Morning Wonketariat! Here’s some of the stories we may be talking about today.
- RyanCare has finally been dredged up from bottom of the House floor and it’s as godawful as was feared in 2012, except now it’s an actual policy proposal. ProTip: Street pharmacists are a dime a dozen; never pay your shady alleyway healthcare provider before receiving treatment!
- Jeff Sessions says he didn’t perjure himself during his confirmation hearing because nobody asked about it, besides he wouldn’t have remembered meeting the Russian ambassador even if Sen. Franken explicitly asked him.
- Sessions’s pick for Deputy Attorney General, Rod J. Rosenstein, will have his confirmation hearing today, and it should be a doozy as he’s the guy who is on track to lead the Trump-Russia investigation.
- George Sifakis has been named as Trump’s Public Liaison, and some Republican party back benchers (that include Rudy Giuliani’s kid) will be his minions. Their job is to warp public opinion data so Trump doesn’t throw another Twitter tantrum.
- We’re going to see just how much of a good ‘ol boy ex-Navy Seal and grifty piece of shit Ryan Zinke is now that he’s head of the Department of the Interior; he now has to deal with a pretty cut and dry sexual harassment investigation into Tim K. Lynn, a senior executive in charge of the Interior’s Office of Law Enforcement and Security.
- Ben Carson must’ve been high as fuck (again) when he compared immigrants to slaves because there’s no earthly reason anyone in their right mind could make that kind of Freudian slip.
- ExxonMobil is doing the White House’s P.R. homework because the White House copied big chunks of a press release detailing Exxon’s expansion efforts, claiming it as their own victory.
- The DAPL pipeline is SUPPOSED to use U.S. steel, but DAPL will ACTUALLY use metric fuck-tons of Russian oligarch steel. SURPRISE, hippies!
- The Senate voted to kill the Fair Pay and Safe Workplaces rule, which limited shitty and unsafe government contractors’ ability to compete for government contracts because it’s another regulation that, aside from saving limbs and lives, just gets in the way of businesses doing business.
- A “student” from Trump University has asked a federal judge to reject the Trump U. settlement so that 7,000 other “students” have the option to individually sue Trump for being conned in just another Trump scam.
- Khizr Khan is apparently under review for reasons that you don’t need to know about because he criticized Trump and President Bannon, and tried to skip town to Canada.
- While Donald Trump pretends to understand the repercussions of global trade, the Asia-Pacific region is pushing ahead with trade agreements because it could give a fuck about nationalism: they care about growing 40% of the global economy.
- Ukraine has officially accused Russia of “terrorism and acts of racial discrimination, as well as propaganda, subversion, intimidation, political corruption and cyber attacks” at the International Court of Justice in The Hague, but Russia is waving off the allegations like a belligerent drunk. [Video]
- Russian propaganda teevee news is no longer peddling orange journalism clickbait stories favorable to Trump, instead they’re jumping on the “Fuck Trump” bandwagon in their never ending effort to troll the world.
- Alexandria, Virginia, will close its schools on Wednesday so that staff members can protest for women’s rights in an effort to remind people who pee standing up that women do lots of book learning for kids.
- The National Park Service just released hundreds of photos from the inauguration and you’ll never guess how much salt has been thrown into that big, gaping pride wound.
- Here’s your late night wrap up! Colbert talked to Anderson Cooper, and then he sketched Trump’s relationship with Putin; Jimmy Kimmel talked about Trump’s wiretapping; Conan made a beautifully handy ‘splainer for Trump’s
Muslim bantravel ban; and Trevor Noah totally stole my wiretap joke, but I guess that’s cool.
- And here’s your morning Nice Time! GROUND SQUIRRELS!
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