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Donald Trump Jr., whose sexual prowess is only matched reversed by the way he uses roasted wombat cum for hair gel (ALLEGEDLY), has acquired a new t-shirt, and it is his favorite. It is the fanciest t-shirt. He would like you all to have the t-shirt, but in order for him to have the money to buy the t-shirt for you all, he’d have to sell a few things to a couple mobsters here, launder some money through Cyprus or the Caymans there … look, all your t-shirts are on back order, OK? Maybe if he ends up in jail for playing some role in the Trump Russia scandal, they might give him a job processing all the t-shirt orders for everyone, because it will be a great service to America for you to look as delicious as this:

Oh goodness. On a scale of one to OMG, how many times did you jizz at that picture? Is it the part about how he’s literally advertising HIS OWN BODY as “very fake news”? Is it the way he has a dadbod, but still has vaguely more definition in his arms than the rest of the family does, probably because he viciously murders exotic animals and has to pick up their carcasses occasionally, before he gnaws on them with his Trump-ian vagina mouth? Is it the part about how he’s just casually standing outside Mar-a-Lago or wherever, but his “perfect” hair is all gussied up fancy, the way he likes it? Did you only jizz because at least it’s not Eric Trump, because sweet lord baby jesus in heaven, what is wrong with that boy?

Mmmmmm. Why won’t THAT dude model summer’s latest fashions for us? Because he’s rude, that is why.

Anyway, the answer to all of these questions is that you jizzed four times, and it was for reasons you do not understand. You will be calling your therapist about that very soon.

Poor, poor Junior!

He’s dumber than a brick of molten horseshit, and he’s just never going to be the prettiest Trump. He will always be living in the shadow of Ivanka — the one Daddy thinks is super hot — and Jared — that skinny in-law twat Daddy seems to have the nastiest crush on — and meanwhile little Junior is like “Oh I guess I am just putting wombat spooges in my hair for nothing, will Daddy EVER think I am the prettiest?”

No, he will not.

(And no, Junior, you are not prettier than Eric either. You both look like butt herpes pulled a Mt. Vesuvius on your whole face.)

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  • Nounverb911
    • dslindc

      LOCK HIM UP!!! LOCK HIM UP!!!

  • Anna Elizabeth

    But seriously Evan, tell us how you really feel about Jr. XD

  • Nounverb911
  • NastyBossetti

    Why doesn’t he seem to know how to make the normal human gesture “thumbs up?”

  • Treg Brown

    I see you inherited your father's boobs #Nitwit https://t.co/Y0DEUACNFM— Keith Olbermann (@KeithOlbermann) April 15, 2017

  • Vincent Ricola

    Who has 2 thumbs and spends all his time spewing bullshit while trying to blame it on the media?

    That guy.

  • Oblios_Cap

    I wouldn’t be caught dead wearing a shirt that uses such a garish font. I’m kinda surprised that he didn’t go with Comic Sans.

    • Vincent Ricola

      It looks like one of those homemade numbers with the iron on letters. Cheap cheap cheap. I’ll bet it makes him itch.

    • Meccalopolis

      Frankly says resign

  • Alan

    Tell us what you really think Evan.

  • freakishlypersistent

    American Psycho

    • Mpeg

      Actually, Jared exudes a rather Christian Bale-quality or photos of him do anyway~

  • memzilla Ω
  • Indivisible Snark Tank

    I did not jizz four times. I did not jizz even once. And after looking at that, I may never jizz again. Thanks, EvanObama!

    • Bobathonic

      Needs moar jizzpuppies.

  • freakishlypersistent

    And what does that even fucking mean? God, fuck these gaslighting assholes.

  • ariel_gee_398

    He looks like the character named Finzo from an unauthorized Mexican version of Happy Days.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    The Gene Pool called and said they’re sorry they forgot to give you a chin. We understand you are very angry about that.

    • ariel_gee_398

      They also expressed some surprise that you hadn’t noticed what else they forgot to give you…

      • Shanzgood

        A soul?

  • Major_Major_Major

    Jersey shore hybridized with attention whore==Junior. Seriously, he just needs a track suit and he will have gone full-goombah

    • Toledo Window Box

      They’re like a mob family.

