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Lighthouse Baptist Church in Fayetteville, Arkansas, has taken to annoying some of its neighbors by going door to door and dropping off fliers. Fliers for a church bake sale or pot-luck? Hahahaha no. Do not be silly.

These fliers are about the gays, and God’s opinion of them. “Does God Love Homosexuals?” the flier asks.

BUT ALAS. It is a trick question.

“This is a flawed question, there are no such things as Homosexuals.”

Portrait of Jimmy Stuart, with a gay

The flier then goes on to explain that while everyone is definitely heterosexual, some of these heterosexual people choose to sin by having same-sex relationships. You know, because it’s totally possible to just change your orientation by sheer force of will — and, surely, lots of people out there are more than happy to choose a sexual orientation that can lead to being discriminated against by their family members and local bakers and also this dumb church. For reasons.

The good news, of course, is that God — who is totally not imaginary — loves all sinners. And that Pastor Paul Caldwell of Lighthouse Baptist Church also loves all the LGBT people, even though they don’t exist. He loves them so much that he is willing to tell them that God doesn’t like the sex they are having. Isn’t that nice?

Fayetteville’s NBC Affiliate reports:

“Our church loves the LGBT community, hence the reason we have decided since Spring 2014 to reach out to them. This is just another avenue we are trying,” Caldwell says.

Pastor Caldwell says these flyers are not mean to convince those who have made their mind up about this issue, but instead for those confused about the Christian response.

“To them it is simply a reminder that God loves them, and if I were to truly love them then I must tell them the truth,” Caldwell said.

So loving! So much love for all the gay imaginary friends he has! Who probably didn’t even know that they could choose to be heterosexual if they wanted, or that having sex with people they are not even attracted to, for the purposes of entering the kingdom of heaven, was even an option.

You see, this kind of perspective is very convenient for people like Pastor Paul Caldwell. If they are shitty to gay people, it doesn’t count as them not being loving, because you cannot be shitty to something that is imaginary. Try being mean to leprechauns! I dare you! You cannot do it! It is impossible.

Caldwell’s daughter, by the by, is currently being courted by none other than Joseph Duggar! Oh what a beautiful melding of families.

[Joe My God]

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  • msanthropesmr

    Many of my friends are imaginary. Like all of you that comment here, for example.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      I am not!

      Or did you just think I said that?

    • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

      Mine too! Although probably for a different reason.

    • snark-lurker

      these are not the commentarians you’re looking for

    • Undocumented Skwerl!

      I am a sentient spam bot.I have no evidence that your world exists.

      • Rick Hill

        Wait. You’re a spambot, too? What about everyone else? They all spambots? Damn…

        • Fun with Cthulhu

          Everybody on the internet is a bot, except you! Mazeltov!

    • Rick Hill

      That’s what I like about you guys. If you were real, I’d be too nervous to be even half as funny as I am

    • Cock Blockula

      What comments? There is no such thing as comments. There you go imagining things again!

    • Celtic_Gnome

      I’m not imaginary. I’m just made up.

  • msanthropesmr

    God loves you but not the icky sex things that you do.

    • tomamitai

      Didn’t he invent those things so people would shout his name out?

  • h4rr4r

    Why can’t these folks and the penny saver folks be charged with littering?

    • tomamitai

      At least the pennysaver pays for postage.

      • h4rr4r

        Not around here. They have some rando deliver it.

  • Zonath

    You know who else doesn’t exist?

    • MynameisBlarney

      The Jeebus?
      Any deity you can name?

    • msanthropesmr

      Jesus, Buddha and the wizard of Oz?

      • MynameisBlarney

        Pretty sure Buddha was actually alive around 2600 years ago.
        Siddharta Guatama.

        • msanthropesmr

          According to my high school Latin teacher, Jesus probably was real too, in the sense that some dude named Jesus was alive then and did some cool things.

          • MynameisBlarney

            If so, he was a Prestidigitator, a Snake Oil Salesman and very very charismatic.

            But, his “origin story” was ripped off from at least half a dozen others that were around long before his story got popular.

          • msanthropesmr

            Its the same as my origin story. And Superman’s.

          • MynameisBlarney

            But not Spiderman’s.

          • Edith Prickly

            Yeshua (original Aramaic) was a popular name in ye olde Biblical times. There might have been a team of them.

          • Celtic_Gnome

            According to my high school friend’s mother, Cain mated with gorillas, bringing about the Negro race. I wanted to ask who on the ark took up the mantle after the flood to get the line going again, but we were taught to respect our elders. Simpler times.

    • schmannity

      Rockefeller Republicans?

    • Ωbjectifier

      Godot?

    • memzilla Ω

      Rethuglican empaths?

    • Vincent Ricola

      People over the age of 40 and people making less than $100K a year?

    • Nockular cavity

      According to Hollywood, women over 35?

    • proudgrampa

      My million dollar savings account?

      Oh, alright that’s not a “who.”

      My rich uncle in TX?

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson
  • memzilla Ω

    …you cannot be shitty to something that is imaginary. Try being mean to leprechauns!
    . https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/4dbe36a2625d71b9e70f992f7c1e9bbd991aec7642db134732db7ab79a8382d5.jpg

    • msanthropesmr

      Always after me lucky dick.

    • Undocumented Skwerl!

      God likes to hunt leprechauns.

  • Undocumented Skwerl!

    “Our church loves the LGBT community, hence the reason we have decided since Spring 2014 to reach out to them. This is just another avenue we are trying,”

    So did praying away the ghey work?

    • msanthropesmr

      Preying, I think.

  • MynameisBlarney
    • TJ Barke

      Gee, I wonder why…

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Poe’s law!

  • TJ Barke

    These fucking people… you don’t choose what arouses you…

    • Lance Thrustwell

      I do! That’s why my potted plants regard me suspiciously.

