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On Wednesday morning, a bill arrived on Donald Trump’s desk. One that has been vigorously supported by all the Republicans in Senate and Congress, and one that he is very much expected to sign. It’s a bill repealing President Obama’s executive order prohibiting internet service providers like Comcast, Time Warner and Verizon from selling off your internet history to companies who want to know all your little secrets. And preventing the FCC from ever again being allowed to prevent them from doing so.

Now sure! You may be thinking “Hey! What about my privacy! I pay those companies for my internet service! Should they really be making money off of what I do when I am on there? How is that right?” But that is probably because you love job-killing regulations and don’t want companies to be able to make any money off of you. OR because you haven’t considered the joys of having even more advertising tailored to your interests! Who doesn’t love that? Everyone loves ads and commercials!

In a Wall Street Journal op-ed earlier this month, the bill’s lead sponsor in the Senate, Jeff Flake, explained that he’s really doing this for us. Because sure, while we as Americans sort of care about our privacy, that is nothing compared to how much we value our rights to be advertised to.

The new rules also restrict an ISP’s ability to inform customers about innovative and cost-saving product offerings. So much for consumer choice. 

So much for consumer choice indeed! Surely, if we all had a choice, we would be like “Whaaaaaaaaa? Innovative and cost-saving product offerings? Take my internet history PLEASE!” And technically, following the Broadband Consumer Privacy Proposal, you did have a choice. Because you were still allowed to opt in and offer up your browser history to your ISP if that is what floated your boat. What Jeff Flake, Donald Trump and all the Republicans want is to cut out the pesky middle man and just give you the glorious privilege of letting companies see your search history without you needing to give them permission to do so.

How convenient! Like, for instance, if this were in effect now — if my ISP noticed that I bought a weird amount of Korean snail-based moisturizing products last night, they could then go “OH, clearly Robyn has some dry skin issues, let’s tell a company so they can try and sell her EVEN MORE Korean snail-based moisturizing products.” Whether or not I am OK with that. Then, those companies will also know that I spent a lot of time recently researching learned pigs named Toby. What they will do with that information? Up to them!

Detractors, meanwhile, are saying all kinds of silly things like “Hey, what if I don’t actually want companies to know about all the time I spend watching Furry porn or the fact that I spent six hours on WebMD trying to figure out if the dry skin around my nose was actually a symptom of lupus?” Probably they wouldn’t say such nonsense if only they knew that giving companies that information could lead to fantastic deals on mascot uniforms!

If that isn’t exciting enough, the Trump FCC has also put a stay on another job-killing regulation — the one that requires ISPs to take “reasonable measures” to keep your most private information private. You know, like your social security number and stuff. Just think of all the identity thieves we’ll be putting back to work.

Since Republican legislators are giving us so much here, you may be concerned that they’re not getting anything back — other than some sweet, sweet money from lobbyists. But they are! Adam McElhaney, a privacy and net neutrality activist from Tennessee, has decided to return the favor by starting a GoFundMe in order to raise money to buy the internet search history of everyone who worked so hard to pass this bill.

McElhaney writes:

Thanks to the Senate for passing S.J.Res 34 , now your Internet history can be bought.

I plan on purchasing the Internet histories of all legislators, congressmen, executives, and their families and make them easily searchable at searchinternethistory.com.

Everything from their medical, pornographic, to their financial and infidelity.

Anything they have looked at, searched for, or visited on the Internet will now be available for everyone to comb through.

Help me raise money to buy the histories of those who took away your right to privacy for just thousands of dollars from telephone and ISPs. Your private data will be bought and sold to marketing companies, law enforcement.

Let’s turn the tables. Let’s buy THEIR history and make it available.

Surely they will have no problem with this. After all, we could maybe help them find some great deals at party stores if we only knew about their secret balloon sitting fetishes.

[New York Times| The Guardian/| GoFundMe]

You know who hasn’t sold your browsing history in ages? Wonkette, because we’re ad-free! Join the cause and give us some money, today!

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  • memzilla Ω
  • Oblios_Cap

    Flake is aptly named.

  • Nounverb911
  • The new rules also restrict an ISP’s ability to inform customers about innovative and cost-saving product offerings.

    Because if there’s one thing cable corporations are famous for, it’s calling you up and saying, “Hey, we noticed you’re paying us too much for really shitty broadband.”

    • Oblios_Cap

      Comcast just adds “features” and charges you for them without saying anything.

      • God Emperor Emeritus

        It only took me like 3 hours to get them to take of the charges for renting the router and modem that I was definitely not renting from them. And another 3 hours after they put it back on after I cancelled the TV service. And….

        • OneYieldRegular

          I have asked them three times to remove the “protection” money from my bill, and they always say “sure” and never do it.

    • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

      Look how many people choose satellite dish over cable.

    • MeerkatsRMammals

      How ’bout the bazillion different commercials I see on TV every single day for Xfinity/FiOS/etc? Do they not count? I already hate commercials. Unless they’re gonna tailor-make ads for me featuring bootleg Misfits videos, porn or funny cats? No thanks.

  • dslindc
  • memzilla Ω
  • baconzgood

    Doesn’t this make it easier for Obama to use my microwave to listen in on me?

    • h4rr4r

      Baconzgood, try paying attention. The Microwave takes video, the toaster gets the audio.

      • baconzgood

        What about my dehumidifier?

        • Msgr_MΩment

          Golden showers.

        • h4rr4r

          Obviously that samples air and sends the data off to the Uzbekistanis.

          • Jon Sussex

            So…weed detector. Ugh.

          • Shanzgood

            Dang, I didn’t think of that.

          • h4rr4r

            and Farts!
            It analyzes that data and sells your health information on the open market.

    • Nounverb911
  • Thiazin Red

    I already feel like my computer knows too much. It freaked me the hell out last year when I went to google and the doodle was wishing me happy birthday.

    • freakishlypersistent

      I love my birthday doodle actually. It charms me. Probably because I’m a huge fan of the doodles and that would be my dream jerb.

  • Martini Ambassador 🍸

    It’s not even the ability for advertisers to get all up in our business that concerns me nearly as much as the potential for prospective employers, law enforcement, governmental agencies, etc. to nose around in our private business. “Nope, can’t hire so-and-so because of the searches she did on bone marrow cancer. She’ll probably die and our insurance rates will go up.” This is terrifying to me.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      God. It’s like my entire internet history is liberal snark and porn (oh, and the library). What does that tell a potential employer?

