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The Sexism is dead! Long live The Sexism!

Most Wonkers get by on government cheese and Soros protest checks, but there may be some Real Americans among you who are employed by Your Friend Corporate America (YFCA). And you Real Americans have probably signed a contract promising to nevernotever sue your benevolent employer overlords. If you get the mistaken idea that you might want to sue, well help yourself to all the binding, confidential arbitration you can handle.

YFCA will tell you that it’s better this way, that you will save the cost of litigation, that it’s best to solve things collaboratively. They’ll swear that mean trial lawyers just want to use you, and you’ll get nothing out of litigating.

YFCA is a fucking liar!

So before we dive into this week’s Washington Post story about pervasive sexual harassment at your mall’s jewelry stores, let’s remember that this decade-long shit show could have been avoided if women had not been shunted into arbitration and told to shut up or else.

Every Kiss Begins With Kay, If You Want to Keep Your Job

In 2008, 12 women filed an arbitration claim against their employer Sterling Jewelers for sex discrimination. Sterling owns Kay Jewelers and Jared’s Galleria of Jewelry, and is itself a subsidiary of Signet Jewelers, which also owns Zales. In 2015, the arbitrator found enough evidence of persistent sex discrimination at Sterling to allow the suit to proceed as a class action, potentially including over 69,000 current and former female employees.

The plaintiffs are specifically seeking to recover back pay for employees underpaid or not promoted because of their gender. Their testimony paints a vivid picture of 1500 stores run like Mad Men’s Sterling Cooper, where women were routinely pressured to sleep with their managers to gain promotions. Because arbitration is confidential, lawyers for the women only succeeded in releasing this testimony to the public on Sunday. The story was widely reported Monday, and on Tuesday Signet’s stock price dropped so dramatically that trading was briefly halted.

What got shareholders in such a panic?

Routine sexual “preying” at company events “was done out in the open and appeared to be encouraged, or at least condoned, by the company,” Melissa Corey, a manager of Sterling stores in Massachusetts and Florida between 2002 and 2008, said in her declaration.

Ellen Contaldi, a Sterling manager in Massachusetts between 1994 and 2008, said in her declaration that male executives “prowled around the (resort) like dogs that were let out of their cage and there was no one to protect the female managers from them.”

Makes a girl want to run right out to the mall and buy some jewelry, amirite? Oh, wait … we’re supposed to shave our legs and make sammiches to earn our bling.

www.marketwatch.com

Former employee Heather Ballou testified that she was coerced into sleeping with her manager in 2005 to advance her career. She also described mandatory management seminars in Orlando where women were pressured to have sex with their bosses.

It was common practice, former employees said, for executives and high-level managers to ply subordinates with alcohol. One night, Ballou told The Post, she saw a top executive watching as female managers in varying stages of undress splashed in a hotel pool. “He had a drink in one hand and a cigar in the other, just taking it all in, like, ‘I am the king and this is my harem,’ ” she told The Post.

While Ballou doesn’t name the “top executive,” other testimony makes clear that he is Mark Light, the current CEO of Signet.

Mark Light, Without Cigar and Harem

Light, whose compensation totaled $7.4 million last year, has been accused of having sex with female employees and promoting women based on their willingness to sleep with him. He’s made no public comment, and may or may not be planning to spend more time with his family in the near future.

Bang Up Job on the PR, Signet!

In a response to WaPo’s article, Signet seemed to downplay the sexual harassment, only to draw attention to the underlying wage and hiring discrimination.

In a statement provided during the halt of trading, Signet said none of the 69,000 members of the case have brought legal claims forward of sexual harassment or impropriety. The arbitration case solely focuses on whether those women have suffered discrimination in pay and promotions, it said.

Cool PR strategy, bro. But isn’t it really both the harassment AND the wage discrimination? Signet has warned its shareholders that the company will take a substantial financial hit if the arbitrator awards back pay to thousands of women. And it’s a safe bet that their store traffic will decline on today’s news. Wouldn’t you rather he went to the pantry and made you a necklace of macaroni than to Jared right now?

As the saying goes, when you find yourself in a hole, KEEP DIGGING! Right? In his comments to the Post, Sterling spokesman David Bouffard insisted that Signet is actually a champion of working women.

The company “has created strong career opportunities for many thousands of women working at our stores nationwide” and takes allegations of pay and promotion discrimination seriously, with “multiple processes in place to receive and investigate allegations of misconduct.

AREN’T YOU LADIES GRATEFUL FOR THE OPPORTUNITY TO SELL JEWELRY AT THE MALL? YOU GOT TO BE IN MANAGEMENT, SO WHY COMPLAIN IF YOU HAD TO SLEEP WITH THE DISTRICT MANAGER TO GET THERE?

This seems an odd posture to take when the press is poring over accounts of reprisals faced by women who called Sterling’s internal employee hotline.

Kristin Henry was 22 when an older, male employee cornered her and tried to kiss her at one of the infamous Orlando Harass-a-thons.

A few days later, she called an internal hotline to report the encounter, believing her identity would be protected. But within days of her report, a regional boss visited her store for two days, interviewed her co-workers and reviewed surveillance video before accusing her of stealing a gold necklace and $100 in cash. She told The Post she showed the boss evidence that she had not stolen anything, but Sterling fired her, a few days before she was set to receive an annual commission payment worth roughly $30,000, she alleged.