      • Jon Sussex

        I read that as “pot plants.”

      • MeerkatsRMammals

        Mr. Lobo, is that you???

  • Swampay

    Bless his heart.

  • Anna Rompage

    Irony; people who use the term “love” to describe their passive aggressive behaviors of using guilt and shame on people who do not subscribe to the same draconian belief systems..

  • Lance Thrustwell

    I could see a pretty cool flier starting out with “There are no such things as ‘homosexuals’.” It might continue “There are also no such things as ‘straight’ people. There are only people, doing what they choose – or are compelled – to do.”

    • Anna Rompage

      I’d prefer one that started “There is no such thing as god….”

      • Lance Thrustwell

        There are no such things as “things.” And while we’re at it, I question the validity of all forms of the verb “to be.” And don’t get me started on “there.”

        • TJ Barke

          Or “is”…

          • Lance Thrustwell

            I thought I covered that.

          • Gosala

            Time is an illusion; as is the self

        • snark-lurker

          i would love TO BE THERE!

        • Nockular cavity

          Mind: blown!

      • TJ Barke

        I prefer “your god doesn’t exist”

    • Rick Hill

      No such thing as poor people who need the church or society’s support, either.

      • Lance Thrustwell

        Definitely not them!

  • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

    They like to say “hate the sin, love the sinner” but many all of these guys do just the opposite.

  • Clyde Barrow

    Usually the pastors and the dolts that follow them that pass out this vitriol get caught in a motel with an underage boy….

    In this case, it was an Oklahoma state senator.
    http://www.patheos.com/blogs/progressivesecularhumanist/2017/03/oklahoma-senator-caught-hotel-room-underage-boy/?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=FBCP-ATH&utm_content=progressivesecularhumanist

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Always projection with these assholes. Always.

      • yyyaz

        Projecting assholes wasn’t quite the image I wanted in my head right now.

    • PubOption

      He couldn’t have buttsechs while he was in Uganda, so now he has to make up for lost time.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      He looks exactly like I pictured him.

  • CogitoErgoBibo

    Caldwell’s daughter, by the by, is currently being courted by none other than Joseph Duggar!

    Guess we’ll have our next crappy fame-spawn ready to run for preznit in 2053…

    • snark-lurker

      this is gonna be fun to follow

    • Marion in Savannah

      I’m beginning to sense the stench of another TV show…

  • Red Bird Ω

    Question: Does my dog like my homemade version of Starbucks Caramel Macchiato?
    That’s trick question because there is no such thing as a dog that drinks coffee. There are dogs who engage in unusual behavior like drinking caffeinated beverages but that’s just wrong in the eyes of nature. So, does that mean I should stop making homemade Caramel Macchiato? No. I enjoy a good cup of coffee and so does my dog.

    • msanthropesmr

      Caffeine is bad for dogs. SRS

      • Red Bird Ω

        Noooooooooo. Now you tell me.

      • Thiazin Red

        Really, do not give your pets psychoactive substances, it is very bad for them. This includes caffeine, alcohol and pot. Dot not give them to your cat or dog.

        • msanthropesmr

          Waste of perfectly good psychoactive substances. Dogs and cats are high on life.

          • Thiazin Red

            I feel like my cats would be very mean drunks, and they’re already not very graceful.

          • Zippy W Pinhead

            I had an old labrador that liked to to knock over unattended beer cups and get buzzed- he just got rowdy

          • Marion in Savannah

            Mine are in two camps. When given catnip half of them are mean drunks and the other half put lampshades on their heads and get stooopid.

        • Nockular cavity

          What??? Shit. Sorry, Fluffy, you’re going to have to puke up those mescaline capsules. My bad.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        theobromine is even worse- no chocolate for Fido!

      • proudgrampa

        What? No more caffe latte for my pooch?

    • CogitoErgoBibo

      Duuude. The Starbucks version doesn’t have any coffee. It’s nothing but whipped cream in an espresso cup. http://www.teenvogue.com/story/starbucks-secret-menu-item-dogs-puppuccino

    • Crystalclear12

      Wait. . . did you just prove you don’t exist? Whoa. . .

  • dslindc

    Religion seems nice.

  • geoffalnutt

    I knew I was gay at 2yrs. old. Maybe it was the disco ball suspended over my crib. Maybe that “It’s Raining Men” was always playing in the background. Eerie.

    • Anna Rompage

      Everyone knew something was amiss back when I was 3ish and they kept finding me dressed up in my female friends clothing…

    • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

      Those things plus the recruiter from the theatre department.

  • schmannity

    Apostacy!! Westboro Baptist says God Hates Fags. How can God hate imaginary beings?

    • Clyde Barrow

      If god created man in his image, god must be a fabulous flaming homosexual who dances on parade floats in skimpy leather outfits and has great interior decorating skills.

      • Jeff Ackerman

        Buff Nordic Jesus too?

        • Clyde Barrow

          Blonde/blue eyed California surfer Jesus with a assault rifle in one hand and a bald eagle in the other. ‘Murica!

    • Villago Delenda Est

      I thought they meant that God hates cigarettes? No, that can’t be right…

      • proudgrampa

        A fagot? —

        1.
        a bundle of sticks, twigs, or branches bound together and used as fuel, a fascine, a torch, etc.
        2.
        a bundle; bunch.
        3.
        a bundle of pieces of iron or steel to be welded, hammered, or rolled together at high temperature.
        4.
        bouquet garni.

  • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

    God also hates litterbugs, Pastor.

  • Lefty Frizzell

    I can’t make any sense of this at all.

    There are no gay people but some straight people choose gay sex? Why on earth would they do that?

    Were they tempted by it? Doesn’t that make them gay, or at least bisexual? If they’re not gay or bisexual doesn’t that imply that it’s routine for heterosexual people to be tempted by gay sex?