      • Martini Ambassador 🍸

        You sound pretty cool to me. I’d hire ya!

  • Chadwells

    “Balloon sitting fetish…”…someone is a Bob’s Burgers fan!!!

    https://youtu.be/MwDiiAb2Z2s

  • Carpe Vagenda

    And preventing the FCC from ever again being allowed to prevent them from doing so. Yeah, I don’t think that’s gonna stick.

    • FlownΩver

      You haven’t been stuck in the FCC’s revolving door lately, I’m guessing.

      • Carpe Vagenda

        I’m just saying, I don’t think that Congress gets to vote on that particular thing.

        • Jon Sussex

          5 U.S.C. 801(b)(2)

    • Celtic_Gnome

      You forget. This is an Executive Order. It’s like a Royal Proclamation.

      Everyone thinks Trump started playing the evangelical for the votes. Maybe somebody explained the Divine Right of Kings to him.

  • eggsacklywright

    Oh, boy! Now I can find out which politicians are into squat cobbler!

  • freakishlypersistent

    Remind me, how does this ridiculous horseshit MAGA again?

    • anwisok

      The rich get richer. Duh.

  • Anna Elizabeth, Tifosi Suprema

    You could have just asked, pervs. I like to watch attractive women being serviced by well endowed men, or just each other.

    I wonder what porn the Gawd-fondlers like to watch?

    • Ωbjectifier

      AOT,K

    • Celtic_Gnome

      Bears and twinks.

      • Anna Elizabeth, Tifosi Suprema

        :)

  • boyblue122

    Also, the Pepes over on reddit are furious over this

    https://twitter.com/ChevreBoueri/status/846862126589362179

    • The Wanderer

      Probably pissed off that they’ll be found out to have the same porn browsing habits as Pakistan (an article years ago sampled their web searches and found a lot of bestiality and kiddie porn).

    • baconzgood

      Soooooo. He fucked over his base?

      Who da thunk it.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        Honeybadger’s gotta honeybadger.

    • Vincent Ricola

      Of course they are – all that child porn they pass around for “research into pizzagate” reasons is about to become public knowledge.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      See, this is why the GOoP “coalition” is unsustainable, while the Democratic coalition is . African-American Dems have no reason to be sympathetic to say LGBTQetc rights (as some old-timey Bible-thumping AA preachers would testify to), except that they recognize their own struggle in that of the others’. This builds unity. Trying to get people who believe in bootstrap-I-got-mine-ism to build any sort of empathy with other non-intersecting interest groups, let alone solidarity, is like asking John Galt to listen to Lassie when she tells you that the Widow Smith fell down the well.

    • Crystalclear12

      Haha

    • BearGHAZI

      In defense of the Pepes, Hillary would have PMS-destroyed the Internet entirely, so that her email crimes would go unpunished

  • beatbort

    So, basically, Julian Assange now goes by the names Verizon, Comcast and Time Warner.

  • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

    Everything the Republicans have been doing lately is Republican Porn. And we get to watch. So ISPs will be sending us ads for MORE Republican Porn…

    – Deepthroat Must Die (for leaking to the press)
    – Atlas Shrugged (off his thin tunic revealing no need for Viagara)
    – Hunger Games
    – (American-made only) Steel Magnolias

  • Msgr_MΩment

    Is Donnie really going to sign this? I mean this puts American companies in competition with the FSB.

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      I’m going with “Yes, since it both sows the seeds of discord and scratches another item off his ‘Pretend Obama didn’t exist’ list.”

  • coozledad

    If the feds really wiretapped Trump tower
    They’d have audio of hour after hour
    Of @realDonaldTrump massaging his stump
    To the “golden hordes” in his shower.

    https://twitter.com/funder/status/847228272836345856

    • boyblue122

      so this is the next guy to drink poison tea or “accidentally” fall out a window?

      • coozledad

        When Putin starts killing the central players, I’m afraid the Republicans will just sign the rest of the country over to him.

  • Kiri the Unicorn

    I used to watch much more furry porn before I found Wonkette.

    • Undocumented Skwerl!

      We are your #1 furry porn source!

      • MeerkatsRMammals

        I thought Wonkette was #1 source of dick jokes… If not dick jokes, they’re certainly #1 source of canned clams ;)

        • Riley Whodat Venable

          Well, the best “salted bag of dicks” jokes on the interwebs. Now for just dicks that are Jokes I’ll take the Daily Caller.

    • The Wanderer

      I find that I’m dividing my time between Wonkette and furry porn about 50-50.

    • The Wanderer
      • Kiri the Unicorn
        • The Wanderer

          How can you say that? Vanessa has one advantage over Rarity – as an anthro spider, she makes her own clothes (which she sells online).

          • Kiri the Unicorn

            Sorry, I’m just not into exoskeletons.

          • The Wanderer

            ‘Tis an acquired taste, and only bits of her are armored.

        • Ron the Baptist

          Dammit, stop literalising my toon fetishes!

          • Kiri the Unicorn

            Sorry. I have very little on file that’s clean enough to post here.

  • Ωbjectifier

    Hmm. Seems like this could be useful if some actor wished to influence an election.

  • Undocumented Skwerl!

    But what about the cost saving deals I am currently offered on Delkab Hybrid bee-killing corn seed offered through the Ogallala, Nebraska Co-op?

  • anwisok

    Nobody knows you’re a dog, right?
    http://www.ladygray.com/NikScott/1acoldog.gif

  • Creepoman

    Finally, a legislative victory for Trump, and his defining political legacy. When we look back in history (assuming we have a future to look back from), this will rank right up their with the achievements of Lincoln and FDR. So much goddamn winning!

  • Crystalclear12

    I bet their history will a lot more interesting that Hilary’s pizza emails.

  • Sardonicuss

    So, I guess I can look forward to slews of “Cheapest Vodka’s” and “Least expensive whiskey” ads along with “Are you living in a totalitarian dystopia?” books…….

  • You’d think with all the sekritsurfung for gaystuff and gaysexytimes in highly conservative enclaves, that the base would be a bit more apprehensive about this, lest their spouses see homo underwear and lubricant ads in their facebooks feed.

