SHARE
Uh, oh, someone's got a case of the Mondays!
Uh oh.

Dame Peggington Noonington enjoyed the little soiree they threw in her honor, when they awarded her the Pulitzer Pryze for Excellence in Interpreting Politicks. Oh, she might have had six or seven too many bottles of gin, but she was surrounded by like-minded people who agree that Peggy Noonan is very deserving of a Pulitzer. Also, the salt and pepper shakers were dainty and elegant, which must be why she found them in her purse when she awakened the next afternoon, as she rifled around for the handful of pills she keeps in there for days like these, when she is hungover like a common ruffian. She has a column to write, after all! There is a deadline! A nation of Wall Street Journal subscribers is starving for her next brilliant missive!

“Manuel!” Peggy Noonan yelled across the vast expanse of antiques and regret in her living room for her houseboy, Manuel, who was not answering. “Manuel! What is the news in the world of politicks? I must write of it, so that a grateful nation may understand things!” Manuel was not answering. He never did anymore, after the fateful day she fired him for insubordination. Peggy Noonan would have to discern the news on her own today.

She turned on the internet and the television box, and was appalled to see uncouth liberal intelligentsia snobby snobs maligning Steve Bannon, Donald Trump’s strategist in the White House. He seemed like a clever enough chap to her! But oh, fiddlesticks and lamentations, there they were, calling him “President Bannon” and the like. Why, one liberal web blog even called him a “pockmarked Nazi herpes blister on the B-hole of humanity,” which is highly impolite. Also, everyone is always saying he is soaked in gin. What could be wrong with being soaked in gin? It sounded like a jolly good time to Peggy, and she promptly put a sticky note on her front door, reminding her to send Manuel to the bodega for some more gin. Where is Manuel these days? Oh yes, she fired him. She put a sticky note on her bottle of emergency uppers to remind her to stop firing Manuel.

Write, Peggington, write:

My late friend Bill Safire, the tough and joyous New York Times columnist, once gave me good advice. I was not then a newspaper columnist, but he’d apparently decided I would be. This is what he said: Never join a pile-on, always hit ’em when they’re up. Don’t criticize the person who’s already being attacked. What’s the fun in that, where’s the valor? Hit them when they’re flying high and it takes some guts.

There, that’s a good start!

So, in the matter of Steve Bannon:

I think we can agree he brings a certain amount of disorder. They say he’s rough and tough, and there’s no reason to doubt it. They say he leaks like a sieve and disparages his rivals, and this can be assumed to be correct: They all do that in this White House. He is accused of saying incendiary things and that is true. A week into the administration he told Michael Grynbaum of the Times the media should “keep its mouth shut and just listen for a while.” “I love a gunfight,” he reportedly said in the middle of his latest difficulties. When he tried to muscle members of the Freedom Caucus to vote for the ObamaCare replacement bill, a congressman blandly replied, “You know, the last time someone ordered me to do something I was 18 years old, and it was my daddy, and I didn’t listen to him, either.” When I said a while back that some of the president’s aides are outlandish, and confuse strength with aggression, he was in mind.

Peggy Noonan is not above casting aspersions! Nay, no one escapes the power of Peggy Noonan’s pen. How else would America understand what is happening in Washington?

But still, she was offended:

But there’s something low, unseemly and ugly in the efforts to take him out so publicly and humiliatingly, to turn him into a human oil spot on the tarmac—this not only from his putative colleagues but now even the president. “I like Steve, but you have to remember he was not involved in my campaign until very late,” Mr. Trump purred to the New York Post’s Michael Goodwin.

Peggy struggled to recall what a wanderer had told her on one of her recent walks to the bodega. Something about how even Nazis have feelings? That was likely it!

So she wrote a nice story about how one time Steve Bannon did a speech at the Vatican about how the West hates Jesus now, and Wall Street bankers are merciless fuckers (language, Peggy, language!) and he did not commit even one hate crime during that speech. Is that not a nice story about Steve Bannon?

Peggy Noonan knew she had taken the high road, and that this is why there was a Pulitzer lying in the middle of her kitchen floor right now.

She signed off with a loving word to her devoted readers, who revel in her linguistic sorcery:

Beautiful Easter and Passover to my readers, who wrote in this week and reminded me how beautiful they are. I know that’s corny, but sometimes life is corny.

