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BREAKING NEWS, everyone, but wingnut conspiracy theorist Alex Jones, a pal of Donald Trump’s, is one weird fuckin’ goober. This is not news to Americans who read internet dot com on the regular, but Germany’s Der Spiegel magazine did a profile of Jones, and there is indeed interesting new information in it! No, it is not about how Alex Jones believes Barack Obama did 9/11 with chemtrails or thinks Sandy Hook was a false flag mass shooting (he literally believes that), because again, American readers already know that!

Now we want to be clear, before we share this, that it was printed first in Der Spiegel, because as we all know, Wonkette’s reputation suffered a near-fatal blow when Alex Jones labeled us as fake news. WE ARE NOT THE ORIGINATORS OF THIS STORY. Now feast on Alex Jones’s Texas BBQ-flavored nipples, because this is a thing the nice German journalist had to experience at Jones’s studios in Austin:

It’s afternoon, and Jones is walking through the studio, his adrenaline level high and his blood sugar low. He needs to get something to eat. Platters of BBQ – chicken, beef and sausages – are set out on a table in the conference room. “Good barbecue,” says Jones. “You tasted it already?”

Texas BBQ sucks, SCIENCE FACT.

He piles up food onto a plastic plate, and then he suddenly takes off his shirt without explanation. With his bare torso, he sits there and shovels meat into his mouth, a caricature of manliness, but also a show of power to the reporter sitting in front of him. He can do as he pleases.

That is not even a “caricature” of manly. That is a chunky conspiracy theorist guy sitting around naked with BBQ chicken and beef and sausage dribbling through the sea of fur that covers his shoulders, his nipple parts, and his love handles. He probably does that every night in bed too.

Then Jones gets up and holds out a sausage. “Wanna suck?” he asks.

Oh for Christ’s sake, which sausage did he hold up? Was it HIS sausage or one of the sausages from the plate? No, we don’t want to #FakeNews that thought into your head, surely he just wanted the nice German journalist to suck one of the sausages on the plate, because that’s a normal interaction with a journalist!

There are other things in the Der Spiegel story, but you don’t care, because you’re busy throwing up right now.

If Wonkette didn’t search the internet and find these stories for you, you wouldn’t even be THINKING about Alex Jones’s sticky naked body right now. THANK US, WITH A DONATION!

[Der Spiegel]

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  • Sandy Beaches

    I thought you liked us, Evan.

  • MynameisBlarney

    AH JEZUS FUCK!!!!

  • Edith Prickly

    GAAAAHHHHH!! Why Evan, why??

  • Tallmutha

    I literally just saw this headline as I started–wait for it–lunch. Yeah, I’m sorry too.

  • BearDeLaOursistance

    Why can’t Justin Trudeau slather Texas BBQ on HIS nipples instead?!?!?

  • Edith Prickly
  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    That photo…

    DAMMIT, Disqus isn’t letting me post the image. Just imagine the “And I won’t be having any sex for a while now” photo here FFS.

    • Résistance Land Shark Ω

      I’ve been having the same issue with Disucks today …. no images! And I have good pony memes to fill the void!

  • puredog

    I had to scroll down here immediately before finishing the article to alert the Wonkettariat:
    TEXAS BBQ LIBELZ!
    ETA: Eating BBQ shirtless is actually not a bad idea at all. That sauce can ruin shirts.

    • Lara

      But, maybe, just maybe, if a reporter is following you around you just, I dunno, eat neatly and use lots of napkins, or even tuck a bunch of napkins in your shirt rather than…that? Or change shirts; you can’t tell me he doesn’t have a stack of spare clothes there for when he sweats through them on air.

      • FlownΩver

        Or maybe just don’t eat while being interviewed. Or in Jones’s case, go on a permanent hunger strike to protest your fantasy grievance du jour.

  • stankbait

    Are we having a fish fry?
    Who brought the tub of lard?

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      Rush invited himself

  • Edith Prickly
  • Jes looka dat lil’ Puddin’ Putin.

  • boyblue122

    “Then Jones gets up and holds out a sausage. “Wanna suck?” he asks.”

    Did that really happen? lol

  • msanthropesmr

    Texas BBQ is the only BBQ. Bless your heart, Evan.

    • Cousin Itt de La Résistance

      Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

      • msanthropesmr

        You’re wrong. False flag. Benghazi. Email. Aaaaaaaaaaarghshhh

      • FlownΩver

        KC BBQ or GTFO.

        • Cousin Itt de La Résistance

          When I lived there, Rosedale was my go-to place.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Connecticut vermouth-based barbecue or GTFO.

  • Cousin Itt de La Résistance

    Kansas City BBQ or get the fuck out my pie hole.

    • msanthropesmr

      Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

    • MynameisBlarney

      Carolina style or…actually I like all bbq.

      • Cousin Itt de La Résistance

        Cole slaw IN the bun with the meat?

        Barbarians.

        • MynameisBlarney

          YES!
          YES TO BOTH!

          • msanthropesmr

            Wrong.

          • MynameisBlarney

            NOE!

        • msanthropesmr

          OK. You’re right on that count.

        • MynameisBlarney
          • Crank Tango

            Hey, while we’re on this subject, is that place Porky’s any good? The one in the Keys, I mean. Seemed pretty crowded when we drove past.

          • MynameisBlarney

            No idea, that is WAY South from my location.
            Looks like a tourist trap to me though. Probably expensive as fuck.
            And why would ya want bbq in the Keys anyway? We’re the seafood capitol of the WOOOOOORLD!

            At least that’s what the Chamber of Commerce say.

          • Crank Tango

            Pretty much exactly why we didn’t stop.

            But then again, I live in a tiny mountain town in norcal, with almost no restaurants at all, so I’d still stop for good bbq.

          • MynameisBlarney

            Best bbq I ever had was in Macon, Ga. Maybe in Soperton…I don’t remember because I was like 9 years old.
            Anyway, the place was called “Sweat’s Barbecue” and they sign on the wall saying the fire in the pit hasn’t gone out since 1928 or something.
            I don’t think they’re around anymore though.

      • msanthropesmr

        Heathen.

      • Lance Thrustwell

        Same here. You can find good barbecue almost anywhere, there’s just higher concentrations of it some places.

        • msanthropesmr

          Wrong.

          • Lance Thrustwell

            Minnesota mayonnaise-based BBQ?

          • MynameisBlarney

            Please tell me you’re joking.

          • fredoandme

            dammit.

            now i’m hungry.

          • Up In Smoke O’hontas

            He is not. It is a thing that is the worst thing since things were invented.

          • MynameisBlarney
          • Crank Tango

            French smoked lambs’ testicles served over fermented arugula is the only real barbecue.

          • FlownΩver

            …or Lobster Thermidor á Crevette with a mornay sauce served in a Provencale manner with shallots and aubergines garnished with truffle paté, brandy and with a fried egg on top and spam – all slathered with Kraft generic BBQ sauce. And Crunchy Frog for afters.

          • Up In Smoke O’hontas

            I knew that shit would come up eventually! There is no greater gastronomic travesty than white BBQ sauce. And I’ve had lutefisk.

    • Alexander Stallwitz

      Oh shit!!! We are getting into a BBQ off! Stuff is getting real up in here

    • puredog

      Many bbqs are good, each in its own way, including Texas’s and KC’s. Bless all y’all’s hearts.

      • msanthropesmr

        Heathen!!!

      • OneYieldRegular

        “Many bbqs are good, each in its own way.”

