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He is sucking your dick, WITH HIS EYES.

We don’t know how to tell you this, but crazy weirdo conspiracy theory man Alex Jones lost his temper recently. Now, as Jones has explained in the past, Wonkette is FAKE NEWS, but we encourage you to give the video below a look-see, and see if we are lying. Jones is very upset that Rep. Adam Schiff, the mean Democratic ranking member on the House Intelligence Committee, is so intent on doing a real investigation into the Trump regime’s ties with Russia, that he’s impugning the sacred patriotism of people like Donald Trump’s Studio 54 buddy Roger Stone, who is such an important target of the Deep State CIA that he gets assassinated on a regular basis. It is very :(

But what you may not realize is that, on top of how Schiff totally sucks IN GENERAL, he also, according to Alex Jones, sucks FOR LITERAL, like on peeners. How can Alex Jones tell? He can see it in Schiff’s eyes! He explained all this in a cuss-laden rant to Stone:

I’m not against gay people. OK. I love them, they’re great folks.

GREAT!

But Schiff looks like the archetypal cocksucker with those little deer-in-the-headlight eyes and all his stuff.

In Alex Jones’s experience (such as it is, we guess!) “Archetypal Cocksuckers” have little doe eyes, but SURPRISED doe eyes, probably because they are like “OMG IS ALEX JONES’S COCK IN MY MOUTH RIGHT NOW? PTOOEY! PTOOEY!” Allegedly. Alex Jones does need to please ‘splain which “Archetypal Cocksucker” Adam Schiff is, though, because he is not being specific. Here is a picture of the Archetypal Cocksuckers:

They want you for a new recruit!

Also, isn’t Roger Stone a bisexual? At least back in his Studio 54 days, ALLEGEDLY? Is it possible that HE is also the Archetypal Cocksucker? Hmmmmm:

Nope, no archetypes there.

And there’s something about this fairy, hopping around, bossing everybody around …

PRANCING LIKE A FAIRY PRINCESS TINKERBELL-LOOKIN’ BASIC QUEEN, even?

… trying to intimidate people like me and you, I want to tell Congressman Schiff and all the rest of them, “Hey listen asshole, quit saying Roger and I” — and I’ve never used cussing in 22 years but the gloves are off —

Uh oh. Cussing.

“listen you son of a bitch, what the fuck’s your problem? You want to sit here and say that I’m a goddamn, fucking Russian. You get in my face with that I’ll beat your goddamn ass, you son of a bitch. You piece of shit. You fucking goddamn fucker. Listen fuckhead, you have fucking crossed a line. Get that through your goddamn fucking head. Stop pushing your shit. You’re the people that have fucked this country over and gangraped the shit out of it and lost an election. So stop shooting your mouth off claiming I’m the enemy. You got that you goddamn son of a bitch? Fill your hand.” I’m sorry, but I’m done. You start calling me a foreign agent, those are fucking fighting words. Excuse me.

Excuse you, indeed, good sir! We counted, and he made 23 cusses about Adam Schiff, which is a lot of cusses for somebody who’s never used cusses in 22 years.

In conclusion:

He’s sucking globalist dick.

We honestly don’t know what Schiff said that’s chapping Jones’s B-hole so violently, but we guess it has something to do with how his pal Stone is a target of all the investigations into Trump/Russia collusion, and that said investigations also are looking into right-wing websites like Dead Breitbart and (cough!) Alex Jones’s InfoWars, to see how much they helped in spreading Russian disinformation throughout the 2016 campaign. But Alex Jones is obviously too smart to be an unwitting tool of the Russians, wouldn’t you think so? Alex Jones would think so.

Anyway, we must do a fact check and point out that there is no available evidence that Adam Schiff is a gay homosexual. He is married to a woman named Eve, which makes them “Adam and Eve.” However, if it turns out Schiff IS a gay homosexual, he is required by law to gay marry a guy named Steve.

Except wait, UH OH! Maybe we just found the evidence, because we went to Schiff’s Facebook page and it turns out he posed for Adam Bouska’s NOH8 project, which is about supporting the gays and the BLTs, and his eyes indeed look VERY PRETTY in his picture. Are these the sorts of gay eyes Alex Jones is apparently intimately familiar with, that have the magical power of sucking the ‘D’? We don’t know, but WHOA IF TRUE!

Our bad, Alex Jones was right the whole time, said nobody ever, THE END.

Wonkette can’t suck dick with our eyes. OR CAN WE? Anyway, give us a donation by clicking below.

[Media Matters / featured pic via NOH8 and Adam Schiff’s Facebook]

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  • Résistance Land Shark Ω
    • puredog

      One good point she makes — SHOUT-OUT TO WONKETEERS WITH REPUBLICAN SENATORS — is that you HAVE to let your Senate critter know that Gorsuch, and ending the filibuster, are unacceptable. (I’m not worried about Wyden or Merkley.)

    • That was an excellent read

  • borninatrailer

    Those eyes are what is actually turning the frogs gay.

  • Lefty Frizzell

    Nobody gives a fuck if Alex Jones is cussing mad or a foreign agent. He’s a mildly entertaining, mildly alarming nonentity.

    A fucking zero.

    • OddMan

      Who, unfortunately for all of us, is listened to regularly by our glorious leader.

    • Lamashtar

      The FBI cares.

  • Anna Elizabeth

    Ima throw a party when one Alex Jones – whom is younger than me, but looks old enough to be my father – finally rage-strokes out do do his grooving on hate and fried meats.

  • BadKitty904

    Bellowing Mastodon Trumpets Faux Rage to Con Rubes – Film at 11…

  • tapp_my_wire,please

    Meth withdrawal is never a pretty sight.

  • Mavenmaven

    I don’t know about Schiff, but Alex Jones is definitely a bottom. Like Trump for Putin.

  • puredog

    Then, William F. Buckley Jr.
    Now, Alex Jones (“You get in my face with that I’ll beat your goddamn ass, you son of a bitch.”)

    • tapp_my_wire,please

      A Gorey tale that was

  • boyblue122

    OT – not quite Alex Jones but a bunch of companies are pulling advertisements from Bill O’ Reilly’s show. Total number of companies is up to 9

    https://twitter.com/BraddJaffy/status/849321106947354626

    • Msgr_MΩment

      UNTUCKit? Wow. Pack it up, muthafuckas.

    • Bub, Zombie of the Resistance

      “Hey, sorry Bill, but we’re not going to renew your contract. It’s just business, no hard feelings…”

    • Nounverb911

      Soon all he’ll have left is adult diapers and douches….

      • Vincent Ricola

        And then they’ll die. :(

      • schmannity

        Don’t forget erectile dysfunction and prostate health. Know your audience!

    • OddMan

      A right wing bloviating dumbass belching up crap is all OK,
      but a right wing bloviating dumbass who is a dirty old man is not.
      Got it.

    • Nounverb911
      • goonemeritus

        Fox News – ” We harass, You decide”

    • Anna Elizabeth

      As a woman I’m gratified that there is some real backlash against the hateful shitstain at last, but as a human being, I have to wonder why this was his Bridge Too Far when he’s been a hate-filled, racist asshat since Day Uno?