    Routine for Pastor Paul Caldwell? Aha! I think we’re getting somewhere…

    • Jamoche

      Authoritarian mindset: everyone knows what the “right” thing to do is, some of them are just being contrary for the sake of it.

      • Lefty Frizzell

        What? Nobody’s even tempted by gay sex? They just do it anyway with no payoff other than a desire to flout biblical law? That makes even less sense!

        • Jamoche

          Then it gets complicated. Is it one of those things like drinking where people are tempted because it’s enjoyable, but they really shouldn’t do it? (These sorts of Fundies are generally also tee-totalers. There are also plenty of jokes about how to keep them from drinking your beer on fishing trips.)
          Or is it like teenagers smoking to be “cool” even though it’s amazing how they get past that first cigarette?

          Or is their logic just a fragile thing that’ll collapse if you poke it?

    • CatCafe #ShePurrsisted

      It’s really simple. The only people who think being gay is a “choice” are people who are themselves gay, but “choose” to suppress it and live a non-gay life. They are “choosing.” They loathe and despise and bitterly envy when they see other people “choosing” to be themselves and enjoying themselves sexually. They must suppress them, too. They’re really talking about the “choice” to live your life authentically, the one they’ve made NOT to. It’s all the purest, cruellest kind of hypocrisy and self-loathing projected outwards. The ones who have absorbed the teachings and are disgusted at themselves, who sadly, pathetically wish they weren’t gay because they’ve learned being gay is “an abomination” are to be pitied; the ones who are teaching the teachings and are destructively, wickedly judgmental of others are to be condemned. And outed.

    • Kiri the Paid Protestor

      …Because they’re bad people who hate Babby Jeezus and wanna make him cry.

      Or they’re simply possessed by gay demons. Take your pick.

  • dslindc

    It’s a good thing I know better that I exist and am therefore bound by the commenting rules for radicals and can’t encourage Lighthouse Baptist Church in Fayetteville, Arkansas to *REDACTED*.

    • Clyde Barrow

      Arkansas is a state filled with folks that compete with each other as to who can be the biggest bigot, while maintaining the illusion of Southern hospitality.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        See Hucksterbee, Mike, and Cotton, Tom, for but two examples.

      • dslindc

        Exhibit A: Mike Huckabee

    • efoveks

      It’s a VERY good thing you cannot comment cuz you might go to fundie hell! OTOH, I hear there are no fundies in fundie hell, so there’s that….

      LOL! Auto kirrect changes “fundie” to “fun die”. How appropriate!

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      ….Go to Hell!………………………………say it……………………say it………….

    • BearDeLaOursistance

      They’re just ssssssensitive because Fayette sounds so much like… well, yeah.

  • beingreleased

    Conservatives believe very strongly in your right to live the way they want you to live.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      This is the part of “freedom” that they simply do not quite grasp.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        oh, they grasp it just fine. They are just assholes…

    • TJ Barke

      You are free to do what we tell you! Freedumb!

    • arglebargle

      “When I want your opinion I’ll give it to you.”

  • Crystalclear12

    They really need to find a hobby. You know: cow tipping, mailbox bashing or cousin fucking. Redneck wholesome.

  • Chadwells
  • Carpe Vagenda

    A Conundrum Wrapped In A Riddle Rammed Down Your Throat!

    Funny how a certain kind of social conservative just assumes all men practice shitty fellatio etiquette.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Is that in their flyer? Maybe it’s more interesting than I thought.

      • Carpe Vagenda

        you never noticed that an awful lot of their metaphors for how ill-used they are feature them being the unwilling receptive party in an act of penetrative sex? Because they appear to think about that a lot.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      I’m sure they do…

  • Thiazin Red

    Yes, some people choose to be gay just to be contrary. All that social stigma, discrimination and dealing with assholes, just to be rebellious.

    That picture raises questions. Why does Harvey wear a belt if he has no pants? Is it keeping his fur up?

    • Skeptical_thinker

      It gives him someplace to hook his “thumbs”.

  • MeerkatsRMammals

    It’s shit like this that makes one Atheist…

    • Clyde Barrow

      Well that, and actually reading the Bible. That’s enough for anyone with a moral compass to question worshiping the deity of Abraham.

    • CogitoErgoBibo

      Jury is still out for me on whether there is a Supreme Being, however religion can just show itself out of the room immediately.

      • proudgrampa

        Did you know that Supreme Being spelled backward is “DOG”?

        Wait. What?

        • tomamitai

          Gnieb Emerpus? Ooh, I should make that my new nym! Oh, but then I’d lose my upfists.

          • proudgrampa

            OMG! You do NOT want to lose your upfists.

            Not like the last time we all lost our upfists!

          • tomamitai

            Yeah, that still stings.

          • BearDeLaOursistance

            Reince Priebus’ cousin?

        • arglebargle

          Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic who got insomnia?

          He’d lie in bed awake at night wondering if there really was a dog.

          • proudgrampa

            Well done!

            Nyuk! Nyuk!

      • MeerkatsRMammals

        I showed myself outta the Catholic church at an Easter service when I was 16. The priest spent a good 15 mins praying for unborn babies…I stood up to walk out. My mother quickly pulled me back into my seat. I never went back. I told my mom that I think God would want me to be comfortable in his house & I do NOT feel comfortable there!

    • proudgrampa

      Fersure! (At the risk of repeating myself…)

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        did Disgust scold you for posting the same non comment?

        • proudgrampa

          No, because I anticipated that with the parenthetical remark.

          Take that, Disqus!!!!

    • Ducksworthy

      Jesus was pretty expicit about a number of things. This is not one of them.

  • efoveks

    If you can choose to be ghey, then you can also choose to be blah. Or French, amirite?

    • msanthropesmr

      Why would anyone choose to be French?