      • Bud

        They ARE a mob family. I’d read shit about Trump to that end since the mid 90’s. Wondered constantly through the campaign why that never came up.

  • LarryHoudini

    I guess now we know which son Donald called a “retard.”

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      AOT, K.

    • Oblios_Cap

      AOT;K

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        Blast you!

        • Oblios_Cap

          Sincerest apologies. Great minds, and all that.

    • Major_Major_Major

      The jury is still out on that one.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Is this one Usay or Qusay? I can never keep those assholes straight.

    • Nounverb911

      Yes, both of them.

  • Shibusa
    • alwayspunkindrublic

      He seems to have a gift for making himself the butt of internet jokes.

      • Nounverb911

        It runs in the family

      • Vincent Ricola

        I’m guessing that gift keeps giving in real life situations as well.

  • Chadwells

    In moments like this…I can only think about Jr. getting his teeth kicked in at comedy club in NYC for running his stupid fucking mouth. Happened in the early 2000’s and it was glorious. Coincidentally…of course he sued…because he’s a gutless, spineless fuck who couldn’t take his licks like a fucking man.

  • MynameisBlarney
    • Oblios_Cap

      Because not listening to cops is a capital offense.

      • Résistance Land Shark Ω

        with instant adjudication.

  • Oblios_Cap

    I need to but some stock in whatever company makes that axle greased those boys use on their heads. They must have 55 gallon drums of it in their bathrooms.

  • Nounverb911

    OT
    Donnie Sr is starting to schvitz (sweat) about tomorrow’s election:
    https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/853964023846588420

    • ariel_gee_398

      Looking at his Twitter pic, do you think Trump would like it if we started calling him Squints McDoublechin?

      • Major_Major_Major

        Squinty O’Shartpants?

      • Angry Hour

        Double chin? Half a chin is generous.

      • Bud

        Keep your insults down to shorter words, Trump doesn’t like them twenty dollar terms.

    • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot
    • Chadwells

      And the illiterate fuck still can’t spell. What a maroon.

    • Shibusa

      “Congressioal”?

  • Major_Major_Major

    Apparently all the Trumpsters are genetically predisposed to look like they just sharted.

    • Nounverb911
      • Major_Major_Major

        That is onte of the most skillful, and disgusting, ‘shops ever,

        • therblig

          you mean because the real shit comes out of his mouth?

    • freakishlypersistent

      “Sharted” is underused. We need to change that.

      • Major_Major_Major

        Indeed. When I was a kid, we referred to them as G&L farts because you gambled and lost, but shart is so much more succinct.

        • MizzMazz

          Shart is more accurate, but I like G&L. Gonna start using that…not like that happens to me, or anything. :(

  • IdRatherBeDancing

    Hey c’mon. He’s a classy guy. Classy in the way that butt jazz is.

    • Résistance Land Shark Ω

      Do I need to know what “butt jazz” is?

      • Grumpy Twat

        Some things are best left ungoogled.

  • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

    Cafepress has much to answer for…

  • Anna Elizabeth

    Can Somepony meme Jr so his shirt says “Bannon is my Real Daddy”?

  • TJ Barke

    Say, you know who else was constantly accusing the media of lying?

    • Shibusa

      Every bobblehead on Fox “News”?

    • IdRatherBeDancing

      Dick M. Nixon?

    • Glenn Greenwald?

    • freakishlypersistent

      Hitler?

      • TJ Barke

        Ding ding ding!

    • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

      Every conspiracy theorist ever?

    • Mpeg

      Frauleiyin’ Maria?

    • WotsAllThisThen

      Colonel Kurtz’ personal photojournalist?

    • Bud

      Ooh ooh, that Oklahoma State football coach, “I’m a man I’m forty!”.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    These two nasty little shits remind of the children of the people who owned and ran the mine when I was a kid in the town I grew up in…entitled little white fucks who would never survive in the wild on their own.

    • Bud

      Caviar moisturizer. No more billionaires.