Julia Highfill called the hotline to report her boss for arriving to work late and smelling of alcohol. Shortly after, he warned her, “Anything you say, I’m going to know.”

Arbitration: The One Weird Trick to Make Your HR Problems Disappear Like Magic

Sterling downplays claims of harassment by pointing out that some of them are more than a decade old. It takes some serious CHUTZPAH to make this argument. (Look it up, Michele.) The entire purpose of mandatory arbitration is to allow the company to exhaust employees by dragging disputes out forever while depriving them of their most powerful tool, PUBLICITY. A handful of harassment and wage discrimination lawsuits in 2006 would have forced Signet to deal with their Pussy Grabber work culture long ago. Instead they got to go on underpaying and harassing female employees, while watching their stock price soar. Mandatory arbitration is the reason Hamburger Pants Roger Ailes got away with harassing women for decades while pretending Fox was “Fair and Balanced.”

FUN FACT: Fox has paid out so much money to settle harassment suits that the Justice Department is investigating it for hiding relevant losses from shareholders.

So, Ladies, whether you buy your own trinkets or earn them as God intended, PAY ATTENTION TO HOW THE COMPANY SELLING THEM TREATS ITS LADY EMPLOYEES.

[Washington Post and Washington Post again / Business Insider / Cohen Milstein Sellers & Toll PLLC]

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  • Zippy W Pinhead

    Is that bad?

    Not for the bosses…

    • (Major_Major_Major)ly_Pissed

      And the rest of the pissants don’t count for fuckall

  • Nounverb911

    Jared Kushner slept with donnie?

  • Anna Rompage

    People keep talking about these Soros checks, but all I’ve received so far from the many protests I’ve participated in, is a cheap plastic rain poncho, and a cold, soggy veggie burger….

    • Snopes Shop

      Does Soros also pay mileage? If so, I’m rich.

      • Old Man Yells at Cloud

        You have to submit form 348-B for milage reimbursement.

    • Unnamed_and_MaybeFake

      The real payoff comes when you register to vote in at least 12 other states.

  • Snopes Shop

    My head’s still spinning that those mall stores who seem to be in vicious competition with each other every christmas, mother’s day, valentine’s day and arbor day are owned by the same dude.

    • Old Man Yells at Cloud

      My head is spinning from the the thought that people would spend money on the feculent stamped out corporate mall jewelry they saw advertised on TV instead of unique pieces from a local artisan. But then McDonalds is popular too.

  • Unnamed_and_MaybeFake

    Fake News planted by Melania LLC jeweler to the stars.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Shit like this makes me slappy, shouty, stabby, and other things. As for Mark Light, well, let’s just say the Commenting Rules for Radicals prevent my further comment on this asshole.

  • Nounverb911

    “Most Wonkers get by on government cheese”
    That program was cancelled after the government realized that donnie needs the cheese for his daily Cheetos bath….

    • Unnamed_and_MaybeFake

      After a few hours of drying out, those Cheetos could be in a food bank near you.

    • Old Man Yells at Cloud

      That gave me the mental image of Lil’Donnie soaking in a gold bathtub of molten cheese like some kind of popular-vote-loser fondue. Now the thought of cheese brings up the taste of bile.

  • Anna Rompage

    So let me get this straight, not only is their a fucked up expectation that you have to sleep with a man who gives you jewelry (or buys you an expensive dinner), but now you have to sleep with the man who allows you to sell jewelry too…

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Whore diamonds gotta pimp.

      • Oblios_Cap

        I’m sensing a connection between diamonds and reluctant sex.

        • Lance Thrustwell

          It’s one of the facets of the problem.

  • memzilla Ω

    BREAKING: Sterling Announces New Trump Branded Jewelry Collection

    • Nounverb911

      The “Tiffany” collection?

      • UncleTravelingMatt

        No, they keep those in the back, behind the cleaning supplies so nobody sees them.

  • Nounverb911
    • shivaskeeper

      Was there some doubt about him getting confirmed?

    • I’ll bet you a nickel that the enviromental copper’s go after him.

      • Nockular cavity

        They might assume that he’ll do no harm, but that would be sodium.

        • Oblios_Cap

          Barium up to his neck in Death Valley!

    • msanthropesmr

      He mixed it up with the coppers and got brassed.

    • PubOption

      A galvanizing appointment?

      • Just the facts, ma’am

        C wydt, with a little copper he’d be top brass

        Cheers

  • shivaskeeper

    Let’s go with, “We’re not actually boning all the wimminz, we’re metaphorically boning them on pay and promotions.” Who the fuck would send a statement like that out and think it was a good idea?

  • Lizzietish81

    Ugh, I remember when I was doing outdoor work the constant screeching of JAAARED leading up to Valentine’s Day from the radio. One in particular (it may not have been Jared’s specifically but whatever they’re all horrible) had two women talking juxtaposed with two men talking about how he got her a blood diamond and hid it in the microwave. Kind of like Summer Days from Grease, but without the sexual undertones. Anyways, the woman who got the overpriced slave labor rock made sure to mention it was a box from Jared’s and the other woman is like “Wait, how does he know about Jareds?” and it sent me into a frothing rant about how ridiculously stupid that was. Because men are clueless who are immune to the ENDLESS FUCKING COMMERCIALS about pretty rocks that would be better used for industrial purposes.