      • Gosala

        The food, health care, actual civilization, maybe?

      • efoveks

        They hate baths?

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      I’m thinking….I’m thinking….

    • The Wanderer
  • goonemeritus

    As a Heterosexual I like to believe I can engage in acts as unseemly and immoral as anyone.

    • proudgrampa

      Fersure!

    • Kiri the Paid Protestor

      I support you in this.

  • TundraGrifter

    “A Conundrum Wrapped In A Riddle…”

    Wouldn’t the riddle be wrapped in the conundrum? If you could get that dang foil package open…

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      Sounds more like a burrito

    • CogitoErgoBibo

      But does it come with ranch dipping sauce? That’s the important question.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      OT, but I loathe the idiot plastic wrap around CDs and DVDs.

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      Is this another Hot Pockets joke?…

    • It’s when you deep-fry them into a paranoid conspiracy that they become really good.

  • Villago Delenda Est
  • Moebym the Persistent Returner

    I had a discussion a few days ago with a Democratic friend who actually suggested that homosexuality is unnatural – even though, he conceded, it exists in nature – because they can’t reproduce. I tried to tell them that homosexuals are rare by nature, so there’s no way they’ll cause a population to die out from lack of reproduction, and that they are natural because they do occur spontaneously in nature.

    *Internal screaming* summed up how I felt.

    • Anna Rompage

      I guess that means people who are born sterile are unnatural too, because they cannot reproduce either…

    • tomamitai

      There’s also kin selection, whereby childless homosexuals help support and raise the children of their siblings, who share some of their genes.

      • timpundit

        in many social animals circles the ones that do not give birth for one reason or another, help ‘babysit’ the young ones. Heck it was juts on NG’s “Spy in the Wild” like 2 weeks ago.

    • A_Changeling

      The opposite of natural is not unnatural (no such thing) but supernatural… like god.

    • wide_stance_hubby

      A step up from preternatural, I guess.

    • BearDeLaOursistance

      I almost wonder if there’s some epigenetic Gay Marker that starts popping on more frequently in times of affluence (i.e., times of potential overbreeding). This would provide a reversible check on population growth, in a way that sterility wouldn’t. (I.e., Teh Gheyz are still physically able to help populate if there were a sudden sharp decline or reversal in the trend). Sounds perfectly natural to me!

      • Moebym the Persistent Returner

        I was just thinking the same thing.

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    Caldwell should remove the stick from his own ass before he judges what others stick up theirs. There’s something like that in the Bible isn’t there?

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      something something, rod and staff up thy ass

      • CogitoErgoBibo

        And no glass houses up in thine ass, either. Not even miniature Monopoly size ones.

        • snark-lurker

          not even if it vibrates?

          • CogitoErgoBibo

            Tempting…

        • pb_&_sauerkraut

          Lest they spy on you.

          • Zippy W Pinhead

            definitely no microwaves up your ass

    • Anna Rompage

      Why do you look at the dick in your brother’s arse, but fail to notice the eggplant in your own…

      • TheGrandWazoo2

        Yeah, that’s the one.

      • snark-lurker

        lmao : )

      • PubOption

        Eggplant or gerbil?

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      Don’t poke yourself in the eye with that stick – is how I remember it from Catechism…

    • GodEmperorCaptainHowdy

      I know there’s something about “thy rod and thy staff they comfort me”.

      • Cock Blockula

        So that’s what that means!

  • boyblue122

    I like how “religious” people argue whether God hated certain people or not and completely forget about the golden rule

    • Gosala

      He who has the gold, makes the rules?

      • Villago Delenda Est

        That’s the one they actually follow, not that fuckin’ hippy from Nazareth.

        • boyblue122

          Jebus was a librul….lets crucify him

      • boyblue122

        damn right

  • Michael R

    Every Trump voter is proof that heterosexuality isn’t working optimally .

    • Anna Rompage

      Actually Trump voters are proof we had too much of a safety minded nanny state that significantly interfered with the process of natural selection…

      • Edith Prickly

        You let them have nice things, and look how that turned out.

  • bookish
    • Villago Delenda Est

      Obama holdovers trying to undermine Hair Furor.

      • TJ Barke

        Damn “deep state!”

  • I don’t trust anyone who has a lighthouse in Arkansas.

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    The briefing room is wondering why Spicer is an hour late for the dog and pony show. He’s probably begging Trump to not make him go out there again.

    • PubOption

      Spicer did text something about pot this morning.

    • Edith Prickly

      Choking on a wad of gum.

  • Michael R

    I hear this when I was driving to a funeral ….

    ♬ Been around the world and found
    That only stupid people are breeding ♪

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wYsMjEeEg4g

  • Reximus

    UH-oh…docs leaked today showing Flynn lied about Russkie moneez he took while in the Army..

    they’re actually probably gonna have to LOCK HIM UP

    • Villago Delenda Est

      The Army takes this shit seriously, unlike Donald.

      • Reximus

        yup…he’s in it deep this time

        • Wild Cat

          In Like Flynn, eh?

          • Toomush_Inferesistance

            I forgive you this one time because good news…

    • Michael R

      Is he still loose ?
      ( grabs non-existent children , hides in root cellar )

    • Anna Rompage

      It seems like Trump should have extreme vetted his closest advisors… I mean this is the 3rd or 4th one who is accused by intelligent agencies & DoJ, or taking money illegally from Russian, and pro Russian sources in Ukraine…

      • boyblue122

        He did extreme vetting on them for that very purpose. He made sure that they had deep Russian ties

        • Wild Cat

          But . . . but . . . liberal libertarian anarchist unicorn chaser Matt Taibbi sez Teh Russian Connection is just a copout for the Dems (who actually WON the election!) And I’m sure Amy Goodman will have Steven Cohen on to explain it’s all an illusion and those Russian rubles you see in his and Katrina’s pockets are counterfeit . . .

