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Morning Wonketariat! Here’s some of the things we may be talking about today.

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  • Nounverb911
  • Nounverb911
    • Doug Langley

      That teapot gets EVERYWHERE.

  • memzilla Ω
  • memzilla Ω
  • memzilla Ω
    • Besides the left getting woke, the return of Boris and Natasha are the only good things to come of Trump.

  • memzilla Ω
    • Lascauxcaveman

      We’re gonna need a bigger python…

  • Nounverb911
  • elviouslyqueer

    Is there a Treasonous Mike Huckabee reason why Treasonous Mike Huckabee hasn’t been Treasonous Mike Huckabee shipped off to some Treasonous Mike Huckabee Iranian prison to serve out the Treasonous Mike Huckabee rest of his miserable, pathetic, Treasonous Mike Huckabee life?

    Asking for a Treasonous Mike Huckabee friend, is all.

  • memzilla Ω
    • Crystalclear12

      NOT funny ’cause it’s probably true.

  • Riley Whodat Venable

    Ivanka was made an employee so they Executive Privilege will keep her from testifying. Besides, you didn’t think she was going to let Jared hang out with her dad unsupervised did you? We know what her dad is like.

    • Rick Hill

      But taking money violates nepotism laws(written because of the Kennedys?)

      • Riley Whodat Venable

        From what I read, she won’t take any money. Now, if she uses her government office for her clothing business she may be in trouble.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Wives can’t be forced to testify against their hubby.

  • Rick Hill
  • baconzgood

    Off Topic.

    Baconz is in “alternative” housing for some stupid crap. Here is a guy in here with me. I want to wrap a chair around his head every time I see him.

    http://www.wtae.com/article/former-inmate-talks-about-alleged-relationship-with-allegheny-county-jail-guard/7476787

    • Martini Ambassador 🍸

      Behave! Sean wants to see you out of there, as do we all.

      I know the feeling, though. Believe me.

      • baconzgood

        Sean?

        • Shanzgood

          (Me)

          • baconzgood

            Oh you? i like you. I bet you smell like freshly cut grass and the tire store.

          • Shanzgood

            I suppose I could…

          • baconzgood
          • Shanzgood

            I’m gonna send you a James Taylor mix tape if you don’t behave.

          • baconzgood

            I’m alowed to flirt with my woman.

          • Shanzgood

            Of course. I’m just pointing out that the results might vary.

        • Martini Ambassador 🍸

          Ha, I can’t spell for shit. I mean Shan, lovely lady and top Baconz cheerleader.

          • baconzgood

            Yeah. I’ll kill her last.

          • Martini Ambassador 🍸

            Aww!

          • Shanzgood

            Isn’t he so sweet and considerate?

          • Lascauxcaveman

            Umm… I think he just wants to keep you around so you can watch him butcher everyone else.

          • Shanzgood

            Like I said! So sweet to let me watch!

    • memzilla Ω

      Is this like the 3/4 housing in NY where they pack 40 people into a house with 35 HPD and DOB violations and the landlord makes people attend fake drug treatment programs that he gets a Medicare kickback from?

      • baconzgood

        Only this is run by the GoodWill

        • Undocumented Skwerl!

          I looked at photos. Place looks awful.

    • Oblios_Cap

      He seems nice…

      • baconzgood

        He has no remose for what he did either. and here is the punch line…..

        HE’S STILL FUCKING MARRIED!!!!!

        • Oblios_Cap

          His wife needs to wake up.

          • baconzgood

            Imagine that dinner table….WOAH!

    • Shanzgood

      Break all his pens.

      • baconzgood

        You spelt “PENIS” wrong.

        • Shanzgood

          Your bad habits are rubbing off on me.

    • NastyBossetti

      That article’s repeated use of the euphemism “be intimate with” really bugs. Does that really apply to a situation where someone abused their position of power over vulnerable people to coerce them into sex?