      • boyblue122

        Fox in general hires these racist idiots all day long. Very little seems to spook advertisers

      • Latverian Diplomat

        Not to defend these guys too much, but they mostly just buy buckets of air time from cable companies. It takes a scandal for them to bother with the specifics of which actual shows their ads should or shouldn’t run on.

        • Anna Elizabeth

          Ahh. That actually makes sense. Thank you for the information, :)

        • AnnieGetYerFun

          You sure? I used to work for a company that sold the software that specifically slid commercials into the appropriate slot (that’s what she said). And there were TONS of rules, about demographics and audience, show, timing of competitors commercials, etc.

          • Latverian Diplomat

            Demographics, sure. But they don’t usually care about which shows deliver the demographic until a “scandal” breaks.

        • Lascauxcaveman

          Former TV guy here! That is true for R.O.S. (Run of station) ads which are the cheapest, bulk-buy ads, useful for getting those ‘reps’ – multiple viewings – in to make the sell message sink in.

          A great deal of advertising, and most of the money, goes to carefully targeting ads, making sure you hit your demographic, or strategically un-targeting, as in this case, to avoid negative associations.

          At least that’s how it worked 30 years ago when I started in the business.

      • AnnieGetYerFun

        Maybe customers/citizens spoke out on social media?

        • Anna Elizabeth

          That would be excellent. :)

    • schmannity

      Ainsworth Pet Nutrition says O’Reilly is not fit for a dog. Story at 11.

  • jesterpunk

    You know the scariest thing about Alex Jones is the idiot PeeOTUS actually listens to him.

  • schmannity

    Schiff isn’t calling you a Russian agent, Alpo, he is saying you are a Russian dupe.

    • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

      One country’s agent is another country’s dupe…

  • MynameisBlarney

    Oh Jonesie, you’re such a card.

  • Tennessee Rain

    I’m thinking we need TLM to cocksplain this to us…in detail.

    Yeah, right.

    • BearGHAZI

      Alex Jones acting like a shirtless tough guy and calling other people fags is pretty laughable. Requires advanced trolling that TLM is likely incapable of

  • Bub, Zombie of the Resistance

    I doubt that Jones would be so agitated if Schiff were not getting uncomfortably close to the truth.

    • BadKitty904

      And just not into him.

      • Riley Whodat Venable

        Or in him, as it were.

        • BadKitty904

          Ew.

    • Résistance Land Shark Ω

      And there is the anecdotal evidence. Trump’s weekend tweets, Alex “Blow a Gasket” Jones going all gangsta, Spicer just speaking 180º lies.

    • BearGHAZI

      He’s about to THROAT CRAM that truth

    • Lamashtar

      Maybe Russia Today copies all their propaganda from Alex!

  • Nounverb911

    I read on the internets (really this time) that Alex Jones is reporting that Comet Pizza has moved it’s child trafficking operations to LA.

    • willi0000000

      i guess they moved the basement first.

  • Résistance Land Shark Ω
    • Bub, Zombie of the Resistance

      Send some to O’Reilly, stat!

      • schmannity

        And a 10 foot applicator pole.

        • Bub, Zombie of the Resistance

          Pfffft! Hannity can apply it with his tongue.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    All the guys think he’s a spy
    He’s got Adam Schiff-y eyes.

  • Amelia Resists and Persists

    Reason #15472 to love Adam Schiff: Alex Jones hates him. Excellent.

  • Crank Tango

    OK tough guy. Look out, it’s chemtrail!

  • BadKitty904

    Have some more pork rinds and chill, Al…

  • elviouslyqueer

    Welp, I guess we know now who is Turgid Love Muscle’s alter ego.

    • Eileen Besse

      HAHAHAHAH!!!!!

  • Nightcrawler

    Roger Stone looks like the most stereotypical Jersey mobster I’ve ever seen.

    • Nounverb911

      Roger “Little Pussy” Stone?

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Well, he’s sort of a beach at Atlantic City Jersey mobster, not a guy in Newark.

    • FlownΩver

      Re: the tattoo of Nixon on his back – One person, three dicks.

    • Lamashtar

      ?Really? Jersey mobsters are kinda weedy looking, I guess. I always thought Manafort had the mobster look.

  • schmannity

    Stone at the end of the video: “it is the worst kind of demagoguery. . . . When you question our patriotism . . .when you start to question our loyalty to the United States, that does cross a line.”

    What a drama queen. You’d think he had been called a secret Kenyan Muslim bent on destroying the United States.

    • Tennessee Rain

      You watched the video? I bow to the strength of your constitution.

      • schmannity

        I usually have one or two bomb runs on the Infowars comment section weekly, followed by a bleach and penicillin cocktail.

        • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

          You DID wear a condom on every typing finger and each eyeball, yes?

        • Lamashtar

          ::slow clap::

  • Nightcrawler

    Thanks for the reminder about Alex Jones, guys. I had almost forgotten to take my daily swig of fluoride water.

  • Lance Thrustwell

    I just looked at that picture and… well, this is embarrassing, but… damn it, I always thought I was straight… {breaks down, weeping} And I’m out of kleenex damn it! {bawls}.

    • puredog

      Why? What happened to all your Kleenex?

    • Lamashtar

      Its the bondage!

  • Marceline

    This idiot is always threatening to beat someone up.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Too bad he’s such a coward and won’t try to start something so he can wind up in the ER with a few broken ribs.

      • theCryptofishist

        I dunno. Those ribs look well padded.

  • Nightcrawler

    Alex Jones: The people are waking up and coming out to support Trump!
    Also Alex Jones: The people are all brainwashed sheeple.

  • goonemeritus

    I’m not going to argue gay spotting tips with a guy that eats sausage while shirtless in public.

    • BearGHAZI

      Why? Afraid of a little sausage-in-the-eye?

      • goonemeritus

        Never argue with people that believe their own lies.

  • Eddie Van Bernays

    Did Alex Jones just blow a head gaysket?

    • Finnabar87

      It’s his usual Tuesday gasket blowing.

      • elviouslyqueer

        That’s not the only thing he’s blown.

  • BearGHAZI

    I don’t have deer-in-the-headlight eyes, but I DEFINITELY have ‘all the stuff.’

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Alex Jones: Vlad’s OTHER buttboy.

  • elviouslyqueer

    In the spirit of “those who smelt it dealt it,” those who sucked it generally fucked it, Alex.

  • Résistance Land Shark Ω

    I soooooo much want to have InfoWars and Breitbart declared “Russian Propaganda” web sites. Sooooo much ….

  • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot
  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Speaking as one of Adam Schiff’s constituents, I have just one thing to say to Alex Jones:

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/55d8e6f4b93eb3ceeddd82206546c7f839664de373d842f3c827dc0a25c6f576.jpg

    • BearGHAZI

      For a moment I imagined you were one of ALEX JONES’ constituents, which begged the question, how did that happen? Did you buy some penis pills?

  • The Flaming Carrot

    The chaotic, narcissistic rage spiral was the beginning of the end for Dead Breitbart, too.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9NzHHQASizE

  • Sheepshagger

    Madam in Eden I’m Adam.

  • memzilla Ω

    Hmmm… mayhaps someone just received an attorney’s demand letter that specified the size of the settlement it will take to make the Pizzagate lawsuit against Jones go away, the client of said attorney not being AT ALL satisfied with Jones’ insincere on-air apology ten days ago, and the contents of said demand letter was an echo of Peter Thiel’s lawsuit against Gawker, which can be summarized as: ALL YOUR WEBSITE BELONG TO US.