      • GodEmperorCaptainHowdy

        How could that be? The strangest things happen, I suppose.

      • Thiazin Red

        They’re just coincidences, lots of totally unrelated coincidences that Trump had no idea about. Lots of people meet with Russians, so you can’t say anything bad about it!

    • Edith Prickly

      PERP WALK, PERP WALK

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      Jail is for the little people, silly- the specialists and low ranking NCO’s. They should at least drum him out to “The Rogue’s March” like they did in the old days. But put it on national teevee.

      • Swampgas_Man

        Naw man, I want him to turn state’s evidence. Throw the other bastards under the bus!

  • boyblue122

    OT – Pretty funny hashtag trending on twitter because of the Muslim ban ruling coming out of Hawaii – BoycottHawaii

    Most people are thrilled Drumpf voters dont want to go there lol

    • Villago Delenda Est

      The Drumpfenproles don’t get that a boycott by them on anyone or anything is a blessing to the rest of us, and there are more of us than there are of them.

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      Hawaii says yes please….

    • PubOption

      Looks bad for the Trump Hotel, Waikiki.

    • The Wanderer

      Can most of them even afford to go to Hawaii?

      • boyblue122

        they couldnt afford to show up to DC for 45’s inauguration

        • Persistent Tennessee Rain

          Everyone knows the reason attendance was so sparse was because Republicans all have jobs even though they voted for the Orange Naval Gazer to bring back jobs. That and black people live in DC.

    • Edith Prickly

      That would be a selling point to normal people. “Come to Hawaii, it’s a Trump-free zone.”

    • theblackdog

      I was saying this morning that when the judge in Maryland handed down their decision that I hoped they would boycott Maryland too. More blue crab for me this summer before the removal of all the pollution controls means no more.

  • A_Changeling

    If people chose to be gay or transgendered etc… then what? What does the reason matter? If it’s fine it’s fine, if it’s a sin it’s a sin either way.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Totally OT, but I just had a fresh blueberry muffin for lunch.

    Yes, I am taunting you all, and if you don’t go away, I shall taunt you a second time-ah.

    • The Wanderer

      Hmm! Sounds tasty!

    • Weevie

      On Topic for me. Just had half a raspberry danish and I will regret it.
      Live for the present!

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      My new espresso machine says yes please….

    • BosGrl

      Was it a Jordan Marsh blueberry muffin? Because otherwise it doesn’t count.

    • GodEmperorCaptainHowdy
    • BearDeLaOursistance

      Fetchez la pain!

      No, not bread. PAIN!!

  • Weevie

    Near the bottom of the top pic, I saw the word “commendeth” which means, uh, no idea! I searched it and found:

    commendeth. archaic third-person singular simple present indicative form of commend.

    Still don’t know what it means, but none of that Homo Idiot crap means a thing since these druids have no idea how to define God, whose archaic gibberish “word” they’re quoting.

    “In breaking news an unknown source told action news…” Sure, Preacher Idiot.

    • The Wanderer

      This is why I prefer Cthulhu. There’s no messy scriptural or doctrinal stuff; just worship him and go insane, or become sentient sushi.

      • GodEmperorCaptainHowdy

        Nyarlathotep or GTFO!

      • Swampgas_Man

        But He’s so hard to pronounce!

    • maxneanderthal

      “What’s this? Persons called Romans, they go to the house”.
      “It says “Romans, go home!”.
      “No it doesn’t. Conjugate the verb ‘to go’ boy”…..

      and so on..classic

  • wide_stance_hubby

    I knew I existed when, as a young boy, maybe 8, I was chased down the street by the neighborhood ‘fairy’, knocked to the ground and kissed hard on the mouth. When other kids asked if I was ok after such an ordeal, I said I was ok, but in reality, I was so much more than ok. . .

    • GodEmperorCaptainHowdy

      Some people have all the luck.

      • wide_stance_hubby

        Despite that lusty encounter, I remained closeted and virginal until age 20, so it wasn’t all good.

  • Well, according to Paul in his letter to the Romans, God makes you gay because you’re such a horrible sinner who has rejected him.

    That’s right, people. God made you gay as a child because you took a cookie without asking and rang the doorbell of your neighbor’s house and ran away…

    That makes perfect sense.

    • GodEmperorCaptainHowdy

      Is your refrigerator running? Oh, shit . . .

    • Villago Delenda Est

      And here I thought it was you stole a kiss from Susie when you were a Johnny.

    • timpundit

      I can believe it. From what many devout christianists tell me, god is kind of a selfish douchebag.

    • BearDeLaOursistance

      He turns you not just gay, but a bottom also too. A ding-dong-bitch.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      Two Corinthians walk into a ghey bar…

      • ImGoingBacon

        because they are Corinthians, was it a leather bar?

  • BosGrl

    OT: Sean Spicer just said “relevant statue”.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      I feel like Thor fighting the minions of Nifelheim: “At least make it a challenge for me!”

  • bookish

    http://www.cbsnews.com/news/democratic-super-pac-goes-after-trumps-russia-connections/

    The Democratic super PAC American Bridge launched a website Thursday that maps out the complicated web of relationships between Russian power players and people in President Trump’s orbit.

    With potentially four investigations into allegations of Russian interference in the U.S. election that have loomed over the administration since assuming office, the site points out Trumpworld’s questionable affiliations with shady characters — relationships the administration has either denied or distanced itself from.

    American Bridge’s cheekily named interactive website – TrumpConnections.ru — organizes the links between Trump and individuals connected to Vladimir Putin and Russian entities.

    Click on the face of billionaire Wilbur Ross, Mr. Trump’s Secretary of Commerce, and his association with the Bank of Cyprus appears – “a bank known to help wealthy Russians launder money,” according to the website, with ties to Putin. It also showcases his relationships with the other Russian stakeholders in the bank, where Ross was previously an executive.

