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Morning Wonkatariat! Here’s some of the one ZILLION stories we may be talking about today.

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  • Nounverb911
  • Nounverb911

    Sessions admits who his real boss is:
    https://twitter.com/JOE_co_uk/status/837448871919878145

  • GoutMachine

    I actually have met the Russian ambassador on a couple of occasions. He’s actually a pretty nice guy, from what I could glean in a social setting.

    • How many pee hookers and Ameros did he give you? ;)

      • GoutMachine

        AOT,K.

    • OneYieldRegular

      He sounds like the opposite of “Where’s Waldo.” Instead of painstakingly trying to find him in a vast crowd of people, he’s everywhere, and it’s the others you have to find.

  • Nounverb911
    • Tacoclamgenda

      THAT could be Cutest. Thing. Evah.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Pensive hippo is pensive.

    • Idiokraticdrumpfenjugend

      I approve.

    • CeeQ

      Oh Justin. Why won’t you call me back??? Siiiiigh.

    • shastakoala

      I’m stuck.

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      I will always remember that image because it triggered my hippocampus.

  • Antonin Dvorak

    I’m glad you mentioned the Rep. Bost thing; because I would have if you didn’t.

  • dslindc

    Tom Hanks should buy Wonkette an espresso machine, also too.

    It is full of truthiness . . . . and dick jokes.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Or maybe some parts for the Wonkebago?

    • If you write him a letter he might actually respond!

  • Latverian Diplomat

    “Honestly, Trump’s people are so disorganized. Ordinarily, we would want a single point of contact to convey information and instructions, but we ended up having to talk to everybody over there. What a clusterfuck.”
    — The Russian Ambassador

    • cmd resistor

      I still want to know how they snuck that guy into Trump Tower. He is somewhat portly.

      • PubOption

        Give him scruffy clothes and a MAGA hat, he would look like any other Trump supporter.

    • Sardonicuss

      “Having second thoughts about shadow running a country stupid enough to elect Donald Trump” – Vlad

  • Bill D. Burger

    Raise Your Hand If You Met With The Russian Ambassador!

    Trump staff:

    http://i.imgur.com/JeIoaoY.jpg

  • Trump’s getting his revenge on the IRS and cutting their budget, that way those goddamn math geeks will NEVER finish their audit of his taxes! Suck it, dorks!

    I’m sure this won’t inspire any one who is possibly going to lose their job to maybe dump his tax returns out into the interwebs for all to peruse.

    • cmd resistor

      Oops. I meant to send those to the Recycle Bin.

    • calliecallie

      Yes, please.

    • Persistent Demme

      I’m surprised this hasn’t happened already.

  • canes_pugnaces

    As the screw turns: private email accounts that are used for public business (illegally) by a public official and are hacked, are fine. Private servers used for USDoS business (legally) and are not hacked should result in public flogging and loss of a limb. So saith our friends in batshit crazy right.

  • memzilla Ω
    • Crystalclear12

      Complete confidence- phrase used by senior politician before throwing junior politician under the bus.

      Can YOU use it in a sentence?

      • calliecallie

        I have complete confidence in all of them, Katie.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        I have complete confidence that the fuckups will continue.

      • Notreelyhelping

        Trump? A complete confidence man.

    • PubOption

      I see Jeff’s arms spinning like the clocks in this video.
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7UVRMzymR2s

  • dslindc

    At this point, I feel like the list of people NOT colluding with the Russians would be much shorter.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    Raise Your Hand If You Met With The Russian Ambassador! Wonkagenda For Fri., March 3, 2017

    Met him on the ice in Lake Placid, 1980. Bastard shut me out. Greatest goalie of all time. Period.

  • Nounverb911
  • Lulu Mac
    • Tacoclamgenda

      Scared the cat LOL.

    • Mr. Blobfish

      She’s threatening to run for president. Please don’t, lady.

  • Lizzietish81

    Well I wanted to post the scene from I, Claudius where Brian Blessed as Augustus bellows “Is there any man in Rome who has not slept with my daughter?” followed by dead silence. Unfortunately it’s not on youtube and that makes me sad cause it’s a great fucking scene.

    • Lefty Frizzell

      For some reason I remember that like it was yesterday, even though it must be 40 years. After a long pause didn’t somebody reply “not slept” and he said “oh you did it standing up did you?”.

      • Lizzietish81

        Yep, I remember that vividly

  • Latverian Diplomat

    Today in things that will never happen:
    Trump leads crowd in chants of “lock him up” before arresting Pence for the crime of email abuse.

  • memzilla Ω
    • GoutMachine

      Oh, that’s excellent.

  • Chyron HR

    Amb. Kislyak: (falsetto voice) Oh, I’m the belle of the ball!

  • dslindc

    Using private email is bad enough, but an AOL email account? Who are you, someone’s 85 year old grandparent?