  • Eddie Van Bernays

    Alex Jones: “I’m telling you right now… I’ll destroy you…. I’ll start with those soft doe-y eyes… and move down to that filthy mouth of yours… then I’ll work my way to that throbbing vein in your neck… and… wait, what ?”

    • Villago Delenda Est

      “Oh, hurt me, hurt me, Alex. Make me write bad checks. I’m so scared!”

      Adam Schiff as he sips a tumbler of single malt.

      • Eddie Van Bernays

        Alex will have the Penis Grigio.

      • Little Lulu Ω

        “Make me write bad checks” – I haven’t heard that in years!

    • MynameisBlarney
    • anwisok

      Wait, what? Alex Jones is TLM?

      • FlownΩver

        The Little Mermaid, I’m guessing.

  • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

    For the folks down in lurkage who can’t tell the Russian agents from the superpatriots, and don’t quite get why Uncla Sam would want to keep tabs on at least one of those groups (I assume most actual Wonkazoyds get this), herewith a primer from someone who knows whereof he sprach:

    http://www.stonekettle.com/2017/04/unpresidented.html

    • Résistance Land Shark Ω

      Same thing with incidental collection. Every time we listen into a warzone, there you are. Every time we listen to the Russians, there you are, there your friends are, there your business associates are. Now, even if we didn’t keep a recording of the actual words of the call (or the email) the fact that you keep contacting an adversary, might indicate something’s up even if the individual calls seem innocent. And that might be enough for a FISA warrant to dig deeper. That’s how you catch drug smugglers and mafia dons and spies.

  • whitroth

    Come on, isn’t it *obvious* why he’s so mad at Schiff for going after Gates? The Russians wouldn’t waste time or money on Jones… but Gates might. If Gates goes down, does this cut into Jones’ income, perhaps seriously?

    I ask, you decide!

  • Cousin Itt de La Résistance

    Archetypal Cocksucker is the name of my new grunge punk boy band.

    • BearGHAZI

      They sound pretty cute

  • schmannity
    • Cousin Itt de La Résistance

      Vagina dentata?

    • ariel_gee_398

      Is that photo the model for the demon thing in Legion?

    • Tennessee Rain

      What did we ever do to you to deserve having this foisted upon us?

    • Hanaka

      Way too much teeth.

    • Mpeg

      He looks purplexed.

    • MynameisBlarney

      Heh…

      Goatse.

    • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

      Is this Fleshlight’s new 2017 model, trying to tap into all that freefloating hate of the Trump Era?

  • Latverian Diplomat

    So, is the need to preface hate speech against group x with “Group x people are wonderful, but…” a sign of progress in these dark times?

    • DensityDestiny

      I shamefully admit that I start almost every fight with my husband this way. “I love you but…” Passive-aggressive? Don’t know, but it makes up for his habit of hitting me with a sick burn then yelling “JK!” every fucking time.

      • puredog

        I hear Mr. Jones has a marriage-counseling business on the side.

        • DensityDestiny

          Ooo, I’ll save that for the next fight!

      • Lamashtar

        My favorite kitchen wall plaque says: “I love you more today than yesterday. Because yesterday you really pissed me off.”

    • SayItWithWookies

      No.

  • See, I know you guys are like 60 years behind, but conservatives? It’s not really an insult anymore to accuse a guy of liking cock. We hetero-bros aren’t going to wail and run away crying. We’re going to wonder what the fuck your problem with gay people is and tell you to go fuck yourself.

    • Anna Elizabeth

      It’s almost like when a Straight man is secure in his masculinity, he doesn’t mind how other people live and he hopes they are happy.

      Funny, that. :)

      • Villago Delenda Est

        My first thought, too. Which is why these guys are all classic closet cases.

        • Anna Elizabeth

          *nods*

      • Lance Thrustwell

        And what the hell is wrong with sucking cock anyway? Way I see it, you either like doing it, like receiving it, both, or you view it at a bemused distance as something other people do. Where does outrage come in?

        • Anna Elizabeth

          Right on! If you don’t want to, then don’t. Why would anyone care how other consenting adults enjoy themselves unless they are secretly jealous?

        • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

          It comes in when one Alex Jones has to tamp down and subvert all his feelings of desire towards other men into anger at someone.

          That, or from the frustration arising from Roger Stone’s old weak jaw and baggy neckwattle no longer providing enough friction anymore to even register any sensation on Alex Jones’ trucker-speed-supplemented weenis.

        • Rags

          Are you talking about choice??? You must know that choice has no place in conservative thinking about manparts, ladyparts, transparts or how they are employed; p in v, miss posish, for kids, within marriage or GTFO (literally).

          • Lamashtar

            If we are to believe Vice President Pence…heh. Vice.

            …the ability to be sexually attracted means YOU CAN’T RESTRAIN YOURSELF.

          • theCryptofishist

            Which is why they are so obsessed with everything else.

          • Pamdrodriguez

            Google is paying $97 per hour! Work for few hours & have longer with friends and family! !ft294c:
            On monday I got a great new mclaren f1 from having earned $12778 this last four weeks.. 3 to 5 hours of work a day… Weekly paychecks… Bonus opportunities…Its the most-financialy rewarding I’ve had.. It sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it
            !ft294c:
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    • gamera23

      Except for Milo, but only because he won’t shut up about it.

  • Mpeg

    Does Infowars’ HQ have a Cool Down Room for this bloviating turdbucket? Like where he can go relax and mastrbate to some 1990s Spice Girls hits or something?

  • TJ Barke

    For someone so allegedly anti-authoritarian, AJ sure seems hep to Donnie’s fascist agenda…

  • Vincent Ricola

    I’ve got $1000 on Adam Schiff in the imaginary fight with Alex “infowars supplements and general unhealthy appearance” Jones.

  • A Groucho Marxist

    Alex Jones talking about Schiff sounds a lot like me talking about Alex Jones.

    Which I guess doesn’t say much for me, but fuck that guy.

  • laughingnome

    So in WWII we had Tokyo Rose and Axis Sally. Today we have Dead Breitbart and Alex Jones.

  • Crystalclear12

    Another reminder that everyone is getting some but me, apparently.

  • Hobbes’ Evil Twin

    I’m starting to think this Alex Jones fellow might have a little anger management issue.

  • schmannity

    So Alex Jones IS Brett O’Keefe and Stone is Dar Adal.

  • aureolaborealis

    Methinks the lady doth protest too much.

  • Greyhame

    Oh I didn’t realize Roger Stone was one of the schlubs perving around with Trump in all the Studio 54 debauchery. Well then, BRB after the vomiting subsides …

    • Red Bird Ω

      Wait. Was Trump big in the Studio 54 crowd? I was a baby but I’ve heard….stories.

      • whitroth

        I have vague memories of a few headlines, or pics, and there were a lot of stars who went there, so I can’t see how Benito wouldn’t have hung out there, trying to Meet the Stars…

      • tomamitai

        He doesn’t drink and he doesn’t smoke, so what DID he do there? https://youtu.be/o41A91X5pns

        • Red Bird Ω

          Wow. That song is old. I remember thinking their song Strip was so scandalous. The guy was cute. :)

          Also, I didn’t watch the whole thing. Caruso the wiener dog has a new video. My tastes have matured.

