utah?

      • Msgr_MΩment

        Leaping from tree to tree…

        • Rags

          In suspenders and a bra

      • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

        Only if they can sport wood.

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      And that’s OK.

      • Toomush_Inferesistance

        We don’t care…

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN
      • Me not sure

        Well played. Thanks.

  • DerrickWildcat

    Rolled a bum.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    This picture really pisses me off.
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/401d7fa7a5c4e73f2ecad5c20c5f28c6d26e574fa0cbdf580023c06a9aceccba.jpg
    Don’t do it, girl. He’s anti-abortion!

    • Nounverb911

      Well, also dead….

    • Carole

      Not to mention a God damned dirty hairless ape.

      • Reximus

        and they took out his brain!!!!

    • Panika MCD

      she can just 2nd Amendment defend herself from the fetus!

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      That’s just…

      …wrong?

      Okay, I’m a species bigot. I admit it.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        Admit it. She could do a lot better.

  • rocktonsam

    probably wants to spend moar time with the money he’ll make on wall st.

  • Jerry Noneofyourbizz
    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      That makes my face hurt. It reminds me of the day during my yoot when I got beat up and had two black eyes. Arrrgh! Flashback!!!1

  • MynameisBlarney
    • Carole

      Snap! But he really needs to change the name of the firm. Or at least change the spelling to Whigdoer LLP.

    • Jo Mathie

      Bill O’Reilly, Chaffetz, Kellyanne Conway… Is there going to to be anyone left when Trump is impeached to attempt to defend him? (assuming we won’t be in the middle of WW3)?

      • miss_grundy

        No, but the investigating committee will be calling a whole bunch of people who will accuse the Mangolini of everything they did and will say that it was under direct orders from him. By the time the investigation is over, treason will be nothing compared to all of the other charges.

  • Reximus
  • Hairstrike Alpha

    Bill O’ gone!?! NOOOOOOOOOOLOL!

  • Panika MCD

    it has been my experience that the more outlandish a GOP conspiracy, the more likely it is that some GOPer has been doing that thing. so it’s probably because he’s been running a kiddie sex ring out of the basement of Compact Yin Yang Burgers and Fries in DC.

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      Has anyone checked the basement?…

    • C4TWOMAN

      This is a regular theme with alt right scammers and trolls. They feel threatened and almost immediately accuse you of doing what they’re doing.
      It’s a misguided rubber/glue attempt to get ahead of the story. But if there’s no sign they would have been exposed, all it does is make one wonder about this suspiciously specific projection.

      • Panika MCD

        like Voter ID?

        • C4TWOMAN

          Pretty much all the alt-rt voter manipulation propaganda points seem to fit this pattern with what we’re learned about the Russians…

          • Panika MCD

            so like the thing where they said people were taking people’s VBMs out of their mailboxes to fuck old people out of having their assisted facility staff from taking their SEALED ballots to the mail box?

  • Reximus

    The Tucker Factor is gonna make for some fun tongue-twisting

    • Bemused Australian

      Tucker’s been been spearheading the anti-immigrant-my-eyebrows-are-furrowed-in-faux-consternation push. I once heard O’Reilly say that things were better in the US before the civil rights movement, back when Americans were united. Targeting immigrants seems more the zeitgeist now.

  • Hairstrike Alpha

    Chaffetz really took Hillary losing badly….cant feed that addiction anymore. Monster sad.

  • Shanzgood

    OT: More tales of petty stupidity. Baconz can only talk to me for 20 minutes at a time now. Some jackass was on one of the phones for 4-5 hours yesterday so instead of taking THAT guy’s privileges away, EVERYONE got punished. As if they all needed another reason to hate the dude even more.

    In saner news, he goes back to court on Tuesday, officially the 90 day mark. Maybe his attorney will finally earn his keep and convince the judge to let him go HOME. And then I can rebook my plane ticket!

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/acbba3dbf8f193e9411f8f49673a7458c3a9c54463b8e08d3193cd3dd252bd4a.png

    • Anna Elizabeth

      I’ll be keeping my fingers crossed, Shan. :)

      Baconz is really stuck with some winners there. Shit.