    On a different note, two of my friends got engaged recently. The guy used a ring that has been in his family for generations, but was telling me that he constantly felt the need to explain this to people, whether they ask or not, so they wouldn’t think he had purchased a blood diamond.

    So on that note:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g__ANxxwKIk

  • Cousin Itt de La Résistance

    “What all women want, are blood diamonds coming out of their wherevers, believe me.”

  • smitallica

    Every Kiss Begins with “Don’t Tell HR, K?”®

    • Old Man Yells at Cloud

      I have been fortunate to have always worked for really good companies in my life, but even I know that the purpose of HR is to keep the company from being sued and losing. They are not there to protect the employees in any way.

      • EvilHRLady

        #notallHR

        • Shawn Renee Ernoehazy

          Is this THE EvilHRLady? I follow her over on LinkedIn, she even replied to an email I sent about a problem I had with pay being shorted after a timecard issue.

          • EvilHRLady

            I wish I could say yes, but I am not her. Although, I may have to dust off my LinkedIn account to find her! She sounds great!

    • memzilla Ω

      WIN. Please pick up your internetz stage left.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    Light, whose compensation totaled $7.4 million last year…

    Plus minge benefits.

  • TJ Barke

    Actually, I get by on a generous stipend from the NWO.

    • H0mer0

      you get a stipend from a music group?
      Oh, my mistake, that was NWA

  • Shoto

    Who does Ballou think he is, Roger Ailes?

  • Ricky Gay

    They should hire that Subway guy whenever he gets released. That would be pure marketing fusion!

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Nobody went to Jared’s.

      • Ricky Gay

        Jared came to them?

  • Msgr_MΩment

    Has anybody pointed out that the unfortunate male managers by and large did not have equal opportunity as the wimmen to sleep their way to the top?

    You people are the real sexists for saying that wimmen have the monopoly on outrage.

    • snark-lurker

      well by golly, that explains why

      **sound of a loud smack up-side a empty head**

    • TJ Barke

      It’s totally unfair. No one is willing to trade sex for favors with me…

    • Lance Thrustwell

      It’s a pattern! That must explain why I keep getting fired when I offer what I think is a straightforward business proposition to my female managers, and why I currently earn 75 cents an hour scraping out the dumpsters behind a 7-11.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        #7-11. #neverforget.

  • Oblios_Cap

    He’s made no public comment, and may or may not be planning to spend more time with his family in the near future.

    Or maybe a divorce attorney. Someone’s getting a house!

  • MynameisBlarney

    Fuckin’ sleazy bastards.

  • Oblios_Cap

    It’s all good clean fun until the stock price plummets!

  • LarryHoudini

    “What’s the big deal? The girl gets rewarded for a blow job, just like a husband might reward his wife with a pair of Diamond Solitaire Earrings with White Gold Backings ($205.00) for finally going through with a three way. What planet are you fuckers from?”

    • Undocumented Skwerl!

      But that 3 way you promised me was with Alex Jones and BBQ!

      • snark-lurker

        OMG get out! GET OUT!

      • Wild Cat

        I thought it was with Alex Jones and B.B. King?

  • Undocumented Skwerl!

    Another reason to ditch the diamonds forever.

    • shivaskeeper

      Not all of them. Diamond tipped cutting blades are great. Ditch all non-industrial diamonds.

      • msanthropesmr

        Also too, sharpening stones.

        • shivaskeeper

          That’s an industrial use.

    • Beowoof14

      Well since i have no fascination with shiny rocks, that’s pretty easy to do.

    • ZangoCrudmonger
      • Lizzietish81

        Ever notice how Thumper is completely useless in that fight? Bambi does all the work.

  • Hemp Dogbane

    I knew there was a good reason I hadn’t gone to the mall for some engagement rings yet.

  • Hairstrike Alpha

    Sounds like Mark Light is wanting a post as “President” Pussygrabs secretary of sex trafficking…very ambitious.

  • Oblios_Cap

    I refuse to support DeBeers or spend that kind of money on rocks.

    • Zyxomma

      I love spending money on rocks (rather, I did, when I had money), but not that kind. I love mineral specimens, and have a huge smoky quartz from Brazil, a lovely terminated tanzanite, a gorgeous wulfenite lozenge, and many more. I also have some carved stones; Kwan Yin in fluorite, etc.

  • msanthropesmr

    And according to the economist, the bottom is about to drop out of the diamond market. Debeers is losing their grip on a monopoly, and a new diamond field has opened up in Canada.

    • Wild Cat

      Can’t Russia crash the diamond market at will? They have ton of resources over their 9-timezone empire, including diamond mines.

      • msanthropesmr

        Yeah, they could, I think they’re the biggest producer. But the cartel is breaking up.

        • Wild Cat

          Do the Dutch deal with them or do they still exploit their old colonies?

      • PubOption

        They have been colluding with de Beers for years.

        • Wild Cat

          Ah, the Netherlands. Allies to anyone who offers profit.

    • georgiaburning

      Factory made diamonds are already cost-competitive with natural ones, it’s not like the ingredients are secret.

      • Wild Cat

        IOW, Superman finally got tired of making bad films and has decided to crush coal into diamonds full-time?
        That old caped bugger may finally be useful.
        .

        • LucindathePook

          He’s an ill-eagle alien! Deport!

        • H0mer0

          I thought that was Underdog

    • GoutMachine

      Oh good! Canadian slaves are the best.

