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Did you see this moment? Nobody else did either.

Aw nuts! Donald Trump did a big boy address to Congress and managed not to play with any of his own poop THE WHOLE TIME, and he used the widow of that Navy SEAL killed in Yemen as a prop to score political points, and all these idiot people on the television (looking at you, VAN JONES) were like “OMG HE PIVOTED! He is ‘presidential’ now, because he didn’t eat any of his own farts while he was talking! Hooray for Trump!” It was an amazing speech! (WONKETTE INSTA-FACT-CHECK: The fuck it was.)

Yeah, well, pull out your sad trombones and start a-blowin’, because there’s bad news about the ratings for the address, which, like everything else in Trump’s sad life, weren’t as big as Obama’s:

According to Nielsen’s final official tally, Trump’s speech drew 47.74 million viewers from approximately 9 to 10:15 p.m. across 11 networks. Those 11 networks counted by Nielsen were ABC, CBS, Fox, NBC, Univision, PBS, CNN, Fox Business Network, Fox News Channel, MSNBC, and NBC Universo.

President Obama’s first address pulled in an audience of 52.37 million people across the four broadcast networks, Fox News, CNN, MSNBC, CNBC, Telemundo, and Univision — a difference of about 9%. The audience for President George W. Bush’s first address, at 39.79 million, was overshadowed by the State of the Union Address he delivered in 2003, which brought in 62.06 million viewers.

And before somebody says, BUT WAIT, that doesn’t count all the people who watched it on the interwebs, Variety throws cold water on that theory, pointing out that live-streaming usually doesn’t account for any more than a “couple percent” of the total viewership. Wonkette would like to throw even COLDER water on it, by noting that Trump supporters, on average, are 396 million years old, and do not tend to stream things on their AOL free trial disks or Jitterbug phones. The numbers would have been way higher, we guess, if more Trump supporters were able to find the TV clicker in the couch cushions. As it is, they just kept watching Home Shopping Network or their old videotapes of “Wheel Of Fortune.” SAD!

Now, as many have noted, Trump did receive high marks for his speech, among the five and a half people who watched it. Even some Democrats liked it, with a CBS poll finding that 40% of Dems who watched “at least somewhat approved” of the speech. This simply proves that some Democrats are idiots.

But did Trump not set TREMENDOUS records, for giving the most-tweeted-about presidential address to Congress OF ALL TIME? Actually, seems like those numbers were padded by pro-Trump “bots,” AKA fake people who don’t even exist. What a loser!

Anyway, whatever “bounce” Trump gets for speaking for one whole hour without literally setting his own orange dick on fire, it’s likely to go away pretty fast because LOL RUSSIA. Did you hear there is new news on Russia? Attorney General Jeff Sessions had love talks with the Russian ambassador, who is also a spy! And there will be more news about the Russia stuff, because literally everybody in the Trump regime seems to be infected/compromised by Russia in some way! Ha ha!

The point is that Trump’s loser speech for losers was watched by very few losers, and everybody will soon forget about it, because RUSSIA? DID YOU HEAR RUSSIA STUFF? THERE IS MORE RUSSIA STUFF!

RUSSIA RUSSIA RUSSIA! RUSSIA RUSSIA RUSSIA!

The end.

Wonkette, which is entirely reader-supported, gives Trump VERY LOW RATINGS for his address to Congress. Won’t you help us out with a few bucks?

[Variety]

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  • wide_stance_hubby

    Donald. Face it. Your ass is the only thing you will ever have that is bigger than Obama’s.

  • snark-lurker

    BREAKING NEWS: Drumph is about to arrive somewhere.

  • Ryan Denniston

    “Actually, seems like those numbers were padded by pro-Trump “bots,” AKA fake people who don’t even exist. What a loser!”

    So comforting to know that the White House, in league with the Russians, are the largest purveyor of fake news.

  • Michael Smith

    I actually did stream it on my phone, because that way I was able to sit outside and chainsmoke while watching it. However, I only watched a little of it because I kept thinking of better things to watch on my phone while chainsmoking.

  • Nounverb911
  • fawkedifiknow

    Alec Baldwin does a better impression of Trump than Trump does.

    • Indivisible Snark Tank

      That’s the only reason the numbers were even half-way respectable. Everyone watching just assumed it was the very long cold opening to an SNL special.

      • Crystalclear12

        Is it Saturday?

        • Lascauxcaveman

          A verrrrrry long cold opening!

  • msanthropesmr

    That’s because all the Trump supporters had to wash their hair that night.

  • Mavenmaven

    Trump will have the biggest, most big league ratings of all time, believe me, when he gives his resignation speech.

    • Run2Live

      Or, if his inevitable end comes with a long Bronco chase.

  • Vagenda and Pee-ara

    At least nobody is talking about the secret basement meeting where Republicans are going to finally set you free from the shackles of having slightly more affordable health care.

    Paul Ryan: “Every Republican ran on repealing the ACA, and we’re going to repeal it.” I hope that’s your, and the entire GOP’s, epitaph.

    • Nounverb911
      • The Wanderer

        Which means it’ll be on the news by tonight.

      • Resistance Fighter Astraea

        I have a copy. It says:

        115th Congress 1st Session
        H. J. Res. XX

        ¯_(ツ)_/¯

      • Crank Tango

        OOh yeah, Aquabudda to the rescue.