        Obviously you’ve never tried California bbq made with seitan.

        • MynameisBlarney

          That is the ultimate sin.

        • Ω cynmac will never surrender

          Is that a thing? Fer realz?

        • Skeptical_thinker

          I have had that stuff. It is more than wretched.

      • georgiaburning

        Everett & Jones- but watch out for the fedora crowd if you go to their Jack London square location

        • idiotboy

          Never tried that one, hey, one of our sons is part of the fedora crowd in Oakland. Well he was till two weeks ago and got priced out. Now living in Santa Rosa.

    • TundraGrifter

      Many years ago I was flying from San Francisco to Chicago and realized I could have a 3 hour or so layover in Kansas City. So I did and took a taxi (white driver – he had to ask a Black driver for directions) to Arthur Bryant’s. I read about it many times and just had to try it.

      • idiotboy

        ARTHUR BRYANT’S!!!!!! you want me to make a fool of myself gushing about that place like a little girl at a Beatles concert. Thinking about it makes me want to jump on a plane. Best BBQ ever and do not even try to argue my fingers are in my ears.

        • FlownΩver

          Little-known fact: When the Beatles played in KC it was within walking distance of Arthur Bryant’s.

  • jesuswasablack
    • boyblue122

      is that the nub of a baby’s pinky or are you just happy to see me

    • Resistance Fighter Callyson

      Jesus, that’s worse than the Alex Jones image. Guess I’ll be celibate for life now.

      • jesuswasablack

        your welcome!

    • puredog

      If it’s possible to permanently banhammer a particular image from Wonkette, please do it now.

      • C4TWOMAN

        This was part of the reason some peeps didn’t mind the image problem we had a while back.
        One option: is it possible to put it in spoiler tags?

        • Crank Tango
          • C4TWOMAN

            Good effort but no dice.
            Nah, only the url got spoilered. What we’re looking for is something you have to click on to see.

          • Crank Tango

            It’s funny because the whole image is greyed out for me, unless I mouseover the image.

          • yyyaz

            Which is sort of cool in its own way. Kinda like the days of alt-text past.

          • tomamitai

            Or xkcd and SMBC present.

          • Lara

            Oh, me too. I thought that’s what it was supposed to do if it was spoiler-tagged.

          • Crank Tango

            OK that’s what I thought!

          • C4TWOMAN

            It’s greyed in my feed, but flickers in and out.
            In the comments embedded under the article, only the URL is greyed out; the image is visible right underneath.

          • Lara

            Works for me. Fully spoilered Nanny-Tea.

      • Crank Tango

        Things I’d rather see more: the rat in the toilet, pig shat on its own nuts, and I dunno, newt gingrich, or better yet more toilet rats.

        • yyyaz

          Hear, hear. Except for the Newt. Do not want ever to see again. Ever.

  • MynameisBlarney
  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Then Jones gets up and holds out a sausage. “Wanna suck?” he asks.

    https://fitandfeminist.files.wordpress.com/2016/10/tumblr_o441tdm8pm1tb8iyko1_500.gif?w=500

  • OneYieldRegular

    Really, Wonkette. I never thought I’d say this, but this time you’ve gone too far. Don’t make me show up in your deleted comments section.

  • memzilla Ω

    ARE YOU TRYING TO INDUCE A MASS TECHNICOLOR YAWN EVENT HERE???

  • Hobbes’ Evil Twin

    the dangers of mixing meth and steroids.

    h/t Stephen Colber

    • msanthropesmr

      Aren’t meth users skinny?

      • Edith Prickly

        Well, Rob Ford managed to stay morbidly obese with a crack habit…

      • Jenny

        No. My mom and her friends were fatty fatkins. It only makes the skinny extra skinny.

  • Edith Prickly

    Evan you sly dog, you just posted this so we would bombard you with Justin Trudeau sexxx pics to stop the mass vomiting…

    https://www.thestar.com/content/dam/thestar/news/canada/2015/11/19/trudeau-will-bring-energy-and-reform-to-canada-obama-says/trudeau-obama.jpg.size.custom.crop.1086×633.jpg

    • BearDeLaOursistance

      From Falcon Video’s “Dual Citizenship”… coming out this spring.

  • Asterix

    Thanks. I just had lunch.

  • Alexander Stallwitz

    Jones I see is channeling his idol Putin in the whole not wearing shirts i see

  • TundraGrifter

    “Texas BBQ sucks, SCIENCE FACT.”

    Sweeping generalizations are seldom accurate.

  • writersbloc

    As a Texan I 100% agree with the statement “Texas BBQ sucks, SCIENCE FACT.”

    • msanthropesmr

      Wrong. Again. Only thing other than Anne Richards and Molly Ivins outta Texas worth a shit.

      • msanthropesmr

        Also too Zz top and the winter brothers.

        • Me not sure

          Stevie Ray and Jimmy Vaughn?

          • Red Bird Ω

            Beyoncé and Destiny’s Child.

        • yyyaz

          Kinky Friedman and Bob Wills.

      • SpideySenser

        Barbara Jordan and Janis Joplin!

      • Meccalopolis

        Rokcky erikson?

      • tomamitai

        Buddy Holly libelz!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!

      • Werewolf

        Quanah Parker!

  • Nounverb911

    You know, if Alex Jones was going to photoshop his head on to some other body why did he have to choose Rush Limbaugh’s?

  • Crank Tango

    I’m not here for his chemtrails, and I am CERTAINLY not here for his treasure trail.

    • idiotboy

      I know a number of liberal very smart college graduate types, professionals who when talking with them about the disaster in the white house and all the crazy right wing theories and I am all “yeah it is fucking scary out there, like this chem trail bullshit”
      Quite often the answer to that sentence?, “well, that IS happening”.
      Just fuck.

      • Crank Tango

        LOL. If chemtrails were real, why hasn’t Chump executive ordered the shit out of them by now?

  • Edith Prickly
  • BearDeLaOursistance

    So THAT’S what all the movers and shakers do at Bohemian Grove. Alex learns only from the best at his covert masturbation sessionscourageous journalistic investigations.

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    I figured Jones would be the type to prefer a dry rub

    • Ricky Gay

      badump tssssh!

  • anwisok

    This is a post which didn’t need to be written. It had to be said. PERIOD!

  • Teecha

    It’s bedtime here. And now I have this image in my head.

    EVAN, IF I HAVE NIGHTMARES TONIGHT, IT’S YOUR FAULT.

    • Nounverb911

      In Evan’s defense, watching trump tonight will give you even more nightmares.

      • Teecha

        I have only ever watched ole farty once, by mistake. I can’t bear to look at his fuck-ugly, pig-ignorant twatling face. Or listen to his stupid, whiny, poorly-enunciating voice. He’s such a cunt.

        I shan’t be watching him tonight for three reasons:
        a) I’m going to bed
        2) I have no telly
        3) see my comment above about how his face offends mine eyes.

        • (Major_Major_Major)ly_Pissed

          Soooo, is that Scottish for you are leaning towards not being a fan?

          • Teecha

            I’m not sure if I was clear enough tbh.

  • Asterix

    Is that tub o’ lard wearing pants?

  • Nounverb911

    Texas? Isn’t that the state that seceded all those times?

    • Vel Venturi

      But not now that God-Emperor Trump is on the porcelain throne! You’re stuck with us now.