  • Hobbes’ Evil Twin

    Someone needs to write a browser bot that just goes to random sites all day when you’re not using your computer. That would make the history pretty much useless and value-less.

    • Creepoman

      That pretty much describes my typical day.

    • God Emperor Emeritus

      Added bonus of eating into their profits by making them shuttle around huge amounts of useless data.

    • BackDoorMan

      … snark? If not… that browser bot already exists. I recently read about two different ones in fact, both in response to this ridiculous legislation. If snark… well played.

  • Lefty Frizzell

    This is a bit of an obvious move in furtherance of a Police State. It’s really not a big step from here to having a shadowy Secret Police knock at the door and use these histories to blackmail pretty much anybody into confessing, testifying or informing.

    No to be too paranoid, but is it time to start wondering just how many in congress and senate are paid or blackmailed Russian agents? Are they all around us?

    • proudgrampa

      In other words, we are truly freakin’ doomed.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Dear Devin Nunes,

    Now would be an excellent time for you to clear your cache of all those Donald Trump and the 19-inch dildo downloads.

    You’re welcome.

    EQ

    • Msgr_MΩment

      As well as his order history from Adam & Steve’s.

      • elviouslyqueer

        That’s where he got his “Real Doll Jared Kushner” on final clearance, obvs.

        • Ron the Baptist

          There was a serious design flaw in those. They weren’t circumcised.

          • Indivisible Snark Tank

            That’s the only flaw with Michelangelo’s David, too.

        • Msgr_MΩment

          Hey! I don’t remember selling you that information!

  • Vincent Ricola

    My internet history is so boring and yawn that I’m embarrassed. I really need to supplement my gardening tips and how-to have perfect dinner party etiquette with some outrageous stuff, my reputation deserves better.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Oh hush up, Martha.

      • janecita

        Martha is good friends with Snoop Dog, I’m sure that her browsing history is très intéressant.

        • elviouslyqueer

          “Try growing a few Purple Urkel and Platinum Girl Scout Cookies plants alongside your oregano and marjoram. They add some nice color and flavor to your herb garden, and the clippings are delicious. It’s a good thing!”

          • Kiri the Unicorn

            “I was driving here tonight … and there was this stupid ice cream
            truck in front of me. ‘Something Good Cream’ or something. And we pulled up right next to it … and a girl and a guy were smoking joints … I said, ‘Boy, those are sloppy joints.'”

            To which she added, “Of course I know how to roll a joint.”

            http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/news/martha-stewart-says-she-can-573438

        • Riley Whodat Venable

          She does have Cred from her time away. I’m bettin’ she has peeps from when she did time as well. I’d be afraid of her peeps.

          • The Wanderer

            Her new line of Designer Shanks should be debuting soon.

          • Riley Whodat Venable

            Probably non-stick ceramic clad.

    • proudgrampa

      Yeah! I don’t want them to know about my frittata recipe searches…

      • Riley Whodat Venable

        Frittatas? Is this 2011?

        • proudgrampa

          Hey! I got a frittata pan and everything! I have to stay on the leading edge of frittata technology!

          • Riley Whodat Venable

            I still have a fondu pot. It is bound to be back in style eventually.

  • Bill D. Burger

    Poor Randy. He’s in trrrrrrrouble’!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BrqVXgMA2oI

  • Chadwells

    My internet history:

    -Wonkette
    -Political Wire

    The end.

    • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

      Mine too. Except several dozen porn sites also too.

      • Chadwells

        HAH! I keep my Porn local!!

        • Ron the Baptist

          Wonk globally.
          Fap locally.

  • Sardonicuss

    Bets on how fast the first: “Secure VPN’s for congressional members and politicians in general” service starts advertising.

    • h4rr4r

      This is how you get their browsing data!

      You sell them that service then use the logs.

  • MynameisBlarney

    Oh for fucking fucks fucking sake!

    http://crooksandliars.com/2017/03/deranged-conspiracy-theories-gop-mega

    I loathe these cretins with every fiber of my being.

    • Ron the Baptist

      I know the Brits have a certain fondness for their home-grown nutburgers, but they really didn’t need to start exporting them, and especially not to a country whose soil encourages their luxuriant and unchecked growth.

      • Ghenghis McCann

        We used to keep most of them in the House of Lords, which acted as a sort of drop in centre for upper class loonies, but the hereditary peers have mostly been kicked out. Lord Monckton was one of them, and is now roaming the world looking for anyone who’ll listen to him.

  • Bill D. Burger

    Worth a repost. Tremkin has the money to carry out his promise.
    Unintended consequences can be a bitch. Listening Congress?

    https://twitter.com/MaxTemkin/status/846437803164684290

    • Chadwells

      From what I think I read this morning…there is a gofundme that has already made $200,000 to do just that

  • Anna Elizabeth, Tifosi Suprema

    I hope whomever buys my history likes BBC, Formula 1 cars, Tiger tanks, and Star Trek.

    In other words, fuck off, GOP, US Gov, and corporate traitors.

    • Longstreet63

      Look, who doesn’t like Tiger tanks?
      I mean the Mark VIE, of course, not that over complicated rolling bunker they called the Tiger II.

      • Anna Elizabeth, Tifosi Suprema

        Yiss! I mean, Tiger II was a rockstar in photos of the Battle of the Bulge, but the good ol’ Tiger E is my fave. I’ve got 3 model kits, a Tamiya early that’s going to be at Kursk, a Tamiya Late for Normandy, and the Platz-boxed Dragon Early that is for the “Girls und Panzer” anime. It even came with the girl commender figure. :)

        • Longstreet63

          There just something about that big square impenetrable box look that looks way more intimidating than something designed to deflect shells.
          The Tiger says “Here I am. Take your best shot.”

          • Anna Elizabeth, Tifosi Suprema

            Yep! Oh, my first finished “army” for Flames of War is my Schwere-SS Tigerkompanie in 1/100 scale. 6 Tiger Es with Ace skills. No flexibility, but the force literally dares the opponent to “Take your best shot”.

          • Anna Elizabeth, Tifosi Suprema

            Just so Nopony thinks I’m a closet Nazi, I also have Tamiya M26 Pershing and M4A3E8 Sherman, and hopefully my next FoW force will be British Guards Armoured. Sherman Firefly, Baby! :D

          • Longstreet63

            The firefly was awesome.
            I will add at this time that I have touched a T-34/85 with my own hands.