      • ariel_gee_398

        Paul Ryan will just tell him that any good objectivist would write his own damn Obamacare bill rather than expecting someone in government to do it for him.

      • Good_Gawd_Yall

        Oh, shut up and sit the entire fuck down, Sen. Grandstand.

      • wide_stance_hubby

        OMG, I am so wet now.

      • suziq

        Did he ever come back, or did he…disappear?

      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        Do the cool kids not want to sit with Rand Paul at the lunch table anymore?

      • artem1s

        is it in the basement, in a supply closet with a sign reading ‘beware the leopard’?

      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        Has anyone gotten the rose yet, and/or, been voted off the island?

  • Nounverb911
    • Zippy W Pinhead

      definity La La Land

  • WiscoJoe
  • Crystalclear12

    Ahhhhh, Russia.
    I picture Clinton sitting down and for first time in a long time, looking forward to reading a newspaper.

  • Chadwells

    You know this really chaps his ass.

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    Hey libtards, the ratings would be much higher if the Nielsons polled all the Russian spooks that watched

    • therblig

      and the illegal aliens

      • Indivisible Snark Tank

        Millions of illegal aliens turned on their TVs just to NOT watch, so his numbers would go down. Some were even bussed in from Massachusetts just to NOT watch in New Hampshire!

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Not to mention all the Cabinet members. Oh, wait, those groups overlap.

  • Cousin Itt de La Résistance

    What concerns me is that if there is a probe into Sessions, he will enjoy it. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/247264cd9038f99eac404b7d7c6e551c2e04702fc96ad0e448f3dffe873d908a.gif

    • Indivisible Snark Tank

      They’ll probe the Republicans for years, and only come to the conclusion that 25% of them enjoy it.

      (With apologies to Kids in the Hall, who stopped at 10%.)

    • Sardonicuss

      They should use one of those medical “wands” those southern politicians are so fond of. The spikey ones though…cuz he is a tough man.

      • The Wanderer

        Some of the ‘wands’ from Bad Dragon look . . . disturbing.

  • Ricky Gay

    Keep handy at all times: https://www.sadtrombone.com/

  • Sardonicuss

    I would have watched it. But I busted the crank on my “Picture Victrola”.

  • memzilla Ω
  • Jeffocaster in the desert

    His ratings were so tiny it makes his weenie look……..less tiny.

    • TJ Barke

      His tiny hands make his dick seem positively average.

      • wide_stance_hubby

        Melania rolls her eyes and makes jerk-off motion saying, ‘word’.

  • Bill D. Burger
  • Crystalclear12

    Well I didn’t watch because I was raised to believe it’s inappropriate to make fun of the mentally handicapped.

  • Chadwells

    Yeah….but his ratings look YUGE in his baby hands.

  • Ricky Gay

    and, in honor of Jan Brady: Russia Russia Russia!

  • memzilla Ω
  • Asterix

    It’s weird that he’s said nothing but THANK YOU. Did someone break his thumbs?

    • Carpe Vagenda

      Whatever adult had the smartphone that’s actually connected to the internet probably realized that congratulating himself on the standing O for the guy he got killed would send the wrong message.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      It wasn’t about the speech. Melania finally remembered to give him his Valentine’s candy.

  • Jamoche

    http://www.cc.com/episodes/yyim57/the-daily-show-with-trevor-noah-march-1–2017—jake-tapper-season-22-ep-22070

    Daily Show points out that the operative word in “acting presidential” is acting – Donnie mocked the idea of “presidential” in campaign rallies and, sure enough, his mock “presidential” manner back then is exactly what he did in front of Congress. And there’s a montage of MSM pundits saying “look how presidential he’s being, it’s a pivot” multiple times well before the election, exactly as they’re doing now.

    Grifters gotta grift.

    • TJ Barke

      It’s not a pivot, it’s fucking play acting. Ffs…

      • Jamoche

        It’s the abusive dad acting like a real dad in front of the cops, just long enough to get them to go away.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Bad cosplay.

  • DerrickWildcat

    It’s only been a month and a half and Trump already looks 5 years older.

  • Martini Ambassador

    Orange idiot weak, sad, unpopular.

    Meanwhile, in MY universe:
    https://twitter.com/IfHillaryHad/status/836997510501560320

  • Jamoche

    “Trump’s speech drew 47.74 million viewers from approximately 9 to 10:15 p.m. across 11 networks.”

    Can’t even get all the people who voted for him. Sad.

    • Sardonicuss

      They forgot to mention the 20 million who only watched because they had never seen anyone crap their pants on live T.V. before.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    Ratings For Trump Address To Congress Way Smaller Than Obama’s. We’re Sure He’ll Take It In Stride

    Also, Bill Clinton’s was longer.
    Much longer.

    • laughingnome

      And thicker.

      • Indivisible Snark Tank

        It definitely had more heft.

        • Lascauxcaveman

          Certainly more satisfying.
          – Hillary

          I agree.
          – Monica

          Shut up!
          – Hillary

  • Belasaurius

    LOLZ

  • Martini Ambassador
  • Asterix

    According to @PressSec, the Senate has confirmed @realDonaldTrump as the next sec of @HUDgov….

    LMAO!

  • tihond

    It’s genetic!

  • Amelia

    On the day, perhaps not too far into the future, that Drumpf announces his resignation/is impeached, I sincerely hope Hillary’s only response is a three-word tweet: “But my emails.”

    • Antonin Dvorak

      That would be glorious. Of course we’d have to shut down Twitter, because no better tweet could ever be written.

