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So, how’s that wall working out? Did Mexico reimburse us yet, or do we have to submit our receipts through payroll? A 2,000-mile construction project is totes NBD, right?

LOLOLOLOL we are to kid!

As with literally every single thing Donald Trump said during the campaign, this is an absolute bullshit oversimplification of a really complex issue.

‘We’re gonna come up with a new plan that’s going to be better health care for more people at a lesser cost’ – DJT, 1/25/17

So, for reals, where are we on this border wall?

Well, we do have AN EXECUTIVE ORDER!! It has eleventy million words, which mostly add up to:

  1. Terrorists and drugs come across from Mexico, time to panic!
  2. We need a “contiguous, physical wall or other similarly secure, contiguous, and impassable physical barrier,” and we need it now.
  3. Commence Deport-o-Rama.
  4. Build more detention facilities for illegals.
  5. Tally up how much money we spent on Mexican aid for the past five years, issue veiled threats.
  6. Co-opt local law enforcement to participate in mass deportation.
  7. Do A STUDY.

Don’t we all feel safer now?

Also the government put out a request for proposals, specifying that the structure should be 18-30 feet high, extend 6 feet under ground, and be pretty to look at from the US side. The Mexico side should be covered with middle finger emojis, PROBABLY.

As long as we’re already in fantasyland…

Other than that, we seem to be entering a period of adjustment. Specifically, it’s time to lower expectations on all the bullshit promises made to the rubes during the campaign. For instance, yesterday Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke told the Public Lands Council

The border is complicated, as far as building a physical wall. The Rio Grande, what side of the river are you going to put the wall? We’re not going to put it on our side and cede the river to Mexico. And we’re probably not going to put it in the middle of the river.

And then the internet pointed and laughed because hahahahaha, Ryan Zinke is maybe suggesting that the wall will be on the other side of the Rio Grande, in Mexico. Here’s Chuck Schumer’s spokesman, getting in one of the first digs.

It sure does look like Ryan Zinke HAZ A DUM about geography. But I’m betting he actually knows where the Rio Grande is, and the guy is twisting himself into a pretzel trying to pretend that his boss’s idiotic EO isn’t a total fantasy.

“I don’t know how that would work,” said Sen. John Cornyn of Texas, the No. 2 Republican in the Senate. Like most Texas officials in both parties, he opposes a full-length border wall as wasteful. “When I hear the president talk about a wall, to me I think he’s speaking metaphorically.”

So even though the Executive Order specifically calls for a GRRRRRR!!! WALL, that’s probably a metaphor for motion sensors or drones. Or Robots!

Trump’s first funding request for the wall is probably a metaphor, too. With a looming budget impasse that threatens to shut down the government, Trump is asking that Congress allocate $6 billion to border security. Even before the healthcare debacle, Republicans were in no mood to play along with Trump’s moronic campaign promises.

Many Republicans aren’t very enthusiastic about the plan and say the White House has given them few specifics.

Republican Sen. Roy Blunt of Missouri, a key budget negotiator, said the Senate is unlikely to include money for a border wall in a broader spending package to avert a partial government shutdown next month.

Of that requested $6 billion, nearly $1 billion would go to building just 48 miles of new wall. Maybe you know geography and can also do math good, unlike Ryan Zinke. In case you’re not, that works out to $21 million per mile. If the unfenced portion of the border is currently 1,350 miles, construction costs alone for the wall will surpass $28 billion. (Note that the EO would also call to replace existing fence with something 30 feet tall and six feet deep. But how much nonsense math can you handle in one morning?)

But wait, there’s more! Most of that 1,350 miles is on real estate which YOUR GOVERNMENT does not own. If private landowners are forced to sell under the doctrine of eminent domain, they are entitled to receive fair market value for their land. So, Congress would have to allocate more money to assess, litigate and purchase it.

And in case you didn’t spot the slippage, we’re not even pretending that Mexico is going to fund the FuckYouMexico wall anymore. All of which is to say, this thing is never going to happen. Dave Chappelle will be Secretary of State before that thing gets built. Worry about the environment, the Supreme Court, mass deportations of undocumented residents in America. The wall?

Pfffffft.

[CNN / Dallas Morning News / WaPo]

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  • memzilla Ω
    • TheoLib

      Note that Oscar the Grouch looks happy!

  • MynameisBlarney
  • Tennessee Rain

    Serious question: Have these people never heard of tunnels?

    • The Wanderer

      Apparently not.

      • Oblios_Cap

        They seem to think that Mexicans can only dig down six feet and no more.

        • PubOption

          how deep was “El Chapo’s” escape tunnel?

        • onedollarjuana

          In Mexican, that’s 2 meters.

          • Oblios_Cap

            2 meters is closer to 6 1/2 feet, isn’t it?

          • Celtic_Gnome

            And there’s all the math you need if you’re on the Mexican side of the wall.

    • MynameisBlarney

      Fudge tunnels maybe.

    • ManchuCandidate

      Or airplanes. Or boats. Or ladders.

      For a group of people that love calling the French Cheez Eatin Surrender Monkeys, they are just as dumb as the ones who adamantly believed in the Maginot line.

      • Tennessee Rain

        Maybe someone should force them to watch Escape From Alcatraz or The Shawshank Redemption. (yeah, I know that last one isn’t true, but it could be!)

    • Crank Tango

      Well then we can just build a wall under the wall, and make it go all the way down to China. Win/win.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Well, they DO keep lowering the bar, so eventually they’ll find it.

    • Magyar Has Had It With Trump

      The cartels already built a fucking tunnel at San Diego, but do they look at how the idea of a wall has already failed? No, no they do not.

      • willi0000000

        why should they? . . . this is gonna be yoooooge!!!!!

    • Noxious Resistance

      Or ladders?
      30′ wall, meet 32′ ladder.

  • The Wanderer

    I think Dave Chappelle would do a better job as SecState.

  • Mpeg

    Does Dave Chappelle still think President Assmouth should “be given a chance”?..

  • Oblios_Cap

    “When I hear the president talk about a wall, to me I think he’s speaking metaphorically.”