        • HogeyeGrex
  • Michael Smith

    Why is it that Wingnuts love to precede a hateful rant full of slurs by disclaiming any hate for the group they are about to, at least implicitly, condemn?

    • aureolaborealis

      Also: “I can’t be racist/homophobic/misogynist/xenophobic I’m just saying what I think!

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Hmmm. Does the reptilian hindbrain actually “think”?

    • Greyhame

      “I’m not racist … but –” (blah blah, , blah blah blah “go back where they came from!”)

    • NastyBossetti

      They actually seem to believe it gives them immunity. You can’t say he is being homophobic when he SAID right there that he thinks gay people are great! What more do you want?!

    • Carpe Vagenda

      Because saying “except for Peter Thiel” or “other than Clarence Thomas” would be a bit too pointed.

  • laughingnome
  • Ok. Had a half day of work today. Entertain me into a rage-stroke! And no, i am still not watching any Alex Jones videos

    • Hutch

      It’s like the video from “The Ring” (“Ringu”), watch him once and you’ll wish you hadn’t in seven days. That’s what I’ve read!

    • Tennessee Rain

      Schmannity watched so we don’t have to.

    • Edith Prickly

      They’re all the same anyway. Spray spit, sweat, cuss, arglebargle, voice rising, face turning an alarming shade of purple-red, WAKE UP SHEEPLE!!!

      You’re welcome.

    • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

      His Fradulency, the failed casino owner, wants to re-open the largest gambling house in the world:
      https://twitter.com/CNN/status/849335780950626304

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        time to stock up on tulips and dogecoin

      • WotsAllThisThen

        I dunno, I’m skeptical whenever this guy talks about a hiarcut.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Just what we need. A second great recession.

        • HogeyeGrex

          Oh, this one will be yuuuge. Just the greatest recession ever.

      • I doubt many bankers or brokers are really afraid of regulators.

    • HogeyeGrex

      Never get out of the boat.

  • ResistanceFictionista blondeiq

    Alex Jones = Alexei Volkov, decommissioned Soviet agent. People are saying.

    • schmannity

      Sonavabitch! This confirms what I just read on the internet!

      • Lamashtar

        Where everything is true!

    • WotsAllThisThen

      and that’s only one step away from Alexei Volkov = Andrei Kovmann

    • I thought Alexei Volkov was one of those pro wrestling characters. Although I guess now that Trump is in office, they have probably stopped using Russians as the villains and switched to messicans and ahabs.

      • Riley Whodat Venable

        And Lucha Libra has ICE Agents as heels. It is great.

  • wide_stance_hubby

    He needs to sit the hell down, take off his shirt and eat. . .something lightly salted from a bag.

    • Magyar Has Had It With Trump

      Preferably something rat based, salty and bagged

  • Tony Prost

    Ptooey!!! Alex just had a cussgasm, after holding it back all those years!

  • Nounverb911

    OT
    The list is up to eleven now!
    https://twitter.com/BraddJaffy/status/849336060551278592

    This is fun!

    • Anna Elizabeth

      When you lose Constant Contact, you make Miz Anna say “WTF is Constant Contact?”

      Nonetheless, Brava, corporate-types.

      • puredog

        Constant Contact: E-Mail Marketing for the Tea Party.

        • Anna Elizabeth

          Wow, and BillO lost *them*? Wow.

      • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

        Constant Contact seems to buy up a lot of ad time on MLB Network…but it’s better than the ads I got on the History Channel pushing the whole “Deep State” conspiracy.

        • Anna Elizabeth

          Holy Shit. I remember when History Channel had actual “history” on it.

          *shakes head*

          • Villago Delenda Est

            “The Hitler Channel”

          • Anna Elizabeth

            Yeah, back when Dinosaurs walked the Earth. They showed really good documentaries back in the 90s.

          • theCryptofishist

            Do you suppose those are accessible on line somewhere?

          • Anna Elizabeth

            I’ve found some on youTube, actually. Search “Military Documentary”

          • HogeyeGrex

            The Guns-N-Huns channel.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        I’m pretty sure that constant contact is what he keeps getting sued over

      • I was picturing that orange and spices tea, but I’m pretty sure that is wrong.

        • Anna Elizabeth

          XD Constant “Comment”.

          • That is why I am confused, comments are not allowed. ;-)

          • Anna Elizabeth

            By George, you’ve Gotten it! Hip, hip!

      • MynameisBlarney

        While I’m glad these companies are bailing on that fucker.
        All his previous bigotry and stochastic terrorism they had no problems with evidently.

        • Lamashtar

          It does feel faddish.

      • Riley Whodat Venable

        Isn’t that the fancy teabags you get in expensive hotels? (and if that isn’t a joke setup I’m at a loss)

        • Anna Elizabeth

          Somebody explained it’s some kind of EMail service. I had literally never heard of it before.

        • theCryptofishist

          You’re thinking of Constant Comment, perhaps. Twinings? There’s a Brexit company name if I ever saw one.

          • Riley Whodat Venable

            Constant Comment.

    • WotsAllThisThen

      As long as he still has the catheters, he’ll be okay. Wait, did he lose the catheters? Oh shit.

    • mailman27

      UNTUCKit ?!? Whoa, if true!!

  • Nick Scroggs

    I said I would not come back, but I needed a place to say what I am thinking and not hold back, like The Alex up there. Basically, I am just frustrated at the UCLA Republicans, because they are holding a “Blue Lives Matter” thing tomorrow, and I just wanted to rip the fucking sign down or write on it “fuck you GOP bastards”, but since I would get caught, I just did a hashtag telling them off. But that probably won’t work, they’ll just fucking laugh it off or claim it as evidence of the totalitarian college system, the fucks. Why does nothing seem to work, like they actually believe in whatever the fuck Steve King or Louis Gohmert say, it’s so,cfucking frustrating, especially if one were to talk to them, am I insulated or are they? Fuck, I want to just tell them ” I dance to no Soros tunes, fuckers, you fucking idiots”.

  • machiaevil

    How would “the Russians did it” sound while you get hit by a 1,000 Volts AC current?

    • MynameisBlarney

      Didn’t you get the boot earlier?

    • tomamitai

      Current is measured in Amps, not Volts.

      • WotsAllThisThen

        Current events are measured in dolts.

        • Magyar Has Had It With Trump

          Well played

  • aureolaborealis

    TL;DR: An angry, corpulent wing-nut thinks about rape and guys sucking dicks a lot.

    • MynameisBlarney

      Even Shorter TL;DR;
      Republican.

      • Anna Elizabeth

        XD LOL

      • weejee

        And shortest, Alex’s peener.

        • MynameisBlarney

          LAWL!

  • x111e7thst

    Just because I (allegedly) ran into Stone occasionally at the Anvil does not mean he was bisexual.

    • Carpe Vagenda

      and just because Stone advertised for gentlemen of enhanced dermal melanin to have sex with his wife while he watched doesn’t mean…

      Oh, wait. It does.

    • Magyar Has Had It With Trump

      My hubby used to be there every Saturday night. Dancing on the bar. But he never peed on anyone. Allegedly.

      • x111e7thst

        Was he the one in the grey suede chaps with the big silver conches?