  • Kiri the Paid Protestor

    There are no such things as homosexual cartoon pony stallions who want their butts humped by nice, nerdy guys.

    It’s totally possible to be mean to leprechauns, though. In fact, it’s encouraged. The greedy little bastards never wanna share the breakfast cereal, and they drink straight from the milk carton.

    • Gosala

      DO NOT make fun of the little people! Half of Irish lore seems to be about the ways they take their revenge.

      • Kiri the Paid Protestor

        Oh sure, but do unicorns get any respect? No. Just dumb jokes about virgins… *grumble, grumble*

        • Gosala

          People are prejudiced because they have never (knowingly) meet a unicorn (hint: they’re everywhere). So they project their fears and hide them behind virgins.

          • Kiri the Paid Protestor

            And it’s really weird, ’cause they’re making an equine some kinda paragon of chastity. Completely neurotic.

          • Gosala

            Classic Freud, I’d say.

          • Swampgas_Man

            Naw, it’s just that the unicorn represents the phallus, and by tradition can ONLY be tamed by a virgin maiden. So women have to be “pure” so they can tame the (horny) phallus.

        • Scrofula

          ASTRO FIGHT 2!!!!!!

    • Swampgas_Man

      That ain’t milk they’re drinking.

  • timpundit

    Yeah it’s pretty common male occurance. I know you young studs out there have to decide whether you feel like some getting some puss or suck some dick before you go out that night. More to getting laid than just deciding what cologne to wear amirite, fellas?

    Whatddya mean ‘no’? Why do you all hate God so much?

  • bookish

    https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2017-03-16/behind-trump-s-russia-romance-there-s-a-tower-full-of-oligarchs

    Two months before Trump broke ground [on Trump Tower in Manhatten] in October 1998, Russia defaulted on $40 billion in domestic debt, the ruble plummeted, and some of the biggest banks started to collapse. Millionaires scrambled to get their money out and into New York. Real estate provides a safe haven for overseas investors. It has few reporting requirements and is a preferred way to move cash of questionable provenance. Amid the turmoil, buyers found a dearth of available projects. Trump World Tower, opened in 2001, became a prominent depository of Russian money.

  • Moebym the Persistent Returner

    Director of OMB justifies cuts to PBS by saying single moms and coal miners can’t afford to pay for it.

    Tax cuts to the rich? Foreign wars? Sure.

    • BosGrl

      I paid a lot for my TV; otherwise my fist would be through it.

    • boyblue123

      trips to mar-a-largo

    • teele

      They don’t gotta pay for foreign wars, just supply the raw material. Keep on manufacturin’ them babies, y’all hear?

  • Wild Cat

    Block and ignore the idiot, below.

    • GodEmperorCaptainHowdy

      Already deleted, apparently.

      • Edith Prickly

        It was just TLM and his anal sex fetish again. Librulz love buttsecks, blah blah blah. Sad!

    • Edith Prickly

      BRB, must bat the troll around like a catnip mouse…

  • Edith Prickly

    Caldwell’s daughter, by the by, is currently being courted by none other than Joseph Duggar!

    So Pastor Caldwell is OK with sister-molesting, but not consensual gay relationships. Got it.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    OT: TLM just tried to post, and he got zapped by someone…Dok, or perhaps Disqus itself, seeing how his nym this time was so stupidly alt-rightish.

    • Scrofula

      My money on Disqust from the weird error message.
      Considering it’s not hiding that it’s TLM, but with constant new handles, it must get zapped a lot.

  • BearDeLaOursistance

    “Oh dear, I hadn’t thought of that,” said Teh Gheyz, and they promptly vanished in a poof of logic. Lolwut?

  • Scrofula

    Let’s imagine that all men (cause they don’t care about Lesbians) really DO lust after boobies (also a sin), but some consciously choose to have nasty buttsechs with other men, just for the lulz.
    So? FFS who gives a fuck, fundies, you’re not supposed to be having sex anyway.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Why these people are so intensely interested in what other people do with their genitals out of their sight has always baffled me. It’s like the classic definition of a Puritan…it drives them nuts that someone, somewhere, might be having fun.

      • Kiri the Paid Protestor

        …More fun than they are having. That’s what galls them.

        • HorseChestnut

          Only the right kind of people get to have fun.

  • Rick Hill
    • yyyaz

      One of those two behaviors is an acceptable form of child abuse. The other is showing children what love looks like.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      The concern about “gay recruitment” always comes back to the fundies seeing their own recruitment methods used by someone else.

      • Rick Hill

        Back in ’05 I was visiting a shop I do business with. He had a cassette there “The gay agenda” or something like that, put out by a church. He later claimed he never had such a thing. Funny thing, his son reached 16 and essperimented. Told his dad he was gay. This guy went on a rant how some old gay guy was going to take advantage of his son.

      • Oblios_Cap

        Gotta get them young, before they learn how to think critically.

      • Cock Blockula

        Projection. It’s everywhere.

      • Jeffery Campbell

        Yeah, they are just mad the cute boys are showing any interest.

  • yyyaz

    TLM is jacking off below.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Probably not for long. He might get better results on Grindr, just sayin’.

      • Edith Prickly

        I think he shows up here whenever he strikes out on Grindr.

  • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

    “I have the solution- gays should just stop gaying. Druggies should just say no. Fat people should just stop eating. Depressed people should just get over it” says the secret pedophile.

    • HorseChestnut

      But he’s a white Christian Republican, so it’s OK, he’s forgiven.

  • Scrofula

    “There are things in my culture, stuff my neighbors do, actions sanctioned by the state, that make me uncomfortable. I will hide behind the comfort of my childhood authority-myths and holler about it constantly.”