    I thought that when he was campaigning to be president, too. I was wrong.

  • Chadwells
  • elviouslyqueer
    • Antonin Dvorak

      It’s not often that a hashtag makes me laugh.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        One of the lesser-well-known tourist attractions in Jerusalem.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Right on, Vicente Quesadilla.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        If he just changed his mother’s surname to “News”, then maybe Trump would listen to him.

        • Oblios_Cap

          I get hungry reading his tweets…

    • Msgr_MΩment

      To be fair, has Mexico not looked in the couch cushions? There may be a couple billion pesos that slipped in there. It’s worth a look.

    • Charon_69

      it never made any sense-why would Mexico pay for the Guatemalans, El Salvadorans, Hondurans etc coming across? why do they think it’s only Mexic…..oh, that’s right ‘they all look the same’ to him and his crowd

    • proudgrampa

      VICENTE FOX FOR PRESIDENTE!

      • Msgr_MΩment

        We’ll elect him the American President and make Putin pay for it!

        • (Major_Major_Major)ly_Pissed

          Putin is already disappointed in his return on investment with Donny

    • lovelydestruction
      • Lascauxcaveman

        Lol, the man can taunt. And from the tiny avatar, he even looks a little like John Cleese.

        “I wave my private parts at your aunties, you cheesy-leather, second-hand, electric donkey bottom biters.”

  • baconzgood

    Maybe you chould do stories on promices he fufilled. It would save you alot of time.

    • Bub, Zombie of the Resistance

      Here’s one:

      * Interesting, right?

    • (Major_Major_Major)ly_Pissed

      HAHAHAHA, I bet the search comes back 404: Page not found

    • Up In Smoke O’hontas

      Hi Baconz!!!

    • bobbert

      BACONZ! Good to see you. Sorry about all the shit.

  • Lefty Frizzell

    The next rally chant:

    “And who’s going to pay for that wall?”
    “WE ARE!!!”

  • ManchuCandidate

    All in all Trump’s just another dick talking ’bout a wall.

  • MynameisBlarney
  • Msgr_MΩment

    Health Care is complicated.
    The Border Wall is complicated.

    You know what’s not complicated? Selecting an independent prosecutor to dig up the evidence to put your asses in Leavenworth.

    • FlownΩver

      Kansas strongly objects! Why burden us with domestic terrorists!

      • Msgr_MΩment

        Hey, if everybody goes all NIMBY, we’ll never get rid of our toxic waste.

      • Creepoman

        GITMO has some room.

  • Bill D. Burger

    OT but “Revenge of the Freedom Caucus”

    If Trump thought he’d scare em’ by threatening the Tea Potty gaggle with his twitter attacks of the past few days, it didn’t work at all.

    Chariman Mark Meadows said just a while ago that it was “…unfortunate that the president chose to attack us and refill the swamp than do what he promised.”

    Love a good uncivil war among the Repukes. Pass the popcorn.

    • Crystalclear12

      Pass the beer.

      • Oblios_Cap

        Pass the bourbon.

    • Anna Elizabeth, Tifosi Suprema

      Sharpen those Long Knives, Beeyotches.

    • Lefty Frizzell

      It’s a bitter pill to swallow, but albeit a vile, inhumane, contemptible, neo-feudalist vision, at least the Freedom Caucus has a vision, and has more honesty and balls in sticking to their vision than a lot of Democrats.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        That’s true, but inflexible purity of thought on our side is what got us into this mess in the first place. People with really deeply held convictions the inability to compromise tend to get marginalized in our wide-open political system.

      • tomamitai
    • Lascauxcaveman

      Hard to believe those fucking bonehead tea-party freepers might actually turn out to be good for something. Fucking with der Trumpenfurher is fun for everyone, I guess.

  • Sardonicuss
  • memzilla Ω

    “When I hear the president talk about a wall, to me I think he’s speaking metaphorically.”

    From the Greek word μεταφορικά, lit. “out of one’s own asshole.”

  • Bub, Zombie of the Resistance
    • Crank Tango

      Vicente Fox? Good luck with that.

  • proudgrampa
    • nightmoth

      Thx!! Excellent–many upvotes.

  • azeyote

    all trump has to say is that the wall is built and beautiful, and his minions will believe him and cheer –

  • Crystalclear12

    Hmmm. . . Dave Chappelle would be an improvement.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    Perfect opportunity for Mexico. Build yoooge earthen ramps on the Southern side of the wall and send motorcycle gangs evel-kneiveling over the Rio Grande.

    • nightmoth

      Then make it a televised sport.

  • Lefty Frizzell

    Was “The Wall” ever in quotes in a Trump tweet? If not, it can’t be metaphorical!

    FFS try to keep up and learn the rules Cornyn you stupid fucker.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Pink Floyd’s wall was better.

    • tomamitai

      The man apparently* didn’t know that Frederick Douglas was dead, that Lincoln was a republican, or that Susan B. Anthony worked to advance women’s rights, and I’m supposed to believe he’s using metaphors in his speeches?

      * Some say he was only joking when he said these things, so I’m sticking in this weasel word, even though I’m not convinced he wasn’t being serious, and will not believe it until everybody on the internet admits that Congressman Hank Johnson was kidding about capsizing Guam and they all issue sincere, heartfelt apologies for claiming he was stupid enough to think you can tip an island, you racist bastards! YOU know who you are!!!!!!!!!!1! For Christ’s sake, the man had a droll and debonair style of speaking, can’t you all see that!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!

  • Martini Ambassador 🍸

    I forget, how does spending 20 billion dollars for some vanity project make America great again?

    http://i.imgur.com/WnbYi4m.png

    • tapp_my_wire,please

      We built the Pentagon in the ’40s for several million ameros. Now it takes 500B a year to keep it running.

    • Sedagive ’em Hell

      Jerbs!

  • Bill D. Burger
  • Crystalclear12

    Mexico’s take:
    We need to build the wall before we are overrun by American refugees.