  • BearDeLaOursistance

    Somewhere on Teh T00bz, there are college wrestlers covered in barbecue sauce. And Gayer Than Thou has downloaded them.

  • Bill D. Burger
    • Sandy Beaches

      With a spork?

  • Cousin Itt de La Résistance

    Texas BBQ sucks, SCIENCE FACT.

    Apparently, so does Alex Jones. I’d just feel ashamed to be the suckee.

  • Me not sure

    Alex, it’s a trick! It’s the smoked meats, not the chem trails that cause cancer!

    • Bill D. Burger

      ….and H.A.A.R.P.

      • BearDeLaOursistance

        A languidly posed Alex Jones in BBQ-soaked angelic vestments playing a stringed instrument. Like that’s a whole lot better.

      • Me not sure

        🎶I’ve looked at clouds from both sides, now
        From sane and nuts and still somehow
        It’s cloud delusions I recall,
        I really don’t know clouds at all.🎵

  • memzilla Ω

    If this is one weird trick to get us all to skip lunch and send the seven bucks to Wonkette instead…

  • dslindc
  • dslindc

    Did the reporter mention seeing any of those gay frogs he’s always shouting about?

  • Unnamed_and_MaybeFake

    Well, he really showed those squishy Euros what for, just more than they expected.

  • anon_the_great

    “Wanna suck?”
    Of course he’s talking about animal meat in a casing b/c HE HAS NO COCK!

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      If he ever did, I’m sure the trucker speed/steroid supplements have long since taken care of it

  • I hate you. I hate you so much.

  • Me not sure

    Isn’t there some kind of public indecency charge that can be made for doing that in front of an open window?

  • Michael Smith

    Hahahaha what the hell.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    Oh for Christ’s sake, which sausage did he hold up? Was it HIS sausage or one of the sausages from the plate?

    This article was the wurst. Ever.

  • Boscoe

    FUUUUUCCCKKKK YYYOOOUUUUUU EEEVVVVAAANNN HHHUUURRRSSSSTTT!!!!1!11!1111!!!!eleventyFUCK

    Seriously man, I’m paying for this shit now. C’mon. :P

    You owe me new eyeballs and a bucket of brain bleach.

  • weejee

    Can you say myocardial infarction?

    • chazmanr

      No I can’t say it, but I can pray for it.

    • TJ Barke

      Infarction is a fun word.

  • Vincent Ricola

    Christ on a cracker, BBQ on plastic plates with a shirtless, gross Alex Jones? Those “infowars supplements” must be made out of pure meth and insulin.

    • Carpe Vagenda

      Does it matter? People who have seen Alex Jones are paying him for the privilege of eating what he says he eats. Their pleasure centers are probably buried so deep they could attach jumper cables to them and not get a buzz.

  • Ricky Gay

    “I’ve seen bigger sausages in Vienna!”

    • The Flaming Carrot

      I’ve even seen bigger sausages in Bratislava.

  • ariel_gee_398

    My take away from this is that Jones is into the guy who wrote this article. Cause that sounds like (disgusting, elementary school playground level) flirting.

    • Red Bird Ω

      What kind of kindergarten did you go to???

      • ariel_gee_398

        Your average public school. Though my second grade teacher once had to give a kid detention for repeatedly calling some of the girls “very sexy” and there was a class performance of Kokomo that, now that I consider it, certainly wasn’t age appropriate.

        • Red Bird Ω

          I understand now.

          • ariel_gee_398

            Hey, I’m just lucky it wasn’t Catholic school.

          • idiotboy

            Yes you are.

        • tomamitai

          The Beach Boys song?

  • memzilla Ω
  • Jenny

    Whoa whoa whoa. Texas barbecue does not suck. Thems fighting words, Evan.

    • Edith Prickly

      I suspect that is a Memphis thing…

      • Jenny

        Memphis makes a good sauce, probably.

        • hendenburg2

          Nah. Carolina vinegar sauce. all others can GTFO.

          Except Phil’s (the local BBQ joint where I am)

        • (Major_Major_Major)ly_Pissed

          Memphis makes a good sauce, until you’ve had proper Texas BBQ (except for pork, then Carolina or GTFO)

          • hendenburg2

            Gonna be honest, I’ve been to a number of BBQ places in Texas when I travel for work, and I’ve always been kinda disappointed. Everything I’ve tried has been middling at best.

          • Zippy W Pinhead

            there’s a little place behind the Hilton Anatole in Dallas called Slow Bones that’s pretty tasty. It’s a quick walk out the loading dock and it’s only open for lunch- at that point it’s a line halfway down the block of businessmen getting their BBQ fix

          • Jenny

            What places?

          • (Major_Major_Major)ly_Pissed

            To be honest, it really depends on a) the location (for the sauce) and b) the cooking. If the brisket isn’t fresh (and for me TX should be considered brisket only), the sauce will only do so much. There are a couple of great places I used to go to in Houston when I lived there.

          • NellCote71

            Nah. Carolina does that stupid mustard thing.

          • (Major_Major_Major)ly_Pissed

            Blasphemer!

    • Vel Venturi

      Right!?

      All BBQ is delicious, but Texas BBQ is deliciouser.

      • Indivisible Snark Tank

        No, Kansas City is deliciouser. But Texas is damn fine, if beef-heavy (I’m a pork man myself).

        • Mr. Blobfish

          I second. Best BBQ ever in K.C.

  • Nounverb911
  • DesertedPictures

    For all their talk about evil liberal conspiracies that want to kill them all, they are surprisingly quick to join in a freedom-of-the-press ending conspiracy of their own.

    • TJ Barke

      It’s okay though, because that is the lying evil fake news press.

  • Carpe Vagenda

    It’s a chilly 65 degrees Fahrenheit in the air-conditioned studio, but Alex Jones [43] is sweating.

    I wonder what mysterious force will finally take him from us?

    • Master Contrail Program

      HAARP?

      • Carpe Vagenda

        I’m thinking one day he starts to build a mysterious butte out of mashed potatoes, eats it and dies of peritonitis.

        • Master Contrail Program

          He already has a butt of mashed potatoes, and it ain’t a mystery.

    • ariel_gee_398

      Pillows. I hear they’re dangerous in Texas.

      • hendenburg2

        Pillows are the natural habitat of Texan Firearms

        • ariel_gee_398

          How is that not the name of a professional sports team in Texas?

          • Master Contrail Program

            Well, the Astros were the Houston Colt .45s their first few seasons.

      • tomamitai

        They’ll take your breath away. Just ask Scalia.

    • Mr. Blobfish

      Cholesterol

    • tomamitai

      65 degrees? Is electricity really cheap in Texas, or does grifting crazies pay very, very well?

      • Carpe Vagenda

        I guess he figures meat sweats aren’t a good look for a key figure in alternative health.

      • NellCote71

        Yes.

    • Shibusa

      Chemtrails?

  • WiscoJoe

    When Jones inevitably dies of heart disease thanks to a steady diet of red meat, amphetamines, and rage, his operation will claim he was in perfect health and then blame it all on a government conspiracy.

    • Carpe Vagenda

      jinx

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      One more entry for the Clinton death list

    • Ω cynmac will never surrender

      Dead Brietbart Lib… Never Mind.

    • NellCote71

      Or on Obama.

  • Lizzietish81

    Reminds me of Rome when Antony pisses in a plant next to Cicero

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kac4T-9HkPI

  • Shucky Ducky

    I’m sure that the reporter, Veit Medick, was totally like “hey naked asshole, Veit Medick.”