      • Shanzgood

        Like the CO who was sexually abusing inmates. He got a plea deal. No jail time at all, just 18mo in the halfway house. And baconz has been there for 3 months for missing an appointment.

        • Anna Elizabeth

          I know Hun, it’s ridiculous and unconscionable.

        • BrianW

          Shan,
          When I worked in a jail we called probation/parole “prison on the installment plan” for that very reason.

          We had a woman brought in one morning who was violated because the bus coming from the prison was late, which made her late for her very first appointment. So, the PO violated here right then and there. The officer dispatched to the arrest tried to talk the PO (also a female, I think) out of it, but no dice. The arresting officer was apologetic to the prisoner and us, but had no discretion in the matter once the PO said “No excuses. Violate her.”

          Even in a system rife with injustices, the general consensus among the jailers was that the PO was a really special kind of asshole.
          (As an aside, not until I wrote this down did I realize how appropriate the term “violate her” is in this regard.)

          • Shanzgood

            It seems everyone involved with this fiasco has been a special kind of asshole, starting with his XW’s attorney and the judge who had him arrested right there in court for missing an appointment two months earlier. The arresting officer said as she cuffed him “Don’t worry, you’ll be out in a few hours.”

            That was nearly 3 months ago. He spent the first three nights in a holding pen with bleeding gang bangers and crap-stained homeless guys. After finally getting to actual jail, it was over a week before they got his medications to him. Going to the halfway house seemed like cake after that. They’re supposed to be “helping” him get a new job but when he got an offer last week, he was told he couldn’t take it because it was commissioned based.

            Sorry for ranting, but this is just the tip of the iceberg of crazy stuff that all seems designed to keep him from complying with the court’s order in the first place. I’m sure I don’t need to tell YOU that once you’re “in the system” it’s incredibly difficult to get out and STAY out.

          • BrianW

            Three days in a holding cell? Where the hell is he?! That sounds like some of the worst Harris County TX can offer. I didn’t work there, but in a smaller county. None of our people spent that long in a holding cell, but it’s possible in Harris.

            And yes, once you’re in the system, getting out is damn near impossible. We used to have a rotating coterie of regulars, but most of them had mental issues. Don’t know the deal with baconz, and it’s honestly none of my business. I do hope he gets shy of all these troubles soon though.

            EDIT: TBH, I was probably an asshole myself more than a few times. There is something about the system that drives you that way if you are not VERY careful.

          • Shanzgood

            Allegheny County, (Pittsburgh)PA. Baconz missed an appointment set by the Family Court back in November. When he showed up for a regularly scheduled appointment in January, he found out that a bench warrant had been issued for his arrest. Then began the adventure.

            The Wonker community has been really wonderful, sending him postcards and letters and magazines and books. And letting me vent at length about the Bizarro World stuff going on.

            BTW, never donate anything to Goodwill Industries. It’s a huge racket, from the thrift store franchises where the owners earn hundreds of thousands of dollars a year while paying disabled employee significantly less than minimum wage, to the halfway house baconz is in that takes 20% of of the residents paychecks.

          • BrianW

            My wife feels the same way about Goodwill, and for the same reasons. And DON’T get her started on United Way.

            Bizarro World is a good description of the whole experience. It’s nothing like the crap they show on TV shows.

    • Shibusa
    • Panika MCD

      we all send our thoughts and breakfast tacos to Baconz in his time of need.

      • Shanzgood

        Thank you! He has promised to make me a local delicacy involving fried “chipped ham” and an egg. I forget what it’s called but he says I’m allowed to put steak sauce on it if I want.

  • Anna Elizabeth

    OT- and home, no issues. :) Windy as the very Devil, though. My hair is a mess. I got some Cottage Cheese, and on my walk back I passed a really attractive Redhead in a stripey tank top and shorts, walking her dog. Gaydar says she’s likley Straight, but I gave her a big smile and got one in return. :)

    • Shanzgood

      When girls flirt with me or give me compliments, I get all stammery and red-faced. When guys do it, I get annoyed or scared.

      • Anna Elizabeth

        *nods* I don’t mind real compliments from guys, like when an elderly man told me I look pretty, or even a guy yelling “you are so cute” from a car was OK. The catcalls and crap range from annoying to frightening.