      • Shanzgood

        They referred to it as “institutional sex assault” at one point. Why all these ridiculous euphemisms for rape?

        • NastyBossetti

          I missed that one. At least it has a negative connotation!

        • C4TWOMAN

          I didn’t read the article-don’t have time, need to go to gym NOW–but are the victims male? The rape euphemisms go into over drive if the victims are male, because I guess male dignity must be protected at all costs, but females being raped is “just natural”.

          That’s what I thought of first.

          Okay, later-bye!

          • Shanzgood

            They were female. I think they euphemized the hell out of it so he could get a non-sentence.

          • C4TWOMAN

            Ah. Typical sleazebag move.

      • baconzgood

        He got off with a slap on the wrist. 12months in a half way house. He should be doing 10-15 upstate.

  • Martini Ambassador 🍸

    The “healthcare” bill, what a fiasco. I’m hoping Obamacare covers all of the butthurt:

    Trump threatens to ‘fight’ Freedom Caucus in midterms

    and…

    Ryan breaks with Trump on healthcare: No Dems

    • HA! If you guys need me, I’ll be over in the corner schadening my freude

    • The Wanderer

      Hopefully they’ll be too busy fighting each other to cause further harm to the country.

  • Bill D. Burger
  • Bill D. Burger
  • Bill D. Burger
    • The Wanderer

      No, make Devin a bull. Try milking one of those and you’ll have a friend for life.

  • Crystalclear12

    I think the Trump administration is starting to realize a lot of things are complicated. Who knew?

    HRC knew.

  • Thiazin Red

    I am 100% certain that Ivanka being unpaid and Trump not taking a salary is total bullshit.

    • Nounverb911

      Now she can fly on taxpayer airlines….

    • The Wanderer

      He’s taking his salary, don’t let anyone say otherwise.

      • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

        plus Mar-a-lago tax payer bookings, Trump Tower secret service leases, etc.

      • PubOption

        Wasn’t he supposed to be consulting about where to donate it? Is the Trump Foundation still going?

        • The Wanderer

          He knows where to donate it – straight into his bank account. And his other savings account (Trump Foundation) is, I believe, still active.

          • folderol

            No, no! He’s giving it all to charity… he said so! Why is it you libtards can’t believe a single word he said?? He keeps ALL his promises, unlike Obummer.

            I can see I’m going to have to troll this place on behalf of true-blooded patriotic god-fearing Americans everywhere. Who’s with me?

          • folderol

            Trolling for Trolls™

          • “M”

            LOL. Don’t forget the deduction he’s taking, which brings the amount you say he’s (not) taking up to about $500,000?

    • Bebecca

      I thought I read that she had decided to become a government employee.

      • YoBunnyBunny

        Sales must be down for her imported cheap-trick “fashion” house.

  • Anna Elizabeth, Tifosi Suprema

    To Hell with GOPers in NC, and everywhere else.

    I figure I’m already dead, so Ima have fun ’til the end, Die Well when the haters come for me, and Y’all will know that they could kill me, but hey couldn’t defeat me.

    Makeup time! :D

    • Martini Ambassador 🍸

      Makeup time is one of my favorite times too. What gal can’t use a little sparkle in her life?

  • Nounverb911
  • The Wanderer

    Trump’s first overseas trip as President is coming up. Bets on whether he’s almost afraid to leave for fear that there’ll be a palace coup in DC while he’s away?

    • Bill D. Burger

      Melania will come out of her Golden Lair at Trump Tower and personally guard the WH while Drumpf is abroad embarrassing this country and destroying any residual good the world feels for us.

      http://staging.snopes.com/app/uploads/2016/05/melania.jpg

      • janecita

        That’s one unflattering picture.

        • Bill D. Burger

          Yup! She looks like rough trade.

          • janecita

            “Supermodel” my ass!