  • Nounverb911
  • Creepoman

    Imagine you’re Sergey for a second, and every morning you stare into the mirror – the bloated jowls, the enormous wattle, and realize the Herculean task that lies ahead as you set out to shave the acres and acres of face staring back at you.

  • LarryHoudini

    He texted me about plastic surgery for double chins. I told him to talk to zombie Jerry Falwell.

  • Nounverb911

    Drumpf to order investigation in 3…2…1…
    https://twitter.com/jk_rowling/status/837599717639000064

  • stankbait

    I wish Jeff Sessions could wiggle his ears like the baby hippo.

  • Mr. Blobfish
  • Randy Riddle

    At least Pence didn’t use Yahoo. That would be _really_ lame.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      “I’m an AOL man for life!”
      — Mike Pence

    • eka

      aol is your grandma’s email. yahoo is the email address you forgot to delete after switching 10+ years ago.

      ETA i did have aol at one point. i think 1997.

      • Shanzgood

        *blush*

        • eka

          which one?

          • Shanzgood

            I still use Yahoo account from over 10 years ago.

      • GoutMachine

        I still have Yahoo, but exclusively for web sign-ons where I know I’ll just get a bunch of shit I don’t want to read.

        • Bmaccnm

          That’s how I use my AOL account. I’m a little troubled by shitting on people for not having a cool internet provider. Rural people still use dial-up accounts, and people who don’t want or can’t afford cable still use dial up accounts. Save the snark for those who deserve it. Okay, Mike Pence deserves it.

      • Historicat

        yahoo is the email address you forgot to delete after switching 10+ years ago.

        Guilty. I mainly use gmail now but I will never ever let go of my netscape email address.

    • OneYieldRegular

      LOCK HIM UP.

    • puredog

      Hotmail.

  • TundraGrifter

    Personally, I’m glad to see AG Sessions won’t be rushin’ into this.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      That’s your last pun. You’re really pushkin the limits.

      • therblig

        after this, it’s nothing but bad marx on your record

        • Malaclypse

          pun threads are really just One Day in the Life of Wonkette Denisovich

      • OneYieldRegular

        Dostoyesvsky my patience.

        • Querolous

          Chekov that one from your list.

      • TundraGrifter

        It’s a fault. Sometimes I get a little Volga.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      He’s still Putin the cart before the horse, though.

    • PubOption

      Is he Stalin for time?

    • Cock Blockula

      Just thinking about this gives me the trotskies…

  • Belasaurius

    I’ll wager that the “sizzler” certificate is more valuable than a “degree” from Trump University…

    • Undocumented Skwerl!

      And is totally free!

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      I had a “sizzler” certificate. Good for one free drink with the purchase of a meal.
      Which is indeed more than a Trump “University” degree will get you.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      At least you have a job when you get the Sizzler one.

  • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨
    • GoutMachine

      I’ll give you one guess as to his radio listening habits.

      • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

        UPDATE: Juan Thompson, 31 was arrested in St. Louis, MO. He is accused of making at least 8 of the threats against JCCs. @ADL_National

      • Martini Ambassador

        And his choice of presidential candidate too.

    • Martini Ambassador
    • Lance Thrustwell

      Ha! Bastard. It always amazes me how little is involved in a bomb threat. I imagine it goes something like this:

      {Phone rings, secretary answers} Hello?
      CALLER: Bomb threat.
      SECRETARY Bomb threat?
      CALLER: Bomb threat.
      SECRETARY: {turns to coworkers} Bomb threat.

      No other words necessary!

      • Courser_Resistance

        I once got training in taking a bomb threat telephone call. The questions we were supposed to ask were hilarious. I can’t remember any now, but it was stuff no self-respecting terrorist would answer.

        • Shanzgood

          “Can I call you back in 5 minutes?”

        • shastakoala

          Hold please.

        • BearDeLaOursistance

          “Do you like piña coladas? Getting caught in the rain?”

  • jesuswasablack
  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    I may have met with the Russian ambassador, but like everybody else, I don’t remember it. If you prove that we met, I don’t remember what was said, but it definitely wasn’t whatever it is you’re asking about.

    I can haz Cabinet appointment now?

    • Msgr_MΩment

      I’ve been told that I had sex with him, but, wow, no memory.

      • BadKitty904

        Happily, Vlad has videos to “refresh” your memory.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    Sizzler University ethics 101 class:

    – Keep groping of subordinates to a minimum
    – Don’t steal all of your employees tips
    – Undocumented immigrants make great (cheap) employees!
    – You know, this person hardly touched their steak, it’s still good

    • SnarkON

      I call dibs on the baked potato.

    • You forgot the 5 second rule

  • SnarkON

    The espresso machine is cute and all, but if Tom Hanks really wants to support the White House press corps, he’ll encourage his bazillion fans to pony up for a subscription to their preferred newspaper.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    I heard the Russian ambassador has his own office in the West Wing.

    • dslindc

      And it’s not even up those scary stairs!