        • Magyar Has Had It With Trump

          Black leather, I’m sure. He was Mr. Long Island Leather one year in the 70’s

  • weejee

    Guess Alex played a lot of football sans helmet.

    • Nounverb911

      He was the tackling dummy.

  • aureolaborealis

    I still can’t get over the fact that Alex Jones is only 43. He’s going to die of old age before he turns 50.

  • Martini Ambassador 🍸

    Attempting to impugn someone by implying that person is gay is so 1950’s. Like, really, most of us care anymore? (Turgid Lovemuscle notwithstanding.)

    Which prompts the question, has anyone seen TLM and Alex Jones in the same bathhouse at the same time?

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      a shirtless TLM

      *oukes*

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Or, for that matter, the same closet?

    • theCryptofishist

      Or in the same Wonkette non-commenting section? How does Alex Jones know we are fake news, anyway?

  • Mpeg

    ♪ “Will the derp-le
    Be unbro-ken
    By and by Lord, by and by?
    There’s a blood vessel
    Tryin’ to ‘splo-o-o-ode
    In his eye, Lord, in Jones’ eye” ♪

    • Villago Delenda Est

      ‘Splode away, oh blood vessel of vengeance!

  • MynameisBlarney
    • WotsAllThisThen

      The bananas were warned, nevertheless they persisted.

    • I hope you split.

      • MynameisBlarney

        You mean, make like a tree?

    • NastyBossetti

      I know a guy with a banana suit. I wonder where this was…

      • Lance Thrustwell

        Funniest banana suit I ever saw was at a death metal festival. A sea of black T-shirts, and this lone, bright yellow banana in their midst. I cheered for the banana.

        • NastyBossetti

          This guy I know wears his at punk shows. So you’re just like rocking out and then a banana goes crowdsurfing overhead! I had no idea it was like… a thing!

  • Carpe Vagenda

    um. No, seriously. Dude. I loved you in Deliverance.

    It’s afternoon, and Jones is walking through the studio, his adrenaline level high and his blood sugar low. He needs to get somethingto eat. Platters of BBQ – chicken, beef and sausages – are set out on a table in the conference room. “Good barbecue,” says Jones. “You tasted it already?”

    He piles up food onto a plastic plate, and then he suddenly takes off his shirt without explanation. With his bare torso, he sits there and shovels meat into his mouth, a caricature of manliness, but also a show of power to the reporter sitting in front of him. He can do as he pleases.

    Then Jones gets up and holds out a sausage. “Wanna suck?” he asks.

    Who even knew he played the banjo?

  • machiaevil

    I can imagine the terrified look in (((Schiff’s))) eyes once he got to see the intel Nunes saw, you know, the one he has been trying to avoid out of fear Nunes was telling the truth. “More than circumstantial evidence? I never said that”. “Collusion? What collusion?”.

  • Résistance Land Shark Ω

    Pizzagate! Oh damn … I forgot about the pizzagate suit. And being mentioned as a tool of the Russian propaganda machine. Alex is having a down right shitty week.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/74584726b5123addb76655ac209461e7603a2166b3ac441140d86ceb6b4dffd9.jpg

  • WotsAllThisThen

    “Hey listen asshole, quit saying Roger and I”

    Damn straight. The name of the movie is “Roger and Me” and it’s a goddam classic.

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    Get off your fat ass, man. Why does Schiff have to come to you for a beating? Why can’t you waddle to wherever he is and kick his ass? Lazy piece of shit.

  • Greyhame

    All right, that was not a pretty picture.

    So Alex Jones continues to be a fleshy manifestation of any given enraged-internet-tough-guy comment section? Watch out folks, we’ve got a real badass over here! (And it’s particularly dangerous because he likes to go topless while eating barbecue sausage piles, like a real man.)

  • Ms.MLG on Maui

    That is not the cursing of someone who’s out of practice. We all know using naughty words is, well, the absolute worst thing you can do. Worse than lying, raping, killing, stealing, bigotry, war, genocide and running a scam to take money from paranoid mentally unstable people.

    • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

      The use of excessive violence has been approved. However, filthy language will get you 20 years in the pen.

  • AnnieGetYerFun

    But how can he suck dick with that duct tape over his mouth?

    • Nick Scroggs

      Just cut a hole in it.

    • rubikcube

      Details…

    • NastyBossetti

      if I’m reading this correctly, he does it with his eyes. I’ve never attempted it myself because it seems impossible and also getting that stuff in your eyes stings a lot. So I hear.

      • Sheepshagger

        He winks them off.

    • lucidamente

      He uses unmasking tape.

  • stankbait

    Looks to me like a loud mouthed puss bucket needs to be taught a lesson.

  • AmusedAmused

    Alex Jones should shut up, sit down, take off his shirt and eat a meal consisting of the following:

    1. Pan-friend milt (unseasoned)
    2. Steak from an old cow that was fed nothing but fish all its life
    3. Pickled watermelon
    4. Singed swim bladder (but only after he eats the dried fish containing it first)
    5. Chocolate-covered salo.

    And he should chase it all down with sauerkraut juice.

    • Red Bird Ω

      What is wrong with you?

      • AmusedAmused

        Hey, I’ve eaten all these. They are real foods. Except I’ve never had chocolate-covered salo, only regular salo.

        Damn, I forgot to include boiled calves’ feet with vinegar.

        • Red Bird Ω

          I tried to Google that.

  • Tio_Doidinho

    Hell hath no fury like a bossy bottom who hasn’t gotten it in a while.

  • Jonny On Maui

    How long before someone finally says, ” Sure, Alex you blowhard, I’ll get in the octagon with you, no holds barred.” and we finally find out what kind of hospitalization plan the blowhard has?

    • Sheepshagger

      CIA has good healthcare don’t they?

    • aureolaborealis

      His personality type is well known in jujitsu circles. Science Fact: nobody who talks like that and looks like that ever has any game — other than memories of schoolyard bullying — to back it up. I have no fantasies of violence, but I would love to roll with him, just to give him a glimpse of how out of his depth he is with all this bullshit macho talk. Sport jujitsu rules, Alex, and any rules you break, I get to break, too.

      • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

        I’d pay to watch that fight– all ten seconds or so of it.

        • aureolaborealis

          Way more fun to let it drag out and watch the sense of helplessness and panic overwhelm him. I don’t think any submissions would be necessary; position and pressure would be enough to have him doubting everything he thinks he knows about being a tough guy. *

          * Disclaimer: I am far from being the most qualified person to give him this lesson, but I’m 99% sure I’m qualified enough. I would enjoy it, but it would probably be more fun to watch a 135-pound woman do it to him.

          • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

            I’m 5’3″, 60 years old, weigh more than 135 and haven’t been in the karate dojo since my first total hip replacement 2 years ago. I think I could beat him, but it’d take more than 10 seconds.

  • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

    Hell, didn’t someone once tell an Alex Jones reporter to “drink a dick?”

    So, maybe that’s NOT water sitting next to Alex Jones in his shirtless sausage-gobbler photograph. And with that, that’s just too many dick euphemisms for anyone to conclude anything other than “Alex Jones chugs dong regularly.” Science fact!