  • Beowoof14

    I have never patronized any mall jewelry store. And now I am thankful for the folks I have had the good fortune to know who work independently in the jewelry business.

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      I agree. If one must buy trinkets and baubles, a mall store is a bad choice. Their markup is usually 200-300% and their sales people aren’t that helpful. I’d pick an independent seller,or Costco, or Blue Nile any day.
      I think they survive by selling impulse purchases to people who can’t really afford them.

      • Resistance Fighter Astraea

        I used to be one of those sales people!

        • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

          We all have one of those jobs in our past.

        • Lizzietish81

          I used to work in sewage.

          • Celtic_Gnome

            So, the Trump administration?

  • MynameisBlarney
  • Martini Ambassador

    OK, this is right in my wheelhouse, if you will, because I have spent part of my career in the jewelry industry. I was never harassed, but I’m not at all surprised that this happened. The industry in general is very old school. There are a lot of suppliers I simply refused to do business with because they were either shady as fuck, or downright misogynists.

    Anyway, I could go into lots of reasons why buying from mall chains is bad, but if for no other reason, I strongly suggest going to your local independent jeweler for your baubles because you are supporting a local artisan who will be much more likely to stand behind their workmanship and their product, they may employ one or two people and treat them better, and you’ll be putting money back into the local economy rather than supporting some conglomerate mega-corp.

    • msanthropesmr

      It’s also in my experience cheaper.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Totally agree with this. And independent jewelers are more likely to have unique products made by local artists, rather than generic designs!

    • Riley Whodat Venable

      You also get more for your money.

    • SkinlessGenderlessMan

      Mrs. SG Man and I did just this. Two man shop, makes amazing marine-themed “stock” jewelry; designed, cast and set a delightful pair of matched custom wedding rings for our low-budget selves.

      • Martini Ambassador

        Custom theme wedding jewelry is my favorite to make. Congrats to you guys!

        • SkinlessGenderlessMan

          Thanks! Just a year, now, and we went back to where we were married this past weekend for a “just us” getaway. Felt like coming home…

          As for the rings, we get constant compliments, and always plug the guy who designed them.

  • Chadwells

    Hmmm…blood diamonds or blowjob diamonds? Christ.

    • ZangoCrudmonger

      Ah, for the salad days when all we had to work with were whore diamonds. Seems like lifetimes ago.

    • Zyxomma

      “Why not both?” ~ Signet CEO

  • Lance Thrustwell

    In theory, I have no problem with bosses sleeping with employees, employees sleeping with each other, bosses sleeping with shareholders, or consultants sleeping with the office ferns. But in practice, that shit never seems to go well. It always seems to turn into coercive, backstabby, rapey, play-for-pay terribleness, whether that was the intention at the outset or not. (Though it sounds like at Kay and Jared, the higher-ups had bad intent right from the get-go.)

    The depressing thing, of course, is that these guys can still discriminate and deny opportunity to women in the company even without any sex involved, and probably will.

    • shivaskeeper

      Bosses can’t sleep with employees. There is no way if you hold a position of power over someone you should be sleeping with them. You lay out a bunch of the problems already.

      Even if it’s true love, just the perception of favoritism will make a toxic work environment for everyone involved.

      • Lance Thrustwell

        Twue wuv! (sorry, couldn’t help it.) Yeah, you right.

        • shivaskeeper

          I was going to go with that but couldn’t figure out how to spell it.

    • MeerkatsRMammals

      As someone who had an office relationship that ended up happily married…it CAN be done. But, there are rules! You have to be equals or different departments. You must be sure you keep your relationship on the DL. We were living together, but drove in separately, never made any inner-office PDA’s, etc. We were SO stealthy that some people didn’t know we were an item after 2 years. Co-workers just thought we were “really good friends” ;)

  • A company that should be (METAPHORICALLY) kicked in the family jewels

  • Nockular cavity

    Here’s a reminder of similar behavior from the distant past:
    http://farm7.static.flickr.com/6058/6323098991_41638b1035.jpg

  • snark-lurker

    my boss’s wife groped my butt once but nothing happened after that

  • Crystalclear12

    A store that profits on a system designed to trade women for property is treating women badly.

    The mind boggles.

  • Chadwells

    OT: So how in the FUCK does this make it any less unethical and fucking criminal?!? Christ…these idiots suuuuuuuck.

    “White House: Conway acted ‘without nefarious motive’ in promoting Ivanka Trump’s brand”

    http://thehill.com/homenews/administration/321790-wh-conway-acted-without-nefarious-motive-in-promoting-ivanka-trump

    • I acted ‘without nefarious motive’, but I still have a DUI on my record…

    • shivaskeeper

      It doesn’t. Ignorance of the law is no excuse for breaking the law.

      I know she was briefed on what sort of things were out of bounds when she speaks as a representative of the government. She’s just trying to deflect and not take responsibility. Like her boss.

      • MeerkatsRMammals

        KAC is a former attorney. Married to an even shittier attorney. She is ignorant & knew she was breaking the law.

    • MeerkatsRMammals

      Nefarious or not…she still broke the damn law. Would be swell if someone, anyone in this administration is held accountable for their actions.

  • Bill D. Burger
  • Reddishrabbit

    Of all the sexual harassment training I’ve gone to this type of sexual harassment was given the least amount of time because it is so Fucking obviously illegal and wrong. Apparently they over estimated people. Not too surprising really, we did elect an orange blob with a racoon living on it’s head.