  • IdRatherBeDancing

    How does a generally chinless twat actually get a double chin. Look closely (well don’t …but…)

  • Toledo Window Box

    Don Jr. looks like the kind of guy that’s said “I could buy and sell you ten times over” to just about every person he’s ever encountered in his entire life.

    • Oblios_Cap

      “Don’t you know who I am?”

      • Yes. That’s why i ignored you for 20 minutes and when you wouldn’t shut the fuck up, i kicked you in the general area where your nutsack should be

    • TJ Barke

      And he deserved every single beating he received thereafter.

      • Toledo Window Box

        Ivana: “Donald, Junior got beat up at school again today.”

        Donald: “Which one is he again?”

  • FlownΩver

    Makes for easy greenscreening. Wonkers, do your thing!

  • Shibusa
  • Chadwells

    My shit turds are funnier and contribute more to society than this jerkoff.

    Sorry….I’m a bit hostile this morning. Trying to turn it around but this asshole’s stupid face isn’t helping.

  • Mavenmaven

    Two Fredos who wish they were Michaels.

    • lroom

      It’s Fredos all the way down.

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    You know they are all just waiting for Daddy to die and trying to stay on his good side. I wonder which of them will visit him in prison? My money’s on the forgotten one, what’s her name, out in California maybe?

    • Bud

      Man there’s gonna be a Trump family wing of a federal prison. They’re all going to die in prison.

      • Contemplative Ron

        Sooner rather than later, if there’s any justice.

      • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

        (fingers crossed)

  • Ωbjectifier

    Frankie Say Relax

  • Mavenmaven

    He would have been better wearing that slogan on his underpants.

  • Nockular cavity

    The laughing crying emoji has become the go-to emoji for assholes, hasn’t it? The Flat-Earthers use it all the time, to mock your “seasons” and “time zones” and whatnot.

  • baconzgood

    Hey chick in the blue batheing suit….Get some junk in that trunk. You’re ass has the shape of a sheet of dry wall

    • Shanzgood

      She just needs someone to help her work it into shape.

      • baconzgood

        She needs to do some squat thrusts and eat a can of crisco

      • baconzgood

        I got a new favorite picture today.

    • therblig

      could be a not fully inflated real doll

  • rick

    Donald Trump Jr would have to wear an athletic cup underneath his swimwear to show he’s not a real-life Ken® doll.

  • Carpe Vagenda
    • Antonin Dvorak

      OFFS.

    • HazooToo

      Is she wearing several garlands of flowers? Did they give her those at the town hall, or did she just decide to wear them to it?

      • Carpe Vagenda

        I assume they’re leis? Her family are carpetbaggers, as I understand it, so she has to be Very Hawaiian. Jonny would know more.

      • Antonin Dvorak

        She almost always wears a lei of some sort. Seems to be a bit overboard here though.

  • Lizzietish81
    • Paulinerwilliams

      Managing director of Google!, is explaining to users to start off “Work at home” method, that People have been doing for about one year now. These days alone, I generated close to $36,000 until now with no more than my home computer as well as some spare time, despite that i have a fulltime 9 to 5 job. Even everyone not used to this, can make $89/per h easily and the earnings can go even higher over time… This is how i started
      !st372c:
      ➽➽
      ➽➽;➽➽ http://GoogleFinancialCashJobs662ShopServiceGetPaid$97/Hour ★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫::::::!st372c:….,…..

  • An Outhouse for the Resistance

    Evan is a little cranky the day after Easter. Too much chocolate yesterday?

  • elviouslyqueer

    Nope, it is still too early for this foolishness. Sit the entire fuck down and shut the entire fuck up, Jersey Hair Spice.

  • Blender_415

    Today is as good as any to start a cleanse, now that my appetite is completely gone. Thanks, Evan.

  • JohnBull

    Just calling him a “Twilight” extra is more than enough abuse. God what a movie. Mannequin was a better love story.

    • HazooToo

      ‘Saw’ was a better love story.

      • JohnBull

        Someone should combine the two.

    • Bud

      Mannequin 2: On The Move was better than all the Twilight movies. (I saw a kid buy it in a video store 20 years ago and felt so bad for him)

    • Zyxomma

      No. Who cares how bad the movie was? Robert Pattinson is really beautiful in an interesting-and-strange way, and now David Cronenberg has a huge crush on him, also, too.