    (I refuse to post that photo, as my eyeball belt sander is in the shop)

  • rubikcube

    Archetypal Cocksucker: Alex Jones -should be said from now until it is chiseled on his headstone.
    BTW: I’ve heard cockmeat goes nicely with shirtless juevos rancheros in the AM. I’m not saying, I’m just you know saying.

    • Carpe Vagenda

      I’m kind of queasily fascinated that he thinks the platonic ideal of a cocksucker is a man.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        I’m reminded of George Carlin: “Why is it that a cocksucker is a bad man, and not a good woman?”

  • gamera23

    Alex enjoys taking off his shirt with other men and sucking on sausages, and there’s nothing more manly than that.
    http://www.spiegel.de/international/world/a-visit-to-the-infowars-studios-of-alex-jones-a-1136654.html

    • Just another thing he has in common with his little Vladdie?

    • rubikcube

      “If it’s good enough for Vikings, it’s good enough for me.” – Alex Jones

  • Tj McGee Wright

    Why is Alex Jones always trying to instigate truckstop fights with whichever librul he’s pissed at today?
    I’m a starting to think that Alex Jones might not be the very most smartest person around. Quite Possibly.

    • Ms.MLG on Maui

      Yet none of these rumbles ever take place! It’s like when my 20 lb dog acts like a barking badass to a pit bull from the safety of inside my car.

      • Tj McGee Wright

        Maybe progressives are simply less interested in naked-wrestling some loudmouth meathead as much as Alex Jones thinks they do!

      • osceola

        Actually, back in the ’90s he got in an argument in our local cable access parking lot and threatened to get the gun out of his car. The other guy beat his ass.

    • MeerkatsRMammals

      Right? Wasn’t he just challenging Alec Baldwin to bare knuckle brawl a few weeks ago? Alex better settle down before he goes into cardiac arrest! Or, on second thought…

      • majii

        This diseased-minded tool took a pic of himself standing in his kitchen in Texas and posted it to social media, daring Pres. Obama to “come after him” for some unknown reason. I saw the pic near the end of last year, and after searching my mind for any instance that PBO has said anything to, or about, Jones, I came up empty. There is something wrong with Alex Jones’ thinking, something seriously wrong. As my dearly departed parents used to say, “His elevator doesn’t go all the way to the penthouse,” meaning his ability to think about things and reach logical, realistic conclusions is impaired.

        • theCryptofishist

          Not the sharpest knife in the drawer, also, too.

          • Thespian Pony Ron

            Not even the sharpest SPOON in the drawer.

          • theCryptofishist

            And that’s not even throwing in those bitter, lesbian grapefruit spoons.

        • Meccalopolis

          His cheese has slid off his cracker

    • Nockular cavity

      Oh, sounds like he’s trying to instigate something at a truckstop, all right.

      • Thespian Pony Ron

        Alex Jones, lot lizard.

        • Dudleydidwrong

          Lot lizard libelz! Most LLs I’ve known (not professionally, now) had higher standards than Alex.

  • Ms.MLG on Maui

    I would pay good money to see the petite police officer in the striped tights from The Village People battle and vanquish Alex using only ballet kicks.

    Macho, macho maaaaaannnnnn….

    • Maybe we could get Alex to try and sell some meat to Shanzgood and watch her take him down.

      • Ms.MLG on Maui

        I would point and laugh so much!

    • Longstreet63

      Nah, I gotta go with the Indian.

      Remember, the Village People made a movie, “Can’t Stop The Music” in which is it not at all mentioned about anyone maybe being a bit gay, and in which a famous athlete was cast in order to provide a more masculine leading man…Bruce Jenner.
      It is frankly hilarious.

  • Flashman

    Tomorrow’s POTUS tweet today.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Alex, give it up — you’re a fuckin’ Russian shill with the integrity of a third-rate carnival barker, the spine of a loaf of Wonder Bread, and all the discernment of a horny Yorkie. No amount of cussing will make you look tough or resolute or in any way factually correct. Shut and up and shill, bitch. Shill, shill, shill — Uncle Vlad’s not paying you shitty little increments of Survival Seeds for nothing, bitch, now get on it.

    • Nick Scroggs

      Oe he is so insane that he doesn’t realize he was working with the Illuminati wannabes all along.

      • osceola

        ALEX JONES IS A FALSE FLAG OPERATION!!!

        (Pass it on….)

    • The Wanderer

      That entire non-comment also describes Trump.

      • SayItWithWookies

        And many White House staffers and presidential appointees.

  • Nasty Candy Apple

    Maybe Alex will rage himself into a stroke and be paralyzed and unable to speak, with votes.

    • rubikcube

      I want one of those sorry-ass chalkboards tied around his neck like drooling Anthony Hopkins in Legends of the Fall…(sad)

  • Jgb979

    Wow: even under the standards of “the government is creating more gay people with drugs” and “newton was a false flag”

    that was a remarkably obscene, unhinged, lunatic rant.

    • majii

      “Not to sound like a prude but “what if kids were listening to this?””

      Like many other things some “c”hristians hold dear, their children and what they’re exposed to doesn’t matter when it comes to having someone like Jones using profanity. If it advances their view of the world, Jones is their hero and is speaking truth to power on their behalf. These types of “c”hristians are very well-versed in ‘splaining why they are so quick to abandon their Christian values for POS like Trump, Josh Duggar, Alex Jones, Bill O’Reilly, and many, many others.

      • Dudleydidwrong

        “Well, our Jeezus got mad, too. Bet he said some nasty words when he drove them scheming Jooz outta that temple. And what’dya think he called them Romans!”

  • Tj McGee Wright

    He’s maybe just buthurt that all his Trumptard friends are going to jail and then they cant mud-wrestle eachother any more.

  • MeerkatsRMammals

    How does one “suck dick with their eyes”? All these years I’ve been doing it wrong???

  • rubikcube

    That moment I caught the eyes of Alex Jones and ..slurp! It all happened so fast..

  • Rick Hill

    This begs the question: Is Alex Jones real identity…throbbing turgid member guy?

    • Parakeetist

      Yes.

  • Flashman

    People who live in pervy, child-molester-faced houses shouldn’t throw stones.

  • Suse

    Trump ally Roger Stone (looking very stoned) accuses Trump son-in-law Jared Kushner of leaking ‘fake news’ to ‘Morning Joe’

    http://www.rawstory.com/2017/04/trump-ally-roger-stone-accuses-trump-son-in-law-jared-kushner-of-leaking-fake-news-to-morning-joe/

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      Maybe Roger Stone has f*cked one rat too many, as people like him often do.

      • theCryptofishist

        Yeah, but isn’t that about -1 rat?
        I WAS TOLD THERE WOULD BE NO MATHS.
        And how many rats has Steve Bannon fucked? Order of magnitude is a close enough answer.

    • schmannity

      Fascinating! Stone says Kushner is intentionally undermining both Bannon and Stone. Is Trump trying to lead a coup against President Bannon?

      • Lamashtar

        The Presidential Reality show has the best twists! I thought Evil Vizier Bannon was trying to get the Arrogant Prince murdered by sending him to a warzone! And now the Many Hatted One is inflicting character assassination! Will they turn the Feebleminded King TinyHands against his son-in-law??

        • ButtercuptheHarelessRabbit

          Tune in tomorrow to “As the Stomach Turns”!

          • ImGoingBacon

            ‘The Edge of Wetness’ libels!

