SHARE

Oh what fun we have on the Internet! Back in January, a semiliterate young man wrote in, lookin’ fer a JERB! You can find out who he is by clicking through to his journamalism work, but we won’t be naming him OUT LOUD like some kind of big life ruiner. And we trust you not to harass him or in any manner be life-ruiners yourselves. (Though the young man is a Milo fan, this is not like a “wink wink don’t harass him” like Milo would do. We mean it. Also, he looks like he’s about 12 years old. So really, no life-ruining.)

(Sic throughout.)

A Troll Finds His Mark

Hi my names Ollie I am writing to apply for a writing or editorial position with your website.I am an experienced writer and journalist with a Bachelor’s degree in Journalism from the the University of Florida and 3 years of newspaper reporting experience.

I have worked as a writer at some well established organisations in the past including the Chicago Herald and a website that I founded called USAPoliticsToday which Now has over 1.2 million Facebook likes as well as over a million monthly website visitors.This wide ranging experience has allowed me to develop my writing skills as well as my all round journalistic standards to the point were I’m now passionate and committed to my writing.

I am highly investigative and curious always looking to find the most unique or pertinent angle to a story.I also have a concise conversational writing style that allows me to put together a piece quickly and efficiently with no errors.It would be my pleasure to bring these talents to your team.

I have a real passion for writing and journalism.My main goals in my writing are to report on the truth and really dig deep to find out facts and information that nobody else writes about.However with my writing I’m also determined to make sure that every thing I say is true and factual as I report on the truth and have done for every organisation that I have worked for since I got my degree.

Here are some examples of the previous articles that I have written in the past

1-http://www.usapoliticstoday.com/nbc-cutting-show-megyn-kellys-new-show/
2-http://www.usapoliticstoday.com/marco-rubio-vote-tillersons-confirmed/
3-http://www.usapoliticstoday.com/kkk-protests-jeff-sessions-hearing/

I Hope you will accept this offer if so I’d love to hear back.

Thanks Ollie

We checked out his post on “KKK protests Jeff Sessions hearing,” because we were pretty sure the KKK is in fact a big Jeff Sessions fan! (It is.) Here were the first two grafs:

Republican Alabama senator Jeff Sessions’s,president-elect Donald Trump’s pick for Attorney General Was scheduled to face his confirmation hearing today however he was immediately interrupted by two men dressed in KKK costumes screaming and preaching their Black Lives Matter talking points.

Following on from these two men protesting and shouting racist talking points.They were then escorted out by the police force who were their specifically to remove protestors.

Yes, that would fit in just PERFECTLY at Wonkette! But then all this news kept happening, and we forgot to offer Ollie a job befitting a man whose previous work was at the Chicago Herald, which does not exist.

The Chicago Herald may refer to the following newspapers:

The Chicago Herald (1881–95), merged with the Chicago Times in 1895 to form the Chicago Times-Herald
The Chicago Record-Herald, its successor, published from 1901 to 1914
The Chicago Herald (1914–18), its successor, known as the Chicago Herald-Examiner from 1918 to 1939
The Chicago Herald-American, its successor from 1939 to 1953
The Daily Herald (Arlington Heights), published since 1871

Well, he is a dogged young time traveler, as is correct when you are passionate about writing and reporting on the truth.

Fake News Kid WON’T BE IGNORED, DAN

So he sent us another letter, again! This one changes his “degree” from U of F to a “course” at U of F. (His linked-in says he goes to Oxford, which seems … unlikely as well.) Also, he says he is from Texas, but the Google Plus attached to his account says he is from Manchester, Not America, just like a young man by the same name we found on Facebook who mostly posts Milo videos and looks about 17 and is definitely NOT from Texas and probably didn’t attend U of F.

Hello my name is Ollie I’m from Texas I really love your site and i love all the work that you guys are doing.In the past I wrote and co-founded a site called USA politics today which has around 1 million facebook likes and is doing quite well however I want to get my message out to a larger audience and really spread the information on a larger scale.

Thats why I’m asking if you would consider me for a potential witting slot on your website i’m passionate about politics and writing and i enjoy spreading my message to large audiences and sharing and reporting the truth when it comes to politics.

I would bring vast worldwide political knowledge to you guys.I could write articles spanning from worldwide things politics to American politics.Anything you guys need I would try my best to do

I love writing in all forms as i have just recently finished a course in writing at the university of Florida and i have a big passion for journalism as a whole so i would love to be able to apply my writing skills on your website.I have experience in Image and video editing as well as writing which is my greatest passion

I have included my CV below.

[He did not include his CV, which is good, because it was probably full of RUSSIAN PHISHING SPAMMS!]

I’d love to hear back from you guys and id be happy to provide you with any other information that you may need if so.

Thanks
Ollie

The Hook Catches The Fish, and The Fish Is US!

Bubba Grump

So we asked him to write us something. Anything he wanted! We were like “what would you write us?” and he was like “stuff” and we were like “okay!” He claimed to be a Democrat (I don’t think they have those in the UK?) but that he could be hard on Dems too if they deserved it. We offered $25, and asked him to write us up a post on problems with the AHCA.

Me: ok, why don’t you write me up your first suggestion, on problems with the [Trumpcare AHCA] bill? just a word doc is fine.

Nine minutes later, Ollie responded.

1. The GOP plan will lead to significant declines in coverage as well as accelerating the exhaustion of the Medicare trust fund due to the tax cuts. After years of Republicans complaining that co-pays and deductibles were too high in Obamacare, co-pays and deductibles will be significantly higher under their replacement. The plan will significantly reduce taxes on the rich.

2. Adverse selection seems like a huge problem in this plan. The individual mandate is gone, healthy people can buy coverage at any time with only a 30 percent penalty, and eliminating actuarial values makes it simpler for insurers to pull the young and healthy away from older and sick.

3. The plan is strikingly regressive compared to the Affordable Care Act. Cynthia Cox estimates that a 40-year-old making 160 percent of the poverty line would get $4,143 in subsidies under the ACA, but only $3,000 under the GOP plan. By contrast, a 40-year-old making $75,000 would get nothing under the ACA, but $3,000 under the GOP plan.

4. A core Republican complaint when Obamacare was passed was that the law delayed many of its provisions in order to reduce public outcry and manipulate the CBO’s score. The GOP bill is similarly aggressive with such tricks, delaying changes to the Medicaid expansion until 2020 and pushing Obamacare’s tax on expensive insurance plans out until 2025.

5. Nor are movement conservatives pleased with this plan, which leaves the basic architecture of Obamacare intact, and doesn’t begin to phase out the Medicaid expansion until 2020 (raising the question of whether it will ever phase out at all).

6. This is much more Obamacare 2.0 than I expected from the GOP. The structure and generosity of the subsidies change, but Medicaid is left alone until 2020, and the odds it changes after that are open to debate. On the regulatory side, many of Obamacare’s key protections, from essential benefits to lifetime limits to protections for preexisting conditions, remain in place. On the tax side, the Cadillac tax, to my surprise, survives, in theory at least.

7. Because Republicans aren’t even trying to win Democratic votes, they’re stuck designing a bill that can wiggle through the budget reconciliation process (another thing they complained about Democrats doing). That means they can’t make major changes to insurance markets like repealing Obamacare’s essential benefit standards or allowing insurance to be sold across state lines.

8. This bill has a lot of problems, and more will come clear as experts study its language, the Congressional Budget Office release its estimates, and industry players make themselves heard. But the biggest problem this bill has is that it’s not clear why it exists. What does it make better? What is it even trying to achieve? Democrats wanted to cover more people and reduce long-term costs, and they had an argument for how their bill did both. As far as I can tell, Republicans have neither. At best, you can say this bill makes every obvious health care metric a bit worse, but at least it cuts taxes on rich people?

Did you google the first paragraph too, like we did? And then all the other paragraphs? And discover they’re all from the same Vox post by Ezra Klein — and not just that, but a post from seven days ago, before the CBO score even came out! Be more up to date with your plagiarisms! A week is a year in AHCA policy reportage!

We Were All, Um, Hmmm, This Is Plagiarism?

Plagiarism is Magic!

After five seconds of googling, we wrote back to our admirer:

Me: I’m unclear, is this a post you just wrote for me?

Him: yes

Him again: those are some of the key reasons why the health care plan is bad

Me: but the whole thing is from Vox … ?

Him: yes i know did you want me to write it up myself cause if you want i can do that

Him again: sorry i misunderstood you ill write up some reasons now

WON’T GET FOOLED AGAIN!

Well HELLO young Roger Daltrey, what are you doing here???

We were like well geeeeee, we don’t knowwww, we asked if you wrote it and you said yes and are you even from Texas bro? But Oliver is too busy writing it up for us to respond to our gentle query. Man, I can’t wait to receive it and google all the paragraphs! In the meantime, though, our young Ollie is keeping busy at his own blog, USAPoliticsToday.com, where he explains Nancy Pelosi is bad and Paul Ryan is dreamy, just like a regular US American Democrat from Manchester, UK.

There is also a massive difference between what Paul Ryan is doing now and what Nancy Pelosi said back in 2009.Ryan’s presentation yesterday was designed so that Americans could see what was in the bill. Allow me to show you myself what’s in the bill, Ryan was saying, replete with nifty charts and graphs.This is a stark contrast to Nancy Pelosi who back in 2009 was trying to ram Obamacare through committee votes in order to get a quick vote in the House and Senate.

h/t breitbart.com

That is just a very informed vast worldwide political knowledge that is definitely true. It is also definitely plagiarized from HotAir.com.

Pity The Fool?

So, if we’d been nicer to young Master Ollie, could we have led him away from his life of blogcrime, toward Real Journalism? Could it all have been a cry for help trying to leave behind the Fake News morass and climb out into the light? Perhaps his dumb rightwing blog, in all its illiterate glory, belied a young man wanting to seek the truth but with no mentors? Or was he trying to James O’Keefe us, so we could print his dumb plagiarized bullshit, 2: ???? and then 3: PROFIT!

Nah, it was definitely that second one.

Also, We Won’t Be Paying That Nice Young Man His $25

You know how Donald and Ivanka Trump are always like “these diamonds are not good enough! We will not pay you your $2 million (but we’re keeping the diamonds)”? When you turn in plagiarized work to wonkette.com, it really ISN’T good enough! We would send Ezra Klein the $25, but he’s got, like, VC money, so fuck that.

Wonkette is ad-free, VC-funding-free, supported only by Readers Like You, and was born neither yesterday nor on a turnip truck. Help a sister out!

$
Donate with CCDonate with CC
  • Beowoof14

    A Trumper writing in with all the skills of the Trump grifting team. Nice.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    Does Fake News call for Fake Dick Jokes? Could we get pumped up for that?