          • Anna Elizabeth, Tifosi Suprema

            I’m jelly! :D

            I’ve been aboard an M801 Improved TOW Vehicle at the State Fair.

          • The Wanderer

            The Army donated a captured Iraqi T-55 to the USS Alabama memorial park. You could almost put your fist in the holes left by the HEAT rounds.

          • Longstreet63

            If the hole is fist sized, wouldn’t that be sabot?

          • The Wanderer

            Probably. I may have misspoken. I was at the exhibit back in 2009.

          • Longstreet63

            It is at this point I remind us all that you can buy a nicely refurbed T-55 online for under $10K. Although delivery is extra.
            After all, all those newly NATO freeloaders have a lot of those things on hand.

          • Anna Elizabeth, Tifosi Suprema

            If I could, I’d one, those are cool tanks!

          • Longstreet63

            My apologies, I underestimated the pricing, but window shopping it still fun!
            http://www.mortarinvestments.eu/products/tanks-2#currency=USD

          • Anna Elizabeth, Tifosi Suprema

            No probs, it’s no more out-of-reach at $45000, and now I have a cool link to enjoy. :) I wonder if I could afford a Tanker’s helmet, anyway?

          • Longstreet63

            On that note, I will just brag that I own a Soviet Rifle officer cap as well as a French Foreign Legion Kepi.
            Because my ex wife did birthday presents very well.

          • Anna Elizabeth, Tifosi Suprema

            Jelly again! :D The tanker’s helmet is like $105, so not out-of-reach once I get moving expenses and such behind me.

            SRSLY, that Kepi must be a prized possession. :D

      • Ron the Baptist

        German tank design really did lose the plot as the war wound down. Remember the Maus? A tank so big it couldn’t use any bridge in Europe, so it was designed to drive along the bottoms of rivers.

        • Anna Elizabeth, Tifosi Suprema

          I like the curved-barrel attachment for machine guns they were trying.

          • Longstreet63

            It worked fine for their proto assault rifles. Great for street fighting.
            One just had to remember to take it off after.

          • Anna Elizabeth, Tifosi Suprema

            OOh, bring a glove, I bet!

        • Longstreet63

          That wasn’t the only supertank design, but it’s a bit symptomatic. To deal with the volume of enemy production that they couldn’t match, they needed to build significantly more effective tanks, but to do that, they made them complex, thus slowing production even more.
          The best way to kill advanced German armor was to wait a little while until they broke down and were abandoned.
          That’s where the museum tanks came from, mostly. The Patton
          Museum at Fort Knox has a very good collection, and there’s a private collector here in Indiana I’ve visited that has some nice pieces as well.
          /gush

          • Anna Elizabeth, Tifosi Suprema

            Oh, that sounds like a marvelous time. :) I know the British have an operable Tiger E at Duxford. They got her in Tunisia, I think she was a breakdown, or if she was knocked out, she didn’t burn.

        • OddMan

          The M1 Abrams comes in at around 72 tons. I’ve wondered about it’s ability to cross bridges.

          • Ron the Baptist

            Perhaps that’s why so many recent wars have been fought in deserts.

      • Riley Whodat Venable

        Always a Panzer IV man myself. Good power/wt ratio. Solid armor, and a 75mm gun.

        • The Wanderer

          I want to build a Renault PT-17, just to take jaunts around the neighborhood and freak out the neighbors.

          • Anna Elizabeth, Tifosi Suprema

            That would be both awesome and hilarious.

          • Longstreet63

            And…that collector I mentioned elsewhere has one of those. And also a Ford 3 ton, from back when people were still figuring out what a tank should be.
            So, yeah. Touched it!

          • Anna Elizabeth, Tifosi Suprema

            Oh, I had forgotten, I’ve touched an M3 Halftrack at the Weisbrod Museaum, and I also got to go aboard the H-34 that pulled Alan Shepard out of the water on his Spaceflight. :)

        • Anna Elizabeth, Tifosi Suprema

          I have a couple of kits of those, and 3 Panzer IIIs as well: G,J, and a K.

    • Gayer Than Thou

      When they sell my data, someone somewhere is going to learn a lot about college wrestlers.

  • Michael R
  • Tennessee Rain

    I’m starting to think those preppers might be on to something.

  • Cranky Man

    This will create jobs. More English “speaking” tech support folks in Mumbai trying to help you configure your VPN.

    • OddMan

      “Hi, this is Bruce. I see from your web history that you are really into watching MILF videos. Would you like to purchase AT@T new VPN add on?”

  • Creepoman

    So, uh, how far back do you ‘spose they will be allowed to look? Asking for a friend.

    • janecita

      How long has the Internet been around?

  • A lot of conservative wives are going to start seeing a whole lot of cock in their family facebook feeds when this is enacted. “Honey, what does barebacking bears mean?” Ads for ginch gonch underwear will start to appear on conservative mommy blogs. Ads for the Jesus Jackhammer will show up on the church website. Pop-ups will offer poppers with every click! Fuck this is gonna be great!

  • Msgr_MΩment

    All right, in the spirit of the Ratfucklicans wishing to doxx us all, I present a nice little physics vid of what you guys were geeking out to yesterday afternoon, plus one I recorded this a.m.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a8fZSgXKcdY
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vssvkcn4TOc&t=53s
    Enjoy, ya geeks.

  • MeerkatsRMammals

    Three things…One: Korean snail moisturizer? Aww…hell no! I frequently get to test things at home. I tested some brand (usually blind items) a few years back. I don’t have sensitive skin, but this shit not only made me break out like a teenager, it also made me break out in a bright red rash! Deux: the Adam McElhaney dude is creator of Cards Against Humanity. Oh, how I love that horrible game! Finally, C: fuck everything about the gov’t getting/seeing/selling my personal info! Especially considering GOP’s constant screaming about smaller government…bastards!

    • Msgr_MΩment

      I simply spray-mist water on my Korean snails. Duh.

  • Ron the Baptist

    Never have I been happier to have installed ad-blockers, that I regularly cycle my IP address, and that my ISP has some VERY aggressive spam filters.

  • resistance_fighter_rosenbomb

    Well, I’m assuming this goes hand-in-hand with cracking down on death threats and rape threats to women online, right? Riiiight??