  • Crank Tango

    I wouldn’t go trying to, you know, measure up to Nobama if I were him.

  • OrG

    To be fair, it was up against a rerun of Mike & Molly.

  • Mpeg

    James Woods will tweet how much he rates his President’s speech soon as he remembers how to re-activate his account. Then he’ll remember how pissed he was at other tweeters and delete it again.

  • Nounverb911
    • UncleTravelingMatt

      Exactly.

  • schmannity

    Unfair. Does not include Russia 1, 4, K or Pravda TV!

  • Wild Cat

    And I thought the GOP KlownKar was supposed to end after the primaries . . . was I ever wrong.

  • WotsAllThisThen

    This is just partisan Democrats conspiring to bring down Trump’s ratings by not watching. People are being bussed in and paid to not watch TV.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      I know! George Soros slipped me a $50 just finish that last disc of season 2 of The Good Wife instead! I didn’t have the heart I to tell him that was my plan anyway.

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    The only reason his ratings weren’t higher is because illegal immigrants stole millions of peoples’ TVs.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      more Victims Of Immigrant Crime

  • The KGB Ate Our Votes

    The sad inadequacy you feel when there are more security personnel than spectators at your inaugural parade: http://www.progressivepostdaily.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/Screen-Shot-2017-01-20-at-10.25.20-PM-1024×650.png

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    In case people weren’t paying attention:

    RUSSIARUSSIARUSSIARUSSIARUSSIARUSSIARUSSIARUSSIARUSSIARUSSIA

    • Lance Thrustwell

      I feel like you’re trying to get at something, but I can’t quite put my finger on it.

  • schmannity

    Next time, let Schwartzenegger deliver it for you, Donnie

  • shaar dula

    i’m youngish. still not have watched it & dont intend to to any in distant future. i bet there are are atleast a couple more like me. we will not be counted in any auto counted millions.

  • Nounverb911
  • Villago Delenda Est

    Things must be hopping at the WH today. Hopping as in “all hell breaking loose”. Donald’s speech has been utterly forgotten, because Sessions is a perjurer, caught in a lie that any three year old but Donald would recognize as a lie.

    • Nounverb911

      Trump’s visiting the USS Gerry Ford today.
      https://twitter.com/MachinePix/status/828739022373543936

      • Crank Tango

        Excuse me, pardon me, pardon me, excuse me…

      • Good_Gawd_Yall

        Are they sure those are trucks? Looks like the careers of the entire Dolt 45 team to me.

      • Jamoche

        Aw, I never managed to skip rocks across a pond, and here they’re doing it with trucks.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Since it is the USS Gerald Ford, I’m sure the trucks will manage to trip up or something…

      • Doug Langley

        If they launched Ford Pintos, it could be a really good weapon.

  • laughingnome

    It’s okay Donnie, the impeachment ratings will be the highest in history.

    • Proud Liberal

      Shit. Congress won’t do anything. They couldn’t care less if the President is a traitor!

      • Wild Cat

        Your nation ended officially on 11/9/16, albeit it’s just been a mess welll before that.
        Just get some popcorn, chill out, and watch things blow up real good.

        • Proud Liberal

          Sigh. It appears so.

    • WotsAllThisThen

      They’re saving that for the season finale!

      • Gayer Than Thou

        It better not be a cliffhanger.

    • Hobbes’ Evil Twin

      ^^^^^^^THIS^^^^^^

    • YoBunnyBunny

      I’d watch that!!!!

  • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨
    • Jeffocaster in the desert

      Does this mean he has to resign as Preznit? YAY!!!!!

    • Crank Tango

      What a dipshit. He’s lucky not to tweet his pw I guess.

    • The KGB Ate Our Votes

      No wonder Trump looks so sleep deprived and crappy. He has to do everything.

    • laughingnome

      Well he used to run housing developments in Brooklyn with his daddy.

    • ariel_gee_398

      He’s really having trouble finding nominees to fill all these posts, isn’t he?

    • therblig

      carson replies, “i’m not the puppet. You’re the puppet. No, wait, I am the puppet!”

    • TJ Barke

      What a buffoon…

    • Serai 1
    • An Outhouse for the Resistance

      He doesn’t seem to operate well under stress. Get ready for his latest password top be tweeted out.

  • Zippy W Pinhead
    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      So, funds and training were available to teach the clowns how to do their jobs, and they were all, “Nah.” Well, there’s a surprise.

      • ariel_gee_398

        But it’s such a well-oiled machine, you really can’t tell.

    • Jamoche

      From the guy whose complaint about Congress trying to get rid of the Ethics Office wasn’t that they shouldn’t do it, but that they had other priorities.

  • Mpeg

    Vladdy rates it Four out of Five Czars

  • tihond

    Jeff Sessions tries the Urkel defense “Did I do that?”

    • beingreleased

      I prefer the George Constanta defense:
      https://twitter.com/beingreleased/status/831915916313161728

      • Serai 1

        My favorite has always been Steve Martin’s defense: “Your Honor, I FORGOT armed robbery was illegal!”

      • artem1s

        I think Flynn already went there

    • NationalGalleryofClipArt

      Speaking of No Limit Records…

  • Nockular cavity

    Trump supporters, on average, are 396 million years old

    Devonian Period libel!!!

    • Lizzietish81

      I regret that I have but one upvote to give this.

      They’re the ones who didn’t climb out of the sea.