  • Nounverb911
    • Shanzgood

      Ha! Turd pit snorkler will prolly be my next job.

    • Persistent Demme

      I Love New York!

  • Robbertjan Brandenburg

    Does a black Russian count?

  • Shanzgood

    I’m making no apologies whatsoever for the no-no tingles over the JT photos this morning.

  • Chadwells
  • IOnlyLikeCats

    But her gender identity!

  • Cousin Itt de La Résistance
    • Nounverb911

      Needs more punchcards.

      • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

        Paper tape. I am old enough to have been blessed by the experience of entering the load code into the front panel of a minicomputer so that it would boot from a paper tape. Those were the days.

        Had AOL gotten into business twenty years earlier they would have been mailing spools of paper tape to everybody and their siblings four times a year instead of those floppies. At least the floppies could be reformatted and used for something useful.

        Oh, I learned FORTRAN in university using batched punch cards. I’m surprised I didn’t change my major to something that didn’t use them.

    • IOnlyLikeCats

      Typewriter and secretary desk libelz.

    • jesuswasablack
      • MizzMazz

        Naw, it never worked that fast, at least mine didn’t. You logged on, went to the kitchen to make a sandwich, check back, then go and mix a drink, and by then it found a number that worked.

    • Kiri the Paid Protestor
  • geoffalnutt

    I met him once myself! It was in an old phone booth in about 30 ft. of water off the coast of Florida. Actually, to be honest, he never showed. I was miffed.

    • Hutch

      Is outrageous! We try again next week?

  • msanthropesmr

    I have no met the Russian Ambassador. But someone is sneaking around in my backyard.

  • Sardonicuss

    “Trump’s getting his revenge on the IRS and cutting their budget, that way those goddamn math geeks will NEVER finish their audit of his taxes! Suck it, dorks!”

    Here that anonymous IRS bureaucrat!
    Go to the file. Right click “copy file”. Paste file into thumb drive, or just USB to phone.
    Send copies to: Washington Post, New York Times ect…
    Congratulations! You just saved humanity on your lunch hour!

  • jesuswasablack
  • fawkedifiknow

    As Casey Stengel, manager of the expansion-era Mets, asked plaintively, “Can’t anyone here play this game?”

  • Crystalclear12

    Why can’t I meet a Russian ambassador?!

  • Chyron HR

    I saw a Russian ambassador drinking a pina colada at Traitor Don’s. His hair was perfect (The ambassador’s, not Donald’s).

    • therblig

      just heard that song on the radio this morning and it reminded me when blig jr was in 2nd grade and his teacher asked to speak to me when i dropped him off. she was concerned because he had been singing about a little old lady who got mutilated. she was a control freak who screamed at the class on the very first day of school and who seemingly had a pathological hatred of boys. she was certainly young enough/old enough to have heard WWOL but looked totally clueless when I told her the line was from a song. so glad those days are over.

    • msanthropesmr
  • coozledad

    No wonder the Russian Ambassador is so popular. He’s got cameltoe on his face!

    Also:
    https://twitter.com/RVAwonk/status/837405299833176066

  • Crystalclear12

    Sure, why not? Pissing off the IRS always works out well.
    Hey, while you are at it make sure they have nothing to lose.

    • Lefty Frizzell

      Since leaks are very much en vogue at the moment, the IRS might have something that could contribute much to the debate. Just sayin’

  • BadKitty904

    Kislyak is said to be well-known as Russia’s spymaster in the U.S. Consequently, his every move is closely monitored by our intelligence agencies.

    And the Trumpkins thought no one would find out about all these payoffs meetings?

    • Lulu Mac

      Kislyak unexpectedly dies in 3…2…1…

      • Gayer Than Thou

        Republicans start calling for open-carry laws for polonium in 3…2…1…

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    Personally, I think someone with a Ph.D. in Hamburgerology from Sizzler U. is highly qualified to decide who gets hired in our institutions of higher learning. Btw, how did their football team do this year?

    • memzilla Ω

      They’re in a real pickle, and playing ketchup.

      • Thatsit Fortheotherwon

        Sez a you, sesame.

        • Cousin Itt de La Résistance

          Col. Mustard in the drive-thru with a fry basket.

    • cmd resistor

      I am pretty sure that one of the managers I had when working at McDonald’s in high school had actually attended Hamburger U.

      • Mike Steele

        Likely so-Lady MS was once a field trainer working out of Holiday Inn U (Olive Branch MS HQ).

    • GoutMachine

      I dunno, I was too busy studying for my minor in sneeze guard maintenance.

    • Mr. Blobfish

      The Fightin’ Filet Mignons did not have a good season.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        I caught part of their game against the Bloomin’ Onions. They did not look good.

        • Thatsit Fortheotherwon

          And losing that squeaker to the Titanic Tubesteaks…

      • weejee

        He shoulda gone to the Evergreen State College – the Fighting Geoducks.

        https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/5613097d2d8bd804ade15119ade391b3dc803f12f237abf866b742ff216034f9.jpg

        • Shanzgood

          Those are just ridiculous.

