Morning Wonketariat! Here’s some of the things we may be talking about today.
- The FBI got a FISA warrant to keep an eye on Carter Page because they felt like he was willfully acting as a Russian agent, so of course Carter Page is now a martyr like Jesus and Bill O’Reilly.
- Sean Spicer has apologized (again) for being A Idiot and saying some bigly bad alternative facts about the Holocaust, but the show must go on!
- Trump’s White House is releasing evidence that Syria did use chemical weapons in an attack on its own people, a charge Russia is denying as Putin claims U.S.-Russia relations are worse under Trump, which is kind of hard to believe considering how much hate Putin had for Obama.
- Trump says the U.S. is not going in to Syria, despite evidence to the contrary, and called his useless missile strike in Syria “a humanitarian operation.”
- Jeff Sessions took a trip to Arizona so he could say some rather racist stuff about Not Americans from Messico, and how we’re going to get rid of all the
“filth”illegals who try to marry our white womenAmerican womynz in the “Trump era.”
- Trump and President Bannon are having a lovers’ quarrel that’s getting a little out of control, and the Washington rumor mill says people are looking for a way to boot President Bannon. (You have to INPEACH.)
- Rex Tillerson blurted out that he wasn’t sure why U.S. taxpayers care about Ukraine during a G-7 meeting before fucking off to Russia, and now Europe is staring with wide-eyed terror as Putin salivates at their borders.
- Paul Manafort’s consulting firm DID get paid $1.2 million in 2007 and 2009 for work performed on behalf of Ukraine’s pro-Russia political party, and now Manafort is admitting he made the money he flatly denied making.
- Republicans AND Democrats on the House Intel committee got to see Devin Nunes’s “documents,” and they all say Susan Rice did nothing inappropriate at all. Weird! (No really, it’s weird the Republicans would say so too.)
- Betsy DeVos has withdrawn Obama-era reforms on student loan debt. Unfortunately, I can’t come up with a joke due to my rational fear of debtors prison.
- Trump’s White House will send a 14-page memo to federal agencies today asking for deep budget cuts in an effort to squeeze every last bloody cent out of the federal workers, which means layoffs, automation, and elimination.
- Lawyers for Apprentice contestant Summer Zervos don’t think Trump is immune from her pussgrab lawsuit because Trump’s puss-grabbing happened when he was a mere man-child.
- Republican Ron Estes won the special election for Mike Pompeo’s seat in Kansas’s 4th District, but hot damn(!) James Thompson give him a run for his money!
- Obama is going to Europe to hang out with the leader of the free world, German Chancellor Angela Merkel, to talk about democracy, and freedom, and stuff.
- GOOD NEWS EVERYONE! Bill O’Reily might have been You’re Fired! I mean, that’s what happens when old men go on vacation, right? They never come back?
- And here’s your morning Nice Time! Baby Red-Tailed Guenon
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