  • AnnieGetYerFun
  • Latverian Diplomat

    yes i know did you want me to write it up myself cause if you want i can do that

    “Oh you wanted a sample of my writing? ”

    Honest mistake, obviously.

  • tapp_my_wire,please

    Any Wonkette destined cover letter/resume w/o at least 2 dick jokes?
    pffft.

  • memzilla Ω

    BREAKING: WH Announces New Assistant Deputy Press Secretary

    • dslindc

      I can see Adam Sandler coming back to SNL to play him now.

  • MynameisBlarney
  • schmannity

    A Gator? He writes like a Nole.

  • Inner Venom

    So I can’t secure a solid office job with an Associate’s Degree but this kid who doesn’t even capitalize “I” when referring to himself in a sentence gets hired just like that? UNFAIR!

  • Latverian Diplomat

    “Dear Wonkette, forum. I’d always heard about plagiarism, but I never thought it would happen to me until one day….”

    • kindness

      That better follow with ‘at band camp’ if you want our eyes to watch.

  • Ms.MLG on Maui

    …And that was the fateful day Roger Daltry’s jeans squeezed his balls to death like a boa constrictor, children.

  • Gwennie_G

    Fake News Troll Wants To Write For Wonkette! WE SAID YES!!!!

    “Reader, I married him.”

  • kareemachan

    Am I the only one who thinks that he’s too dumb to realize how hard we’re all laughing at him and is all “HEY, THEY WROTE ABOUT ME ON A WEBSITE!!!!11!!” instead?

    • tomamitai

      No! 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

  • Pinkham’s Law

    I can confirm: the formality and rigid structure of the Wonkette hiring process is accurately described here.

    • theCryptofishist

      Where did you copy your recipes from?

      • Pinkham’s Law

        I at least re-phrase them!

        Honestly, most of them are variations of ones I’ve found. Very, very few are identical to someone else’s. And even those, I re-write.

        • Come here a minute

          The key to Wonkette recipe style is to throw in a few “or whatevers” when describing ingredient quantities.

          • Pinkham’s Law

            I try to be a bit more precise than that, while simultaneously being utterly opaque. Actual ingredient list for a recent recipe:

            IV beef shanks, cut II uncia thick

            II scant acetabulum flour

            I + I/II ligula salt

            I + I/II ligula pepper

            XI scant ligula olive oil

            I large onion, diced

            X garlic cloves, minced

            III celery ribs, diced

            III large carrots, I/II digitus cubes

            III dashes Green Chili Tabasco

            I + I/II ligula orange zest

            II generous acetabulum Lemon Juice

            II generous acetabulum Tarragon

            III/IV ligula sage

            I ligula parsley

            III/IV ligula thyme

            II bay leaf

            I quartarius and I acetabulum beef stock

            I quartarius and I cyathus red wine

            IV large tomatoes, skinned and chopped

          • FlownΩver

            I tried that recipe, substituting a cubic cubit of topsoil for the tarragon (I was out). It was awful. Why do you publish crap like this?

          • Pinkham’s Law

            Mostly to harvest comments like yours, TBH.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Him: yes i know did you want me to write it up myself cause if you want i can do that

    Him again: sorry i misunderstood you ill write up some reasons now

    Well, this is certainly Pulitzer Prize material right here. Now if y’all will excuse me, I’ll be in my bunk.

  • dslindc

    I’m still waiting for my coffee, so perhaps he could be of some use.

  • Gwennie_G

    This guy avoids the conflict of whether to use one space or two after a period by not using ANY.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      And on occasion he drops an apostrophe. PORN!!

    • tomamitai

      What conflict? It’s two spaces after a period and fuck Farhad Manjoo and anyone else who says otherwise!

      • Teecha

        I was forced to ‘correct’ 158 end of year reports last year because I had committed the ‘error’ of putting in a double space after a full stop. Despite explaining that our keyboards are set up to insert a full stop and use a capital letter if you type in a double space. No. Wrong. No one does that ever. Fix all 158. Average of 4 double spaces per report.

        Cunts.

    • Painter of Swedish Tragedies

      TWO spaces. Get off my lawn!

    • Gwennie_G

      I see I have opened a can of worms.Sorry.

  • An Outhouse for the Resistance

    Those Macedonian kids made it seem so easy.

  • jangoodell

    I am sure this was John Oliver having fun with you…or maybe Oliver North (or maybe Kukla’s and Fran’s friend).

    • Gwennie_G

      Or maybe it was the Green Arrow, Oliver Queen.

      • Inner Venom

        Nah, Green Arrow is a swashbuckling activist. Definitely not this guy.

        • MynameisBlarney

          FALSE!

          I have not once seen Green Arrow buckle a single swash!

      • Latverian Diplomat

        OT: People say the Clark Kent/glasses thing is a weak disguise, but the guy with blond Robin Hood facial hair is not even trying.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        It could be a Laszlo Toth wannabe.

      • theCryptofishist

        “Oliver Queen”? Is this Green Arrow fellow gay pre-Stonewall?

    • jenny_whyme

      I have a kindergarten friend named Oliver. Maybe it was him.

  • hendenburg2

    Wait!

    Wonkette FINALLY caught the attention of James O’Keefe?!

    Does this mean he sailed up to our fair site in the SS DildoCanoe?

    • Boscoe

      Dressed like a 1970’s pimp?

  • Vincent Ricola

    OT – Melissa McCarthy is about to throw CNN’s Jim Acosta out of the lie to the press conference because of mean health care questions. I am amused.

    • BosGrl

      Acosta is the only one who is pushing Spicer to back up the drivel he is spouting.

  • bookish
  • Latverian Diplomat

    “Here is an example of the kind of excellent writing I aspire to write myself one day.”

    • Boscoe

      Everyone knows you gotta fake it till you make it! Just look at Trump, he’s STILL fakin’ it!

  • PubOption

    Ivanka is two-faced?

  • Opiwan

    I want to know if he’s the one who did the Ivanka/Devil Wears Prada photoshop, because that is some world class photo editing right there…

  • ImpureScience

    Dead giveaway: periods and commas followed by the next word with no intervening space. Bzzzt.

    • jenny_whyme

      I kind of noticed how he was totally inconsistent with the word “I” which I was taught should ALWAYS be fucking capitalized. (I used some extra caps shifting because it offended me how many times he forgot.)

    • eggsacklywright

      One of those anti-kerning bigots.

  • memzilla Ω
  • dslindc

    Maybe it’s Bristol Palin trying to improve her resume.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    To whatever it may concern,

    I want to right potery for your sight. I have lots of experience with potery with a degree in it from the Wart-in School. This is one of my originating poteries, which I wrote. Please advise and consent.

    I wandered lonly as a crowd,
    Whens all but he had fledd,
    But aw, my fose, and ooh, my fiends,
    I think that I shall never see.

  • tomamitai

    There’s something about the way he writes, assuming that he actually wrote any of that and didn’t cut-&-paste it all, that makes me suspect that English isn’t “Ollie’s” native tongue. The domain name is registered through a proxy called “Dreamhost” and seems to be on a server in Phoenix, but one of the last ip addresses to show up in a tracert seems to be in Stockholm. Of course, I’m just an amateur at this stuff, so I may be totally wrong about this.

    • SweetDeeKat

      It’s janky and hard to read. Plus, I don’t know many Texans who can string all them words together at once without stopping to play with the dog.

      • Jus_Wonderin

        Hey, now, I am from T………………………………who’s a good boy?

        • marxalot

          I only get work done because mine isn’t allowed in the office.

        • SweetDeeKat

          I’m a Texan, too. Hey, ya want a Coke? What kind?

          • marxalot

            You got Dr Pepper?

          • SweetDeeKat

            Check the cooler in the back of the truck.

      • Boscoe

        Not to mention, named “Ollie”.

  • msanthropesmr

    Is Ollie related to Lori?

    • dslindc

      You’d think he’d jump on that sweet Google train and get his own McLaren!

  • Greyhame

    Well then, I guess the creepy Republican kids haven’t changed much since I was a lad, only these days they have internets.

  • Vincent Ricola

    Ollie should’ve reached out to Brad for tips and suggestions on how to correctly integrate into the Wonkosphere.

    • Boscoe

      My guess is he just found the url on a list somewhere. Clearly he’s never actually BEEN here.

  • jangoodell

    I noted numerous mechanical errors, which seemed deliberately styled to catch your eye. Roger Daltry caught my eye also.

    • MeerkatsRMammals

      Right??? Damn! I totally forgot…thanks for reminding us, Editrix ;)

  • OrG

    Is our wingnuts learning?

    • Inner Venom

      They’re on track for success at DeVos Community College.

  • Shoto

    Ezra Klein has Viet Cong (VC) money? How did he manage that?

    • Painter of Swedish Tragedies

      Ooooh. I thought it was video cassette money. My mistake.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      It’s a long story involving a time machine and CIA Heroin.

    • Red Bird Ω

      VEGETARIAN CHILI

  • Latverian Diplomat

    I kinda think that submitting a passage from Mein Kampf to Breitbart would probably get you the job.

    • MeerkatsRMammals

      No. Too “mainstream”…you’d have to go with that “Camp of the Saints” that seems to be all the rage among the Nazis right now.

  • Pinkham’s Law

    I’m impressed by the way, in his article about the man breaking in to the White House, he uses Fox News as his source, but gives his HT to Infowars. He’s as consistent as the Precedent!

    • Shoto

      Infowars is always a good secondary source to back up Fox News stories. And vice versa.

      • tomamitai

        It’s the ouroboros of derp.

  • Mavenmaven

    Probably working for O’Keefe and they were going to reveal that despite what everyone says, they DO allow comments at Wonkette! Video at 9!

  • (Major_Major_Major)ly_Pissed

    As a UF alum, fuck this guy.

    • Bub the Hoohah! loving Zombie

      Did you minor in gator wrasslin’?

      • theCryptofishist

        Don’t you have to be Seminole?

  • msanthropesmr

    I always list the daily planet as one of my places of employment.

    • MeerkatsRMammals

      I formerly worked in HR and life-long lover of Superman. Gotta say, if I ever stumbled across a resume that listed Daily Planet, they would’ve been in for an interview SO fast ;)

      • HolidayinCambodia

        You could ask specifics. What a blast that could be!

        • MeerkatsRMammals

          Shit you not… Currently listening to your user name 😅 the only other good Jello aside from little cups spiked with vodka!