    • Salmon River Libby

      Wait until the masses figure out the wall is to keep them in.

  • tapp_my_wire,please

    Build the wall Donald. In the time it took for me to post this, 3 messicans that know how to properly administer CPR to me on the street or roll a decent burrito for me have invaded.

    • Ron the Baptist

      Can you get a few to invade here? I haven’t had a decent burrito since 1997.

  • Chadwells
    • baconzgood

      Interwebz win!!!!!!!!!!

    • Bub, Zombie of the Resistance

      They don’t want to stop him. Trumpanzees require a regular intake of Kool-Aid.

    • Royal Ugly Dude
    • Hardly Ideal

      I’m not sure there’s a material known to human science that can.

  • Bill D. Burger

    Trump Wall will be the greatest. I only build great stuff. Believe me. It will be the best.

    http://i.imgur.com/MaHOCVA.gif

    • Oblios_Cap

      You get what you pay for. Only $21M a mile? Hmph!

      • Bill D. Burger

        With Trump’s negotiating skills, that segment above would cost the taxpayers more than would be saved by cutting funds for PBS.

      • Yellerduck

        That’s only if you actually pay the contractors, silly.

        • Ron the Baptist

          Might explain why there hasn’t been a stampede to send in bids for it.

      • Biff52

        For a little less per mile, we could build a freeway. Good luck crossing that successfully!

  • Anna Elizabeth, Tifosi Suprema

    Gee, it’s *almost* like Grotesquely-stupid voters installed a POTUS that is just like themselves – mean, stupid, hate-filled, no balls, and no integrity.

  • Chadwells
  • Chadwells

    Sorry for my wall-gif-gasm.

  • Bub, Zombie of the Resistance

    Good luck keeping US out Donnie!

    https://youtu.be/Z1mc8LCe0tc

    • tomamitai

      When I first saw a clip of that scene I thought it was some racist anti-Palestinian metaphor, but when I saw the whole sequence in the film it seemed to be about the futility of building walls. Am I reading too much into a stupid film?

  • Chadwells
  • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

    To build the wall in Mexico, we’ll have to pay them for the land or something.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Just do what we did last time and go to war over a false pretext and take it.

      • Ron the Baptist

        Don’t do it! It’s a trap!
        – William B. Travis

      • willi0000000

        ahem . . . if you remember, that’s how we got lumbered with texass.

  • The Wanderer

    I’d offer to build a wall, just to hear him gasp, “For the love of God, Montresor!” as I put the final bricks in place.

    • arglebargle

      That would be poetic.

      • The Wanderer

        Yepper.

        • Oblios_Cap

          I’d rather whack Trump over the head with a cask.

          • The Wanderer

            Waste! I want the Amontillado for myself. That’s good brandy.

          • Oblios_Cap

            An empty cask would do just fine.

          • tomamitai

            I thought it was sherry?

          • kareemachan

            It is.

      • Ron the Baptist

        ISWYDT

  • Magyar Has Had It With Trump

    Hadrian’s wall certainly worked to guarantee Rome’s eternal rule of the Britannia!

    • Bill D. Burger
    • Undocumented Skwerl!

      And lucrative trading monopolies with the Picts who later flew away in spaceships after mining all the unobtanium.

      • Oblios_Cap

        And the upsie-daisyum.

      • Bill D. Burger

        Picts or it didn’t happen!

        • Ron the Baptist

          <golf clap>

      • Oblios_Cap

        They dug until they were blue in the face!

      • PubOption

        They used Picts and shovels.

  • Wonking with the Intelligence Committee hearing in the background. I’m not a nerd, you’re the nerd!

    • Proud Liberal

      LOL. I’m doing the same thing!

  • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

    Little Donnie is running out of family members to figure out this shit. Maybe Tiffany, ’cause she knows a lot about emotional walls.

  • george gonzalez
  • Indivisible Snark Tank

    We’re living Pink Floyd’s “Mother”:

    Mother, do you think they’ll drop the bomb?
    Mother, do you think they’ll like this song?
    Mother, do you think they’ll try to break my balls?
    Ooh, aah, mother, should I build the wall?

    Mother, should I run for president?
    Mother, should I trust the government?
    Mother, will they put me in the firing line?
    Ooh, aah, is it just a waste of time?

    Hush now, baby, baby, don’t you cry
    Mama’s gonna make all of your nightmares come true
    Mama’s gonna put all of her fears into you
    Mama’s gonna keep you right here under her wing
    She won’t let you fly but she might let you sing
    Mama’s gonna keep baby cozy and warm

    Ooh, babe, ooh, babe, ooh, babe
    Of course Mama’s gonna help build the wall

    http://youtu.be/n_yRvxy9HVs

  • Sedagive ’em Hell

    Having just returned from Mexico, having visited friends living in Mexico, and keeping up with new friends that I made in Mexico I can say two things:

    1) The Mexican people are the warmest, most open and generous folks I’ve encountered. They were so kind to this stranger, who lost her glasses and wandered around at night in her shades holding a map and looking bewildered. I’ve seldom felt so (literally and figuratively) embraced.

    2) Many Americans I know are planning to live in Mexico part-or-full time in the not-too-distant-future. If the current shitfest continues for long, Mexico will be complaining that too many Americans are flooding over their border in search of a better life.

  • arglebargle

    Trump draws twitter rocks…

    https://twitter.com/trumpdraws?lang=en

  • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

    “When I hear the president talk about a wall, to me I think he’s speaking metaphorically.”

    Like when he says, “Believe me”. Or “Make America Great Again”. Or “I won”.

    • resistance_fighter_rosenbomb

      I like how comfortably they switch between his words having meaning to not. “I like that he says what he thinks!” “I like that he’s honest!” to “Well, he doesn’t actually mean that, he’s speaking metaphorically!”

      • Ron the Baptist

        It’s identical to their approach to the Bible. Literal when it suits them, metaphorical when it doesn’t.

        • resistance_fighter_rosenbomb

          Absolutely.

          • willi0000000

            well . . . metaphorically absolutely.