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Something something in His image something

  • whitroth

    I suggest truth in labelling, as opposed to “bearing false witless, er, witness”. They should be the Darkhouse Badtaste Church (of Stupid).

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Then how do you explain Liberace?

    • Jgb979

      Some people chose to be fabulous.

      • HorseChestnut

        We call them “heroes.”

        EDIT: Occasionally “she-ros,” if we’re feeling extra sassy in a half-ironic way.

  • New Year 1080p

    Why is every Fayetteville so shitty?

  • Jgb979

    The only response to this that you’ll never get a response to:

    “Please tell me the day you chose to be straight”

    • Liberoid Ron

      Hey, we’re not all that narrow-minded!
      – Patriot Coal Corporation

    • teele

      Yeah, I don’t recall sitting down with a piece of notebook paper and making two columns labeled “gay” and “straight” and listing the advantages of each. Do they teach that in church schools?

  • Sedagive ’em Hell

    We should thank the good folks at the Fayetteville Baptist Church for reminding us that we can all be gay if we so choose!

    Times a wastin’

    • puredog

      Will there be a corresponding uptick in my sense of personal style?

      • BearDeLaOursistance

        “Not necessarily.” — Bears

        • Jeffery Campbell

          Bears have a lot of personal style. Think festive lumberjack. And honestly, the nicest gay guys on planet Earth.

      • Jeffery Campbell

        No, but you will feel a powerful urge to redecorate your surroundings and the surroundings of others.

    • Kiri the Paid Protestor

      *gets out the mounting block* The line forms to the left, fellas. Step right up!

  • azeyote

    hey pastor – fuck off – i love to tell the truth too

  • BearDeLaOursistance

    Gheyz don’t hate Jesus — we love him! He’s hung LIKE THIS!! {{stretches out arms}}

  • Bitter Scribe

    “God doesn’t exist? No, YOU don’t exist!”

    • BearDeLaOursistance

      No. Wrong. That’s fake yous.

  • resistance_fighter_rosenbomb

    First I find out Santa Claus isn’t real, then I find out gheys aren’t real. Life isn’t the same.

    • clairence

      Wait, does that mean Santa’s gay? I’m confused.

      • GodEmperorCaptainHowdy

        Kind of screams “bear”, duh.

        • clairence

          I’d never really thought about it to such a degree. And would prefer to not do so again.

      • Khavrinen

        You’re confused, or is Santa?

        • Longstreet63

          Try spending six months a year in darkness with nothing but elves around and things might get a little clearer.
          Especially if they’re Tolkien elves.

        • Jeffery Campbell

          It’s not “confused,” it’s “questioning.” We refuse to recruit you if you can’t get the lingo right,

    • Mavenmaven

      The elves are relieved though

  • Sakonyachen

    “A Conundrum Wrapped In A Riddle Crammed Down Your Throat!”

    SAKONYACHEN LIBULLLZZZ!!!11!!!!

  • Nick Scroggs

    New theory: That so much of history, so much of power mongers and demagogues and alt-right trolls and racist fearmongers, their motives boil down pretty much to “I’m not getting enough vaginas/blowjobs.” Crude, yes, but think about it. Slave owners in the olden days Bannon wants to return to would make all kinds of stereotypes about their black slaves being hypersexuals to justify keeping them down. Steve King wants more white babi3es. The alt right was born on internet and evidence shows them as unappealing losers, and maybe shift blame for their status on interracial porn starring Lisa Ann. (Who last I saw on the sports wire was dating a young black NCAA basketball player.) think I might be on to something.

    • Liberoid Ron

      Just don’t expect many volunteers offering to do the research. Ew.

    • Shanzgood

      Enh. This is what happens to cultures with a history of primogeniture laws of inheritance. The State has to know who is fucking whom so it knows whose children get the goods. That’s why the longstanding laws against and cultural condemnation of homosexuality and potential promiscuity.

      • Nick Scroggs

        Still gonna look into my theory, if that’s okay.

        • Shanzgood

          Well, yeah. Evolution is still being discussed as a “theory” so go right ahead!

          • Nick Scroggs

            Wait, what?

    • sgt. jmk of the résistance

      I’ve always seen it as guys who are mortally afraid that gay men will threat them the way they treat women.

      • Nick Scroggs

        See the video I posted above for older example of that.

  • Ricky Gay

    The pastor is afraid of gays and leprechauns because they might be magically delicious.

    • Jeffery Campbell

      I think “Lucky Charms” would be a really excellent drag name. Oh Ru? Are you listening?

  • clairence

    I realize the flyers are about sexuality and not gender, but the two are closely related.
    National Geographic had an entire issue on gender and (at times) its relationship with sexuality. Fascinating.
    http://www.nationalgeographic.com/magazine/2017/01/

    • Liberoid Ron

      None of the good pastor’s flock will have ever looked in a copy of Nat. Geo. for any purpose other than ogling the bare bosoms of native girls.

      • Longstreet63

        Well, not with Internet porn around, no.

  • Mavenmaven

    it would be nice if all the fundies around the world realized that if they really wanted to help and save people, the best thing they can do is mind their own business and leave everyone alone.

    • Liberoid Ron

      But how are we expected to have any fun if we’re not allowed to hate anyone we disapprove of?
      – fundies

      • Oblios_Cap

        Or look down on people who don’t think like we do?

      • TakingAmes

        I mean, they’re not allowed to drink, or smoke, or dance, or have sex standing up. The only vice left is hating on everyone.

        • capnkrunch

          Hey now…missionary can be fun too.

        • Keith Taylor

          They are also expected to believe the Earth is flat and the sky is a thin solid dome above it. With the stars little glittering lights attached to the inner surface of the dome. In the dome are literal, physical sluice gates (“windows of heaven”) and above it is an awful lot of water. If you can believe that, I suppose you can believe this stuff about homosexuals too.

