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Just a couple of guys who get along great and even sometimes snuggle during naptime.

President Steve Bannon has been having a hard time holding on to his title of “White House President Of America” ever since he started doing passive-aggressive slap-fights with Jared Kushner, the beloved son-in-law of President-In-Name-Only Donald Trump. Reportedly, Bannon grunts his way around the West Wing in a gin-soaked daze, making gargoyle demon sounds about how Jared is a “cuck” and a “globalist.” (You see, “cuck” means dude who likes to watch his wife — Trump’s daughter, in this case — get banged by black guys, and “globalist” means “Jew.”) This has created many tensions with Trump! First of all, Trump doesn’t like how everybody is always like “President Bannon, can you sign my white nationalist panties, since you are the president and all?” This undermines Trump, the one who actually got “elected.” Also, you do not call Jared a “cuck.” You just don’t. We’ve said it before, and we’ll say it again, but literally the first and last rule of all American jobs is that you refrain from calling Jared a “cuck.”

BUT HEY WAIT A MINUTE. What if we have gotten this all wrong? Maybe Bannon didn’t call Jared a “cuck” at all, and that is just the globalist cuck media trying to drive a wedge between the two men, who actually REALLY love each other! Is it possible Bannon ‘n’ Jared have been very nicely playing on the floor together this whole time, and Bannon is even sharing his Transformers action figure dolls with Jared, because of how they are besties? What if Bannon never called Jared a cuck and a Jew at all, but was instead talking about someone else?

A pair of stories in the media, quoting “sources close to Bannon,” seem to suggest he wasn’t talking about Jared at all, but rather about that cuck GARY. Gary Cohn, that is, the former Goldman Sachs COO who serves as an economic adviser in the White House. Let’s start with New York Magazine:

White House sources tell me the ideological split with Kushner is real but not quite the point — Bannon’s primary “gunfight” is with economic adviser Gary Cohn, a longtime Democrat whose influence has ballooned as Bannon has fallen out of favor with the president. The Goldman Sachs alums — Bannon was an investment banker there in the ’80s, Cohn was the COO until earlier this year — can comfortably “shoot the shit,” but mutual suspicion looms beneath the superficial friendliness. “Look, in all honesty? Steve has said things to me about Gary,” a source close to Bannon told me. “He’s never said one thing to me derogatory about Jared.”

GARY is the one who likes to watch his wife make sexuals with black guys and who’s really into “globalism,” if you know what we mean, and we think you do. GARY is gross. One time Steve walked in on GARY in the locker room and GARY tried to act like he wasn’t masturbating but everybody knows he was totally masturbating, like OMG GARY, you are the worst. Also, Kellyanne told Hope that Stephen said GARY farts on his hand and smells it. Who invited GARY to this party?

On top of that, GARY is hopelessly naive:

“The president has started his love affair with Gary,” another source said, “Gary’s not aware of this: That love affair will end abruptly. Gary Cohn will step on a landmine.”

Yeah, GARY. Look, everybody in the White House knows Trump is a slut, and you don’t get to have love affairs with him forever. Eventually, some younger, cuter thing will come along, and where will GARY be then? All by himself crying, that’s where. Stupid GARY.

Let’s hop over to Vanity Fair, where people “close to Bannon” say Bannon is the best, and so loyal to the president, but that he is very “misunderstood.” He sure hopes Donald Trump reads these quotes about him in Vanity Fair, about what a loyal yet misunderstood boy he really is:

A person familiar with Bannon’s thinking told me that he remains profoundly misunderstood. He isn’t so much an ideologue, this person said, as a deal-maker; like his famous boss, he is willing to compromise. “People try and put him in a box to say he’s a political consultant when he really is a media executive,” this person said.

He’s just like Donald Trump! He wants to make the best deals! Of course people “close to Bannon” couldn’t resist calling Jared and Ivanka dumb rich babies who want to wear tiaras and ride in golden carriages and eat truffles off granite countertops like common Marie Antoinettes, unlike Steve Bannon, who is THE HARDEST WORKER AND MOST LOYAL TO TRUMP. Of course, Bannon would never say such nice things about himself, because he’s just too god-dang shy:

“Jared and Ivanka, do they want to be responsible for the day-to-day management of the federal government? No. They want to be prince and princess. That’s great! They’d be good at that.”

ME-OW!

“They want to be in the photo ops and they don’t want to be there doing crisis management. And that’s the point.” This person continued: “Leave the governance to Bannon and get Bannon a competent partner. By the way, he will never ask for that. He’s just too loyal a soldier.”

How old are these fucking people? For real, is this junior high?

Anyway, the point is still that President Bannon shouldn’t have called Jared a “cuck,” and now he’s trying to smooth it over all nice-like, but at the end of the day, he called Jared a “cuck.”

You do not call Jared a “cuck.”

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[New York Magazine / Vanity Fair]

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