          • puredog

            They make a fine chowder. Even better than canned clamz.

          • Skeptical_thinker

            They are too cold for some other purposes even when fully erect.

          • Shanzgood

            So much NO!

      • Notreelyhelping

        Did they get burned?

        • Hutch

          Just stick a fork in ’em….

    • Thatsit Fortheotherwon

      If Ditsy DeVos doesn’t pan out at least they’ve got a guy with credentials.

    • Sardonicuss

      Are they the ones that parachute in to the games with the “Eat moar chikin” signs?

      • Persistent Demme

        I find that ad campaign super depressing.
        Who thought it was a good idea to remind people that they’re eating a dead, anthropomorphized animal?

  • Martini Ambassador
    • puredog

      ssshhhhh

    • Cock Blockula

      Is this the same one that Rand Paul valiantly sought yesterday? Where was it finally found?

      • Martini Ambassador

        Good question. The only thing I read is that some of the details were “leaked.”

      • Notreelyhelping

        Rand Paul’s desk drawer.

  • Gayer Than Thou

    Premature Hippo is the name of my glitter punk band. We are mainly zaftig drag queens, except for the wiry straight guy who plays the tambourine.

  • Resistance Fighter Astraea

    Is everyone preparing for the 20th Anniversary of Buffy the Vampire Slayer’s debut on March 10th? Or are you just horrified like me that it’s been 20 years?

    http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m3z2yeQvxm1qihsweo4_250.gif

    • Shanzgood

      Horrified.

    • Tacoclamgenda

      Since I didn’t watch it until about 10 yrs ago on Netflix I’m only half as horrified.

      • Cock Blockula

        I was late to the Buffy party too, but it became my favorite show of all time.

        • Shanzgood

          Same. My dad kept trying to get me to watch for years but the premise sounded kinda stupid and his enthusiasm was a little off-putting because he was a HS teacher.

          • Persistent Demme

            My dad was also a HS teacher!
            Math, (and I was super shitty at math).

          • Shanzgood

            Mine taught kids with leaning and emotional problems. My God, the stories…!

            For instance, last time we went to lunch at a restaurant owned by a friend of his, he told me about when he took a group of his kids out to eat there. The conditions these kids grew up in were so terrible that most of them had never been “out to eat” anywhere but at a fast food place. This wasn’t a fancy place, but still nice.

            The kids had a great time and were painfully well-behaved, he said. But they didn’t know how to order or what to do when the servers came. And when they were done, they tried to take their plates to the kitchen themselves. So sweet but…

            Anyway, part of his job was to teach his students how to function in the world. Some of them still come to him for help with job applications and figuring out which bus to take.

            I HEART TEACHERS

    • BadKitty904
      • Resistance Fighter Astraea

        If Teen Wolf was way better.

      • Shanzgood

        GO TO YOUR ROOM RIGHT NOW!

        • BadKitty904

          *pouts*

      • Historicat

        Don’t make me have to come over there and smack you.

    • msanthropesmr

      I was more horrified to find out I have lived through both the 25th anniversary of Sgt. Pepper and Paul’s Boutique. :(

    • Duke

      I’m constantly horrified by everything.

      What’s that called?

      • Antonin Dvorak

        Conservatism?

        • msanthropesmr

          No, that’s being scared of everything.

      • House0fTheBlueLights

        Fox News

      • Bebecca

        getting old?

    • PubOption

      Horrified.

  • jesuswasablack

    Poor Donald, since his AG went and committed perjury nobody is talking about his tremendous speech Tuesday night or his military dress-up play-date yesterday? He used to be so great at controlling the news cycle, what happened?
    http://ww4.hdnux.com/photos/57/46/21/12477555/3/920×920.jpg
    http://cdn.duffelblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/11/usstrump.jpg

    • Duke

      Yea! More aircraft carriers!

      They’ll be obsolete in an all-out war with China or Russia but, hey, they work great against the Third World and make great photo-ops.

    • weejee

      Smallest bounce evah! Almost negative yoooooooooooge.

    • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

      We’re not talking about his profound epiphanies like “It’s like being on the land, but it’s on the water”?

      Yes, we call that “a ship”.

      • jesuswasablack

        I believe he also asked “do I look OK?”

        • puredog

          I believe he also said domething to the effect of “this place, it’s a real place.”

      • Kiri the Paid Protestor

        Cripes, did he actually say that?

    • SOTU LIBELZ! Dame Peggington was!

      • therblig

        “In any case, presidents should say the right things.”

        not do the right things? not tell the truth? not lash out like a fucking baby?

        she has truly slipped the surly bonds of sobriety once again.

    • BadKitty904

      WAR WITH LICHTENSTEIN!!1!

      • Kiri the Paid Protestor

        We have always been at war with the Duchy of Grand Fenwick.