      • TJ Barke

        Marine life libel?

    • therblig

      take a trilobite out of crime!

      • Cousin Itt de La Résistance

        For crinoid’s sake!

    • shivaskeeper

      For sure it’s libelz. The first sharks and the armored fishes

      • Lizzietish81

        First amphibians.

        • Skeptical_thinker

          Second Corinthians?

    • Logic of Color

      Clearly OP was joking ’cause earth isn’t even that old.

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      When a problem comes along
      You must whip it

    • Michael R

      You’re into the DeVos period.

  • AJ Milne

    Trump’s whole schtick, from the very beginning, has been based on hyperbole, being ‘shocking’. Even when it’s bad publicity, it keeps him in the spotlight, which he craves, and frequently, it helps crowd out what he _doesn’t_ want covered. He’s operated this way for years. As long as they’re talking about him, even if 90 percent of them are plain disgusted, he’s good with it. And if he can be shocking, he can avoid saying anything of real substance, while the dust settles. Which is fine with him; _avoiding_ substantive discussion is about his only skill relative to it.

    … but like any entertainer or artist who’s traded in it can tell you: that ‘I’ll say stuff others won’t’ is a game always eventually gets old. People get saturated, bored. It’s like, oh, this guy again; har har whatever, he says whichever expletive you didn’t used to hear on the air. It’s like listening to sixteen versions of that ‘the aristocrats’ routine… from the same comedian. Which no one does.

    I predict from here steadily sagging reviews, a move to a midweek parking slot, and cancellation. Whether this is before or after impeachment remains to be seen.

    • Jeffocaster in the desert
      • Jeffocaster in the desert

        Departing from reality in a negative and positive way at the same time…

      • Lance Thrustwell

        I am going to chuckle knowingly and hope people think I understand that.

        • wide_stance_hubby

          I will join you and slap you on the back for extra credit.

      • UncleTravelingMatt

        Burn the witch!

      • sgt. jmk of the résistance

        I was told there would be no math.

        • Doug Langley

          Well, that’s what you get with circular thinking.

    • Mr. Blobfish

      He’s the Sam Kinison of presidents.

      • magyar of infinite power

        I was thinking more along the lines of Andrew Dice Clay

        • artem1s

          or John Rocker. who knew that being a racists doesn’t do much for your ERA!

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      He’s very like that one kid in class who would say anything, take any dare, etc, etc. You know, the one who dropped out in 11th grade because he got his girlfriend pregnant and had to quit school and get a job.

  • Nounverb911
    • ariel_gee_398

      Or just getting their stories straight.

    • TJ Barke

      Will it give us an excuse to put them up against the wall?

    • Crank Tango

      Hmmm, who goes under the bus for this one?

      • artem1s

        depends, do they send KAC or Spicer out to declare Sessions has the full support and confidence of the WH?

    • sgt. jmk of the résistance

      They don’t need to plot a coup. They’re already the real presidents.

    • Michael R
      • SweetDeeKat

        I giggled, then threw up in my mouth.

      • wide_stance_hubby

        Same thing, but they smell their fingers after.

      • The Wanderer

        “You’re my huggy, Reince.”
        “Not in public, Steve.”
        “Bitch.”

      • Lance Thrustwell

        That is the funniest, and creepiest, thing… ever.

    • Serai 1

      What, another one?

  • Michael R
  • Sardonicuss

    “It’s not like we haven’t been through something like this before: A dubious presidency, shot through with actual corruption corruptly concealed, begins to unravel because, sooner or later, the old republic begins to kick back, hard, with whatever happens to be handy.” – Charlie Pierce
    …..has some hope!
    http://www.esquire.com/news-politics/politics/news/a53546/trump-white-house-corruption/

    • snark-lurker

      i been on too many trails of hope that lead to nowhere

      • MynameisBlarney

        That’s why ya leave breadcrumbs behind ya…or something…

        • sgt. jmk of the résistance

          Pebbles. Not breadcrumbs. Pebbles. They’re more durable.

          • MynameisBlarney

            True, but they taste horrible and they’re hard on the teeth.

          • Jamoche

            And the birds don’t eat them.

          • Erala Contratista

            Not even SquirrrrlZ.

      • Sardonicuss

        I was thinking this morning about the things we had with Nixon that we don’t have now.
        A couple of honorable republicans, a press that wasn’t a ratings whore / click bait profit center…
        …but there are some things we have they didn’t. Instant leakage via the intertoobs, a very angry middle class base.
        Could go either way.

        • Lizzietish81

          Back when W was still president, my friend’s daughter asked us what Nixon did that was so terrible. She wasn’t impressed.

          • Sardonicuss

            It was really hard to convince people that Nixon’s’ biggest crimes weren’t the constant lieing and rat fucking..but using the power of the office and the FBI to go after his political “enemies”. Because that is dictatorship..It cant be allowed to happen again.

          • Good_Gawd_Yall

            I was too young to understand it at the time, and it took a long time to realize what the big deal actually was. I hope this situation is clear enough that even the people who didn’t care about Russia hacking and interfering understand that allowing a hostile foreign government to change the outcome of our election makes us no longer a sovereign country, but a satellite of Russia.

          • Sandy Beaches

            You’ll never get a Trump voter to admit that the outcome would have been any different if Russia had not meddled.