    Oh, there’s no profit in that. Never mind!

  • Longstreet63

    I hope this doesn’t queer this sweet deal I have with the Nigerian Finance Minister…

  • Thaumaturgist

    selling internet histories will benefit the consumer because unternet service providers will be able to lower the cost of service to the consumer since the’re getting all this extra revenue

  • mancityRed6

    At home I’m usually on google chrome, on a chromebook, going through google fiber service, so I don’t have to worry about this.
    They already know everything I do.

    • writersbloc

      Basically this. Really hope it doesn’t get out that as a married 37 year-old I still play video games and spend about 10 minutes a month on Pornhub…. oh shit…

      Not to say I condone this legislation, like Telecomms need another revenue stream for their crap utility.

    • puredog

      I just read an article that said one could simply enable HTTPS everywhere and use the Opera browser which has an internal VPN setting and, voila, avoid this problem. Such things are above my pay grade; dunno if there’s any validity to this approach. And also too, moving my bookmarks to Opera would be a really daunting proposition (I’m sure it’s easy enough to import them, but they are majorly screwed up).

      • Anna Elizabeth, Tifosi Suprema

        I moved to Opera yesterday, it’s funny about importing bookmarks from Firefox, but my bookmarks are a mess too.

  • Chadwells
  • boyblue122

    Minnesota senate blocks ISPs from selling browser history by a 58-9 vote

    https://twitter.com/buyvpnservice/status/847332660657627138

    • Shanzgood

      Well, lots of states are saying “fuck you” to this administration, aren’t they?

      How you like them “state’s rights” now, mufukkas?

    • Logic of Color

      PIA is rated best VPN on LIfehacker. Search VPN services Lifehacker.

      • boyblue122

        ah cool, thanks

      • OddMan

        Memezilla turned me on to this article. It is going to get very popular to set up one of these.
        The Best VPN Services of 2017, PC Mag
        http://www.pcmag.com/article2/0,2817,2403388,00.asp

        • I managed to get a lifetime subscription to VPN.Asia (rated 4.1/5 so decent) for $60 recently (typically, the lifetime subs cost over $1000, so that was a helluva deal). Keep your eyes open for shiz like that my friends :)

    • chortlingdingo

      And how long before our Republican overlords try to pass something that would prevent states from doing this?

  • I am watching Stephen Fry assemble an Ikea desk.

    • Martini Ambassador 🍸

      Kinky!

    • DerrickWildcat

      Oh dear.

    • Crank Tango

      I saw Stephen and thought Hawking and that might be better.

  • Chadwells

    Meh…I got a Cujo, ghostery, etc etc etc. the Cujo kinda freaks me out because it’s a company run by a bunch of Russians….but I use it anyway because fuckit.

    • Sardonicuss

      Have been running Ghostery for years. Works really good in conjunction with Spybot search and destroy, which has immunization.

  • ThePuckStopsHere

    I heard that during the debate on this bill a congressman said, “If anybody can go outside and find three people who support this idea I will vote for the bill.” I wish they actually had done that. I doubt three persons could have been found.

  • Belasaurius

    so once we buy all these republicans internet history, how much of it will consist of some variation of “horses” and “women”?

    • Crank Tango

      Femtaur pr0n is so hot right now.

      • MynameisBlarney

        What about half-horse half centaur pr0nz?

        http://i.imgur.com/RHHbzFw.jpg

        • Kiri the Unicorn

          I’ll be in my bunk.

      • mardam422

        Oh, man. I am so there.

    • chortlingdingo

      “Russian to English dictionary”

  • canes_pugnaces

    Apparently, and this is news to me, the freedom loving GOPers (unlike the commie left) have a penchant for being spied upon. Because, after all, if you’re really going to be proper Russian, you need to be properly spied upon.

    • Jeffery Campbell

      Because, after all, if you’re really going to be proper Russian, you need to be properly PEED upon.
      FIFY

  • boyblue122

    There have to be lawsuits waiting to be filed against this. 4th amendment anyone?

  • Lance Thrustwell

    Mcelhaney is up to over $150k in 4 days. But who’s guaranteeing that Verizon or whoever is going to sell him the info he’s looking for? They’re not obligated to, right?

    And if they won’t, then what’s he gonna do with that moolah?

    • boyblue122

      save up the money to outbid Penthouse for the pee-pee tape? if he passes $1M that is

      • mardam422

        Dear Penthouse. I never thought this would happen to me. But there I was, a middle-aged beauty pageant owner in a strange city.

        • boyblue122

          the hotel ran out of hot water… i swear..its the only reason i hired the girls

    • resistance_fighter_rosenbomb

      I read this to get some background. There likely won’t be a system where private citizens can just go in and buy data, so hopefully he donates it to a charity or something. https://techcrunch.com/2017/03/29/gofundme-buy-browser-history-mcelhaney/

  • proudgrampa

    Well, maybe we got someone to watch over us…

    https://youtu.be/X60rq1jwyP4

  • writersbloc

    Oh man, that GoFundMe is great, but it can’t possibly work that way right? Like is the data really assigned to a person/IP address that you can just openly buy?

    • Sardonicuss

      I imagine they can buy up localized IP’s by region or town or area. So…a lot of Virginia and DC?
      * You can already do this. Witness articles such as: Which state watchs the most porn? and What are the most common porn search terms by state?

      • writersbloc

        I see, probably wouldn’t be that hard to find IP addresses for these clowns and figure it out from there if you were so inclined?

        • Sardonicuss

          In reality…nowdays..not very hard at all. Right down to the street address.

    • resistance_fighter_rosenbomb

      Correct. I don’t think there’s a feasible system where you could go in an say “I need all the data for writersbloc NOW!” Aggregate data, probably, but will that be accessible to your average consumer? We don’t know.

      I’m hoping he donates to a charity that advocates for privacy or something.

  • Mavenmaven

    You just know Trump and other proto-fascists want this information, and not for “advertising” purposes.

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    I’d like to see somebody try to make money off my browsing history! Y’all let me know if there’s profit in searches for “how to express my dogs’ anal glands” and “why does everything I plant have to get dug up by my stupid dog?” Yes, I do have too many dogs, why do you ask?

    • Sardonicuss

      Does eating sticks and rocks hurt my dog? Why does my dog eat sticks and rocks?
      Is my dog “insane”?

