Good morning, Wonketariat! We spent all weekend bugging phones in Florida with Obama and Hillary Clinton’s Benghazi emails; now we’re so informed that you won’t even believe how informed we are (believe me)! Here’s some of the things we may be talking about today.
- FBI Director James Comey asked the Justice Department to deny wiretapping allegations saying that it’s a big, fat, fucking lie that Obama tapped that ass.
- Trump spent the entire weekend throwing tantrums and screaming like a petulant brat at everyone in earshot after Jeff Sessions got run over by a Russian truck.
- After getting cold feet several times, Trump is expected to reveal his new
Muslim bantravel restrictions against religious and ethnic minorities from Muslim majority countries today (again), and now DHS employees are being told work from home today. WHHYYYYYYYY?
- Trumpkin border officials and administrative staff are wondering how they can treat Mexican women and children like stray animals and get away with it too.
- A social media group dedicated to private photos of female Marines is being investigated, and assholes, perverts, and jarheads are pissed they won’t be able to commit sexual assault from the safety of their dick-beating arm chairs.
- The Trumpkin data-miners who targeted specific social media users with Fake News bullshit during the election are doing the same nefarious crap in Europe in an effort to subvert the elections of our friends in Not America.
- COINCIDENTALLY some private prisons donated a metric fuck-ton of money to pro-Trump PACs, and then Trump suddenly extolled his love of private prisons. TOTAL COINCIDENCE, it’s not pay-to-play!
- The DCCC has announced 19 members have vulnerable seats, compared to the NRCC’s 36 vulnerable seats, so get your shit together, we need to get out there and beat feet to take some seats!
- Kentucky is trying to kill desegregated schools because they’re inconvenient. That’s not a joke, that’s their argument.
- In case you missed it: remember all those manufacturing jobs that tech companies said they were bringing to the poors in middle America? It’s okay, no one else remembers those P.R. stunts either.
- Trump’s Nixon-era hatchet man Roger Stone tweeted about his collusion with Julian Assange, but then he deleted the tweets, likely because he forgot he’s not supposed to have ties to Russia.
- Somebody in New York listed their apartment in Trump Tower on Airbnb which is hilarious when you get past the national security risk.
- Germany is begrudgingly building up its military and positioning its forces in Baltic states since Trump doesn’t seem to know his history, or what NATO actually does.
- Trump WAS building another gaudy hotel in Azerbaijan with the help of some awful oligarchs with ties to the Iran’s Revolutionary Guard in a really shitty part of the city, potentially breaking the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act of 1977. WHOOOPS!
- North Korea launched some missiles after the U.S. and South Korea were playing in the water with their boats, suggesting that the U.S. cyber war against North Korea may not be succeeding as planned.
- Did AHH-nold quit or get “You’re Fired” from his fake reality teevee show? There aren’t enough words in the English language to relay how much we really don’t care.
- Trump appears to be too cheap to use a tie bar because he is still using tape to keep his obnoxiously long Chinese-made ties together.
- Here’s your weekend late night wrap-up! John Oliver talked to the Dalai Lama about being shit on by China; Bill Maher whined about “liberal bad boys.”
- Here’s SNL’s FUCKING HILARIOUS cold open about Jeff Sessions.
And here’s your morning Nice Time! Fiona the baby hippo chugging some nom-noms!
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