  • resistance_fighter_rosenbomb

    One of the things that irks me the most about corporate America is how many companies reliant on women for profits are completely run by men. Why is the CEO of this company a friggin man? Why are the CEOs of most women’s retailers men?

    But “sexism is over,” according to Faux Noise.

    • Crystalclear12

      Died the same time as racism.

    • shivaskeeper

      Lady brains can’t handle the stress?

    • Scrofula

      Aren’t the customers usually clueless MEN though?
      “I want that big shiny one. How much? OK, the not-so-big shiny one. Hey, yer a broad, which one would you want?”

    • foreign agitator Captain Kraut

      Men are just better at some things…like sexual harassment.

  • Wild Cat

    Don’t worry, Sheeples! In Our Bright Economic Future, groom will give bride nice thatched house and a straw ring, bride will dowry groom with many sexy sheep. Diamond for religious leader and KING and QUEEN only! Conservatism is dream life; Bible hold us together and offers world peace.

  • MynameisBlarney

    I worked in the jewelry business for a few years as an apprentice jeweler, then at a factory in Gainesville, pumping out mass produced trinkets for places like Kay and Jared.
    The factory job was a short one as I was let go because I wouldn’t sleep with the managers.
    That wasn’t the reason on paper, but everyone knew what was up.

    • MynameisBlarney

      I’m not saying it’s a thing in the industry, but it happened.

      • Lance Thrustwell

        Srsly?

        • MynameisBlarney

          Yes. My 1st week there I was approached two female managers who told me that I’d make more money if I slept with them.
          Even though I was 20 at the time and was hornier’n two-dicked billy goat, they were both much, much MUCH older, married and mean.
          I lasted about 6 weeks before I finally quit.
          They asked me every payday.

          • Lance Thrustwell

            Good gravy, nothin’ like that ever happened to me. I think I mighta done it just so I could have the story. But then, I’m a strange and unethical person.

          • MynameisBlarney

            Had you seen them, I doubt you would have followed through.
            To say they were totally unattractive is a massive understatement.
            Even if there were attractive and single, my girlfriend would not have approved.

    • MeerkatsRMammals

      Women can’t resist a pointy-toothed alien in cowl…

      • MynameisBlarney

        Meh…no biggie really.
        I hated the job anyway. It only paid 4 bucks an hour.

    • Red Bird Ω

      They make jewelry in Gainesville? Also, I thought you were a guy.

      • MynameisBlarney

        I am a guy.
        And yes, there was a small jewelry factory there.
        They tend to keep such things on the down-low. Because, gold.

        • Red Bird Ω

          So….a male supervisor tried to hit on you?

          • MynameisBlarney

            No, two women did.
            As mentioned in another post, they were both married, far older than me, and quite unattractive.
            Even if they had been single and hot I had a gf at that time, and she would done bad things to me.

          • Red Bird Ω

            :O I’ve lived a sheltered life.

  • So today’s diamonds are now stained with blood AND semen?

    • cats530

      Well as long as it’s not smegma…

      • Riley Whodat Venable

        Jewishes Libelz!

  • TJ Barke

    When will people finally stop being terrible?

    • When the sun expands and swallows the earth? Or, more likely, when we render the planet uninhabitable for large mammals…

      • TJ Barke

        So either the far far future, or halfway through the Trump administration?

      • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

        Then our planet will be dominated by cats with opposable thumbs

        • TJ Barke

          No, octopi are the future masters of earth.

          • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

            They will rule the sea, and cats will rule the land. Cephalopods are scary smart. We really shouldn’t be eating them.

          • TJ Barke

            Naw, shows em who’s boss.

          • Nockular cavity

            OTOH, squid are notorious cannibals, so they have no complaint.

          • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

            That was always Dear Old Dads excuse on fishing trips. I always hated it when the fish brought the farm. His answer was “They would ear you if they could”.

          • MynameisBlarney

            Ridiculous!
            Squids or GTFO!

          • MeerkatsRMammals
          • H0mer0

            I’m torn. The cat at least has the strength to operate the robots.

      • Red Bird Ω

        Yes. And the earth will be ruled by fuzzy little terriers. I can tell they’re waiting patiently for their rule to begin every time my neighbor takes his puppies out for a walk. They give me side eye.

    • Crystalclear12

      When is the meteor due?

    • Me not sure

      It seems to happen one funeral at a time.

    • But see there probably is someone somewhere being “worse”, so that makes your terrible actions “ok”. (And everyone else is secretly just as awful in me anyway. I’m just “honest” about it)

      A summary of chapter 3 of The Guide to Rationalizing Shitty Behavior

  • Resistance Fighter Astraea

    OT: I’m thinking of going to the Science March in Columbus. I’m trying to come up with a sign.
    1. Even English Majors Are Here
    2. English Majors For Science
    3. Thank you, Scientists! –Signed, an English Major

    • Crystalclear12

      English major- conservative signs corrected for no charge.

    • I’m going to the Toronto one!

      • The Farce Side

        Is there info on the TO one yet? I’m trying to get a group of med researchers and artists organized for it.

      • Me not sure

        Will you be celebrating Canadian Scottish immigrant scientist and inventor
        Alexander Graham Bell?

      • MeerkatsRMammals

        Good thing. The border guards certainly won’t let you come here to join us…

    • Lance Thrustwell

      If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate!