          This would’ve been highlight of my interviewing career! Interviews are SO boring (for both parties). “How will you harness the power of our sun to get your tasks done?” “I refuse to kneel before Zod. Can you ensure this won’t happen?” “I see you list Kryptonite as a weakness…”

          • HolidayinCambodia

            Sometimes an interview can be memorable. About 10 years ago, I was interviewing a student for a summer job, and I made an innocent comment about the candidate’s blouse (we were all wearing pink), and the candidate proceeded to rip her classmates and then my wife BY NAME–my wife was a professor and never took my last name. When the student left, the other interviewer and I exhaled hard, and he said to me, “that was the most unbelievable interview I have ever been in.”

        • Bitter Scribe

          “ACHIEVEMENTS: Covered Lex Luthor’s last three efforts to take over Metropolis.”

  • Ms.MLG on Maui

    No dick jokes, and I get the distinct impression he was wearing pants when he wrote this. Smells like canned clams and desperation.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/8ff920f50f6d485b9b75a451cfb0803de633895ce7d0a1d993d3f97def7a51b2.jpg

    • Nasty Candy Apple

      He gets a 0 out of 4 Cakes We Like.

      • Teecha

        And he does not save bread.

    • MeerkatsRMammals

      Agreed! I was nodding out by point #2. Not at all like the fantastic articles here that keep me doubled over in laughter right until the very end where they beg you for money. Wait a minute…I donated last week! Those sneaky bastards!

  • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

    Another one doesn’t quite pass the Turing Test.

  • canes_pugnaces

    “Liberals are attacking Trump aides, look what happened to Sean Spicer. He is the smartest and the best spokesperson in our history, look what he…”

    Seriously, how could you Wonkers be so narrow-minded. We need this brand of even-handed journalism. Spicer IS the smartest spokesperson in the universe, even if he does look like an insurance agent with a nervous tick due to being sexually assaulted by Mango Kong every day after work. And: I don’t always have time to read Vox and this would help.

    Reconsider.

  • msanthropesmr

    I am still waiting for my payment for the witty insightful comments I make.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      Wait! We can comment here???

      • Pinkham’s Law

        I saw nothing indicating where these allegedly witty & insightful comments were made. Have you seen evidence it was here?

        • proudgrampa

          I think he’s – oh, hell – I think we’re ALL deluded thinking that we are making any witty and insightful comments. Which aren’t allowed in the first place too. Also.

          • tomamitai

            Especially after we’ve been drinking.

          • yyyaz

            Wait, some alleged non-commenters actually are sober when they do this?

          • tomamitai

            Hopefully the ones not commenting while driving are.

      • Teecha

        Nope. You know better!

      • shastakoala

        I can’t see what you just commented.

    • Shoto

      Those payments are usually laundered through the George Soros Outside Agitator Fund, so it takes a little time for the cash to flow.

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    so that’s what became of cousin Oliver. I guess ruining the Brady Bunch wasn’t good enough for him…

    • msanthropesmr

      I though that he and Chuck Cunningham had a flat together.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        I thought he and little Billy from Who’s the Boss? moved in together and adopted that puppy, Scrappy Doo

        • Boscoe

          I thought he shaved his head and became a Minion.

    • OrG

      Oliver SAVED the Brady Bunch! Take it back!!!!!!

  • calliecallie

    Is it wrong that this just makes me sad? Poor deluded boy.

    • Jonny On Maui

      No.

    • Gwennie_G

      It made me a little sad too. Not enough to not make fun of him, but still a little sad.

    • Boscoe

      Why, he could be PRESIDENT some day. Sadly.

    • theCryptofishist

      No. It means you’re a decent, nice person. The rest of us are nasty fuckers.
      Note: Roles may be reversed at any time, without notice.

  • dslindc

    Perhaps he could try paid protesting instead. I hear George Soros is paying lots of money for that.

    • Nasty Candy Apple

      Where can I sign up for that? I’d like to be paid for something I already do for free.

      • Treg Brown

        SIgn up via your microwave. Couldn’t be easier.

        • Jonny On Maui

          You bastard! Ms.MLG is talking at the microwave right now!

          • Treg Brown

            She knows what’s up :- )

          • Ms.MLG on Maui

            Stand in front of your Spycrowave! I want to say good morning!

          • Treg Brown

            Here’s my chin! And my eye!! Morning!!

          • Ms.MLG on Maui

            Good morning! Sorry about the mess in here. Warmed up some spaghetti sauce last night!

          • Treg Brown

            Speaking of messes, I haven’t shaved in 5 days. My patchiness is a genetic embarrassment.

          • Ms.MLG on Maui

            That’s OK. I look like some badgers had a fight in my hair and I’m coated in pastry crumbs. I am unashamed!

          • Treg Brown

            As you should be! Hawaii cries out to be coated in pastry crumbs! I hope this day is treating you well. I’m taking Rosie out for a well deserved walk. She’s been waiting patiently all morning while I read.

            *hug*

          • Ms.MLG on Maui

            *hug* for you and Rosie. Send me a picture sometime!!

        • Painter of Swedish Tragedies

          I forget – do you use the beverage or potato button?

          • Treg Brown

            It’s press Level, Level, Timer, $ amount you want to be paid ($50-125 per hour), then ding the bell to agree to terms of employment.

          • Boscoe

            up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right A, B. WIN!

        • Gayer Than Thou

          I mean, they did used to be called “Radar Range.”

      • OrG

        First,you need to drink more Ovaltine.

        • eggsacklywright

          I guess it was OK for Captain Midnight, but to me it always tasted like chocolate milk with sawdust in it.

          • Boscoe

            That’s because you forgot to drink it through the decoder ring. ;P

    • Inner Venom

      “Those commie pinko protesters need to get jobs…even though they’re already being paid for by Soros. Wait a minute…” -Wingnuts

    • Boscoe

      -And I hear Obama will even come pick you up in his station wagon and drive you to the protest!

  • Jonny On Maui

    I bet his real name is Brad…

  • azeyote

    not ready for a stand up routine that’s for sure –

  • kindness

    Needz moar mockery. Hmmmm, I wonder if that works with the nice man.

  • Jenny

    With skills like that, he should be killing those Macedonia run facebook news blogs. Focus Ollie!

  • proudgrampa

    Well, he SEEMED nice.

  • Red Bird Ω

    There, their, they’re. Ugh.

    • proudgrampa

      Words. Who knew they meant anything?

      • Red Bird Ω

        Well, it is their language, after all. Preserve the culture with your words not someone else’s babbies.

    • I know, no?

    • WotsAllThisThen

      It’s all right their in Strunk & Twitter’s Style Gide.

    • (Major_Major_Major)ly_Pissed

      Fuck it, ahma spell it lahk ah say it. Thar, thar, thar. Ain’t no diffrence, atall.

  • WotsAllThisThen

    That’s some all round journalistic standards. I usually settle for triangular or even dodecahedron.

    And his name is Ollie? What a twist!

  • Bill D. Burger
  • Bill D. Burger
  • Boscoe

    I would’ve thought “with no errors” would’ve been a dealbreaker…? ;P

  • Pinkham’s Law

    “I also have a concise conversational writing style that allows me to put together a piece quickly and efficiently with no errors.”

    No, you don’t. No, it doesn’t.

    • Painter of Swedish Tragedies

      Cut and Paste is not a writing style. Yet.

      • Call it a font and you’re halfway there.

      • efoveks

        That’s Cut and Pasta to you, missy!

      • eggsacklywright

        Mmmmm…paste. Yummy.

      • Lefty Wright

        To paraphrase our fearless leader, nobody knew cut and paste could be so complicated. It’s an unbelievably complex subject.

    • suziq

      One of the favorite job applications I got had, under skills, proofreding, which brightened my day of looking at resumes from totally unqualified people who assured me they were perfect for the job.

      • Jamoche

        Now, if the job posting had said proofreding, that would be a great way to find the people who will compulsively proofread.

        • Lamashtar

          I’m told that reading skill is basically brainwashing, because you can’t help yourself when the symbols are presented. I have to wonder what goes on inside my head when the symbols are in the wrong order and I experience rage to the point I want to hunt down the person who put those symbols together and scream at them until they fix it.

          (Grammatical syntax mistakes I’m not knowledgeable enough to notice immediately cause me painful shame.)

      • Pinkham’s Law

        I try to be careful in my recipe posts, but am still very, VERY glad that someone else proofs them before they go live. I still find occasional goofs after they go live, despite ‘Trix & Dok’s best efforts.

        • suziq

          We just assume they are intentional when they come through, kind of handy being a snarky blog!

  • shastakoala

    I think Ollie needs to upgrade his con man skills. Has he read “Art of the Deal?”

    • tomamitai

      Trump hasn’t, why should anyone else?

      • Wellstone En Resistencia, Coño

        He needs to pursue a degree from Trump University.

  • Crank Tango

    Applies for writing position.

    Oh, did you want me to write something?

    • Boscoe

      hey, maybe at Oxford copy/paste is considered an essential “writing” technique! YOU DON’T KNOW! ;P

      • theCryptofishist

        Got to remember that back in the Middle Ages when Oxford was founded, you did a lot of copying and not much original work. Plus, now Oxford is a comfort university for the British elite, and originality is not valued there either. But usually copy/paste was illuminated manuscript on calf skin vellum, so 9 minutes is pretty damn good.

        • Liberoid Ron

          ‘Brother, hast thou seen the novice Olliver at his copying?’
          ‘Aye, and verily, though he erreth more than a little, he doth write full speedily.’
          ‘Should’st have speech wi’th’ lad anent that most roist’rous change of sense in Commandement the Sixth?’
          ‘Nay, it certes me that no priest nor monk nor prior would’st be confounded by it. Pay it no heed.’

  • marxalot

    Bye, Olicia.*

    *Not an “Arrow” reference, I don’t care about your tv show, do what makes you happy.

    • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

      Bye Ollicia!

  • efoveks

    I too am interested in a witting position with your fine publication. — Love, efoveks

    (My mama can attest I work cheep.)

    • Boscoe

      NOE! Higher ME! I do words GOOD.

      • Toomush_Inferesistance

        Werds is ME!…

    • eggsacklywright

      I have a degree in Doctor of Words.

  • Notreelyhelping

    Now theirs a naive little deer.

  • Me not sure
  • Kiri the Paid Protestor

    Bring me this “Ollie”. I will instruct him in the ways of pleasure and terror.

    • Raan

      Will his suffering be legendary even in hell?

      • Kiri the Paid Protestor

        Gosh, I don’t know that he rates that… I was just gonna make him walk funny for a while.

  • Jon Sussex

    With an effort like that, pretty soon it will be Ollie Ollie income free!

  • Wellstone En Resistencia, Coño

    So, I’s confuseds. How is it that we should not make fun of him? Is it because it would be too easy?

    • doktorzoom

      Go ahead and make fun of him. Don’t doxx him.

      • Oblios_Cap

        That would not only be wrong, but it also would require entirely too much effort on my part.