      • God Emperor Emeritus

        Just like how God is definitely 100% behind the holy doctrine of First Holy Fundamentalist Church of Jesus, West Laredo, Conservative Synod, and all the rest of you heathens are going to hell. Which, by another happy coincidence, just happens to benefit the very altruistic interests of the local Olde Boys Club.

    • Ghenghis McCann

      When I hear the president talk about a wall, to me I think he’s speaking gibberish.

  • Chadwells

    Related: I only know how to post gifs from my phone. Seriously. It’s a pain in the ass…but I’m too lazy to figure it out. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/e542c82b9819300e3b76c651d9521c5bd65b678f536df394bfd03d30342baada.gif

  • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

    OT: Marco Rubio suffered from Russian active measures during the election, Clinton Watts tells Senate Intel Committee. Rubio looked startled.

  • The Wanderer

    It’d be fun to have Trump start setting up the wall on Mexican territory, only to have a guy in NFL ref’s uniform show up and throw a flag for Encroachment.

    Seriously, though,, there’s a treaty that prevents either side from building a barrier either in or too near the river, as John Oliver explains:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vU8dCYocuyI

    • Ron the Baptist

      Pfft. Treaties.

      • The Wanderer

        Do not “Pfft” solemn international horsefeathers.

  • shivaskeeper

    Assuming a wall can be built it won’t be a 2000 mile border wall with Mexico. If that sort of paranoia and armed camp mentality actually takes hold, makes progress, and starts to get built it will be the entire country.

    Becasue the next thing will be the dirty illegals are pushing east and west to go around the land border wall so the entire Gulf of Mexico coastline will need to be walled in. Then they will be going to Canada to seek in from the north so that needs to be walled in as well. Then coming in from the east and west coastlines so they will need to be done too.

    All told, we’re looking at approx 7500 miles of land border and another and probably another up to 18000 miles of coastline that will will need to be walled in (including AK, HI, and the Great Lakes)

    • tapp_my_wire,please

      The expense of paying cross bowmen and archers at the loopholes will make this medieval solution laughable.

      • willi0000000

        LARPers will do it for free on weekends . . . so there’s that.

        • PubOption

          There could be a few ex-VoPo guys looking for work.

      • jaspersdad

        Make trebuchets’ great again….

    • willi0000000

      . . . and since we don’t want to give up our territorial waters, the walls along the coasts will have to be 200 miles out to sea!!!!!

      [ hmmm . . . float it or build down to the seabed . . . float it, they’ll never notice ]

    • Msgr_MΩment

      I understand that Bannon’s latest idea is they’ll make it an electronic fence and force all Latin Americans to wear the collars.

      • The Wanderer

        Don’t whizz on the electric fence!

      • Zyxomma

        Ah, running man.

    • Phoenixdoglover

      It would be easier to create a walled State for white Americans. We could call it…..North Dakota.

      • shivaskeeper

        ND doesn’t want the Nazi’s either. Cobb, the one who tried to take over a town out there and got shut out by the locals who has since moved and had his church possibly arsoned to ashes is not well loved to say the least.

        They don’t get an inch of anything. Fuck them. Besides, I’m not moving to the fucking tundra as a white American.

    • shivaskeeper

      Reply to myself. I cannot stress enough that this is an armed camp mentality. Sense does not enter into this equation at any point. This is about fear and hate. It sounds stupid as hell, but a border wall with Mexico sounds stupid as hell on it’s face and unworkable but that doesn’t seem to be an issue with them.

  • schmannity

    After the wall is built, the Democrats should fund a few million blindfolds and packs of last cigarettes and make the Republicans pay for it, if you get my drift.

    • Zyxomma

      With votes.

  • Bill D. Burger

    Terrific piece by Moyers

    [Trump’s Wall: ‘A Texas Tragedy’
    Beyond its cost and general absurdity, President Trump’s wall would ruin the natural beauty of one of our nation’s most breathtaking national parks.

    BY BILL MOYERS | MARCH 27, 2017]

    http://billmoyers.com/story/trumps-wall-texas-tragedy/

    http://dy00k1db5oznd.cloudfront.net/wp-content/uploads/2017/03/7775421122_78f2413b03_k-1280×720.jpg

    • Magyar Has Had It With Trump

      Not just natural “beauty” (I hate living in the fucking desert. 97 shades of brown. Whoop-de-fucking-doo); IT WILL FLOOD OIL FIELDS. And fuck up grazing lands.

      • Bill D. Burger

        I can walk anywhere on this ranch and look up or across at the Rockies, and I cannot imagine a more destructive and wretched scar and abomination than putting a big Trump fence across any part of them. This unnecessary and horrific nightmare proposed by Turnip is a boondoggle and lie in so many ways.

        • Magyar Has Had It With Trump

          None of these fucksticks has bothered to look up what the terrain around Alpine, TX is like.

          • Marion in Savannah

            You’d think the name might give them a wee hint…

    • Royal Ugly Dude

      You call that a mesa? Sad. You couldn’t build a golf course on that. No topsoil.

      • mardam422

        Got to admit, though. That’s one hell of a carry for a drive.

        • Lascauxcaveman

          But you have to tank up the golf cart twice to get to your second shot. And course plays pretty slow, I hear.

    • Noxious Resistance

      We won’t have an Interior Dept soon, so say goodbye to national parks.
      Good ol’ Teddy Roosevelt(R) would be furious.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    Cagaleche pendejo dice ¿que?

    • The Wanderer

      LOL

  • schmannity

    Maginot Construction, at your service!

    • Undocumented Skwerl!

      Why don’t we just buy that from France and make them pay for it?

    • Sardonicuss

      “Panzer Division Breachers. ” – What Wall?

  • Rick Hill

    It will be easy peasy to pay for the all, you dumbocrats! No immigrant laborers to work the fields or do the labor Americans will not do. This will raise the price of food. That brings more taxes! And the same goes for everyone else who pays more for work done by day laborers, landscapers, nannies. You see how it all works out and we all pay less??