        • snark-lurker

          we now also have moar DsINO in congress, way moar

          • artem1s

            not convinced of that. we still had plenty of Dixiecraps stinking up the place and more military industrial complex Dems with big military bases in their districts.

          • snark-lurker

            no argument here

      • Shanzgood

        I’m with you on that one.

    • An Outhouse for the Resistance

      The old republic wasn’t so effective during Iran

  • MynameisBlarney

    NYT appears to confirm collusion between turmps minions and the roohsans.

    http://www.democraticunderground.com/10028734008

    • The Wanderer

      BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

    • TJ Barke

      Fake news!

      • MynameisBlarney

        It’s a librul conspiracy!

        • TJ Barke

          Like the rest of reality.

    • Crank Tango

      Failing™ NYT!!!

    • Chyron HR

      It’s too bad they originally “debunked” it a week before the election. Oops!

      • MynameisBlarney

        They’re reporting it now though.
        Better late than never.

      • Doug Langley

        But it was just SO much more important to report emails that had nothing to do with Hillary.

  • OrG

    I wonder what the ratings will be like for the impeachment hearings?

    • MynameisBlarney

      Yuuuuuuuuuge!

      • OrG

        I’ll be watching,believe me.

        • MynameisBlarney

          You, me, and everyone else on the planet with access to a tv.

          • Erala Contratista

            I’ll even turn our TV on! Have to wear headphones, tho. Unless the Contratisto wants to join in. Prolly invite the neighbors over, food, drink.
            I’ll even get a pinata so people can take whacks at it to relieve the tension!!!

          • MynameisBlarney

            That sounds like fun! Can I come over? I’ll bring some cold ones.

    • wide_stance_hubby

      Tremendously bigly and classy. The best. Believe me.

    • puredog

      There is not enough popcorn anywhere ever.

      • Gayer Than Thou

        *moves IRA into popcorn futures*

    • sgt. jmk of the résistance

      They’ll be terrific….yuuuuuuuuuge… you’ll see something… very special.

    • Antonin Dvorak

      CSPAN will be the first channel to air in all 192 countries.

    • artem1s

      I’m thinking there will be at least 66M peeps glued to the screen for The Greatest Show on Earth!

    • LucindathePook

      Oh, god, I’ve missed the Watergate show so much since they cancelled it. And this new show should be even better.

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    Y’all, I am having such a good time reading these stories today. Is anybody else feelng . . . a little giddy?

  • Jeffocaster in the desert

    OT: Way to keep international relations going…….keeping out terrorist soccer team……

    http://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-39137290

    • MynameisBlarney

      Oh FFS!

    • Proud Liberal

      Jesus fucking Christ! Trump is disaster for this country!

    • Jamoche

      People Trumpists don’t want in the country:

      Tibetan women’s soccer team.
      Muhammed Ali Jr and his mom.
      WWII history expert.
      Nigerian software engineer.
      Aussie children’s author.

      • Mavenmaven

        WWII Holocaust history expert!!!

        • LucindathePook

          Jewish Egyptian Holocaust history expert.

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      “Well, they’re brown, so probably terrorists, right? Can’t be too careful. Plus they worship some weird animal cult, some llama called Dolly or whatever.” – Dolt 45 supporters and staff

    • An Outhouse for the Resistance

      Only American football allowed in Murica.

  • Nounverb911

    OT
    Someone should take huckleberry’s phone away too, also.
    https://twitter.com/GovMikeHuckabee/status/837336206497153024

    • The Wanderer

      Ha. That’s one o’ them thar funny riddle-jokes, ain’t it?

    • Umm…top of the ticket lectured at Harvard on governance there Mikey

    • Crank Tango

      Transylvania? Is that where teh jooz come from?

    • shivaskeeper

      You would think that a Christian like him would not engage in childish name calling and petty word games like this.

      • OrG

        No,I would not think that.

        • shivaskeeper

          Was I too subtle with the snark? You can tell me if I was too subtle.

          • OrG

            Strange days.My snark detector has been blunted.

          • shivaskeeper

            Understood.

    • TJ Barke
    • Listen Huckabee, you piece of human garbage, if I want your thoughts, I’ll fish them out of my toilet after a particularly awful hangover shit.

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      How very Xtianist of you, FORMER Gov. Huckabee. Why don’t you fuck off now?

    • RobKanC

      I am confused. Aren’t the repubs supposed to be all white power.

      • Antonin Dvorak

        This is Jew + Woman, so not WP enough.

    • Serai 1

      He should know, having sucked plenty of blood himself.

    • ariel_gee_398

      Is there a special circle of Hell for craven, mean-spirited politicians, where every day you’re eaten by the dog your son killed?

      • Serai 1

        Oo, ouch. That’s good.

      • Shanzgood

        Omg are those people who let the dogs die of heat stroke and dehydration?!

        • magyar of infinite power

          That was Romney. One of the Huck-Spawn hung a dog from a lamp post.

    • Sardonicuss

      The fact that the evil surrogates are being sent out to attack Franken is – a pretty good sign they are feeling the heat!

    • MizzMazz

      And he used comic sans. Evil scumbag.

    • Michael R

      Is Transylvania Frankenstein or Dracula ?

      https://s11.postimg.org/57r2yttwz/vampire_kitten.jpg

    • Sandy Beaches

      He is a idiot and a shitty Christian

    • Ms.MLG on Maui

      Please stop trying to be funny, Mikey! You are not funny!

    • mailman27

      Jeff Spicoli put it best:”You DICK!!!