        • yyyaz

          I was told there would be no effort.

    • Jamoche

      Only in the comments that don’t exist.

  • HolidayinCambodia

    Nine minutes, LOL. My wife spends HOURS on her Wonkette posts, because she doesn’t want to get anything wrong, and because it’s fun to write casual fare, for a change.

    Would you have published his piece if he had a dick joke?

    • rebecca

      no. WHO’S YOUR WIFE????

      • HolidayinCambodia

        Mary Brigid. But I’m deleting this comment in a minute.

        • ChancellorKnuckles

          It’s too late…I’ve seen everything

        • Clyde Barrow

          Too late. Took a screen shot and forwarded it to Obama’s microwave.

      • HolidayinCambodia

        And she won’t let me put in dick jokes.

      • Nockular cavity

        Mrs. Cambodia, duh.

  • Craig Peters
    • eggsacklywright

      Nice hat, Ollie. Kinda flashy.

    • yyyaz

      Is that a rat in his cheek from sucking face with Preznit Bannon?

    • Clyde Barrow

      His führer salute is so 1936.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Here were the first two grafs

    My eyes hurt now. Bye Felipe troll!

  • Anna Elizabeth

    Observation: Stupid people think that *they* are smart, and that it’s everyone else that is stupid.

    • YoBunnyBunny

      And they are so stupid they don’t even notice when people go on HIGH BULLSHIT ALERT!. Somehow they miss the meta-message behind the quizzically furrowed brows and measured “mmm-hmmm’s” and “oh really’s”.

    • Infrequentcontributor

      aka Dunning-Kruger effect

  • Bitter Scribe

    I’ve seen people write with two spaces after each period (and it annoys the fuck out of me when I’m editing that stuff and have to do a search and replace), but I’ve never seen anyone write with NO space after each period. Maybe it’s an Ollie thing.

    Are Kukla and Fran going to apply for jobs too?

    BTW, the Daily Herald is a real thing in the Chicago area.

    • marxalot

      My brother puts a space before an after colon and semicolon and it makes me want to stab him (I mean, more than usual sibling-directed-violence). Somewhere fleshy, like his arse.

      • Jamoche

        If you’re a software localizer, the string “%s: %s” is not one of those harmless content-free strings you can just use inline; it has to be a localizable string so French can have “%s : %s”. Yes, I learned this the hard way.

    • wide_stance_hubby

      As a proofreader, I hate seeing double spaces between sentences! It’s a carryover from Ye Olde Typewriter times when every character had a fixed space, so just one space did nothing to distinguish one sentence from another. It being 2017, I would think schools would have stopped teaching that!

      • suziq

        Well I think there are a lot of olds like me who learned the typing on a typewriter in school and of course you double space after a period. Then you are all growed up and get a computer and who tells you that you just single space after a period? Nobody, until Slate had an article several years ago (that they still run sometimes) saying NEVER EVER double space after a period. By that point I don’t know if I still did but I stopped. Don’t really think it is something to get all shabby about though.

        Also I don’t think it took the whole first paragraph to realize Ollie did not whip out that article in 9 minutes. Or in his lifetime. SAD!

        • Jamoche

          And then predictive smartphone typing systems added a feature where double-space is a shortcut for “insert a period and a space, so you don’t have to swap in the symbol keyboard to find it”. I wonder just how discoverable that is for people who didn’t learn touch-typing on typewriters.

        • Bitter Scribe

          My very first post-college job was on a MANUAL typewriter, that’s how old I am (and how shitty the job was), and I never learned that two-spaces-after-the-period rule.

          • suziq

            But did you just learn to type on your own or did you take classes? Because that IS what they taught. And yup, my parents had a manual typewriter so that is what I used for term papers and such. Those IBM Selectrics they had at school were fancy! With the letters on a ball so they would not stick when you type fast.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Us olds were taught to put 2 spaces after a period back when there was a class taught called “Typing”. Blame it on education…

    • Pinkham’s Law

      I learned on a typewriter, so I have always used two spaces. “Trix beat me vigorously about the head and shoulders after each of the first two Recipehub posts I made. I no longer do that – at least in the Recipehub posts. I still slip in non-comments, out of habit, but I’m getting better!

    • Gayer Than Thou

      I put two spaces after the periods. Because I was raised properly, not by wolves or communists.

  • bookish

    http://reason.com/blog/2017/03/14/border-guards-now-snatching-and-searchin

    Some Americans are also getting their cell phones swiped while leaving the country, with a CBP spokesperson telling NBC that agents may be acting on concerns over industrial policy, whatever the hell that means. “CBP has adapted and adjusted to align with current threat information, which is based on intelligence,” is how the spokesperson explained the sharp increase.

    The NBC News piece has other tales of individual outrage, including quotes from those detained and searched, plus legal analysis that mostly amounts to: We’re screwed. Scott Shackford’s post contains plenty of other information, including about counter legislation being introduced by Sen. Ron Wyden (D-Oregon). This New York Times how-to suggests we get in the habit of buying travel burner phones. This keeps up and even technologically incompetent Americans (coughs) will deploy the evasion techniques of master criminals.

    • Liberoid Ron

      Turning ordinary Americans into criminals seems to be part of the overarching plan.

  • Jgb979

    MASSIVE OBVIOUS GIVEWAY #1 of about 720: Nobody outside of the U.K. Calls it a “CV”

    • theCryptofishist

      I’m going to replace “nobody” with “few”. Although, they tend to be elites.

      • Jgb979

        Microscopically few in “Texas” at the very least.

        • theCryptofishist

          Fair enough.

    • The Flaming Carrot

      Expert witnesses and academics are the only ones I know of.

    • What Pierre said

      Er, I do. Have I been getting it wrong all this time?

    • eggsacklywright

      I thought CV was a kind of Citroen?

    • Liberoid Ron
  • Panika MCD

    as we say in Real Texas:

    Bless his little heart!

    • marxalot

      Well, he’s thicker than two short planks and, bless his heart, never learned why we don’t play in traffic, but the Lord loves him just the same.

      • Panika MCD

        I’m not sure if you know what “Bless his little heart!” means.

        • marxalot

          Oh, have you never encountered the “Jesus loves him” rider? If “bless your heart” is “die in a fire,” “Jesus loves you” is “and no one else ever will.”

  • theCryptofishist

    Plus, shouldn’t your plagiarism be re-written to conform with the Wonkette Style Guide?

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    I’ve written two articles for you.

    A
    The

    Now I’m out of material.

    • HolidayinCambodia

      An

      • Liberoid Ron

        Elitist!

      • Lamashtar

        Too far.

  • Raan

    ITT: Jokes about this motherfucker.

    How do you know when Oliver has plagiarized something? It’s properly punctuated.

    • Anna Elizabeth

      XD

    • theCryptofishist

      Yeah.No space after a period.Maybe he’s making up for all those years he used to put in two.

      • Carpe Vagenda

        And something like 2/3 of the people reading probably don’t know what you meant by that.

        • WeaselPoo

          Five years ago I would not have known to what you are referring, but I learned it from a lovely lady from Ecuador.

      • eggsacklywright

        He dint go to kerning skool.

        • yyyaz

          Hold my pica pole, I’ll make it fit.

          • eggsacklywright

            He’ll be on Kandid Kamera with Alan Font.

          • yyyaz

            Ouuuuchh.

          • Lamashtar

            ::smacks you around::

    • Raan

      Oliver walks into a bar. He starts to tell a joke about the priest, the rabbi, and the imam walking into a bar. The joke is stolen. He claims credit anyway.

  • Toomush_Inferesistance

    Well, he sounded highly investigative….

    • coozledad

      Conversational, too.

  • Carpe Vagenda

    Wow. These people have tags at Snopes *and* Media Matters.

  • frrolfe

    https://www.theguardian.com/technology/2017/mar/14/we-vibe-vibrator-tracking-users-sexual-habits
    Dreadful news from Canadia for all all lovers of personal massage devices:

    • tomamitai

      Dreadful? That article says they can get up to C$10,000 each! What’s that in Ameros, a buck fifteen, just for diddling themselves?

    • Mike O’Day

      The tyranny of the Internet of Things continues…………………….

      PS: Dear Editrix – I would gladly plagiarize Ezra Klein for a mere $10, that’s a $15 savings!!

    • Nyumbu

      No, just those who took this whole notion of the Internet of Things too far. There’s no data to be gotten from mine unless it has one of those cameras inside, like KellyAnne was talking about.

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      It’s not just your microwave anymore.

    • yyyaz

      The app that controls the vibrator is barely secured, allowing anyone within bluetooth range to seize control of the device.

      Beavis: Heh heh, watch me turn this up to 11! Heh heh.

  • Iron Monkey

    We said yes!

    I was a Flower of the mountain yes when I put the rose in my hair like the Andalusian girls used or shall I wear a red yes and how he kissed me under the Moorish Wall
    and I thought well as well him as another and then I asked him with my
    eyes to ask again yes and then he asked me would I yes to say yes my mountain flower and first I put my arms around him yes and drew him down to me so he could feel my breasts all perfume yes and his heart was going like mad and yes I said yesI will Yes

    Good golly, Miss Molly.

  • Rick Hill

    Today, we are all…Wonkwriters….no, seriously. when do we get paid for writing? Braving the no comment policy on a regular and mashochistic basis. I was told there would be assposure bucks out the wazoo.

    • Mr. Blobfish

      Today, we are all…Wonkwriters….no, seriously. when do we get paid for writing? Braving the no comment policy on a regular and mashochistic basis. I was told there would be assposure bucks out the wazoo.

      • Sardonicuss

        As a hoor. Waiting on hoor diamonds.

        • Rick Hill

          Well, shist. Soros, Wonkette. I’m thinking all left leaners are big deadbeats who don’t pay their tabbs.

      • Rick Hill

        Melania? That you?

      • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

        I pay to write here. It’s totally worth it.

    • tomamitai

      I was promised side boob, now all we get are babby and puppy pics!

    • catnmus

      Now there’s an idea… Offer to pay him in assposure bux, and then give him his own section titled “Right Wing Nut Job from Manchester Tries to Convince Us All That He’s a Real Journalist by Plagiarizing Stuff”. See if he even notices. But then I guess you’d have to do all the hard work of googling his sources to give them real credit.

  • Sardonicuss

    Isn’t USA blah blah…just that site that sprang up during the campaign to bash Hillary and pretend to be Berniebro’s (they were not).
    I thought they were out of Roosia?

    • rebecca

      I think that might mean Politicususa?

  • ThePuckStopsHere

    Wow. Ezra Klein wants to work for Wonket! That is so cool.

    • Carpe Vagenda

      Nah. Jesse Taylor was the best snark blogger on the interwebs before Ezra Klein ate his blog. Where is he now?