          • YoBunnyBunny

            I don’t think she every reached the pinnacle of “super”. That would put her among the Cindy’s, Claudia’s, Naomi’s, and Iman’s, etc… Supermodel, she was not.

          • janecita

            Of course not! At best, she was a glamour model. I never heard of the woman until she married Trump.

      • The Wanderer

        Too skinny for my taste. I like a more Rubenesque figure, as my ex-wife will readily attest.

      • Cover of the latest issue of PLAYCOMRADE?

      • C4TWOMAN

        From Slovenia, With Love

      • Maclare

        I’m distracted by the heel of her boot.

        WTF is that? Is that a boot-sandal?

    • From Russia with Love

      If that doesn’t scare him, maybe it’s some palace staircase that does.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Bannon is ready.

    • Red Bird Ω

      Or maybe arrest on foreign soil?

  • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

    “climate change” ban

    Perhaps if DOE staff called it “radical islamic terror” they could get Little Donnie to spend a couple trillion Ameros to fight it.

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      Radical helio-terror, perhaps?

    • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

      maybe if they think it will turn white folks brown?

  • Nounverb911

    Oh and Huckleberry opened this can of worms too, also.
    https://twitter.com/yashar/status/847147872340656132

    • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

      Mike never wore a uniform. Graham did.

    • janecita

      Lindsey Graham puts on a very fabulous uniform!

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      Despite repeated rejection by voters, this asshole still hasn’t figured out that nobody cares what he thinks.

      • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

        because fox keeps paying him, and chumps buy his books

      • Oblios_Cap

        Does he poll over 1%?

    • Panika MCD

      he puts on whatever uniform goes best with his shoes! (incidentally, his shoe are those which will always hide the stains from spilling mint julep on them.)

      • From Russia with Love

        At least he’s worn a uniform…

        • The Wanderer

          I were about to say that. At least Graham has actually served in the military, unlike the ChickenHawkabees.

          • From Russia with Love

            In the Air Force we called guys like him Shoe Clerks. Either you flew airplanes or…

    • jodyleek

      Oh Cletus, I’d like to be there to watch Aunt Pitty Pat slap the ham biscuit right out your mouth!

  • OddMan

    They really have a belief in magic words over on the GOP side.
    If you say the magic words “radical Islamic terrorist” they will magically go away.
    If you never say the words “climate change” or “emissions reductions” then you never have to worry about them.
    That is some damn fine delusional thinking there, that will hurt us all.

  • Werewolf

    Samantha Bee also showed some Nice Time from the Jawja lege.

  • Panika MCD

    in the case of Ivanka “advising” Jared, wouldn’t a windowless office be a benefit? (let’s just hope she doesn’t advise her daddy the same way.)

    • Oblios_Cap

      I’ll bet there will be no stairs between her office and Daddy’s.

  • Oblios_Cap

    The House is going to try and take another stab at TrumpCare/RyanCare

    They’ll never be able to balance the horribleness that the crazies want with the tempering that the rest of the GOP wants.

    • God Emperor Emeritus

      But Trump said they were going to go to the black caucus and make some comically inept bribes/threats deals. You can’t stop a foolproof plan like that.

      • The Wanderer

        I believe that the most (if not all) of the Congressional Black Caucus are Democrats. This should be amusing, for a given value of ‘amusing.’

    • bupkus23

      “Tempering”? How about “absolute lack of empathy, but still concerned about their careers”?

  • freakishlypersistent

    The man in charge of our nukes was a contestant on “Dancing with the Stars”. Think about that for a minute and then start day drinking.

    • jodyleek

      Start day drinking? That implies I stopped.

    • Bill D. Burger

      And he had absolutely no idea that the DOE was in charge of them.

      ~where’s that bottle?~

    • The Wanderer

      Think about the fact that the individual who has the actual nuclear release authority is a demented old man with possible urophilia and who has never served a day in the military or the government, and start the night drinking to go along with the day drinking.