  • YetAnotherRebecca

    The way he used that poor widow as a political prop absolutely made my stomach turn. I’ve been where she is, although to a much lesser degree – my husband’s sudden death was in a car accident and my grief wasn’t put on a huge public stage like her’s. And it STILL took me probably about 3 months to even start to feel like a person again. During that time period I was given the opportunity to accept his teaching degree on his behalf at the graduation ceremony and turned it down without a second thought. The idea of putting myself on display like that while still in the throes of fresh devastation frankly just filled me with dread.

    I do hope she felt differently than I did back then. I hope she felt honored and closer to her husband in that moment and not just like she had been made a spectacle. But to everyone who said it was a “presidential” thing for that asshole to do? Fuck off forever. Seriously. That was naked exploitation of the worst moment of that family’s life and as a fellow young widow it frankly made me sick to see.

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      I’m so sorry.

    • Skeptical_thinker

      As a widower, I concur.

      There is nothing to say to someone whose spouse has died other than: I am so sorry.

    • Serai 1

      But it’s soooo disgusting to make a campaign ad with kids in it because XPLOYTASHUNS OMG!!! Jesus fucking Christ, these wingnuts. I wanna slap them all off a cliff.

    • Shanzgood

      Trump’s behavior seems to refresh awful memories in lots of us.

      I’m really sorry.

    • boyblue122

      Yeah, that was gross. Using a grieving widow to get a round of applause for himself

      I’m Sorry :(

      • Jamoche

        And then immediately bragging about how much applause he got.

        • Crank Tango

          Chumps gon’ Chump!

        • LucindathePook

          Especially when HE killed the man.

    • Jamoche
      • Crank Tango

        Is that the same Katy Tur Chump always likes to bully? Or are there two…

        • Jamoche

          Yes it is. She followed up with more reasonable stuff after people jumped on her.

      • YetAnotherRebecca

        Wow, yeah – that tweet sums it up pretty well, thanks for sharing it. People who have been there and get it vs. people who still think this is all one big media game. It’s not a game. People are fucking *dying* because of this jerk and the fact that he can’t be bothered to put more than 30 seconds of thought into any goddamn decision. Saying a few nice words about someone you needlessly sent to their death doesn’t make any of it any better…

    • Erala Contratista

      Thanks you so much for this. I’m still gagging on that. What flaming gall. I hope he gets his own circle in the Inferno.

      • Mike Steele

        Not to worry. While Seal is ‘looking down’ on Cheeto’s record-breaking ovation, our so-called prez will ultimately find himself looking UP for all eternity, so help me Dog.

  • DainBramage

    With the amount of time Trump minions spend talking to Russians, it’s like they’re checking in with their handlers.

    • Yes ,it is “like” that.

    • tihond

      The Amerikans!

      • DainBramage

        Love that show!

        • puredog

          A nice photo of Sessions meeting with Frank Langella would be apropos.

  • An Outhouse for the Resistance

    Trump supporters were all working B-shift like real Murkins. Not like the coastal 9am-3pm coastal elites and lazy takers.

  • boyblue122

    Fake news. Drumpf’s ratings were definitely not smaller. They were bigger. The biggest, the hugest. They were enormous. All the ladies love Donnie’s ratings. Dont make him whip out his….wait what were we talking about again

    • Sandy Beaches

      ew

  • laughingnome

    I did not have Ural sex with that country, Mother Russia.

    • magyar of infinite power

      I’d believe that. Trump’s never given a woman that much pleasure in his life.

      • laughingnome

        Trump has sex, it’s just that the women don’t realize it.

        • magyar of infinite power

          But they know it’s over when they are handed cash.

      • Pisto75666

        Not without money being involved.

      • LucindathePook

        or any

  • notanncoulter

    there were 7 million illegals bussed in from mexico to add to obama’s ratings [note that it has to be more than the actual difference to make cheeto the clown’s numbers yuger].

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    I wonder what the numbers are for people who turned the sound off halfway through?

  • akryan

    thank god we avoided those emails though.

    • shaar dula

      OMG! those emails with their risotto recipes can you believe it? good thing they found out about them when they did.

      • Pisto75666

        And all those TV show spoilers. Whew! crisis averted!

      • Erala Contratista

        mmmmm risotto…..

        • shaar dula

          finally somebody that gets me. lets hold hand & focus on the emails.

    • CatCafe #ShePurrsisted

      Shrill!

  • La Cieca

    “At least somewhat approved” means “he hasn’t mentioned reinstating the draft in preparation for war with Mexico yet.”

    • azeyote

      i was part of the take over of the Ohio State rotc building and the burning of draft cards back in 1970 – those days are the reason they won’t reinstate the draft – you can only perpetuate this endless war thing with a voluntary paid military – mercenaries – those protests in the old days would be nothing compared with trying to make everyone in this young generation go kill a bunch of brown people somewhere for the rich people who benefit

      • CatCafe #ShePurrsisted

        Don’t forget, ruining the economy so the poor have no way of supporting themselves unless they join the “voluntary” military.

      • Yr. Gma

        Thank you for your service, my fellow ancient hippie comrade.

  • Jenny

    It’s cool guys, we all meet ambassadors! – Paul Ryan.

    This is probably going to take more than an election. These fuckers are all compromised.

  • MynameisBlarney
  • magyar of infinite power

    Chris Cilliza has gone full hipster. No one in their 40’s should be wearing neon blue glasses.