    • Longstreet63

      They don’t. They want to laugh while their enemies burn in Hell and be praised for it.

      • Jeffery Campbell

        Oh, we know who’s going to be standing with the goats and not the lambs come the rapture.

    • Jeffery Campbell

      It they really wanted to help people they would be baking cakes and providing flowers to teh gheys!

  • redarmyzombie

    Aw jeez, not this shit again…

    • Keith Taylor

      ‘Fraid so. They never stop with it.

  • Jack Tenhet

    I’ve never understood all the homophobia. I’ve never been attracted to men and I have had opportunities. For guys it’s kinda biologically impossible to “fake” being attracted to someone. I say that for the obvious connotation that if I am not attracted to men while other men are, then it’s biological and not something that can or even should be changed.

    These assholes should stop fighting it and just come out of the closet themselves. Gawd would still love them because if such a being is all powerful and whatnot, then everything is of gawd, even the parts humble humans hate.

    • Bebecca

      This is the question I ask homophobes-so when did you decide to be straight? They stutter and stammer.

  • Longstreet63

    They’re not saying you can make yourself straight, actually. They’re saying that all sexual desire is a matter of choice, or rather duty to God. That duty is to reproduce, not enjoy messy body fluid swapping. Pleasure is of the devil–or at least other peoples’ pleasure. Gays should stop acting like women, which is the only way they can envision gays, and stick it in a vagina as God commands, whether they like it or not. Like most things they object to, it’s all based in hatred of women.

    • BearDeLaOursistance

      I thought doody was their whole problem here?

      …I’ll show myself out.

      • Longstreet63

        They only hate it because it’s something that can be done to a man that they feel is feminine. All the feigned disgust for something they probably demand their wives do is just an excuse. Hell, most of them have filthier imaginations about what gay men do than most gay men.

        • Lambsendbeds

          “Turgid Love Muscle” libelz!

    • Nick Scroggs

      They’ve never met Gareth Thomas then, it seems.

      • Longstreet63

        That which does not conform to the theory must be disregarded.

    • boredcatlady

      Seems to acknowledge a lot of evangelical closet cases tho

    • Bebecca

      but only after they marry the vagina

  • Khavrinen

    “Our church loves the LGBT community”
    “loves”
    Once again I’m forced to go with that old Internet cliche, the Inigo Montoya quote…

    • Vacuous Virgina

      It always works 😁

  • Nick Scroggs

    Yeesh, even in the 50s they thought gay people existed, Of course, back then it was more, well, let this film explain: https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=9&v=TL7ZUyWVGDw

    • BearDeLaOursistance

      You forgot the subtitle: “(Of Oklahoma Sen. Ralph Shortey)”.

      • Nick Scroggs

        What’s even weirder is, the first man seen is named “Ralph.” “You see, Ralph was a homosexual.”

    • Ωbjectifier

      I find that vid surprisingly easy to masturbate to.

      • Nick Scroggs

        I, didn’t need to hear that. If you will excuse me, I have to go dip my eyeballs in limestone.

      • Jeffery Campbell

        I know, right? It’s the cuffed jeans and the slicked back hair.

    • Lily412

      Ah, yes. That old chestnut, “All gays are pedophiles.” I bet the idea of a lesbian would blow these filmmakers’ minds.

  • Panika MCD

    it this like all the people that testified on TX SB6 last week saying they didn’t have a problem peeing with all the transgenders that day, but they wanted the bill to pass because Tony Perkins told us that morning that if we did not pass it that there would be guys rubbing their dicks on the windows of all the Sonics?

  • Cliff Hendroval

    If you follow the fundies’ “logic” that everyone is born straight, but some choose to not to be, that would mean that straight sex isn’t good enough and that teh gheysex is super-powerfully awesome. (Which I presume it is for some folks.)

    • Nick Scroggs

      I had a similar idea, that straight guys feel inferior to lesbians who are having much better sex and more women in bed than them.

  • BetsyBleedingheart

    Who would choose to be persecuted? Like, if I had the choice not to be Middle Eastern and female and chronically ill and A Poor, I would 100000% choose to be none of those things!

    More and more these days I just want to grow a big beard and live in a cave somewhere.

  • pgjack

    God created so many ways to be stupid.

    • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

      Infinite.

    • GodEmperorCaptainHowdy

      Also created defecation. A real weirdo.

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    So Rev. Caldwell is gay is what you’re saying.

    • boredcatlady

      Yeah, that was my take too

  • bopeep

    Imagine my surprise to find out I don’t exist. Okay, half-way don’t exist; I’m bi. However, I do know from long ago that I am deeply loved by God, whatever other people say. This is a comfort to me in my semi-existence.

  • KittyCastiel

    Fuck…i live in Fayetteville. Really, we are a nice liberal bastion. Christ, what assholes.

    • Penny Dreadful Says Resist

      I like Fayetteville. We all have our Baptists to deal with.

  • Caldwell’s daughter: RUN. DO NOT WALK RUN.

  • Might wanna not be crowing about that, Pastor- I mean, just speaking truth so that means I love you and all, but at the same time you are calling God some sort of wimp and them is fighting words.

  • Paperless Tiger

    Now, turn in your hymnals to Cabaret.

  • RugzYaBurnt
  • Celtic_Gnome

    I had to find a picture of Joseph Duggar to make sure he wasn’t the flamboyant one. No worries, Ms. Caldwell. Rest assured you (and probably any desirable female who comes within a mile of Joey) will be gettin’ the D.

  • Jeffery Campbell

    Hello there. Engaging in unseemly acts of immorality since 1973. That’s a lot of sinning to fess up to. Fiery pits of Hades, here I come. Wheeeeeee!

  • market apartments

    Half right, at least.

    It’s a flawed question because the God they worship is a fiction and therefore does not love anybody.

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