Nobody who has been paying attention assumes that He Who Prefers Presidents Work Instead Of Golf has a brain in his poorly groomed head. This is why he ripped off America First and Make America Great Again (that last was from Sainted Reagan even) and why even in the batshit insane froth of hyper-nationalism and bullshit he called an inaugural speech he had to channel Bane. His op-eds once belonged to Ben Carson, and that’s how you can tell how smart this man is because out of the whole wide world he thought “You know people just love that Carson guy I think I’ll be him for a minute” which is the stupidest thing a person could think excepting “it is 2016 I think I will vote Republican in the general!”
He plagiarized his Inauguration cake. Even Melania (whom I will hear no evil about, both because she is punished enough already for any mistakes she’s ever made by being married to His Most Respectful Of Women, I Bet He’s Even Better Behind Closed Doors Oh Wait His First Divorce Filings Though, but also because the woman survives on eating diamonds which is maybe a bit hoity-toity but is also a badass superpower) plagiarized parts of a speech from Michelle.
Anyone who is listening to DC gossip (I assume you all have high-ranking Republicans in your Rolodex, yes?) knows that to get a job in the Trump administration you must show loyalty. Which is probably why everyone who works for His Most Firm Of Ethics If Not Handshakes Or Other Things (seriously, there’s no problem there) has been just stealing shit left and right. From election websites to fake university courses, everyone seems to be trying to fit in by making sure His Most Emotionally Secure Of Leaders knows that never will he have to touch an original thought. He will have only the best, most test-driven thoughts! This is probably why that Monica lady resigned earlier in the year. (This, I must say, was a wasted opportunity for the nation because how easy are Monica/White House jokes?)
But all of that was before we got one of the best Cabinets in history, and by best I mean richest because this is fucking capitalism you goddamned hippies. Which is how it came to be that last month, the government of the United States of America totally ripped off an Exxon-Mobil press release. Now this might have been less an attempt to impress the boss and more just sheer laziness for our Secretary of State Rex Tillerson, who is not only named Rex but until recently ran Exxon-Mobil and writing TWO press releases is hard. Still I’m going to count it because I have a ridiculously shaky timeline thesis here and this guy is named REX. REX. I will take every shot I can get at a dude named Rex.
This month on the ethical fuckery wheel: Neil Gorsuch. Now. I sat through the first Gorsuch hearing, and golly gee willikers let me tell you if he got any folksier I was going to build a scale model of Mayberry in his home district and burn it down in front of him. But as it turns out, Mr. High And Mighty Judicial Ethics ain’t exactly pure as the driven snow after all, given that it appears he plagiarized part of his book.
It will be interesting to see how many Dems still stick by this man in accordance with the long Democratic tradition of being very polite to the GOP! One assumes that this will only bolster his reputation in the White House though as they really do prefer people who are entirely incapable of honest interactions with fellow humans.
This has been another installation of Jesus We Really Elected These People, We Are All Doomed.
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