  • Relativicus

    Dunno why it didn’t occur to me before now, but do you suppose Trump equates screwing contractors out of monies owed with being able to build things relatively cheaply?

  • tapp_my_wire,please

    Don’t worry folks, the billboard advertisements on the US side of the wall for Taco Bell will offset the expenses.

    • Bebecca

      If they sold advertisements, like in baseball stadiums, to be placed on the wall, it would pay for itself.

      • NellCote71

        Don’t give them anymore ideas.

  • nightmoth

    HAZ A DUM about geography, and history, too. How’d that Great Wall of China work at keeping out the barbarian hordes, huh?

    • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

      Correctamundo. Because if it’s not the wall itself that’s gonna cost us, it’s gonna be the quarter of a million dudes we’re going to need to man it. Otherwise all you need is a particularly long ladder.

      • Biff52

        Not even that particularly long. I used to work on chimneys, and I had a 40 foot ladder.

    • Magyar Has Had It With Trump

      I’d have to double check the dates and shit; but, if IIRC, it sent them to Europe.

    • MeerkatsRMammals
  • Nounverb911

    So how exactly is donnie going to handle the Texas border ranchers that object to having their land confiscated?

    • tomamitai

      Appeal to their racism patriotism?

      • Nounverb911

        HAHAHAHAHAHA!

    • NellCote71

      I just knew that the 2nd Amendment would someday be used for good.

    • Red Bird Ω

      That’s why they want to put it on Mexican land.

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    “Metaphor…fuck that. I only date tens.”
    The Russian Puppet

  • Bill D. Burger

    Loved one old timer’s comment on the building of the wall along the canyonlands in west Texas: “The sumbitch’ is crazy. A Chinese emperor couldn’t build a goddamned wall through here. It’s just a damned waste of time and money.”

    • Finnabar87

      the REAL Texas speaks!

    • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

      It’s funny, but while Texas is the same obnoxious red we all know and loathe, damn near all of the counties along the Rio Grande are blue.

      • Ill-Advised

        Should we let Texas pay for it, then? States’s rights. Seems only fair.

  • Hairstrike Alpha

    Trump is a complete and utter bullshitter. The only things that will definitely happen during his reign: tax cuts for rich people and self dealing, emboldening racist pig fuckers to be worse, licking Putin’s balls and massive, almost cartoonish levels of corruption. World war 3 is possible if the Chinese keep making fun of his hair and spraytan….

    • elviouslyqueer

      Isn’t he meeting with Xi at “the Southern White House” today?

    • tapp_my_wire,please

      Don’t forget the estate tax Daddy. Signed Ivanka and the boys.

    • JohnBull

      Kind of like Russia without the commitment to public transportation.

    • Lordpnut

      And his wall. Embarrassing. Sad. Loser.

  • ThePuckStopsHere

    How about building a 30 foot tall wall around the White House just to keep that son-of-a-bitch in. Think of the millions we’d save every weekend on golf outings alone. And we could make him pay for it!

    • Finnabar87

      He can’t leave without the proper paperwork.

    • Magyar Has Had It With Trump

      We just have to convince the SSA’s to turn around

    • Nounverb911
      • JohnBull

        Love that picture. All we need is a hose, an endless supply of water, and a ton of caulk.

        • Hardly Ideal

          It’d fill with shit eventually.

          *bad Rorschach impression*

          …the accumulated filth of all their lies and greed will foam up about
          their waists and all the grifters and cronies will look up and shout
          “Save us!”… and I’ll look down and whisper “Нет.”

      • Noxious Resistance

        …just another brick in the wall.

  • Li’l Marco’s being’ all mature and serious. Werid

    • tapp_my_wire,please

      sharks have an uncanny sense of detecting blood in the water.

    • NellCote71

      I know, it’s like chaperoning the class nerds on their trip to Girls and Boys State. (Do they even do that anymore?)

  • Suttree

    I would say that I would drag my ass down there to build the wall, because I am out of work right now. But They just got rid of rules for government contractors who fuck their employees. I doubt that I would even get prevailing wage. Also too, I just want to build it really shoddily and make secret holes, so that the poor border crossers don’t die, because they have to go around it.

    • God Emperor Emeritus

      I think that your plan is pretty much everyone’s plan? Because doing it for real is obviously impossible?

  • SpideySenser
    • Isabella Martin

      Never, I hope. Doors wide open for all the good folks.

    • Lordpnut

      See my reply to Biff52. Did I mention that the KGB was highly effective?

  • Biff52

    We have to build the wall to see what’s in it.

    • Lordpnut

      Their southern border is protected by the KGB (killer green bud). It is highly effective and reasonably priced.

  • OMFG you are a IDIOT u libturds! The BERLIN WALL worked so why can’t this one? The Great Wall of General Tso (it’s not just a restraunt its also a landmark look it up moran)? Hello?!?

  • Longstreet63

    So, I’m guessing that Trump will blame Mexico for not building a wall on their soil with their money and say that he was never if favor of an actual wall on the US side, but that this is what he meant by saying that Mexico would pay for it.
    Also, why all the detention facilities if the wall is gonna solve the problem?

  • Aw yeah build it on our side. So when Hannity goes on patrol boat mercenary tour posing with machine guns they will get quickly dispatched.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yEXMGFLH_0o

    • Belasaurius

      as will (p)Rick Perry

  • Mavenmaven

    People stupid enough to believe the Rich on “trickle down” economics are stupid enough to believe that Trump will actually build that wall.

    • Lordpnut

      And that it will solve their problems.

  • Biff52

    There’s no wall between us and Cuba. Just sayin’.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Solution: Take money away from the Coast Guard.

      • Biff52

        Well duh.

    • Red Bird Ω

      Those are good Mexicans. ;)

      • Biff52

        Sea Mexicans!

  • mardam422

    1. Terrorists and drugs come across from Mexico, time to panic!
    2. We need a “contiguous, physical wall or other similarly secure, contiguous, and impassable physical barrier,” and we need it now.
    3. Commence Deport-o-Rama.
    4. Build more detention facilities for illegals.
    5. Tally up how much money we spent on Mexican aid for the past five years, issue veiled threats.
    6. Co-opt local law enforcement to participate in mass deportation.
    7. Do A STUDY.