      • sadboy

        Will Roger and Steve ever confess their forbidden love? And what will happen to Ivanka when Jared finds out? Will Burt still believe he’s invisible after the aliens return him to Earth? And will Mary want him back after having spent months with his sex-crazed twin?

        These answers in next week’s ‘Soap’…

        • Ducksworthy

          Ah ha! You have accounted the residual 35% approval. Daytime soaps fans (all of whom are on disability and Medicaid with nothing better to do.)

          • Meccalopolis

            I don’t like this show anymore, turn the channel

        • Toomush_Inferesistance

          Will they ever find a role for Melania?…

        • thixotropic jerk
    • Apple Scruff

      Circular firing squad in full effect.

  • Bill Slider

    But, can he diagram that sentence with all of those goddamned, motherfucking, cocksucking, rim jobing, crack whoring, slit slitting, nipple biting, nose hockeying, testicle bowling, pubic pummeling, key words he appears to French fondle so well?

    • JohnBull

      Sounds like the “R” rated version of Meredith Willson’s “Rock Island.”

  • Bitter Scribe

    This guy always looks like he’s about 20 seconds away from a heart attack.

    • Apple Scruff

      If only looks were so prescient…

    • Lambsendbeds

      IK,R? I still can’t believe he’s only 43.

  • rubikcube

    Cenk Uygur should have pounded these two knobs on live pod for all to enjoy. Would that it were…

  • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

    The ravings of a badly frightened man.Buckle up folks, cornered rats and all that. (For some reason, lots of rat analogies today).

    • Résistance Land Shark Ω

      I would be too if I was being sued over murder and had my sole source of fame & income on the Russian propaganda list.

  • anon_the_great

    Good Lord Alex, xnay onday gaytay. Your Desire is showing.

    • An Outhouse for the Resistance

      and put your shirt back on.

  • Carpe Vagenda
    • ButtercuptheHarelessRabbit

      Eww. Sounds messy.

    • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

      Have they called a plumber? G Gordon Liddy is available.

  • JackLinks

    Here’s what happened to Jones when he was yelled at during the RNC convention last summer!

    “Conservative radio talk show host Alex Jones is rescued by police after protesters shouting ‘Nazi scum’ attack him outside Republican convention!”

    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3698530/Conservative-radio-talk-host-Alex-Jones-rescued-police-protesters-shouting-Nazi-scum-attack-outside-Republican-convention.html

    • Dudleydidwrong

      My guess is that there were some self-identified Nazy scum who were insulted.

  • Longstreet63

    Alex is rather poor at cussing. I wonder what Samuel L. Jackson film he watched to learn how?

  • Nockular cavity

    Boy, tone it down, little Alex. You’re about to reanimate Sigmund Freud, you’re projecting so much repressed desire.

  • An Outhouse for the Resistance

    It appears the investigation into treasonous Russian Bear lovers is getting a little to close for Jones’ comfort.

    • Courser_Resistance

      You’d be a bit techy if you had a bear up your ass, too!

      • Thespian Pony Ron

        Wouldn’t that depend on the context?

    • Dudleydidwrong

      “Methinks he doth protest too much.” Waaaay too much.

      “Heat gettin’ to ya, Alex?”

  • Courser_Resistance

    Thanks Evan, this post has put a smile on my face on this shitty day!

    I’ve been impressed when I’ve heard Adam Schiff speak to Rachel and Chris Hayes, etc. and he seems perfectly articulate, has kind eyes (which explains why Jones seem to think those are cocksucking eyes) and seems like an all-round decent guy. Okay, ‘Adam and Eve’ is just a bit twee for my taste, but I’m assuming there are other, far better reasons for them to fall in love and marry.

    Alex Jones’ head is so far up his ass that he spews bullshit from his mouth regions. Nice trick, that interspecies shit conduit.

    • Jukesgrrl

      I had the same reaction. Never heard of Adam Schiff before this year but now I’m always pleased to see him on my TV

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      I had some trouble with that phrase. Does that mean that Alex Jones wants to suck the cock of someone with such eyes?…

  • kittygrrl

    Alex Jones, suffering from cerebral rectal inversion, is due for rectal surgery whereby his head will be removed from his ass and be recorded as the largest hemorrhoid ever removed.

  • OTB

    Meth Mouth for the win!

  • sgt. jmk of the résistance

    I feel like it would be interesting to spend a week posting “Alex Jones is a little Russian doofus” hourly on his Twitter feed just to see what happens.

    • handyhippie65

      as long as you don’t get blamed for his stroke, sounds like super happy funtimes.

      • theCryptofishist

        Just don’t tweet things designed to provoke an apoplectic fit.

        • Thespian Pony Ron

          Yes. That would be wrong.

      • JustDon’tSayKingLeo

        Pretty sure you can blame that on Rudy’s BBQ and trucker speed.

    • Jukesgrrl

      I would join in, but I fear retaliation from his supporters. They don’t seem like the nicest people on the planet.

      • Keith Taylor

        They do not.

      • sgt. jmk of the résistance

        That’s the only thing holding me back from trying it.

    • JustDon’tSayKingLeo

      Needz moar cussssess

      • Pisto75666

        And moar pizza too, also.

  • Jukesgrrl

    Rush has a sad that he didn’t think to say those werds.

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    Oh please Mr. Jones, cry some more. The delightfulness of your snowflake tears, after years of listening to your President Obama is a Muslim or whatever your lunacy of the day was, brings a certain balance to my life. So please cry some more, nutbag, it makes me laugh.

  • handyhippie65

    i just looked up lollipop chainsaw. now i wish i hadn’t went from a ps2, to a ps4, and skipped a ps3 altogether. that game looked hilarious. a hell of a lot more fun and entertaining than alex is jonesin’ fer a cock to suck.

    • manndan

      Won’t happen. Alex is a bossy bottom.

  • Jukesgrrl

    I hate to admit it but if I hadn’t used a word for 22 years, I would forget it entirely.

  • mailman27

    Such a tuff fucking guy. This bullshit is wearisome.

  • Toomush_Inferesistance

    May I offer to meet Alex Jones on Representative Schiff’s behalf? Not that he needs me. It would still be fun…

  • Kiri the Unicorn

    Speaking of Roger Stone, can someone explain to me why he does cosplay as Oswald Cobblepot?

    http://newscult.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/03/roger-stone1.jpg

    • rubikcube

      Who’s he with, Fish Mooney?

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Danny Devito libelz!

  • Nephilim
  • NotALiar

    I’ll fight alex jones

  • A_Changeling

    Could threatening to beat someone’s goddamn ass be considered a crime in the US? Or calling someone a son of a bitch, a piece of shit, a fucking goddamn fucker, a fuckhead that has fucked the country over and gangraped the shit out of it?

    Also, I first thought that picture of Stone was William S.Burroughs, who of course was not gay at all.

  • wtw5002

    Jiggle-rage was awfully specific. I think he has a little crush on Mr. Schiff. However, as Alex and Roger Stone must repress their biology, they’ll comfort each other by Dutch-ruddering with sandpaper whilst watching hi-def footage of Rush Limbaugh’s neck-rolls.

  • Lefty Wright

    The laddie doth protest too much, methinks.

