SHARE
LOL, try not to die, bro!

Morning Wonketariat! Here’s some of the stories we may be talking about today.

Seamlessly weaving together mommy blogging with all these political shenanigans is tough work, but if you donate or subscribe and help us pay our bills and bar tabs we can keep bringing you all the lovely dick jokes.

$
Donate with CCDonate with CC
  • memzilla Ω
  • memzilla Ω
  • Oblios_Cap

    Thank God you’ve posted!

    • God had nothing to do it! I ran through a monsoon, cooked ham, egg and cheese (with hummus (shut up, IT’S SO GOOD)), and then finished up.

      • Oblios_Cap

        Well, alright, then.

      • I was woken at 3 am due to a thunderstorm. In March.

        • Liberal Fascist Ron

          It just missed us, then. Darn.

      • Martini Ambassador

        Wherefore art the canned clams?

        • calliecallie

          YOU MONSTER!

  • Nounverb911
  • Nounverb911
    • Oblios_Cap

      “Give me your healthy, your strong. We need to build an economy based on free labor, dammit!”

    • Bill D. Burger

      “They jist’ had to work a little longer to achieve their dreams.”

      https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/78fb7375d698956b81a1a2335fa9ff25b296131aa00afa5a87472e8ceda5491c.jpg

      ManO’Man, Carson is one ignorant and vile suck-up and depraved bastard.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        They should be thankful they were given the opportunity to pull themselves up by the bootstraps. Wait…they didn’t have shoes, did they?

      • Toomush_Inferesistance

        Well, see what high regard we held those Negroes in? – they were “Valuable”!….

      • Liberal Fascist Ron

        ‘See? See? Even back then they were in gangs!’
        – Sleepy Ben, digging himself even deeper

    • AustenFuego

      People let this man TOUCH THEIR BRAINS. That just messes with me…like who let this man become a doctor much less a neurosurgeon?!

      • As I keep saying: surgeons are like sportsball players. They are extremely skillful and knowledgable in their field of endeavor. Doesn’t mean they know shit from shinola about anything else.

  • Bill D. Burger

    Ryancare’s official spokesman will soon be available to you to explain the plan.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/e6eae116990db21e0ae66a1605a83c74c673420bd88659537dc05b21e1817987.gif

  • Oblios_Cap

    The National Park Service just released hundreds of photos from the inauguration

    Fire up the Twitter-Twatter machine, posthaste!

  • baconzgood

    Thank you for the post cards (you know who you are). Baconz is still being repressed by “The Man”. But hopes to Snark soon.

  • dslindc
    • Liberal Fascist Ron

      I’ll take ‘Obvious things which are obvious’ for one thousand, Alex.

  • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

    DAPL will ACTUALLY use metric fuck-tons of Russian oligarch steel.

    TRUE FACT: Steel in Russian is Stalin. Coincidence?

    • Liberal Fascist Ron

      Nyet!

  • Nounverb911
    • (Major_Major_Major)ly_Pissed

      Needs a splash or two of the Rexxon special sauce.

    • Jim Johnson

      So that is what a Shit Sandwich looks like.

  • memzilla Ω
  • alwayspunkindrublic

    Samuel L. Jackson slapped the shit out of Sleepy Ben on Twitter.

  • Michael R
  • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

    Asia-Pacific region is pushing ahead with trade agreements

    Who didn’t see that coming? Little Donnie’s big brain, for one.

    • dshwa

      China was ecstatic that we bailed. More exports for them.

      And less for us. Wonder how decreasing exports will effect the economic anxiety in the blue collar Trump voters…?

  • dslindc

    Will Ryancare™ offer a choice of bootstraps?

  • Nounverb911
    • James Lamere

      I am going to have the all-day giggles over this !

  • Politiquacks

    I’d like to put a vote in for “Republicare” – Pin it to the party, let’s not limit it to Ryan.

    • Regressivecare?

      • Politiquacks

        A little too cute, I think. It needs to be something you can get both sides to use…

        • From Russia with Love

          Omarosacare?

    • snark-lurker

      Concare

      • OneYieldRegular

        Profiteercare

  • OddMan

    Holy crap that health plan. Damn that thing sucks big time. You will see it analyzed to death over the next few days, but the one thing stands out above all, to me.

    “After literally years of complaining Obamacare was jammed down the American people’s throats with insufficient information or consideration, the GOP intends to hold committee votes on their bill two days after releasing it, and without a Congressional Budget Office report estimating either coverage or fiscal effects. It’s breathtaking.”
    Ezra Klein this AM.

    • Bill D. Burger

      Reminds me of the cowardly way the W Administration sneaked the coffins of dead soldiers in late at night (saying they were being sensitive to the families of the dead) simply because they wanted to hide them from the public.