    What happened to “PROFIT!!”?

    • chortlingdingo

      That’s step 8.

      • gamera23

        Step One: Collect underpants.

    • kareemachan

      4a. Contract with private companies to staff said detention centers.

  • Ghenghis McCann

    Dear Patriotic Americans, during World War Two your parents and grandparents were asked to contribute to the war effort by buying war bonds. Today I am asking you to contribute. Collect all the Lego you can find and send it to the Southern White House, so we can use it to build The Wall.

    • Nockular cavity

      Throw the Legos on the floor. Dance, gringo, dance!

    • Hardly Ideal

      There was what sounded like the ignition of a blowtorch. The commentratti turned to find Hardly Ideal, standing in front of a pair of dusty storage bins and clutching what appeared to be a lightsaber.
      “You can take my Lego over my dead body. Those are for my children!” He glanced aside after a moment. “…well, as soon as my boy stops putting everything he finds in his mouth.”

  • Jgb979

    I’m still not entirely sure Trump understands “how laws are made” and thinks that his executive order pretty pony pictures are the equivalent of Royal decrees.

    https://media2.giphy.com/media/3o6Yg4ahdyITLjgM2Q/giphy.gif

    • Jamoche

      His experience is “poof, now there’s a regulation that applies to my business, where the fuck did that come from?”

    • davidhollenshead

      A) Is your Avatar a Mr. Blobby Fish ???
      B) How did Führer Trump end up drawing a picture of my Avatar ???

      • Jgb979

        A) with aviators and a cigar
        B) illuminati secrets.

  • chascates

    Trump is speaking metaphorically, just like Jesus.

    • NellCote71

      Well, then let’s get to work on changing water into wine.

  • Jo Mathie

    Did anyone aside from die-heard Trumpets think that this was at all a thing that could happen? I mean I’m from the UK and even the racist UKIP were going “Ummm…wow.”. Put the pretend wall down Donny and put the money back into healthcare/meals on wheels/everything else you have defunded.

    • phoenix00

      Lookit how well Hadrian’s Wall worked….

      • Grumpy Twat

        At least we made the Picts pay for it.

        • Keith Taylor

          Good one! (Speaking as a bloke who actually writes stories set in the days when Rome was pulling back from Britain and the Picts were surging over the wall with tattooed skins and spears and intentions of getting even.) Hadrian, that wasn’t one of your better ideas even though you weren’t such a bad emperor.
          And now a head of state who isn’t the man you were thinks he can copy you.

  • canes_pugnaces

    “What wall. I never said I would build a wall in my first term.”
    — DJT

  • canes_pugnaces

    Hey! Pink Floyd’s Wall was great. And it worked. Millions of copies sold. Just an idea.

    • NellCote71

      Blast The Wall with giant megawatt towers. A reverse Wolfman Jack for the 20th Century.

  • Meccalopolis

    Hatin’ browns is the only thing that keeps his 35% around

  • gamera23

    The Wall is a metaphor.
    Metaphors cost nothing.
    The Wall is already paid for.
    Mexico paid nothing for the Wall.
    MEXICO PAID FOR THE WALL ALREADY.

    Case closed.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Is that one o’ them silly-jisms?

    • kareemachan

      Walls will find a way….

  • rocktonsam

    all alone, or in two’s
    the ones who really love you
    walk up and down outside the wall
    some hand in hand
    and some gathered together in bands
    the bleeding hearts and artists
    make their stand
    and when they’ve given their all
    some stagger and fall, after all it’s not easy
    BANGING YOUR HEART AGAINST SOME MAD BUGGER’S WALL

  • SweetDeeKat

    I like the idea of Dave Chapelle for secretary of state. Make it so.

  • We’re not going to put it on our side and cede the river to Mexico.

    Whoa, whoa, whoa, cowboy.

    Presenting…

    Presidunt Duckface.
    http://lovelace-media.imgix.net/uploads/25/378bc2a0-4376-0133-9d86-0af7184f89fb.gif?

    • Red Bird Ω

      Somebody’s telegraphing their true intent.

  • The Wanderer

    “Like, what wall, man?”
    – Einstein the Motorcycle, Warrior of the Lost World

  • Zyxomma

    Thanks, FDF.

  • You know the song “we shall overcome” works just fine with the words “we shall build a wall”

  • Alexander Stallwitz

    On a related note http://www.joemygod.com/2017/03/28/mexican-archdiocese-declares-mexican-company-helps-build-trumps-wall-traitors/

    I would urge caution with any company who thinks about help building the Wall, as Deadbeat Donny has a bad habit of stiffing his creditors. Hes liable to figure out a way to leave anyone he owes money to for building the wall left holding the bag.

    • HazooToo

      Get the contracts finalized, and then in the last few days of the construction, pass a bill at midnight on Sunday that allows the President to “commandeer” goods and services.

    • davidhollenshead

      Perhaps the Mexican Cement Suppliers could short the Portland Cement for the mix, so that Führer Trump’s wall lasts a decade tops. Oh wait, the soil conditions and flash floods will do that within a decade..

      • Alexander Stallwitz

        For a guy who claims to be a master builder, he didnt put a lot of thought or attention into the feastiblity of this. Its like he just blurted it out one day and a bunch of gullible morons fell for it…

        • Keith Taylor

          If he thought about the feasibility at all, and saw there was none, his next thought was probably, as you say, “But it doesn’t matter ‘cuz the gullible morons will fall for it.” Going by his record, that always has been his main consideration.

    • Keith Taylor

      That was my opinion. I reckoned, with his history, it’s likely that he will actually initiate the project, and give sweetheart contracts to any number of companies or builders (or his stooges will). Then the project will run into all the problems and obstacles mentioned here, and probably lots of others I can’t imagine, until it has to be cancelled. The crooked construction people will then be compensated for the contracts falling through (that is, paid for NOT building the useless unnecessary wall) and in return provide Trump with a warm cosy money-lined place to fall when he’s no longer President. And the American taxpayer will be the one who gets stiffed.
      That’s what I formerly reckoned. Now I’m starting to believe I was wrong and the project will never even be initiated. For one thing Trump may be impeached first. For another the Republican party itself may torpedo this imbecilic idea.
      One thing on which we can all bet our shirts with no fear of losing them. Mexico ain’t gonna do the paying.