Corny! Peggy Noonan ate corn once, on one of her jaunts across the border, to learn about brown people.

Well then. Another fine week of work completed, Peggy Noonan retired to her liquor cabinet, climbed inside and dreamt of swimming in an ocean of gin with Steve Bannon. “Splish splash! Splish splash!”

It was a very sweet dream.

Wonkette is fully funded by readers like you! Click below, to fund us!

[Wall Street Journal]

$
Donate with CCDonate with CC
  • Anna Elizabeth

    This Cunt again?

    • wide_stance_hubby

      Still.

      • tomamitai

        Distill.

      • Gayer Than Thou

        Stills are for hillbillies. This is Dame Peggiford Nooninghamshire we’re talking about.

    • Gayer Than Thou

      And yet, she lacks the charisma, uniqueness, talent, and nerve I usually associate with that term.

  • dslindc

    Oh Peggy, just because there’s another person who has clearly been pickling themselves since the Reagan administration, it doesn’t mean you need to fawn over them like a school girl!

  • WotsAllThisThen

    According to Noonington’s bartender, a Pulitzer is a tall glass of gin and six olives. She has more Pulitzers before breakfast than most people do all day.

  • memzilla Ω

    If Bannon and Noonan ever got together, there wouldn’t be a bottle of gin left in a two mile radius.

    • elviouslyqueer

      You misspelled “two thousand mile,” sweetums.

    • Me not sure

      A veritable back hole for juniper berry infused liquor.

    • tomamitai

      Mother Of All Bartabs

    • coozledad

      Too Drunk to Fuck is no way to go through life.

      OK, for some folks it is.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Why thank you, Peggy. I’m totally adopting “human oil spot on the tarmac” as my go-to reference to Steve Bannon today and forever.

    • JustDon’tSayFlatEarth

      “almost human” would be a little more exact, IMHFO.

      • elviouslyqueer

        And oil spot is so much more refined than “shit stain.”

        • WotsAllThisThen

          Refined? I dunno, it still sounds crude to me.

          • BloviateMe

            ISWYDT.

          • BloviateMe

            A viscous attack, to be sure.

          • NellCote71

            Don’t get all brent out of shape.

        • coozledad

          Or “cum spot on the motel sheets of history.”

  • Wild Cat

    “My Pulitzer? It’s saggy, Steve, saggy. And when I pull on it’s Reagan, it doesn’t squirt gin. What the fuck’s the point? I’ve plent of money, Steve, plenty. I might as well bury all my Oliver North dildos and watch ‘Nurse Betty’s Exit Bag.’ No one understands our greatness. No one. By the way, is that a Nicaraguan boy’s eyeball in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? *hic!*”

  • BloviateMe

    A dusty vibrator languishes, perpetually unused, in Dame Noonington’s night stand.

    And this has made all the difference.

  • Creepoman

    “I know that’s corny, but sometimes life is corny.”

    I had a similar thought about a half hour ago – “that’s weird, I don’t remember eating any corn.”

    • Ωbjectifier

      A wastewater friend of mine calls his workplace a ‘cornback trout hatchery’.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Mr. Trump purred

    I don’t believe Trump can purr.

    • tomamitai

      He can certainly cough up hairballs, just look at his cabinet.

  • memzilla Ω
  • laughingnome

    The thing about corn is you always see it in shit.

  • Anna Elizabeth

    Let’s have an attitude check! Anna?

    “I fucking hate these Cunts in the MSM!”

    Can’t you be more positive, Anna?

    “I’m Positive that I fucking hate these Cunts in the MSM. It’s the upside to Global Thermonuclear War – we will never have to hear Wolf Blitz, Fareed do whatever the fuck he does, or Ms. Peggy bloviate stupidly about anything again.”

  • Oblios_Cap

    she rifled around for the handful of pills she keeps in there for days like these, when she is hungover like a common ruffian.

    It must be nice to be rich. This ruffian can usually only afford 1 pill.

    • Gayer Than Thou

      As long as it’s the right pill, one is all you need.

  • Anna Rompage

    Not only did Peggy eat corn once, but she was later mystified that it came out the other end looking as intact as the moment she ate it…

    “How can this be” she exclaimed!

    • Oblios_Cap

      “For it is the Kwisatz Haderach.”

    • Gayer Than Thou

      This is among the many things about corn that are disappointing and upsetting.