      • FlemmishSpy

        Yeah, and they did their best to make sure there were no pictures, either. Must respect the privacy of the families of the soldiers in those flag-draped coffins.

      • Liberal Fascist Ron

        This ought to work just about as well as that did.

      • From Russia with Love

        Only partly true. They also did not want to go out to Andrews AFB and pretend that they gave a shit.

        • Persistent Tennessee Rain

          Dover, DE – too far for the preznit to travel.

          • bupkus23

            “Amtrak” – OHJB

  • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

    photos from the inauguration

    Is there anything about Little Babby Donnie that is not extremely small?

    • Bill D. Burger

      Ego/Ability to Lie…etc.
      ;)

      • Martini Ambassador

        Butt and gut. Length of necktie.

        • kareemachan

          Amount of tape used to hold said tie together.

    • Nounverb911

      His hair?

    • Liberal Fascist Ron

      His ass? His belly? His double chin?

      • From Russia with Love

        His EGO?

        • Liberal Fascist Ron

          *dingdingding* We have a WINNER!

  • dslindc
    • schmannity

      Don’t give a fuck Dingell is more consistently entertaining than don’t give a fuck Obama.

    • From Russia with Love

      Hey, I’ve done some of my best wok on cocktail napkins.

  • calliecallie

    I like calling it Ryan Care better than Trump Care. Trump will have many albatrosses (albatri?) around his neck before he’s done. Let’s keep this one securely fastened to Paul Ryan. He deserves it.

    • Crystalclear12

      He has earned it.
      *nods sagely over morning Kahlua*

    • bupkus23

      “Couldn’t we fasten a large cinder block around his neck instead?” – “Big Nicky”

  • Nounverb911
    • Apple Scruff

      Wow, I wish I could find healthcare for $80 a month!!!

  • cheetojeebus

    Sail to your New Home aboard The Brookes!
    Enjoy lying in your own filth for the weeks long voyage in a confined space chained so you don’t hurt yourself as the ship tosses and rolls. When you arrive tour the markets until you find a new owner who may wish to work you till you die of exhaustion. Witness the depravity! Reap the rewards of degrading inhumane existence!

    • From Russia with Love

      It was just like Ellis Island. Only different.

  • Nounverb911

    Well, you are helping the NY Times circulation immensely.
    https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/839116941956640768

    • dshwa

      Doesn’t he have like a day job or something?

      • Nounverb911

        Twitler in Chief?

      • ariel_gee_398

        As a Nielsen family?

      • wide_stance_hubby

        Donald? A job? Unlikely.

      • OneYieldRegular

        I’m completely convinced that Trump thinks the job of the President is just to sign things and have burnt steak with heads of state.

    • wide_stance_hubby

      Geez, if it’s so bad, the Oaf in Chief has to tweet about it on a Tuesday morning, it must be pretty bad.

    • Bill D. Burger

      Translation: “In general, I don’t have a fucking clue what’s going on.”

    • kareemachan

      Lack of sleep does absolutely nothing good to your ability to process reality.

      the trumpster is a perfect example. Between that and the sundowning….

  • dshwa

    Of course the Russians want to undermine him now. Chaos was likely the goal all along, not a puppet.

    • Liberal Fascist Ron

      I think they’d have been good with either, but now that he’s being outed they have this Plan B to fall back on.

  • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

    With Ryan/Trump-Care the GOP is officially abandoning its “pro-life” (ha ha) imprimatur. Of course, pro-death-penalty, pro-war, pro-pollution, pro-gun and pro-fuck-y’all policies were like a little clue.

  • Lizzietish81

    Oh shit is that tomorrow?

    https://www.womensmarch.com/womensday/

    • calliecallie

      It is. I am trying to decide what to do. Tomorrow I have meetings and shit I actually have to be at. I heard you can wear red in solidarity, so maybe that.

      • Lizzietish81

        Yeah I don’t have the vacation time, so red solidarity.

    • Isaac Heston

      Indigenous March on Friday

    • puredog

      Also too, make sure you have your Ides of March “go fuck yourself” postcard ready to send to arrive at Donnie’s house (1600 Pa Ave NW, 20500) on the 15th, as best as you can plan it.

  • ariel_gee_398

    This stupid Ryancare bill doesn’t even include the stupid buy insurance across state lines provision, one of their most brilliant ideas to improve “consumer choice” while not actually doing a fucking thing to reduce costs or improve quality of care. Why not? Because if they did, they couldn’t push the bill through the budget reconciliation process, they’d have to pass it like a normal bill, and they don’t want to have to do that.