        This woman was really good-looking, but I’d have let her make the first opening beyond a smile. :) She probably just wants to get the dog walked before lunch hour is over.

        I hope she thought I was cute too. :)

  • boyblue122

    OT – Bill O Reilly out the door according to Fox

    • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

      He’s out according to EVERYBODY! Hi ho, hi ho, Bill-o had to go!

  • AJ Milne

    Orly’s gone.

    (ETA: I feel a bit like I did when Dubya left office… Good for the world, but now all those poor talk show writers are gonna have to start grandfathering their Billo material… Won’t someone please think of the writers?)

    • Anna Rompage

      Dilldo Rilley now on the Blaze in 5… 4… 3… 2… 1…

      • Reximus

        or Russia Today with Boris Epshteyn

    • Bemused Australian

      When you typed ‘Orly’, I thought of Orly Taitz, notable dentist, lawyer, and birther. Maybe my brain is broken.

  • Swampgas_Man

    Is it possible, I mean JUST BARELY ON THE EDGE OF COMPREHENSION, that Trump is SOOOOO dirty dirty dirty that even Chaffetz can’t stomach defending him anymore? HAHAHAHAHA, of course not. Not the Dirty Trump part, but the Chaffetz conscience part.

  • Raan

    You’ll make some new disaster
    That’s what I’m counting on
    I’ll let you get right to it
    Now I only want you gone

  • Monty Market

    Chafe-itch is in a position to know about the indictments soon to unfold re russiagate. Maybe just a matter of the rats deserting the ship.

  • Reximus
    • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

      He out because almost all the advertisers fled (NYT has a nice graphic on the subject). Fox has no fucking conscience. It’s all about the money.

  • Bemused Australian

    O’Reilly’s gone. I’d like to feel schadenfreude, but it’s hard not to conclude that the sleazy misogynist hatemonger got off lightly.

    https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/bill-oreilly-is-officially-out-at-fox-news/2017/04/19/74ebdc94-2476-11e7-a1b3-faff0034e2de_story.html?utm_term=.add8e34b5ce8#comments

    • miss_grundy

      Yes, he did get off easy. Even if he doesn’t get another TV gig, he will probably continue to write those stupid books of his. And he will also play the victim card to the hilt. I only hope that when he does, even more women come out in the open to talk about the sexual harassment they faced while working at FNC. And having the Tangerine Toddler is not a good reference–since he’s a sexual pervert and harasser himself.

      • Bemused Australian

        O’Reilly probably doesn’t think he did anything wrong, and probably never will. There might be a public mea-culpa, but it’ll be for the sake of book sales, not a genuine apology.

    • BrendaKay

      Wow – and since he just signed a new contract, it must have worked to pull advertising and keep suing him… who should the advertisers target next?

  • Reximus

    i’m really going to enjoy “Killing Bill O’Reilly”

    • Bemused Australian

      Apparently the ‘far left’ were responsible. That or the Murdochs.

      • Dave Wayne

        Billdo was EXPENSIVE. Ratings are great but the Murdochs could care less the minute the show started losing money.

  • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

    Speaking of sleazy politicians. This one is a Dem, so sad, but I hope they burn Cuomo’s nads for being bought and paid for by Rupert fucking Murdoch.

    http://www.rawstory.com/2017/04/how-did-gov-cuomo-make-783000-in-royalties-from-a-book-that-sold-only-3200-copies/

  • Bemused Australian

    In The Unresolved Problems Section tonight, who will fill Bill’s time slot? I’m plumping for Corey Lewandowski!

    • BrianW

      Doesn’t he still have a contract slinging shit over at CNN?

      • Bemused Australian

        Sure, but imagine if he could have his own hour! Well, 20ish minutes after commercials.

    • Dave Wayne

      Rumour says Tucker Carlson-please let it be so. We want to see the rating drop like a meteor.

  • whitroth

    Nahhh, he had the hots for Hillary’s aide.

    More likely… he sees the light at the end of the tunnel for Trump… and *knows* it’s the train that’s going to take down Trumpolini, his whole administration, and a fair number of Reptilians, and figures he’ll sit it out, then, when the smoke clears, he’ll run again to Restore Republican Honor!

    • miss_grundy

      Or he will try to hide as a lobbyist.