  • notleia

    Where’s that Attack on Titan photoshop meme? I’ve been meaning to steal it for meme-spreading purposes.

  • William
  • BearDeLaOursistance

    I only wish the folks sponsoring Drumpf had been in Beijing rather than Moscow. Then we could call the intelligence kerfuffle ChinGate. Or ChingaTe.

  • BearDeLaOursistance

    Mr. Putin, build me this wall!!

  • Hardly Ideal

    I’m gonna rip off John Oliver for a bit…

    As you probably know, this wall won’t do anything for security or immigration. Drug cartels laugh at the wall; there’s a dizzying array of tools for going over, under, around, or through. And most illegal immigrants come in legally, but then overstay their visas. A wall would do fuck-all to fix those problems.

    And at massive cost, too. As of 2016, the US population is about 324,118,787. At a cost of $28 billion, that would work out to about $86 per person. All for a wall that would do nothing except give people a warm feeling of satisfaction.

    I therefore propose that instead of building a wall, we spend that money on giving everyone in the country a waffle iron. This one, specifically. Not one waffle iron per household, but one per person. Is it a stupid plan? Of course it is! But it addresses border problems as well as a wall, costs less, won’t trample property rights, or kill endangered animals (unless you’re a really sick fuck). And unlike the border wall, it makes waffles!

    I will now accept all the Nobel awards and/or sexy pictures from adoring fans.

    • Lordpnut

      Good plan. I’ll give you a “good dog” gold star, but no pics of my rod unless you throw in waffle mix and REAL maple syrup. I’m no common Anthony Wiener. I have (some) ethical standards

  • Bitter Scribe

    My predictions:

    1) The damn thing never gets built, or there’s some ridiculous token thing like a chain-link fence for a few miles.

    2) 99% of his moron supporters will just shrug.

    • Rickyphoo

      Re: 2) And blame it on Obama and the Democrats.

    • Robert James Nugent

      Agreed, deploy a couple of drones and call it a virtual wall. Save us all a few billion bucks. Promise kept. Win/win

    • davidhollenshead

      3) Führer Trump will find a way to protect Officers in ICE, from being prosecuted for shooting any person who might possibly be attempting to cross the border.

    • Lordpnut

      The best deterrent for the lazy, foolish, or less committed border crossers is the Sonoran desert itself. But highly motivated, intelligent, persistent people usually find a way. Those people usually make excellent workers. The prevaling wisdom in southwest construction circles is to prefer Spanish speakers before they get fucked up by American culture.

      • richardgrabman

        Going back to Bill Clinton’s admin, the US idea of “border security” was to force people to cross that desert… leaving bleached bones along the way.

  • Scrofula

    Even that thousand foot tall Wall of ice and magic didn’t stop Jon Snow from just climbing over it.

  • Celtic_Gnome

    Couldn’t they just set up a line of microwave ovens on stands along the border all pointing at Mexico and watch the border that way? I bet Best Buy would give them a hell of a deal on a bulk purchase like that.

  • Phenicks

    I think Zinke was being completely reasonable in that statement. Translation: “How the hell are we supposed to build a wall along the Rio Grande when there’s obviously no good place to put it?”

    • davidhollenshead

      Alternate Translation, the US / Mexican War is about to start, as soon as Führer Trump & his Brownshirts can think of a way to blame it on Mexico. Perhaps Mexicans will take over a Texas Radio Station, or even burn down the Reichstag.

  • Robert James Nugent

    What’s wrong with Chappelle for SOS? He’s just as qualified as any of 45’s other nominees. Maybe if we plant it in the depths of 4 chan it will surface into a replacement for Tillerson.

  • Panika MCD

    $21 million per mile sounds a bit on the low side given how many family properties are about to be condemned. wait, no they’re not! because it didn’t work out that way in the courts last time and it won’t this time.

    I swear, libtarts away from the border: please learn a few more things about the border before commenting.

    1) Shrub tried to do this before and the reason it was never completed was because the families won the right to keep their land without a fucking fence or wall on it IN FEDERAL COURT.

    2) international treaties and interstate compacts require that the Rio Grande’s flow remain unobstructed–this includes the flood plain. how many stories to I see about the schtorpid wall? A TON. how many mention the Rio Grande Compact and related treaties? ABOUT 10% OF THE TX TRIBUNE STORIES ON THE ISSUE. it’s like even the liberals think this thing is a whole lot simpler than it is.

    3) finally, if you were going to do a story about how they had put out an RFP, you could have covered some of the protest and more creative non-protest ones…but you missed that. https://www.texastribune.org/2017/03/24/instead-wall-some-texans-want-parks-solar-panels-or-levies/

  • whitroth

    I know! I know! Teacher, call on me!

    We’ll put up a HUUUGGGEEE super-satellite, in geosync, and they use solar power to make a wall of death lasers all along the border!

    Btw, only six feet underground? *shrug* I suppose. Smugglers dig their tunnels a lot lower than that.

    • Erala Contratista

      Even we Olds have a 35′ extension ladder layin’ around the homestead.

  • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

    Wonkgeneers may weigh in, I was only a humble planner, but a 30 foot high wall ain’t going to be any 6 feet underground. Even an 18 foot high wall could need at least a 9 foot deep footing. The cost to excavate 6 feet along the length of the entire wall? Yuuuuge. For a solid wall, the wind load would be Tremendous. Bigly.
    For a developer the guy doesn’t seem to know squat about actual construction. You might as well make it like GOT and have it be 1000 feet high made of ice and magic for all it will ever get built.