  • Natalie Frenshen

    Diaper Donny!
    Google it. At college he would drink alcohol until he passed out and would pee in his pants.

    • The Wanderer

      Pee seems to be common thing with the Trump menfolk, then.

    • Carpe Vagenda

      Awesome. And now he’s white-knuckle and playing with white supremacists.

  • Contemplative Ron

    Isn’t it sad when people who are dumber than dirt think they’re being clever?

  • eyelashviper

    I don’t think I have EVER used the word “cuck” before, but somehow it seems appropriate to tag that photo of the tRump spawn.

  • baconzgood

    This dude has a punchable face right? or is it just Baconz?

    • Undocumented Skwerl!

      Yep. Very punchable.

      • baconzgood

        By the way. Thanks for the books. I read the everest one and for whom the bell tolls. After my faulkner and Chekov books I’m going to read another. BACONZHAPPY.

        • JustDon’tSayFlatEarth

          Good to see on the Wonkettes again, baconz!

          • Yr. Gma

            Hurrah!

  • Bud

    I bet Eric was the first one to kill a hooker to impress their daddy.

    • doggiedaddy

      “Butt, butt daddy, she’s my wife!!”

      “Kill da bisch you losar. Do it or youz never gonna fly on daddy plane again.”

  • Slithytoves

    Just saw on the Twitter a picture of the Idiot with his wife and his son Barron at the egg roll thing. That kid looks like he will not make it out of puberty. He literally looks like he gets beaten every day. I said literally so you would know I’m serious.
    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/C9nxHStXcAAKQKZ.jpg

    • elviouslyqueer

      Jeez. They look like they’re at a fucking funeral.

      • Jo Mathie

        Even the supposedly happy bunny looks like it’s about to throw itself over the railing.

        • Slithytoves

          It’s the look of surprised disbelief that gets me.

      • Brendan_M

        Maybe they are. Maybe they are.

    • doggiedaddy

      Which loser in the family wears glasses?
      And since when did the EB wear glasses?!
      Everything this family touches turns to fuck.

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      They all look miserable. There’s not a single photograph of that kid smiling.

    • therblig

      you can hardly see the sniper in the tulips keeping the masses at bay.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      What’s with the bunny’s glasses? I thought carrot were good for your eyes.

      • I think it is a chineese rabbit.
        No, really. I would not put it past these schmucks

    • why is dude leaning away from his wife and youngest?

  • medcannabis1

    Anything ” tRUMP” is going to be under a RICO investigation along with those

    pesky Russian issues that are not going away.
    Thank you to the IC community for exposing the many many connections to Trump and the FSB Oligarchy.
    Treason is Trumps brand!

  • Me not sure

    If he keeps on wearing t-shirts like that, he’s liable to be mistaken for the Cuban pool attendant that picks up and launders all of the towels at Mar-A-Loco.

  • Carpe Vagenda

    Although this picture from today’s egg roll should give you some idea of how (other than heredity) he ended up this way.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/2d54c403da53d365d11028e080e17015e5829806accd60e270affc275b45a261.jpg

  • Panika MCD

    I believe the correct number of those shirts to buy between 5 and 10,000 (because the abbreviated version of what you were going for was “5-10 thousand”) would be 35. that way you, the creepy one, Tsarina Daddy Wears the Bigly Tie, Spice Spice Baby and K-Con on the Cob can each have one for every day of the week. I am sure your servants will kindly mark each one with the day it is to be worn and the name of the wearer so that you don’t get confused and leave the White House where you were NOT talking to Tsarina Daddy Thinks Yr Ugly about the bidniz on a Tuesday wearing K-Con on the Cob’s shirt intended to be worn on Shabbat.

  • OlivesOlives

    tap tap tap … Is this thing on?

    Believe me, I’m not commenting, which is not allowed.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/0034beaeb3093164d72fa835c7701d343f3ceaf870d53f3cca64f48b5f8b7b5e.jpg

  • Keith Taylor

    This is an exceedingly creepy and disturbing family. Its patriarch in particular. Due apologies to Abraham, Jacob and Isaac for calling Donald Trump a patriarch, even snarkily.

  • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

    He looks like somebody who tried out as an extra on Jersey Shore and didn’t make the cut.

  • doggiedaddy

    Dad bods are not a bad thing.
    But some take it too far.
    Son, when the end result is – Make your latest bitch hate the thought of being in the same room with you…you know you’ve succeeded in life.
    https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-i11IfNyM-eI/WPIviJcQevI/AAAAAAAA7C4/OVdGUr7D7tY3O21ZzGyxHxARgvljiby2gCLcB/s1600/Trump-golf-seated.jpg

  • Jennaratrix

    Did we really need to see that? No. No we did not.

  • The Librarian

    Re your scale, I’d have to say -5 because seeing that chump kills my libido. Maybe Jr. isn’t the dumbest, though because his shirt is spot on in relation to his attitude.

  • Lefty Frizzell

    Dapper Dan or Fop?

  • BigCSouthside

    5 bucks says that shirt is made in China

    • SeeTrain65

      I’d be surprised if it were made anywhere but China.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Fugly color, poor fit, and hideous font? I’ll take three of them!!!

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/24a9b6121e08d9ce030ce2efdbfd34fde442e6b78fdd15c2d2edd6715352e549.jpg

    • SeeTrain65

      “If he really wanted the screw you over, he’d give you four of them.”

  • Lefty Wright

    Get off the hair comments. For your information, it’s a valuable trick while on safari. Who wants to be stuck 2 miles from camp when you run out of fuel. Hint: carry your own emergency cache of petroleum products in your hair!! All the cool people know that.

    • JustDon’tSayFlatEarth

      Works great – until you light that post-kill cigar.

  • Bill Slider

    I look forward to Halloween.

  • Jeffery Campbell

    What that boy ought to be buying is a chin, FFS.

  • Raan
  • SecludedCompound

    Eric’s got a little bit of a Bizarro World Ben Wyatt thing going on.

  • psychobroad

    When I read “dumber than a brick of molten horseshit” I knew I was reading Evan’s work. Sure enough! Keep being you, Evan, you give the rest of us such pleasure!

  • Celtic_Gnome

    I will not be in my bunk for a long, long time.

  • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

    Hey Zoolander’s bung-wax, could you model a Fake Noose, next?

    (It’s your brother that is Brüno’s ass-bleach, right?)

  • Dave n DC

    I love his neck tan line!

  • honeywest

    Asshat. Fox & Friends are real news and NYT is fake? You are a fucking idiot.

  • Alexander Stallwitz
  • whitroth

    No, it’s not his body, he’s saying everything that he says is real fake news…. I can go along with that!

    • I thought he was saying that he was fake news and he is not really a Trump.
      would explain A LOT

  • stubbornirishlass

    “…roasted wombat cum…”

    No one else can work words like you, Evan.

    • phoenix00

      > butt herpes pulled a Mt. Vesuvius
      > brick of molten horseshit
      > I am just putting wombat spooges in my hair for nothing

      Absolutely agreed. These are all new classics in the Wonkette lexicon.

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    I bought this T-shirt and all I got was this cheap “businessman”.

  • Roadstergal

    He looks like he’s playing Kenickie in a shitty local theater production of Grease.

  • “Who’s got two thumbs and herpes? This guy!”
    “Who’s got two thumbs and no shot beyond nepotism? This guy!”
    “Who’s got two thumbs which have recently been shoved up his own ass? This guy!”

  • javadavis

    I got the best pictures in this one! It was kittens, kittens, kittens all the way down, thanks to Make America Kitten Again! I thought about turning it off long enough to wee what Evan is talking about, but why punish my eyes like that?

  • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

    Such a snarky asshole. But not the good snark, like the pure and shiny Wonkette snark, but the nasty, dirty kind that makes me want to take a shower.

  • Rickyphoo

    That is the UGLIEST color green I have ever see! And the smuck modeling it isn’t much better.

  • persistently_resistant_gayby

    So I’m asexual now after that double whammy of disgusting – Thank you Evan.

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