  • miss_grundy

    If not female pee hookers, perhaps male pee hookers? I think Hillz should start reading his emails and writing guest commentaries about them in the New York Times.

  • clairence

    “I am healthy” offered up spontaneously without prodding suggests to me that he may not be. Because I can speculate.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      And clearly false from a mental health perspective, in his case.

    • chicken thief

      You’re right, clairence. If he can deny climate change because he is not a climate scientist how can he possibly pronounce himself healthy since he isn’t a doctor?

  • Brendan_M

    Just wanted to make sure everyone knows that Louise Mensch is the lady Piers Morgan and should always be ignored. She’s sleazy, crazy, and stupid, and was a Murdoch stooge, so also a professional liar.

    If you don’t me, listen to Ben Schwartz:
    http://akns-images.eonline.com/eol_images/Entire_Site/201408/rs_245x130-140108144808-tumblr_mw9awmzIVP1so11geo6_250.gif

  • Damian L

    Where exactly is his District? Wanna make sure I NEVER go there.Around 75% of the people there are obvious assholes.

  • Blackest Noobs

    hilarious.
    Chaffetz gives up the ghost because of “personal reasons.”
    translation: after getting his ass handed to him in those town hall meetings, he realized his goose is cooked, man, it soooooo cooked it’s over-cooked.

    O’Reilly gets fired from Fox….FOX FIRED HIM….Donald Trump’s best buddy and pal and they fired that guy!!!!!

    it’s looks like the Trump “movement” is losing steam. we always knew he was a one-trick-pony but who fucking knew there would be collateral damage.

    And Ossoff came within 1.9% of winning it in Georgia; i take back what I said previous, Jon is in it to win it, and his closest competition was like over 20 points from Jonny Boy…attaboy Ossoff. And Trump keep proving he is bad at math, said it was BIG WIN for Republicans…uh hardly dickweed.

  • Saxo the Grammarian

    Regardless of the outcome of the 2018 election, this is good news. Because there can’t possibly be a bigger asshole in Utah to replace him.

    • Upright Ape

      You’ve never been to Utah, my friend.

      • ltmcdies

        isn’t Mittens mulling a return to politics….and that McMullin guy….

  • Blackest Noobs

    Where do dreams go to die?

    apparently for Republicans it’s wherever Trump is, Utah, and Georgia.
    that list will soon to expand.

  • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

    Chaffetz is a rodent. I don’t see him leaving for any reason other than self preservation. I can’t believe that he’s worried about losing his seat. It must have to do with the reasons that any other rodent would leave a sinking ship.

    • proudgrampa

      Good Riddance, Rodent!

      He’s from the state in which I currently reside. He is a fuckweasel (is that a rodent?).

      • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

        Honorary. Strictly speaking a weasel is not a rodent, but a fuckweasal could be.

    • I immediately thought that when i heard this report.

  • proudgrampa

    Good Riddance.

  • ltmcdies

    when they heavy hitters in a party start wanting to “spend time with the family”….something is up….

    sod off Jason….don’t let the door hit yah where the good lord split yah…

  • Jeff Mc Donald

    The least likely is a sex scandal…I mean…come on!

  • Stulexington

    If we’re widely speculating maybe he noticed his right elbow in the latest secret spy tapes of The Honest Don and is getting out before anyone else notices and threatens to send him to lowly peasant jail.

  • Scooby

    The problem here is that whomever follows him is likely to be worse.

  • Sid Pevear
  • thixotropic jerk

    One more grundle-faced liar down, umpteen more ta go!!!!

  • Sid Pevear
  • OppressedMass

    This guy is so uniquely repellent, I can’t imagine how he got elected.
    But imagining he’s under threat of blackmail, that’s easy.

    • Lotus954

      He got elected because he is a Republican. Only Republicans get elected in Utah. It’s a one party state.

  • RealUTim

    Jason wants to be Utah Guv and will run in 2020. Gov Gary Herbert is termed out. He’ll probably lobby for multi level marketers until then. Jason really, really, really wanted to be a senator, but the corpse of Orrin Hatch announced he’s running for another term last week, and this isn’t the first time Brother Orrin has threatened poor Jason not to try to take his rightful coffin. Saints (even the latter day ones) preserve us in Utah come 2020. The phoniest member of Congress will soon be the phoniest governor in the nation!