  • calliecallie

    Wonder if they have any photos of Jon Stewart’s Rally for Sanity? Because I was there, and that had a bigger crowd than Trump’s inauguration too.

  • badtonto

    Excuse me but this is just another example of the mainstream media’s ‘fake news’! I mean, c’mon!… isn’t it obvious to any SEEING person that all those white areas in the Inauguration photos are Klan members??

  • Panika MCD

    good morning. the hearing on SB6–the TX Bathroom Bills (because: OUR WIVES AND DAUGHTERS) has started and I get to be there all day long. you can watch along from the livestream of Sen. State Affairs here*: http://www.senate.texas.gov/av-live.php

    will be posting my thoughts that can’t go in my report here:

    can’t wait to find out how Donald Trump perving on the Miss Teen America Pageant contestants in their dressing room is SOOOOOOOO DIFFERENT and why we don’t need to prevent that. I’ll alert you guys the first time Silence of the Lambs comes up because OF COURSE IT WILL.

    current excuses for passing it: transgendereds going boom boom means Sen. Kolkhorst can’t play golf no more. also too: WE CAIN’T HAVE A PATCHWORK OF LAWS! first, Sen. Kolkhorst can never tell whether it’s legal to use her cellphone while she’s driving and is terrified that Austin may pitch gendered bathroom signage entirely. then where’s she gonna pee?

    *works best on Explorer.

    • Liberal Fascist Ron

      Lies! NOTHING works best on Explorer!

      • Panika MCD

        you haven’t met granicus.

    • gamera23

      WAHVES AND DAWTERS and CUZZINS! Hold it in til ya git home to the outhouse!

      • Panika MCD

        doesn’t seem to stop Tsarina Pee Party from perving on the Miss Teen America contestants in their own dressing rooms. nor does it, as the author just claimed, prevent someone from installing a camera in the bathroom–she seems to think that someone would be doing that while people are waiting in line to pee.

  • beingreleased
    • Liberal Fascist Ron

      To be fair, they couldn’t hear the asterisk after ‘everyone.’

    • Carpe Vagenda

      George S Kaufman used to say that Moss and Kitty Carlisle Hart’s estate was what God would have done if he had the money.

    • beingreleased

      A job creation pyramid:
      Say it takes 10 people to maintain a home like this. And each of those people have a home that needs 10 people to maintain, etc.

    • YoBunnyBunny

      Everyone should live that? Then why are they always complaining about our having New Iphones and Obamaphones and Cadillacs and crab legs and steaks, huh???

      • MedusaX

        I believe they meant that (only) every white male republican over the age of 60 should live like that

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Yeah Mitt, but if everyone lived like that, where would you find a desperate and vulnerable low-wage workforce to cheat and exploit? Mexico?

    • NastyBossetti

      No one should live like that until everyone has their basic needs met.

    • Up In Smoke O’hontas

      If you refer to your yard as “grounds” you are too fucking wealthy.

      • bupkus23

        Unless you literally live in a hole in the ground – THEN you can call it “grounds”

  • Bill D. Burger

    Uh oh! IZ’ not getting a positive review….from crucial Repukes!

    [A crucial bloc of swing Republican senators just scorched a House GOP Obamacare draft
    Four senators wrote that the draft “does not adequately protect” Medicaid expansion enrollees.
    Updated by Andrew Prokopandrew@vox.com Mar 6, 2017, 5:21pm EST

    If Democrats unite against the GOP’s Obamacare repeal effort, the bill can only afford to lose votes from two Republican senators. If three defect, there would be 51 votes against the bill, and it would die.

    So when four Republican senators release a letter harshly criticizing how a leaked House GOP draft bill treats the Medicaid expansion, it’s a shot across the bow that could seriously endanger the chances of anything passing.]

    http://www.vox.com/2017/3/6/14836020/obamacare-medicaid-expansion-republicans

    • Antonin Dvorak

      For those who can’t click the linky:

      The senators — Rob Portman of Ohio, Shelley Moore Capito of West Virginia, Cory Gardner of Colorado, and Lisa Murkowski of Alaska — wrote that the recently leaked House repeal draft doesn’t provide “stability for individuals currently enrolled” in the Medicaid expansion.

      Gardner must be feeling scared of 2020, eh?

      • bupkus23

        I said it above – those 4 Senators will make hay off of this supposed “opposition”, but when it comes to a vote, they’ll toe the party line ( even Murkowski ).

    • ariel_gee_398

      These assholes need the bogeyman of the big bad wasteful federal government – they (and their Republican governor counterparts) don’t want to be the ones responsible for massive cuts to Medicaid, which their constituents rely on.

    • Tacoclamgenda

      I fear they are just making noises to look “good” to whomever. Lots of the right talk not so much in the action part. You know, like McCain.