  • Hardly Ideal

    http://i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/049/787/No-Country-for-Old-Men_Tommy-Lee-Jones_Josh-Brolin_Javier-Bardem_9.jpg

    “I’ve never used cussing in 22 years?” Really now? Pixeltron, roll tape 22-B, the one from 2016.

    “There’s an open border, bitch. There’s goddamn Al Qaeda people being shipped in, you whore. You want me to fuckin’ tell you if I saw somethin’ suspicious?”

    Last I checked, 2016 was not 22 years ago. Or are numbers a conspiracy now, too?

    • Puck

      Yes. See “Arabic Numerals”. So many conspiracys.

    • Little Doll

      Kinda how he never brags.

  • JimB

    Whassa matter Lassie? Is Timmy in trouble?

    – my goto response when my boss went into rages like that.

  • Ωbjectifier

    Roger Stone is not fit to suck the cock of Roy Cohn

    • Lambsendbeds

      You mean now, since he’s dead? He might enjoy that sort of thing. It would be irresponsible not to speculate!

    • BearDeLaOursistance

      I hear Satan took a Schine to him, though.

      • irishdave3

        I see what you did there…

  • rubikcube

    Chestnut Brown = Cocksucker. Everyone knows that.

  • ken_kukec

    I’m thinking Roger Stone is a character escaped from the pages of James Elroy’s Underworld USA Trilogy. Alex Jones might be, too.

  • Moar Wordz

    We’re having a Steampunk Festival in my town & I thought Alex Jones could dress up as a 🔥 air balloon w/ a tinfoil hat. And maybe some hamster wheels on his feet. But instead of hamsters in the wheelz, it would be 🐀’s.

  • thixotropic jerk

    “Also; too: I did never ever evers say the thingy about the pizzagate whatever either at all ever ever too m’kay?”

  • MApispevooooiCaptainHowdy

    I must say, Roger Stone does look very much like a fairy tinkerbell-lookin’ basic queen Archetypal Cocksucker. Clearly Alex is trying to distract and deflect for some reason.
    It will be amusing when they have to say President Schiff in 4 years.

    • irishdave3

      Well Stone’s original gig was with the Rat Fucking crowd of the of the 1st Dick and Milhous never question anyone’s Patriotism and “detente” this Frenchie! Or as the Brits say Roger that!

  • Jay B.

    Alex Jones? You mean that Cocksucking Russian Cocksucker? Why, he’s never met a Russian whose cock he wouldn’t gladly suck. Biggest Russian cocksucker who’s ever sucked cock. Heavens to Ivan, he’s a total whore for Bear.

    • BearDeLaOursistance

      Trust me, the devotion is unrequited.

    • ImGoingBacon

      I read it on the intertubes, so it must be true.

  • Daniel Nee

    I realy want to just follow Alex Jhons around all day. In a clown mask or Maby a turban

    • I wanna follow him about and count at him.
      See if Douglas Adams was right.

    • BearDeLaOursistance

      I want to follow him around dressed as a mime. Because that’s French and gay.

  • Begin Anew Day

    Have you ever noticed that the air is grainy and dark around Alex.

    Those would be his minions, the flies of hades.

    • Swampgas_Man

      Beezlebubblehead?

    • Keith Taylor

      I hadn’t thought about that before. But yes they would be. Ever read Jane Rice’s scary story, “The Idol of the Flies”, which features what must surely be the most evil kid in fiction? Maybe Pruitt didn’t really die and grew up to be Alex Jones.

    • irishdave3

      attracted by the odor of his shit I expert guest…

  • Goposaur

    I’m 50 years old, and appreciate Jones making me look younger than him. Or saner. Or less of a douche.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      As an 81-year-old I fully agree with you. Alex Jones is a genius. Or a genie. Or just a negative number in the world of knowledge.

  • Pamdrodriguez

    Google is paying $97 per hour! Work for few hours & have longer with friends and family! !ft294c:
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  • ANNG14

    “I’ve never been in a campaign where the other side’s patriotism was questioned.”
    Really Stoner? You RWers have questioned Democrats patriotism millions of times and didn’t you know that “the campaign” is supposed to be over?

    “22 years I’ve been on the air and have never cussed.”
    Really Alex? I didn’t even know that you knew anything but cuss words.

    Oh that’s right, you both are talking to those people who have the word sucker tattooed on their foreheads.

    • mtn_socialist

      His whole show is an obscenity.

      • ANNG14

        I know every time I have heard him (Alex Jones) he is really angry and acts deranged. I would guess roid rage.

        • Mike Adams

          I’m completely amazed Donald Trump hasn’t appointed Alex Jones as a cabinet member yet. Apparently he just hasn’t gotten around to it yet.

          • ANNG14

            Create a Propaganda minister cabinet position.

          • Mike Adams

            Crackpot Theory Czar

          • ANNG14

            Trump decided to fill that position himself.

  • Relativicus

    Wait. A. Second.

    23 cusses in 22 years?

    23 Nobel Laureates in 22 years?

    Coincidence?

  • Keith Taylor

    Alex Jones is a ranting unstable foul-mouthed prat who lies constantly, and for all his tough talk could most probably not fight his way out of a wet paper bag. One word of this come as news to anybody? Even fake news? Thought not.

  • BrianW

    “Archetypical Cocksuckers” would be a GREAT name for a Butthole Surfers tribute band, though.

    • irishdave3

      But, but Alex has the very fashionable Illuminati Foil hat now my friend…

      • BrianW

        Illuminati Foil is another great band name. Or, it could be the lead singer for the Cocksuckers.

  • William

    Alex Jones simply exists to make Glenn Beck seem normal by comparison. His shtick works on the aluminum foil hat crowd who subscribes to every manner of area 51 conspiracy between bites of little Debbie snack cakes and hot pockets. http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view8/4595407/alex-jones-o.gif

  • 3FingerPete

    Jones and Stone. Just a couple of alpha males who know a guy gay when they see one.

  • davej1s

    I didn’t click the link…I am not giving A. J. the satisfaction that he has reached me. I have seen nothing of value from the man ever and I am not about to continue searching his tiny little mind for something of value. I can do better than Alex Jones.

  • Foocatchoo

    That group of costumed men look like nice guys to hang out with when you’re feeling down. They seem like they’d be there to pick ANY guy up off the ground; especially if he’s in a new town! He wouldn’t need to be unhappy, he could find a place to go when he’s short on his dough and find many ways to have a good time, things for him to enjoy, while he hangs out with all the boys. He could get himself clean, have a good meal, and do whatever he feels.

    Now, where might THAT place be? I’ll bet ALEX knows!

    • mtn_socialist

      As an alternative, he could sail the seven seas …

  • I’m sure someone else has already made this point, but I take issue with Evan’s last line:

    “Our bad, Alex Jones was right the whole time, said nobody ever, THE END.”

    At least ONE person has said that, and it’s the current part-time occupant of the White House.

    • OppressedMass

      Oooooh, “part-time occupant of the White House” — sick burn. Nice.

      • irishdave3

        Nice place to visit, but I wouldn’t want to live there

    • MOG253

      Part time is right, WH AirBNB!!!

  • Spurning Beer

    Hey, Alex. My eyes are up here.

  • irishdave3

    These are not the archteypal cocksuckers you are looking for so move along Alex and may your Bullhorn be with you.

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