    • bupkus23

      Waaay too restrictive advice.

  • You probably haven’t noticed it, but the U.S. is dramatically increasing its military presence in several Middle Eastern countries. There’s no jokes here, you need to be aware.

    I don’t know. How about this one?

    How many Yemenis does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    Trick question. All the Yemenis starved to death thanks to the Saudi-led, US backed blockade and bombing campaign.

  • anwisok

    “Sean Spicer is doing a phenomenal job as press secretary,”

    In fairness to Spicy Sphincter: Fuck That Guy.

  • Oblios_Cap

    but the U.S. is dramatically increasing its military presence in several Middle Eastern countries.

    There’s no way this doesn’t end well. With the Cold War over, we have to have somebody to scare the populace with; now it’s the scary brown terrorists that we intend to keep helping recruit.

    • Martini Ambassador 🍸

      And our so-called “leader” is pissing all over any allies that might be inclined to assist. Sure, this will turn out just fine.

    • bupkus23

      Wait ’til they combine this with our Cold War bugaboo – scary brown Communist terrorists!

      Oh wait – The Reagan admin did that 40 years ago….

    • Suttree

      As a resident of New Jersey who travels into NYC every weekend, I have no fear of terrorists. I would really like to toilet paper some asshole’s house in Podunk, Nebraska right now.

  • Crystalclear12

    I think Ryan has decided him and Nunes need a little distance from each other. Maybe see other people?

    http://www.rawstory.com/2017/03/paul-ryan-i-never-told-nunes-to-brief-trump-on-surveillance-documents-obtained-from-whistleblower-type/

    LET THE CYA GAMES BEGIN!

    • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

      But Ryan has full confidence in Nutsus to run the House investigation. Ryan is gearing up to use the investigations as distraction for a new push to pass the ACHA.

      • Crystalclear12

        I don’t know. “Full confidence” is usually what one politician has in another right before they end up under a bus.

        It’s like mean girl talk.

      • Suttree

        He doesn’t give a fuck about that. Tax cuts for the rich is all that he cares about.

        • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

          Yep. And they can’t have them without the tax savings in the ACHA. From what I read at Vox, they will use the ACHA and the billions they save from people dying so they can afford the tax cuts for 1% they have in the new budget.

    • bupkus23

      Hey – isn’t the name Nunes of Hispanic extraction? Maybe he’s a Messican mole!

      • Antonin Dvorak

        He is Portuguese. His family emigrated from the Azores.

        • bupkus23

          Okay, he may be a sleeper toupeira…

        • C4TWOMAN

          Mexico, Portugal…it’s so easy to confuse those two.

  • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨
    • The Wanderer

      Trump will, naturally, claim it is all lies.

      • YoBunnyBunny

        “FAKE NEWS!!!1!11111!!”

        What irony…

        • Ill-Advised

          Projection. Again.

          I’m absolutely convinced the fastest accuser is the guilty accuser, followed closely by the envious observer (“wish I could get away with that”).

      • Hardly Ideal

        And we, naturally, will not give a single precious fuck what they have to say.

    • Suttree

      I do not look amused about this information.

  • Nounverb911
    • bupkus23

      As one who has decided this is my favorite way of referring to the orange one’s name, I approve this GIF!!

  • Bill D. Burger
    • Tiny kaiju

      Ironically, a lot of that shit they are cleaning up is their own handiwork.

  • Nounverb911

    Sorry pootie, he correct answer is George the First.
    https://twitter.com/BraddJaffy/status/847418964464459781

    • Oblios_Cap

      Nyet, Komrade!

  • memzilla Ω
    • Bill D. Burger

      Unintended consequences. And Max has the $$$$ to do it.

      https://twitter.com/MaxTemkin/status/846437803164684290

    • OddMan

      I am looking at setting up a VPN, or Virtual Private Network. I just learned about them. It is a way to make all your internet traffic impossible to read. Also a pain to set one up for an old fart.