      • canes_pugnaces

        Google view: Why does my dog howl at sirens? Is my dog a wolf? Do wolves live in NYC?

        Ad View: American Werewolf on DVD.

  • mardam422

    I sent McElhaney money. I suggest you do so, too. After sending some to Wonkette, of course. After all, Wonkababby isn’t getting into Harvard on a legacy scholarship.

    • boyblue122

      i thought the cards against humanity co-founder was going to do it without a kickstarter

      • Shanzgood

        How is it even possible to buy an individual’s browser history? Can they DO that?

        • boyblue122

          honestly have no idea

  • Riley Whodat Venable

    Look all you Commies. How can you say privacy has a value unless you sell it. The way Capitalism determines the worth of anything, including ideas, is to see what price the draw.
    I bet you want your phones to be private also too? And Single Payer health care. And Free Government Education.
    America can’t work unless someone scams someone else out of their money.

    /s

    • mardam422

      Judging by the number of scammy phone calls I’ve been getting lately, America is working quite nicely.

      • Zyxomma

        I just got a call from a recording saying my student loan qualifies for a new program … I’ve never taken a student loan. I hung up before the pitch.

        • mardam422

          So far this week, I’ve won a lottery I didn’t enter, gotten a government grant I didn’t apply for, and won a trip to Hawaii just for being me!!!

  • MynameisBlarney
  • Bill D. Burger

    Prophetic classic. “Every move you make / Every breath you take….”

    “Corportocracy / Government are watching YOU.”

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OMOGaugKpzs

  • Paperless Tiger

    Republican ideology is win-win. The base elects them to be pro-business, and the businesses pay them for favors, generally a chance to exploit the base for profit. The base never realizes they are being sold out. They think they’re gonna get some trickle.

  • Red Bird Ω

    My prediction. The threats to reveal the search histories of the congressmen never materializes. Also, it isn’t that hard to figure out that most of them spend their time on the white supremacist and MRA sites. Their search histories would only confirm it.

  • Lance Thrustwell

    I have nothing to worry about, because there is nothing remotely embarrassing about any of my Internet browsing habits, you perverts.

    Now, can we get back to that bridge deal I was telling you about?

    • therblig

      as soon as my nigerian treasury check clears, i’d be very interested.

  • Spurning Beer

    I sent my ISP an email last night telling them that if they don’t pick up the task of assuring my privacy, I will look for an ISP that will. I also suggested that they might reap huge PR benefits from being privacy protectors.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      That’s true! That’s a good point. Unfortunately, it’s probably the case that the profits to be had from selling user histories completely outstrips any potential profits from an increased customer base. The latter requires investment in infrastructure and customer support; the former does not.

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    I would bet good (for now) American dollars that 90% of the republican assholes who voted for this bill spent not one second wondering whether it would lead to a totalitarian state in which the government is privy to everything its citizens do, and that if they had, they would have shrugged and voted for it anyway.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      If the holy Free Market is your overriding paradigm and priority, then concerns like ‘privacy’ are covered by two principles – 1) ‘buyer beware’, and 2) if there’s a demand for Internet privacy, just like anything else, then the market will eventually make a separate, profitable service available.

      In other words, privacy is no longer a right; now it’s a commodity.

    • DrBigHead

      Of course, ’cause its good for business.

  • mardam422

    I like all porn. ‘specially the girl on girl kind. You know, where they grab each other by the pussy and stuff.

  • AJ Milne

    … on the bright side, I had no _idea_ you could get velvet-lined handcuffs in so many colours.

  • geoffalnutt

    A good while ago (Wonkette) mentioned hamster-porn. Well, believe it or not…it exists! I actually looked into it. The titles are pretty stupid, the music is silly, you can’t tell the male from the female – and they’re over way too fast. No sooner had I’d pressed “play” and I was watching the closing credits. Maybe The Republicans will have better luck.

    • The Wanderer

      (giggles) You so silly.

    • Robyn Pennacchia

      Best actual thing is the descriptions for quicksand porn. Also the studio that makes it will let you travel there to make your VERY OWN quicksand porn.

  • Shanzgood

    I do not think anybody would make ANY money trying to sell me products based on my porn viewing habits.

    • The Wanderer

      I’m a notoriously hard sell, and ignore web ads.

      • Shanzgood

        Oh, I click stuff all the time. Amazon knows exactly what shoes I like.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Ha! Me either. Not because I don’t watch it, but rather because the kind I like involves no clothing, toys, kink gear, etc. What’re they going to sell me – people?

      • theblackdog

        Vanilla extract

        • Shanzgood

          Ouch!

        • Lance Thrustwell

          Ooohh…

      • BrianW

        Depending on where your phone thinks you are, quite possibly so.

    • Zyxomma

      Mine either. I don’t watch porn.

  • Just wait, next fall the Girl Scouts will be out in front of your local grocery store with a new flavor of cookie, “Old Time Internets”.

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    Instead of crowd-funding buying up congresscritters’ browsing history, we need to be crowdfunding somebody with the smarts to set up an ISP that refuses to spy on its customers, that offers as-near-100% security as you can get, and that is available everywhere in this country. Whoever figures that out first will be the next Bill Gates, while the ones who are complicit in the rape of our privacy go down in infamy.

    • Shanzgood

      They might promise not to sell it but can they promise it’ll never get subpoenaed by our Congresscrackers?

    • Lance Thrustwell

      For now, though, use a VPN + Tor. (Or Freenet, etc.)

      • boyblue122

        isnt a VPN like logging into another remote computer. So that all the ISP sees is you logging into that computer

    • Longstreet63

      Congratulations, you’ve just found the new home of 4Chan.

  • The Flaming Carrot

    Not necessarily porn, but definitely involving pussies . . .

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GxEHi6Mlzmk

    • The Wanderer
    • John Resistant Tovarich Smith

      Your browsing history must be entertaining!

      • mardam422

        What’s Larry Fine doing with all those cats?

      • The Flaming Carrot

        I try to keep the NSA on its toes.

  • Undocumented Skwerl!

    It’s already starting this ad just popped up when I was searching for… um… yacht insurance.