    • Idiokraticdrumpfenjugend

      I had an intense feeling of revulsion when I saw that poser walking around aboard the Gerald R. Ford yesterday.

      • Kiri the Paid Protestor

        Too bad he can’t fit in a tank. He’d look even sillier than Dukakis did.

      • Persistent Demme

        From the pics, it looks like you weren’t the only one.

    • OneYieldRegular

      Kim Il Trump.

    • CeeQ

      Trump in that first picture: Did you KNOW how yooge this ship was? It’s yooooge!! Like my electoral win. Check out my jacket, I look so tremendous. Everyone’s been saying it.

  • Martini Ambassador
    • puredog

      In Mother Russia, ads take you out!

    • CeeQ

      😆😆🤣🤣

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    Carter Page used the “code of honor” he learned in the Navy as the reason why he should be beyond questioning for being a treasonous, lying sack of shit.

    • NastyBossetti

      I went to Catholic school, where I learned a code of honor, of sorts. I also learned that my sins are between me and God. Therefore, I am beyond man’s questioning for anything I do wrong in the earthly plane.
      Am I doing it right?

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        Almost. Because Page spoke to a Russian spy CONFIDENTIALLY, he is now honor bound not to disclose the details of that meeting. To use the Catholic analogy, Page is a priest who heard the Russian’s confession, and is sworn to silence.

        • NastyBossetti

          That’s even dumber than I thought.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            I may be a traitor, but I never break a promise!”

  • calliecallie

    If I had a time machine, I would go back in time, move to Canada, and hook up with young Justin Trudeau.

  • ManchuCandidate

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kwC_IaY3BmY
    He looks like a bulkier Joss Ackland…

    I have a feeling that he will get a similar retort to what Danny “I’m Too Old For This Shit” Glover said in Lethal Weapon 2: Gibson Ever Crazier.

  • Baby hippos having pool time is almost as good as kitten videos. Almost.

    • calliecallie

      I was thinking those ladies are rather brave for sitting in the pool with that hippo, even if he is only a babby.

      • Sardonicuss

        That hippo would eat you and everyone you know….if he could get out of that damn wading pool.

        • therblig

          that playful thigh bite makes for the most adorable killing machine ever.

      • Persistent Demme

        I was wondering: when do they get mean and bitey?

  • calliecallie

    This may have already been said, but really who among us can’t remember the last time they met with a Russian? I’ve been trying, but I just can’t remember meeting even one.

    • Skeptical_thinker

      I work with several Russians.

    • Martini Ambassador

      I used to work with a bunch of them. Not to malign all Russian computer programmers, but this group, what a bunch of self-important assholes!

      • Skeptical_thinker

        It was half and half with the bunch I work with.

      • Shanzgood

        Maybe the problem wasn’t because they were Russian.

        • Tacoclamgenda

          Um, not to malign all computer programmers but most of the ones I’ve met, what a bunch of self important assholes.

          • Shanzgood

            We have a few here, so I’m not gonna malign all programmers, either. Just the ones I dated.

        • Martini Ambassador

          #notallRussianbrogrammers

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      I used to teach skating. It’s Russians and Ukrainians all the way down.

      • House0fTheBlueLights

        And yes, every one of them has the ethics of a Drumpf appointee.

        • Tacoclamgenda

          Maybe they should be on the US “Do Not Enter” list.

          • House0fTheBlueLights

            American skating coaches would turn into loyal Drumpf voters overnight in gratitude.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Take ballroom dancing lessons sometime. It’s Russians all the way up.

      • Sandy Beaches

        I remember when they invaded the UofD.

        • House0fTheBlueLights

          Yup. And poached everyone’s students.

    • BadKitty904
    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      The important thing is that you don’t remember. Want a Cabinet post?

    • mancityRed6

      I know a Bulgarian that can speak Russian.

    • Thaumaturgist

      I can remember. But she wasn’t a hooker and she didn’t pee on anything. Does that count?

      • calliecallie

        Why even bother, then?

    • Mike Steele

      My father’s grandfather was a Russian, but neither of us ever met him.

      • calliecallie

        Likely story.

        • Mike Steele

          Okay, maybe just that once…

    • Jennaratrix

      I had a friend from Ukraine, but she spoke Russian. Does that count?

      • calliecallie

        You better recuse yourself, right now.

    • BearGHAZI

      My family is friends with Alexey Pashitnov, creator of Tetris.

    • Querolous

      When I was a drinking man, I remember starting days with a Bloody Mary. Does that count?

  • Chadwells

    Marble mouth Melon moron reading Dr. Seuss….how the fuck did those kids’ ear drums NOT explode?

  • BadKitty904

    The Trump “Administration” this morning…

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kzw1_2b-I7A

      • BadKitty904

        Laurence Olivier was genuinely terrifying in that role.

        • puredog

          A friend of mine shared a dentist in NYC with William Goldman. There were several examination rooms, with several dentists working there at once. Whenever Goldman had an appointment, word would spread, and they would all gawk at him, as he had made their lives all so much more. . .interesting in terms of patient relations.

