Morning Wonketariat! On the advice of legal counsel, under conditions of immunity from Russian Interwebs hate machine robots, we can neither confirm, NOR DENY, that we will be talking about the following things at some time in the near future:
- Not one, not two, but THREE senior White House officials gave House Intel Chair Devin Nunes evidence that people Trump’s campaign staff were overheard in surveillance sweeps involving foreign nationals. RUH-ROH, did somebody lie?
- Is Mike Flynn is trying to one-up Ollie North? Flynn is willing to testify before the congressional intel committees, and the FBI, for immunity. LOL, I’m not a legal expert like Five Dollar Feminist, but I’m not sure it doesn’t work that way! [Archive]
- Red State Democratic Senators Joe Manchin and Heidi Heitkamp will back Neil Gorsuch, surprising nobody, and Senator Claire McCaskill is still undecided. Meanwhile, Chuck Schumer is vowing to filibuster Gorsuch seeing as how it’s really Merrick Garland’s seat.
- Trump is starting a war with the tea party crazies and we would love to pour gallons of gasoline on that dumpster fire.
- South Carolina Rep. Mark Sanford says he was threatened by Trump’s White House via Mick Mulvaney that Sanford’s vote against TrumpCare/RyanCare will force Trump’s White House to run a primary challenger against him in 2018. Boy, it sure is hard to pick a horse in that race!
- Employees at the State Department recently reported sightings of a rare Rex Tillerson roaming the barren caverns of Foggy Bottom, however experts caution that one is NEVER to make eye contact with the beast!
- G7 members are worried that a forthcoming meeting will be a disaster since the State Department is running a skeleton crew and the rest of the world doesn’t know how to deal with a increasingly detached and disinterested U.S.
- During the Senate intel committee’s Russia hearings yesterday, Marco Rubio announced he was the victim of an attempted hack AGAIN, but they must have backed off after they found Marco’s spine was more of a “shower,” not a “grower.”
- North Carolina Gov. Roy Cooper signed a law repealing HB2, the potty law that wouldn’t let trans people poo in the loo they choose, but the new law is pretty shitty too, and it’s unclear whether or not businesses and sportsball will cry foul.
- Betsy DeVos wants to cut school funding in favor of “school choice,” the fantasy rich, sheltered WASP-y people believe is the panacea for decades of neglect of public school systems in Nowheresville and inner cities.
- Jon Ossoff might actually take Tom Price’s old seat in the House, and that has Republicans in Georgia setting large bundles of cash on fire. Help out this handsome fella’!
- The Tortilla Curtain might not be made with American products since the U.S. can’t violate existing trade agreements with its Not American partners. WHOOPS!
- Federal workers, Steve Mnuchin, and Democrats are confused why the hell Trump would want to amputate the IRS budget while he’s trying to waste billions of Ameros we don’t have.
- An awful musician who tried to kill punk rock has been making a hilarious stink about space aliens. Where is your God now?
- And here’s your late night wrap-up! Seth Meyers took A Closer Look at how your ISP will connect you with sexy singles in your area; Trevor Noah tried to ‘splainer as much as possible our political castro-fuck; Colbert spilled the beans on some Presidential Leak-crets; James Cordon had some suggestions for the DOE on inoffensive words to describe climate change.
- And here’s your morning Nice Time! Humboldt Penguin chicks!
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