    I am not kidding about this. The reporter’s byline credits “Veit Medick.” And he is an attractive young man.

    • Red Bird Ω

      I Googled and I agree.

    • Mr. Blobfish

      I hope it’s pronounced Bite My Dick

      • Shucky Ducky

        It never occurred to me that it could be pronounced otherwise.

        • tomamitai

          If I remember correctly from my high school German classes 40 years ago, and I probably don’t, it would be pronounced “Fight May Dick”.

  • JohnBull

    Nice pic. A Republican man’s man if I’ve ever seen one.

  • x111e7thst

    Bratwurst libel

  • BearDeLaOursistance

    “Laws are like sausages, it’s better not to see Alex Jones near either of them.” — Otto von Bismarck

    • Shibusa

      You have to fear the wurst with Jones.

    • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

      That Bismarck was one sauerkraut.

      • BearDeLaOursistance

        You know who else was a sauerkraut?

        • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

          Colonel Klink?

  • Swampay

    “BREAKING NEWS, everyone, but wingnut conspiracy theorist Alex Jones, a pal of Donald Trump’s, is one weird fuckin’ goober.”

    I’m waiting for “Nobody knew Alex Jones was such an idiotic dick-pimple”

  • Lizzietish81
    • Mr. Blobfish

      Apropos of you, there is a German butcher by my momz that has wonderful homemade sausage.

  • Ω cynmac will never surrender

    Poor Evan. To get stuck with This Story. Ewww.

    • Up In Smoke O’hontas

      Maybe it’s part of a fad diet? Swimsuit season is just around the corner, and I know I won’t have my appetite back until June at the earliest.

  • Jennaratrix

    Look. He took off his shirt because he is a disgusting man-baby who would spill barbecue sauce all over it if he didn’t, and he doesn’t know how to do his own laundry, and can’t find a properly submissive woman stupid enough to do it for him. Or anything else, for that matter.

    • BearDeLaOursistance

      Men Eating Their Own Way.

      • AnnieGetYerFun

        We Used to Hunt the Brisket

    • chicken thief

      Are you suggesting that he’d clean the dripped sauce off his blubber gut before putting his shirt back on? I suspect that the mess is now just covered somewhat, at least what didn’t soak through.

      • NellCote71

        True Texas BBQ does not serv sauce on the side.

      • Jennaratrix

        No, of course not. He’d wipe it off with his hands and then lick his fingers. Then dig back into the pile of ribs.

  • Vel Venturi

    I love ya, Wonkette, but do not mess with Texas BBQ. Having it anywhere near Jones is BBQ libelz. Also, this sounds like a Herzog documentary waiting to happen. I can’t help but hear him narrating this.

  • Yr. Gma

    And we are the laughing stock of the rest of the world why?

    • Red Bird Ω

      Because we’re the descendants of the throw-aways from every other culture on earth but we act like we are the cream of the crop.

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      No idea.

  • Master Contrail Program

    Aqua Panna, huh? Well, there’s the out for sharp-eyed wingnuts to scream “Liberal elitist!” when this country moves even farther to far-right Cloudcoocooland than Alex Jones.

    • NellCote71

      We will all only be able to drink bottled water after Drumf gets finished with our water supply.

      • Up In Smoke O’hontas

        Canned air, also too.

  • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

    He piles up food onto a plastic plate, and then he suddenly takes off his shirt without explanation.

    This could cause a stampede to salads.

    • Beautiful Soup

      I would eat at a restaurant called “Salad Stampede.”

      • wide_stance_hubby

        I would not use their restroom, however.

    • anon_the_great

      The Beef Council is suing

  • Randy Riddle

    Why do I get the impression that all these displays of “manliness” are simply hiding the fact that Jones like to go around the house in a slinky negligee and high heels while sucking on dripping spareribs?

  • Crystalclear12

    Oh gawd, there are pictures!!!!

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    If it’s wrong to put ketchup on steak, why come it’s right to put it on brisket? Does drinking Shiner make it okay?

    • yyyaz

      Drinking Shiner makes a lot of things OK. Putting ketchup on brisket is not one of them.

  • MynameisBlarney
  • Susan Szews

    Wait a goshdarned minute. Alex Jones is 43? He’s my age? He has…he hasn’t aged well.

    • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

      Blackening one’s soul tends to do that.

    • mancityRed6

      Yeah, that wasn’t the worst of that interview but it was the most upsetting.

      • AnnieGetYerFun

        The most upsetting part for me was reading that he has children.

    • wide_stance_hubby

      Right? Boasting is not my thing, but I have over a dozen years on him and by comparison, look like his son.

    • Master Contrail Program

      He’s clearly robust and virile enough that the heart-attack gun that felled Scalia hasn’t gotten him yet. Duh.

    • Logic of Color

      I imagine him in a constant state of fear and frenzy. It’s amazing that he hasn’t died from stress-related injuries by now.

    • IdRatherBeDancing

      I know — he looks horrible. The toxic rot in his soul is seeping out.

  • wide_stance_hubby

    Grown man who has to baby powder his privates sez wut?

  • Persistent Demme

    Thanks, Evan!
    I’ll never eat BBQ again!
    (No really, thanks.)

  • SpideySenser

    Sorry, Evan, but the only parts of this story I like are the pics of PM Trudeau and VP Biden.

  • Dutchman

    Just, no.

  • Jenny

    Also too Porky Pig lives near Driftwood so he is probably eating Salt Lick bbq. I do not like Salt Lick bbq because they do this weird Mississippi barbeque and call it Texan.

    Mueller and Blacks do barbeque mo better.

  • Chadwells

    The fact that we all have to share air with this jerkoff is gross enough.

    • yyyaz

      He shits in our water supply too.

  • Crank Tango

    Sometimes a sausage is not a sausage.

    • Thorn Spike

      You do not want to mess with Germans and their sausage.

    • NellCote71

      “I like my sausage, but I take it out every once and awhile.” ~Groucho Marx.

  • wide_stance_hubby

    Please, journalists, never ever share a bathroom story about this flesh heap.

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      Well, if any journalist was going to, you know it would be a German one.

      • wide_stance_hubby

        Health, hygiene and hypochondria libel!

        • AnnieGetYerFun

          I used to work in a porn store, and we actually roped off the German section. You had to ask to be let in.

          • wide_stance_hubby

            And beg to be let out?

  • AnnieGetYerFun

    Aaaaaand now I am a vegetarian.

  • (Major_Major_Major)ly_Pissed

    Alex Jones and Der Spiegel: creating a down-there droughts and reverse priapism.

    • Crank Tango

      Alex Jones ist ein Wurstmonster?

    • anon_the_great

      Wait. Does that mean you have a boner inside you? I’m confused.

      • (Major_Major_Major)ly_Pissed

        It is in hibernation, probably for the foreseeable future

  • anon_the_great

    Just to make the imagery worse:

    The Cook, the Thief, The wife and her Lover

    • MynameisBlarney

      You are a right bastard.

      • anon_the_great

        Danka. It’s the most beautiful film I’ve ever seen while quietly vomiting every 15 minutes or so

        • Up In Smoke O’hontas

          That’s what makes it so special. Although, I have not been able to look a belly button in the eye ever since.

  • Dear god am I glad I haven’t eaten today…

  • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

    Used to have a radio like the one in the background. Listened to “Yours Truly, Johnny Dollar” on it, in ’61…

  • ariel_gee_398

    OT, and almost as nauseating: https://twitter.com/chrisgeidner/status/836653660864147456
    Does this to mean he thinks that Jews are calling in bomb threats themselves to make him look bad? To make nazis look bad?