          • BadKitty904

            Pretty funny. Had I been one of the dentists, I would’ve asked for his autograph.

    • Querolous

      Saw that movie the day before I had a root canal.

      • BadKitty904

        Was it “safe”?

  • cmd resistor

    Ok, so it is a nice thing Melania read to some kids. I only hope they are not terminal or anything, given the title of the book and all.

    • Asterix

      When I saw this yesterday my first thought was “She can read?” But then I remembered she read Mrs. Obama’s speech to the I Hate America Party thrown by her husband last July.

      Who knew Eastern European Hookers were also literate!

  • Cousin Itt de La Résistance
  • CeeQ

    My first thought as I gazed on hawt pics of young Trudeau:

    “Hey, Boo”

    Thanks, my Wonkette, I’m 16 again!!

    • Sandy Beaches

      Print one of the photos. Staple Justing through the belly button, remove the staple: Poof! Instant Tiger Beat Poster for your room!

      • CeeQ

        Hahahahah

  • Jgb979

    The terrifying and somewhat hopeful thing about all of this:

    If and when Russian investigations begin in earnest (I still optimistically choose to believe when), potentially every R in DC will be caught in the crossfire

    The only ones left standing may be walnuts and Lindsey

    • Courser_Resistance

      Same here, but I think the whole thing will probably move extraordinarily slowly. As the minority party right now, about all ‘we’ can do is be really annoying lap dogs constantly yapping about the danger. But we also won’t leave it alone, so yeah, we’ll get there but it’ll probably be pretty painful all around.

      My other worry is that democracy really needs at least two functioning parties. ‘Absolute power corrupts absolutely’ goes both ways.

      • Also, we don’t have any.

  • jesuswasablack
    • Lefty Frizzell

      The codpiece wins

      • Hutch

        I don’t know. Grandpa looks pretty thrilled in his gitup.

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          Bingo night at the VFW post?

          • Hutch

            Perfect! LOL

          • ‘Free Donuts to Poser Vets Day’ at Krispy Kreme?

            (BONUS: a wonderful nickname for ‘Military Posers’ seen on a message board – 400 pound farting waffle waiter)

      • Shanzgood

        Ugh. You made me look.

      • Thaumaturgist

        Nah. Trump wasn’t as pompous.

      • Mike Steele

        Yet something (US troops in Iraq, maybe) has me thinkin’ the mission was not exactly accomplished, eh, Shrub?

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      Draft dodger vs guy who didn’t show up half the time for his squiff duty. Decisions, decisions.

  • puredog

    “Become” alcoholics? (But I’ll concede the “high-functioning.”)

  • mancityRed6
    • tomamitai

      This story is really weird. The guy’s Twitter feed for the last few days of February has a number of Tweets claiming his ex was setting him up by making the threats “in his name”, but now he’s the one being arrested. He was also fired from The Intercept for fabricating quotes and sources in stories he wrote. Plus, he apparently has leftist sympathies, so now all the right wingers are saying “see, see, it’s not one of ours, false flag, false flag!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!”. Bože moj!

  • arglebargle

    LOL, AOL.

  • Asterix

    I thought being an alcoholic was a Wonkjob requirement – pothead a plus.

    • Shanzgood

      I can’t do both or my vomit spigot gets jammed on full blast for hours.

      • Cousin Itt de La Résistance

        Thanks for sharing during my breakfast.

        • Shanzgood

          Welcome to the Wonkette diet plan. I’ve lost 30lbs so far.

          • Up In Smoke O’hontas

            Don’t worry, I found them. They were under those cakes we like

      • Courser_Resistance

        Oooh, so sorry! Yeah, I discovered that in college. No bueno!

      • Asterix

        Shanzgood, I don’t know why but that has me laughing out loud. Now my coworkers think I’m even crazier than they already thought.

        Thank you.

        • Shanzgood

          You’re welcome? XD

    • cmd resistor

      So I am already in Florida, have cats, and thanks to Trump on the way to alcoholism.

    • Rick Hill

      I can intuit when spellcheck corrects me and I have a keyboard. Not an alcoholic but I can learn. I’ll work for half the Ameros of one of those “educated” “writers”.

      Also, don’t tell Evan or Dok or Robyn that I said “educated” “writers” and tried to steal their jobs.

    • Courser_Resistance

      I’m a pothead! I can haz job nau?

  • cmd resistor

    OT, but on his way to Mar-A-Lago today Trump will drop in on a Catholic private school in Orlando. http://www.news4jax.com/news/florida/trump-to-visit-orlando-to-promote-school-choice

    • Rick Hill

      See? He’s not vacaying if he stops to do a little pr shoot o the way…

    • BadKitty904

      Perhaps he’ll visit the Pulse Massacre memorial, too. Yeah. Right.