      • Bobathonic

        Like red hot chili peppers, you can enjoy corn twice.

        • Opalescent Riddles

          It burns, burns, burns, the Ring of Fire.

      • H0mer0

        like when the chicken popped out of the other seat in the two-seater outhouse…

    • Crank Tango

      There’s half a column, right there.

  • exinkwretch

    Here’s an edit for you, Pegz: “My late friend Bill Safire, the tough and joyous New York Times columnist (and Nixon toadie)

  • Chadwells
  • ManchuCandidate

    Maybe because being a dickish asshole racist isn’t usually welcome in polite or even semi-polite circles?

    I have a feeling that she’s more writing about herself than Steve.
    http://media3.giphy.com/media/BCOZjy2WLe8FO/giphy.gif

  • Oblios_Cap

    I thought Peggy and George Will were an item. Maybe he’s too much of a prude for her.

    • wide_stance_hubby

      Anybody and anything willing to hunch down into her crawlspace is welcome by her.

      • Shanzgood

        Oh god

    • Wild Cat

      He thinks “69” is an illegal HR total by Barry Bonds.

      • Anna Elizabeth

        *this* made me snort. XD

  • wide_stance_hubby

    Yes, deary, it’s so terribly beastly of us to marginalize A FUCKING NAZI, YOU STUPID FUCKING CUNT.

  • Mary Sandoras

    ” Mr. Trump purred to the New York Post’s Michael Goodwin.”

    You know who else is purring?

  • Bill D. Burger

    Trump: “Get in there Steve. Grab her by the Pulitzer. Look in the mirror…this is as good as it gets for people like you.”

  • Chadwells

    Pretty much ditto of everything we said about Fareed…just substitute Noonan for Zakaria and Bannon for Dampnut. Done and done.

  • WotsAllThisThen

    “Mr Trump purred…”

    That alone should be grounds for revoking a Pulitzer.

  • Vincent Ricola

    “I like Steve, but you have to remember he was not involved in my
    campaign until very late,” Mr. Trump purred to the New York Post’s
    Michael Goodwin.

    Trump purred? Like a coquettish sex vixen?

  • Lance Thrustwell

    I live for the Dame Peggington Noonington posts. Thank you Evan, you have made my morning.

    Now, dash it all, where has my tincture of Chlorodyne got to?

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      We might be out. Would you like some laudanum instead?

  • Bill D. Burger

    God damn, I want to see a drinking contest between Bannon and Noonan. Gawwwd’ that would be epic.

    http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_0wRJjXvyZ1I/TRe3b-OUJtI/AAAAAAAAF5A/5IYzq8JSeKc/s1600/BABYPEGGY.jpg

    • WotsAllThisThen

      First one to Andrew Breitbart wins.

    • WomanInThePersistence

      On seeing this headline, that was also my first thought.

    • Vincent Ricola
    • Gayer Than Thou

      🎶 I’ve written a letter to Bannon … 🎶

  • wide_stance_hubby

    Rough and tough and disordered? The man who dresses by rolling naked in a filthy laundry heap and wears everything what sticks to him? That one?

    • Robert James Nugent

      I thought that was how he bathed.

      • wide_stance_hubby

        Only in his own vomit.

  • Shoto

    “I think we can agree [Bannon] brings a certain amount of disorder. They say he’s rough and tough, and there’s no reason to doubt it.”

    You bet, Peg. Pfffft.

  • Chadwells

    Sot … looks like we need to bring that word back.

  • Crank Tango

    Yeah where’s the fun in getting a Nazi out of the White House?

    http://cdn.yourepeat.com/media/gif/001/120/171/64de9eda2c877101903287672efebc3f.gif

  • borninatrailer

    I imagine if Trump tried to imitate a purr, he’d just make a raspberry sound or say the word “puurrrrrr” all drawn out or something similarly stupid.

  • Bill D. Burger

    Peggy heads over to Steve’s house with her Pulitzer for an evening of chit-chat, giggles and an occasional sparkling apéritif.

  • Anna Elizabeth

    What does it say about me that neither Boccherini nor Bach calmed me down, but Rammstein did?

    “Feuer Frei!”

  • JMP

    “I think we can agree he brings a certain amount of disorder. They say he’s rough and tough, and there’s no reason to doubt it”

    Yeah, you seem to be leaving a fairly relevant point out, which is that he’s also an actual fucking Nazi. That’s a rather important reason people have for hating Bannon, not because he’s “rough”.