    • Claire

      Well, no shit it doesn’t adequately protect Medicaid enrollees. That’s half the point of the bill. It’s supposed to be a feature, not a bug.

  • Liberal Fascist Ron

    Russian steel?
    ‘Finally, we have way of getting rid of these wrecks! Drink, tovarish!’ http://www.shipspotting.com/photos/middle/4/8/6/1190684.jpg

    • Lizzietish81

      Now, we have more room to dump our reactor cores

    • gamera23

      First we capture moose and squirrel.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        Forget moose. Get squirrel!!

        • Erala Contratista

          Forget squirrel, save bread!

    • willi0000000

      already almost right shape . . . Alexi, go get hammer!

  • Mpeg

    Seeing Stephen Colbert at the chalkboard makes me wish there were more men in the schoolteaching profession, FWIW~

  • Carpe Vagenda
  • Crystalclear12

    Great, now I have remove all sharp objects from my desk. Because, from the look of that line up, feels like a staby day.

  • gamera23

    TrumpCareless – if you really need it and dont make enough to pay taxes, you get a tax break on the zero you owe. All better?

    • From Russia with Love

      “We’ll be willing to cut your taxes by 99%.”

  • geoffalnutt

    Ryancare: Die and die quickly.

    • MynameisBlarney

      Grayson was spot on.

    • Sardonicuss

      The “zombie eyed granny starver” (C.Pierce) was never going to be content with just starving grannies.

  • MynameisBlarney
  • wide_stance_hubby

    I am never more proud of my immense nine-head as when I see a photo of Ryan’s pathetic three-head. How little a brain must he have in there?

  • Chadwells
    • Antonin Dvorak

      Is that Ryan Stiles?

      • Chadwells

        I’ve been trying to figure that out for a while!! I can’t tell.

    • wide_stance_hubby

      The guy sitting next to him is the GOP base evaluating the plan.

  • From Russia with Love

    Let me get this straight, Dominic. Due to funding priorities at Wonkette, our much beloved dick jokes will now be replaced with news about Donald Trump. I suppose nobody besides me will even notice.

    • (Major_Major_Major)ly_Pissed

      First they came for the dick jokes…

    • Hheeeeeyyyyy now….

  • Chyron HR

    You silly billies may THINK you like Obamacare, but Paul Ryan heard a Rush song based on an Ayn Rand novel that proves otherwise.

    • Bill D. Burger

      Ryan: “…and, and, and COUPONS. We can give you coupons for Granny and GrandPa! Old people love coupons.”

      • From Russia with Love

        Just like those little prepaid credit card thingies!

  • (Major_Major_Major)ly_Pissed

    RyanCare:Keeping all the flaws of the Obamacare sundae, now with added shit sprinkles and truck nutz

    • From Russia with Love

      Jimmies. Life-size ones (if your name is Donald Trump).

    • And an extra helping of bananas for the insurance companies

  • Lefty Frizzell

    Phasing out Medicaid expansion is going increase someone’s economic anxiety.

    I see the average wage is $51K/year, and the cost of cancer treatment is $5K-$10/month, so start building up that tax free account a century or two before birth to be safe. Besides, if taxes are going to come way down, a tax free savings account is going to be worth less and less. Oh, just taxes on the wealthy you say?

    Congrats red-staters. You bought this.

    • mancityRed6

      yeah, if only you could keep it longer than a year. at least I think it’s still like that.

  • Nounverb911
    • Liberal Fascist Ron

      Any numbers available yet on when it passes the Schwarzschild radius and we never have to see it again?

      • willi0000000

        January 2021

        [ unless this country gets it’s poop in a group ]

  • MynameisBlarney
    • willi0000000

      i hope someone asks the fucking question!

  • Alexander Stallwitz
  • Roni Resistance Raven
    • YoBunnyBunny

      Because those hundreds of thousands of lottery winners are just breaking the system????

      These people…

    • We might get to this today.

  • Bill D. Burger
    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      This actually happens…

  • MynameisBlarney

    Say….

    I wonder where Pence is.

    He’s been awfully quiet lately.

  • The Wanderer

    Based simply on today’s news, I’m no longer convinced that Paul Ryan or any member of this disgusting, crawling, low-rent parvenu Visigothic administration are human, let alone American.

  • Toomush_Inferesistance

    Ryan’s health care plan is sick. It may be dead on arrival…

    • Sardonicuss

      Supposedly, there are 4 repub senators that are going to balk. If they can just keep the two dino’s in line….

      • Toomush_Inferesistance

        Call them now 202-225-3121 or 202-224-3121….

