Hello darlings! Our president is a bad, crazy man, and he is doing bad, crazy things, and you have chosen Wonkette as your daily (or couple-times-monthly) Sanity Pill. We know we make a big difference (for the better) in your lives, because of how many of you have not killed yourselves yet! (Please continue to not do so.)
Wonkette is important for many reasons: the non-suicides, the community, how many of you met and are boning because of the comments, the way Alex Jones thinks we are “fake news,” how we keep you abreast of events with actual informed analysis about important public policy but we’re not above dishing on Kellyanne Conway biting her nails to the quick, and how we have solemnly promised that we will Never Stop Mocking Those Fuckers.
Haha, I said abreast.
More and more of you are supporting your Wonkette, through visits (1.7 million visits in January, from 989,455 people, reading over more four million pages), direct donations or our “ad-fewer” subscription (WHICH PEOPLE LOVE!).
But the whole “visits” thing isn’t helping us anymore, because those same four million pageviews resulted in slightly more than a third of what we earned in January 2016. “Hmmm, is that good?” you are wondering, and I am here to assure you that IN FACT IT IS NOT!
Our ads are ugly, they waste your browser space, they piss you off, they’ve actively tried to censor our content, and most importantly THEY ARE NOT PAYING ME ANY MONEY.
Go fuck yourself, ads! Wonkette is going AD-FREE.
In order for Wonkette to function though, we still need cash. Namely, we need roughly $30,000 a month. (WHAT? I KNOW!) We pay Dok and Evan a solid living wage, we’re beefing up our writing corps to try to keep up with all the bullshit these fuckers are throwing at us, we have big server expenses every month, and we (meaning Shy and I) work a combined 90 or so hours a week, so I would like us to make $6,000 to $7,000 a month (combined) for that, which oh my God if one more asshole on the Internet says is “greedy,” I will reach through this computer monitor and STRANGLE HIM UNTIL HE IS AN OOZY PUDDLE OF CORPUSCLES. Also, we’re still paying off Ken’s $47 and a sandwich from when we bought this joint.
Also too, I wouldn’t say no to making even more than that, like I am Fergie, Duchess of York.
You all are already sending us about half of what we need to continue Telling Fuck You to Power in donations or subscriptions. We humbly ask that if you are already paying $4.99 or more for “ad-fewer,” you continue to do so. (Shy thinks you will stop paying for your ad-fewer if there are no ads to block. But I say we’re all in this together, and you’ll keep giving your bits to give everyone the “ad-fewer” you’ve been enjoying. BECAUSE YOU ARE LIBERAL LIKE THAT.) If you’re already giving us money every month and would like to jack it up, we will allow it! (Unless you are poor, please do not give us any more money if you are poor.) But what we’re really asking is for the 985,000 or so of you per month who come through and haven’t thought to throw us a bone to do so. (See, that was only almost a dick joke, that’s how serious this is!)
Oh, one other thing: We might still keep the Arcadia Power ad, because the planet is going to need all the help it can get. And there’s that one Amazon portal, because if you’re going to buy through Amazon anyway, you might as well make them give some subversives a cut. Also, our hat ads are never going away, because I will not rest until I see HELL. NO. hats on every second head throughout the land. And this chair. And this lamp. And this ashtray. Just this chair and this lamp and this ashtray. Just kidding, no chairs or lamps or ashtrays, and definitely not that popup ad at the bottom.
We’ve been edging closer and closer to this for months, but it’s a YOOOGE leap of faith. (Shy in particular thinks it’s a very dangerous idea, and we will STARVE, FREEZING, in the streets. Please tell Shy he is silly to EVER DOUBT YOU.) You have been super generous to us already, and we’re not trying to dun you for more. But we figure you like us — you really like us! — and this whole “advertising” situation is untenable for us all.
We’re going to try this for a month. I think we’ll make it! And if we have to put those bullshit ads back in, mama’s gonna be PISSED. Or maybe just cry some.
Here, have a baby, because I love you.
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