      • Resistance Fighter Astraea

        I know just enough to find this funny!

      • Riley Whodat Venable

        All predicated on the heat in the system

    • Me not sure

      “Science requires precise grammar! You’re welcome.”

    • MeerkatsRMammals

      Will be in Philly with my husband & 2 kids. Was just gonna be my husband & 12 yr old, but the 6 yr old is mad as hell too & wants to do his part. So far, my 6 yr old told me “If I ever saw Donald Trump, I’d kick him right in the balls” & in a school paper on “What you’d do if President”, he said “Make Donald Trump not be mean”. He also said he’d have “Christmas every day”. Just goes to show a 6 yr old would be a better leader :)

    • hendenburg2

      I’m going with “Ask me how magnets work!”

      For reference: http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/fucking-magnets-how-do-they-work

  • Nockular cavity

    Compressed carbon is what they are
    No more use than a candy bar

    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=YinWmJuXYT0

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    Sounds like those guys could use some ‘sensitivity’ training.
    https://media.giphy.com/media/dSWUCRDAhkzSM/giphy.gif

    • Me not sure

      Pro tip : No flip flops, steel toed boots.

      • MeerkatsRMammals

        As someone who broke a toe while kicking someone barefoot (they totally deserved it), I whole-heartedly agree :)

        • Me not sure

          I guess THAT “little piggie” really did go to market.

          • Liberal Fascist Ron

            To market? It went to TOWN, baby!

          • Me not sure

            Perfect.👍

          • Lord Jim

            I come to Wonkette for the same reason most people go to art galleries – to admire the works of the masters :)

  • Chadwells
  • reelreeler

    I don’t shop at jewelry stores. Jewelry stores are where you go when you need a present for a mistress or have a guilty conscience from having a mistress.

    • Scrofula

      Where do classy people buy their jewels? I mean, I know it’s not at the mall, but I doubt it’s online. Wait, QVC? Not info I will ever use, but curious.

      • Lance Thrustwell

        Buy from little shops that sell things by local hippie artists. *Much* more interesting stuff. Art fairs also too.

        • Carpe Vagenda

          Science fiction conventions

        • ahughes798

          Ye Olde Ren Faire.

      • Reddishrabbit

        I know my father bought my mother jewelry pins from an consignment store that specialised in classic clothing and the like.

      • I know a place where you can get a great deal on rings! I hope you have a few quarters. And the patients to pry some stobborn little eggs apart…

        • Antonin Dvorak

          Patients or Patience?

          • JustDon’tSayDieInJail

            I saw that, and decided, eh, either way works.

          • Patience. Sorry about that. I is a dumb.

      • anwisok

        Big city pawn shops can be awesome.

      • Zyxomma

        http://www.brilliantearth.com/recycled-gold-jewelry/ or a vintage jewelry store, or an online vintage jewelry store. Although I prefer hippie metalsmiths!

        • Scrofula

          Thanks. But now Google is going to think I’m getting married.

      • ahughes798

        Your local mom and pop jewelry store, if you have one near you.

        • Scrofula

          That’s kind of what I mean–I’ve never heard of a “Mom and Pop Jewelry Store.” But then, I’ve never, not once, bought jewelry.

          • ahughes798

            There is a small, independent jewelry store in my town. They have really pretty stuff. I have bought myself a couple of rings there from their estate jewelry section. One is an opal(my favorite stone), and the other is a small tiger’s eye.

          • Scrofula

            When I met my ex, she wore the metal-bead pull chain from some blinds as a bracelet.
            Definitely more my style.

          • ahughes798

            I wear one of those on my wrist, too. I’m into antique silver bracelets, and it fits right in! I’m not much of a diamond person, myself. I like opals much better. I hear you can dig your own somewhere out west.

          • cyninoregon

            We have one too–they fix stuff in seconds for free. And one time I got a designer silver piece for 60% off. All I could afford there. But such classy, collector items compared to the mall stores–no comparison.

  • The ‘Outrageous’ Craig Russell!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HtgO5erIoks

  • Rick Hill

    Damn! And here I just learned of teh jewelrey for thexual gratification being given scam…

    • Carpe Vagenda

      So is there any stage of the diamond process which doesn’t involve unenthusiastic coerced fucking?

      • Rick Hill

        Idk. I haven’t given a lot of diamonds…

      • Liberal Fascist Ron

        Their formation?

        • Carpe Vagenda

          I’m sure there were some lady dinosaurs who would beg to differ…

        • ahughes798

          Well, even there, there’s lots of pressure….

          • Liberal Fascist Ron

            Yeah, the heat’s always on those poor carbon molecules.

  • MeerkatsRMammals

    As a lady, former retail manager & HR manager, this story makes me wanna vomit. But, sure…there’s certainly no “war on women”. Silly us for wanting equal pay, not having to fuck our boss to get ahead or be fired over imaginary stealing. I hope this lawsuit of 70K strong sinks their stock even more…to the point they go outta business all together. I’ve never shopped Kay or Jared & guarantee I never will in the future. You can take your shitty jewels & stuff em where the sun don’t shine…in your body, not hers!

    • Red Bird Ω

      It’s only a war on women if you don’t allow a woman to tell you how bad abortion is.

      • JustDon’tSayDieInJail

        *pauses to parse* – oh, now I get it! All the ups!