      • rebecca

        he is a lawyer and works for a judge!

        • Carpe Vagenda

          Which is awesome. But he is still a loss to snarkblogging.

          • rebecca

            I miss him terribly.

  • GemlikeFlame

    And a website 3/4ths ad content and a design ripped off from Politico. Oddly, he and TrumpCo have something in common; they both use Cloudflare.

    He seems to have found a niche reposting, verbatim, the most popular content from the web, not all of which has anything to do with politics. The Illinois dog thieves story is particularly out of place.

    This isn’t fake news, this is plain and simple aggregation with no attribution for the original source. Added to that, he can’t actually compose a coherent sentence, and when he tries he bungles the punctuation in a way that makes my eyes water.

    If he has a talent, it’s SEO, and he’s none too good at that, either.

    • Boscoe

      I thought his talent was remembering to hit ctrl+V AFTER ctrl+C…

      • GemlikeFlame

        It’d have been better all around if he hadn’t.

        • Boscoe

          Well sure, there’s that. ;)

  • coozledad

    I am a no-typing sonofabitch who drinks, eats, and sleeps a whole lot. I look at every story from the angle of “Can i write this motherfucker drunk?”

    I wake up most days and think “I went to college. What happened?”

    I”d send you my CV, but it’s on blocks in the yard.

    • yyyaz

      It’s OK if you are using it for a chicken coop. Bonus points for a goat on its roof.

  • Carpe Vagenda

    It was the best of insurance, it was the worst of insurance, it was the age of Democrats, it was the age of Republicans, it was the epoch of truthiness , it was the epoch of falsiness, it was the season of PC, it was the season of meme war, it was the spring of doubleplus good, it was the winter of doubleplusungood, we had everything to look forward to, we had nothing to look forward to, we were all going direct to up there, we were all going direct down there – in short, the insurance was so far like the present insurance, that some of its noisiest stans insisted on unfettered speech, for goons or for swarming, in the superlative degree of you cucks lost.

    • WeaselPoo

      Lovely!

      • eggsacklywright

        Downright dreamy! Please return Mr. Burroughs’ cockroach when you’re done.

    • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

      Is it time for Madame Defarge yet?

      • yyyaz

        She was supposed to clock in two hours ago. Someone go check the wine shop.

        • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

          Those tumbrels won’t roll themselves.

    • Lamashtar

      I had to read this out loud to get the fullest effect.

      • Carpe Vagenda

        There was an insurance policy named Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and it almost deserved it. And then the murders started.

  • Bill Slider

    Does this imply that the Wonkette International Sports section remains but a dream?

    • theCryptofishist

      Do you want to read Ollie on cricket?

      • Mehmeisterjr

        (Crickets.)

    • Liberoid Ron

      And I had my piece on the OMHA Minor Midget AAA Championship all ready to go!

  • FukuiSanYesOta

    I know this’ll be unpopular, but this seems kinda mean. Obviously this guy is a windowlicking moran, but public shaming? Seems a little harsh.

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      Plagiarism knows no bounds…

      • BadKitty904

        Mind if I quote you?

        • Liberoid Ron

          If you ask it isn’t plagiarism.

    • Clyde Barrow

      This isn’t public shaming, but sheer parody. Thanks, Ollie!

    • Nyumbu

      Journalism is a blood sport. If he can’t handle this, how’s he going to handle a bunch of Klansmen screaming “black lives matter!”

      • FukuiSanYesOta

        But he’s not a journalist. He’s just some shitwit. It feels like kicking a naughty puppy.

        • Boscoe

          An attempted fraudster puppy who totally deserves it, though.

        • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

          We could introduce him to Lori, or whoever her replacement is.

          • sgt. jmk of the résistance

            Today, I believe it’s Melinda.

        • rebecca

          whether your opinion is popular or not, don’t let that keep you from holding it! 20 percent of me thinks he’s just some poor idjit. the other 80 thinks he was trying to scam us for unknown O’Keefian purposes
          , fuck him.

    • mancityRed6

      Fair point, and I would agree, on two concessions:
      If he’d actually written his first submission himself.
      Or if he actually was 12 years old.
      Otherwise, no.

    • It is mean. But he started it.
      I do not see this as public shaming so much as lolz, how funny that a wingnut wants to write for Wonkette but uses plagiarized material to try to land a job. Wonder what that is about

    • Pinkham’s Law

      At least we’re mocking him in the nonexistent comments on Wonkette, rather than the comment section on his blog. That, I submit, would be far more harsher.

      • True that. Or on the twitters of face planting place.
        But idk, is it mean to mock someone who, for whatever reason, decided to attempt to “infiltrate”, using plagiarism, a place run by those whom he does not seem to much care for greatly?
        I am curious though why he thought his ripping off trick might work. Maybe he googled up “Liberal journalist on Trumpcare” and found it. Maybe that is how the wingnuts find their journalists, but plagiarizing the talking points they love so much?

    • CindyinEncinitas

      It’s just us.

  • wide_stance_hubby

    From the look of those paragraphs, I have to commend the young writer for using both balls to type.

  • Paperless Tiger

    His linked-in says he goes to Oxford …

    Oxford, Mississippi? Ha ha, Ole Miss.

  • Clyde Barrow

    Ah yes, Manchester, Texas. The bastion of liberal idealism in Texas. As for the Chicago Herald, they did a fabulous editorial on the wonderful hobby of underwater basket weaving! And nobody in their right mind would use USAPoliticsToday as a reference, unless your job application is for head janitor over at Brietbart.

    3 cheers for Ollie, plagiarist basement troll from the land of tea and blood pudding!

  • Nyumbu

    Still, it would be cool to have articles here that have “the most unique. . . angle”
    So many of your stories are only a little bit unique; some are just not as all unique as that.

    • WeaselPoo

      Yes that would be cool….like, completing the Kessel Run in 12 parsecs

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      And the angle tends to be about 90 degrees-you could do with somebody more obtuse.

      • JustDon’tSayDieInJail

        aww, what acutie!

        • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

          Love the screen name. That tweet stuck with me. I only hope it’s true.

          • JustDon’tSayDieInJail

            Thanks, though I’m about ready for a change. I’m sure I’ll get a quotable soon enough. Maybe I’ll reset to “__Dittos” for a little while.

          • CindyinEncinitas

            That was one of the most comforting things I had seen in weeks when it came out.

      • Nyumbu

        I thought it was acute thing for him to do–pretend to be a journalist.

        • Heyzeus Ahchay

          Like Hannity? Cept he ain’t cute.

    • JustDon’tSayDieInJail

      Do you mean “angle” or “angel”? Or maybe “ankle”?

      • Nyumbu

        uncle!

  • Hairstrike Alpha

    Interestingly enough, Ollie is the name of Trumps left testicle

    • Boscoe

      Ollie still has PTSD from Trump’s tour in “Nam”…

      • yyyaz

        Piss Trump Sexual Disease.

        • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

          Tertiary syphylis

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      Assumes facts not in evidence

    • Ωbjectifier

      And the other one is Unkenfree.

      • NellCote71

        Marco . . . . Polo?

      • CindyinEncinitas

        I thought they were Donner and Blitzen.

        • BearDeLaOursistance

          You know, I remember a time when the phrase “Donner Party” connoted something much more innocent…

  • TJ Barke
  • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

    OT but still grifters gotta grift:

    From the White House to Team Russia… Monica Crowley's new gig is with a pro-Kremlin oligarch. https://t.co/oli7o90dyw pic.twitter.com/AyeEVCaWo3— Noah Shachtman (@NoahShachtman) March 14, 2017

    • How surprising that someone who was shamed out of the white house ends up with papa pooty instead.
      Saaayyyy where is Flynn these days?

    • Heyzeus Ahchay

      So, she’s working for Comey now?

  • WeaselPoo

    “I love writing in all forms…”

    I particularly enjoy writing by using the Ctrl-C and Ctrl-V keys almost exclusively.

    • cheetojeebus

      Anything else is just typing.

  • catnmus

    He gave himself away as soon as he spelled it “organisation”. In ‘Murica that word has a “z” in it, boy! At least it appears that he did write his own posts on his own blog. Or at least I couldn’t prove plagiarism with a few samples.

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      You would think some dude angling for a writing job would at least proof read, even a little. “Their” for there? A “witting” slot? And I don’t feel too bad about the public shaming. Aggregators who steal the work of other journalists without attribution are the lamprey eels of the blogging world.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        “witting” is perfectly cromulent!

    • JustDon’tSayDieInJail

      Dammit, I shoulda scrolled down!

    • rebecca

      the Pelosi one’s plagiarized from Hot Air.

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    I loved this story.

    • BadKitty904

      Ollie is the GOP’s own Borat!

  • BadKitty904

    Never a dull moment here at Our Wonkettes, eh, wot?

    • Undocumented Skwerl!

      Well there was that one time…

  • TJ Barke

    Considering the significant value the non comments generate, can we get paid?

    • JustDon’tSayDieInJail

      If you didn’t get paid, would you stop? That sorta sets the price…

    • Granny Sprinkles

      You don’t get SorosBux™© for commenting on fake news until you’ve proved yourself by rioting.

  • (((😸)))

    Greeting, Americans friends.

    I am definitely fellow Elvis rock and roll Yankee bluejeans like you and have studied I very journalisms writings from University of USA.

    I should much like to make big American dollars doing the wordmakings for the blog from you. I am big American apple pie Democrat liberals from great state of Alabamas, and definitely not pro-Putin Russian bot and trolls.

    You like? So many American footballs pickup trucks web sites ask for me, so please to be letting me know soon, comrades. I having attached CV.

    Many thank you,
    John Smith
    American USA Rock and Roll

    • cheetojeebus

      You see John, I don’t see any mention of trucknuts, what are ya ghey?

      • Mehmeisterjr

        No mention of NASCAR, either. I’m beginning to think his name isn’t John Smith.

        • Celtic_Gnome

          It’s actually John Barron.

    • Bitter Scribe

      You should have said you were from Georgia, which at least would have been ambiguous enough to be believable.

      • Boscoe

        or Alabamastan.

    • Gwennie_G

      Tommy Wiseau, is that you?

      • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

        Oh Hiiiy

      • theblackdog

        You’re tearing me apart Gwennie!

    • Granny Sprinkles

      Needz moar gunz. Faek nooz!

    • Come here a minute

      I would send a donation to Wonkette and ask them to hire you, but I think I’d prefer to send the money directly to you.You’ll find my bank information attached. Please take five dollars.

  • Clyde Barrow
  • natoslug

    I’ll take the penis mightier for $500, Alex.

  • BadKitty904
    • Vecchioivan

      Another fine mess.