      • memzilla Ω

        Choose a VPN provider. I’ve used privateinternetaccess dot com for a year and have no complaints. Reasonable cost, $36 a year, and unlike many other VPNs, they do not slow my browsing. http://www.pcmag.com/article2/0,2817,2403388,00.asp

        • OddMan

          Thanks I was hoping some smart person had set one up and had a suggestion on who to go with for a VPN provider, I’ll check them out.

  • Chadwells

    Anyone ever get the full Boris Epshteyn story and why he was pushed out? I mean, other than the obvious reasons. For some reason, to me…seems like there is something to that story.

    • I haven’t seen anything, but I agree, and I’m watching.

      I’m ALWAYS watching…

      • bupkus23

        I’ve heard of Big Brother, but Big Wonker???

        • C4TWOMAN

          Well, it is a blog for Dick Jokes.

          I’ll let myself out…..

      • Chadwells

        My man!!! 👍

    • Truck Fump

      Why are there so many songs about Russia and what’s on the other side?
      Russia’s a vision, but only illusion, and Russia’s no reason to lie.
      So we’ve been told and some choose to believe it.
      I know they’re wrong wait and see.
      Someday we’ll find it, the Russia connection.
      The lib’rals, the Trumpsters and me.

    • The Wanderer

      Wasn’t Epshteyn suspected of being a child molester? That could be a reason for his ouster – he got caught in the WH.

      • God Emperor Emeritus

        I honestly do not believe that being caught in the act with a 13 yo on WH grounds would be sufficient grounds for dismissal from Team Dampnut.

        More likely that he talked to a reporter, as far as I’m concerned.

        • C4TWOMAN

          Depends if it was a boy or a girl.
          If it was a boy-OMG what a travesty of morality! the Gaymosexual agenda is taking over everywhere!!11!11!

          If its a girl–oh that’s just normal.
          /sarc

      • Chadwells

        I don’t think so…but I like it. Let’s stick to that story!!! Or were you joking?!

        • The Wanderer

          No, I don’t joke about pederasty.

          • Chadwells

            As no one should.

      • Penny Dreadful Says Resist

        Different guy, Epstein I think. Edit: Jeff Epstein. Highly Googleable.

        • mardam422

          Juan Epstein?

    • Bill D. Burger

      Not the full story, but a good read on the speculations as to why he was suddenly jettisoned.
      Excerpt: [P]ieces fell into place to strongly suggest that Michael Flynn may have cut a deal with the FBI against Donald Trump. And now that it suddenly appears Flynn may imminently reveal everything about the Trump-Russia scandal, the Donald Trump White House has suddenly pushed Boris Epshteyn into resigning (link: CNN). That’s not coincidence; Boris was likely a major player in the scandal. Look for another shoe to drop on this imminently.]

      https://grondamorin.com/2017/03/27/why-is-boris-epshteyn-suddenly-resigning-from-position-with-the-wh/

      • Chadwells

        Yes!! I forgot about the Flynn angle!!! Now it all comes together.

      • Notreelyhelping

        There’s also suspicion that he maybe be the “E” who pops up, Zeliglike, in the Steele dossier.

  • Suttree

    Making three different doctors appointments is a pain in the ass. I’m waiting on two call-backs right now. BUT, I am so happy that I can actually make these appointments! Thanks Obama!

  • YoBunnyBunny

    Awwwwww!!!!! The otters have such cute stubby wubby widdle arms!!!!

  • C4TWOMAN

    ” THE DOSSIER” will the the title of the inevitable made-for-TV film of the Rise and Fall of the Trumple Rieche.

    • Mavenmaven

      There’s that one reenactment scene I’d be eager to see.

      • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

        Wee shall see whether it flows with the story.

        • Ill-Advised

          You’re in luck, but it’s sterile humor.

      • C4TWOMAN

        Who will play the Pee Hookers? Inquiring minds want to know!