      • dshwa

        And if four are saying it straight out, there’s probably a few more teetering. They can slander the protests all they like but I suspect a few senators are eyeing 2018 a bit nervously.
        Same in the House, plus the freedumb caucus doesn’t want any replacement at all.

      • Persistent Tennessee Rain

        Probably because it doesn’t take enough away from poor people.

        • Sardonicuss

          In the case of the Freedumb caucus….I think that is exactly right. They don’t want any damn govt. hands interfering with HMO profit margins. We all get Freedumb to die.

      • bupkus23

        Aah, face it – those Republican Senators may talk a good game, but if and when it comes to a vote, they’ll toe the party line.

    • Tacoclamgenda

      If only that were true.

  • snigsy

    Yay! It’s a snowday here today!

  • schmannity

    Everymanforhimselfcare will free our oppressed health insurers from the 20% profit handcuffs! Freedom!

    • PubOption

      And allows the insurance companies to write off more of the CEO’s salary against taxes, not just the first $500,000.

  • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

    The Trump baby is cryin’. It’s your turn to go look into it. I got up last time.

    https://twitter.com/KatyTurNBC/status/839125444322607106

    • Bill D. Burger

      “122 vicious criminals released from Guantanamo Bay by Obama to return to terrorism against us.”

      113 of those released were under the W Bush Administration.

      But typical SSDD by the Lying Sack of Shit Shitgibbon.

  • Tallmutha

    Let the picking of nits begin: Sleepy Ben didn’t compare immigrants to slaves, he said slaves were immigrants. I know! I couldn’t believe I read it right either!

    • wide_stance_hubby

      That was white of him to say that, too.

    • Ghenghis McCann

      Don’t say Slavery, say Involuntary Immigration.

      • Persistent Tennessee Rain

        I hear, “Peculiar Institution,” is making a come back as well.

    • Persistent Demme

      It’s an “alternative-fact.”
      So now slavery is getting the holocaust denial treatment.
      Thanks, Token-Ben.
      You know they’ll never REALLY accept you, right? (No matter what you say.)

  • wide_stance_hubby

    Who needs health when they have greatness and winning and shit?

  • Resistance Fighter Astraea

    Today’s Musical song of the day

    Tell Me It’s Not True

    Say it’s just two clowns,
    Who couldn’t get their lines right,
    Say it’s just a show on the radio,
    That we can turn over and start again,
    That we can turn over; it’s just a game

  • Bill D. Burger
    • YoBunnyBunny

      Well… well… That blackity black black got his cooties all over our plan, so we can’t have it no more!!!11!!!

  • lucidamente

    Rod J. Rosenstein: worst porn name ever.

  • Ooo…getting my “tweets you might want to look at” notification early today. It’s gonna be a doozy…

  • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨
    • Persistent Demme

      Thanks!
      Adapted this for my face place page.

  • Asterix

    I hate republicans.

    • From Russia with Love

      You’ve come to the right place!

    • aureolaborealis

      If you want to be in our gang, you’d have to really hate the republicans …

  • Mr. Blobfish

    What will Donnie do today? Stick his tongue in a light socket? Tie his shoes together? Stick Tic-Tacs up his nose?

  • Robbertjan Brandenburg

    In Michael J. Fox autobiography, Michael decribes a conversation he had with the brain surgeon that was going to perform a new technique on Michael to treat his Parkinson’s disease. At some point they discuss salaries and surprised with what a brain surgeon earns Michael asks the surgeon why they earn that much more then regular surgeons. “Zero margin for error.” answers the surgeon.

    I guess we now know why Carson is no longer practicing surgery.

    • wide_stance_hubby

      Only known case of brain envy.

  • Lefty Frizzell

    I said they didn’t have a plan and they don’t.

    They’ve released something, but it’s not a plan.

    It’s a hastily assembled, uncosted collection of talking points built around tax cuts for the wealthy.

    7 years guys. You’ve had 7 years.

    • Duke

      “We repealed death panels.”

      But.. does the prohibition on abortion include life of the mother? Did they just death panel women?

      • ThirdAmendmentMan

        But do they consider women to be people?

    • Liberal Fascist Ron

      More than enough time to have introduced and implemented single-payer nation-wide. Just sayin’.

    • From Russia with Love

      Nuh uhh, they were almost done last year, but the dog ate it.

  • goonemeritus

    Jeff never had sexual relations with that Russian.

    • willi0000000

      assumes facts not in evidence!

  • Duke

    If I was an English major, I’d have a clever phrase for

    “Just die already, poors!”

    • dshwa

      “Are there no workhouses?”

      • Duke

        Wait…

        “CakeCare?”

    • ariel_gee_398

      Decease and desist? Carpe dyin’?

    • ThirdAmendmentMan

      These people read A Modest Proposal as a guide, not satire.