  • anthrodiva

    Love the whore diamonds callback

  • IOnlyLikeCats

    I have serious problems anyway with companies “for women” being run by men but the people in charge all being rapists makes me glad I have never made a purchase there.

  • Greg Comlish

    Zales is the Zima of Mall jewlers

    • laughingnome

      Zima means winter in Russian.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Eww eww eww eww eww…

  • Is this to place to get all nostalgic about those funky Service Merchandise stores?

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/c31dc49ccbb3fb1524c9a5c01e8af376703c9f03ad22696f6c36bda85afcd94b.jpg

    • laughingnome

      I bought my wife’s ring at Service Merchandise 30 years ago. Hey, it was all I could afford. I’m still a cheap bastard and we’re still married.

    • Liberal Fascist Ron

      Up Here we had Consumers Distributing. Yes, I miss it. A lot.

      • I loved going to Service with mom. You’d fill out the order ticket with a little Putt Putt Golf pencil and take it to the lady. You’d then wait wait wait and your item would come bouncing from those mysterious plastic strip doors on a conveyor belt and WHAM you had a new hair dryer.

        • Liberal Fascist Ron

          Same experience. EXACT same experience. Right down to the pencils.

        • cats530

          S&H Greenstamps store was fun too. My mom bought me my first aquarium with thousands of books of Greenstamps.

          • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

            I vaguely remember all of this! I remember all the merchandise you could “buy” was on “display,” on shelves mounted way up around the ceilings. Seems like the floor space was all taken up with tables for spreading out your stamp book, stocked with those stubby eraserless pencils.

    • Susan Szews

      My husband and I each have $12 fake gold wedding rings we bought offa Amazon. We are both software developers and can afford better, but choose not to. I do like sparkly things and have a ton of costume and some real stuff to wear, but I’ve always been meh on bragging on engagement and wedding status.

      • Just for jollies I bought a five dollar ‘Gold Rolex Mickey Mouse Watch’ from a street vendor almost the moment I got to NYC the first time. I wore that thing for years – it worked, too!

      • Mavenmaven

        yes, and five dollar sunglasses bought on the street generally look and wear better than the expensive name brand glasses. We are all trained to focus on the name brand.

    • cats530

      I liked Service Merchandise and Best stores. Of course, I also remember the old Gemco (think Target meets grocery store $1 membership store).

      • Rags

        I got a gemco scholarship for college!

    • Riley Whodat Venable

      I loved that place.

  • Carpe Vagenda

    OK, wtf, Vera Wang?

    • Antonin Dvorak

      What did she do?

      • hendenburg2

        She has a jewelry line with one of those brands

        • Antonin Dvorak

          Ah.

        • GoutMachine

          A lot of them do. Jane Seymour has that hideous one, too. I suppose that’s the conundrum – this company owns like all three major jeweler chains, so if you want to distribute your product …

          • cats530

            lol on the Jane Seymour – I think her jewelry line is hideous too (though the lady herself is lovely) Her open hearts pendant reminds me of buttcheeks. One pair upside down and one pair right side up.

          • GoutMachine

            Those commercials and the stupid Lexus ones during Christmas (you know, with the stupid music and the giant bow – who the fuck does that? “Merry Christmas, honey, we’re in debt from a major purchase I didn’t consult you on!”) make me very stabby.

          • cats530

            Oh, I hate the giant red bow Lexus commercials! lol.

            And I’d say, “Honey, you got the wrong color too!”

          • cyninoregon

            I think they are trying to brainwash kids into thinking these are normal practices when they grow-up…we all have these stupid expectations that are unrelated to what we actually want–and then someday a commercial from your childhood is played and the light bulb goes off over your head…. The world around you has all these expectations they dump on anyone planning to marry, not only the ring, timing,but also all the wedding stuff many couples never think about until they announce they are getting married.

            Women want diamond engagement rings because people treat them like their fiance cannot REALLY love them unless he puts a stone worth thousands and precious metal on her finger to show the world she is worth it and he’s buying. I know from experience–I never wanted a diamond until people treated me like I was not really engaged without it. A creepy experience. A friend was treated like she was not married until she got a diamond ring to prove it.

            I doubt all the people realize how they push this on couples. It’s a massive brainwash like the idea he’ll propose on Christmas Eve with the ring. We are disappointed without understanding why. And guys feel pressured to meet expectations that are just from ads, movies, tv….not our conscious minds. But these things are placed in our minds beginning at such young ages and so pervasively throughout our culture.

            And sick thing: thieves target newly separated/divorced women because they know the women must take off her rings and put them in a drawer or jewelry box. It’s all too easy.

          • GoutMachine

            I think you’re right. At the worst, they’re doing this intentionally; at best, it’s a happy (for them) unintended consequence of their ad campaigns.

            I also remember reading an expose about the diamond industry a few years ago (can’t for the life of me remember where), and what DeBeers et al did not just to American consumers, but also to the Japanese post-WWII is a) marketing genius and b) kind of evil. The whole “A Diamonds is Forever” campaign is a brilliant one, and it was foisted upon post-war Japanese with a certain gusto, particularly since, culturally, it was in vogue to be like Americans. DeBeers had already done its puppetry here, and it had a new territory to conquer.

  • Biff52

    With 45*, this is how we court and spark now.