    • timpundit

      No one under 60 should be wearing a watch on a chain.

      • MynameisBlarney

        And anyone under 70 wearing an onion on their belt will be severely beaten.

        • timpundit

          Even if the fashion of the time dictates.

      • DahBoner

        100.

    • Carpe Vagenda

      It’s got to be hard on Maynard G Cillizza that he has to compete with younger douches. He’s spent years developing his worthlessness. That ought to be worth something.

  • Crank Tango

    In that pic up top, it looks like Pence is squeezing off an SBD and Ryan can already smell it.

  • artem1s

    I can attest to the tweeter fest by bots. It was a cesspool for hours during and after. Was so relieved the next morning when the real world started WTFing at Van Jones and reclaimed the field.

  • Nasty Candy Apple

    Can confirm — I was instead watching telenovelas on Telemundo that night as a giant chinga tu madre a Trump. I always watched Mr. Bamz and his addresses, but I prefer fake blonds with running mascara who burn down their lover’s house and wreck his marriage over you, ¡you pendejo!

    • Jack Tenhet

      Can confirm as well. The wife and I were watching “Face-off” on Syfy and an episode of Bates Motel I had DVR’d the night before. Neither of us watched his rally. I read the full transcript yesterday and that was more than I could stomach.

    • TakingAmes

      I was watching the DVR’d Oscars red carpet. My friends do a FB chat thingy for Preznitial speeches, so they were snarking about the speech whilst I was snarking in the same thread about what celebrities were wearing. I feel both were equally enlightening. One was more entertaining.

    • Erala Contratista

      I shaved my legs! At last! It was Terrific! Then I got the results of the Elks Lodge election! Huuuuuge!!!
      Then I got a beverage, a snack and some Kinky Friedman. AMAZing!

    • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

      Telenovelas have been my go to for the past year. I prefer sneering villains who know how to chew the scenery and who’ll die a horrible death after dissing La Virgen de Guadelupe.

      • Yr. Gma

        That is a good idea. I should start watching them. It would help with improving my Spanish.

        • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

          I try to watch with the Spanish subtitles on to help my Spanish if I’m alone. My husband prefers the English subtitles because he’s only picked up a few words from my watching, like “No puede ser!” I used to translate what’s happening for him except I’d get caught up in the plot and forget to tell him what’s going on.

  • snark-lurker

    brace yourselves, fellow peeps, gonna take a YOOGE distraction to change the subject this time. wut will it be?

    • magyar of infinite power

      N. Korea

      • snark-lurker

        so your the first in the woffice pool

        • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

          The WTFfice pool?

          • snark-lurker

            thatz teh 1

      • JustDon’tSayDieInJail

        DPRK and Iran. Axis of evil remix.

    • boyblue122

      the 2nd draft of the muslim ban?

    • sgt. jmk of the résistance

      He’s going to fight Taylor Swift.

      • snark-lurker

        that would deffinatelydistract me!

    • CatCafe #ShePurrsisted

      Reichstag Fire.

  • MynameisBlarney
    • Vagenda and Pee-ara

      Is that the official Trump White House menu?

      • DahBoner

        Nyet yet.

    • proudgrampa

      That might help with hemorrhoids…

    • laughingnome

      Now with extra Santorum.

    • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

      Jeff Sessions claims that he didn’t talk to any Russians … because it’s rude to talk with your mouth full of ice cream.

  • shaar dula

    the ratings are are smaller than the fingers. which are longer than pee pees. there i said it. somebody had to.

  • proudgrampa

    Can we haz runner-up for president, now? Pleez?

  • YoBunnyBunny

    There was no way in hell I was going to watch Dampnut do his bestest impersonation of a sentient human person. And since I haven’t gone to the gym this week, I was spared the indignity of having to lip-read the wall-to-wall nonsense on the flat screens.

  • snark-lurker

    humm…msnbc is having a lot of technical problems with “Russia” and “Puttin” stuff

  • WeaselPoo

    #FailingNielsen is including the 3 million illegal immigrants who were paid to watch Obama illegally, Fake! Sad!

    • YoBunnyBunny

      SOROS paid them!!!!!111!1!!!

      • jenny_whyme

        Drink!

        And here I thought it was Obama running his shadow government.

        • Nasty Candy Apple

          No, that’s Saul Alinsky, from beyond the grave.

    • CatCafe #ShePurrsisted

      If you don’t count the people who didn’t watch, I had the HIGHEST viewership of ANY SHOW EVER

  • Redneck Redemption

    I didn’t realize it was a pissin’ contest. Who gives a shit anyway?

    • jenny_whyme

      45 does. He’s running the Presidential Reality Show. He’s all about the ratings.

      • Nasty Candy Apple

        Did you hear how Arnold is low energy and SAD? Not big league! Not classy!

        • CatCafe #ShePurrsisted

          I HAD THE BIGGEST CROWD FOR MY INAUGURATION EVER!

    • Nasty Candy Apple

      Redneck Redemption

      You’re going to have to try a lot harder than that…

    • jesuswasablack
    • Jonny On Maui

      The crazy one in the WH…

    • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

      “Ve didn’t realize it vas a pissine contest, meester Troomp!”

      –Yulia und Ekaterina

  • gamera23

    So score about 4M per outlet for Trump and 13M for Obama.

    And Obama’s taxes are so Awesome!