    Hello Fellow Snarker and Endangered Tiger Organ Harvested Penis Thickener User,

    Scientific test have proven that people who love to snark, love the great taste of spider eggs found in Bubble Yum brand bubble gum!

    http://straightstoned.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/08/bubbleyum.jpg

    • SnarkON

      Kentucky Fried Rat Urban Myth libel!

  • Ghenghis McCann

    Never mind people trying to sell me stuff after looking at my porn viewing habits. Once i bought a USB thumb drive from Amazon and was told that I might be interested in an “Art Photography” book consisting of nude pictures of African women. I still haven’t been able to work out a connection between the two.

    • theblackdog

      Richard Spencer types hiding it so their kids/wives don’t stumble across it on their computer?

    • Anna Elizabeth, Tifosi Suprema

      Usually my Amazon recs are pretty good, but every once in a while they come up with a WTF? like that.

      • Ghenghis McCann

        I suspect I was only the second person to buy that USB thumb drive and this was one of the “other people who have bought this item” recommendations.

        • Anna Elizabeth, Tifosi Suprema

          That would make sense.

  • Logic of Color

    I shit you all not, three of us were talking about Starbucks yesterday, just talking, and immediately afterwards a Starbucks ad showed up in an article I was reading on my phone. I’ve never typed the word “Starbucks” and I haven’t done any coffee-related searches in recent memory. I’ve never seen a coffee-related ad until then. Weird.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      {laughs nervously} Well, that’s just a coincidence, see?

      • Rick Hill

        Unless you’re in China it proly was

    • theblackdog

      Do you have the Facebook app? Rumor has it they engage in this though Facebook denies they would ever do such a thing, even though you can give them permission to use your mic for things like voice searches.

      • Logic of Color

        I do. hmmm…may have to run some experiments

      • Shanzgood

        If that’s true, I’d be seeing some very bizarre ads lately.

      • The Flaming Carrot

        They do. I clicked on a friend of a friend’s FB page because he was saying some fairly RWNJ things and I had a sense of morbid curiousity. For days after that, I received ads from an organization called “Friends of the Confederate Flag.”

        • theblackdog

          Yeah, clicking through will cause that because they interpret that as you might be interested. It’s creepier though if they are secretly turning on the mic to see if they can catch what you’re saying to someone.

    • canes_pugnaces

      Just an idea: talk to your friends about winning the lottery, or free trips to Bora Bora.

    • boyblue122

      do you have your location tracker on your phone activated. The locator that the weather channel app uses to give the local weather

    • BrianW

      Not just you. My wife and I were driving the other day, and in the middle of our discussion, one of the phones suddenly said, “if you said something I didn’t hear what it was. ” Freaked us right out, it did.

    • SnarkON

      The solution is to completely confuse Big Brother by speaking entirely in word salad from now on, like Sarah Palin or Trump.

    • That’s rather creepy.

      My phone creeped me out a while back. I was just listening to music, and then heard this really dark, not nice laugh from somewhere. It really freaked me out, until I realised it was just the notification sound for The Simpsons: Tapped Out Halloween event. That was an odd experience.

  • Shoto

    What if the patented Porn Doubler app is installed on the device? Will that throw them off the trail?

  • Duke

    When I think about it, can they predict what I want to watch next?

    That’d be helpful. I’ve got my hands full.

  • Rick Hill

    Or, say, you are researching m(r)a-n babies and you start getting a lot of marketing for tissues, lotion and Russian brides? Sorry, Robyn going to suck to be you.

  • MynameisBlarney
  • WiscoJoe

    Hypothetical questions… Could the NSA/FBI/Mayberry PD just purchase someone’s entire web history from an ISP rather than get a search warrant or go through a FISA court? And if so, would libertarians be like “Grrrr, Big Brother!” or would they be more like “Yeah, Free Market!”?

    • beingreleased

      Someone is trying to find that out:
      https://www.gofundme.com/BuyCongressData

      This GoFundMe will pay to purchase the data of Donald Trump and every Congressperson who voted for SJR34, and to make it publicly available.

  • SnarkON

    By your Internet browsing history, Robyn, it is clear that you do not need Korean snail-based moisturizing products but in fact need to go see an actual dermatologist.

    • The snail-based products aren’t as good as the ones made from the products of the local abortionplex.

    • Robyn Pennacchia

      INCORRECT. My skin is just a little dry due to chlorine and I am simply hypervigilant about skin care and a proper nightly cleansing and moisturizing routine. Also, everyone needs Korean snail-based moisturizing products.

      • SnarkON

        :) Still a good derm is your friend. And Obamacare pays for it!

      • The Flaming Carrot

        I can’t even swim in the winter or I risk a 2-week long itchfest.

  • OddMan

    One way to beat this is by setting up a VPN, or Virtual Private Network. I am learning how.
    What I was wondering as a good Capitalist, is how to monetize this. A ton of people will be setting up VPN’s now. Is there a company to buy stock in that does this, or should some enterprising young entrepreneur set up a business to set up a VPN for us troglodytes.

    • There are a number of companies that offer VPN services, and some for a relatively low price. TorrentFreak has a pretty comprehensive listing. The one I use was a snap to set up, and reasonably priced.

    • Darkest Timeline Zach Morris

      VPNs are shocking and plentiful, and many are running deals right now. I have VPN Unlimited, it works great.

      • Darkest Timeline Zach Morris

        Shocking? WTF Zach. I meant shockingly effective.

  • Hairstrike Alpha

    Ted Cruz’s search history involves locating massive amounts of Chunky and finding out the deets for his coming remora spawning/reunion

  • starfanglednut

    Can the cell companies now sell your browsing history on your phone?

    • Résistance Land Shark Ω

      Yes.

  • Maclare

    Could someone Lawsplainer to me how the executive order can state that there’s no backsies on this? That no future order can reverse this? What?

    • tomamitai

      I thought it was a bill in Congress?

    • FukuiSanYesOta

      Yeah, it’s congress, not an EO. Congressional review act or some shit. It’d only ever been used once before shitgibbon got in.

      • Maclare

        Ok that makes more sense.

  • tomamitai

    These repugnicants, holding a bare majority solely because of Gerrymandering, sure seem to be following this advice from Georges Danton: “De l’audace, encore de l’audace, toujours de l’audace et la Patrie sera sauvée! (Some audacity, more audacity, always audacity and the Fatherland will be saved!)” Well, they’d be poor students of history if they forgot what happened to him. [with votes] ;)

    • Zyxomma

      I didn’t know the source of that Patton quote. Thanks.