    • OneYieldRegular

      Maybe he thinks the Simon Wiesenthal Center is somehow bad for trying to hunt down former Nazis and bring them to justice?

      • ariel_gee_398

        Well, we already know he hates the Anne Frank Center, so why not?

    • tomamitai

      It could be O’Queef’s operatives pretending to be anti-trump leftists. Or maybe it’s Trump, trying to scare all the Jewishes into leaving for Israel so there won’t be anybody left who’s good at accounting (according to his stereotypical beliefs) to trace the money trail from Putin to Trump’s campaign? The number of conspiracy theories you can come up with is limited only by your imagination and meth consumption.

  • aureolaborealis

    I call on the gods of Sleep Apnea, Arterial Sclerosis, and Viagra Overdose: Take this man, please.

  • Dutchman

    I love barbeque and have been known to spend many hours turning a brisket into something sumptuous and drinking beer. This does not inspire me.

  • Ms.MLG on Maui

    Isn’t it cannibalism when a hot bag of rotten, stinking meat eats BBQ?

    • Bub the Hoohah! loving Zombie

      Especially if it’s pig meat.

  • Cousin Itt de La Résistance

    It’s the Creature from the Loon Lagoon.

  • peteywheats

    “Texas BBQ sucks, SCIENCE FACT.”

    Such liberal elitist bullshit.

    • NellCote71

      Exactly. I was scrolling through to see if someone else beat me to it. I move back to Texas from Italy for three reasons: Texas BBQ, Tex-Mex food and H-E-B.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    Der Spiegel? I don’t believe anything that’s not in the Völkischer Beobachter.

  • AnnieGetYerFun

    Like the Oscars and whoever heads the DNC, BBQ is an issue about which I do not give any fucks. I assume they all suck to some degree.

  • Master Contrail Program

    I see the tit, I feel ill, and he ate. But titillate may be a bit much.

    #Fake News

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      I am not even going to bother pointing out how there’s nothing here to fap to.

      • tomamitai

        Oh, I’m sure there are those who would. The internet has rubbed my nose in the fact that there are no bounds to the diverse perversity of things that people get turned on by.

  • Shanzgood

    How does a sizeable man like that have such small nipples?

    • aureolaborealis

      This is an important question.

    • Bub the Hoohah! loving Zombie

      That is something about which I do not care to speculate.

      • Shanzgood

        I apologize!

    • Crank Tango

      Some of us don’t like to show off with overly-flashy nipples.

    • Master Contrail Program

      Let me put on 50 more pounds and I’ll tell you. I suppose it would be more like 75 if we want the proportions right, I would imagine I’m taller than him.

      Same shameful nickel nipples though.

    • aureolaborealis

      sizeable man

      The polite terminology is person of fat-fuckness.

      • Shanzgood

        Well, my X was um “husky” as they say and I don’t like to fat-shame, so…

        • aureolaborealis

          I wouldn’t know anything about that, having assiduously maintained myself at within 70lbs of my mid-20s fighting weight.

          • Shanzgood

            So you were anorexic?

          • aureolaborealis

            I was actually an undiagnosed celiac, eating ~10,000 calories a day to maintain my twinkish body.

          • Shanzgood

            Oh, no! I’m sorry for joking about it!

    • Skin firming lotion from the Ivanka Drumpf Collection*

      __
      * Available exclusively at Dillard’s

    • aureolaborealis

      Vaginal rejuvenation cream?

      • Shanzgood

        Oh god I don’t even want to know

    • Jamoche

      Don’t steroids shrink your junk?

      • aureolaborealis

        And give you gynecomastia.

    • Master Contrail Program

      They are as vestigial as his sense of shame.

    • Anna Rompage

      Nipples don’t continue to grow as you age or put on massive amounts of girth?

      • Shanzgood

        Well mine got bigger when my boobs did.

        Wait. Maybe they were even smaller before!

        That explains it!

  • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

    What’s with the fancy schmancy Acqua Panna Eye-talian spring water, Alex? Good ole American tap water isn’t good enough?

  • aureolaborealis

    Did anyone else think, “Really? Only 43?”?

    • Carpe Vagenda

      I was kind of focused on “Is this how he avoids doing laundry?” but yeah.

      • Shanzgood

        That’s how his mom always makes him eat dinner.

        • Sister the Resister

          There’s a big blue tarp on the floor too

          • Master Contrail Program

            Nah, just a drain.

          • Shanzgood

            I need that.

        • aureolaborealis

          “We call this module the Barbecue Room. Top of the line. It’s got wash-down walls, hoses, and a drain with industrial macerator to break down food scraps and coagulated ejaculate.”

    • mancityRed6

      yeah, that was discomfiting to find out how close I am to his age.

  • beavertank

    People abusing stimulants sure do some wacky stuff.

  • Jamoche

    Trump finally says something about the anti-semitic attacks:
    https://twitter.com/chrisgeidner/status/836653660864147456
    BREAKING: PA Attorney General: Trump told us “sometimes it’s the reverse,” when asked about anti-Semitic threats and attacks.

    Which may have started with one of his “advisers”:
    http://thehill.com/blogs/blog-briefing-room/news/321566-trump-adviser-links-dems-to-jewish-center-bomb-threats

    Anthony Scaramucci tweeted it is “not yet clear” who is responsible for the threats, noting that some Democrats reportedly incited violence during Trump rallies.

    “It’s not yet clear who the #JCC offenders are. Don’t forget @TheDemocrats effort to incite violence at Trump rallies,” he tweeted while linking to an article from right-leaning Breitbart News about a Project Veritas investigation of “trained provocateurs” at Republican events

    Another item checked off on the “let’s be 1930’s Germany!” list.

    • tomamitai

      Wasn’t O’Queef caught trying to pay agitators to start shit?

    • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

      So the intended line was supposed to be “We’re not saying it is, but it was probably Democrats trying to make us look bad”. What’s baffling is that they actually thought Donnie could pull off a successful insinuation without immediately blabbing his real purpose.

    • Carpe Vagenda

      What can I tell you. White-flight Long Island is a dangerously inbred place.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      “OMG. The cemetery desecrators are coming from INSIDE THE SYNAGOGUE!!!11!!!”

    • NastyBossetti

      The article I read about our local JCC did say the caller ID indicated the call was coming from the JCC itself. So they must be right! It was just the JCCs threatening themselves to make… someone (who, exactly? actual anti-Semites?)… look bad?

      • Jamoche

        Caller ID spoofing is easy; spammers use it all the time.

        • NastyBossetti

          You know that, and I know that, but I truly believe that if Donald read the thing I did (which may have been a press release from the local police dept, now that I am thinking about it), he would say, “See?! The call came from someone IN the JCC!”

  • Anna Rompage

    One can only hope that such lavish platters of greasy, half assed BBQ will lead to and early demise from a massive coronary…

    • Nah. Prefer for him to have a debilitating stroke, and no Obamacare.

    • Bub the Hoohah! loving Zombie

      And when it happens that the person doing CPR “accidentally” applies the AED to his balls…

    • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

      What exactly about this last year leads you to the conclusion that we will be remotely so lucky.

      • Anna Rompage

        He’s only 43 and just look at him?