  • JustDon’tSayDieInJail

    For me, the tip-off was “organisation”. That makes Ollie non-U.S.

    • Royal Ugly Dude

      He did go to Oxford, Manchester, and other places.

  • I could write articles spanning from worldwide things politics to American politics
    Darn. I was so looking forward to articles spanning from worldwide things politics.
    Manchester or Moscow?

  • snark-lurker

    I wonder how that Ivanka morror there works I want 1

  • Undocumented Skwerl!

    Dear

    Hello my name is Skwerl I’m from Treevill U.S.A. I really love your site and I love all the shit that you guys are doing. In fact I love it so much that the web pages are stuck together in the past I wrote and co-founded a site called the Huffington post today which has have around 1 million facebook likes and is doing quite well philosophically however I want to get my message out to a larger audience and really spread the information on a larger scale.

    Punctuation is for cucks.

    Thats is why I’m asking if you would consider me for a potential witting slot on your website i’m passionate about canned clams and writing and i enjoy spreading my essences to large audiences and sharing and reporting the truth when it comes to canned clams.

    In addition i can earn up to $98 per hour and just purchased a new land range rover on tuesday I got a great new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned
    $8752 this last four weeks its the most-financialy rewarding ive
    had it sounds counter believable but you wont forget yourself if you don’t
    check it #####**********######

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      Seafood kills!

    • Rachel Book Harlot

      I feel like you would be a good addition to Wonkette. Good luck!

      • Undocumented Skwerl!

        Yay I can makes SorosBux™©!

    • (((😸)))

      Greeting Skwerl –

      Where is moose? You are much late for this position opennings as I haves already sent CV. You are not truck nuts NASCAR American bang bang likes me. I can tell from pixels.

      John Smith
      Guns USA Freedom Go American Football Cowboys

      • Undocumented Skwerl!

        Moose is my friend who is a grate poet.

        Here is something he wrote today.

        O CAPTAIN! my Captain! our fearful trip is done;
        The ship has weather’d every rack, the prize we sought is won;
        The port is near, the bells I hear, the people all exulting,
        While follow eyes the steady keel, the vessel grim and daring:
        But O heart! heart! heart!
        O the bleeding drops of red,
        Where on the deck my Captain lies,
        Fallen cold and dead.

        O Captain! my Captain! rise up and hear the bells;
        Rise up–for you the flag is flung–for you the bugle trills; 10
        For you bouquets and ribbon’d wreaths–for you the shores a-crowding;
        For you they call, the swaying mass, their eager faces turning;
        Here Captain! dear father!
        This arm beneath your head;
        It is some dream that on the deck,
        You’ve fallen cold and dead.

        My Captain does not answer, his lips are pale and still;
        My father does not feel my arm, he has no pulse nor will;
        The ship is anchor’d safe and sound, its voyage closed and done;
        From fearful trip, the victor ship, comes in with object won; 20
        Exult, O shores, and ring, O bells!
        But I, with mournful tread,
        Walk the deck my Captain lies,
        Fallen cold and dead.

        -Moose Whitman

        • How are you two on worldwide things politics?

          • (((😸)))

            My journalisms writings speaks for self. Just go here to see all:

            https://kristof.blogs.nytimes.com/

          • Undocumented Skwerl!

            I worked for king pedro juanita of scotland. He wants to brexit the country into a scandanavy allyance. I met him last fall in a bar in west dakota.

        • (((😸)))

          Your poem of moose read like cold vatrushka that made was three day ago. My poemmakings much are better .

          Behold:

          American girls and American guys
          We’ll always stand up and salute
          We’ll always recognize
          When we see Old Glory flying
          There’s a lot of men dead
          So we can sleep in peace at night when we lay down our head

          My daddy served in the army
          Where he lost his right eye but he flew a flag out in our yard
          Until the day that he died
          He wanted my mother, my brother, my sister and me
          To grow up and live happy
          In the land of the free

          Now this nation that I love has fallen under attack
          A mighty sucker punch came flyin’ in from somewhere in the back
          Soon as we could see clearly
          Through our big black eye
          Man, we lit up your world
          Like the fourth of July

          Hey Uncle Sam, put your name at the top of his list
          And the Statue of Liberty started shakin’ her fist
          And the eagle will fly man, it’s gonna be hell
          When you hear mother freedom start ringin’ her bell
          And it feels like the whole wide world is raining down on you
          Brought to you courtesy of the red white and blue

          Justice will be served and the battle will rage
          This big dog will fight when you rattle his cage
          And you’ll be sorry that you messed with
          The U.S. of A.
          ‘Cause we’ll put a boot in your ass
          It’s the American way

          Hey uncle sam put your name at the top of his list
          And the Statue of Liberty started shakin’ her fist
          And the eagle will fly it’s gonna be hell
          When you hear mother freedom start ringin’ her bell
          And it feels like the whole wide world is raining down on you
          Brought to you courtesy of the red white and blue

          Oh oh of the red white and blue
          Oh oh of my red white and blue

      • Heyzeus Ahchay

        You fuckers just made me spit wine on my guitar. Expect a bill. It was good wine!

  • Rachel Book Harlot

    I could swear I read about USAPoliticsToday somewhere in regards to it being a scam site.

    • rebecca

      Snopes.

      • Liberoid Ron

        So is young Ollie lying about starting THAT site, as well? I’m losing count.

  • Martini Ambassador

    I am still stuck on the part of the journalismz where KKK members are quoting BLM stuffs to harass poor, sweet, misunderstood Jed Sessions. That would be pretty awesome snark, if one didn’t believe it actually literally happened.

    • thixotropic jerk

      That’s Mr Beaureguard to you bub!

      • Peripatetic Poltroon

        I’ll bet he was 14 before he learned to spell his own name.

        • Heyzeus Ahchay

          Jeff?

      • Heyzeus Ahchay

        Bo to his friends

  • Gayer Than Thou

    Hmm… maybe I’ll just shop my risotto recipe to another mommyblog.

  • PixieThis

    Where’s Kukla and Fran?

    • zerosumgame0005

      buried in Ollie’s basement after a 2nd Amendment argument? with votes of course!

    • sgt. jmk of the résistance

      I was thinking this Olly’s partner was probably Sifl.

      • BearDeLaOursistance

        In search of a Babby for Gravy.

      • Heyzeus Ahchay

        I was thinking it was Stan.

  • Liberoid Ron

    I should apply for a job here. I’ve been to Oxford AND Cambridge AND Guelph, all in the same trip!

    • Villago Delenda Est

      I masticated at the Sorbonne once.

      • hey, coincidence! I also mas….
        oh you said masticated. Never mind.

      • sgt. jmk of the résistance

        I masticated near the Sorbonne twice.

        The rest of the trip, we found restaurants a little closer to the hotel.

    • Royal Ugly Dude

      Oxford and Cambridge are only about 3 hours apart on the I-70, if you don’t stop for a bathroom break in Columbus

  • Villago Delenda Est

    I’m sorry, but isn’t Olly a squire at Castle Black? Different Olly? Oh well.

    • (((😸)))

      “For the Watch!”

  • Crystalclear12

    We deserve better lies, Ollie.

  • Nick Scroggs

    Hey, I am a graduate of MIT, Caltech, Oxford, Cambridge, and Stanford, with fifteen degrees and a daily newspaper! Sign me up as your new writer!

    • Villago Delenda Est

      You forgot to mention your Pulitzer, Nobel, and Zee-Magnees prizes.

      • Nick Scroggs

        Eh, those are nothing to brag about, they’re so, beneath me.

  • Liberoid Ron

    I don’t have a CV I can send. Would you settle for a 2CV? http://barnfinds.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/1968-Citroen-2CV.jpg

    • zerosumgame0005

      oh, that would make a beautiful re-build!

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Deux-Cheveau!

    • Doug Langley

      Well, there’s my problem. I keep sending resumes.

    • doktorzoom

      This guy isn’t a Citroen, he’s a sit-trollin’.

      • Liberoid Ron

        <golf clap>

    • Thaumaturgist

      In Merka, a “CV” is an aircraft carrier. Or a Chevy Van. I used to drive one or the other.

  • Fartknocker

    If I’m smart enough to understand that the red squiggly lines in a Discus response indicates a word is incorrectly spelled, can I be the Wonkette Chief of Staff? Also, when I write Wonkette in Discus, it indicates that Discus is properly spelled but Wonkette isn’t. That’s an issue as the WCOS I promise to solve in my first 100 days.

    Show me the money and I would like a large stipend for liquor and a monogrammed seat at the front of the Wonkettebago.

    • Nick Scroggs

      It is spelled “Disqus.”

      • Fartknocker

        Uh, no. On my Apple machine it’s Discus but on my Windows machine it’s Disqus. See, a Chief of Staff knows these things.

        • Left Coast Tom

          It’s actually your browser’s spelling dictionary deciding what to underline, not Disqus. Unless you’re posting from an ancient Windows XP box running IE 6, in which case…hope the various viruses on your system are all compatible with each other.

  • TJ Barke

    So, when working for wonkette, are you payed per article or what?

    • doktorzoom

      Evan and I are on salary, and freelancers are paid per article. And not just in exposure dollars!

      • TJ Barke

        So whore diamonds then?

        • doktorzoom

          Only the finest.

        • Nick Scroggs

          Shining lights, even in death.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Dok has to be on salary, because he’s called on to wield the banhammer outside the normal 9-5 window!

      • Celtic_Gnome

        Hookers and whore diamonds?

        EDIT: Oops. Sorry, TJ. Didn’t scroll down. (But, I do want credit for the hookers part.)

      • Heyzeus Ahchay

        “A, an, the” — I’m rich!

  • The Witch of Endor

    Ollie really seems to enjoy spreading things that he’s passionate about.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      OK, let’s tone down the TLM signal a bit, shall we?

      • The Witch of Endor

        What?

      • The Witch of Endor

        Ok, let’s try this again. Could you explain what you’re talking about?

        • Villago Delenda Est

          The “spreading things he’s passionate about” reminded me of perpetual boring troll TLM (Turgid Love Muscle) who is constantly bewailing gay anal sex in graphic terms.

          https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/9806b8c39fce441f21dcb0c0f08dfd9afff414d2aa247ed4c714094b91fb69be.jpg

          • The Witch of Endor

            Ah. The “TLM” threw me so I wasn’t sure if it was a joke or I’d inadvertently written something inappropriate.

            I spent part of the a.m. and early p.m. at a very touchy, tone policing, site. I’m kinda jumpy. ;)

            ETA: Thanks for explaining.

          • Villago Delenda Est

            Da nada. Communication is good! :D

          • Heyzeus Ahchay

            Needs apostrophe,comma and periods. Insert now please!

