Hey, you ungrateful American shits, did you spend White House Easter Egg Roll Day with the proper reverence in your heart for our lord and savior Donald “Pussgrab” Trump and his loving wife Melania? Kellyanne Conway is concerned you did not. She explained this to Ainsley Earhardt, one of the “Fox & Friends” idiots, in an interview conducted Monday morning. Turns out we are supposed to be VERY GRATEFUL that Donald and Melon got their shit together at the last minute, and found it in their yooooooge, loving hearts to throw the same event presidents and first ladies have been throwing every year for the last 139 years.
PRAISE TRUMP FROM WHOM ALL BLESSINGS FLOW. PRAISE HIM, ALL CREATURES HERE BELOW. PRAISE HIM ABOVE, YE HEAVENLY HOST. AND GOD BLESS IVANKA AND JARED TOO EVEN THOUGH THEY ARE JEWISH SO MUCH.
Why aren’t you fucking heathens singing along?
CONWAY: I think First Lady Miche— …
Language, Kellyanne, language! Try again:
… Melania Trump and her staff did an amazing job, her team did an amazing job here this year. Following the tradition of other first ladies, she picked four pastel colors and a golden egg. They worked really hard to make this happen today, Ainsley.
FOUR FUCKING COLORS. This happened in order to fulfill the prophecy written in the book of Daniel, what says, “And in those days the queen called Melon will prove her worthiness to stand by the messiah’s side, by successfully choosing four colors that will be good for Easter eggs. It’ll be a real goddamn Sword in the Stone moment, honestly.” (That’s the King James translation, in case you are wondering.)
EARHARDT: It’s absolutely spectacular.
When you’ve taken the “Fox & Friends” lady’s breath away …
CONWAY: And I’m told this is the 139th anniversary of the Egg Roll, sort of the longest continuous tradition at the White House, and it’s a day where we don’t think of politics. We think of the children who are involved. We think of the veterans and military families who are being honored here as being invitees. And obviously our amazing First Lady Melania Trump and President Trump will be participating today, and we should thank them. America should thank them for putting on such a beautiful event.
She’s right, y’all. In fact, we probably need a new creed, so that we may have the proper liturgy to worship the Trumps and their miraculous Easter Egg Actions. Let’s make one up:
I believe in President Bannon, the Father Almighty,
maker of “alt-right” and Breitbart;
And in Pussgrab McLittlepaws, his only Son, our Lord;
who was conceived in a really hot way;
born of the Virgin Mary. Mary Trump, specifically;
suffered under Crooked Hillary Clinton, fake news about quote unquote collusion with Russia, and fear of stairs;
was crucified, dead, and buried by the failing New York Times and Alec Baldwin;
the third day he rose again, by making bombs go boom in Syria and Afghanistan, and then he did an Easter Egg Roll thingie on the fourth day, which was yooge;
he ascended into the White House residence, where Kellyanne had already turned on “Hannity” for him and laid out his bathrobe and a bucket of Funyuns;
and sitteth at the right hand of President Bannon;
from thence he shall come to judge the WEAK and the LOSER.
I believe in Ivanka,
the holy little sexxxy pants known as Jared,
the communion of all the best people, he only picks the best people,
the forgiveness of whatever Sean Spicer says that day about the Holocaust,
the resurrection of the utter failure of the first 100 days of his presidency;
and all the pussy one man can grab.
There you go. Now click your heels three times, accept Donald Trump into your hearts, and you will be saved, tremendously.
Oh, also this is your open thread, so write some more prayers to Trump in the comments, what are not allowed.
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