      I mean if they read, they would.

      • From Russia with Love

        Well, as long as they just eat the Irish children…

    • Rick Hill

      “But check in with organ harvesting to see what you can do to contribute to society before you go.”

    • tomamitai

      If I was a Russian-born sociopath, I’d write a 1000+ pages of melodramatic drivel that boils down to “suck it, poors” that would then be used by U.S.-born sociopaths as the philosophical justification to make the poors suck it.

  • Idiokraticdrumpfenjugend
    • TakingAmes

      WIN!

  • goonemeritus

    Ryancare now with new improved death panels

  • Lefty Frizzell

    If Obamacare really is a “national nightmare”, couldn’t they just repeal and not replace? They’re claiming people were better off before Obamacare, and they’re claiming that people just want it gone, and that’s what they have a mandate for. Do it.

    • puredog

      That’s OHJB’s recommendation.

    • TakingAmes

      Because they don’t want that hung around their necks. They know people (aka Republican voters) actually do use it, and they want to find a way to blame Dems for millions of people losing their (kinda crappy and expensive) health insurance.

      • Lefty Frizzell

        But it’s the ONLY logical conclusion from what they claim to be unassailable truth.

        Their whole clusterfuck flows from this cognitive dissonance and there is simply no way for them to proceed until they concede that Obamacare does more good than harm.

        It’s only going to get worse. Should be a lot of fun unless you’re poor and sick, in which case it won’t be much fun at all.

    • Doug Langley

      They wanted that, but for some mysterious reason people got kinda upset with that.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Show of hands: who thinks trump actually read Ryan’s bill? Who thinks Ryan read his own bill?

    • willi0000000

      lyin ryan read it . . . and sent it back because it wasn’t nasty enough.

      [ he really is a piece of shit ]

    • From Russia with Love

      Should Ryan decide to do so, at least he is able to do so.

  • Bill D. Burger
  • Chadwells

    Wait…THIS is the plan they had under lock and key?! LMMFAO!!!

    • dshwa

      They knew everyone was going to hate it, so they hid it.

    • From Russia with Love

      The only up side is that it will tend to disproportionately kill the people who voted for this horseshit.

      So there’s that…

  • Sedagive ’em Hell

    No snark: A few weeks ago I met a woman with stage 4 metastatic breast cancer at one of my weekly Indivisible Congresscritter meet-ups. She was on Obamacare, and she was already working with our (thankfully D) state Senator on ACA rallies. She was focussed, determined, and willing to spend what’s left of her life fighting for the law.

    The Democrats need to grab bullhorns, stand on soapboxes, do anything to make sure that Americans understand that the GOP is willing to kill Americans for a lousy buck. They need to stop being polite, restrained, and politic, and yell at the top of their lungs: “Republicans will kill more Americans than every radical Islamist group combined, and they’ll do it for the money.”

    Fuck the GOP and their media minions, with votes, boycotts, marches, letters, die ins, phone calls, emails, town hall meetings, strikes, sit ins, and every other method available to free people living in a (relatively) free country.

    • Me not sure

      This is not a plan that “replaces” the good insurance that every person covered under the ACA has with as good or better insurance at a similar price. This is not what was promised. Replace means replace not remove.

  • Bill D. Burger
    • From Russia with Love

      Odd, since most sentient women won’t let a Republican anywhere near there.

      • janecita

        There was this one time, at band camp….

    • Weevie

      Change that to Republican women.

  • badtonto

    And I am sorry but I think that Paul Ryan is just NUM! If I have this recurring fantasy about having him on all fours, head on the pillow, smiling back at me with those gorgeous baby blues, does that make me, ya know, like, a bad person?? 😕

    • From Russia with Love

      Yes.

    • Carpe Vagenda

      Yeah, sorry.

    • Me not sure

      At the very least, a person of questionable sanity.

    • janecita

      Ewwww, he is just so fucking nasty!

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      So, in your book, character is not sexy?…

    • Weevie

      It makes him a bad person.
      No, he already was bad.

    • Robbertjan Brandenburg

      Not if you continue without spit nor love.

    • timpundit

      A selfish rage-fuck, maybe.

    • Claire

      I might have hate sex with him. Then I would go out to brunch with his horrible wife and we would get trashed on bottomless mimosas and make fun of his tiny dick and the way he cries after sex.

      • badtonto

        LOL!…ummm, if I said that I kinda get turned on by a guy who cries after sex, does THAT make me a bad person? 😏

    • badtonto

      Guys! GUYS!… OK, here’s my plan! I’ll make sweet, sweet man homo luv to him and after, while we’re spooning and I’m still dry humping him, he’ll be so swoonin’ and all weak kneed and stuff that he’ll chastise his own cheatin’ heart and renounce all is Ayn Rand-ian luvin’ ways! WE CAN DO THIS, PEEPULZ!!