      • CindyinEncinitas

        No! I like him! He’s weird as shit!

  • sproutling

    You probably coulda stopped reading the second that “Texan” spelled organization with an “s” like a common royalist

  • Kiri the Paid Protestor

    I don’t have CV. I have TVC-15.

    https://youtu.be/OqW5gP0g_Go

  • VirginiaLady

    Saying CV instead of resume is a hint that he’s not from Texass, or anywheres in Murika.

    • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

      Yep. My immediate thought was, “Why is he bringing up his Honda?”

  • janecita

    Ollie’s great article, made me long for Vladimir Putin’s letters. He hasn’t written to us for a while, I miss him.

  • doktorzoom

    I don’t see why we even need to hire him. He can just insist to his next mark that he works for us but can’t stand the hostile workplace environment.

    • It IS a hostile environment

      • thixotropic jerk

        Watch him choke and splutter on the word “environment.”

        • DahBoner

          “I love the environment, but I hate the people who want to protect it from greedy rich people. For some strange reason.”

      • Villago Delenda Est

        I blame the lack of comments for that.

      • doktorzoom

        YOUR FACE is a hostile environment!

    • Kelly Leonhard

      Workplace environment… just another chance to claim that climate change isn’t real!! Your welcome!

    • Persistent Tennessee Rain

      The lack of a spaces between periods and commas made me hostile.

      • Sophia

        Also had that there/their thing going on. That one makes me stabby.

  • rocktonsam

    I remember the good ole days at teh wonket … to get a writing job at this paper all you had to be was a ginger.
    good times. good whiskey.

  • IDK if this has been posted already, but this is my band from the 90’s.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RdSmokR0Enk

    • thixotropic jerk

      You don’t say? So curious! Which one is you?

    • Millswiththethrills

      Had this song stuck in my head allll night last night, truth is in the eye of the beholder (investment/backer)? Blame it on the rain I say.

  • JD Mulvey

    This fella sounds like he’s got a very bright future in journamilisming!

  • thixotropic jerk

    Hey wait a minute, that picture of sexxy biznizwummun Ivanka has two pics of her face innit and one is in the mirror when shouldn’t it be the back of her head instead– or something? Ok, FOUND IT! Now do I win all the moneysss$$$???

  • Edith Prickly

    Young Roger Daltrey has a painful-looking cameltoe going on…

    • CindyinEncinitas

      So sad. Why wouldn’t they tell him? Do they not understand where we’re going to look?

      • doktorzoom

        They tried to tell him. He just kept refusing to look, insisting “Won’t be fooled again”

  • kckitty

    So I am clueless and clicked on one of his links. :(

  • Axomamma

    Has Ollie shown up in comments? I’d look but I’m working an actual jerb.

  • Mahousu

    I was not aware there was a Manchester in Macedonia.

  • boyblue123

    Im surprised he didnt put The Daily Planet on his list of previous employers

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Daily Bugle just for having the world’s greatest boss.

  • DahBoner
  • tehbaddr

    No, no, no Ollie! You went about this all wrong, let me explain. You see when two men love each other very much and they have rock hard Throbbing Love Muscles…

  • TimJ

    What was Roger Daltrey doing in the middle of this post? Not that I mind….

  • Hairstrike Alpha

    Don’t check on this but I won the Pulitzer at Inside Edition…

    Or, maybe it was a couple of Polks.

  • Hemp Dogbane

    Ok, fine ! It was the Chicago Harold Starr.

    • BearDeLaOursistance

      Lake Wobegon libelz!

      • Husband Of Mrs God

        So, Ollie is above average?

        • BearDeLaOursistance

          Children libelz!

          • Husband Of Mrs God

            *sorry*

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    Rebecca is much nicer than I am. I read “…most unique…” in his third paragraph and immediately stopped reading. No one who uses that phrase deserves to hold a pencil, much less plagiarize a blog and call it his own.

  • Yr. Gma

    “Thats why I’m asking if you would consider me for a potential witting slot on your website”
    He got the part right about the “witting site.” Few sites wittier than this one.

  • thixotropic jerk

    Hi my names Thix O. Tropic I write to apply passionately for a writing or editorial or slacker what hangs around the water cooler telling off colour jokes while munching fish’n chips type position with your amamzing website.I have experienced writers 9cramps) and journalists also too having with a Doctorate Masterbateurs Bachelor’s Associaters degree online class i am currently failing in Germalism from the the University of FloridaFeenix, Uzbekistan Campus and up to and including 33&1/3 years of “newspaper” “reporting” “experiences ‘n suchlike.”

    Addiotnally to conclude: I was worked as a writer at some well established organisations in the historically fictionalised past including the Saturday Evening Post, H.L. Mencken’s Hoesick Listserve For Maladroits, Misanthropes, And MassageONits, Ranger Rick, Highlights For Lowlifes, Chicago Harold (Really Passionate Guy of Writings) and a website that I founded with my Mom called YoosayPoliticsTodayWhatchyuGonnaSayTomorrowHuhBub? which Now has over 1.2 million a fucking shitton amirite? Facebook likes as well as over a gazillion billion million thousand yearly website visitors.This extra wide free ranging experience has allowed me to passionately with feelings develop my writey skills as well as my all round (note: NOT square at all) jermlistic “standards” to the point were was I’m now passionate highly and compleately toatly committed to my writings. See?

    I am highly investigative and curious always looking to find the most unique or pertinent angle to a story.I also have a concise conversational writing style that allows me to put together a piece quickly and efficiently with no errors.It would be my pleasure to bring these talents to your team.

    Finally because I have real passion (note: NOT fake!) for writings and jouralisms and Legos. My main goals in my wrotings are to report on truthiness, alternative faxs, and really dig deep in the derp to find out “facts” and “information” that “nobody” else but mewrites plagiarises about.However with my passionately writing I’m also such determined to make sure that every thing I say is so true and so factual as I report on “the truth” with passion and justice for alls and have done for every organisation that I have “worked” made up for since I got my “degree” so help me JesusBaby underwood spread!

    Here are some samples of previous articles that I have written in the past (note: totes all by myself like a big person!)

    1-http://www.usapoliticstoday.com/nbc-megyn-kellys-best-tips-for-coming-up-with-bogus-questionings-during-those-menstrual-times

    2-http://www.usapoliticstoday.com/marco-rubio-real-person-or-space-alien-poser?

    3-http://www.usapoliticstoday.com/kkk-jeff-sessions-heart-to-heart-love-fest/

    I Hope You Will Accept This Passionate Serious Offer If So I’d So Lurve To Hear Back Immediate Like Because Mom Says If Not I Have To Take The Pizza Delivery Driver Job Instead But I Really Really Don’t Want To So.

    Thanks Ollie
    Your Welocme

    • Husband Of Mrs God

      That’s it — tuned to the Ollie Channel. Beautiful.

  • Blanche Beecham

    That Roger Daltrey picture …. I gotta go check something in my bunk.

  • Biff52

    Hey, for $25 I’ll dredge up some old Princess Sparkle Pony posts from way back. I’ll be rich!

  • Tiny kaiju

    I see this fellow has never met an editor that liked him. Or probably just never met an editor.

  • Sophia

    I think Ollie should pay Wonkette $25 for wasting their time. Send him a bill.

  • Christopher Boscarino

    Dear Editrix,
    I would be happy to plagiarize for half of that $25.00. Here is a poem I wrote called “Shakespeare’s Sonnet 18.” It’s part of my book “The Norton Anthology of English Literature.” I am single. :(

    • Larry Schmitt

      Dear Editrix,
      I would be happy to plagiarize for half of that $25.00. Here is a poem I wrote called “Shakespeare’s Sonnet 18.” It’s part of my book “The Norton Anthology of English Literature.” I am single. :(

      Me: Honest, I wrote that myself. Now where’s my $25?

      • Husband Of Mrs God

        Well done!

      • NewLarry

        Don’t you mean $12.50?

    • GodEmperorCaptainHowdy

      Is that your real photo? Mine is my real photo too. Wanna meet?

  • boredcatlady

    Is this all because Alex Jones put you on that list?

  • witsended

    If you knew the real Ollie like what I do, or had taken the time to find out about him, you would realise that he is a real free spirit who rejects authority and has probably had more fun in his short life then most of you. The best advice I could give any of you is live life like Ollie.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A4N7G29GWQI

  • OrdinaryJoe

    Milo must be desperate for work.

  • chascates

    I’m sure Breitbart has a place for him.

  • mardam422

    You know, Wonkette Editrix. I’ll plagiarize stuff for a lot less than $25 bucks a pop.

  • mardam422

    Dear Wonkette. I never thought this would happen to me. But there I was, a freshman at a large eastern university.

    Where’s my money?

    • Peripatetic Poltroon

      Check with George Soros. I hear he’s handing out the green stuff. You might have to protest something.

      • GodEmperorCaptainHowdy

        Maryjane? Or mint chip ice cream? I’m allergic to maryjane.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    Attorney General Was

    I wondered what those guys have been up to.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=83nFiPoSuzU

    • Husband Of Mrs God

      Dig. That definitely Was.

  • Reality Kills

    This is really bad!! You guys at Wonk are great! In the internet era, who the heck copy and paste something and thinks no one is going to check the source!!

    • Celtic_Gnome

      I’m worried Ollie thinks copying and pasting are also functions of writing.

      “Oh, you wanted something original!”

    • Heyzeus Ahchay

      A community college student seeking a degree in film.

  • darnyoudarnyoutoheck

    Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. Tsk! also too.

  • GodEmperorCaptainHowdy

    Ezra Klein is funded by the Viet Cong? The Victoria Cross? Virginia College?

  • GodEmperorCaptainHowdy

    Ollie is clearly headed for a stellar career with Project Veritas, where Wonkette will be exposed for the failing fake news Maoist propaganda rag that it is.

  • Husband Of Mrs God

    I laughed convulsively on the dialog after you busted him for plagiarizing Vox — and that’s just a third of the way through. Going back for the rest now.

  • going4baroque
    • thixotropic jerk

      Your fingerpaintgs am very autistic

      • Tiny kaiju

        It’s from Picasso’s chibi period.

  • Husband Of Mrs God

    Oh, and I was wondering if you discovered another Stephen Miller. Maybe not.

  • Millswiththethrills

    Hi everybody! I am a loooong time follower of Wonkette who just created her first Discus account and donated to Wonkette! I love you wonderful people and you continue to make me sane. Consider this my “coming out” announcement. Thanks for all the past “feelz” I cannot wait for all the future ones.

    • rebecca

      SUUUUURE you are. SUUUUURE.

      • Millswiththethrills

        Omg I’m not worthy, I’m not worthy. How do I prove myself?