    • davidhollenshead

      Our Führer Trump claims to be great at building things, except that he couldn’t assemble a shed kit from Lowes.
      Of course Führer Trump doesn’t understand footings, soil conditions, etc. but his Brownshirts & Supporters really don’t care, as long as they have a chance at creating their Forth Reich.
      Which is to say, we have collectively fallen into an alternative universe, one which has lost basic human empathy, & an understanding of history.

      • Erala Contratista

        Not to mention that the Rio Grande, like so many rivers wanders around, ALL the damn time. Just ask the corpse of Engineers at Old River Control how it’s going with keeping the Mississippi right where it is now in perpetuity.
        Ignernce is buhliss!

      • Keith Taylor

        And as Vagenda of Rebel Scum, better*than*you, and Tim have pointed out, and you sir davidhollenshead are right too, Trump can’t even do simple math and wouldn’t pay attention to it if he could; math isn’t what his supporters want, even though it always has the last word. I’m not a mathematician and absolutely not a construction engineer, but this I’d bet on. If his wall (not that this concept will ever be tested) were 30 feet tall with only 6 foot foundations to anchor it, the Big Bad Wolf, or more appropriately a coyote, could just huff and puff and blow it down.

    • ⭐️better than you⭐️

      An engineer did, in fact, run all the numbers on the wall and point out it was physically impossible to build.

      • Tim

        Possible, they said AT LEAST 6 feet underground. 18 foot footings are at least 6 feet deep.

    • phoenix00

      Trump isn’t a developer. He pays other companies to develop for him, then he simply slaps his name on it and charges for “licensing and trademark”

      • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

        He started out as a developer. He got out of that business because he did such a piss poor job. He should remember some basic construction concepts. But then, who am I talking about here?

  • davidhollenshead

    I hope that our Führer Trump makes a section of his border wall,
    as we will need a wall to Nicolae Ceaușescu him & his Brownshirts.

  • Ms.Moon

    Americans like drugs that’s why drugs are coming through Mexico to the United States. If Americans were buying grapes those are entirely legal and can get here with little hassle, but it’s drugs, it’s really expensive because cacao is not grown in the United States and it’s really illegal. To solve this problem we could make cocaine legal and tax the hell out of it like we do cigarettes or Americans can stop taking drugs.

    • richardgrabman

      Cacao (Theobroma cacao) doesn’t grow anywhere in United States, that’s true. But it’s what chocolate comes from. Maybe you’re think of coca (Erythroxylum coca). Dang, I knew I took five credit hours of botany way back when for a reason.

      • Ms.Moon

        Thank you, I knew it was one of those spelling things that I could not remember how it worked when they sound exactly the same but they’re spelled differently.

    • Keith Taylor

      Not sure I should be answering. I mean, don’t suppose I’m getting all critical about the U.S. when Australia has its own deplorables. Bloody bizarre ones. And our drug problem down here with ice is shooting through the roof and heading for the stratosphere. But — apparently — Mexico’s bloody drug cartels get their profits largely from the huge market north of the border, and buy the weapons they use to terrorize their own country, quite legally, north of the border also. If I were Mexican I’d want to get away from the drug cartels’ gunmen and go somewhere relatively quiet (with a chance of a decent living wage) also, and damn right I’d overstay my visa. So would Trump’s supporters in their place.
      No simple solution, certainly not at this point, but might gun control be a place to start?

      • Ms.Moon

        If people in the United States weren’t buying drugs the cartels would have to find something else to sell. Dragon fruit is legal, so is sugar they could grow and sell that, but people in the United States have to stop being hypocrites and deal with the fact that it is their drug use that is causing the crime in the first place.

  • Lordpnut

    If he really were a master strategist, Trumpangrabber would have let The Wall idea quietly fade from memory. As a campaign promise it kicks ass – simple enough for the deplorables to understand while Trump struts and frets about like Mussolini.
    Any actual wall, however, would inherently be a piss-poor copy; a weak sister of the other one, sad…pathetic – no matter how handsome, dignified, and impregnable. And every chinaman he tries to negotiate with will look askance at him and think “this guy is a fucking idiot”.

  • richardgrabman

    Back in the late 19th century, when Mexico had a problem with gringo border crossers, President Porfirio Díaz famously said, “Between us and the United States… the desert!”. Or these guys: https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/1b54aeb0a447c55fa5730a95f06875f440dcd778f34bb5ab573d5f8f1ee1db37.jpg

  • Stein Olsen

    Next Trump will try to repeal Obama care and make Mexico pay for the wall as a drag queen.

    https://s20.pixxxels.org/jn6689ztp/drag-queen-shutterstock.jpg

  • Stein Olsen

    If Trumps mullet manage to escape it’s life of servitude.

    http://i.imgur.com/PwfJMAo.jpg

  • Keith Taylor

    We have indeed marked your words, great orange cretin, and we have observed that your word is as false on this as on every other matter.

  • Nick.Trite

    I just want to see what will happen with the mechanics liens that are sure to be filed when trump stiffs the contractors. I mean, his post office hotel had mechanics liens filed against it, so maybe we can use those for precedent.

  • Keith Taylor

    With regard to that border wall which Trump assures everybody is going to be so magnificent and is also needed to keep out rapists and other criminals …
    How about this victim of crime? Eighteen year old Lilian Uriba, raped by the same drug trafficker who murdered her father, was then forced to carry narcotics from Guatemala to El Salvador. The scumbag threatened to murder all six of her brothers and sisters if she disobeyed. She fled to the U.S. for asylum, and ICE, following the Trump doctrine of heartlessness, tossed her into detention and won’t grant bond or parole or even let her make an outside phone call — without which she cannot get the proof of her situation a grant of asylum requires.
    Well, Australia’s been keeping asylum seekers and their kids in detention in Pacific hell-holes (out of sight, out of mind) for who knows how long. Americans are calling the Trump system “the new cruelty”, but here it’s not so new. All the bastards responsible better hope the atheists are right and there’s no hell and won’t be any Second Coming, because if there is … I’ll be in trouble, but they’ll be in worse trouble, since I would suspect that “Man is He pissed off” as the hippies said.

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