        I would have guessed early 50s myself…

    • With votes…

    • TheFamilyThalamus

      That was my first thought. Bet his cholesterol is high and he had abundant plaques ready to rupture. Yippee!

  • ResistanceFictionista blondeiq

    That’s the “one weird weight-loss tip,” isn’t it? I may never take solid food again.

    • Shanzgood

      Going on the KaC diet?

      • wide_stance_hubby

        Meth & Fear Smoothies!

        • Shanzgood

          Man, I wouldn’t want to ever be in a bathroom stall next to HER!

  • Bub the Hoohah! loving Zombie

    There is nothing about Alex Jones that is not disgusting. Not one single thing.

  • Grokenstein

    What a needy little child.

  • Ωbjectifier

    Let’s rub some of this on your nips.
    What is it?
    Ghost pepper sauce. You’re gonna love it!

  • MynameisBlarney

    Speakin’ o’ fat, stupid fuckers…

    http://www.rawstory.com/2017/02/trump-just-told-the-pennsylvania-ag-that-anti-semitic-threats-may-be-false-flag-operations/

    Turmp just told Pennsylvania AG the anti-semitic attacks are false flags.

    • yyyaz

      Smells like Bannon. You know Anus Orange is incapable of understanding what a “false flag” operation is.

      • Sandy Beaches

        Or Alex Jones.

      • MynameisBlarney

        He probably thinks they’re those plastic flags made in China he gets at malwart.

      • Daru Titor

        Was that the defoliant used in Vietnam?

    • Crank Tango

      Well, libtards DO love a good false flag operation:
      http://hw.infowars.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/02/240217flags.jpg

      • Shanzgood

        Perfect!!!

    • NastyBossetti

      I’m not going to click on that link. Maybe he doesn’t understand what the phrase “false flag” means, and just thinks he’s indicating his relief that they were merely bomb threats and not actual bombs? “Good thing it was only a false flag!”
      People around here were pretty disturbed to see babies in cribs and school children being escorted up the street to the nearby Quaker school when someone called yesterday to threaten our local JCC’s grade school.

      • laineypc

        He didn’t use the words “false flag”. He used weird words that nobody quite understood, as he does. Is that Mercer Island JCC you’re referring to? We have friends that attend there.

        • NastyBossetti

          Kaiserman JCC (in Wynnewood)

    • laineypc

      If only there was a way to investigate who is behind the JCC bomb threats and cemetery vandalism (Which, incidentally I am now one-degree separated from. My friend’s daughter swims at a JCC that was evacuated yesterday.)

      • MynameisBlarney

        I got a feelin’ that if our DoJ don’t give a damn, there are others out there that will find the little sumbtiches.

        I sincerely doubt the Mossad will sit on its hands while another holocaust rears its horrific head.

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    Not satisfied with dumping coal trailings in streams, Trump signs EO saying ‘go ahead and pollute all the water in the country’.

  • Crank Tango

    Damn you Alex Jones, for making me get on the scale just now.

  • BadKitty904

    Maybe not so OT: 65 Percent of Texas Schools Which Have Tested for Lead Have Found Unsafe Levels

    http://cw33.com/2017/02/27/65-of-texas-schools-found-lead-in-drinking-water/

  • Bub the Hoohah! loving Zombie

    Alex Jones, Steve Bannon and Donnie bring to mind the last lines of “Animal Farm:

    “The creatures outside looked from pig to man, and from man to pig, and from pig to man again; but already it was impossible to say which was which.”
    ― George Orwell, Animal Farm

    • Ms.MLG on Maui

      “Barbecue. Me and you. Stinky pinky, pew, pew, pew.”

      -William Wharton, The Green Mile

      So meaningful.

  • RobKanC

    PFfft. Real men eat beef rare with blood on the side. Barbecue is for weenies.

    • yyyaz

      That’s what Alex said. Care for one?

  • Wellstone En Resistencia, Coño

    Oh shit…

  • C4TWOMAN

    I read some place Alex Jones used to be a bodybuilder. If true, obviously he really let himself go.

    • Master Contrail Program

      He’s accumulating mass, for decades. His cut phase will begin after he’s been proven right about anything.

    • TheFamilyThalamus

      That might explain the frothing while raging.

    • wide_stance_hubby

      He’s building it wrong, still.

    • I can see him as a bodybuilder only in the Dr. Frankensteinian sense.

    • Crank Tango
    • Shibusa

      Ana Kasparian called Alex Jones a “fat fuck” and Infowars went on a butthurt tear about her body shaming him!

    • Hardly Ideal
      • C4TWOMAN

        My only minor quibble, as a lifter, is plenty of powerlifters who are legit strong have the “bodybuilder” hourglass shape. It’s just in bodybuilders it exaggerated because of the leanness. That shape has more to do with your bone structure and hips:wide hips(men or women), you’ll be a tank. Narrow hips you’ll be a wasp. Not amount of training will change that. It’s bone.

        But otherwise spot on, especially the quick, lean gains being suspicious. It takes about 5 years of dedicated training and nutrition to get a competition ready body, without steroids. Same is true for powerlifting, it’s just a healthier process.
        [Strongmen are kinda specialist/boutique powerlighters… :D ]

  • A bucket for monsieur?
    https://youtu.be/Zx0ME65y72E

    • wide_stance_hubby

      Seeing that in the theater for the first time was a near-death (from laughing) experience.

    • Foocatchoo

      A favorite which I always make my family watch after Thanksgiving Dinner!

  • janecita

    I was gonna skip the Gym tonight, but after looking at that picture I changed my mind. Core Endurance class, here I come!

    • yyyaz

      I’m putting on the gloves and boots to go shovel the 14″ of snow we got last night. BBL.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    “Deplorable” is only the beginning with the likes of Alex Jones.

  • Granny Sprinkles

    Can we turn “Alex Jones’s nipple!” into an exclamation of shock/disbelief? Kind of like “heavens to Betsy!” but more disgusting? Pretty please?

    I share so many of my bad ideas with y’all but they never stick and it’s starting to hurt my delicate feelings.

    • Shanzgood

      I like it!

    • Master Contrail Program

      It’s the new, “Great Caesar’s Ghost!” Though I’m not sure Perry White would appreciate the association with fake news.

    • Up In Smoke O’hontas

      I’ll run with it…

      “Alex Jones’ nipples!!! I think I left the oven on!!!

    • anthrodiva

      The new Davy Jones locker

  • Jamoche

    FBI not with the program, treats Olanthe shooting as hate crime
    https://twitter.com/ABC/status/836664039560392705

    • Shanzgood

      Good.

    • Nockular cavity

      Thank you, Captain Obvious.

    • MeerkatsRMammals

      Hooray for labeling a (clear cut IMO) hate crime as such!

  • Undocumented Skwerl!

    At least Boss Hogg wore a bib.

    http://webspace.webring.com/people/gu/um_11487/bosshogg/boss8.jpg

    (But not pants)

    • AmusedAmused

      Bibs can be used to strangle. You never know when the Deep State and the Elders of Zion will strike!!

      • BearDeLaOursistance

        Are the ribs beef or pork? He needs to know who to watch out for.

    • Platos_Redhaired_Stepchild

      Boss Hogg graduated Columbia & Yale

    • IdRatherBeDancing

      And was svelte and even tempered in comparison.

  • canes_pugnaces

    Is it my imagination or is the alt-rightish-GOP loonybin becoming increasingly revolting. It defies logic.