        • Millswiththethrills

          I know alll about the Wonket Babby and follow her, does that count? I’m super hetero I don’t know how the coming out works?

          • rebecca

            lololol

          • Millswiththethrills

            Thanks for having me! I will keep sending money so you can help with my sanity/drinking problem.

          • Msgr_MΩment

            Your drinking should take care of the sanity problem. Mine is pretty much gone by now.
            Oh, and Howdy!

          • GodEmperorCaptainHowdy

            Mmm, you just did?

          • Millswiththethrills

            Awesome that closet was tight and not in a good way.

        • Msgr_MΩment

          Make me some sammiches?

          • Millswiththethrills

            You like Pimento cheese?

          • Msgr_MΩment

            Surprise me.

          • Heyzeus Ahchay

            Who are you — the governor of New Jersey?

    • doktorzoom

      Welcome to the Monkey House!

      • Millswiththethrills

        I will literally eat a ramen diet to keep you all alive!

        • Msgr_MΩment

          Don’t say that too loud. We’re lousy with Pastafarians here.

    • Husband Of Mrs God

      Welcome, Mills.
      My stepson loves you more than you will know.
      Yeah, I wrote that. Yes, really.

      • Millswiththethrills

        Thanks Mrs God! I love your stepson too! I come here for the snark but I have stayed for the LOVE.

        • Husband Of Mrs God

          Sorry about the misconception, Mrs God remarried and kept the name. Check Nietzche for the status of Mr God.

          • Millswiththethrills

            Sounds confusing, let’s just compare our good looks to keep it simple.

          • Husband Of Mrs God

            Well okay, you win.

    • GodEmperorCaptainHowdy

      First, we make you sane. Then, we make you unsane. Mwa ha ha ha ha.

      • Millswiththethrills

        BRING IT

    • persistently_resistant_gayby

      HELOOOO!!!

    • Celtic_Gnome

      We be just thrills to have you.

      See what I did there?

      • Millswiththethrills

        The illest.

  • It’sWhitneyBitch
  • Holly

    HI! My name is Holly and I’d love to write for you also too but golly dang just when I thought the interweb couldn’t sink any lower with all the lying liars out their that want to Russian Spam us to death this guy shows up and totally destroys my most fervent wishes hopes and dreams that we were finally seeing a return to truthful truthiness in our journalistic integrities and honestly honest writting of words for millions of readers to read and love I hope you’ll accept my offer and get right back to me with an offer I will love.

  • Scrofula

    Hey, I didn’t know we could just apply to write for Wonkette! Shit, that’s like 99% of the writing I already do! And I don’t even have a journalanimus degree.
    Now, I’d hate to take away a paying gig from a true literary aspirant, but I AM available, gratis, to write whatever the hell you want!
    (Honestly though, I’m a semi-employed former grad student researcher, and I have run out of things to research (mostly); please, jebus give me something to research and write about.)

    • Left Coast Tom

      Topography, heavy crude, and air quality in the southern San Joaquin Valley.

      • Scrofula

        Are you saying I have a theme or something? You missed the whole eschatological roots of Western Civ, and the teen werewolf stars of WB TV shows.

        • GodEmperorCaptainHowdy

          MTV has a teen werewolf show. There is no WB. Sigh.

    • kareemachan

      The ecosystem of anaerobic bacterial colonies and their use in ice cream?

      • Scrofula

        Ah! Let’s see . . . probably not a good idea to have anaerobes in your ice cream. BUT, a good question, actually, is the effects of lactobacilli in ice cream formation (anaerobes but oxygen tolerant), since many dairy products involve them. Beyond the dubious “Fro-Yo” fad, what are the effects of low-pH cultured dairy, with, necessarily, added sugar, on ice cream texture? Could one produce a naturally “tart” ice cream? This is an area for research, thanks!

        • H0mer0

          one of my sons could use you for his homework. I don’t know what he could use as compensation.

          • Scrofula

            I accept beer, weed and ADHD meds, or at least I’ve taken all of those at some point during my old tutoring days.

      • H0mer0

        Oh, THAT’S what’s making me phart! Not that being brown and lactose intolerant has anything to do with it. (I know, TMI)

    • Mildred Broxon

      Do you want it good or do you want it tomorrow? Either is available.

    • Ill-Advised

      If comments were allowed, we could ALL write for Wonkette!

  • Ricky Gay

    Ollie Ollie income free!

  • ViveLaProtestPayments

    Damn. I was sure it was Brad.

    • Cousin Itt de La Résistance

      I have it on a good leak that Brad and Lori are hooking up in the back seat of the McLaren.

      • Celtic_Gnome

        Brad always was the luckiest fucker.

    • kareemachan

      Tomato face up to a new trick?

    • H0mer0

      “ROCKY!”

  • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

    I don’t know a single American who spells “organization” with an “s”.

  • UnsaltedSinner

    You know how there’s a Panchen Lama who has the job of identifying the next reincarnation of the Dalai Lama? I feel I have just identified the next Dumbest Man on the Internet.

  • Mike

    The first four words… ” Hi my names Ollie…” …and he claims to be a writer.

    • Frank Lee

      There are several glaring English errors in his shit stack. A dead give away, I wonder what his end game was & how much Veritas is paying him

  • Celtic_Gnome

    A, c’mon, Trix. Be nice to Ollie. Remember, he doesn’t know what plagiarism is (or spaces after punctuation, for that matter).

    • Heyzeus Ahchay

      But he’s very good at leaving spaces instead of punctuation!
      And:
      — “I am highly investigative and curious always … ” — loved it. I think that’s how he signs his letters.

  • Relativicus

    So he’s a young Ezra Klein, what’s the problem? He’d be a feather in your cap, and having some young blood around to push Dok a little might be good for him, too.

  • redarmyzombie

    I dunno, ‘Trix, I think you may have encountered the Pen Name of a certain H. S. Runner…

    https://pbs.twimg.com/profile_images/302485803/Homestar_twitter_icon_689_400x400.png

  • david

    At least he keeps his use of the word “like” to it’s true meaning.

  • Dolmance

    Thank you, I feel vaguely nauseated.

  • gingerland62

    Never trust anyone who spells organization, “organisation”. Huge tell.

  • ez

    HUGE clue, CV…AKA Curriculum Vitae. Those two words being Latin for no fucking way I am Texan or even American. It’s poncey Brit talk for a Resume.

    Resume, is of course, the Americanised version of the original French form: Résumé, as no real American uses real Frog talk.

    Tomorrow’s topic is ‘they fucking laid ME off’ vs ‘I was made redundant’

    • Kym In A Can

      It’s also an industry difference, not just a regional one. In my Master’s program (in CA) for English part of our intro class was making CVs. I understand this is standard throughout academia.

    • I thought, in our new “Buzzfeed economy” the correct term was now “Job listicles”

  • From Russia with Love

    Can I writes for teh Wonkette too Mrs Shernkrops? I know lots of stuff and lots of words that are not “fuck.” Aslo too here is my VC:

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/fcf2881931367227a8855142ea5932e1cab08ab0c36146220be6fc6192cd966a.jpg

    • I know lots of stuff and lots of words that are not “fuck.”

      But then that would automatically disqualify you.

  • Serolf Divad

    Dear Wonket,

    HI, I am a jernaslism majer from, like, Cambredge university in London England (which is in Great Britain a fact that many people don’t know). Please let me rite for you. I once founded an online newspaper called the New York Times (maybe you’ve herd of it? Ha, LOLZ, ha, ha!) Heres an example of some of my great stuff:

    “Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.

    Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.

    But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate — we can not consecrate — we can not hallow — this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us — that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion — that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain — that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom — and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.”

    • ZangoCrudmonger

      May I subscribe to your newsletter, Mr. Majer?

      • Serolf Divad

        Sure, just send me a paypal to rentboy69@GOP.house.gov and youll git my e-mail newsletter in your inbox every morning!!!!

  • Rickyphoo

    So, in the King’s English, there, (or “their” as Mr. Ollie would spell it), are no spaces after punctuation and it is not necessary to capitalize “i” when referring to oneself.

    By the way, that was my first clue that he did not write the article AHCA.

    • Regret

      Not capitalizing “i” is a thing done by non-native english writers.
      The concept of capitalizing a word that is not a name and not at the beginning of a sentence confuses us.

      What’s the real rule anyway? You don’t capitalize “a” so it is not a letter counting rule. You don’t capitalize “you” or “they” so it is not a referring to a person rule. You don’t capitalize “me” so it is not a referring to yourself rule.

      Is the goal to intentionally confuse “l” and “I”?

  • abstract668

    Ollie writes like his first language is Russian. Just sayin’.

  • Mildred Broxon

    If asked, most writers will say they are passionate about money. Writing, not so much.

    • (((😸)))

      I am a copywriter, and I hate writing.

  • Jack Tenhet

    “Plagiarize,
    Let no one else’s work evade your eyes,
    Remember why the good Lord made your eyes,
    So don’t shade your eyes,
    But plagiarize, plagiarize, plagiarize…
    Only be sure always to call it please, ‘research’.”

    Yes, I totally wrote that. It was mine and I wrote it. Google will tell you something different, but Google is all lies.

    • Ill-Advised

      It’s only teen-age wasteland. Wouldn’t take but a tweak or two to make it singable.

    • DeliaJones

      can i ask if you want new friends because i want new friends that know the words to Lobachevsky and won’t make fun of my Lehrer tattoo. i have Sunchips and im willin to share.

  • FLdispatches

    Iz our young journamalists larnin’?

  • Kym In A Can

    ♫ Wonkie Wonkie Wonkie, can’t you see? You need someone who’s plagiarizing. And we just love your newsy ways, guess that’s why this troll tried to get paid… ♫

    • Tony Prost

      I just upvoted you. Where’s my Soros check?

  • Corky Shimazu

    I love the “Contact Us” section on Ollie’s blog. Here’s his office address and phone:

    A Great Company Name
    123 Main St,
    Warwick, RI 02889
    718.555.0062

  • Ill-Advised

    I liked that he was interested in witting words. Wonkette’s all about that.

  • then all this news kept happening, and we forgot to offer Ollie a job befitting a man whose previous work was at the Chicago Herald, which does not exist.

    That’s not true. His wife, Morgan Fairchild, works there.

  • Keith Gargus

    Send this whippersnapper to work with Monica Crowley. She’ll know what to do with him.

  • CripesAmighty

    Heard the White House is looking for the ‘best people’.

  • irishdave3

    Oxford…. Mississippi?

Previous articleCanadian SCOTUS Agrees: Donald Trump Is A Big Lying Crook
Next articleJustice Department Needs More Time To Find ‘Evidence’ That Obama Did ‘Wire Tapps’ To Trump