    • Bitter Scribe

      Unfortunately, neither the Fatherland nor Danton’s head was saved.

  • gamera23
  • Jan Ness

    I think they’d failed to realized it will be their ISP info too.

  • theblackdog

    The problem I have with McElhaney’s idea is involving the families, especially if it ends up involving kids. It does expose what is a serious problem here, who is browsing at the time of capture?

  • Jamoche

    You’d think “civil rights groups” and “Received Donations From ISPs” are phrases that should not be in the same sentence: https://consumerist.com/2017/03/29/civil-rights-groups-that-received-donations-from-isps-spoke-out-against-internet-privacy/#more-10273512
    Civil Rights Groups That Received Donations From ISPs Spoke Out Against Internet Privacy

    • alpacapunchbowl

      C’mon, you know that words don’t mean what you think they mean anymore.

  • HorseChestnut

    Since when are “consumer choice” and “ISP’s” even in the same country?

  • TJ Barke

    Massive abuse of surveillance power by government: Tranny!
    Massive abuse of surveillance power by corporations: Libety!
    Why can’t you libtards understand that! ?

  • An Outhouse for the Resistance

    Google differentiates between users of the same computer. Does your ISP or will everyone who uses your computer start getting ads for crotchless panties?

  • An Outhouse for the Resistance

    The only bill the GOP can get passed is written by lobbyists and handed to them along with a wad of cash.

    • Suttree

      But I’m sure it wouldn’t be considered quid pro quo.

  • Krombopulous Pichael

    legislation like this is really fuckin unbelievable… it really highlights the level to which these fuckers are BOUGHT and paid for by corporations..

    because seriously, what citizen was complaining about this as an issue ? this did not arise from legislators responding to their constituents.. this ONLY benefits corporations, and only fucks over regular people, and it gets priority on its way through congress.. they arent even PRETENDING to care about people anymore… amazing

    moneez out of politix now!

  • Suttree

    I hope that all of the gun nuts are shitting their pants right now. Hey guys! All of your substitute penis masturbation will now be known so that the U.N. knows who’s doors to kick down.

  • alpacapunchbowl

    I heard the Cards Against Humanity people (or maybe just the main guy) are also pledging to purchase and publish the search histories of the congresscritters who voted for this turkey. It makes me happy to know they’re on our side.

  • Gayer Than Thou

    Wasn’t Rockwell Michael Jackson’s boyfriend? Allegedly, or with votes, or whatever?

    • He was certainly his “discovery”. Such a huge talent, that Rockwell. How could Jackson not produce his album?

      • Cliff Hendroval

        He was also Berry Gordy’s son, so he was first in line for a contract, advances, payola money, etc.

  • Jennifer R

    I love how the Grand Old Pedophiles’ best argument is: “How will you know to buy this shit you neither needed or wanted?”

  • Gayer Than Thou

    Sort of interesting how, in the Property First party, my browser history – which is created by and about me – isn’t mine to sell.

    • James Yakura

      Potential lawsuit idea: wait a year, then sue for copyright infringement.

    • laineypc

      This, this and this. All the this.

  • Daniel Hooper

    Great; now I’m going to start getting ads for Bad Dragon when I’m trying to watch videos with my Old Lady, aren’t I?

  • William
  • William
  • Bitter Scribe

    Stephen Colbert had a great point about this last night:

    Is there ONE SINGLE PERSON in the entire United States, other than ISPs and their potential customers for this data, who wanted this to happen?

    • HazooToo

      Out of all the things I have never heard someone say, “I wish there were more internet ads” is not one of them. And I’ve heard someone say “I’m getting really tired of this orgasm!”

  • Scrofula

    Proof congress has no idea how the internet works. You KNOW some of those GOP critters have some NASTY search histories. Why couldn’t Wonkette just incorporate and purchase them?

  • capnkrunch

    This is one of those things that starts off sounding terrible and is actually much worse than it sounds. There are reasonable countermeasures against most privacy invasions. Browser plugins do a good job blocking tracking scripts, blocking third-party cookies has been built into browsers for years, you can use DuckDuckGo or Disconnect to keep searches private, there’s even simple plugins for more esoteric stuff like browser fingerprinting (many links below).

    But you cannot hide traffic from your ISP short of using TOR or a VPN. This means you either need to pony up the cash for a VPN, deal with the inherent slowness of TOR (good luck streaming your 4K UHD 3D VR porn over TOR), or accept that the GOP just sold your privacy for pennies (I think I remember somewhere that your profiles are worth like 10 dollars to advertisers). Not to be overdramatic but this is among the top worst possible things to happen for your privacy (I’d hazard that it is actually the second worst; first being ISPs requiring you to install self-signed certs as part of your service agreement).

    Resources:
    privacytools.io (good general reference about privacy)
    FireFox Privacy Addons
    uBlock Origin
    NoScript
    How To Disable 3rd Party Cookies
    DuckDuckGo
    Disconnect Search
    Panopticlick (learn about browser fingerprinting)
    Random Agent Spoofer
    TOR Project
    List of VPN Providers

    • laineypc

      I guess it’s off to the library computers for the porn now.

  • Panika MCD

    “yes, I would like to have more ads in my life!” said no one ever. even the family dog opposes this bill.

  • whitroth

    Let’s see if I remember, this evening, to search for the several stories over the last five or eight years, about people taking pics of US and UK legislators from the gallery… and noting the pr0n on their legislative laptop and mobile phone screens….

  • Greyhame

    McElhaney is my new personal hero.

  • The guy sees dodgy. Both the Cards Against Humanity guy and Mischa Collins are more widely known to be reliable, so it anyone is going to donate give to their similar collections instead.

    And then, you know, Wonkette!

  • persistently_resistant_gayby

    Oh good – so I’m going to see more Sean Cody ads (I get it – they’re very very straight and very very horny) that I didn’t ask for.

    Fucking hell America.

  • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

    Obama also said he believed in gravity.
    I wonder what law repubs will be repealing next?

  • Kitty Smith

    You know what amuses me? That Trump’s brownshirt-wannabes have sad boners about this.

    As much as I hate this, I can’t help but think… hey, what happened to the Brownshirts?

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