  • jesuswasablack

    You know what else is way smaller than Obama’s?
    http://media.salon.com/2016/05/Trump-micropenis-.jpeg

    • Nasty Candy Apple

      Oh, you know that has to be true.

    • Raan

      Thank you for encouraging that McGangbang to leave the way it came.

    • JustDon’tSayDieInJail
    • Peggy Ryan

      Teeny weinie peeny. No wonder Melanoma gets such a yooooge allowance.

    • Ω cynmac will never surrender

      Nooooooooooooooooooooo!

    • His term, hopefully? (Call it a huntch, but I bet somewhere in the middle before its completion of it Trump will get tired, roll over and light a self-satisfied cigerette)

    • Mike Steele

      Fingers are too long and slender

  • Daniel Hooper

    Well, for the 40% of Democrats who, “somewhat approved” of the speech; they may have expected Trump was officially going to declare himself, “The Hooge-set God King Emperor Bestest President Ever”. Since he didn’t do that, by that standard it technically would be an improvement over what they expected.

    • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

      Pretty sure the 40% approved of only 20% of the speech, the 20% of the speech that described America as only 50% fucked up, not 100% fucked up…so of the 40%, they disapproved of 80% of the speech, which means that the 60% who disapproved of the speech, disapproved of 80% of it….which proves that the Russian Puppet is bigly loved by the mothers of fallen heros, by applause.

    • Ω cynmac will never surrender

      MCP had a really good prediction, that didn’t come true, that Trump would quit having completed another bucket list item? For what, you may ask? Well to become Lord of the Dance, of course. It made me laugh so hard.

  • Gayer Than Thou

    I will not stand for criticism of my boo Van Jones!

    • TakingAmes

      But will you sit for it?

  • TakingAmes

    It really must be frustrating to keep coming up short against Barry. But the nation now knows, once you go black…

    • Raan

      …you want back the guy who can form a coherent sentence without insulting someone?

    • Redneck Redemption

      …no decent white man will have ya.

      • doktorzoom

        Not familiar with the username, comment history set to private, but can’t tell whether you’re a real troll of Poe’s Law in action. Oh, and username is the same as a band, so searching is no use eitther. Gonna ban to be on the safe side.

        — Dok Zoom, Yr Friendly Neighborhood Comments Moderator

  • shaar dula

    hahaha. in a country of > 300 mil, < 48 mil. half of whom prolly logged in out of obligatory courtesy. still better than he crowd at his inauguration. but at < 16% it must be an insult to any stage performer.

  • PixieThis

    For the record, Van Jones can SUCK IT. Thank you, that is all.

    • sgt. jmk of the résistance

      My name is sgt. jmk and I approve this message.

  • DahBoner
  • Hairstrike Alpha

    Bar…can I git innernet on this flip phone?!? Donalds on, woman git me mah hat!

    – Trump supporters

  • Oblios_Cap

    Sad!

  • mardam422

    Why is everything Donald Trump does so small, Mommy?

    • theCryptofishist

      The parasitic ego has sucked all the nutrients from the rest of the body, leaving it stunted and slow.

  • whitroth

    I was not going to watch it, I didn’t want to worship the porcelain throne. Reading about it, yesterday, that he actually stayed on script, after careful consideration, I wonder what anti psychotic meds they had him on, and if he knew he’d been drugged….

    And, of course, as one or two stories I read this morning put it, his “victory lap” didn’t last 24 hours.

    • m3bosha

      I did some hate watching while doing crossword puzzles. So let me sum up. It was clear someone else wrote the speech. Most sentences were single-phase sentences and quite short. There is no way that someone didn’t dose his Dr Pepper with Xanax, maybe Valium. It was so painfully stupid, I can’t believe anyone on the left bought it, thus only cementing the fact major media is more concerned with viewers/clicks and not pointing out the truth that Trump was and is a dumpster fire.

      • Ω cynmac will never surrender

        Diet Coke and Ativan the night before. And trainwreck that caused a dumpster fire.

      • theCryptofishist

        So, do you think he was more of an across word or more of a down word?

  • Truly Madly Derply

    “We’re sure he’ll take it in stride slightly hunched over, head-hung shamble.”

    • Old Man Yells at Cloud

      We need to make sure he is reminded of it. First person to get a Trump Three AM Toilet Twitter Tirade in response wins.

  • Cliff Hendroval

    Someone on another forum pointed out that there are also about 20 million more Americans today than in 2009, so there are that many more people not paying attention to him.

    • efoveks

      Nice visual pun for your avatar! ;D 10/10!!

  • Zyxomma

    Didn’t watch. Skimmed the Wonkette live stream. Having my blood pressure checked tomorrow, and want to keep it in normal range.

  • Run2Live

    I hope my occasional switching channels to the speech only to find out “shit, he’s still talking” didn’t help his ratings.

  • theCryptofishist

    It’s like each Trump appointee opens up and there’s a little Russian inside.

    I wish there were some colorful way to tie this to something very Russian like winter or some wacky wrong alphabet…

    • JCfromNC

      Maybe you’re thinking of these?

      • theCryptofishist

        I was exactly thinking of matrushcas, but I was making a joke by pretending that I didn’t know the culturally appropriate thing.

        • JCfromNC

          Well, you know they say liberals have no sense of humor. Guess I’m proving that. 😂

          • theCryptofishist

            Nice tongue-in-cheek reply.

  • Oh darn that Sessions/Russia stuff putting a little saltpeter in the ol’ ratings

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