  • Mavenmaven

    He’s like a combination of Putin and Trump but with no power and no intelligence

  • Nockular cavity

    Texas BBQ sucks, SCIENCE FACT.

    This means WAR, Wonket! WAR!

  • AmusedAmused

    What surprises me the most is that Jones just goes and eats the food in the conference room. For a man who sees conspiracies, false flags and clandestine assassinations everywhere, this is truly bizarre. Hasn’t he seen “Traffic”? Remarkable, isn’t it, that he doesn’t employ a tester, doesn’t try to trick the journalist into eating first, doesn’t maintain even a rudimentary lab on site. It’s almost as if he doesn’t believe in his own BS, just cynically peddles it to ignorant yokels for personal gain.

  • whitroth

    Ok, you an’ I is got a DEFCON 5 religious war on, Evan. Texas BBQ is the best there is. But *you* pro’ly like that vinegar-soaked *stuff* from Carolina…. Or maybe you can’t tell the difference between barbecue, and cooking something on a charcoal grill at a picnic.

    • MynameisBlarney

      HAY!
      NC style BBQ am good too!

      • Carpe Vagenda

        Carolina pulled pork in vinegar sauce is the bomb. It’s one of the few things I miss about eating pork.

        • MynameisBlarney

          That NC bbq sauce makes bomb-ass dressing for slaw too.

          • Carpe Vagenda

            It so does. We have a nearby pan-asian restaurant which does a sliced cucumber salad very much like it.

          • MynameisBlarney

            Ooooh that sounds tasty as fuck!

      • whitroth

        No, thanks. I’ve had it in a small chain on I-95, and I’ve had it in N. Wilkesboro, in a small restaurant, and you can keep it.

        • MynameisBlarney

          *shrugs*

          Fine by me.

    • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

      thank you friend!

    • NastyBossetti

      DEFCON 5 is a lowkey, normal, peacetime level, so I take it you agree with Evan?

    • IdRatherBeDancing

      Since I was birthed in Texas and grew up in Oklahoma (which is basically North Texas), I take offense to the gratuitous shot at Tejas BBQ. And yes that Tarheel shit is not worth using as lubricant for a bike chain.

      • ahughes798

        I like any barbecue sauce that is sweet and spicy. I always have 5 or 6 kinds on hand, though, because if Mr. 798 put barbecue sauce on cardboard and said “here, dear” I would eat it, probably.

    • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

      I’m from Colorado. Lived in Texas for awhile. Currently, living in NC. Both Texas and NC barbecue are good, but nothing is better than chile verde.

    • hillarysleftone

      i believe Evan is from Memphis, and I seriously doubt he’s championing Carolina BBQ (of any region, east, west, or south)

    • BearDeLaOursistance

      Give peace a chance. Do it the Bear way and nom on AOT,K.

  • Moebym the Persistent Returner

    I’m not that easily nauseated. In fact, I’m now craving BBQ.

    • BearDeLaOursistance

      “What is with me and Italian lately?!” — Sterling Archer

  • Shoto

    K, so…That Alex Jones episode was wrong on so many levels that I think Imma have to take a nap for about a month.

  • MynameisBlarney

    Wait…what?
    Now Newtie wants an independent investigation too?
    *blinks slowly*

    What in the actual fuck is goin’ on here?

    http://www.democraticunderground.com/10141715996

    • Jilted lover.

    • Zen Diesel

      Hurt feelings because Trumpolini, didn’t line him up with a grifter job.

      • MynameisBlarney

        Ah…well…now THAT makes perfect sense.

      • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

        My thought too, that Pence has contacted him about a job in his administration.

      • jenny_whyme

        Exactly… Newt was looking for a cushy government job and it appears he isn’t going to get one.

        When you con a con man, don’t expect him to just go away.

    • Kiri the Paid Protestor

      …Because corruption should be kept in-house, and not involve foreigners. America first!

  • IdRatherBeDancing

    I will never have sex with another man ever again after seeing this photo — nah, just kidding but would rather not see Alex Jones shirtless (or anything -less (well, showless perhaps) EVER.AGAIN.

    • Neither will I

    • New Year 1080p

      I wouldn’t mind seeing him homeless, in a schadenfreude cum karma sort of way.

  • aureolaborealis

    Mandatory eyebleach:

    https://youtu.be/cguS7I962Gs

    • Kiri the Paid Protestor

      Wet, muscular Kiwis…!

    • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

      Thank you!

    • BearDeLaOursistance

      Yay! Workout inspiration! Assuming I can keep the blood flowing instead of, well, pooling somewhere.

      • ahughes798

        The best thing is, it’s very short and to the point!

    • ahughes798

      Those guys lift, brah. Rugby guys have the best bods. Them and hockey players. Them and hockey players and F1 drivers. Used to go to Cricket Hill in Chicago on Sundays and watch guys play rugby. Yowza!

    • Hardly Ideal

      Okay, which of you showed this to my toddler son? The other day, he added funny thigh slaps to his dance moves.

      • aureolaborealis

        Has he seen Moana? I haven’t, but my daughters give me the impression that there may be some hakas, or haka-like behavior, involved.

    • Serai 1
  • marxalot

    Soory, Texas BBQ is the Best, and also one fo maybe five good things about the place, you can take your vinegar-soaking, pig-worshipping ways and step right back over that fence into your own backyard.

    • Serai 1

      I’ve never had the NC stuff, but Hogly Wogly’s makes a mean Texas BBQ. Haven’t been in years, but I still remember it fondly.

      • marxalot

        Texas smoked brisket is The Best, and we know this bc a Jewish deli in Brooklyn which offers traditional and Texas Smoked brisket consistently sells out of the latter well before closing time, or so my sources inform me.

  • JMP

    The creep has sent a lot of pictures of himself shirtless out there, why I have no idea considering how he’s so fat, hairy and all around gross.

    • BearDeLaOursistance

      But they weren’t on Huma’s laptop. IOKIYAR.

      • Foocatchoo

        Strangely, Carlos Danger had them on his phone though

    • Bitter Scribe

      Does this mean Evan is retiring that photo of the gun-humping hairball in skivvies in favor of this guy? Not much of an improvement.

      • handyhippie65

        i hate that picture. puts me off my feed every time i see it.

    • OrdinaryJoe

      “…fat, hairy and all around gross…” Pretty much describes the alt-right. The men too.

  • BrianW

    Oh Evan,
    Memphis BBQ can be pretty good, and I enjoyed what I had at Central BBQ right across the street from the Lorraine Motel . But it doesn’t compare to Texas BBQ. Ours is way better.

    • Up In Smoke O’hontas

      Central BBQ is pretty awesome. I can’t say I’ve had Texas style, though I have seen tasty looking stuff on the Food Network. Nonetheless, I think that the important point to make here is that South Carolina BBQ is bad and should feel bad.

      • Bitter Scribe

        What’s wrong with it? The mustard-based sauce? (Or vinegar? Can’t keep ’em straight.)

      • BrianW

        Never had South Carolina BBQ. We’re going through there on the way to VA in a few weeks, so maybe I can change that.

      • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

        I mentioned that up above- that’s the stuff with the vinegar, right? Did not like.

    • alpacapunchbowl

      I had some pretty tasty brisket in Texas, but the sauce is too sweet and thick for my taste.

      • BrianW

        I prefer a more peppery sauce myself. A local place makes its own sauce which has ginger in it (I think), and while it’s a unique taste it is also very good.

        • alpacapunchbowl

          That sounds like something I could get into.