    • gamera23

      Johnny Depp to star in TV miniseries

    • phoenix00

      Or you can just watch SNL

  • OneYieldRegular

    The House is going to try and take another stab at TrumpCare/RyanCare, but they’re not talking about what will be in it

    Well I’m sure it’ll be just great since they had seven whole years to work on a plan and then threw one together the night before their term paper was due, and it was so excellent that their own ruling party and its bully pulpit bully President couldn’t get it passed.

    So what’s in the new one? Health care voucher vending machines in hospital lobbies?

    • That used to work well at airports, so what the hey?

    • Ducksworthy

      I like the coin operated CT Scanners.

      • DrBigHead

        How about the x-ray machines they used to have at the Buster Brown shoe stores? An entire generation of us had our nads exposed to multiple bursts of radiation. That may explain the millennials (speaking as someone who has tried to raise a couple of them).

      • Ill-Advised

        The committee determined that frequent-flier miles for scheduling multiple medical appointments were more popular than bulk pricing on exploratory tests, although medical equipment manufacturing lobbyists were still working on a subsidy package to sweeten the deal.

  • Ron the Baptist

    Our Dominic wrote:

    “Sean Spicer is doing a phenomenal job as press secretary,” is what you would say if you, like Sean Spicer, didn’t know the meaning of the word “phenomenal.”

    I disagree. It can mean ‘perceptible by the senses or through immediate experience’ and I would argue that his press conferences are indeed perceptible. Otherwise they wouldn’t be so painful to watch.

    • touche…

      • puredog

        Tushy? Are we descending to name-calling here?

    • Mavenmaven

      I’m bracketing my response. (Husserl joke).

    • Bub, Zombie of the Resistance

      The briefings are, indeed, perceptible. Evidence of intelligence or useful information deriving from them is imperceptible however. Which is an interesting phenomenon.

    • Me not sure

      I for one agree with you phenomenal analysis.

    • Me not sure

      I for one agree with your phenomenal analysis.

  • writersbloc

    On the Millian thing… I’m sadly on the side of “full of shit fanboy.” But I hope I’m wrong.

  • Mavenmaven

    “At the meeting, senior officials told staff the words would cause a “visceral reaction” with Energy Secretary Rick Perry…”
    Apparently all these Republicans poop their pants all the time?

    • mardam422

      I mean, you saw how angry “Smart glasses” got when the gay guy won the student body president election. You can imagine how out of control he gets when he hears “climate change”.

  • Bub, Zombie of the Resistance

    I don’t seem to recall that fat fuck Hucksterbee, or any other hypocritical Rethug for that matter, having an issue with government employees leaking information if it was detrimental to Democratic politicians.

  • eyelashviper

    OK, here is the latest alert system, so keep this chart handy for incoming tweetstorms..

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/8f3133b4b2947c646210444d82ab55d08f02f2ec7ed2a71a754b715e49036579.png

    • Scrofula

      You gotta include the 20 minutes he takes to write a tweet, so 4 per hour is about the max.

  • AJ Milne

    WH officials gave Nunes the reports, news popping up.

  • guppy06

    Sean Spicer, didn’t know the meaning of the word “phenomenal.”

    Phenomenal!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GDmCIT73Hgk&t=17

  • Tio_Doidinho

    If you look at Spiceboy’s job performance strictly from a comic perspective, then yes. “Phenomenal” is a word we can all agree on.

  • whitroth

    You don’t have a story on this morning’s tweets! Oh, frabjous day… Trumpolini declares war on the neoConfederate “Freedom Caucus”!!! Urging other Reptilians to run against them!

    • sgt. jmk of the résistance

      This will surely end well.

  • Karen Marie

    I had to watch the otters twice to get the filth off me from reading the other stories, and I still feel dirty.

  • Tiny kaiju

    Otters clean their teeth by flapping their cheeks? How adorable and practical is that?

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