  • Carpe Vagenda

    somebody put hot sauce in grandpa’s oatmeal

    Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) told reporters on Monday evening that Congress should not launch a probe into President Donald Trump’s unsubstantiated claim that President Obama wiretapped his campaign unless there’s reason to believe that the accusation may be true.

    “If there’s no basis for it, then there’s no reason for an investigation,” McCain told reporters, referring to a Congressional probe into the claim, according to Roll Call…

    “It’s his obligation to tell the American people why he made the
    allegation that he did, on what basis, and that information should be
    known to the American people — not just Congress, not just a select
    committee, but to the American people,” the senator added, per Roll
    Call. “Because he has charged his predecessor, according to the former
    director of national intelligence, with violating the law.”

    • WotsAllThisThen

      Gee thanks, guy who chose Sarah Palin.

    • Weevie

      When Obama took office, against muchly pressure, he refused to prosecute Bush for, what?, starting a war under false pretenses, something tiny like that.

      Now This Thing, with his crappy upbringing and shit head attitude, who has no concept of what being President means, is making all who came before look spectacular.

  • Weevie

    Trump’s got the Mussolini chin jut down to an art and Ryan has Clinton’s Mini Muso With a Scowl perfected. Such Originals.

    • Carpe Vagenda

      I think Trump’s trying to flatten out his wattles.

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    No. nononononono. No. NO.*

    translation: everything is terrible

    • Weevie

      Doesn’t change things, but The Hairman is destined to be 45th worst president, last place. What did we do?

  • Pilotshark

    So what we got here is republicanryantrumpCARE!
    and need to hang it around all of there necks like an anchor sitting on a pier, just prior to We the People kicking it off the end.

  • Angela Ruzzo

    I like the title of the article about Tim Lynn. It is “GOPers say they want to punish alleged sexual predators in government.” They could significantly reduce sexual predation by hiring a lot more women and promoting more women to management positions, but of course they won’t do that.

  • Amelia

    Dear Jason Chaffetz: My iPhone costs me $50/mo because I use the cheapo plan and bought the (cheapest) phone itself with last year’s tax refund. Healthcare payments would cover multiple months of cell phone coverage. This is either willful ignorance or blatant lies from a man who gets free govt healthcare. Burn in hell.

    Dear Ben Carson: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME. I expected very little of you, but I thought you, as the sole black voice in the administration, could at least be relied upon as the one to know THE DEFINITION OF SLAVERY. “Immigrants.” Fuck you, go back to sleep.

    Dear Paul Ryan: You may as well have released one sheet of paper that says “We don’t care if poor people die, and we’re willing to fuck over their families if they don’t die fast enough.” Eat a thousand rotting dicks.

    Ugh. I need more caffeine to deal with this crap.

    • Robbertjan Brandenburg

      I am passed the caffeine stage and went for alcohol and as a European with universal healthcare I am not even affected by these draconian plans.

      • John Resistant Tovarich Smith

        Do you have any issues adopting a 56 year old man. I’m a good cook.

        • Robbertjan Brandenburg

          If you are a good cook just move to Europe while we still let US citizens in without a visa. I actually have several American friends living here without any problem. Even better: One won’t and can’t go back to the US because of pre-existing heart problems.

          • Doug Langley

            At last – a reason to celebrate my congenital heart defect!

          • Robbertjan Brandenburg

            No but serious: Work here, pay taxes and be willing to pay as much as 90 euro’s for your (mandatory) healthcare and you are covered for everything.

          • Doug Langley

            If I had the money, I would give that SERIOUS thought. What jobs you got?

          • Robbertjan Brandenburg

            What skills you got would be the first question but since the entire EU is doing well we should be able to find something you are capable of doing. Stick to the Benelux and Scandinavia if you want to make sure everybody speaks english.

          • Doug Langley

            Teaching computer science at college level, but no advanced degree, which has limited my opportunities here. Multimedia, animation, Adobe suite.

          • Robbertjan Brandenburg

            Learn dutch and you would be more than suitable to teach IT at our ROC’s (middle education after high school.)

          • ahughes798

            And, my fellow Americans, Dutch is supposed to be one of the easier languages to learn!

          • John Resistant Tovarich Smith

            I’m waiting to see the pictures of thousands of fat, pasty white people floating across the Atlantic to become refugees.

          • Robbertjan Brandenburg

            That’s dark and yet it made me chuckle.