  • The documentary Hot Coffee is a great if rage-inducing look at how badly “tort reform” and mandatory arbitration fucks people over. Sometimes literally, as in the case of the military contractor who wasn’t allowed to sue her employer after being raped and then LOCKED INTO A SHIPPING CONTAINER BY HER SUPERIORS WHEN SHE REPORTED IT. (This documentary will make you fall in live with Senator Al Franken, by the way. I mean, if you weren’t already.)

    • puredog

      That’s “tort deform,” BTW.

  • wait! what?

    Laura Linney would have never made it out of the Congo without diamonds.

    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=jfgWw43Fcuw

    • BearGHAZI

      THANK YOU for bringing some perspective to this discussion

  • Liberal Fascist Ron

    On the plus side, those ‘He Went To Jared’ Kushner jokes just took on a whole new level of meaning.

  • Bitter Scribe

    Mandatory arbitration is the yellow-dog contract of the 21st century.

  • Ms.MLG on Maui

    I am shocked, I tell you, shocked, an industry built on brainwashing women into believing they need to marry a man to have value and be complete would be sexist! How could an industry that makes money off the idea men have to purchase women’s futures by giving them expensive jewelry be like that?! You can’t trust anyone anymore!

    • cats530

      Some folks still believe in the De Beers’ canard that the man must spend 3x his monthly salary on the engagement ring.

      • chortlingdingo

        What? That’s absolutely ridiculous!

        • Usedtobeyellerdawg

          Yeah. What could you get for twenty bucks and a cheese cracker anyway?

      • AllieQuinn

        When I was much younger it was only 2x the monthly salary. I don’t know when, but at some point it shifted to 3x. It’s completely ridiculous. I mean, if it’s your thing, then more power to you…but the idea that it’s an obligation, like some sort of bride price, is absurd.

  • SayItWithWookies

    That’s it — from now on I’m just buying blood diamonds.

  • SullivanSt

    In 2015, the arbitrator found enough evidence of persistent sex discrimination at Sterling to allow the suit to proceed as a class action

    Holy shit I already know this is going to be bad. I mean, how fucked up does a corporate person have to be to get an arbitrator to rule like that?

    • darnyoudarnyoutoheck

      Very, very fucked up. Majorly.

      • Lord Jim

        Bigly.

  • chicken thief

    It looks like Heather wasn’t just Ballou-ing this out of proportion.

    • whitroth

      Ballou? I remember how Cat Ballou got revenge….

  • “Finally someone gets it”

    –Roosh

  • chicken thief

    This is why classy men like Newt Gingrich shop only at Tiffany’s.

  • rick

    Tom Shane of Shane Co: Best news I’ve heard all day!

  • cats530

    “Wouldn’t you rather he went to the pantry and made you a necklace of macaroni than to Jared right now?

    Why yes, I would rather have the macaroni necklace. I hate generic corporate chain jewelry. The quality is mediocre; the stones are commercial quality; and the ‘designs’ are mass-produced and for the most part, pretty darn boring.

  • PixieThis

    A pearl necklace!?! He went to Jared!!! <3

  • Edith Prickly

    Fuck these chazers. That culture of “all the wimmenz are fair game” makes we want to vomit.

  • whitroth

    Just wan leetle question: shouldn’t the women *also* file criminal charges against the managers? So not only does Signet pay, but THE BASTARDS GO TO JAIL, and do not collect $7.1M?

  • TheLastHonestLawyer

    Diamonds are just shiny rocks, and aren’t really that rare. The whole mania for them, and the idea that a woman isn’t completely without plenty of shiny rocks was cooked up by the DeBeers family, who happen to control much of the world’s supply of gem-quality diamonds.

    Buy them if you must, but be aware that there’s no such thing as an ethically clean diamond. Unless you found it yourself at Crater of Diamonds State Park in Arkansas.

    http://www.craterofdiamondsstatepark.com/

    • HazooToo

      That sounds like so much fun, honestly. Not fun enough to go to Arkansas, but still!

      • Jeffery Campbell

        Having been to the Crater of Diamonds I can recommend it, but for the love of God, do not go in the summer. You will die.

      • TheLastHonestLawyer

        If I happened to be in the area or passing through, it would be worth a day trip.

  • Holly

    Damn! Was I supposed to be keeping track of all the sexxy fun time, and sammiches I did/made for my man? I really deserve a piece of mall store jewelry like this beautiful ring that I like totally deserve because sexxy fun time sammiches.
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/cb232c4b77dd075558a2aba004171617cae645e8a1d341be7072f233af29c7c0.jpg

    • Jeffery Campbell

      Wow, that’s gonna leave a mark.

  • Nodrama4mama

    Whatever you do, don’t click on the story from the Washington Post and read the comments. You’ll lose your lunch AND need a Silkwood Shower.

    • Jeffery Campbell

      That’s an invitation, I cannot refuse. BRB.

    • AllieQuinn

      Oh those comment boards are absolutely infested with RW trolls. They seem to work in shifts. I don’t say a whole lot there. Not worth it.

  • Rags

    There are also too the mandatory Christian arbitrations; and R’s are worried about Sharia law?
    https://mobile.nytimes.com/2015/11/03/business/dealbook/in-religious-arbitration-scripture-is-the-rule

  • Helene Logan

    “Wonkette is ad-free and sells only the finest whore diamonds, supported entirely by Readers Like You.”

    Awww, Whore Diamonds. Those were the days!

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