      • cmd resistor

        Only to tell them how he was right about Radical Islamic Terrorism.

    • Courser_Resistance

      Prolly a girl’s Catholic school to pick his next plaything.

    • Asterix

      If only the evil penguins hadn’t died off. I’d love to see a bunch of those old birds beat the Jesus into him with their rulers.

  • Rick Hill

    Not to forget, these people met with the Russians when it was widely beleived trump had a snowballs chancein heel of winning.

    • BadKitty904

      And then, suddenly…

    • Thaumaturgist

      Right. Snowball’ chance.billion

      • natoslug

        The iceman may have cometh, but it sure as fuck wasn’t a happy ending for the rest of us.

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      So maybe it wasn’t a big deal at the time to barter campaign assistance and Gawd knows what else from the Russians in exchange for a promise to lift the sanctions.

      • Rick Hill

        Yeah. Happens all the time. Obama did the same with the Black Panthers

        • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

          Interesting. Please provide links to individuals who testified that Obama met with Black Panthers as opposed to Trump surrogates meeting with Russians. Seems like there would have been something about that in the news. Infowars doesn’t count.

          • Rick Hill

            I got it written down here somewhere, same page with links to the Clintons using the KKK to win Bill’s first election and Reagan barganning with Satan…

          • natoslug

            Check on the back of your copy of Obama’s Kenyan bird certificate.

          • Rick Hill

            You see? It was all a speling error. the republicans are just misunderstood

          • OddMan

            Poe² =√(i)

          • Rick Hill

            Idk. Any defense of republicans has to be a joke so does it count?

          • natoslug

            It’s been a long week/month/quarter and we’re all worn a bit thin, but pretty sure (a full Fox News 107%, also too) Rick’s post was meant in jest.

          • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

            I am always reliable troll bait. It hardly ever fails. I did manage to (mostly ignore TLM) guy yesterday

          • natoslug

            Turgid was back? Man, I miss all the greatest losers when I get stuck doing my job rather than getting to non-comment on the interwebz!

          • Up In Smoke O’hontas

            You didn’t miss much. Gallons, lube, throbbing, anus, screaming…the usual. He did trot out some George Zimmerman crap that was particularly rancid.

  • thewalkindude

    “Excuse me, I’m supposed to meet with a Paul Ryan, something about a Republican health care plan…” https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/0e7796fb103f059bf9ba6b8641971c4e8c36610a4c1bb934ee833c62f1b8dd4c.jpg

    • CeeQ

      Excuse me but where’s 45th Street? I’m late to host a panel.

    • Needs more CAPITAL LETTERS.

  • Rick Hill

    What did they talk about?
    -“Here, the new password for the sekrit server at trump tower. Now give me a different email, the FBI is monitoring the other”

  • jesuswasablack

    Gosh I wonder if Donald’s bone spurs were bothering him yesterday, all that walking on that aircraft carrier must have been tough?
    https://pics.onsizzle.com/bone-spurs-didnt-keep-trump-out-of-sports-n-y-m-a-5660052.png

    • Rick Hill

      Walking on all those tax dollars must make them act up

  • Nasty Candy Apple

    Holy fuck, this shit is depressing.

    • Up In Smoke O’hontas

      Go look at Trudeau. It will help, I promise!
      *fans self*

  • Watching Melania read Seuss like she’s reporting on massive grain production in Murmansk for Glory of Mother Russia: Priceless!

    • PubOption

      She’s swapped Pravda for Prada.

  • The Librarian

    Oh, Mr. Page may not have have admitted much, but his “pleading the 5th” speaks volumes.

  • Chadwells

    Nailed it. This woman hates Ivanka and kin, which makes her a-o-k in my book!!!!

    “Ivanka Drumpf using feminism to cover for her father’s bigotry is reprehensible”

    https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2017/mar/02/ivanka-trump-feminism-father-cover-bigotry

    • Thaumaturgist
      • Up In Smoke O’hontas

        Yes. And ewww!

      • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

        He must have a thing for Slavic eyes.

      • dlemex

        Except for the demon eyes… quick someone call Sam and Dean.

      • janecita

        I think that Ivanka looks exactly like her father.

        • Dawn Abraham

          Now try to imagine what that same expression on her face will look like 40 yrs from now. So often young people don’t realize that these masks they choose become like cement over time.

          • janecita

            Scary:-(

      • Chadwells

        I had to double take for sure. Considering Dampnut’s groin lust for his daughter…it doesn’t surprise me.

      • tomamitai

        They look like they could be mother and daughter. Melania sure looks like she’s had some cheap work done on her face in that pic, though it may just be the lighting.

      • Sandy Beaches

        Both appear to by vying for the title, “Red Queen.”

  • Bebecca

    There are so many things to criticize Trump and Co about that this is silly. But…do they know how stupid they look in those hats? Hats with a suit, hats with a flak jacket. Wonder if he wears a hat with his bathrobe?

