Morning Wonketariate! Here’s some of the things we may be talking about today.
- HOLY SMOKING GUNS! Conservatives are losing their fucking minds this morning, throwing embarrassing teevee temper tantrums and screaming about Benghzai murder mail after finding out former Obama NSC advisor Susan Rice ordered the “unmasking” of Trump surrogates which would be a scandal if she wasn’t Barack Obama’s fucking national security advisor and Trump’s campaign wasn’t already being investigated by at least one federal agency for colluding with a foreign government before and after the election (AKA: treason).
- Betsy DeVos’ brother/Blackwater founder/GOP mega-donor Erik Prince flew to the rich and remote-as-fuck island nation of Seychelles to meet with high ranking UAE and Russian officials before the inauguration, serving as an unofficial Trump surrogate to discuss seekrit policy objectives, like easing Russian sanctions. And they would have gotten away with it too if it weren’t for you meddling kids!
- Trump campaign foreign policy adviser Carter Page has admitted he worked with Russian spies after the Russians realized he was A Idiot. [MANDATORY Morning Maddow]
- A Russian spy convicted of being a Russian spy, who used to pal around with Jared Kushner, has coincidentally been released for good behavior. YUP!
- Jeff Sessions’s Justice Department is reconsidering all the mean things the Obama administration said about cops in major cities like Chicago and Baltimore because that hurt the delicate feelings of cops who are actually.fucking.racists!
- The fallout over Fox News’ Grab-Ass Games is getting worse now that Roger Ailes is facing ANOTHER sexual harassment suit, while Bill O’Reilly is losing advertisers who worry about being linked to O’Reilly. It’s good for business to advertise with a tremendous loud-mouthed asshole, but bad for business when he’s also a gross old pervert.
- Former Sen. Kelly Ayotte has been elected to the same seat on the News Corp. board of directors that used to belong to Elaine Chao. You certainly can’t accuse Fox of not keeping it in the family.
- Trump’s British most-definitely-not-a-Hungarian-Nazi advisor on ultra-conservative/militant Islam, Sebastian Gorka, pulled himself out of his wall of conspiracy theories to talk about his bag of jihadi tricks, like bombing the Middle East with leather-bound copies of the Federalist Papers.
- Mike Pence is working with the House Freedom crazies to kill healthcare; their two points are giving states the option to kill essential health benefits and the community rating, which would (in essence) let insurance companies tell cancer patients to go throw their sickly asses off a hospital roof.
- The Senate will debate Neil Gorsuch’s Supreme Court nomination later today, and Democrats have secured enough votes to filibuster the vote.
- Trump’s White House seems to be throwing EPA head Scott Pruitt under the the bus after Chris Wallace eviscerated Pruitt (LITERALLY!) on happy funtime Fox teevee, but we’re not holding our breath.
- Boy, it sure SEEMS like Tom Price engineered laws to aid his stock purchases of pharmaceutical companies while he was in congress, which would be stupid amounts of illegal, but we’re absolutely confident that it’s just a clerical error and he misplaced a couple of zeros.
- Some smarmy little shit spent the election trashing Trump in an English-language Arab newspaper, but then he applied for a gig at whatever the hell is left of the State Department and he suddenly changed his tune; that’s when his editors decided to teach the little shit a lesson in whitewashing.
- A new Trump hire at the Small Business Administration’s Office of Advocacy has admitted to signing up for Ashley Madison, a scam version of Tinder/Grindr for married guys, for totally legal opposition research…and DEFINITELY not for hookers. Amazingly, it’s not a member of the Duggar family.
- And here’s your late night wrap-up! Seth Meyers took A Closer Look at all the people looking at Trump & Co.; and had an awkward talk with a Breitbart spokesperson; Colbert wondered if Jared needs a hand; Jimmy Kimmel knows why Trump sent Jared to Iraq, and hopes hackers help him manage his email; and Trevor Noah pointed out the extreme irony of Trump honoring Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention month.
- And here’s your morning Nice Time! PIKAS! (No, not Pikachu!) Heck, we’ve even got BONUS nice times today just in case you need it.
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