  • Crank Tango
  • Shanzgood

    Sometimes I’m really glad I live in the weird little bubble that contains no knowledge of who this woman is.

  • Crystalclear12

    Am I supposed to happy or sad that she set Manuel free?

  • borninatrailer

    In a perfect world, they’d be lovers btw.

    • Nockular cavity

      You know who else were doomed Nazi lovers?

  • memzilla Ω

    Sweet Babby Jeebus, there actually IS a drink called The Pulitzer. And OF COURSE it’s a gin drink. And OF COURSE it’s orange.
    . https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/9f68e323adf1262c9758f15977540556190db9148931af3cd33c8caeab351212.jpg

    • Martini Ambassador 🍸

      I have no idea what Fernet Branca is. Seems elitist.

      • laughingnome

        Sounds furrin’ – gimme a Coors

      • tomamitai

        A Bill Cosby routine? https://youtu.be/n2LntsPxUEU

      • Anna Rompage

        It’s basically a bitter, herbal liqueur that adds a nice intense flavor to a number of cocktails…

  • Martini Ambassador 🍸

    A Noonan-Bannon tryst is something I’m going to try very hard to avoid mentally picturing. And I’m not going to imagine them feebly groping in a claw-footed bathtub filled with vodka jello shots, either. Gross.

    • BloviateMe

      But his face is nubbed for her pleasure.

      • Farley Bot

        Snark of the day nominee

    • Prof. T. Green Bastard

      & definitely don’t picture the frothy scum that develops on the jello from Bannon’s filthy leper-lookin ass sitting in it.

      • lynchie

        who brought up Santorum and things frothy?

    • BearDeLaOursistance

      Chuck Berry is dead though, so that bathtub can’t get any nastier.

      Or CAN it?

    • anon_the_great

      You Bastard

    • jellysblues

      This is how that hot tub became coated in acid.

  • MynameisBlarney

    Odd…

    They dump this guy, but still support turmp…

    http://crooksandliars.com/2017/04/gop-abandons-obnoxious-drunk-candidate

    • Crank Tango

      Hmm, it could be they are only interested in power.

    • Granny Sprinkles

      They’re probably disgusted with him because he sought consent.

  • Crystalclear12

    Isn’t she due for an alcoholic coma?

    • I think she actually is in one.

      • Bill D. Burger

        And has been speaking out of that dark abyss for years.

      • BearDeLaOursistance

        Sterling Archer libelz!

  • Flashman

    They say he’s rough and tough, and there’s no reason to doubt it.

    This line was lifted from any of a dozen ’50s westerns, where the lip-glossed and curlered female lead is resisting advice concerning the handsome new stranger in town.

    • lynchie

      No he really said he is into rough trade

      • kareemachan

        Not ruff trade?

  • JustDon’tSayFlatEarth

    Why must this woman ruin gin for the rest of us?

    • Shanzgood

      I’m perfectly capable of ruining it for myself, thanks.

      • JustDon’tSayFlatEarth

        Stop putting all that vermouth in it, then!

  • DerpyGurdyMan
  • Ricky Gay

    corn liquor – amirite?!

  • Bill D. Burger

    Bannon eagerly awaits Peg’s arrival for that 1st of what he hopes will be many exciting dates.

    http://static1.bigstockphoto.com/thumbs/6/7/1/large1500/17627270.jpg

  • Prof. T. Green Bastard

    “You speak
    Like someone
    Who has
    Never been
    Smacked in the fuckin mouth.

    That’s okay, we have the remedy.”

    https://youtu.be/HivxFBB87-Y

    • ahughes798

      Great song.

  • Chadwells
    • Beowoof14

      Peggy thinks AB-FAB is a training video.

      • It…is not?

        • ahughes798

          Wasn’t Peggington Noonington around way before AB-FAB? I think Ms. Drunky McDrunkerson made the training video for the AB-FAB women. ;-)

  • Shanzgood

    OT: I heard from baconz finally today. He isn’t on “sanctions” (not officially) but they’re doing a bang-up job delivering retribution in the form of “lost” passes and other requests. So among other things he didn’t get to go to Good Friday services today, which he’s desperately upset about. And he still doesn’t know if he’ll be allowed to leave to START WORK on Monday or whether he’s actually even permitted to TAKE that job at all. Nor was he ever told whether his request to meet with the director was approved or denied after asking to speak to her about the Goodwill employee who said “I’m not a concierge! I don’t HAVE to take messages for you!” regarding calls from potential employers.

