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hello Alex Jones

Remember that weird thing we had recently where conspiracy loon biscuit Alex Jones did an interview, and in some ape-like show of dominance, stripped off his shirt and proceeded to gnaw sausages in front of that nice German reporter who was probably like GEEZ! AMERICANS!?

Well, we have another example to share at you, of Alex Jones’s unbridled raw dude tough ‘n’ sexxxy-ness. It seems Jones is real mad at Alec Baldwin, because of Baldwin’s mean Trump impression on “SNL,” and because the cold open this past weekend made fun of Alex Jones as well. But don’t worry, he only wants to beat the living shit out of Baldwin FOR CHARITY:

Alec Baldwin thinks he is a tough guy, I challenge him a million dollars to the charity he wants to get in the ring with me, bare knuckle. I will, I’ll do it right now. I’ll get in the ring with you and I will break your jaw, I will knock your teeth out, I will break your nose, and I will break your neck. You coward, you think you’re tough guy …

You want to sit there and defame me and the president? Get in the ring with me, I will break your jaw in seconds. I will smash your nose into a bloody pulp, and I will whack your teeth out. My fists are going to bleeding with your teeth marks all over them. You frickin’ bully, you coward. I HATE YOU! MY LISTENERS HATE YOU! AND REMEMBER THAT, SCUMBAG, FOREVER! HEH HEH HEH HEH. WE’RE GONNA DEFEAT THIS ANTI-HUMAN SCUM, WE’RE GONNA WRECK THEIR WORLD!

Is Alex Jones’s raw macho sexual and punchy-punchy dominance arousing you right now? Have you sprunged wood in your pants or slidden off your chair? Of course you have not, because this is a post about Alex Jones. You might want to pause the video right now, because of your giggling.

Anyshizzle, RawStory ‘splains that Jones is very upset because he got name-checked on “SNL” during that Trump cold open about an alien invasion. Why, the Saturday evening comedy program suggested that an Alex Jones conspiracy theory could be racist! This cannot stand, so Alex Jones will huff and he’ll puff and he’ll blow …

Oh, I was just joking when I said I would break Alec Baldwin’s back, or neck. I meant that metaphorically.

He blew his load too early, and now he is saying he was doing a joke. But you see, Jones is proving a very important point, because “SNL” did a joke about how an Alex Jones conspiracy theory might be racist, which is unfair, so Jones should be able to “joke” and say to Baldwin that “I will break your jaw in seconds” and “My fists are going to be bleeding with your teeth marks all over them” and so forth. If you don’t see how Jones’s thing works as a “joke,” then you probably don’t even know how “funny” works.

Knock knock! Who’s there? Alex Jones will beat you on the face until you are almost dead! LOLOLOL! You forgot to say Simon Says! LMAO!!

Did y’all see the “SNL” sketch? You should watch it, or just read this little rundown from the Chicago Trib, so you can see what Yelly McPussyTown is having a conniption about:

In the sketch, Trump … puts forward a theory – not from FBI or CIA intelligence, but one he heard from Alex Jones of Infowars (“You know he’s legit because he’s always taking off his shirt, OK?” Trump says in the sketch).

“I actually heard the aliens are already here. They have been hiding in this country for hundreds of years,” Baldwin-as-Trump says. “It’s a fact. They’re shape-shifters. They look like regular people, but they’re aliens. Look, there’s one right there,” he says, pointing out black soldiers.

Jones was not done with his temper tantrum, though. He says it took him 30 minutes to watch the “SNL” clip, because he was eating jalapenos (???), and then explains he’s NOT mad at Alec Baldwin, punchy-face threats notwithstanding, he’s upset about the “sick world” Baldwin and his writers are “making for our kids.” HE’S NOT MAD, BRO.

J/K yes he is, but also he’s sad, because now people think he hates black people. Also for some reason he is suddenly upset with Bill O’Reilly as well, because he thinks O’Reilly called him a “sexual predator.” (No we do not know if O’Reilly really insinuated that, and no we don’t feel like looking it up.) Anyway, so now Jones is going to make punchy-punchy with both O’Reilly and Baldwin in the ring, because he’s younger than they are (he’s only 43 after all!), which means he is zippy and strong and BING BONG! THERE GOES ALEX JONES, whose masculine prowess is such that he has THREE PENISES, unless he has even more than that, and oh boy oh boy oh boy!

Dude, I don’t sit there and say that you hate black people. I mean what the hell man. Just because you dehumanize me, and want to go on the news and lie about me, or create some fictional character who you say is Alex Jones. You just can’t get away with that bro. So I’m not going to attack anybody unless they legally get in the ring with me. I guess bare knuckles boxing is illegal so, the point is that I guarantee you — I just am tired of these people, man. I’m tired of you writing checks you can’t cash, bro. I hope one of you actually takes me up on this. Alec Baldwin, supposedly a tough guy, Irish, I’m sure he is. I’ll take him and Bill O’Reilly on, because they are both older than me at the same time in the ring.  […]

I’m that pissed off, you understand that? I know that I want to punch you in the nose, do you understand? And when I want to punch somebody in the nose, I don’t ever lose. I love everybody, until they lie about me and my family. And so what am I supposed to do when you say that I’m a sex predator? This guy says I’m a damned racist? I’m tired of it man. You understand? I’m a person, dumbass.

ALEX JONES IS A PERSON, DUMBASS. He has feelings and a heart and a head, a shoulder, knees and toes, and sometimes when it thunders he holds his blanky a little tighter, and he literally cannot stop weeping every time he watches the end of The Notebook, which is every day, ALLEGEDLY.

For the record, Alex Jones has repeatedly declared that Alex Jones is not a racist person, even though he has been “racially attacked” 35 TIMES by the blacks and FIVE TIMES by the Latin Mexicans, not that he is counting.

Apropos of nothing, here’s a fun video compilation Media Matters sent us, of Alex Jones saying repeatedly that he is not bragging:

In summary, Alex Jones is NOT RACIST and he is NOT BRAGGING.

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[Chicago Tribune / Media Matters]

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