          • BrianW

            Oh it’s good, and not overly thick.

  • Barbeque fight!

  • Foocatchoo

    Food and nude? No thanks way Crazy Fat Dude!

  • MeerkatsRMammals

    TIL: don’t insult Texas BBQ…good gravy!

  • Nyumbu
    • sgt. jmk of the résistance

      THANK YOU!!

      (*glug glug glug*)

  • Paperless Tiger

    He’s got Trump’s ear, if he doesn’t eat it.

  • Belasaurius

    if it ain’t Texas BBQ, then it’s shite!!!!!!!!!

  • Kooolest G

    an old roommate of mine told me once that all of the men in his family would take off their shirts when they ate spaghetti, the reason being it’s much easier to wipe the sauce off your chest and then put your clean shirt back on. although that does make sense to me, not sure if I’m gonna go that route

    • azeyote

      wonder if that was to get the girls to take their shirts off too – italians use a napkin bib –

    • HazooToo

      Why don’t they just not eat like pigs?

  • anthrodiva

    Wow I thought it was just me that thought Texas BBQ wasn’t all that…

    • OrdinaryJoe

      There is nothing in Tejas that is all that.

  • anthrodiva

    Luckily I read German. Der Spiegel here I come!

  • thewalkindude
  • SterWonk

    Texas BBQ sucks, SCIENCE FACT.

    PISTOLS AT DAWN, SIR!!!

    (I grew up in Houston, so don’t talk smack about TX BBQ! I don’t eat beef, but I loooooove good BBQ chicken and pork, and sausage also too.)

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      Found the Salt Lick at Austin Airport- you can even say goodbye before you go.

      • SterWonk

        I was in AUS not this past weekend, but the weekend before! Alas, it was at the crack of dawn, so no BBQ for me.

        • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

          If you are ever in the Silicon Valley, Armadillo Willy’s is a chain style not as good substitute. It’s not the salt lick though.

          • SterWonk

            I work not far from an Armadillo Willy’s, and we went their once for dinner when we had visitors from out of town. Indeed, it was pretty good! Unfortunately, I haven’t had occasion to get back there.

    • Hardly Ideal

      Careful. I understand it’s the challenged party that decides on the weapons of choice. That’s supposedly why Lincoln scared off a challenger by choosing broadswords for a duel.

    • Jonny On Maui

      Texas BBQ sucks, SCIENCE FACT.

      Fact? No. Theory? Yes. Good theory? No.

      Hypothesis: No BBQ sucks. It’s all varying degrees of good.

      Now off to your smokers and do your friggin research!

  • Vagenda and Pee-ara

    “Then Jones gets up and holds out a sausage. “Wanna suck?” he asks.”

    I didn’t think it was possible for me to respect Alex Jones any less than I already did. Also, too, I’d really love to know if he asked “wanna suck” to a male reporter or a female reporter.

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      Slob is the new black.

      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        He really repulses me on a visceral level. Steve Bannon has the same effect on me.

    • Vorhees
    • Panika MCD

      this is the same guy who held a “Black Lives Matter” protest at PPGT with all white people.

      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        He’s a raging asshole, and I’m going to find his grave and dance on it when he has a rage stroke and drops dead.

        • Panika MCD

          I will draw you a map.

    • sgt. jmk of the résistance

      I checked – the reporter was a man, but I’m sure to Jones, it made no difference. In fact, I’d bet that he’d have done that to a female reporter twice as fast.

      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        He’s really revolting.

  • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

    Somebody, or several somebody’s will hate me but I didn’t like that North Carolina vinegary stuff.

    • New Year 1080p

      Ah, there are two varieties in NC! You must have had Eastern style.

      • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

        My parents lived in New Bern, that’s as Far East as you can get without being on the Outer Banks, so yeah.
        That barbecue was NASTY

  • Serai 1

    See, that’s when you say, “Just a sec,” whip out your phone and start tweeting. SAVAGELY.

    • Vagenda and Pee-ara

      Or better yet, “hey, hold on a second while I get my cell phone out, so I can get some video of this encounter. Do you mind repeating that part where you held the sausage up and asked me if I wanted to suck it?”

  • OrdinaryJoe

    No wonder the “master race” is failing.

  • Hardly Ideal

    With his bare torso, he sits there and
    shovels meat into his mouth, a caricature of manliness, but also a show
    of power
    to the reporter sitting in front of him. He can do as he
    pleases.

    Pardon my nerdiness, but is he taking tips from insane demigods? Good to know!

    The feast. You’re not just setting all these places out for no reason? Are you… just going to throw this all away? …Why?
    Wrong question, dear. “Why” is a question of the weak. The proper question is “why not?”

    • Panika MCD

      he wrote Tips from Insane Demigods.

  • PixieThis

    Thanks for the diet tips, Wonkette. I’m off to purge my gut and bleach my eyes ;)

    • Serai 1

      Times like this I thank the gods for Adblock.

      • FrankLooper

        And blindness

  • azeyote

    he does that so every one else loses their appetite

  • A_Changeling

    Alex Jones [43]

    What!? He’s three years older than me? Why does everybody around Trump look so old/decrepit? Stephen Miller, Kellyanne, Bannon…

    • I think it is along the lines of you get the face you deserve. It certainly rings true with these haggard fu^*%$#&.

    • HarpyLibtart

      It’s because souls produce anti-oxidants which fight free radicals and slow the ageing process. #alternativefacts
      That’s the mark of the Faustian bargain, you can ascend to the throne of power provided you don’t mind looking like dry-aged freeway roadkill when you get there.

  • OTB

    Meth is not pretty.

  • Vorhees

    {{{WTF thought I was posting on the open thread…moving post…}}}

  • Panika MCD

    a) TX barbecue is not supposed to have sauce. and our brisket kicks everyone else’s ass–other types of bbq are up for best in other areas except Cincinnati.

    b) it was probably Rudy’s given its proximity to him and it once championed itself as THE WORST BBQ IN TX! it is also a gas station.

    c) I am completely unsurprised that he did this.

    • JustDon’tSayDieInJail

      I kinda liked Rudy’s, including the sause (sic). County Line has better ribs, fer sure.

      • Panika MCD

        but we all know that going to Elgin or anywhere in Caldwell Co. is advised if you’re not going to go family style at the Salt Lick or wait in line for hours at Franklin’s.

        • JustDon’tSayDieInJail

          Dammit, now I’m hungry.

          • Panika MCD

            me too, but I promised myself I’d wait until I got home. I really want a Spider House Frito Pie!

    • RugzYaBurnt

      Ugh, Cincinnati barbecue is A Thing?!? How can people who don’t even allow themselves porn smoke a decent sausage?!?!

  • RugzYaBurnt

    Ha ha ha ha ha!!! I knew as soon as I read “Texas BBQ sucks” that Evan wrote this. Barbecue partisanship runs deep!

  • Carpe Vagenda
  • reelreeler

    Was he demonstrating how (if Putin was a fat ass) Putin would look while eating BBQ?

  • Outzie

    Speaking as a part-year San Antonio resident, I’d just like to say that the barbeque at
    “The Big Bib” on Austin Hwy is very, very good. Also, the peach cobbler. The ‘que at Bill Miller’s, OTOH, is not worth the calories.

  • UnicornV

    This shit stain is 43 years old people. Yep. I hope he keeps shoveling in all the meat his horrible mouth can take and he never takes the stairs. Trump too :)

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