  • Robbertjan Brandenburg

    In the meantime: This is on the Dutch election table. Cuddling or not cuddling with cows in nature. Should we do that? The animal party thinks so. ¯_(ツ)_/¯ https://twitter.com/thisisthehague/status/839137856136306690

    • Weevie

      Toss up whether the cows or Marianne are more cuddly. That’s weird!

      • Robbertjan Brandenburg

        Yeah she’s sweet. And so are the cows.

    • Biff52

      Daisy needs to see this.

      • Robbertjan Brandenburg

        Dunno who Daisy is but show it anyways.

  • Weevie

    This tax credit thing is well, exactly how it’s done now, at least in my state, except the current credit is almost twice as high. AH HAH!

    Carson, gawd, why won’t he go away? He can’t do anything beside provide satirical entertainment. ‘Cept even from that perspective, he’s not funny.

  • folderol

    It’s not like the poor and chronically ill vote. Unless the Hillary campaign votes for them, that is–two, three, maybe ten times each.

    • Weevie

      Dead members vote for sick people.

  • Raan

    Re: Ben Carson

    I’mma let Sam Jackson handle this.

    https://twitter.com/SamuelLJackson/status/838857880501641216

  • folderol
  • Weevie
    • cmd resistor

      I’m not a military but every time I see him saluting it makes me ill. Also, too, he has a new tweet up about the FAKE NEWS that his team is infighting!

  • Doug Langley

    Update on my job hunt. Still no idea if unemployment benefits will kick in or not. Need to know cuz bank account implodes in one month if not. Got three places that seem promising, but waiting, waiting, waiting to see if they want interview. What the hell’s wrong with people, it now takes weeks before they get around to interviewing?

    Part of getting benefits is going through the OhioMeansJobs website. Watching the videos on interviewing. Standard stuff: dress well, sit tall, practice elevator speech. Here’s a doozy. You gotta impress the people that you’re just dying to work there, you just l-o-v-e them to death. They even give an example! Candidate X interviews with JP Morgan Chase – yes, they gave the name – and the correct response is “I know you have a reputation, but you’re an industry leader and I seek exciting challenges and it would be my life long dream to throw away my personal life and lick your butt to the day I die!” (Okay, I embellished that last part.) What is it??? You know a place has ethics violations and fucked over thousands and still you gotta let that slide and just beg to be their lapdog? I can’t even.

    • Gosala

      In America you can go as far as you can dream. The only price is your soul.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      I got one word for you, Doug. Plastics! That’s the future.

    • BeachBum

      Sorry things are so tough.

      • Doug Langley

        Well, what do I DO about it? What? WHAT??? I’m fighting tooth and nail to get out, so why is it shoved on me? Is this NORMAL??

    • Ω cynmac will never surrender

      Some postings are a ruse by HR departments to test the market. What people are willing to work for to squeeze their current employees more. If there is a contact name and number, I usually call the screener within 5 days of posting. I also tend to go through temp and contract firms because they are quicker to process.

  • eyelashviper

    Every morning I wake up wondering and fearing, what fresh hell has been wrought by President Bannon and his frazzled little puppet….
    The outright assault on the planet by this deranged wrecking crew is something that should terrify and mobilize every sentient being everywhere.
    Just a brief view of how President Bannon wants to change the world:

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/steve-bannon-camp-of-the-saints-immigration_us_58b75206e4b0284854b3dc03

  • Granny Sprinkles

    I noticed Trevor Noah using your joke! In his defense, I waited all weekend for someone to use that and you were the first*.

    *wherein “the first” means “the first I saw” which is really all that matters

    • Yr. Gma

      Who knew Trevor Noah reads Wonkette? Asshole needs to attribute.

      • ahughes798

        And be funny.

  • rocktonsam

    Ryan acts like he made his first boom -boom in the potty chair.

  • theCryptofishist

    I guess with all that we don’t have to worry about the marines who posted nekkid lady pictures.

    • Ω cynmac will never surrender

      Someone needs to do this for our military. Video from Australia, where they had a similar scandal 3 years ago.
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QaqpoeVgr8U

      • ahughes798

        Bravo for this guy!

    • This story made me ssooooo mad!

      • theCryptofishist

        Me too. I’m glad someone here noticed.

  • BeachBum

    I find it amusing that 3 of the 4 GOP senators complaining about Trump/Ryan Care are from states Trump carried. WVA, AK, and OH.

    • Mountain folk are the worse hitbby hillbilly heroin pushed by their dumbass doctors. Ohio is just a silly place.

  • Jeanie L.
Previous articleIs Trump Going To Fire FBI Director James Comey? The Time Has Come To Speculate Wildly! So, YES! (Your Open Thread)
Next articleHey, Little Lady! White Guy Legislators Have Some Thoughts About Your Vagina!