    • LucindathePook

      I thought Spicey said he doesn’t wear a bathrobe.
      (I am still wearing a bathrobe because retired. Also no pants, no hat.)

      • janecita

        You are living the dream!

        • LucindathePook

          You bet.

  • Medusa
  • going4baroque

    I will admit I have a relationship with select Russian cultural ambassadors Tolstoy, Chekhov, Dostoevsky, Kate Bush:
    https://youtu.be/6xckBwPdo1c

    • janecita

      I like the Russian ballet myself.

      • coozledad

        It’s kind of like Nijinsky beating himself off on stage during “prelude D’apres midi un jug eared racist dwarf.”

      • going4baroque

        I do too, but I had to end the list at some point :)

  • OTB

    Rosneft. Rosneft. Rosneft. Rosneft.

    • tomamitai

      It’s his nickname for his mistress’s clitoris the name of his boyhood sled.

  • Up In Smoke O’hontas

    Fuck our dystopian nightmare, I will be building a new bunk in Canada, where I will fap to young Trudeau until the world makes sense again!

  • Me not sure

    I think Kislyak was the guy sitting in the corner nursing a Sam Adams during the drinky thing in Atlanta. He asked me if I’d like to be a Republican Senator. I asked him if he shouldn’t stop drinking.

  • BearDeLaOursistance

    Clearly, the Sizzler thing was just Chelgren going for the standard Republican over-the-top patriotism angle:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E3YGtQ40Qvs

  • azeyote

    first time i’ve seen this old footage of sgt. shultz without his helmet

  • Claire
    • Up In Smoke O’hontas

      Wasn’t Comey supposed to do something? I think it was suggested on some mommyblog……oh, yeah!
      JAMES COME NEEDS TO GO FUCK HIMSELF!!!

      • Zyxomma

        Okay, then. I’m no longer going to pronounce it comb-ee. From now on, he’s James Cummy.

  • gingerland62

    A cruel irony , Melania speaking to sick children, that if they make it to adulthood will be adults with preexisting conditions. Those kids will be screwed by her husband bigly. Also, Dr.Seuss was a longtime supporter of public education. This is the Hunger Games

    • Jeffery Campbell

      After all, it was Dr. Seuss who presaged our current problems with Yertle the Turtle.

    • Persistent Demme

      And she doesn’t even know how to show the book while she’s reading.
      The kids are bored and not paying attention.
      That’s some charisma there, Melania!

  • janecita

    Wtf, she didn’t read the whole book!! Lazy!

  • Snopes Shop

    Again with “the witch hunts”.

  • ImGoingBacon

    True Story. I, and another member of the vintage car club to which we belong, were displaying our old cars at Hillwood Estate in DC. A group of Russians were touring the estate grounds, and started asking questions about the cars, and if the club would be interested in showing some cars at the Russian embassy. So yeah, I almost met him. As far as I know, no one followed up on the invite though

    • therblig

      so did yugo? or was it a lada trouble?

  • Jesus Christ canada. We got a pee stained fat ass and you get THAT?!?!?!

    That is just not fair.

    • Sandy Beaches

      He really is quite *gulp* lovely.

    • McMema6

      To be fair, they did go through years of Harper and tar sands destruction. There are Canadians who bitterly hate him and are plotting Trudeau’s defeat so they can go back to reaping that sweet, sweet oil monies.

  • Bill Slider

    Wonkette once had a real life Florida war correspondent, but I think he must have got eated by an alligator while being an alcoholic and mistaking it for a pussy cat, grabbed it.

  • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨
  • guppy06

    Sergey Kislyak is the Kevin Bacon of Our Time.

    • McMema6

      Yes, by x 6 degrees. To the 10th power.

      That’s all the math I know, but I should run for office and say I have 6 degrees in math! Win!

  • Bitter Scribe

    Iowa State Senator Mark Chelgren lied about all his managerial credentials, and actually got his “degree” from a Sizzler, but it’s cool because, according to one official, the course was “kind of like Hamburger University at McDonald’s.”

    I have a Sizzler coupon for 10% off. Can I call that a degree in finance?

    • Scrofula
      • Bitter Scribe

        True story: When my former state senator got caught falsely passing himself off as a CPA, he tried to finesse it by legally changing his name to add “CPA” to the end. The judge wouldn’t allow it. He won anyway.

        • McMema6

          That is so fucking disturbing.

          • Bitter Scribe

            Tell me about it. Now he’s chairman of the county board, having traded seats with another genius. The board meetings basically consist of the other members trying to argue him out of doing something stupid.

    • McMema6

      I think it would at least count for an Associate’s Degree in Accounting in their world.

    • I was surprised Sizzler’s still exist.

  • Zyxomma

    I think present-day Justin Trudeau is way hotter (although he was a gorgeous young man). Does that make me weird, or just old?

  • Querolous
  • Robbertjan Brandenburg

    If you close your eyes and listen to Melania it sounds as if the October revolution of the USA has been something something completed.

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