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leave quickly and never come back

Oh good heavens, here is some news! Rep. Jason Chaffetz (R-UT), chair of the House Oversight Committee and FIENDISH ADDICT of investigating Hillary Clinton, has announced he won’t be seeking re-election in 2018! BYE FELICIA DON’T LET THE DOOR HIT YOU FELICIA!

Chaffetz made an announcement on his Facebook page, where he insisted he’s leaving for only the best reasons, because his misses his family and wants to be in the “private sector”:

For those that would speculate otherwise, let me be clear that I have no ulterior motives. I am healthy. I am confident I would continue to be re-elected by large margins. I have the full support of Speaker Ryan to continue as Chairman of the Oversight and Government Reform Committee. That said, I have made a personal decision to return to the private sector.

Yeah, that is fishy as fuck. Let’s wildly speculate about what the REAL reason might be, since Chaffetz just told us not to.

  • Maybe those town hall meetings with constituents — the ones he thought were paid to be there — really did hurted his feelings! He said people just came to “bully and intimidate him.” Did tears fall into his magic Mormon underpanties?
  • Maybe he fell into the wrong crowd in Washington and took up drinking Coca-Cola and coffee, and now he has to go back to Utah and repent so he isn’t banished from Mormon heaven. Oh fine, we will stop teasing the Mormons now.
  • Maybe there is a SEXXX SCANDAL! Is there a young lady or gentleman in Washington who fell victim to the seductive “come hither” glances that radiate from the molten smegma sculpture that is Jason Chaffetz’s face? If so, that young lady or gentleman has BAD TASTE.
  • Maybe he’s lost all the will to live, now that he doesn’t have Hillary Clinton to investigate. Maybe he’s in love with her. Maybe he shook her hand at the inauguration and InstaFaced about how his Hillary investigation would continue, because he couldn’t bear the thought of living in a world where he doesn’t get to read Hillary’s emails. :(
  • Maybe he just wants to be a lobbyist, because that is where the real bucks are.
  • Maybe he thinks that he might lose re-election, since everybody hates him and all the mean people are yelling at him and there’s this really cool Democratic doctor lady in Utah who’s raising eleventy billion ameros to run against him. But if that’s it, we should look at some stats:Thems is some numbers! If there was a remote possibility he might actually lose his seat, it makes us think there might be another shoe about to drop, something that would put him in real electoral danger. But what??????
  • Ohhhhhhhh, is it possible that Chaffetz is somehow dirty dirty dirty, and maybe caught up in the Trump Russia scandal? We should emphasize that this is still RUMORS, but that one British lady Louise Mensch (the one we take with a YOOGE grain of salt) has wildly speculated that Russia has kompromat on Chaffetz. WHOA IF TRUE! We don’t know if it is true, but …CAN’T. UNSEE. THAT. MENTAL. IMAGE. IN. OUR. BRAIN. But yeah, for real, is it possible Putin’s got him by the wee wee? Is he maybe going to GO TO JAIL, and that’s why he’s doing the right thing (for the GOP) by making this announcement now?

Oh well, we can’t figure it out for sure, so we’ll leave you to make up your own reasons in the comments, which are not allowed. It’s probably the pee hookers thing, though.

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[Buzzfeed / Jason Chaffetz on the Facebook]

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