    So, yeah. He’s in a really bad way right now.

    • Yr. Gma

      Tell him we are behind him.

      • Doug Langley

        Ditto.

    • Zyxomma

      Sorry he’s still going through this BS. And the Goodwill employees/gatekeepers should be reminded that their organization started as a ministry, and that their motto is NOT “Who would Jesus fuck over?” FFS.

      • Shanzgood

        I’m really worried about him today.

  • JoeChristmas

    “Grab them by the Pulitzer,” The Swindler in Chief says. “You can do anything.”

  • Did not realize Pulitzer had an award for “slamming Singapore Slings while mashing a typewriter as the dog humps the empty Tanqueray bottles” category of Pulitzers. Oh these patrician chalkies and their alien, enchanting ceremonies…

  • Bitter Scribe

    Did she use “gracious” in there? You know, like how Obama wasn’t “gracious” because he didn’t know his place?

  • Panika MCD

    I still think the description of the Steve Bannon aroma by that Dick Joke Emporium was my favorite description. my laughs: they were out loud.

    but silly Evan of the excellent epithets, literary awards ceremonies are populated by at least half the people thinking one or all of the winners didn’t deserve it. just under half the board that selected Dame Peggington probably thinks her writing is better floating in a gin bottle of the coast of Bannonland.

    at least the WSJ reading public now knows, hey, it’s okay to be corny if you’re not a Noonington.

    • lynchie

      It is just a fucking club. they get together laugh and giggle have too much to drink and at one point in the evening scream “I wonder what the poor people are doing”. Then Peggy shouts back “who gives a fuck pour the scotch Manuel”

  • smitallica

    Procedural question: Do they also award Pulitzers to her co-writers, Messrs. James Beam and Jonathan Walker-Red?

    • Beowoof14

      Boodles would be her co-writer of choice.

      • TundraGrifter

        Oodles of Boodles. Or, “Say ‘Hey!’ for the Bombay!”

    • michaelusa

      Is this the internet’s tackiest site? It’s in the running. And can its devotees write without tasteless cuss words? Probably not.

  • Dear Peg Peg,
    It is absolutely 100% ok to punch actual Nazis. Which Bannon is.

    • H0mer0

      yeah, I used to feel sorry for the one being piled upon but realized that sociopaths have no capacity for self reflection, so fuck ’em.*

      *Did Peggington Noonington ever call for civility when people were being dicks to Obama? I might be going on a limb out here but the best she could do to call out the assholes was to bemoan the loss of “civility in politics” and pretend that both sides do it. She bought the false narrative of the repugs of “why can’t Obama get along with us like Bill Clinton did?” WTF? I was alive you morons, I remember what Clinton had to go through, IT WAS NO [fucking] CAMELOT! (even if blow jobs were involved on both sides, allegedly, and someone was disgusting enough to keep the dress.)
      I feel better now even though none of them will read it.

  • PressSecretaryCaptainHowdy

    I think Steve has already seen Peggy’s pulitzer.

    • lynchie

      and her dick

      • Iron Monkey

        She’s no prize.

  • TootsStansbury

    Bannon and Noonington. Two livers enter, only one liver leaves.

    • Gregory Brown

      It is a liver death cage match.

    • akita96th

      Or a tale of two assholes and one cup.

  • I do so enjoy the Wonkly tales of Dame Noonington’s exploits.

  • ThePuckStopsHere

    Joseph Pulitzer now spins in his grave at a solid 500 rpm.

  • Robin518

    I just found my favorite comment site.

    • tehbaddr

      Comments aren’t allowed.

      • Robin518

        Funny, snarky ones are.

        • Gregory Brown

          No, comments definitely are not allowed.

          • kareemachan

            Definitively. Somebody needs to read the rules.

        • H0mer0

          there[sic] called “noncomments”

  • tehbaddr

    “Pulitzer”? Is that what the Pill and Gin addled old broads are calling their Hoohahs! now, also too?

Previous articleOh Fuck Off, Fareed Zakaria
Next articleBrave Men’s Rights Activist Fears 7-Eleven Has Gone The Way Of The ‘Cuck’