    • mightysprout

      What’s wrong with Utah that you would elect a guy like that? (But California has Devin Nunes as our personal shame, so I guess we all whiff it from time to time).

      • Lotus954

        What’s wrong with Utah is that it’s a theocracy…a one party state run by a religion….and that religion says that you can’t be a good Mormon and a Democrat. Publicly, they deny it, but if you’re Mormon, don’t let them catch you voting anything but Republican. This is something I’ve never understood since the church talks a good game about caring for the poor, the elderly, the infirm, veterans, etc., so the Democratic Party would seem to be a match made in heaven…but it isn’t. All I know is that I’ve busted out my best bottle of wine (don’t tell my neighbors) and am celebrating that I don’t have to see rat face again…and I can’t wait to see what whoever it is has on him. His announcement has put a smile on my face all day.

  • Seriously, the hell is wrong with this Republicans face?

    I bet he is wearing a mask, and he is really a she. Wonder if Trumpkins is under there?

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/ad08ac38d93b1943ee2c66755b737ecaddcbac192ff61eea35dda226ac1193f1.jpg

  • phoenix00

    I’m sure it’s:
    – wants to Benghazi e-mail servers
    – wants to server e-mail Benghazis
    – wants to e-mail Benghazi’s server

    Or some permutation of the above, but that’s pure speculation on my part. Maybe we should investigate.

  • SeeTrain65

    Two possible reasons:

    1. Senate run
    2. Already up for prime lobbying position

    • Mark Breitinger

      Preznit?

      • SeeTrain65

        Let him try. I could use a good laugh.

  • From Russia with Love

    AMF!

  • Rickyphoo

    The first thing that comes to mind when I see Chaffetz’s face… well, actually the second, the first being disgust, but the second thing is for some reason, Chuck E. Cheese. I can not explain this. I know C.E.C. is a mouse, (or a rat, not sure which) and not a weasel, but still there it is.

    Be that as it may, I don’t care why he is leaving as long as I never have to see or hear about him again.

    • cats530

      It’s his teeth and eyes. The teeth are remarkably rodent-like and the eyes are shifty, beady and set close together.

      • Mark Breitinger

        He is a Ratty McRatface fer sure

  • Laresistance

    First thing I thought of when I heard was, “Gotta be pee pee videos”. You just don’t give up and walk away from Congress, esp. a powerful position, to “be with family”. He smells (and looks) rotten and we’ll see his name when Putin finally decides to show us the many pee pee tapes he has on these wankers.

    • cats530

      Yep, the phrase, “Wanting to spend more time with my family” is GOP code for a sex scandal of some sort. How interesting that participating in ‘non-family values sex’ gives you a hankering for wanting to spend more time with your family.

  • chicken thief

    Did anyone already guess that the first browser history Max Temkin bought was dear Mr Chappedass’s?

    If not, what do I win because surely that is it!

  • 451 Byrnes

    Congress these days…Either Urine or Ur out…

    • Mark Breitinger

      I pee what you did there

  • bardgal

    My guess is Russian money laundering and some 2016 hack collusion. (Remember he was all, “Russia is nothing; no investigation needed.”) Which is why Twitter thinks he’ll leave office before the end of the month.

  • Melinda Piette

    Hahaha!!! Caught him on (I wasn’t REALLY watching, S2G) TMZ yesterday
    as whined and whined and WHINED about having to sleep in his office,
    cause none of the congress critters were rich, blah, blah,
    blah…..Washington DC is $$$, blah, blah, blah…..no “housing
    allowance” blah, blah, blah…..on the road all the time, blah, blah,
    blah…..
    Uh, yeah dude, all of which you CHOSE when you ran and
    ran again. And again. Plus, seriously, none of you morons have figured
    out the concept of “rent an apartment together”???? Or live in an
    extended stay (e.g. Residence Inn by Marriott) hotel and negotiate a
    good rate for yourselves? How are all of you this fucking stupid? How
    are you here to make decisions when you can’t figure out how to resolve issues that many pilots and COLLEGE STUDENTS have long managed to address?

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