Morning Wonketariat! Here’s some of the things we may be talking about today.
- FBI director James Comey and NSA director Adm. Mike Rogers will testify today before the House Intelligence Committee, where they’ll try to dodge questions about Russian dickery during the election.
- Trump was up early this morning to tweet another tantrum about stopping the leaky faucet of super secret info spilling out from government agencies.
- Trump’s White House has been installing its own spies to monitor cabinet secretaries’ loyalty to Trump and his talking points.
- SCOTUS confirmation hearings for Neil Gorsuch will begin today, and it’s anyone’s guess what will happen, though most of the good stuff probably won’t happen until tomorrow when questioning finally begins.
- Companies have two weeks to submit proposals for the Tortilla Curtain, acceptable bids should be “aesthetically pleasing,” yet “physically imposing in height.”
- Trump’s military strategy is to let the Pentagon do whatever the fuck it wants, otherwise he’d actually have to learn acronyms, policy, weapon systems, geography, and international laws, as well as make life and death decisions like an actual leader.
- Military branches are beginning to roll out new social media policies for soldiers in the wake of a nude photo scandal, but the military’s finding it tough to drill the idea of sexual equality into jarheads.
- The Air Force is about to finish an Obama-era policy that scaled down ICBMs, but SSHHHH! Don’t tell Trump or Tillerson about nuclear nonproliferation!
- President Bannon’s lifelong wetdream of deconstructing the administrative state will be kicked into overdrive if Trump’s budget is enacted, and that’s scaring the hell out of federal workers and policy wonks in Washington.
- Ted Cruz will personally save TrumpCare from all the Freedom Caucus crazies who think poor sick people should die by reminding them that they can’t get elected if they let their constituency die.
- Kellyanne Conway’s husband, George Conway III, has been tapped to lead the Justice Department’s civil division where he’ll get to defend things like the Tortilla Curtain, the
Muslim bantravel ban, and ethics violations. He’ll be a very busy boy!
- Republicans have been avoiding town halls so their constituents started holding their own, complete with literal empty suit effigies!
- Joni Ernst strapped on her bread bags and marched to a town hall where she was booed after saying Betsy DeVos had been “carefully vetted.”
- U.S. officials have started vetting refugees at an Australian camp, they must not have gotten Trump’s tweet about it being a “dumb deal.”
- Foreign Policy experts think Chinese President Xi Jinping bent Rex Tillerson over an oil barrel and showed him who’s boss after he used specific phrases to describe the meeting and declined to criticize China’s policies.
- Trump’s White House doesn’t want to tell you whether or not Trump snuck away to Mar-a-Lago to play some golf this weekend, and they are asking the public not to believe Twitter photos of people golfing with Trump at Mar-a-Lago.
- The yacht belonging to Trump’s bestest friend and financier, Robert Mercer, was spotted in the Virgin Islands oddly close to the yacht of Dmitry Rybolovlev, the sketchy Russian oligarch who bought Trump’s Palm Beach mansion in 2008 for an absurd amount of money. COINCIDENCE? Maybe.
- Tomi Lahren went on teevee to talk about defending her vagina from the government with all her guns.
- Poor snowflake Tim Allen was on late night teevee grunting how hard it is to be a Republican Hollywood has-been, likening it to 1930s Germany.
- Here’s your late night wrap-up! John Oliver ‘Splainered the federal budget; and Bill Maher sat down with Jake Tapper, and then Andrew Sullivan bitched and complained to Sen. Sheldon Whitehouse and Barney Franks.
- And here’s your morning Nice Time! POLAR BEAR cubs!
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